No Blacks. No Asians. No Queens.

I bet you already know where these quotes come from. I am also pretty sure you’ve seen them. Yes, these are common quotes from Grindr profiles. What’s worse is that I imagine you can think of more Grindr, Gaydar, GayRomeo profiles with further offensive and racist remarks on them.

But surely we can discriminate on who we fancy? Of course.

We must have the right to decide what shape, size and colour the dick is we choose to squeeze, suck or sit on? Without a doubt.

And if I want to say what I don’t like then it saves time doesn’t it? Perhaps.

So if I don’t fancy a black or white guy then I have the right to say so, don’t I? Maybe.

But there are ways of saying things.

So… Here are 5 things not to do on gay dating apps.

1) Do not use racist language. We all know what they are. No one thinks you’re big or smart or edgy for using them. And being practical, not many guys invite racists round to their houses.

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2) Put what you like, what you ARE into. It’s more positive and inclusive and appealing to a wider range of people. Saying you like something, or love something is much more attractive than associating you with ‘No this’, ‘No that’ or other negative concepts.

3) Be polite. If someone messages you that doesn’t give you butterflies in your stomach (or lower) then just say thanks but no thanks. Most people will get the hint, and if they don’t just block them. It’s easier than resorting to a racist rant.

4) Be inclusive. Try not to see people as one dimensional. Not all ethnicities are the same. Look at your arm – it everyone with that similar shade the same as you? Do they eat the same food, socialise in the same way, believe the same as you do just because your skin matches? Of course not, so don’t apply this ignorance to other arm shades.

5) Challenge yourself. How many of your friends are the same as you? Do they all look the same, come from similar backgrounds? Most are probably the same age. How about bringing some diversity to your life? Speak to someone new, someone with maybe a different experience, a different outlook, a different skin colour – they might be able to shed new light on life. How does your coming out experience compare to the Asian guy 200 meters away or the polish guy four roads away or the twink smiling at you at the bottom of your screen?

 

 

A version of this article first appeared on THEGAYUK.com in July 2013