I cheated on my wonderful boyfriend with a guy I met on Grindr and now I deeply regret it. I don’t even like the guy I cheated him on with.
The sex was great, but I now feel guilty.
I’m not sure why I cheated on him, but I feel that our relationship has gone a bit stale. We’ve been together for just over 5 years and everything has become very samey. Although we get on really, really well and don’t really argue.
I started looking on Grindr a few months ago, mainly out of boredom and I started chatting to him – we met up for a coffee and then again for a drink one evening at our local. Then one thing led to another.
We’ve only done it once, and the weird thing, despite the guy being really good looking, I don’t really like him. We don’t agree on things politically or socially.
I’m not sure what to do next.
Dr Dannii Cohen answers:
You might not like to hear what I am about to tell you, but it is the truth:
You are the only one who can fix this situation, and it is not going to be easy.
Step 1. Break up with your Grindr date.
It is clear that you have no interest in him, and are only hanging on to him because you are afraid of dumping him. Why is this? Is he your back up because you are afraid to be alone if your boyfriend breaks up with you? It is clear from what you wrote that you don’t like him – you say so yourself. Let him go, but kindly, as this situation is not fair on him.
Just remember, be kind: he did not ask to be part of your problem.
Step 2: Win back your boyfriend.
You said things have been a little stale: have you ever asked your boyfriend if he feels the same? Chances are he feels comfortable. But it could also be that he feels the same.
Either way, you could try and bring a new dimension to your relationship: plan a few date nights, look for new ways to spice up your sex life (make sure that the both of you enjoy what you get up to as no-one should sacrifice themselves for the others enjoyment), maybe try role-play or something. Do new fun stuff together, cooking classes, theatre or anything you’d both like to try out.
Step 3 Your conscience.
This step should, to all intents and purposes come before step 2, because it’s the biggest step of all: will you tell your boyfriend about what happened? This is entirely on you, but the decision you make has to be made now, and once you make it you have to stick to it and deal with any consequences.
If you don’t tell him and are certain he has no idea about what happened chances are that, if you put in the effort you can save the relationship. But bear in mind that you can’t go back on this if you feel guilt overwhelm you months/years later.
Confessing it asap in a kind, gentle way at the right time, making sure they know how terrible you feel about it could see you forgiven in the long run. Don’t count on things to be rosy immediately, though and don’t rush your partner in his feelings. Let him be the one to say if they’re ready to start again or if he needs a break.
I hope things turn out well for you and your partner.
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Dannii Cohen is a stand-up comedian (drag name Divine Varod) and comedy writer turned author, psychologist, professional counselor, life coach and self-help expert. Specialized in LGBT issues, anxiety, empowerment, children’s issues and bullying.
Published works include children’s books about childhood depression and the importance of being yourself (When Clouds Hide The Sun and Christopher the Lonely Bear) and an easy to use self help manual 50 Things To Know To Have A Better Life: Self-Improvement Made Easy.