The scene… hold on I hear you say? Why do I hate the scene? It’s the place to be, to socialise and meet other like-minded individuals! But as you shall see my friends, The Scene is fraught with obstacles and dangers that lurk in the dark underbelly of that glitter infused world
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1. The Shade, The shade of it all…
This one would probably be the most obvious of things to dislike about the gay scene. The natural bitchiness that seems to infest the community. Whether it’s simply snide comments, or outright nastiness, there is a constant feeling of being judged by your taste in music, or who you are, if you don’t subscribe to the idea of perceived gay perfection.
2. It costs a lot of money to look this cheap…
Recently there is a fashion to go towards having the most up to date underwear, the most on fleek eyebrows and enough makeup on your face to smother a cow. I’m first to admit I’ll happily slap a thin layer of foundation and powder on in order to have a more even skin tone, but taking out shares in Boots makeup counter is not something I really feel the need to do. Plus hotels probably charge for leaving that amount of fake tan on the pillows.
3. You can’t sit with us…
Unless you’re 18, with perfectly styled hair and weigh enough to make a Twiglet look morbidly obese, you’re painfully looked down upon. God forbid you should be over 30 with a receding hairline and carrying a few extra pounds and still want to go out and have a dance and a drink. Cliques are frustrating if you simply don’t fit into one. Yet trying to find a group of people you do fit in with, can usually result in meeting people who probably strangled small animals as a child.
4. Jimi Hendrix deceased, drugs. Janis Joplin deceased, alcohol. Mama Cass deceased, ham sandwich…
Most club DJ’s seem to forget any music existed between 2000 and 6 months ago and before 1990 and unless you ask for it, the brilliant music from the past is completely passed over for the mind-numbing tunes that you’re not entirely sure where one ends and the next begins because of the same beat traversing through the tracks. Not every gay person enjoys the same music, and even the most dedicated of club goers can get bored by the same tracks being played week in week out
5. Nissed as a pewt…
With the way most jobs are these days, shift work causes a natural tendency to go out and get absolutely wrecked on alcohol. I don’t just mean louder and not caring how you look on the dance floor drunk, I’m talking as drunk as possible before passing out. And this can lead to many unfortunate accidents and waking up next to the creature from the black lagoon. Find your limit of where you’re still an acceptable human being to be around and bloody stick it.
6. We’ve got one night only…
Let’s face it, the gay club scene is usually not where you’re going to find the love of your life. But most people seem to expect it and this leads to disappointment that Prince Charming didn’t come in on a white horse and sing at you. But it is disheartening when the most you can usually expect is a fumble behind a skip
7. Calm down Beyonce…
We’ve all seen them, and we’ve all been on the receiving end of them. The diva queens who insist they are the dog’s proverbials. Strutting around like the world owes them something, pushing in at the bar because they think they should be served first, but as soon as you call them out on it, it’s like you’ve somehow insulted THEM and aren’t bowing down to their sense of entitlement.
8. No, no, you said it. It’s out in the open. We have to live with it now…
The girl that guy is trying to get with goes to a club with her best gay friends, he tags along, and then acts surprised by the fact he’s in a gay club. Then the questions start… the endless questions and the protestations of: “no I’m fine with gay guys, just don’t come on to me”
Consider it flattery, just say you’re straight and move on. Don’t act offended, you’re in a flipping gay club with men who are attracted to men.
9. A dog’s not just for life, it’s for Christmas…
The girls who are on the lookout for a new “pet gay” Their old one has moved on, or got into a relationship and these girls are on the shop. While it’s always nice to make new friends, we certainly aren’t looking for someone who only wants a gay friend as some kind of fashion accessory and to boast to their lady friends. We also shouldn’t be used by these female strangers as a way for them to call judgement on and or pull the tall guy we fancy ourselves, and no I won’t come shopping with you tomorrow.
10. My god, it’ll be beautiful…
When your local club announces it’s going to have a “refurbishment” and closes down sections for weeks with endless announcements of the re-opening with all the special promotions that go with it. You gussy yourself up, get all your friends out. Have a few pre-drinks, because those club drinks don’t come cheap. You queue outside anxiously waiting for this little slice of gay heaven to open it’s doors. You go in with sparkles and rainbows in your eyes to be greeted with a new mirror ball, a smoke machine that fails after an hour and the walls being painted blue. Oh the humanity!
