If you don’t know who Ja’mie is you’re just not Quiche. And if Quiche only means a hot goat’s cheese and spinach tarte from Waitrose, we shouldn’t be talking right now. We’ve come up with a little guide to help you be more Ja’mazing.

On Trendsetting
“Everyone’s going on about twerking, but I actually invented it about two years ago. Seriously, ask anyone at my school. I did it in an assembly presentation during NAIDOC Week and it spread from there.”

On Self Exposure
“Every now and then I post a tit photo on my Facebook and leave it up for 24 hours to create a buzz.”

On Being A Powerful Woman
“I’ve made a lot of changes around the school: the coffee machine for prefects only, no phones during school hours (except prefects) and no Asians allowed on the oval at lunch.”

On Personal Wealth
“JUST because I’m rich, doesn’t mean I’m a bitch.”

On Being Gracious
“When I meet girls, they’re usually really threatened straight away, right?. So then I meet and they’re like “oh my god, she’s so hot, I’m never going to be friends with her” and then I go up to them and I’m like “Hi! How you going?!” and they’re really surprised that I’m giving them the time of day.”

On Charity
“Going with the AIDS thing means that people are more likely to give money because they’re going to feel really bad. If I just said it was for the formal they wouldn’t care. Do you know what I mean?”

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On Human Rights
“A school that bans formals is a school that bans life. Summer Heights High, you should be ashamed of yourself. Firstly, formals can give hope. They give povo people something to live for. Lack of formals in a school can seriously affect the development of a girl. Without formals, you can seriously stunt girls socially and physically.”

On Sexuality
“I’d rather be a paedophile than a lesbian, seriously…”

Advice For Friends
“Reduce your tits, Stop being dumb, Fix your acne and don’t be Asian”

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On State Education
“Thank you. And thank you to the traditional landowners of Summer Heights, the Wurundjeri people. My name is Ja’mie. J-A-apostrophe-M-I-E. Weird name, I know. But you’ll get used to it. Yes, I come from one of the most expensive private girls schools in the state, but I’m actually really cool. Please don’t be intimidated by me. People always go “Private schools create better citizens,” but I would say they create better quality citizens. Studies have shown that students from private schools are more likely to get into Uni and end up making a lot more money; while wife-beaters and rapists are nearly all public-school educated. Sorry, no offence, but it’s true.”