THEGAYUK

Tag: Movie Genre Adventure

  • FILM REVIEW | Avengers Endgame

    FILM REVIEW | Avengers Endgame

    ★★★★★ | AVENGERS ENDGAME

    Marvel Studios’ AVENGERS: ENDGAME..L to R: Hawkeye/Clint Barton (Jeremy Renner), War Machine/James Rhodey (Don Cheadle), Iron Man/Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr.), Captain America/Steve Rogers (Chris Evans), Nebula (Karen Gillan), Rocket (voiced by Bradley Cooper), Ant-Man/Scott Lang (Paul Rudd) and Black Widow/Natasha Romanoff (Scarlett Johansson)..Photo: Film Frame..©Marvel Studios 2019

    Probably the most anticipated film of all time is now the most successful film in cinema history. The immediate sequel to Avengers Infinity War and the climax to the hugely successful decade of Marvel Comics 22 film marathon. After the shocking climax of the last movie with the Avengers losing big time, what next? Who lives and dies this time? And how do they send off the most beloved characters in film history?

    Answer with the best superhero film ever made that’s how!

    Nutshell – The ultimate superhero villain Thanos succeeded in gathering together all six infinity stones which have been spread across all of the decades’ superhero films and with a click of his fingers kills half of the universe including favourites such as Black Panther, Spiderman and almost all of The Guardians Of The Galaxy. How does the world, the universe and the remaining Avenger superheroes cope with the loss and go forward? All seems lost as this is set 5 years depressingly in the future but then…

    This film will make you laugh out loud, cheer, cry and give you loads to talk about through repeated viewings. Simply spine-tingling and incredible at a number of key moments. Believe the hype for once.

    Running Time – 181 Minutes – Cert 12A. A very very long movie but there are 10 years of loose ends and story arcs to tie up and they succeed with each one with pure class.

    The Gay UK Factor – Gay cosplay heaven. Chris’s Hemsworth, Pratt & Evans lead the wank bank possibilities here plus Black Panther, Hawkeye and a superb buff looking Bucky Barnes The Winter Soldier will all make your hole twitch. Chris Evans, unfortunately, shaves his beard off from Infinity ward which is a big shame but at least he does it shirtless. Another jerk-off negative is Chris Hemsworth’s Thor for reasons that become apparent when you see the film but there is a tonne of male flesh squeezing into tight latex for three very happy hours plus more than one reference to Captain America’s ass being the ‘ass of America’ to enjoy too… and it sure is.

    Cast – For the first time ever there are 25 names above the movie title. This is very very star heavy. Robert Downey Jnr has the top slot but with 16 other movie headliners of their own and an army of cameos including Robert Redford, Michael Douglas, William Hurt & Michelle Pfeiffer plus all the usual Marvel suspects you won’t be shortchanged in star power for your hard earned.

    Key Player – This is the new dictionary definition of the word ensemble so no point singling out anyone except Thor and Rocket racoon get all the best funny lines and Hawkeye the best action beats. The real key players are the directors here Joe and Anthony Russo who pull off whichever way you look at it – the fourth Avenger sequel or the 22nd Marvel Universe sequel and make it the best yet. Giving every member of the massive cast something worthwhile to do and tying up so many stories so satisfactorily. The other key player is the God at Marvel/Disney Kevin Feige who oversees all and is the one who decided to make so many different movies linked with each other over so many years and three chapters of the Marvel Universe which comes to a close here so onto Chapter Four in a couple of months with the next Tom Holland Spidey film.

    Budget – $400,000,000 plus – Yes, the most expensive film in history but after four days it had made $1.2 Billion dollars so this was no gamble. Bonus’s all round as it climbs the All-Time Box Office Charts with gusto leaping over Frozen, Fast & Furious and Toy Story by the hour. Marvel now move on to stage four of their universe so expect even bigger budgets and profits to come.

    Best Bit – 2 hr 12 mins; A big turning point in the movie which we will not spoil for you but you won’t miss it just ensure you are not holding any popcorn at the time.

    Worst Bit – 1 hr 49 mins; When you are now bursting for the toilet but there is so much going on you cannot decide when to make a run for it. By the way unusual for a Marvel film but there are no scenes in the credits at all so no need to sit through 10 minutes of CGI and stunt men’s names this time… go to the bar and start the lengthy discussion about what you have just seen instead.

    Little Secret – The film held previews on a Thursday night and two websites crashed and all seats in America were sold in SIX hours flat. Three Cinema chains decided for the first time ever to open right through the night and continue 24/7 to deal with demand.

    It made $60 Million at its previews breaking all records and next day it broke more than the biggest weekend box office ever and so it goes clearing $1 Billion dollars on the 4th day (which only 3 films have done in history). Demand was so high that two tickets in New Jersey were sold for $15,000 for an IMAX showing of the 15 buck movie. This review took a day to write and in that time Endgame made more than any non-Marvel release of 2018 did in its entire run.

    Further Viewing – Really? Well, you need to buff up on all 22 films in the Marvel Universe starting with Iron Man in 2008. Then move on to the DC Universe back through Nolan’s Dark Knights and onto Tim Burton’s Batman’s & Christopher Reeves first two Superman films. Add The Crow and Blade and then ignore all other superhero films like the plague especially anything with the words Fantastic and Four in them.

    Any Good – This is a masterpiece with one jaw-dropping air punching moment after another. Probably the biggest superstar cast ever assembled each with their own moment in the most expensive movie in history and a last hour that will not be beaten this year or possibly for many years.

    Bye, bye Avatar, so long Titanic, Au Revoir Star Wars, Pirates, Bond and Potter the world has a new all-time box office champ and we have no hesitation in giving it five huge stars to boot.

    You hoped it would be great but it is 10 times better than you ever expected. There was the movie world before Endgame and a completely different and better one after. Everything is wrapped up perfectly making an instant classic. Just incredible!

  • FILM REVIEW | Captain Marvel

    FILM REVIEW | Captain Marvel

    CAPTAIN MARVEL – Marvel studio’s biggest female hero makes her debut having to battle some shape-shifting aliens setting up the truly massive Avengers Endgame next month.

    Nutshell – Carol Danvers (Brie Larson) arrives on earth and needs to start piecing together her past to work out what aliens are running amok for and why she has become one of the most powerful superheroes in the universe. Set in the mid-nineties with a young looking Nick Fury & Agent Coulson this has a lot of fun playing prequel elements to the other 20 blockbuster superhero films in the Marvel cannon of the last decade.

    Running Time – 124 Minutes – Cert PG-12A.

    Tagline – ‘Higher, Further, Faster’ Or ‘Everything Starts With a Her(o)’

    THEGAYUK Factor – Possibly the least sexy superhero film ever with hardly any fit men anywhere not even amongst the usual bad guy’s Henchmen as they are all covered in monster latex make-up. Jude Law playing the Captain’s senior officer at the outset is your one hope but he is hardly a gay icon and far too clean cut…..the sort of prissy looking guy that would put on a condom before you gave him a blow job

    Cast – Brie Larson takes the lead here and she is great in the role. She is supported by Samuel L Jackson, Jude Law, Ben Mendelsohn, a welcome return for Annette Benning and this is the very last cameo appearance shot by the recently deceased Marvel God Stan Lee (Not the last to be released as we have two more of them shot for Avengers & Superman films made earlier).

    Key Player – There is a wonderful cat which Fury adopts called Goose which steals every scene and most of the movie. It has one or two surprises too, most of all with Marvel there is always scenes in the end credits and sit right to the end for Goose to have the all-important last word.

    Budget – $82 Million but it made back £153 Million in its first weekend which just shows the continued domination of superheroes at our multiplexes and the wisdom of Disney buying up Marvel a few years back – purely and simply these are pure 100% guaranteed cash cows.

    Best Bit – 0.28 mins; A great fight on and around an urban train with an accompanying car chase in a nineties action movie style is very thrilling. The fact that the enemy in a sneaky way keeps changing shape into different people makes it a very clever little scene.

    Worst Bit – 0.05 mins; The opening 10 minutes on two random planets is very confusing and simply rushed and is about as interesting as a bad episode of Star Trek or trying to get a hard-on with a fit guy after drinking a bottle of vodka. It gets into its groove when the characters eventually get to earth.

    Little Secret – Brie Larson is allergic to cats which she did not mention to the producers at the outset. Captain Marvel’s sidekick turns out to be a cat called Goose which then had to be played in Brie’s scenes by a puppet. Four real cats do all the other scenes in the movie. The first Marvel female superhero film was released on International Women’s Day and the soundtrack is almost entirely female orientated with the likes of Desree, TLC, No Doubt, Garbage and Salt N Pepa.

    Further Viewing – All previous twenty entries in the Marvel universe catalogue, Wonder Woman, The Justice League, All Batmans & Spidermans etc. Basically any movie where the hero is in tight latex or otherwise any of the hundreds of great gay superhero porno’s try Man.com pastiches or Eye Of The Cyclone.

    Any Good – A great lead performance backed by Mr reliable Samuel L. carries this nicely. Your life will not be diminished greatly if you don’t see it but if you do it is perfectly adequate entertainment (after the crap first 10 minutes). It is no Captain America or Deadpool unfortunately but also it is much better than say recent Superman films or… shudder…all Fantastic Four movies. Basically, in a word it is fine no more no less could benefit from some sexy studs though.

    Rating: 59/100

     

  • FILM REVIEW | Rampage

    RAMPAGE – An outer space Scientific accident and the world is faced by giant marauding animals and the only thing that can save mankind is 6.6″ of man-muscle in the shape of the king of bulges Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.

    Nutshell – Three animals get hit by a dangerous pathogen from an exploding space station, one of which is The Rock’s best mate, a giant albino gorilla. They get to be real big and nasty and set out to destroy Chicago and beyond but can Dwayne and his female sidekick save the day, get his monkey mate back from the darkside and beat the human conspiracy behind it all? Be warned you may need a hanky before the end and not for wanking over the big man’s incredible sleeveless biceps.

    Running Time – 107 minutes – 12A

    Tagline – ‘Big Meets Bigger’. Our favourite hot-as-fuck man-ape meets real bare bottomed monkeys.

    The Gay UK Factor – Dwayne Johnson is one of the hottest men on the planet and if you are into muscles there is no-one bigger and better. He is now the highest paid actor on earth and just coming off of two monster hit films in Fast & Furious 8 and Jumanji so he is hot in every single meaning of the word. He knows how to please his gay following spending huge amounts of time in shirtless/armless tops and tight ass trousers. After his Diehard movie Skyscraper and Suicide Squad 2 we will get the most anticipated gay movie of all time… no not Mamma Mia 2 but The Rocl buddying up with The Stath (Jason Statham) in Hobbs and Shaw the ultimate bald-headed, muscle off, all action, all fighting gay fantasy and yes there is shirtless sweating scenes a plenty.

    Cast – Dwayne Johnson, Miss Moneypenny herself Naomie Harris, Negan himself from The Walking Dead Jeffrey Dean Morgan plus a bunch of very sexy bad guys and thugs who get taken out all too soon by one of the killer animals as far as we are concerned.

    Key Player – This is a one-man show so it is Dwayne’s film but he is equalled paw for fist by the CGI gorilla George who will steal your heart and you will believe he is truly real. If you love animals you will be happy likewise if you like masculine male muscle you will be too.

    Budget – $120 Million and it looks like it will make that back in the USA but any film with The Rock in is a goldmine internationally so it’s at $180 Million Worldwide in the first six days and about to be released in the Far East where they eat this monster movie stuff up and can’t stand things like Star Wars.

    Best Bit – 0.95 mins; The ending is great but that would mean spoilers so let’s go with the very funny second scene of the movie in the gorilla enclosure which sets the entertainment tone perfectly for the film after the silly giant rat opener.

    Worst Bit – 0.15 mins; The brother and sister baddies would fit better in a rubbish camp batman sixties TV episode and they are as about as threatening as a two-inch cock in a dark room.

    Little Secret – This looks like the first truly successful video game movie transition ever especially after the recent tipped but flopping Tomb Raider continued that jinx. Yes, this was originally a computer game. This is so unlike the games in many ways which is maybe why it is working most notably in the computer version the giant Gorilla, Wolf, Crocodile etc are originally humans whereas here they are just mutated or enlarged versions of the animal which makes a lot more sense.

    Further Viewing – Godzilla’s 1 and 2, Jurassic Parks 1 through 5, Mimic, Eight Legged Freaks, Them, Razorback, Lake Placid and either the original or latest Kink Kong’s but not the 1976 Jeff Bridges version for the sake of your own sanity.

    Any Good – There is a word you only ever see in movie reviews and that is Hokum. This film is the definition of Hokum as it is total utter nonsense but done with such passion, love and humour that you will forgive it anything. The action is superb and there is plenty of it along the lines of some epic building shattering Superhero or Transformers film but with some female appeal here. Dwayne’s continual successful good run continues and he is still the king of action, international cinema appeal and 50% of gay men’s vinegar strokes jerking fantasy…

    Rating – 57% out of 100.

  • FILM REVIEW | Pirates Of The Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales

    FILM REVIEW | Pirates Of The Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales – Captain Jack Sparrow is back for the fifth and final time in the search along with everyone else for Poseidon’s Trident which is the only thing that can save him from an army of zombie pirates.

    Nutshell – Orlando Bloom, Keira Knightley and all are back for one final time before setting sail into the sunset – God even Paul McCartney turns up too. The undead Captain Salazar escapes from the Devil’s Triangle which Jack Sparrow had trapped him in. He wants revenge by eliminating every pirate from the earth and Jack’s only hope is an artefact that gives full control over the seas – cue the mother of all chases across land and over and under the sea to tie up all the loose ends of 11 hours of fun films in this hugely successful franchise.

    Running Time – 129 minutes; Certificate – 12A.

    Tagline – ‘Dead Men Tell No Tales’ or ”All Pirates Must Die’

    THEGAYUK Factor – Orlando Bloom is one hot fukka with the second biggest peen in Hollywood to Jon Hamm allegedly but he goes missing for the middle of the film so the eye candy is taken up by young newbie Brenton Thwaites. Pirates are hot and we’re sure they enjoyed each other below decks as you can see in the recently released gay porn version of this franchise ‘Pirates’ from Men.com featuring UK Gay Porn megastar Paddy O’Brian shagging over the yardarm on a real pirate ship.

    Cast – Johnny Depp, Javier Bardem, Geoffrey Rush, Orlando Bloom, Keira Knightley, David Wenham & Kevin McNally.

    Key Player – Ever since the first movie when he was a supporting character these films are all now about Johnny Depp and here he has a lot more funny lines than normal – he also has this character down pat and really carries the weight of this massive movie.

    Budget – $350 Million making it one of the Top 10 most expensive films ever – $90 Million was added due to Depp’s divorce trauma’s, him busting his wrist and having to return to the States and that dog smuggling into Oz problem but it will still make a nice profit worldwide.

    Best Bit – 0.31 mins; A truly great bank heist that fits the tone of these films perfectly although it is ripped hook, line and anchor from the climax to Fast And Furious 5, but hey ho, it still works a treat. Don’t get distracted at the end of the epic stunt sequence at the bridge bit though as there is an awful blooper where six horses suddenly all disappear at once.

    Worst Bit – 0.42 mins; The David Wenham character representing the British Navy is not so much unnecessary but wholly obsolete and somewhat confusing and why does he want the Trident anyway?

    Little Secret – The Pirates’ films are the 9th most lucrative franchise of all time and this is the most expensive to date. After Keith Richard’s from the Rolling Stones as his dad here we get Paul McCartney from The Beatles playing Jack’s Uncle and singing Maggie Mae from the Let it Be Album. This was supposed to be the last Pirates ever but just this week they have announced number 6 and Keira Knightley will be back for the whole thing next time.

    Further Viewing – The Black Pearl, Dead Man’s Chest, At World’s End, On Stranger Tides for 11 hours of Jack madness plus Cutthroat Island, Blackbeard, Treasure Island, Hook and 10 years in the making Roman Polanski’s ‘Pirates‘.

    Any Good – It is basically a carbon copy of the first movie with bigger set pieces and more CGI. As that was the best one of the series and they have upped the humour here then this is definitely a return to form and is very welcome in that it is shorter too. All good fun but nothing really new here to be honest and it will get a bit lost in the midst of a very busy Summer of sequels.

    Rating – 65% out of 100.

     

     

  • FILM REVIEW | Guardians of the Galaxy 2

    GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY 2 – The Fab 5 of the Marvel universe are back after the surprise huge success of part 1 – cue big laughs, huge action and a fantastic 70’s cheese pop hit soundtrack.

    Guardians of the galaxy review

    Nutshell – After saving the universe last time our heroes are now in huge demand as hired troubleshooters across the stars dispatching monsters to the songs of ELO. Groot is now Baby Groot and Rocket the gun-toting racoon is causing havoc left, right and centre. Starlord finds his father, but is everything as it seems? Soon all hell is breaking loose and the universe needs saving all over again. This time with even more comedy in the funniest Superhero film of all time.

    Running Time – 136 minutes; Certificate – 12A.

    Tagline – ‘Anyone Can Save The Galaxy Once’.

    THEGAYUK Factor – Don’t be late as right at the start Chris Pratt gets naked in two shower scenes which are wholly unnecessary except to satisfy his massive gay following that he is very aware of. You will greatly enjoy his buff muscular body and at this rate, we expect him to deliver full naked ass shots in next year’s Jurassic Park and we really hope he has to bend over to pick something up.

    Cast – Chris ‘Mr Muscles’ Pratt, Zoe Saldana, Dave Bautista, Kurt Russell, Sylvester Stallone and the returning voices of Vin Diesel and Bradley Cooper as Groot and Rocket respectively.

    Key Player – It’s a three-way split between whoever produced the great sing-a-long Awesome Mix Tape 2, James Gunn who directed but even more successfully wrote it and Bradley Cooper whose rodent gets all the very best lines.

    Budget – $200 Million which is a whopping sum but after its first week of worldwide release it has made $250 Million and it will make at least three maybe four times that in total – a new money making bandwagon has begun – sequel movies are going nowhere.

    Best Bit – 0.47 mins; Rocket Raccoon takes on a whole army of opponents in a forest with a bunch of ingenious traps that will get any cinema crowd whooping and hollering. When Rocket is on the screen this movie soars.

    Worst Bit – 1.35 mins; The characters here are great the story isn’t. This really hits home at the three-quarter mark when the big bad’s plan is revealed and you A) don’t understand it B. have no interest in it and C) don’t want it resolved by endless blinding CGI.

    Little Secret – They planned a cameo by David Bowie but his death vetoed that, Miley Cyrus, The Hoff and Howard The Duck do make it in. Don’t be late or you will miss Chris Pratt naked and certainly don’t leave early as there are a record-breaking five scenes during the end credits.

    Further Viewing – Guardians 1, Avengers 1 & 2, Thor 1 & 2, Fantastic Four movies if you really have to and everything in the Marvel cannon as all these films intertwine and we are heading fast towards Avengers Infinity War which is two films where the Guardians meet The Hulk, Captain America, Iron Man, Spiderman etc – The biggest movie or car crash of all time coming to megaplexes next year.

    Any Good – Wow, this is great fun, really really great fun, you will laugh, cry, dance, sing and yelp with excitement – go see it now. After last years endless blockbuster disasters, yes Ghostbusters/Independence Day/Batman V Superman and X-Men we are looking at you with Beauty and the Beast & Fast & Furious 8 and now this we could be in for a run of Billion dollar movies through 2017 via Pirates/Aliens/Star Wars/Apes/Transformers/Minions etc – we predict 2017 will be the biggest money making year in a Century of Hollywood movie making; Exciting times.

    Rating – 89% out of 100.

  • FILM REVIEW | Doctor Strange

    FILM REVIEW | Doctor Strange

    DOCTOR STRANGE – The 96th superhero film of the year probably. What can Benedict Cumberbatch do in spandex and with this never ending genre.

    Benedict Cumberbatch Doctor Strange
    Photo Credit: Jay Maidment..©2016 Marvel. All Rights Reserved.

    Nutshell – A surgeon loses his hands in a horrific car accident and goes on a voyage of discovery to the Himalaya’s where he finds superpowers in magic form meanwhile a mystical bad guy attacks two of the three entry sanctums in Honk Kong and London and it’s New York next and then the World is f***ed .

    Running Time – 115 minutes; Certificate – 12A

    Tagline – ‘The impossibilities are endless’

    The Gay UK Factor – Either you think Benedict is the sexiest man alive in which case you will love him in action mode or otherwise you will just enjoy his superb acting chops as usual. No other eye candy or gay sexiness here except the main henchman Scott Adkins who looks as though he would be a great lay… so bring on the fight and chase sequences.

    Cast – Benedict Cumberbatch, Rachel McAdams, Chiwetel Ejiofor, Tilda Swinton, Benjamin Bratt and Mads Mikkelson doing the same bad guy thing he did so well in Hannibal and Casino Royale he is the new Alan Rickman of baddies.

    Key Player – Marvel of course who seem to produce an endless supply of new superheroes many of which we have never heard of before and they all hit. They also a clever at creating new angles each time and twists in the story but keeping to the winning formula. This is the 14th movie in the Marvel Universe.

    Budget – $165 Million which is big but already made that back; now on for some serious profit and a bunch of sequels.

    Best Bit – 1.15 mins; When the hero discovers what will become his trademark cloak which turns out to have a life of its own. It becomes its own character and starts stealing scenes from this point on.

    Worst Bit – 0.35 mins; This is an origin film so we know there will be some discovery and a training montage but this one does drag a bit and makes your feet start to shuffle. It is not helped here with the learning curve being about mystical planes and alternate realities basically, out and out bollocks tbh.

    Little Secret – Benedict was the first choice for the role but had to turn it down due to his stage schedule in Hamlet. Joachim Phoenix was then cast but he went AWOL, so back to Cumberbatch it went. Casting Tilda Swinton as a Tibetan guru is seen as whitewashing the film in a partially racist way by many to placate the vitally important Chinese market who are touchy about anything Tibetan.

    Further Viewing – Surely you can work this out for yourself – every X-men, Iron Man, Captain America, Spiderman, Batman, Deadpool, Antman, Guardians, ad infin..effing..nitum.

    Any Good – Very good indeed there are two major action beats where reality is truly skewed in a sort of Inception/Matrix fashion that makes it unlike any other Superhero movie around. Having a truly great actor in the lead makes it all so believable and he is on top form here. So great characterization, humour, action and a cool story with a better bad guy and evil plan this could be really jumping onto everyone’s fave superhero film lists. The sequel could be incredible but he is in the new Thor next.

    Rating – 21/100 (21st out of the last 100 films reviewed with 1 being Gay UK filmatic heaven and 100 being a dud).

  • FILM REVIEW | Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them

    FILM REVIEW | Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them

    ★★★★ | Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them

    FANTASTIC BEASTS AND WHERE TO FIND THEM review
    Courtesy of Warner Bros. Pictures

    You cannot help but wonder how J.K Rowling’s Wizarding World (writing her first original screenplay) will work without Harry Potter and his crew.

    Well, given that it is based in another country and about 54 years before Harry Potter was born, it was pretty easy to forget about him within the first 20 mins because you fall completely in love with Newt Scamander, the socially awkward and shy wizard, played by Eddie Redmayne, and his No-Maj friend (the new American term for a Muggle) Jacob Kowalski, played by Dan Fogler.

    But all is not as shiny as a bag of Galleons; some of the editing with the action scenes leaves them loud, aggressive and hard to follow. I Imagine seeing this in the IMAX or/and in 3D could be pretty intense, but not in a good way.

    The real screen stealer is Samantha Morton, who plays Mary Lou, a leader of the New Salem Philanthropic Society, an extremist group that exposed and eradicated witchcraft in the 1920. Her performance echoed the recent rise of the right wing in the USA, characterised by fear of  change and their perceptions of ungodliness.

    Overall this is a great entry into this magical world and shows that Rowling and David Yates (director of the final four Harry Potter Films as well as Fantastic Beasts) are Hollywood gold.

  • FILM REVIEW | Jason Bourne

    FILM REVIEW | Jason Bourne

    JASON BOURNE – The 5th film in the saga of the memory loss super-spy and former FBI agent. Matt Damon is back after the Jeremy Renner misfire

    CREDIT: universal pictures
    CREDIT: universal pictures

    Nutshell – Picking up where the third movie left off and completely passing over number four this time coming staight out of the headlines with a massive wikileaks style hack story. Our hero gets dragged back out of hiding (again) to defeat those nasty plotting American war mongerers. This time he heads to Athens, Berlin, London Paddington and Las Vegas and the action is pretty non-stop with superstar Brit director Paul Greengrass back in charge of the mayhem (The only reason for Damon’s return)

    Time – 123 mins; Certificate – 12A.

    Tagline – ‘You Know His Name’ a play on the James Bond Casino Royale ‘You Know My Name’ tag.

    The Gay UK Factor – Don’t be late arriving as the hottest scene is right at the start when we get Matt Damon in a shirtless illegal underground fight club with plenty of sweat, muscle and blood for your right wrists attention.

    Cast – Matt Damon. Tommy Lee Jones, Alicia Vikander, Scott Sheperd, Vincent Cassel and franchise regular the truly gorgeous Julia Styles.

    Key Player – The British Superstar director Paul Greengrass who is unbeaten in making great exciting hit blockbuster movies straight out of the headlines. From Bloody Sunday to United 93, from Green Zone to Captain Phillips plus two pevious Bourne movies he is able to make the Stephen Lawrence case, 9/11, The Irish Troubles, The Somali Pirates etc into pure thought provoking entertainment and here he does it again with whistleblower Julian Assange – this movie might not be shown in the Ecuadorian Embassy!

    Budget – $120 Million but it’s already made $160 Million with a lot of legs left in it yet – a bona fide deserved hit where Hollywood does what it is best at and that is simply repeat what has worked before ad-infintum. Matt Damon is awaiting the phone to ring for number six surely.

    Best Bit – 0.36mins; There is a stunt in the final sequence which could go straight up against the opening chase in TMNTurtles as the best action clip of the year. As we are not into spoilers then the second best bit is a very tense possible death scene of a major character at the end of the Athens chase.

    Worst Bit – 1.02 mins; The upside of Bourne films is their realism but the problem with this is that we often expect a lot more than real life from our Hollywood entertainment. The bad guy here and the threat factor is not that huge in an era where we are used to world threatening bond villains or nasty geezers out to blow up the world – computer threat of secrets from a guy in a suit is a bit passe.

    Little Secret – The Las Vegas car chase sequence took five weeks to shoot and at the end the sequence wrecked 170 cars – They were only allowed to film on the strip between midnight and 5AM. They could not film the Greek scenes there as the taxes were too high due to that country’s financial woes so they mocked up Tenerife to look like Athens instead.

    Movie Mistake – A lot of car trouble, a number of times in the Las Vegas car chase you can see no driver in the vehicles, during a huge crash no airbags are deployed and four times the vehicles pass Bally’s and Paris Casinos on the strip which probably shows us how little access they actually had over the busy Vegas streets. Also why no-one noticed that the Audi Bourne hires in London has the steering wheel on the left side we will never know.

    Further Viewing – Four Bourne films and 25 Bond movies to begin with. Also Kingsman, The Ipcress File, Bridge Of Spies, Mission Impossible, Spy Game, The Third Man, 24 and Spooks.

    Any Good – Yes this is ace and worthy of the original trio that went before it. The action is spot on and the directing is out of this world. Matt Damon looks great and has this character locked down now. The others have great sequences but this is probably the best all round movie of the franchise.

    Rating – 70%

     

     

  • FILM REVIEW | Star Trek Beyond

    STAR TREK BEYOND – The 13th Star Trek film – remember the odd-numbered ones are the good ones does that all change here?

    Nutshell – The third movie in the rebooted series. The crew set off from the best spaceport in the Universe to help a missing crippled ship in a nebula hence out of contact. They come under attack from a big bad guy who has been planning bigger dirty deeds from afar which soon become apparent and whilst he sets off to destroy said spaceport and all human kind, our heroes are separated, enslaved or worse on a desolate planet that looks like a quarry in Surrey (Actually Vancouver).

    Time – 122 mins; Certificate – 12A.

    Tagline – None. Let’s face it you know what you are going to get by now after 50 years and are either in or out.

    THE GAY UK FACTOR – Chris Pine and Idris Elba in mano et mano wrestling and fighting action as to who gets to live or in our universe loser gets done in the ass by the winner as in Kink.com’s wrestling videos online.

    Cast – Chris Pine, Zachary Quinto, Simon Pegg, Zoe Saldana, Karl Urban with all the regulars plus Idris Elba and Sofia Betella and a bunch or red-shirt cannon fodder.

    Key Player – Simon Pegg has now also taken on writing duties so the humour is upped substantially and it works. Of course he still plays Engineer Scotty, superbly too, and has quietly gone from BBC TV sitcom land to possibly our biggest movie star with this franchise plus two others with the Mission Impossible and Ice Age films plus his own starring comedies like Shaun Of The Dead, Hot Fuzz and Paul, where does he find the time – Nick Frost who?

    Budget – $185 Million, It’s positive reception will mean that it will turn out to be a very profitable little number especially in a Summer of underachievers yes Ghostbusters and Independence Day 2 we are looking at you.

    Best Bit – 0.31mins; The first time the bad guys attack we get a very long, tense and sustained action sequence with real threat as the Starship Enterprise gets destroyed piece by piece before your very eyes….or does it?

    Worst Bit – 1.28 mins; When Kirk goes all ‘The Great Escape’ on a vintage motorbike he finds in space….yes we know! Many critics say this is a great action movie but not a Star Trek film, judge for yourselves of course but this sequence would fit much better in Fast and Furious 8: Vin Diesel in a space quarry.

    Little Secret -Writer Simon Pegg and director Justin Lin made the decision of making Sulu gay as a nod to original actor George Takei, who has since become a prominent LGBT rights activist. After production on the film was completed and a month before the film’s release, Anton Yelchin (Chekov) was killed in a freak car accident. During the end credits, there is a caption “For Anton”.

    Movie Mistake – As the Enterprise gets hacked to pieces and split in two it seems incongruous that the lights, air, gravity seem unaffected. Then the ship starts to flip upside down but still the crew are running along floors and ceilings with gay abandon. Newton’s law of gravity for christsake!

    Further Viewing – Well you have twelve others to go at for starters our fave is number 4 The Voyage Home followed by First Contact; Stargate, Aliens, Battlestar Galactica and anything from that galaxy far away and a long long time ago.

    Any Good – Well yeah, the rebooted formula is well sorted now and the cast fit their parts perfectly. The original story is done and there is no attempts at cameos from Trek characters of the past just a straight forward adventure movie. Like a TV episode three times as long and with 50 times the budget. One of those rare Trek films that would appeal outside of the home fan-base. Number 14 please.

    Rating – 34/100 (34th out of the last 100 films reviewed with 1 being Gay UK filmatic heaven and 100 being a dud).

  • FILM REVIEW | The Legend Of Tarzan

    FILM REVIEW | The Legend Of Tarzan

    THE LEGEND OF TARZAN – The eternal story of the jungle hero brought up by apes who turns into a 6’4″ plus sweaty almost nude muscle man is back.

    Legend Of Tarzan
    CREDIT: Warner Bros

     

    Nutshell – The story has been filmed so many times over the last 98 years and here he gets his biggest budget yet in both an original story and an adventure involving diamonds and nasty Euro villains. Starting in England as the grown up suited and booted Lord Greystoke we get to flashback to the loss of his parents, the adoption by gorillas and how he met Jane before his Lordship whips his clothes off to start swinging through the jungle in the main plot for a bit of revenge, rescue the missus and to sort out some international political shenanigans and save the day. Thank goodness here he can communicate with the animals as he sure needs there help big time.

    Time – 110 mins; Certificate – 12A.

    Tagline – ‘Human…Nature’.

    THE GAY UK FACTOR – Well you have to wait 30 minutes until you get to see a nipple thereafter it is 90 minutes of rippling sweaty muscle running, jumping and wrestling with other buff men. Tarzan is played by Alexander Skarsgard the hottest piece of Swedish blonde manhood you have ever seen. If you want more check out the new gay porn parody Tarzan from Men.com starring porn superstar Diego Sans with his 10 incher stumping every man up the butt who steps into his jungle like an ape on heat and banging his chest and letting out his infamous shout when he cums the choice is yours !.

    Cast – Alexander Skarsgard (Zoolander 2), Margot Robbie (The Wolf Of Wall Street), Christoph Waltz (Spectre), Jim Broadbent (Moulin Rouge), Ben Chaplin (Cinderella) and Samuel ‘I’ve had it with these motherf***ing snakes on this motherf***ing plane’ L. Jackson.

    Key Player – Christoph Waltz is the only stand out in a sea of beige here. A great scene stealing actor ever since Tarantino launched him into the big time a decade ago and here he adds another complete bastard to his run of Nazi’s in Inglorious Bastards or his Blofeld in the latest James Bond.

    Budget – $180 Million, One of the biggest budgets of the Summer but we are looking at a merely break-even film here, so no profit, no sequel and no franchise…..oh dear!

    Best Bit – 0.50 mins; Tarzan and buds swing on vines onto a fast-moving train which is a very entertaining but unnecessary action set-piece.

    Worst Bit – 0.20 mins; Basically the whole first act is slow going, get your kit off man and fight something so we watch those muscles move and smell those pits.

    Little Secret – The 6’4″ actor had to get his bod in shape twice as the cast had to return 8 months later for re-shoots. He said, “We have an outline already for the sequel in which Tarzan gains weight. Tarzan remains hairy and does not have eight pack abs. It has no action and Tarzan eats cake, lots of cake. I wrote it.”…..no worries there is no sequel wanted here.

    Movie Mistake – The bad guys death right at the end has a couple of hideous errors check them for yourself as we are not into giving spoilers here.

    Further Viewing – The International Movie Database lists over 200 Tarzan films over the last 98 years so when done with those try The Jungle Book (2016), Fitzcarraldo, Romancing The Stone, Congo & even George Of The Jungle.

    Any Good – Not really considering that budget. There is plenty of action and a heavily CGI’d finale which hardly engages but the acting is so phoned in and the editing is appalling jumping back in time as and when and leaping the main story onwards with an unexplained blur – you will switch off before the end after all the whole cast except Waltz do. Decent wanking material though.

    Rating – 81/100 (81st out of the last 100 films reviewed with 1 being Gay UK filmatic heaven and 100 being a dud).

  • 60 SECOND FILM REVIEW | Independence Day : Resurgence

    60 SECOND FILM REVIEW | Independence Day : Resurgence

    INDEPENDENCE DAY: RESURGENCE – The aliens are back to try and take over the world and destroy some more well-known landmarks 20 years after the first campy sci-fi classic. The effects have moved on greatly but has the story gone with it?

    (C) CREDIT: Fox

    Nutshell – Same format almost exactly but everything is a lot bigger and noisier this time. A random bunch of unconnected characters all have their moments just like last time and are all needed in some way to defeat a much bigger threat from outer space. This time the aliens mean business with only one ship but here it lands in the Atlantic ‘Which bit ? a character asks ‘the whole of it as this warship is 3,000 miles across’ is the reply and their plans are even more full on this time, but us humans have some new extraterrestrial help too.

    Time – 121 mins; Certificate – 12A

    Tagline – ‘We had twenty years to prepare….so did they’.

    THE GAY UK FACTOR – The younger Hemsworth brother the hunky Liam for a full two hours in military uniform is the main attraction here. His brother Chris (Thor) has been at the very top of our wank bank for years but his younger sibling has the same Aussie man’s man muscle look!

    Cast – Liam ‘megabulge’ Hemsworth, Jeff Goldblum, Vivian A Fox, Judd Hirst, Bill Pullman basically everyone is back except Will Smith who obviously knew something the others didn’t (and wanted far too much cash – see below).

    Key Player – Jeff Goldblum is pure class, he eats up the screen and brings his much loved puzzled scientist from, The Fly and Jurassic Park films front and centre here as he slowly works out at the same pace as we do what the big bad’s are really up too.

    Budget – $165 Million a full $100m more than the first film now that’s inflation for you and it doesn’t make it a better film one bit. It will make profit as all brands tend to do but it won’t make enough to kickstart a third film which is somewhat trailed here (and was the original plan).

    Best Bit – 0.31 mins; A very tense rooftop hospital rescue which is genuinely nail biting and you won’t guess how the scene ends as it has the movies best twist.

    Worst Bit – 0.33 mins; As London gets demolished instead of Washington DC and New York last time we hit special effect overload as the good guys attempt their escape. Its effects look poor because they are, the scenario does not work at all and it is ludicrously unbelievable, unthrilling and you won’t care about the outcome which is pretty obvious anyway.

    Little Secret – The original film ID1 was the second highest grossing film of all time when it was released behind Jeff Goldblum’s other hit Jurassic Park. Will Smith was due to reprised his role here but Fox Studio turned down his record-breaking fee of $50 Million.

    Further Viewing – ID 1, War Of The Worlds, Mars Attacks, Alien 2, Predator, The Day The Earth Stood Still & V The classic TV series.

    Any Good – ID 2 is fine, no more no less. It is not a classic like the first one and it hugely misses the presence of Will Smith and his ‘Welcome to earth’ one liners. The fault is with the same director Roland Emmerich who this time is simply just phoning it in, this needs a much better story and more threat. We cannot remember a film when less would have been so much more than we have here – the first film was truly superb and had so many great ideas crammed in this one doesn’t and isn’t.

    Rating – 74/100 (74th out of the last 100 films reviewed with 1 being best and 100 being a damp squib).

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