This week Auntie Frances tackles two more of your problems – with great aplomb

Dear Aunty Frances,

I’m planning a wedding, but fear that it may end up in a terrible mess. My family is known for having a few too many drinks and then getting rowdy and very touchy feely, whereas my partner’s family is a little more reserved. They are highly religious folks.

What should I do?

Corben, Trent


Dear Corben,

Sounds awfully exciting. I’d invite the eternally judgemental & pious Jeremy Kyle and accompanying TV crew and sell the rights to the ITV morning team for the ensuing drama that is bound to unfurl at your nuptials.

Darling if you need an MC I’m available and contrary to popular belief I’m not particularly expensive. I can even do you a deal if there’s a good bottle of Pinot G with my name on it.

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Can I suggest that you ensure that you put the guests most likely to heckle towards the front. There is nothing better than watching the best man die slowly inside as he loses the crowd. Those self-important bastards. Can I also suggest you put guest who are most likely to wear Nylon towards the fire exits. I once had an ‘incident’ with a Nylon wearer, when I was flicking fag ash mid convo.

The good news is she’s still alive and much of her body was saved from 3rd-degree burns thanks to the quick thinking stewards who threw a bucket of sand over her.

As for religious folks, try not to have butt sex in front of them. It tends to upset their blessed little hearts. Instead, try crucifixes on the front lawn. Showing an understanding of their culture will surely put you in their good books.

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Auntie is an unlicensed, unqualified, drunken lush, who wants to hear from you, and you shouldn’t take any of her advice… Ever.