FILM REVIEW | Pirates Of The Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales – Captain Jack Sparrow is back for the fifth and final time in the search along with everyone else for Poseidon’s Trident which is the only thing that can save him from an army of zombie pirates.

Nutshell – Orlando Bloom, Keira Knightley and all are back for one final time before setting sail into the sunset – God even Paul McCartney turns up too. The undead Captain Salazar escapes from the Devil’s Triangle which Jack Sparrow had trapped him in. He wants revenge by eliminating every pirate from the earth and Jack’s only hope is an artefact that gives full control over the seas – cue the mother of all chases across land and over and under the sea to tie up all the loose ends of 11 hours of fun films in this hugely successful franchise.

Running Time – 129 minutes; Certificate – 12A.

Tagline – ‘Dead Men Tell No Tales’ or ”All Pirates Must Die’

THEGAYUK Factor – Orlando Bloom is one hot fukka with the second biggest peen in Hollywood to Jon Hamm allegedly but he goes missing for the middle of the film so the eye candy is taken up by young newbie Brenton Thwaites. Pirates are hot and we’re sure they enjoyed each other below decks as you can see in the recently released gay porn version of this franchise ‘Pirates’ from featuring UK Gay Porn megastar Paddy O’Brian shagging over the yardarm on a real pirate ship.

Cast – Johnny Depp, Javier Bardem, Geoffrey Rush, Orlando Bloom, Keira Knightley, David Wenham & Kevin McNally.

Key Player – Ever since the first movie when he was a supporting character these films are all now about Johnny Depp and here he has a lot more funny lines than normal – he also has this character down pat and really carries the weight of this massive movie.

Budget – $350 Million making it one of the Top 10 most expensive films ever – $90 Million was added due to Depp’s divorce trauma’s, him busting his wrist and having to return to the States and that dog smuggling into Oz problem but it will still make a nice profit worldwide.

Best Bit – 0.31 mins; A truly great bank heist that fits the tone of these films perfectly although it is ripped hook, line and anchor from the climax to Fast And Furious 5, but hey ho, it still works a treat. Don’t get distracted at the end of the epic stunt sequence at the bridge bit though as there is an awful blooper where six horses suddenly all disappear at once.

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Worst Bit – 0.42 mins; The David Wenham character representing the British Navy is not so much unnecessary but wholly obsolete and somewhat confusing and why does he want the Trident anyway?

Little Secret – The Pirates’ films are the 9th most lucrative franchise of all time and this is the most expensive to date. After Keith Richard’s from the Rolling Stones as his dad here we get Paul McCartney from The Beatles playing Jack’s Uncle and singing Maggie Mae from the Let it Be Album. This was supposed to be the last Pirates ever but just this week they have announced number 6 and Keira Knightley will be back for the whole thing next time.

Further Viewing – The Black Pearl, Dead Man’s Chest, At World’s End, On Stranger Tides for 11 hours of Jack madness plus Cutthroat Island, Blackbeard, Treasure Island, Hook and 10 years in the making Roman Polanski’s ‘Pirates‘.

Any Good – It is basically a carbon copy of the first movie with bigger set pieces and more CGI. As that was the best one of the series and they have upped the humour here then this is definitely a return to form and is very welcome in that it is shorter too. All good fun but nothing really new here to be honest and it will get a bit lost in the midst of a very busy Summer of sequels.

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Rating – 65% out of 100.



About the author: Paul Stag
Estbablished gay writer for a well known monthly magazine Dirty Boyz part of Boyz magazine with about 30 pages published each time. Mainly adult entertainment, fetish, travel, events, film reviews. Also pop culture from movies/TV and music.