The summer months are upon us and some of us are daring to bare.
Good on you. All hail the short wearer. However here’s a few golden rules when wearing short shorts:
1) Never with socks. Unless they are tiny, tiny, tiny trainer liners. If you are caught wearing socks with shorts I will have to eviscerate you and a message sent to your loved ones that you are no longer able to wear shorts.
2) Get some sun on those pasty whites. No one likes the look of translucent legs, so get some tan on those pins. Fake or real. Whatever. Just don’t make traffic swerve off the road with your milk bottle legs.
3) Every time you wear shorts with sandals a Gay fairy somewhere dies. So don’t do it.
4. Confident short wearing is a must in 2012. Splashes of colour everywhere and we like. A bit like a kid or adult Gay man in the M&M store. This year Hawaiian, bold prints, brash block colours and vintage cuts are all the rage. Go crazy.
5) Get rid of the caves. And by this we mean those oversized pockets on cargo shorts. Why on earth do you need such big pockets? Still carrying a CD Player? It bulks your silhouette and they aren’t particularly comfortable to sit on. So lose the pockets and get some more form fitting shorts. If you’re still carting around a disc-man consider taking a bag instead or dump it – you’re living in 2012 for the love of Beiber’s hair.
6) And the death knell ringth for the denim. Forget the blue stuff and reach for linen, chino shorts and cotton. Let your man bits breathe!
7) Watch your hemline boys… Get shorts with a hemline that rests above the knee. It’ll make you look more svelte and taller.
8) Straight cut and fitting. Show off your form. It’s all about the Olly Murs (packing it) You’ll never get a booty call (is anyone still calling it that) if you don’t show of the goods. Marketing 101
9) Short shorts. Now, we love a man in short shorts, but there is a time and place. Short shorts, should remain the visual property of the seaside or the pool. You maybe mistaken for those wonderful 118 chaps if you start wearing them around the town centre. And for god’s sake make sure they have a netting inside. Nobody wants to see your man marbles on a Sunday afternoon, whilst sitting and drinking a frap-a-cap-a-latt-a
10) Sports wear is for the playground, tennis court, football pitch – not for the high street and while it may be comfortable for lounging around in – remember – ‘You’re a Gay man now….”
The editor and chief of THEGAYUK. All in a previous life wrote and produced songs on multi-platinum records.