On Saturday, our Prince Harry becomes a married man, to actress Meghan Markle. Columnist Jack Strange writes why he’s raising a glass to the new married couple..
If you didn’t know about this, then that’s understandable, seeing as it hasn’t been mentioned anywhere.
Oh wait, it’s been just about everything. The past week, in the build-up to the wedding, we’ve seen interviews with camera crews setting up outside Windsor, and we’ve also watched a real-life soap unfold regarding Meghan’s dad, who sadly won’t be at the wedding because of a heart problem.
Today, it was announced that Prince Charles will walk Meghan down the aisle.
It’s all very excessive to be talking about when you consider it’s only two people getting married, but of course, these aren’t your typical people.
They’re our monarchy; a royal family that have been in the public eye their whole lives. We’ve followed Harry since he was born, seeing him lose his mother tragically at such a young age, and seeing those pictures that leaked from Vegas.
Harry is undoubtedly our most down to earth royal. He’s a younger generation that has fought in the army, fighting for our country, and working endlessly to meet different people in different countries to enrich things such as the Commonwealth.
Meghan Markle, on the other hand, is a young woman that has lived her life in the limelight and happened to meet Harry because of a blind date. Undoubtedly, Meghan is feeling the pressures of this new limelight that has been put upon her. She can no longer act, and she even had to delete social media. Now, Meghan has to fit the role of a royal. Regal, helpful, a Good Samaritan.
But what we have with Meghan and Harry is something unusual. We have an American marrying into a family that have been traditionally British, albeit with German ancestors. It’s unusual, too, for Meghan to have had a public career before this. During the 2016 election, Meghan spoke out against Trump, an opinion that she will probably have to put aside now that she is such a public figure. What could have once been seen as problematic to the diplomacy of royalty has now been modernised.
Let us also not forget that The Royal Family bring the British economy a good source of income. Abolishing them, or dismissing them would be foolish. This wedding between Harry and Meghan alone will boost our economy by £1billion.
That £1billion comes from things such as tourism, PR, money spent in restaurants and on merchandise.
The whole world is watching the United Kingdom right now, and broadcast around the globe.
We should also see this as a testimony to our history. We are alive to witness history. Sure, it ‘may just be a wedding’, but it’s a wedding between two people that have the influence to change how we live, and how the world functions.
As humanitarians, both Harry and Meghan have a responsibility to uphold. Not only are we seeing two people in love tie the knot, but we’re celebrating something good.
We have bigger problems to face, sure, but for one day we should focus on the good. We should enjoy an enrichment of culture.
I, for one, wish the new couple a happy wedding day!
When Rita Ora announced a song with Cardi B, Charli XCX and Bebe Rexha, the world imploded, and we were ready for a huge collab that hasn’t been seen since “Lady Marmalade”.
Progressive or regressive? Lyrics from the song, Girls.
Whilst not quite on the level of “Lady Marmalade” – an opinion not shared by me – the song came out on Friday and was consumed quickly by fans of the four rising members in popular culture. But many people were quick to say that song was offensive to the LGBT community.
The track references Rita Ora’s sexuality as a bisexual woman. Lyrics in the song include ‘I’m 50/50 and I’m never gonna hide it’, and talks about an experience with a girl called Lara. After the release, many people were quick to voice their concerns with the lyrics, believing it to be exploitative and even tone deaf.
When I first heard the song, I appreciated the way the song fit the pop mould, but lyrics such as ‘red wine, I just wanna kiss Girls’ did seem problematic even to me. Yet I was misinformed and did not realise that Rita Ora is actually bisexual, instead hearing the lyrics and thinking that the song was pandering to a straight male fantasy.
After finding that out, I realised that the song was not intended to be harmful, but the world of Twitter continued to discuss the song.
Pop star Hayley Kiyok tweeted that the song did ‘more harm than good’, with followers agreeing that the lyrics were clumsy, even if not intended to be, and gave the wrong impression to straight men. The pop star continued to say that the song ‘belittles’ the community, stating that she doesn’t need alcohol to show love of the same sex.
Yet other Twitter users didn’t think the same way, stating that they didn’t even think of how it could be interpreted. Such was the debate and ‘backlash’, Ora took to Twitter to apologise to her fans. In her statement, shared on Twitter, Rita says that the song ‘was written to represent my truth and is an accurate account of a very real and honest experience in my life. I have had romantic relationships with women and men throughout my life and this is my personal journey.’
Rapper Cardi B also tweeted about the backlash, saying the song was never intended to cause harm, and even revealed that she has been with many women.
Whilst I admit that I thought the song could indeed be problematic, I was seeing it from the angle of many others, that lyrics glorifying a bisexual female relationship could cater to people that only believe women’s bisexuality is ‘a phase’. Yet seeing Rita explain the situation, it’s pretty clear to see that she is writing from personal experience, and why is that a bad thing? It may be because until now, the general public had no knowledge of Rita’s sexuality. But should that really matter? A certain One Direction member can continuously hint at bisexual relationships himself, yet never disclose his sexuality, but instead of backlash, the man gets elated feedback from excitable fans.
Sexuality is a very complex situation, and we all have different experiences in discovering who we are, and realising the people we like. It’s important that the idea of being PC, of analysing everything to a point where backlash can literally ruin a career, does not infringe on artistic expression.
Whilst the lyrics in Girls are a little clumsy, it’s important to remember where they come from; a young woman that has become an LGBT ally, expressing who she is, and writing songs about her own experiences.
Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.
As a twenty-three-year-old twink, you might think life in gay culture is bliss. But the rise of popularity on Instagram has given rise to topless men with muscle, unabashedly showing off their abs, pecks and gorgeous tans.
CREDIT: Adam Rickitt / Instagram
I’m a young man that likes what he likes, and unfortunately, I’m a sucker for a handsome man with a six-pack. I follow a lot of men on my feed, and whilst I know they’re unattainable, it’s still fun to look.
But in the wake of the #MeToo movement, bringing awareness to sexual assault and harassment to women, I begin to wonder if objectifying these men is going to become problematic. Aren’t we just as bad for lusting over images of topless men? Of course, the main difference here on Instagram is these men are living their best lives, and they’re uploading photos for the endless stream of attention they receive from their thousands of followers, or so we’re led to believe.
The constant stream of cocktails on the sandy beaches of a faraway country, of sunglasses and shorts whilst I, watch a snow storm, ignites not jealousy, but instead a sense of longing. According to a recent survey, Instagram was rated the top social media app that is bad for one’s mental health. Is it any wonder that a discovery like that has been found?
We so desperately want to quit our mundane, often dead-end jobs, for a life that seems so much better. So desperate are we that we forget that social media shows us only the good. Who uploads a photograph of them with a massive spot, dribble down their chin and from a bad angle?
Instead, we plump for Valencia filters, with airbrushed skin and cleverly crafted digital tans. The social media culture we live in has given us the best of the best, forever making us feel like we have to keep up. When we can’t, we sink lower, finding the ebb of sadness.
Goodness, we’ve got a bit sad here, haven’t we? For a first article, you’d think I’d show you my best side! But then I’d be playing up to the picture-perfect lifestyle you see plastered all over Instagram.
For men, it’s hard to discuss body confidence issues. It’s not talked about often, and so we tend not to mention it. I’m one to say I have body confidence issues, and I’m sure there would be others out there that say I have no right to be self-conscious about the way I look. But I do, and it’s common for people of all shapes and sizes to have those issues.
A common problem for men is the fear that their size is just not good enough. Straight men know their girlfriends or potential partners will discuss a ‘perfect size’, and in the gay community, we also discuss men’s sizes. The myth of the penis size is a strange one. On one hand, many people simply don’t mind. On the other, it’s preference. Body confident Instagram men show off everything, and leave very little to the imagination. With strict Instagram guidelines on nudity, the toned gods have found ways around this, showing blurs and imprints in the tightest fabrics you could ever see. It’s very unlikely to see anything other than a hand full in images like this.
It’s easy to believe that the hot men we see on Instagram don’t think like this. We imagine them earning money for every post, spending a second in the gym and getting a killer body, and spending hour after hour taking in culture, relaxing by pools, and drinking refreshing drinks. It’s easy because that is all we see of these complete strangers.
We don’t know their lifestyle, not really. We see what they want us to see. It’s hard to remember that when we’re sat in a dilapidated house, wondering how we’re going to afford rent at the end of the month.
If you ever feel like you are comparing yourself to others, it’s time to find that unfollow button, and click unfollow. Take some time away from the glossy too busy to model men, and instead focus on what’s around you.
Our editor in chief, Jake Hook looks at why gay resorts and hotels are still necessary in 2018.
I’ve just come back off holiday – and while I battle the post-holiday, aeroplane lurgy, I can’t help thinking that one of the most memorial moments of the holiday was our 2 days in a gay-only hotel.
There was a time when the idea of choosing a “gay hotel” as a place to vacay was totally off the cards. Why would I want to segregate myself from the rest of society? Why would I want to just limit myself to “gay conversations”? And anyway, aren’t guys who go to gay resorts just after one thing?
Perhaps some of them are. But here’s what I learned from my stay at Key West’s The Equator Resort, in Florida.
Not everyone who’s at the resort is looking for sex
Okay, some are. Whacking on your Grindr will identify those around you who are looking for something a little more than a suntan, but there aren’t people actively pursuing you around the pool. Guys are there to chill, check out the sights, get to know new people and generally hang out in a safe, non-judgemental space.
Bodies come in all shapes and sizes
My historical success with nudity is somewhat patchy, but what I learned from this stay was that us gay men come in all shapes, colours, sizes and well dick sizes – and it’s all good. Yes, even I may have slipped off my trunks in the pool.
Even better, however, is that seeing all those bodies really helped me tackle my own body insecurities. Seeing others in the altogether help me reevaluate my relationship with my love handles.
There’s no heteronormativity
We live in a world where 99.9 percent of everything is geared towards heterosexual couples and gender binaries. Hanging about with other guys who identify as gay or bisexual, makes being gay at the front and centre. Gay literally becomes the norm at a gay resort.
You don’t have to watch what you say
You probably realise that there aren’t many subjects that are off limits when you hang around with other gay guys. Everything goes: anal to sunscreen, hooking up to the best restaurant in town to coming out. Honestly, my conversations were so varied.
There are no screaming kids
There is nothing worse than seeing that the expensive resort you’ve booked has a “kids’ zone” or “kids’ pool”. I don’t want to spend my holiday listening to screaming, whining kids. I can whine enough for anybody. I simply don’t need the competition. Sorry, not sorry.
Lifelong friends
I’ve been on a gay cruise and stayed at two gay resorts, every time making new friendships that have lasted. The moment you arrive, there’s always someone to talk to, get to know – and you know, if it feels right to take things further.
Here’s to gay stays and long may they last.
Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.
I noticed it especially when I started using the apps. The apps are great, you can be as specific as you want and really filter down to find what you are looking for. There are also a number of different apps to cater for specific gay communities and labels. They are also a great way of realising how picky you can be when it comes to what you want. A lot of people are open-minded and others are very upfront with their requirements.
After getting past my initial bombardment of unsolicited photos, I started looking through profiles until I found someone I was interested in. He looked great and the start of his profile was funny. But that’s when I saw it. He specifically stated he didn’t want Asians, wanted the guy to be smooth and wanted him to be slim. All of the things I am not in other words. I was hurt in some way from reading this, but quickly shrugged it off and said to myself that the views of one person shouldn’t make me feel bad. I moved on to the next guy, whose profile was blank, and messaged him. He replied that he wasn’t looking for Asians as well. I took this in one of two ways. He was genuinely not looking for Asians, or using it as an excuse to end the conversation early. Again I shrugged it off, I can’t change my ethnicity so why bother myself with people who are being prejudiced against me. I did find a lot of people who were interested and we had some conversation that either led to something or didn’t. Such is the nature of the apps I found.
But it got me thinking, is it prejudice or racism. I mean we all have our types, myself included, but I don’t feel the need to implicitly tell people that I don’t want a specific skin colour. I am open-minded, and my main criterion is someone with kind eyes. It sounds funny, but I am drawn to eyes and how they can convey a lot about people. I understand that these guys who put their requirements are doing so to ward off any unwanted attention, and to help them find what they are looking for faster. But is that really the case? I tested this out and put my requirements based on my current mood, and I found a handful of matches. When I saw these select few it made me realise that I didn’t particularly feel drawn to any of them. I went back to my more open requirements and felt instantly better. But that is just how I am, these people who don’t want fats, femmes or Asians know what they want, and that is their choice. It would be easy for me to judge them, but then again should they not be allowed to seek what they want?
One interaction that really threw me off was when a guy messaged me saying he doesn’t usually go for Asians, but I would be an exception. That is when I genuinely got angry at the comment he made. It implied that I am acceptable even though I am Asian, and that he deems me worthy of his attention. I rightly put him down for that comment and ended the conversation there. He blocked me, which was to be expected, but had he not I would have blocked him and his pointed views out of my life anyway. Other interactions have had people ask me where I was born, as they don’t want people who weren’t born in the UK or don’t speak English without an accent. Again, I have no time for these people. They are trying to cover up their prejudice towards immigrants by making it out that they are just having a normal conversation.
This isn’t to say I haven’t found people from the apps, as I have had a number of dates. What it is saying is that people shouldn’t feel bad if they find prejudice within the apps. They should ask themselves if they would want to be with someone like that, and if they do then that is fine. But you never know what you might find when you venture out of your preferences. I know I have been surprised and learned more about myself when I have ventured out. So for any profile out there that states ‘no Asians,’ I’m sorry but you are missing out. We are amazing.
I took a colleague with me the other night and dropped him off home as it was on my way.
Today I overheard him talking with others and he described my driving as “gay”! I felt compelled to challenge him. You see I was not out at work, but using the term gay in a derogatory way just makes the small hairs on the back of my neck stand up; I think my upper lip curls to a snarl too.
It would appear my adherence to the speed limit and signalling was the reason for terming my driving as “Gay” or ‘like a woman.’
He went on in front of his young friends to tell me all about the advances of modern technology and how quick a car could brake. One of his friends has a ‘souped up’ hatchback (I actually think it has spoilers, skirts, fancy wheels and a big shiny exhaust; but a standard engine) and he has taken the same colleague home. He boasted how he could easily take two to three minutes off my time.
I will never be a hero, well except in the bedroom, and even then my days of coming off the wardrobe in a cape are behind me. Ever the more so, as middle-aged spread makes me as aerodynamic as a brick!
I said it to them, “I will never be a hero, but I do know common sense. I agree there have been significant advances with cars, but humans are just as fragile as they were at the start of the age of the car. I may never save a life, but the way I drive could mean; I will never take a life.
I have a better chance of stopping should a child run out in front of me. Heaven forbid I should run a child over; they would have a greater chance of survival with a low-speed impact. Just for your information by the way I am gay too, proud of it and my driving.”
Perhaps I have got past the dick measuring stage and penis/car substitution, after all at my time of life its size has as much to do with the weather as any other stimulus!
I have been in love with wrestling ever since I was a kid. Naturally, it was the campy, dramatic side of things that got me interested in Sports Entertainment. The first ever episode I watched involved Stephanie McMahon marrying a wrestler called Test. However, during the ceremony, it is revealed she was secretly drugged by McMahon Family nemesis Triple H who married her in a Las Vegas drive-through. It was pure soap opera and I was hooked.
“Being a gay WWE fan means that you often have to forgive a lot of previous transgressions.”
However, as the kids say, WWE has been quite “problematic” over the years. Being a gay WWE fan means that you often have to forgive a lot of previous transgressions. The Attitude Era was defining for WWE. It was when you had Stone Cold drinking beers, DX tormenting the boss Vince McMahon and there were half-naked ladies for the eye to see. It was rude, obnoxious and outrageous; it was everything we wanted to be. It was also pretty homophobic. WWE has never shied away from a gay joke throughout its time. I remember a scene when my favourite wrestler Triple H went looking for Shawn Michaels in a restaurant. He mistakes a long-haired waiter for Shawn explaining “well, that’s certainly a different look to the chaps I usually see you in there, Sexy Boy (Shawn Michaels’ nickname)”. The waiter then visibly checks Triple H out and, after Triple H apologises and tries to leave, the waiter tells him “I get off at seven”. Triple H retorts “yeah, I bet you do”. For a wrestling fan, it’s good bit, pointing out the homoerotic undertones of the Shawn Michaels/Triple H dynamic. This, though, was 2009. Not the attitude era but the PG era.
WWE’s homophobia hasn’t always been a “subtle” joke. WWE commentator Michael Cole got in trouble for calling his then-colleague a faggot on Twitter. Even favourite John Cena was under fire for gay jokes made towards The Rock in 2011. The most vivid example I remember was watching Raw with my brother in 1997. On it, Jerry Lawler was cutting a promo on Goldust telling him his father hated him because he’d married a gold digger and was now kissing men like a “flaming faggot”. This was not beeped out, this was deemed perfectly acceptable. Now sure, Lawler was playing heel (a wrestling term for ‘bad guy’) and Goldust got the win but it was particularly biting for a 7-year-old to take in.
Men who kiss men are faggots. That was my take-away from that.
One thing I have always felt as a WWE fan, though, is under-representation. WWE has always had relationship storylines. They have actually been some of my favourites. From Triple and Stephanie, Stone Cold and Debra to Zack Ryder and Eve, they are the soap opera stories that have had me interested in WWE for so long. But WWE has never had a gay-centric storyline (for any WWE fans reading this, Billy and Chuck do NOT count). We’ve had “hot lesbian action” but nothing ever gay. And let’s face it: WWE is pretty gay! It’s fit men in underwear grinding on top of each other. Yet WWE has never pulled the trigger.
Then, in recent years, WWE has launched initiatives such as Be A Star which is an anti-bullying programme of events which promote tolerance and inclusion. Many WWE Superstars even got involved in the LGBT charity campaign No H8. This was, for me, pretty remarkable as it was the first time WWE really ever gave a nod to its LGBT fans. And to have two executives like Triple H and Stephanie McMahon do it sent a clear message that WWE was becoming more inclusive. This was then reiterated by support now-released wrestler Darren Young received when he came out. However, it was given a caveat that Young’s on-screen character “is not gay” but that there may be a change in future. This, however, did not happen and sadly Young was released 4 years later (likely due to a lack of creative ideas for Young rather than his coming out).
Cut to: Wrestlemania. Prior to the event, WWE Superstar and Twitter Thirst Trap Finn Balór announced that he was releasing a new t-shirt. This shirt would colour his logo with LGBT colours and a percentage of the funds would go to GLAAD, an American LGBT charity. This was the first time WWE would be showing pride colours (no, the Ultimate Warrior’s rainbow tassels don’t count). I marvelled at such an amazing gesture and was thrilled. Then… Wrestlemania. There was a pre-show Women’s Battle Royale match in which up and coming superstar Sonya Deville took part. Her usual outfit is all-black as a symbol of her fierce aggression. However, this time, she had donned white with rainbow colours. Sonya had previously tweeted praise Finn Balór’s t-shirt initiative and also came out as the WWE’s first openly-lesbian Superstar.
Then came Finn’s match. Finn was joined in his entrance by local New Orleans LGBT community members. He was wearing the rainbow shirt, had the rainbow logo on his trunks and a rainbow running down the back of his boots. This was something WWE has never seen before and it was remarkable. Finn is a hugely popular talent and to support LGBT in a brand like WWE has worldwide significance. Let alone, it was his Wrestlemania debut. I am not afraid to say, it got me emotional because I thought about how it would’ve felt for 7-year-old me to have seen Finn entire in rainbow colours rather than hearing the word faggot.
I truly hope this is a turning point to how WWE approached its LGBT fans. We are a valid part of the WWE Universe and to have this representation on their biggest show is a monumental step forward and an overwhelming gesture. I truly hope Finn, Sonya and the WWE know what an important moment that was for LGBT fans. I hope this continues and doesn’t get sidelined into a gimmick. We need an openly LGBT character, LGBT storylines and a commitment from WWE that is will continue to show its Pride.
Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.
The shock and amazement at the birth of my daughter has been replaced by the daily pressure that surrogacy debts, my daughter, my extended family and now my new bf bring to bear. On the face of it, my prospects have never been better and I’ve never been happier until someone brings one of these pressures to bear.
My daughter was born at the start of December 2017. In my last piece I was worried about hospital bills that hadn’t been (in my view) prepared for, the filming that had caused such a rift with my parents, how I would cope, would my daughter cry continuously, would I get any sleep, and would I be a good father? Thankfully, I spent six weeks attending the NCT course and I am pleased to say that it gave me confidence. (Sadly, I didn’t tell my parents I was going, as they kept on insisting that I go on the course, so I did, but didn’t tell them – a small act of rebellion…)
The first meeting of the NCT course was a bit terrifying as we were all asked to explain who we were and our situation. I was (understandably) the only single male in a room of male/female couples. But one of my friends had said, ‘tell them everything at once, they will take so long to process it, there will be no time to be nasty’, and he was right. ‘Hi, I’m a single gay man, going through surrogacy in the United States of America, my daughter is due to be born in seven weeks and I will fly out in six weeks time’ and then onto the next couple. I feel warmth towards those on the course with me now. The mothers to be, were all highly protective and this included me and my situation, for which I am very grateful. So, I highly recommend an NCT course if you are expecting a baby.
On the course we went through birth, labour, what happens, feeding, crying, changing nappies, looking after our own mental health, and settling into a routine. Most importantly it gave me the confidence to accept that I wasn’t going to be the perfect dad, but that I could be the best dad that I am capable of being. It taught me that you can’t make a baby stop crying, start feeding or to go to sleep. It also taught me that provided my daughter had had her nappy changed, was fed, burped and cuddled, then unless she had a temperature and extreme crying, she is good and well and she could happily carry on crying. -My daughter developed this ‘low level’ crying, which I knew meant that everything was okay. I think for the first few weeks she had this low-level crying expressing shock at no longer being in the womb of her tummy mummy.
I also changed my mind about the filming. I spoke to the film team a couple of times and on the continuing basis of ‘you can tell us not to air this at any time’, we continued to film. I flew out at the end of November and essentially from then through my daughter’s birth, until the day my parents arrived, the film crew filmed everything. We had a fantastic time: BBQ ribs with my surrogate and her family, shopping in Wal-Mart, cruising in a Ford Focus on the Las Vegas strip (!), to dinner at home and going to the doctor and paediatrician consultations. I really got to know the team and I know that they will produce something sympathetic, in-depth and caring, for airing this autumn. I’m really pleased about it.
Reality struck with my daughter’s birth, apparently (the film crew said) I was a picture of complete shock. I watched my surrogate give birth up close and, thankfully, there were no complications. A painkiller given to injured Marines and an epidural were ‘all’ that was needed and 20 hours after entering the hospital my daughter was born. We did delayed cord clamping, skin-to-skin, gently talking and giving lots of love and attention for my daughter, as she was passed around all present. She was then weighed, washed (“she loves the water, doesn’t she”), measured, reactions checked, and dressed in a tiny nappy and hospital issued baby grow. We were then separated (this was discussed and agreed in advance) from my surrogate and placed in individual close by post-partum rooms.
I just went with the flow. I didn’t have work to go to, I didn’t have to sleep or have any commitments. The only thing I had to do, was to concentrate on was my daughter. So from that day until I returned to work, it was all about my daughter. I had the light on, in the room we were in at the hospital and at home till I re-started work. So I got used to sleeping with a light on. To begin with, it was: change nappy, feed, burp (after every ounce) and then back to sleep every two hours. Then when my parents arrived, I’d hand my daughter over to them at about 8 am to sleep for two to three hours myself. My parents were anxious but got back into being baby carers quickly. And, this is where my relationship with my parents started to change again…
My mother had always wanted a daughter and although I am my daughter’s father, there was, has been and continues to be “you must do this”. As I agreed to live under their roof for four months following the birth, it has been what they want most of the time or; we have an argument, my mother cries and eventually concedes. It’s been great having their support, so much so that I am allowed to date someone and go out with him once a week. But, it’s also claustrophobic and in line with my parent’s expectations about how a daughter should be brought up and their needs. So I continue to just go with the flow. I will now be moving out in six week’s time. I am counting the days…
And this brings me back to pressure. I have a loan, credit card debt in the UK and the States and a further loan from my father. My job pays well, but it’s tight. Also, my father essentially demanded repayment once we had returned to the UK. Unlike a credit card company who e-mails, texts or posts letters to you, dad is there when I get home or at the weekend. Thankfully I’ve reached an arrangement after a heated conversation, but ironically it’s my father, not the bank that is crippling me financially. So, that’s two types of pressure that I am literally living with currently.
Add to this: pressure at work, which we all experience, to deliver results; and paying attention to, and being a good bf; and strangely, the pressure that my daughter adds is minimal. At three months she has stopped her low-level crying, she smiles and is engaging, she has started to make sounds with her mouth and she sleeps (hallelujah!) from about 10:30 pm to around 6:30 am / 7 am each night. Every fifth or sixth night she will wake at 3 am or 4 am to keep me on my toes, but otherwise, she is (mostly) a real joy to be around. What she really is, is intoxicating. I could and do spend hours cooing, chatting, bouncing and talking to her. So my favourite TV programmes come and go, my PC and tablet computer games barely get a look in, and apart from the pressures, all is going well.
“LGBT people have to work harder to be listened to, have to work harder to get anything done and that is a sad fact of life as it stands”
An old Stonewall campaign (C) STONEWALL
I have not been the greatest member of the LGBT community.
When I was in my teens and early 20s, I was privileged to be in very liberal environments. I went to a high school where I was the only out gay person and my degree was in the creative field. I was surrounded by like-minded and open-minded people. This led me to believe that talks of microaggressions and homophobia were exaggerated. I even wrote articles against allowing gay marriage in churches, questioning Pride parades and deriding camp men. I look back on that time with great regret and shame as, now I am older, I have actually studied LGBT history. I understand the plight of LGBT people around the World. And, on an increasing scale, I have myself felt the effects of subtle homophobia and microaggressions.
It is difficult sometimes to try and decipher if how you are being treated is because of how you are acting or because of who you are. I often wonder if becoming more “woke” has made me hyper-alert, like I am deliberately seeking it out. I have experienced frequently in my work life, moments where I have felt dismissed. I have been told I am “emotional”, told to stop being “a diva” or called “sensitive”. Yet, I have seen straight male colleagues be treated completely different. I have never once seen two straight male colleagues have a heated debate and either of them be called “emotional” or a “diva”. I remember having a heated discussion with a senior manager at one company I worked at and I was providing him with perfectly logical information. He was having none of it, kept telling me I needed to “chill” and stop being so “sensitive”. I eventually phoned a colleague and explained what had gone on and then, when he arrived back to the office, I stood and watched him explain the exact same points to the senior manager that I had raised, who then wholeheartedly agreed and went ahead as I had advised!
But here lies the problem; is it my approach or my sexuality? Nobody I’ve ever worked with in my entire work life has ever outwardly expressed homophobia. I have never been made to feel uncomfortable or unsafe. Yet, I have frequently found myself turned down for promotion, talked down to, dismissed and patronised. I am a very passionate person and, when I care about an issue, I express that strongly but I have seen other straight colleagues behave in a similar manner and they don’t receive the admonishment I do. I remember once having a conversation with a friend who said they felt LGBT people have a ‘chip on their shoulder’. It was a point, many years ago, I would’ve agreed with but now I completely disagree. You just need to look at what is happening in the world. Gay men are still beat up and abused regularly in the UK.
In 2016/2017 there was a 27% increase in reported hate crimes based on sexuality from the previous year. That’s just what gets reported. I have had friends experience situations such as not being allowed in a bar because he was “too gay” or be yelled at when they held hands with their boyfriends. These situations are still very real. You have the President of the United States banning transgender people from serving in the Army. You have gay men in Chechnya being rounded up to be tortured and murdered. You even have people like Jacob Rees-Mogg being glorified on Twitter and lauded as a next potential leader because of how “quirky” he is when, in truth, he doesn’t believe in gay marriage. Is it any surprise we’re so vigilant? It is important to learn from the mistakes of the past to ensure that history is not repeated.
I will never truly know if how I am treated is because of my approach or my sexuality. It is something I refer to as “gay paranoia”. The problem here is that I even have to wonder. It is 2018 and I have to actively be aware of microaggressions or potentially dangerous situations. LGBT people have to work harder to be listened to, have to work harder to get anything done and that is a sad fact of life as it stands. But how can we change that? The way I see it is that we must try and stand up to homophobia, we must celebrate our Pride and more importantly, we must vote and encourage our friends to vote. We must support pro-LGBT candidates in local and general elections.
My dream is that the future generation never has to worry that they won’t even have a chance and that their ideas and ideals will be judged on merit and on nothing else. But right now, I am going to just keep learning and keep hoping. I am also going to do my best to check my own privilege especially in comparison to other LGBT people, particularly Trans and BME LGB people, and just hope to see change in my lifetime.
I am inspired by LGBT youth and LGBT activists of today who heroically stand up for what is right. Yes, I have been a poor advocate in the past but I plan on making up for it for the rest of my life.
I confess I am one of the people who sometimes take tests on Facebook. So what is all of the fuss about?
We need to be paying more attention to who can create and use Facebook accounts.
Pretty sure that whenever me and my single brain cell have decided to partake in these online analysis of personality and many other brain-teasing trait-identifying, pigeonholing non-entities tests there is a stage at the end to post your results.
This part of the process includes a disclaimer stating the originating program owner will get access to your personal data and friends list; if you proceed to post your results. I don’t. I take the tests out of my own curiosity with no intention of sharing so never give access to that sort of information.
If I was more worried about Facebook and how it is used and its foibles I would mention underage users. A couple of years ago I did a search for gay men in my area. Among the results were men who liked men and wanted to meet men. One of them was the 8-year-old son of a friend I worked with.
Starting the day with an awkward conversation “Hey Phil, as you know I am gay. I looked for other gay men in my area on Facebook this morning. Best if I ask you to do this search too.” To say he was shocked as he scrolled down the page and found a pic of his 8-year-old would be an understatement. He didn’t know his son had a Facebook account. His son had not got to the age of being interested in girls so had checked interested in men. Ergo he came up in my search for gay men!
If I was to scream anything from the rooftops it would be about safeguarding children. Online grooming is already a massive problem and a gargantuan organisation like Facebook was foiled by a little boy in primary school who had a natural curiosity to see what all the Facebook fuss and interest was about.
Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.
Last week I decided that I would delete some social apps.
Ranty tweets do nothing for the health – so why not come off it for a while.
I was done with social media. Twitter had become the second thing I opened in the morning, second only to my eyes and within seconds I could feel my blood angry up.
Twitter’s “Moments” were the catalyst for my angst. The platform, which claims not to be a publisher, hires a team of people to select stories (never actually on newsworthiness) and create an incredibly biased narrative and shoves them into my timeline.
Have you ever noticed that there’s so much anger on Twitter?
It’s faux anger, fueled by hashtags that will be long forgotten when the next travesty is ‘momentised’.
But where is the anger about the mountains of plastic we consume each day? Where is the angst about the bleach we pour down millions of loos, water which eventually ends up in our oceans? Where is the outrage for the millions of acres of forest we destroy for paper products or products which contain palm oil?
Problems that actually matter, problems are extinction level events for humankind.
No, instead let’s argue about whether Ben Affleck’s back tattoo is “too much”, whether Germaine Geer is a feminist or not or whether the 30-year-old lyrics of “Do They Know It’s Christmas” are “problematic”. It’s just all so tiresome and what does all this negativity really achieve?
If you “can’t deal” Ben’s tattoo, don’t look at it. If you don’t think Germaine is woke, don’t listen to her, if the lyrics offend you, just search for how much money that song has raised for good causes. Stop shitting on everything because you have a problem with it. Today.
Enough is Enough
As I clicked the “X” above Twitter and the TWO Facebook apps, I had a pang of, actually what was that feeling? Was it desperation? Or was it relief?
Twitter is part of my work, so I knew I wasn’t going to be able to rid myself fully of the little blue bird, but I’d have to log in via a browser, which I found to be a much better experience for my mental wealth.
For the first three days, when I had a spare moment, I found myself, opening up my phone and looking for something. As I flipped through my apps, I had forgotten what I was looking for, but habit is so ingrained in our fibres, we still reach to do the thing that we always do. I guess this is withdrawal. The visual element of the Twitter / Facebook app logo had gone, but I was still looking for my connection fix.
After the fourth day, I had rediscovered the Apple news app – and started reading actual news. News that is sourced, written, analysed and curated by real-life journalists. Yes, of course, there is bias in news, but if you choose a number of outlets, one from each side of the political divide and one in the middle (or indeed a specialist or niche site, like THEGAYUK.com – plug plug) you can get variety. Like your food diet, your news diet needs variety. Consuming only one type will ultimately leave your wanting, no, needing more.
By the fifth day, I had totally forgotten about the apps and an added boon, my phone’s battery life went to last an entire day. Almost.
By the seventh day, I actually felt calmer. I felt happier. I feel less stressed.
I don’t know if I’ll be able to keep this up, but my mental wealth has boomed.
As I travelled into London on the train, I looked around the carriage and was aware that everyone, regardless of their age was hunched over their phone. Tapping away. They were all obvious to the world around them. When did we become so disconnected from the real world?
I looked out of the windows, the sun filtered through the glass. London looked beautiful. I felt happy to be alive. I felt happy to be disconnected in that moment.
So if you find yourself getting angry over nothing, put down the phone, look out your window and take a deep breath.
