Author: Al Jennings

COMMENT | What is ‘queer theory’ and why are people using it to become problematic?

Until a rather problematic article by Conservative Women writer, Caroline Ffiske appeared online recently, I must admit that I wasn’t very educated on the idea of “Queer Theory”. But apparently, it’s something that we all should familiarise ourselves with because we need to protect our children from it.

Here we go again. Another homophobic article wrote by a privileged white person who really doesn’t have a fucking clue what they’re talking about.

So, what exactly is “Queer Theory”. Well, according to Ffiske is it based on the 1960’s neo-Marxist idea that our sexual acts and sexual identities are ‘socially constructed’. Apparently, the focus of ‘queer theory’ is all about the personal and the private and what people deem as normal can be challenged as so form of social construct and that basically what goes on in the bedroom should stay in the bedroom and not be brought out into the light of day. The article then goes on to suggest that sex should remain as an “extraordinarily intimate act which touches our soul and goes to the heart of our human experience”. Clearly, she’s never had a one-night stand. Ffiske also goes on to imply that we are normalising and encouraging sex among teenagers.

Let’s be very clear about this. Teenagers are going to have sex. They are going to have straight sex, gay-sex, threesomes, oral sex, anal sex because that’s what teenagers do. It’s not about normalising it; it’s a fact of life. I remember being a horny teenager and wanting to bone everything that was on two legs. Well, within reason. But isn’t your teenage years and your early adult years all about – experimenting? It’s about finding what you like and what you look for in a sexual partner. Your teenage years are about discovering who you are as a person. For some, that is quite straightforward, but for others, it’s a struggle. You grow into yourself as a person and sometimes that doesn’t fit with social stereotypes. Surely, we should be encouraging this exploration. We should encourage conversations for teenagers because that’s how we learn and break down social stigmas and prejudice.

Laying the blame for sexual exploration at the door of the gays

What Ffiske is actually doing, and probably doesn’t realise it, is laying the blame for encouraging sexual exploration at the door of the gays. Whilst it might be true that gay men can be very promiscuous and have multiple sexual partners during their life, it’s not fair to blame it on them. Historically, the queer theory was born out of a movement of living your life as the way you fit and how you want to. It’s about how you want to identify and isn’t having the choice to do that is the best thing for us to have in society. If you want to identify as a man or a woman or be trans, you’ve got that choice, because you have been struggling with the thoughts inside your head as a kid. It’s not been pushed on you, and the media don’t push it on anyone. It’s about education and allowing conversations to happen. Just because you don’t fit into a box, it doesn’t mean you are a freak and should be banished to an island. You should be allowed to live your own life as you want to. Bollocks to anyone else.

Ffiske talks about sex, and specifically anal sex as being degrading. She says that “young women feel that they do want to take their virginity seriously and that their psychological well-being is at stake if they are encouraged not to do so”. Let’s look at this in the broader sense. The first time for anyone is going to be something that you remember because let’s be honest – it’s never the best. It’s often clumsy, clunky and extremely uncomfortable, but it’s a part of life. I’m not saying that people don’t take that decision lightly to become sexually active, but it’s not always as black and white as that. Teenagers are hormonal, they are going to have curiosities about sex. Isn’t it more dangerous not to educate them about it? Let’s look at teenage pregnancy in the states, for example, a study in 2019 by the American Journey of Public Health showed that in states where sex education is more abstinence-based, the education actually contributed to an increase in teenage pregnancies.

Surely if we are not having more open conversations about safe, consensual sex then we’re doing the younger generation a disservice.

The problem isn’t about over sexualising teenagers. The problem is really that people think they have a right to dictate and decide what’s best of other people when they have really not got a clue about what they might be going through. The ones that that feel threatened by queer theory are those that have absolutely no idea about what being different or being queer is all about. It’s not a walk in the park. It’s often a long dark road with bumps and kinks in it. Discovering where you fit into society. How you are accepted by society and what prejudices you’re gonna encounter.

I want to side-step for just a second because I think this is important. It’s not just queer equality that is under threat from the right-wing. But equality as a whole is under threat when there are MPs in parliament like Ben Bradley who is calling on more rights for white straight men because he thinks that they are underrepresented. In a speech in the House of Commons this week; Bradley stood up, and with a very straight face, went on to moan that there is a minister for women but not men, complained about more women than men in higher education, and mourned the death of “banter”. He said that; “men are often talked about, all too often, as a problem that must be rectified”. Oh, Ben. Going on to then condemn the Equality Act as being “willfully and regularly misapplied across gender, race, and every other characteristic”. Asserting the importance of “holding the door open for a lady”, expecting a man to “provide for his family”, and “wanting to be a man’s man” who goes “down to the football at the weekend” and has “some banter with the lads”. Bradley then complained; “that banter is now bullying”.

There is nothing that riles me more than a straight white man complaining that they aren’t represented.

He’s clearly never experienced prejudice for being a straight white man. Bradley also went to say that he wants “straight equally protected as gay”. Can someone enlighten me, in how many countries you can be executed or imprisoned for being straight? Or how many victims there are of anti-straight hate crimes in the UK? Not surprisingly, the government have also ended funding aimed at reducing homophobic bullying of LGBT+ students in schools in England, just as new research by the Diversity Role Models (DRM) shows that just 27% of students think that their school is a safe space for classmates to be themselves. Leading LGBT+ charity Stonewall has started a new hashtag initiative allowing members of the community to tell people about their experiences at school. Have a read through some of the stories using hashtag #LGBTatSchool.

Back to queer theory though, Fiske’s article finishes with a quote from Oscar Wilde saying, “we are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars”. She thinks that Queer Theory is pulling us all into the gutter and diminishing rather than dignifying. Well, if we’re in the gutter, then the gutter to me is pretty fabulous. Come join us here – because we are living our best lives. But more importantly, take some time to educate yourself. It’s all very well to sit and say that you should do this, or you shouldn’t do that, but that’s not for us to decide – it’s up to the young person

I’ve said this so many times now, but I just keep coming back to it. Education is the power to change. Educate our young people that there are different types of families. Educate our kids on the importance of safe sex. Encourage conversations between youngsters. Let them make the decisions that they want to make, but make sure they are given the facts. Not what you think is right. And if you feel threatened by queer theory, don’t just blast it as not the normal thing. Take some time to research about that being queer in 2020 is like and what queer relationships genuinely look like. You never know; you might learn something. It’s not about being a snowflake or being ‘woke’ but it’s about teaching our young people that equality a right – not a privilege.

27th November 2020
5 things you need to know about fuckboys

Okay. Show of hands. Who’s had the experience of dating a fuckboy? We all know them! It’s that guy. You know; you know, the one who doesn’t respect you but relies on you all the time. He’s distant. He doesn’t care about your time. He won’t commit. He’s self-absorbed, does stupid things and fucks with other’s emotions. I feel like the majority of the guys I’ve been with or had any form of chemistry with have been fuckboys and it’s had a bit of a negative impact on my dating life, or actually, lack off. I’ve been used so many times by fuckboys that it’s become the norm for me to keep going back to them.

How do you spot a fuckboy?

Beware the fuckboy

It would be easy if they walked around with a sign above their head saying “Avoid like COVID. I’m gonna text you once in three months, then you’re gonna come over and give me the best head ever”.

Alas, life isn’t all black and white.

It was a while before I experienced a true fuckboy. I don’t have any contact with him now, only maybe when I’m a little bit tipsy and I might slide into his DM’s. I’ve met a few since then and developed a keen eye to spot them. So, here are my tips for spotting the fuckboys.

They will do or say anything to have sex

(C) BIGSTOCK

This is the first big red flag. There’s no romance involved. A true fuckboy will literally do or say anything to get you into bed. These include flattery, gaslighting and grovelling. Nothing is too low for them to try. The worst thing though is that they will do all this whilst actually do the bare minimum whilst doing it. They want to do it all on their terms. They will decide it, they will just sit there and let you crack on. Don’t forget; they don’t call them jobs for nothing.

They’ll hang out with a lot of men

Now, this might seem trivial; but they’ll always have a number of guys on the go at the same times. If they’re not committing; it’s probably because they’re playing the field and shagging a couple of blokes at the same time. They like to have options. They want to know that there are people around them that they could have sex with if they wanted it; and well, we all know gay men. They’re randy little blighters and probably be boning a different guy every night.

They’ll always be a little fragile

If you tell them you can’t hang out tonight – you’ve just caused world war three. They’ll barrage you with texts about how flakey you are, or you’ll get a torrent of abuse and probably turn it round and accuse you of being a fuckboy. You can’t hold them accountable either; they don’t like that one little bit. Fuckboys are unable to accept any form of responsibilty for their poor behaviour.

You can’t change a fuckboy

CREDIT: © oneinchpunch Depositphotos

Don’t even start. They won’t change because they do not want to. They will do what they want to do because their world revolves completely around them. They do not care about anyone else but themselves. THEY ARE USERS.

Fuckboys aren’t nasty, horrible, people

They just don’t know how to have serious, mature relationships. You should pity them; and get rid of them. It might be hard at the start, but it’s gonna be better for you in the long run. You’re gonna be a stronger person for it. If you recognise some of this behaviour then congratulations; you’ve admitted it. Now you can start some make some changes in your life. Most fuckboys would never acknowledge it, so the fact you actually have, means you have the possibility to change.

The sad thing is that; fuckboys are out there, and you need to be aware. Also remember, that there are decent guys out who aren’t like that all; and that’s something that we all should covet.

We are worth more. Remind yourself that.

22nd November 2020
Bops for Bottoms – 5 songs to get things moving in the bedroom

I love a good playlist; I’ve got one for every occasion. Whether I want to get hot and sweaty in the gym or need something to get me through the commute to the office. My favourite, and most exciting, is the one I’ve got going on for the bedroom. Either your gonna be turned off right now, or incredibly turned on.

Does your bone-ing session really need to be soundtracked? No, but it can help. There have been various studies that prove that sex and music really do go well together, and surprisingly it has a lot to do with science. Neurophysiologist Dr Rhonda Freeman says that “music is likely to affect three regions of the brain – the reward or pleasure system, the social affliction or bonding system, and the limbic system (which processes emotions)”.

So now we understand and are on the same page; here are my five essential picks to include in your next bedroom gymnastics session.

Britney Spears – “Breathe on Me”

This ‘In the Zone‘ deep cut is the perfect place to start. By 2003, Britney was becoming a full-on sexual seductress; and “Breathe on Me” is the perfect place to start. Turn the lights down low, let the pulsating beat take over and let your imagination run wild. This is the ideal song to get things hot and sweaty, foreplay is the place to start and with this little piece of pop-heaven, you’re guaranteed to get your man ready to bone within seconds. Listen to the lyrics and Britney will tell you exactly what to do; it’s as easy as riding a bike; “Monogamy is the way to go / Just put your lips together and blow”.

Kylie Minogue – “Slow”

“Read my body language” indeed. This synth-led sex bop is another great song to get you and your partner in the mood. This song gives you a little bit of time to breathe before the boning really gets going. Continue on with the foreplay and let the music guide you and your partner into the bedroom, slowly undressing as you make yourselves comfortable. Maybe use this to give your partner a sexy dance to help him get in the mood? Allow each other to explore your bodies. For the ultimate experience, I would opt for the Extended Mix which is bound to get you all hot under the collar.

Beyonce – “Crazy in Love”

We’re talking about the “Fifty Shades of Grey” version here. Although, if your in the mood to power bottom you could try the original version. This sultry reinterpretation of the dancefloor classic is going to get things moving a bit quicker, it’s the ideal song to experiment and get down and dirty too, whilst still giving a sensual edge. This is on my playlist a couple of times, because it just gets me going everytime.

Ariana Grande – “Side to Side”

Now we’re into balls to the wall, bone-ing territory. There are many Ariana Grande songs that you could use, but I always find “Side to Side” to be the one. Use the beat to get yourselves going and relax into it. it’s always best when both parties are relaxed, and things can progress naturally, the increase in tempo during the Minaj-Rap is perfect to intensify things, and any good bottom will be able to use moan those adlibs.

Josef Salvat – “in the afternoon”

This isn’t an obvious choice for many, but Salvat’s dulcet tones do many things to me. It’s the perfect post bonk comedown track. When your both depleted, it’s relaxing track which you can snuggle together and mellow in. “in the afternoon” is a bop and a half, that can spur on round two if you’re feeling that way inclined.

Obviously, these are just a selection of songs that you can use on your playlist, and there are many others. If you’re going to do this, then don’t just use a Spotify playlist that’s already been done, take some time to create your own and find stuff that you are into or your partner is into. It doesn’t have to be a marathon 10-hour playlist, 10/15 tracks that get you going is just fine, and don’t be afraid to experiment.

Remember, the best sex is where both parties are enjoying themselves, some people don’t enjoy sex to music, but it’s a conversation worth having and maybe you could create it together.

Happy bone-ing!

15th November 2020
MUSIC REVIEW | DISCO – Unashamed, Pure Unadulterated Joy from start to finish!

Rating: 4 out of 5.

Kylie Minogue has always been an enigma. From her PWL days to the Deconstruction Indie-Kylie era, right through to 2018’s country-themed “Golden”. The pop-stalwart has always endeared the public with her creative talents and in a world when we are unable to go to the local discothèque and dance until dawn; it seems odd for the undisputed Queen of Pop to release a collection of dancefloor bangers, but in these times it has been more than welcome.

Kylie is no stranger to the dancefloor, it’s been a recurring theme over the last 20 years of her career, but DISCO is the first time that she’s really gone balls to the wall hi-NRG. DISCO is relentless. From the slinky smooth staccato keys of “Magic” and the unifying message of DISCO’s lead single; “Say Something”; where Minogue asks; “Can we all be as one again”. DISCO proves that the only place we need to be when we’re allowed is the dancefloor and DISCO drips with future dancefloor bangers.

Looking back on the various stages of disco, and reinventing in them for today, DISCO is the perfect tonic to these troubled times. Songs like “Dance Floor Darling” fuses the eighties inspired power chords and an incredibly modern, fresh production, and a “Your Disco Needs You”-inspired spoken word section. The vocoder gets some use on “Supernova”; a relentless nod back to her Light Years album, coupled with some Moroder inspired beats. The albums closer “Celebrate You” is life-affirming, arms up in the air concert closer in the making, and when the time comes for Minogue to tour the album we are going to be in for a real treat. Other highlights of the record include the Donna Summer inspired “Where Does the DJ Go?” and the ABBA influenced “Last Chance” with a chorus that resembles “Voulez-Vous”.

Whilst nothing on the album reaches the high camp, dizzying heights of “Your Disco Needs You”, DISCO has some brilliant songs. Lyrically it sometimes veers off into parody, however, it’s forgiven because everything comes across as so joyous and warm. You cannot help but smile when listening to this record, and this is the perfect tonic for what looks like it might be a long and dark winter. You can say what you want about Kylie, but DISCO cements her as the queen of the Disco and she has returned to wrap her arms around every one of us.

Available to buy or steam now

6th November 2020
COMMENT | You can’t fix stupid; but we can hold ourselves accountable for our actions!

Well hello there! It’s nice to see you again. I must start this column with an apology. I’ve been in a bit of a strange rut over the last few weeks and I’ve not really wanted to write as much as I have been doing over the last few months. I guess I’ve had a bit of writer’s block. I’ve had ideas of what I want to write, but every time I’ve sat down to do it, I’ve come to a bit of standstill. I must do better – urgh, that sounds like a school report from when I was younger; “Al is well-liked and a big personality in the classroom, but when it comes to academics – he must do better”, and you know what, they were right. I must do better. I’ve always got some cock and bull scheme on the back burner or in the back of mind, and I always say I’m going to do something, and it never happens. It’s become a bit of a running joke with me. I need to do something to hold myself accountable for my actions and what I say.

I had big dreams for 2020. Like many others, I had some many plans for this year and like most, they’re not turning out the way I planned. Admittedly, there have been some outside influences that have caused this. I had plans to move to Manchester in May 2020, and well, Miss Rona had other plans. But as we see light at the end of the tunnel, I guess its now time to start re-evaluating what I want from life and whether it still is what I want from my life. It is. I spent a few days over there in September and had the best time catching up with old friends, making new friends and discovering just how much of an incredible city it is.

“Why Manchester?”; you may ask – why not? There is something really special about it for me. It reminds me a lot of London. A multi-cultural, inclusive and accepting hub of excitement. There is always something going on and always something new to explore. I mean, don’t get me wrong, Leeds is great, but after a while of living life there, it became monotonous. It’s the same bars, with the same people in the same order as last Saturday night. It’s predictable. We know that we’re going to start in Queens Court, and we all know that we’re going up doing slut-drops in the Viaduct Showbar. It’s not just about the drinking and the scene for me; I just think I’ve got a better chance of reinventing myself over there. I don’t have the emotional baggage that I do in somewhere like Leeds or London.

Maybe I’ve been watching too many episodes of the Real Housewives of Cheshire whilst being in lockdown? OK. I just want to be best friends with Dawn Ward and Seema Malhotra. A gay can dream, right? I may joke about it, but actually; some of these Reality TV Stars can be great role models, because they prove that if you work hard, then you can have it all. You can achieve your goals. Having it all doesn’t mean having to sacrifice something else to get it. I don’t necessarily want to be a Housewife of Cheshire, although I would make a great one. I want to have an identity and a legacy.

I want to go back to accountability. How do we keep ourselves accountable? Everyone is accountable in our jobs. I’m accountable for the words that I write, and the opinions that I voice in these columns. Ultimately, I think accountability is much more than just admitting to ourselves when we’ve made a mistake. That’s quite a narrow-minded perception of it, I think. True accountability is owning everything that happens in your life. it means that you are responsible for your attitude, actions, relationships and communications. It also means that you inevitably hold other people to account for their actions.

This doesn’t always work in your favour, as I’ve come to realise. You can’t hold other people accountable for their actions if they don’t want to. Sometimes, it’s not always a two-way street, and I’m now at the age where I want to be more selective who I want to associate with. If you can’t hold yourself accountable for your actions, then I’m not going to waste myself holding you to account.

If you don’t understand what true accountability is, then we risk missing the point altogether and shaming each other for our actions. Whether that’s a choice of who we date, sleep with or choose to associate with. How we look? How we present ourselves to the outside world. As a community, we are far too quick to pass judgement on other people. When we think we are holding other people to account, what we are sometimes doing is shaming them. If we’re holding ourselves to account, then we shouldn’t have time to try and do that to other people. People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.

“Take five minutes of your day today to think about what you want to achieve, how you are going to achieve it and how are we going to measure that success“

We can’t change the world on our own, and quite simply, some people don’t want to be helped. So – let’s just take a step back and focus on ourselves. Take five minutes of your day today to think about what you want to achieve, how you are going to achieve it and how are we going to measure that success.

I’ve three things that I want to do in the next few months. I want to lose some more weight, I’ve lost 5 stone since Christmas already, but I want to lose a little bit more. I know I’m never going to have the perfect body or a six-pack, but I want to feel more confident in my own body. I want to flirt with a handsome guy in a bar, and him not to take pity on me for being a bigger size and flirt back. I need to give up the cigarettes. It’s the one thing I’ve been saying I want to do for years, but I’ve been very successful with it. I know that If I do then it’s going to help with the weight loss, and the third objective – the big move to Manchester. If I don’t escape Leeds then I think I might go insane. I yearn for independence again and being in charge of my own life.

These things are what I’m using to hold myself accountable because these are three of the main things that only I can do. I can’t make someone else quit smoking for me, although that would be pretty nice actually! I’ve started posting more pictures of my Instagram account to show my journey. It reminds me then how much I’ve changed the way I look over the last twelve months. I won’t be postings thirst traps anytime soon though boys. I mean, yes, 2020 has been shit for everybody, but that’s no reason for us to put our personal development on hold. We’ve all got to develop and grow, so let’s do it more positively.

Having it all isn’t easy, but anything is possible if you are prepared to work for it.

Now; where did I put those emergency cigs?

18th October 2020
COMMENT | Are you really an ally?; “It’s become clear that passive acceptance of the LGBT+ community is very different from being an active ally who fights to support LGBT+ inclusion”

I think I’ve been rather lucky in my 28 years on this planet, that I have surrounded myself by decent people and I’ve been lucky to know a lot of people that consider themselves to be “allies” of the gay LGBTQ+ community. It isn’t a bad thing by any means – I spend 90 per cent of my time around straight people. I work in a very straight environment and the lockdown has meant that I haven’t spent much time on the scene.

The term “Ally” gets banded about quite a lot in modern society. It’s a term that can be used to describe many different kinds of relationships. Whether these are business relationships. Countries are geopolitical allies. Even enemies can become allies in the face of a common goal. Today; it’s used to describe somebody who supports a group that they are not a part of.

The gay community has had several significant allies over the decades since the Stonewall Riots. From celebrities to politicians. From Karen next door to your third cousin who you’ve not seen since you were a child; but it’s become clear that passive acceptance of the LGBT+ community is very different to being an active ally who fights to support LGBT+ inclusion.

However, in 2020, it seems that our allies in government are becoming few and far between and that is a worrying thing. There are two things that I cannot abide in this world. Hypocrites and Members of the Conservative Party. Unfortunately, these things seem to go together. Allow me to get political for just a few minutes if you will.

Case in point; Matt Hancock. Early this week, our Health Secretary, who has done a shambolic job at protecting this country from the COVID pandemic, was asked by Kay Burley about whether Tony Abbott, ex-Australian Prime Minister and the man who was tipped for the top job at negotiating post-Brexit trade deals and his views about women, the LGBTQ+ community and the elderly was an appropriate person to represent us on the world stage. During this extremely awkward exchange, Hancock seemingly excused Abbot’s comments because he is an “expert on trade”. Oh, dear.

Hancock argued at first that he didn’t think that Abbot was a homophobe or a misogynist by saying, “I don’t believe that is true, I haven’t seen any of his (comments)”. Burley, as sharp as ever, fired back “I just told you what he said, I’m sure you don’t support some of his comments, he’s a homophobe and a misogynist”. Hancock’s response was “He’s also an expert in trade”. I mean – come on. You claim to by an ally to the gay community. You wear an NHS Pride Pin on your lapel, and you are still defending someone because “he’s an expert on trade”. The two things don’t go together. It’s like saying that Harold Shipman was a serial killer, but he was an excellent doctor. By not condemning Abbot for his views, then he is endorsing them. He’s also saying that women and the LGBTQ+ community are less valued than trade negotiations.

Hancock isn’t the only hypocrite in government. Our supposed Prime Minister and I use the word supposed because it’s clear that Dominic Cummings is running the country, after all; why didn’t Cummings get fired for breaking lockdown rules to travel 240 miles to test his eyesight at Barnard Castle? I’m being pedantic, but it’s a fair point to make. We are sacrificed so much for 3 months. We put our lives on hold, but he was given a free pass because it was; “The right thing to do”.

Then there’s Boris. Oh Boris. Boris Johnson has a long record of controversial comments about women, gay people and ethnic minorities. He is the man who has refused to apologise for calling gay men “tank-topped bum boys”, compared Muslim women to “letterboxes” and labelling black Africans “Picanninnines” with “watermelon smiles”. All quotes from Boris himself. He’s said that they were satirical or taken out of context – but should this be an excuse? – no, because he has chosen to use that language.

We’ve got Liz Truss, Minister for Women and Equalities, trying to roll back rights for Trans people by making things harder to transition, and protecting safe spaces for women. Cabinet members like Pritti Patel, who actively voted against gay marriage. These people may say that they are our “Allies”, but they are far from it – and it is a scary place to be for the LGBTQ+ community. Remember, that we are not even 20 years out of Section 28, and there is every chance that something like that could be brought back. Oh, and that ban on conversion therapy – we’re still waiting. If you are curious as to how your MP voted on social issues, there is a great website which shows you exactly who vote for what. It’s there in black and white. Either they vote against, or even worse – “we’re not present”. It’s a kick in the teeth.

Those of us that call out hypocrisy or call out social injustice are often demonised as “woke”. The work “woke” actually means that you are aware of social issues and calling them out; but the right wing has demonised the word and, like the term “Politically Correct”, it now means the complete opposite. Criticising woke culture is actually just another way of the right playing the victim card, rather than actually acknowledging the bigger picture and attempting to make a change. The funny thing is though, when those that complain and attack us, when they are challenged on why they feel that way, they don’t actually have a cohesive argument. They rely on a feeling or something that isn’t tangible. To me, it’s not about left or right, being woke or whatever. It’s about common decency to each other.

Somebody I follow on Twitter posted the following statement and it sums up our government perfectly; “The test of being an #LGBTQI ally isn’t whether you’ll add rainbow colours to your logo in June. The test is, will you stand up for us when we are attacked? Will you distance yourself from those who demean us? Will, you still be our ally when it’s no longer convenient” – and that says it all. The Government clearly do not care about the LGBT community, and we are at a greater risk of having our rights revoked, this means we have to fight and shout louder that we are here, and we deserve to have the same rights as straight people.

The test of being an #LGBTQI ally isn’t whether you’ll add rainbow colours to your logo in June.
The test is, will you stand up for us when we are attacked?
Will you distance yourself from those who demean us?
Will you still be our ally when it’s no longer convenient? pic.twitter.com/Vv4rpfC4kd
— Matthew Hodson (@Matthew_Hodson) September 3, 2020

The test of being an #LGBTQI ally isn’t whether you’ll add rainbow colours to your logo in June. The test is, will you stand up for us when we are attacked? Will you distance yourself from those who demean us? Will, you still be our ally when it’s no longer convenient”
MATTHEW HODSON

Views like Abbott’s, and those who wish to demean and defame the LGBTQ+ community should be challenged, because we do not deserve to be second class citizens to others. It’s easy to say that you support the LGBTQ+ community because you like to go to gay bars, or you love watching RuPauls Drag Race. But when the chips are down, will you there to support us in our time of need?

When our government consider bringing back Section 28. When same-sex marriages are no longer allowed because they are not traditional. Or when Trans women are forced to use men’s bathrooms, because they are not seen as women. It’s then you will prove yourself as an ally.

We may need you soon as you think. When the UK finally transitions out of the EU on New Year’s Eve, the UK will no longer be bound to EU laws such as the European Charter that bans discrimination on the grounds of sexual orientation.

Our true allies are those who are challenging them and continue to challenge because, in the end, that’s how we educate future generations. It’s not that we’re some left-wing, woke-community. We just want what we deserve; acceptance and equality.

6th September 2020
COMMENT | I like “Dancing on My Own”; some people are taken aback by that

“I’m giving it my all, but I’m not the guy your taking home – I keep dancing on my own”.

This article serves two purposes. It’s both a reflection on one of the greatest pop songs ever written and a larger, more encompassing commentary about independence and quite literally dancing on my own.

The song, “Dancing on My Own” is quite simply an inherently sad, gay disco anthem – or as I like to call them, a Sad Banger. Written for Swedish songstress Robyn for her 2010 album Body Talk, the anthem features hammer drill throbbing synths and electronic percussion whilst incorporating elements of electro and disco. It can be more easily described as a heartbreak anthem. Its lyrics speak of a person who is alone in a club watching their ex-lover, or someone that they are in love with kissing, or getting with another person – relatable – we’ve all been through that.

MTV News journalist James Montgomery noted the “thoroughly sad song talks about Robyn losing her man to another woman, but also about the notion of feeling alone in a crowded room, of being lost and unloved and having no choice but to be okay with these things”. It’s the second half of the statement that I wanted to look at a little bit further. Unlike some of Robyn’s Sad-Bangers, “Dancing on My Own” offers the listener very little hope of things ever getting better. You could say that “With Every Heartbeat”, offers a faint little bit of grim optimism to the listener – “Dancing on My Own” offers none of it, thus reflecting the stark reality of relationships and life that we don’t always get what we want.

More recently Robyn has gone on to elaborate on the theme of the lyric further by saying; “People have so many expectations when they go out, so many wishes about what their night is going to be: if they are going to meet that person, have a fun time with their friends, have a good high, hear good music”. Isn’t this what going out is all about for most people – as people, we long for interaction with other people. For those that are single, it’s the best opportunity to meet someone and develop a real connection of personality – something that in the age of Grindr and Tinder you scarcely find. Robyn then goes on to say; “People get drunk and turn into themselves in away, and they go experience some kind of emotion. But it’s not always about fun. There’s a destructive side to it.”

I think we can all relate to this last statement. Well, I don’t know about you, but I can. For me, at the end of a long week, going out dancing is a great way to unwind and let my hair down. I look forward to my Saturday nights in the Viaduct Showbar, one of the bars on the Leeds Gay Scene, throwing a few shapes on the dancefloor, whether that being with a few friends, or just by myself. Yeah, I go out by myself. A lot of people might be taken aback by that. I enjoy being independent and for me, this is an extension of my personality. I just cannot refuse the sound of a four-on-the-floor disco beat. Does that make me weird for going clubbing by myself? Is it something you should do with your friends? I must admit that I’ve had some strange looks and comments for going out by myself. I probably come off as a loner. People are probably right for assuming that. I’m incredibly independent, and I have been for a long time. It stems from growing up from feeling a little bit left out from life, friendship groups and events – it’s a reaction to being ostracised by people for who I am.

To me, it’s a sign of defiance that I’m not going to conform to what your opinion thinks, and what society thinks – it’s a bit of a fuck you really isn’t it?

I’m a very independent person, and I think that sometimes can be both a blessing and a curse. I’m perfectly happy with being by myself ninety per cent of the time. It means I can look after, and take care of myself, but it also means that I’m not that great at asking for help – which I can completely agree with. I don’t like to ask for help, whether that’s with work, or in my personal life. I have an attitude about me that things don’t keep me down for long and I can bounce back from setbacks pretty quickly, I also struggle to see my weaknesses sometimes. I think it also makes a kinder person because if we use our independence the right way, we can ensure that our lives are taken care off, and extend that further the wide community – but ultimately the problem with being so independent is that it will only reach myself. It doesn’t go very much further than that. They often say that there is a power within a partnership, and I agree with that.

If you’ve been as independent as I’ve been for so long, you struggle to let people in. It’s difficult to incorporate other people in your life, and relinquish some of the control, because you’re scared, and there is a niggling feeling at the back of your mind that you are ultimately going to be let down. But, we’re not made for doing life by ourselves, and I’m realising that that now as I hurtle towards my thirties. Our greatest strength lies in partnering with others and doing it as a team.

The destructive side comes with the alcohol I guess.

It’s widely regarded that increasing alcohol consumption leads to a negative impact on mental health. Alcohol can be linked to people becoming aggressive, anxious or depressed when they’re drunk. There has been a number of occasions where I’ll admit I’ve had a bit too much to drink and it’s lead to me feeling depressed, worthless and other feelings of pain, that we try to mask in our day to day lives – it brings things back to the surface. Alcohol goes one of two ways for me – I either become a very lovable drunk, or I go a bit crazy, often ending up sat on the floor somewhere, an emotional wreck, having to be put into a taxi by a friend, or bouncer.

I guess that’s why myself and so many people can relate to “Dancing on My Own”. The lyrics are universal. How many times have you been on the dancefloor of a club dancing with a guy and flirting with them, only for a few minutes later you turn around and see them with their tongue down someone else’s throat? I remember this oh so very clearly. I remember being out with a friend not so long ago, who I had a bit a crush on. We had a few drinks before going to a club. We were flirting, all very lovely. I remember going to the bar in this club and turning around and seeing this bloke on the dancefloor with his arms around another woman making out on the dancefloor. My heart sank for a minute.

It was like a gut punch to the stomach.

Your brain will then go on to analyse every word, every communication you’ve ever had with that person within the next thirty seconds. What do I do now? Do I leave? Do I go back up to them and break it up? Do I get back at them by flirting with someone else to spite them? Ultimately, it’s the understanding that you’re not going to be the person he takes home that night. You’ve given it your all to get the man – but it’s just not going to happen – maybe he’s just not that into you – and it’s okay.

Like Robyn sings in the chorus; “I’m right over here – why can’t you see me?” – sometimes you’re crying out for somebody to notice you and give you that boost of self-confidence you crave. But such as life, you can’t always get what you want – and then you just keep dancing – stuck in a never-ending loop until you find what you’re looking for. Ultimately, you accept this as par for the course, and you learn to deal with it in your own way – whether that ends up with a booty call, or a Grindr hook up at some ungodly hour of the night – but the pain doesn’t go away. You’ll remember that gut punch for the rest of your life, and whilst being single you’ll constantly be reminded of that. It’s not a one-off feeling I can guarantee you. You will feel it every time you go out as a singleton. You will be through this every single Saturday night until you meet the one.

As much as “Dancing on My Own” is both painful and true to life at the same time – there is something very therapeutic about singing that chorus as loud as you possibly can be surrounded by hundreds of other people. It’s a song that everyone will sing along with because everybody’s been through the exact same situation. It’s a universal message that nobody is averse to. It’s a massive fuck you to everybody that has made you feel inferior, hurt you, or even broken your heart. Remember that the next time you listen to it – or hear on a crowded dancefloor whenever we are allowed to. Turn the lyrics on its head and think of it as an anthem of empowerment and let the power of music help you through the hard times.

23rd August 2020
COMMENT | Returning to the Scene of the Crime; why Two-Night Stands aren’t a good idea.

A one-night stand is supposed to be just that. One night. One night of half-decent sex with a guy who disappears into the night never to be seen again. I’ve never been a massive fan of the one-night stands; however, over the last couple of years, I’ve had a couple of outstanding ones where I’ve kind of wished it could happen again. You know; the kind of sex that you would rate at least an 8/10. On the flip side though, there’s been a couple which hasn’t been particularly exciting or rememberable. It’s actually these that you remember more; but they’re all for the wrong reasons.

The first guy on paper was right up my street. Cocky, confident, good kisser and had Geordie accent. The foreplay was excellent; he knew just exactly how to get me going; that was until it came to the deed. I’m by no means a power-bottom, however, I know how to be a good bottom, but if you’ve got a top that doesn’t know what they’re doing, then you’re in a situation that will probably end badly. This guy has watched too much hardcore porn and just attempted to shove it in there. No lube. Just strapped up and went in there. Come on. If you’re going to do it, at least do it properly. Safe to say that it was extremely uncomfortable, and I made him stop until he had lubed up. If it’s going to be successful, then both muscles need to be lubed up properly. These millennial bulls. Young, dumb and well. Attempt number two was no better. I’ll give him credit; he knew how to get me going. That Geordie accent turned me on, and he made the sexiest faces. He even remembered a few of my kinks, which he was more than happy to do.

The second guy, I don’t know really why I went there for a second time. The first one wasn’t all that great. He couldn’t keep it up, and he wanted to make it all about me. I’m not like that at all. I’m that self-conscious about myself I would rather spend the time pleasuring the other guy and making him feel good – I’m good at that. He didn’t kiss or do anything remotely resembling foreplay, and then to top he expected me to top him then. Oh, dear. This wasn’t thought through properly. Again, on paper, he was my type, but when push came to shove it just didn’t work.

I usually don’t go back to the scene of the crime more than once, but I thought well maybe they might have changed. How wrong I was. They say a leopard never changes their spots and you really can’t polish a turd.

Fuck me badly once, shame on you – fuck me badly twice then shame on me. As I said before, I guess I went into the second hook up with a thought that they might be different, and they might have stepped up their game. Oh, how very naïve of me. I often wonder why I went there again. Was it convenience?

I’m not stupid. I know that not every guy that I meet is going to be a perfect match in the bedroom, and you’re going to meet guys who aren’t quite the right fit, and I’ve accepted that as par for the course. Maybe I’ve become so dependent on casual sex and the need to have some fulfilment; I’ll get anything that I can regardless of who it is. I used to frequent the saunas when they were open after a few drinks, and the horn is particularly strong. I’ve met some great guys in them and had some great times. I must be some kind of masochist to go back to the scene of the crime on more than one occasion.

I didn’t used to be like that at all. Sex used to scare the shit out of me, and I guess it all stems back to my first time. Everyone can remember their first time, right? I certainly do. They say that your first time I always the worst – well you weren’t wrong there.

I remember it like it was yesterday. It was a May bank holiday and I made sure he knew it was my first time and I just really wanted to experiment and see what happens. He was also a lot older than me – he was in his late 30s – maybe early 40s. I was as nervous as hell. What I didn’t know that he was hung like a horse – and there was a lot of girth. I mean a lot. It was like a wall of flesh. I remember going down on him, and I didn’t know what to do at all. I’d only seen someone give head from porn – and that was always so rough and so I kind of thought well that must be what you do – so that’s what I did. Yeah. That wasn’t what you’re supposed to do. Well, not at first anyway. I won’t go into the full details – but I think it’s safe to say it wasn’t a great experience. I remember thinking at the time – well if that’s sex, then I don’t want to ever go through that again!

So, I didn’t for a long time after that; I didn’t have any form of sexual activity that is beyond making out with someone. Even at university, I didn’t have a lot of sex. When I moved to London in 2010, I thought this is the opportunity to have loads of sex and it just never happened for me. I used to go out clubbing on a weekend with friends, finding a cute guy on the dancefloor; maybe make out with them, but then I’d push them away and leave it there.

I think that first experience impacted me. For some reason – I developed a fear of sex.

Maybe it was PTFD, Post Traumatic Fuck Disorder, but even then, I don’t think my first was all that traumatic. It was awkward and uncomfortable, yes, but traumatic – I don’t think so. Maybe I’d spent so much time watching porn whatever I did was going to be a let-down.

As I’ve aged and become more confident sexually, I guess I’ve become more reliant on that being a part of my life. In my last column, I wrote about me trying to reinvent myself and part of the way I’ve decided to do that is by cutting out the casual sex. I’ve deleted all forms of dating and hook-ups apps from my phone and over the next few months as I get my life back into order, I’m going to avoid it. I’m not in the headspace for a relationship right now, and I’m certainly not in the place to be sleeping about. I’ve got to focus on me. Analysing it in my head, I’ve come to the realisation that I’ve got an issue with other men – putting them before myself. That’s not healthy, is it? I’m sure I’m not alone in all of this. Intimacy issues are common amongst many people – you’ve just got to work out what you want from it.

I need to take a break from other gay men. I’ve said this numerous times before, but I can’t seem to shake it from my head. Being gay is far from easy. You spend all that time as a young gay kid being bullied then when you finally come out of the closet and finally when you head on to the scene; it happens again. You get bullied by other gay men for being a specific type of gay. You’re too tall or too short. You’re too young or too old. You’re too skinny or too fat. You’re too hairy or too smooth. You’re also too fem to be a top, or too masc to be a bottom. All this is coming from a community who keep telling you to be yourself.

Maybe we’re too hard on ourselves in general? We are all determined to have that romantic love story, but not all of them have to be trilogies. Sometimes a short story will suffice. We can’t spend our lives stuck in the past. The past is like an anchor that is holding us back; we’ve sometimes got to let that go to become who you will be because at the end of the day, the most exciting, the most challenging, and the most significant relationship that you will ever have is the one with yourself. Don’t waste too much time looking over past mistakes. I’m a firm believer that if you’re going to make a mistake in life. Don’t just do it once. Do it a few times, just to make sure you’ve learnt the lesson! By god, I’ve learnt those lessons now. Maybe our mistakes are what determines our fate? Because without them; what would shape our lives?

16th August 2020
COMMENT | Reinvention – It’s not just for Madonna, we all have the power to change ourselves

They say that Madonna is the queen of reinvention. She’s been a dance-floor cowgirl, an ABBA-inspired disco diva, an erotic sex kitten, a rebel heart, and most recently, Madame X.

In a career spanning four decades, one thing that Madonna has never been uninspiring. She is the queen of reinvention, so if Madonna can do it, then why can’t I?

Sometimes you’ve got to make some changes; because as Real Housewife of O.C., Heather “Pretentious-Pants” Dubrow says; “If everybody around you is telling your dead, it’s probably time to lie down”.

I’ve been frank about the problems that I’ve had with my confidence and body image over the last ten years, and as the sun goes down on another glorious weekend in God’s own country, I’ve decided that I’ve got the make the changes I need, to get to where I want to be in my life. There is always going to be times in your life when you’re going to want, or need, to reinvent yourself. People go through significant changes in their lives. Be it moving on from an old relationship, moving to a new house, losing a loved one or moving jobs.

I’m moving on from an old relationship – myself.

When something terrible happens in your life, you’ve got three choices. You can let it define you, let it destroy you or you can let it strengthen you. As far as I’m concerned, reinvention is all about making changes to your life to make you happy – you’re not doing it for anybody else. If you are, then maybe you should take a second to wonder why.

I know why I want to change. I’ve got a stage in my life where I want more for myself. I want to be more assertive and have more confidence. I want to be able to walk into a room and own it because for so long I’ve been the booby prize that nobody wants. To reinvent yourself, you need to have an idea of who you want to be. You can get inspiration from anyone, be it a friend or family member who you look up to. Cast members of the Real Housewives inspire me. I want to have the assertive, quick tongue of Bethenny Frankel, and be able to call out the bullshit like Lisa Rinna. Have the confidence of the Gina Liano. These are qualities that I want to have, and while they may not be the role-models people have in mind, the traits that make them influential individuals.

I need to make changes in my life. The first thing I’m going to do is pack in the cigarettes. They are one of my significant fixes in my life. Every time I get stressed or need to escape from something for a few minutes, I reach for the fags. They are my crux. The number of times throughout the week I say; “right, this is my last packet”, then twenty minutes later, I’m down the local off licence asking for twenty John Player Special. I’ve tried all sorts to quit. I’ve been attempting the vape, the patches, and the gum and they don’t seem to be doing the trick. I’ve decided I’m going to try some hypnotherapy and see if that helps me. I’m always open to trying new things; maybe this will be the thing that finally helps.

I’m making a more conscious effort to eat healthier, and I’m going to start working out harder in the gym to get some more weight off. I’ve always had an unhealthy relationship with food, and again, that’s something that I need to take a real hard look at, because If I’m not eating right, then how the hell am I going to get the weight off in the gym. The COVID lockdown played a massive toll on my mental health, and I fell back into some particularly bad habits. It’s time for me to snap the fuck out of it and sort my shit out. If I feel better about myself, then that will shine through.

I hope that if I make these changes and improvements to my life, then it will eventually spill into my love life, and I may find that perfect relationship that I’ve been yearning for, for so long.

The thing about reinvention is that some people think it’s about tossing out the old new and starting entirely anew, like a blank canvas. I don’t believe that is 100 per cent accurate. To me, the power of reinvention lies within the knowledge of everything that you’ve been through—using that to leverage a new persona. You don’t need to start from scratch – there’s another version of you already there. You just need to find a way to tap into it.

9th August 2020
COMMENT | “Straight men are an enigma for gay men. We want what we can’t have, and we go through periods of having feelings for people we shouldn’t”

Falling in love with the wrong person can be a difficult and painful thing to experience. For members of our community, this can be even hard because unrequited love is always the worst. I know many of you out there will have been through this at least once in your life. I’ve been through it too, on more than one occasion. You could say that I’m a masochist. I put my heart through that much trauma I’m surprised I’ve not given myself a heart attack.

The first one was very traumatic. It lasted for about four years, and ultimately it cost me a lot. I lost close friends. I lost my integrity, and it also took a real toll on my mental health. I’ve always been honest with you; this time, I’m going to be brutal. For some, this will be a difficult read, but I think for some of you, you’ll be able to relate and if this helps one person to understand that this is a normal part of life, then I’ve achieved what I wanted to when I started writing this.

It seems to be a rite of passage for gay men to fall in love with straight men and there is undoubtedly a social stigma that comes with it, that should it ever become public knowledge, is difficult to shake. People don’t seem to grasp that you cannot help who you genuinely fall in love with, it’s not a choice you make, it’s a feeling you struggle with for months, sometimes even years and it sends you into a spiral that you have no control over. You’re made out to be a predator because it was always you that initiated everything. The other person hasn’t done anything wrong. You are a walking devil.

When you are in the thick of it you think about that person every single day; there is not a day goes by where you feel your life could be so much different. A part of you in your head tells you to grow the fuck up and move on, put him out of your life, and deal with it. But it’s your heart that overrides that situation, hanging on every word they say. Over analysing a simple text message, seeing how many ways you can take it, has he dropped a hint that maybe he feels the same way about you? You drive yourself insane. It did me.

It’s been a long, and difficult road to get over that guy. It’s not been easy. It’s difficult to watch people around you fawn all over them and boost their ego, while you are wanting to scream across the room, screaming inside because you what they’re doing is breaking your heart. Your heart races a thousand beats per minute. They just don’t see it, or do they? Are they thriving off the attention they’re receiving? Are they playing a sick game with you; that twists and turns your insides, and manipulates your head without you comprehending?

The hardest part is covering. You do your best to hide in public when you’re around your friend, you laugh off the jokes that deep-down inside is tearing you apart. You watch them play their games, and you just want to scream stop. The worst thing about it is that people can’t see inside your heads. They can see this smooth and sometimes icy exterior. They don’t know your hurting inside. You try to tell your “close” friends about it, but they don’t seem to understand, they just see the blatant front they’re putting on. They don’t honestly believe that someone is capable of doing these things you’re telling them. You start to see these people in a different light. People become blindsided. They only believe what they want you to see.

You try to block it out with new relationships, but in the end, you end up committing self-sabotage, because you know that deep down inside that this person is nothing compared to the guy you want but can’t have. You mess around and hurt perfectly lovely guys because they’re not him. You can’t shake what you feel for him, something else comes and smacks you round the face that proves you are still in fact madly in love with them; or at least you think you are.

In the end, you don’t blame them for feeling that way. They don’t want you to change their opinions about them. You’re made to feel like an outsider. People who you thought were close, best friends even, you look at them differently. You don’t know how to deal with it. You want to run. Run far away as possible. When you’re in the grasp of an obsession, sometimes it’s the only possible escape. The strength comes from staying and fronting it out. When you’ve mastered this, then you can begin to say to yourself that you’ve got this. It’s at this point you can start to reclaim control.

Looking back now, this was a period of my life when I desperate to be loved, and this went on for four years until I got truly over him. I’ve not had any interaction with him for about five years now. It’s times like these when I re-evaluate the past and my life. I start to think about how I’ve changed. If I saw this guy again, five years on, and being the more developed and mature person, I am now, what would I say to him? I guess I would say; ‘Cheers; I learned from that experience, and It’s made me a more resilient person’. I have come through this experience, and I’ve closed the door on this part of my life, and going forward in my life, it’s going to make me a more well-rounded person, and it’s going to impact my relationship with men.

FILE PHOTO: When the lines between friendship and romance become blurred, hearts and minds can be hurt.
Photo by Helena Lopes on Pexels.com

Straight men are an enigma for gay men. We want what we can’t have, and we go through periods of having feelings for people we shouldn’t. These feelings aren’t just a one-time thing. They can come out of the left-field sometimes. About a year ago, I reconnected with an old friend that I’d not spoken to for a very long time, and certain feelings have started to resurface. There’s a certain sexual tension between this new guy and me, and we’ve made out on a couple of occasions when we’ve been drunk. It’s unrealistic for it to be anything more than this, and I know this. The rational part of my brain understands and accepts this, it’s the other side that sometimes has a louder voice. We have to learn not to listen to that side as much and focus on living in a present state of rationality. I think the more I’ve grown as a person, the stronger I’ve become, and I see things in a completely different light.

I look back on this saga with mixed emotions. Hindsight is twenty-twenty. I look back with a sensible, level head that I’ve got now thinking “Wow, Al; you were an absolute IDIOT”. Why did I waste the best part of a year on a guy that was not even worth my time; get some self-worth and some self-respect? Why did I do it? I guess I could say I was young. Frontal lobes aren’t developed. I had zero self-esteem. Maybe a part of me didn’t see that I was worth more? Perhaps I was yearning from the attention and acceptance that I couldn’t see everything with clarity. I also look back and think; this guy really did a number on my head – but; in the long run, it probably did me a huge favour. It’s made me stronger.

I now know what I am worth and what I want in a relationship and a romantic partner. I don’t want somebody who is going to give me the run-around, fuck with my head and always hurt me; and nobody should settle for this. We are worth more. So if you are in a similar situation to the one I’ve been in, then give yourself the time to heal and remember your worth, because you are ten times the person that he will ever be and remember; you will get over it, and you will be a much more resilient person for it.

2nd August 2020
COMMENT | “I have a weird relationship with London. It’s the place that I began to discover myself, but it was also the place where I started to have problems”

Bright Lights, Big City: Columnist Al Jenning confronts his past, with a trip to London

We all have that one place that we love to visit, but it always stirs up some unwelcome memories. Whether it be a bar where we saw the bloke, we fancied necking somebody else, or whether it is the place where something traumatic happened to us. These places can be anything. I mean we all have these cruxes. For me, mine is the city of London. I have a weird relationship with London. It’s the place that I began to discover myself, but it was also the place where I started to have problems with my mental health which drove me to a nervous breakdown.

I was eighteen when I moved to London from a small town in East Yorkshire. I enrolled on a three-year Musical Theatre course at a university, and I thought I had made it already. I was so happy to get out of the town that I felt stifled and trapped in for so long and finally I could finally live my life. I had so many dreams for the future. I thought I would move to London, sail my way through a course I thought I was going to love, meet incredible life-long friends and finally meet that Mr Right that I had been longing to meet – naïve right? I guess at eighteen years old we are all slightly naïve. We have dreams and expectations that are completely unrealistic, and we have nobody there to give us a reality to check.

The first few weeks were hard. I couldn’t imagine how homesick I would be, to the point where I used to cry myself to sleep at night because I just wanted to cuddle my dog and spend time with my family. I made an effort for the first few months not to visit home, and try to cut everything off and start fresh, and it was hard. When my parents came down to visit me for the first time after being there for three months, I was so excited. I settled in eventually and my first year was really enjoyable. I made some great friends, and I met a guy who I liked, and it felt like it might go somewhere. Alas, it wasn’t to be. He passed away from a short illness in early 2012.

Coming back in the second year was even worse. When I moved back, it was as if something had changed, and I wanted to be anywhere else but there. I wasn’t enjoying the course as much as it was and I guess, I kind of put myself on the outs. I didn’t want to socialise. I wanted to be alone all the time. I wanted to put in as little effort as possible. Turn up, do what I needed to do then get out and go back to my flat. I couldn’t work out what was wrong with me. I kept missing lectures and classes, and I just didn’t want to do anything. My sleeping patterns were all over the place, and it felt that like I was missing out on so much of my friend’s lives and I wanted to be a part of it.

During this time, I lost the guy I guess I fell in love with. The pain was unimaginable, and I felt that I had nobody to talk to. I didn’t tell my family, because they hadn’t met him, and they didn’t know that was seeing somebody. I had put myself on the outs with my course mates and I don’t think that any of them knew what was going on. It got to a point where I needed to speak to someone professional and I booked an appointment with a doctor to talk to them about it. I got to the appointment and I bottled it. I felt like I was a failure. That day I went back to my apartment and opened a bottle of vodka and had a good old drink. Thinking that I might find the answer to my problems at the bottom of the bottle. I didn’t. I just found myself spewing up violently for hours and my flatmate trying to help me into the bathroom. If that wasn’t a cry for help, then I don’t know what was. I knew at that point that I had hit rock bottom and that I needed to escape.

I looked for every possible way out. I knew I didn’t want to go back to East Yorkshire, and I would be damned I was going to go back with my tail between my legs as a failure. I applied for so many jobs in London but couldn’t find anything. I failed the second year of my course, and I guess that was it. I was going back to the north. I wanted to have one more mad night out though. Me and few people I knew went for one more night out in Soho and ended up dancing in HEAVEN till 5 am. I went back to my flat and saw an email from TUI advertising positions as Event Hosts in the Mediterranean. Somehow, I got the job and I flew to Spain a few weeks later.

I’ve had a distant relationship with London since. I’ve only visited for day trips or some event or show. It feels weird now.

It feels like every time I go back, I open a door to my past, and suddenly I’m this carefree eighteen-year-old again. I have a nickname given to me by a very close friend; Sally. That’s because I have this strange relationship from the character of Sally from the Sondheim musical, Follies. She is one of the central characters in the show, which is about a reunion of showgirls, where an unrequited love story takes place. Throughout the show, Sally becomes more helpless and fragile from confronting her past and Ben, the man she once loved but ended up marrying her best friend. It’s a strange connotation to make you might think but I can relate to it. When I’m in London it’s as if movies from my past play through my mind and I can remember all those thoughts, the feelings that I went through, now 10 years go. I see it all. The good. The bad. The ugly.

I made a decision last year to try and put a few of those ghosts to bed. I booked a few nights in a hotel just down the road from where I used to live, and I went to look at some of the places that I used to frequent as that naïve kid I once was. It was a really weird experience, and I didn’t like it, but ten years I felt strong enough to put myself through it. I saw a couple of people from university in the Broadway that I knew from uni, but I kept my distance. I wasn’t quite sure whether I was ready to have a conversation with them. I wanted to remain invisible.

It was a good thing for me to do, but I now have to make a conscious effort to focus on making new memories, so I’m doing just that. I’ve been writing this column whilst hurtling down the East Coast mainline. I’m on my way to London to visit a friend who is celebrating his ninetieth birthday this weekend and whilst I’m there I’m determined to make new positive memories. I’m going to do things I’ve never done before like take a river cruise up the Thames.

With just a few minutes to arrival, the anxiety is growing. I’m scared that as soon as I get off this train I’m going be that person I was all those years ago, or I’m going to see him around every corner. I have to remind myself that I’m not that person anymore and I’m stronger, wised and a hell of a lot more resilient. I’m always going to have that person in a box somewhere in my head, and I’ve come to accept that. I’m not going to be ruled by him, but it would be nice to see a little bit of him again.

Wish me luck!

27th July 2020