Jackie Woodburne and Alan Fletcher are two of daytime TV’s greatest legends and we say that with earnest research on the matter. Having played a married couple for over 20 years, you’d think they’d be over talking about their on-screen relationship! Not so. Prepare for the campest interview any Neighbour’s actor has or could ever do.
TGUK: You’ve been on-screen married for over 20 years What’s the secret to an onscreen marriage?
a) Cast Iron contract with a TV Network?
b) Sharing moments off-screen and on-screen like a real couple?
c) I’ll be in my trailer… Don’t talk to me…
Jackie: Oh, I think it’s a combination of all three and of course, no sex.
Alan: The important thing is definitely no sex so you don’t disappoint each other.
No sex? In 30 years? Who knew Cliff Richard wasn’t the only one missing out after all. 2/10 – purely for the honesty.
Do people in real life think you’re actually hitched?
Jackie: No, possibly because we get along so well that people think ‘they can’t possibly be married’.
Alan: Yes agreed, we are way too tolerant of each other’s idiosyncrasies.
You’re ruining the illusion. Karl and Susan, Karl and Susan – is now and forever thus. Don’t ruin this for me *drinks gin and cries softy into my 1995 Neighbours annual*. 7/10.
Have you ever had a moment (wink wink nudge nudge) together?
Alan: I have been in love with Jackie Woodburne from the day I met her and considering our first role was a brother and sister, that is a testament to the depth on my feelings for her.
That was sweet… Pass me a bucket or binoculars… Can’t make up my mind. *Still drinking gin*. 9/10
What do you think the intimate, between the sheets activities, would be like between Karl and Susan?
Jackie: A monster truck rally!
Alan: I can’t top that.
So there would be a lot of ticketed spectators in the room and some dock off big cars. Whatever floats the boats.
15/10 – Those script-notes must read like a Jackie Collins’.
Complete this… Kylie should…
Jackie: Return to Ramsay Street
Alan: Cover a song for Karl’s band Right Prescription
I should be so lucky… and everyone else of course. Start the Crowdfunder now… Alan – nicely plugged, the invoice is in the post.
Finish this gay mantra: ‘I made it through the wilderness, somehow I made it through…’Alan: ‘Didn’t know how lost I was’
Jackie: ‘until I found you on Ramsay Street’
We had to cut this section down. Like drunken karaoke, throw them a mic and you’ll never get it back.
The best way to deal with a cheating man is…
a) Take to his wardrobe and show his silks the scissors?
b) Lock yourself in your room, play Celine’s All By Myself on repeat, whilst drowning yourself in red wine, watching day re-runs of Neighbours?
c) Wash that man right out of your hair?
Jackie: A combination of all three, if there is no option, to kill him.
Alan: Since murder is a life sentence, perhaps safer to go with number 3.
Whatever you do – Don’t mess with Jackie. It may turn a bit First Wives Club. As for Alan, I’m sure we’re all asking the same question… What men have you had in your hair?
10/10 for both drama and leaving us suspicious.
Is there an actor in the house? I can see the court case now. Probably Judge Judy. Jackie, never tell him you’re feeling ill on set!
8/10 – for the can-do attitude
The best way to upgrade your seat on an aeroplane is?
Jackie: Fake a fit.
Alan: Throw your dinner up, they will quickly move you.
That’s right folks. You think a Ryanair full of noisy kids is bad, wait till you’ve travelled Outback Air!
2/10 – Obviously never read the book of British etiquette.
Ah, Harold. We do love a good death and reincarnation in a soap. A bit like Vera Duckworth in Corrie. Sadly the afterlife never allows them to stay very long.
9/10 – nearly top points but you did miss Nell Mangel – a personal hero.
Graham, grab your bags we’re heading to Ramsay Street.
7/10 for the hopes of the first gay marriage.10/10 if you’ll do it for free
Follow Alan on Twitter You can catch up with all the Neighbours of Ramsay Street, weekdays on Channel 5.