There are a number of things in life that annoy everyone. Trains running late, an unexpected bill, people that do very little work but get all the rewards, Katie Hopkins, the realisation you’ve missed the McDonalds breakfast timings… those sorts of things.
But there are some things that annoy us gays specifically and things that, one day everyone will be suitably informed and emotionally aware enough to not ask these utterly stupid questions. I’ve run through the top 10 of these questions and thank to you those that fed back on these on twitter.
Are you the man or woman?
I’ve been in a serious long term relationship on 2 occasions in my life. On both occasions at least once each time someone has asked (seriously or not) “so who is the man in the relationship?”. Or, the other variation of “so she is the man and woman?”
First, and foremost, who said relationships have to be defined by gender stereotypes? When did this become unwritten natural law? And second, would being ‘the woman’ be such a bad thing as indicated by your tone?
It’s usually the straights that do this and they are simply imprinting onto to us their own understanding on how relationships work. One person is the man (or boss) and the other is the woman (not the boss). Although many relationships I know of straights, the man is very rarely the boss. So the whole concept is just crap. Not offensive to hear, just bloody annoying after a while.
Top or Bottom?
Within our own community, this question does grate on me. Usually online but you do get it face to face as well. “Are you top or bottom?”. Now, I’ve written more than one blog post on bottom shaming, Top vs Bottom etc so I freely admit that I may have added to this problem. But in all my posts I encourage sexual freedom. Don’t be defined or confined by it like this loaded question is designed to do.
Whenever someone asked me I tend to give a sarcastic response. “Are you a top” is usually met with an “ooooh I love this questionnaire things. I filled one in the other day and it said that I was most like a polo shirt. Stylish, functional and only really used by men of a certain age”.
Instead, why not ask someone what they enjoy doing sexually? Personally, I enjoy anal but for various practical reasons, I can’t take anything anally. I’m not your typical top as I actually care about the pleasure someone gets and am very patient and understanding about accidents. Something which very few ‘tops’ are. Something which needs to change!
Two tops or two bottoms – how does that work then?
Linked to the above is the really probing questions many couples face. When someone finds out if you are one thing or another then just have to know “So, you’re both tops/bottoms? How does that work then?”.
For which my usual, completely over the top response usually is, “Sorry Mavis, with your piles and John’s hip, how does it work for you?”.
Piss off, in short. Such questions have nothing to do with the outside world and are not someone one straight couple would ask another. While the temptation to be nosey is there, my eyes roll when I hear it as it’s just an excuse for someone to be nosey, intrusive and completely inappropriate.
Two friends together however over a wine or two, very different. No subjects are taboo in that scenario!
Have you ever had sex with a woman?
I always laugh at this one. It’s not like cheese tasting where you try a Danish Blue and decide strong cheese isn’t for you. Gays and indeed Bisexuals have a wide range of backgrounds. Some have drunk from the lady cup, others have not. One is not more valid than the other. Yet, once again, this usually comes from the straights. I’ve seen the odd gay man ask it but not usually with any seriousness and usually with context around our histories.
Don’t you want to try sex with a woman?
The straights, however, love to ask. Usually followed up with a “would you though, for the right woman?”. For which, once again, the answer is also no. Sexuality isn’t a cheese tasting course. I’m not going to grow a taste for the odd bit of Wensleydale with a nice dark port. P**s off.
So, that guy you mentioned, have you slept with him?
When we start talking about a friend we know, if they are male, both gays and straights alike, always get the urge to ask if we have slept with the said man.
The gays usually do it because they are your friend and they are being nosey looking for a juicy bit of gossip on what happened. Which is fine, sort of, but annoying none the less especially as the answer is usually no even though deep down we really wish it was a yes.
Did you always know you were gay?
Now this one is very context driven as there are occasions where it is a perfectly valid question between friends. But as one of those Ice Breaker questions when’s someone learns of your sexuality, that would be a no-no.
For me personally, I came out at 19 and I was only really in the ‘closet’ for about 4 years leading up to that point. Until midway through puberty my thoughts were very much about girls, I would even draw erotic art about girls. But after time I found myself drawing more of the male figure and focusing more on their roles in my short (erotic) stories. Around that point, I realised and starting going through the motions.
Yet those that haven’t been through what we have, don’t assume that. They just assume we have always lived and breathed being gay and therefore always knew. Not so, for many of us, this was something that developed or being realised at a point later in life. That doesn’t make us any less gay, yet the question seems to imply that we aren’t ‘purebred’ because we weren’t ‘gay from birth’.
Have you watched Drag Race?
I’ll admit, I do watch Drag Race. But even I get annoyed the number of times I am asked by straight friends and people I meet who learn I am gay. Last time I checked there wasn’t a ‘required watching’ list in order to be a gay man in the 21st century (and even if there was, Drag Race would not be on it). So it always makes me laugh how people take the most obvious part of the LGBT/Queer life and suddenly thing gay = must watch drag race.
Sorry boys n girls, I know plenty of gay men then don’t watch it and I admire / perve on them all the same.
How can you be gay, you don’t look gay?
Breaking news everyone, a scientist has discovered that gays are born and grow physically different from the rest of the human race. Research has found that a gay man has
– a higher metabolism, therefore, is often leaner in body shape (and has a larger penis because of it)
– has developed different vocal cords, therefore, their voice is often softer and of a higher pitch
– has weaker joints, therefore, things list wrists, elbows and knees bend easier leading to limp wrists, mincing walks and flexible body parts
– only seems to have the genes for lighter hair and eye colour
– skin that tans easily
– lower cognitive abilities resulting in a tendency for dry wit & humour (often referred to as “sass”.
Have you not heard of this discovery? No? Well, that’s because it’s a load of old rubbish. There is no such thing as a ‘gay look’, other than the typical image given to us by mainstream TV.
– Blue or Green eyes
– Well built
– softly spoken
I can see why people have had this impression, therefore, imprint it onto the wider community, but really? I am rarely any of these things (some things I am more of when drunk) but many of the physical things I most certainly am not. Especially the high metabolism part. Yet the last time I checked I was a gay man, capable of loving and pleasing other gay men?
That one I do find more offensive than annoying, but it is still annoying all the same.
Do you orgasm every time you have a poo?
This one came into me via Twitter from a follower. Apparently, a straight friend of theirs was curious about anal and asked the question. And for simple minds, I could see why they would come to the conclusion that having a rather large shit was the same as a good-sized cock up your arse.
I can safely say that they are not related, at all. So don’t ask you narrow-minded gibbon. It’s the same logic as so when you have a swab down your urethra, that’s just like having a piss right? No, it isn’t. ?️?
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