THEGAYUK

Category: Comment

  • THE UNDATEABLE GAY | Goes on First Dates – Yes, THAT Channel 4 show

    THE UNDATEABLE GAY | Goes on First Dates – Yes, THAT Channel 4 show

    You can catch my date on Series one of First Dates, episode five.

    After having successive failed dates, I thought I’d try my luck in the First Dates restaurant. What did I have to lose?

    In my opening interview, I proclaim on national television that I’m a really horny person and if I see a fit man on the tube, I get a tent pole and have to cover my crotch with my man bag. Great start.

    It was a boiling hot day and as I walked into the restaurant, I was sweating like a Bombay hooker. I chose to wear a pair of shorts, hoping it wouldn’t look too casual. But to my relief, my date Lee, was also in shorts. Phew, I thought, we can both look casual together.

    I was escorted to meet Lee by the maitre’d and we awkwardly introduced ourselves. We clearly didn’t know whether we should shake hands or share a kiss on the cheek. After nearly head butting each other, we settled on the kiss on the cheek.

    We instantly found we had some common ground, discovering that we’d both worked as entertainers for holiday parks. The other mutual trait we shared were perfectly plucked pruned eyebrows. This put me off straight away as I usually like my men a bit more rugged and less manicured. I WANT to be the pretty one in a relationship.

    No surprises, I was instantly knocking back the Sauvignon Blanc. And I went straight in for direct questioning. No point beating around the bush, I always say.

    In fact, I never beat around the bush.

    Hence the fact I’m gay.

    Direct and to the point, that’s me. Just call me Jack Bauer.

    “So are you looking for a long term relationship?” I asked.

    Maybe a little forward for the first conversation but I do like to know where I stand. Even though I didn’t fancy Lee on first sight, I like to keep an open mind. You never know if the spark will come later.

    The conversation quickly moved onto kids and we both agreed we would want a boy if we were to have children.

    “I’d want a boy because girls are bitches!” I declared, whilst looking around for my Savvy B to be topped up.

    As I swigged some more of the First Dates restaurant’s savvy B, for some reason I decided it would be a good idea to tell my date that I’ve already got my wedding planned. And no word of a lie, this is what I have envisaged all of my life.

     

    I want the vicar to come up from under the pulpit on a revolving platform. And I want a disco ball spinning as I make my way down the aisle. And the best bit; my walk in song is Whitney Houston classic, ‘How will I know?’, “if he really loves me, I say a prayer with every heartbeat”.

    Really proud that I’d clearly described my wedding, I see Lee has fallen deadly silent, lost for words. A rarity with this man, let me tell you, as he loved the sound of his own voice.

    Breaking the silence, I asked, “Does it sound like a wedding for which you’d like to be the fellow groom for?”

    “NO”, he bluntly replies, “It sounds really tacky.”

    My face drops as I knock back some more wine and another deathly silence fills the table. Well, I guess I did ask.

    To break the silence, Lee asks if we should go for a cigarette. Relieved that we both smoke, I jump at the chance to grab a nicotine fix after failing to woo him with my wedding plans.

    As we puffed on our Mayfair fags (yes, classy I know), the conversation turns to our coming out stories. I came out to the world at 17, even though I don’t actually think I really needed to tell anyone because they’d all guessed that I was a raging homo. Actually, I don’t know if guessed is the right word. It just so happens that none of my friends and family are blind or deaf.

    Discussing our school years, I opened up about being bullied. God, now I know I’m quite an open and honest person but I don’t think I’d ever been quite so open and honest on a date before.

    Once upon a time, I was held down on the school field by some boys who wrote “Faggot” on my forehead in black marker pen. Yes, sad but a true story. And then I was the one who got into trouble with the Headmaster. YES, ME! He told me off for having pen on my face which wasn’t in accordance with the school uniform policy. What a bastard, although this was the 1990s. If that were to happen in this day and age, the Headmaster would get sacked for sure.

    Nicotine fix complete, we were back at the table, being served our mains when… Cue another awkward silence as I bring up the fact I had quite a religious upbringing. Believe it or not, I went to Sunday school and I was in the church choir. And I still regularly go to church now.

    “So have you never been to church?” I enquire.

    “I go for like christenings, weddings, just when I’ve got to”, was his response.

    As the conversation evolved, I fear I was a little too defensive of my old mate Jesus. After Lee called the communion wine, rancid old vinegar, I proclaimed:

    “I can’t believe you just dissed Jesus’ blood!”

    That quote will follow me around for years to come as I saw it quoted on Twitter hundreds of times the night the programme went to air.

    “Maybe we shouldn’t discuss religion”, I sensibly suggested as I grabbed the waiter’s attention to get some more wine. And no, I didn’t ask for rancid old vinegar.

    Note to self: Don’t talk about religion, wedding plans or being bullied on first dates. It creates too many awkward silences.

    During my closing interview, the producers were plying me with wine. Trying to get me pissed they were. Attempting to loosen my lips even more so than they usually are.

    I proclaimed that I didn’t really fancy him but if there was the option, I’d probably go home to bed with him.

    SLUT.

    I think our final conversation on camera summed up our date perfectly.

    LEE: I think you’re really nice. BUT… we are too alike personality wise.

    ME: It would be like shagging myself if I shagged you.

    LEE: Just a better-looking version.

    Cue my pursed lips.

    Even television can’t guarantee this undateable gay a future of love. Maybe I should try Blind Date next…

  • Valley Boys Like Boys – Growing up Gay in the Welsh Valleys

    Valley Boys Like Boys – Growing up Gay in the Welsh Valleys

    As I drive through the Welsh town of Pontypool I’ve lived in since I was born, with a population of approximately 36,000 people, I’m surprised to see a rainbow flag flying high outside the civic centre in the middle of the town. It’s LGBT history month, but the flag doesn’t just stay up during February. Instead, it has become a permanent feature, flying proudly with the Welsh flag and the European Union flag.

    Whilst the future of the flying European flag is uncertain, the rainbow flag is there to stay. In this tiny Welsh town, it is almost historic. I’m a 23-year-old Welsh boy that struggled with coming to terms with my sexuality.

    Wales’ track record of LGBT rights is a little bit hazy, but in 2018 The National Assembly for Wales was recognised as the top employer in Wales for LGBT employees. This sort of movement is quite a good sign of how Wales has changed over the years. We have gay clubs that are thriving, venues that host drag queen shows, and the smaller towns are beginning to accept what is normal. Just last year, Newbridge Memorial Hall hosted a drag queen event.

    Growing up gay in Wales, I found it incredibly difficult. The town I live in is rather behind the times: we have poverty, we have more empty shops than booming ones, and the people who live here are rather set in their ways. We’re a country run mostly by Labour, yet my area voted leave, and many conversations I hear are in support of a Tory government and a hard Brexit.

    As I grew up, the rather cliché saying of ‘knowing I was different’ rang true. I didn’t get along with ‘the lads’. I’d rather stand on the railings singing Girls Aloud – mainly Nicola’s lines; I was always Nicola – than play football. I got taunted for being a ‘girl’.

    It hurt, but being young I didn’t really know what that meant. Then, through secondary school, I experienced almost daily taunts of ‘gay boy’, ‘faggot’ and ‘bender’. As puberty kicked in and feelings for guys intensified, so did the bullying, as hormones raged in every teenage boy in school, and the idea of a ‘queer’ being anywhere near them repulsed them. I remember experiencing comments from teachers. PE teachers would always treat me like a stereotypical ‘gay boy’ that would rather be brushing my hair than learning the rules of football. I remember a few of my PE classmates disappearing for a class to go on a drama trip. To snickers from the rest of my class, my teacher said, “so all the poofs have gone off to watch show tunes.”

    No one blinked an eye at this comment.

    Lisa McNally is a mother from Cwmbran, South Wales. She witnessed her son, Lewis, now twenty years of age, experience homophobic bullying. She agreed to talk to me to discuss her son’s bullying, as she thought it was important that parents who are aware of their children’s sexuality should be there to support them. “I have a son who grew up in Cwmbran and attended the local comprehensive school. He endured daily abuse from his peers and from the teachers. When I attended the school, I was informed by several teachers that Lewis should not tell people he was gay, and that he wouldn’t be bullied.”

    When Lisa questioned why such a comment had been made, the teachers told her that her son would not be received well in the community. “I was told to remember that Cwmbran was still a village and ‘forcing the gay agenda’ wasn’t warmly received.”

    “I have walked through school with Lewis to chants of ‘faggot’, ‘gay boy’, ‘bummer’, and I have endured this when walking through the town centre with Lewis, too. He ignores them. I found it hard to do so.”

    Such was the regularity of her son’s bullying that Lisa visited the school Lewis attended in the hopes of stopping his heavy bullying. “I have walked through school with Lewis to chants of ‘faggot’, ‘gay boy’, ‘bummer’, and I have endured this when walking through the town centre with Lewis, too. He ignores them. I found it hard to do so.”

    Lisa notes, however, that when the pair shopped in Cardiff, there were no comments and barely any stares from the people in the city centre. It paints an image that whilst city centres were more forward thinking, small Welsh towns were still very much being left behind. Due to Lewis’ bullying, he dropped out of school and left with no education. Lisa described that her son felt suicidal, and whilst better now, he did suffer with depression. Lewis said that ‘being made to go to school every day’ made him feel vulnerable, and his experience was a ‘living hell’.

    Once I was out of school, like Lewis, I began to accept who I was and embrace it. It wasn’t until I started working as an eighteen-year-old that I was confident to admit that feelings for guys were there. I began by admitting to my friends. Yet I was still afraid of declaring that I was gay; the liberation of saying I liked both sexes was a step in the right direction.

    Matthew Cleverly, an actor originally from Pontypool but moved to London to study, realised he was bisexual when meeting a group of like-minded individuals. Being in the same year as me in the same school, Matthew and I observed the treatment of those individuals that did ‘come out’. ‘Looking back I remember a few of my friends coming out as LGBTQ+ and although some were accepted by friendship groups and families relatively easily, others were harassed, bullied and rejected.’

    Matthew reflects that as he grew up in the Welsh valleys, he suppressed a part of himself. “I didn’t grow up queer in Wales. It was only after I moved out that I realised what was always there. I’d moved to London to go to drama school, and was also, at that point in a four-year relationship with a girl. It wasn’t until I was given the freedom to move away from the judgement of a small-town, Welsh community, and was thrust into a supportive, creative environment, in which I had to constantly self-analyse, that I began to discover and accept the other side of myself.

    “I realised that I had taken the path of least resistance my whole life,” Matthew continues. “And although the relationships I had were real and loving, I hadn’t been fully there because I was always concealing a piece of myself – even from myself.”

    Matthew believes that part of his reasoning for not acknowledging his bisexuality was because of a lack of LGBT role models. ‘Not having strong queer role models definitely aided in me not coming out for so long. In a place such as small-town Wales, feeling different can be so much more isolating, because you can’t see anything beyond your circumstance. It’s important to remember that although you may feel you’re not in the right place now, you will find your tribe eventually, and they will love you for exactly who you are.’

    Finding my own tribe was a key feature in my acceptance. Some of my best friends were also ‘experimenting’ with the same gender, and being able to talk honestly to people after so many years of hiding feelings was like a freedom movement.

    rihaij / Pixabay

    At eighteen, I began to go out on the nightclub scene. In the town of Newport, I’d regularly have a group of same-dressed looking boys glaring at me from across the dance floor as I dared sing along to Miley Cyrus. I’d have people double take when they saw me kiss a man. Going out on nights out in my hometown was a whole other story. When waiting at the cash point one night, stood alone and not doing anything remotely attention seeking, a guy across the road shouted at me, “OI, FAGGOT!” Mature and annoyed by this, I turned to leave. But he wasn’t done. He shouted, “Yeah, that’s right. Fuck off before I punch you.”

    At the same time, I discovered Cardiff’s gay scene. With new friends, I would go out and play the field. Cardiff was a lot more liberating than that of Pontypool or Newport.

    Jennie Scrivin, from Pontypool, found solace in Cardiff’s gay scene when she was discovering that she was a lesbian. “There wasn’t a lot of gay people when I was growing up. Coming out was hard. Would I be accepted? I’d spend every night out on the gay scene, but that was in bigger cities, not my little town. I felt like I finally fitted in.”

    At eighteen, Jennie came out and is now in a relationship. Older, and out, Jennie remarks that attitudes are beginning to change. “It’s not a taboo word anymore. I just hope it continues to become more and more accepted.”

    I have to stress that growing up during my teenage years, I really did find it difficult to come to terms with who I was. I turned to a blade to keep my emotions at bay, and to cope with who I was I regularly sought solace in online webcam sites, where there were men and teenagers like me that felt the same. As I got older, I accepted who I was. I soon admitted that I was gay, rather than bisexual, and when I told my parents, they really couldn’t care less. I think my dad nodded and then said, “What do you want from the chip shop?”

    Small Welsh towns still have a lot to do to promote inclusivity. When working in a pub in the town in 2016, I would regularly hear homophobic slurs. To the people saying them, they were just jokes. But to a gay bartender who had overheard, I had to bite my tongue. To promote inclusivity, Welsh towns could support those who are growing up gay that may feel afraid to tell anyone who they are. When I was younger, there were no support groups. Whilst I suspect many older adults such as teachers realised I was gay before me, I was never questioned on it in a nice way or made to feel like I could talk to someone about how I felt.

    Yet every time I drive past the rainbow flag in the centre of my small town, I feel that sense of pride. I remember that there are people there that accept me for who I am and that flying a flag of many colours not only represents the gay people in my town, but the lesbian, bisexual, transgender and the queer community.

    A small Welsh town that I call home is opening their arms and embracing change, and that is something we must all support.

  • Taking A Toy Boy To Silverstone With Toyota GB

    Taking A Toy Boy To Silverstone With Toyota GB

    Toy Boy Toyota

    ‘He’s my toy boy, toy boy. I’m out with my toy boy, toy boy. And when I get to take him home, I know he’s gonna love me right’

    Now don’t worry, I’ve not lost the plot. I was fortunate one week in February to be given the keys to Toyota GB’s Mk1 MR2. It came with Toyota’s state of the art cassette player and I found a mixtape with Sinitta’s hit ‘Toy Boy’ and if ever there was a song that suited a car, it was this.

    It all started after I contacted Graham from Toyota press about a future article I was planning to write about the MR2 Vs Fiat X1/9. He suggested I come over, collect the car and take it to an event Toyota GB had organised at Silverstone with the Vintage Sports-Car Club (VSCC) called the Parallel Pomeroy Trophy. It dates back 70 years and was devised to find the best GT car. For Toyota, it consisted of 4 tests. I couldn’t really say no now could I.

    All that was needed was to collect the car and pay the £30 entry fee that was going towards Toyota’s chosen charity for the past couple of years, Guide Dogs for the Blind. Toyota has been sponsoring the training of 4 dogs and lifetime costs of one. That’s around £55,000. https://www.guidedogs.org.uk

    The MR2 was collected and a look around some of the heritage fleet Toyota keep was shown. The MR2 was a lovely little car and had undergone an extensive restoration that also came with some words of advise about being sympathetic to the newly built engine. So no pressure there then considering the weekend Toyota had planned!

    Tests centred around a slalom handling course, flat out short distance and a series of forward-backward-forward etc strip where you had to stop within the boundaries of some pre-set cones. Penalties were issued if you messed it up. Suffice to say, I did. Twice! Annoyingly. 

    In total, there were 38 Toyota’s ranging from a 1971 Corolla coupe to the 2018 Yaris GRNM with everything in-between included 4 generations of Prius and a Hilux. All this was made even more serious when we were issued with number decals to apply to our cars. All road going cars (the rules stated that ALL entrants must be road legal) were instantly turned into race cars. Applying numbers to a car just makes them racy. The MR2 had sharp looks, an engine making borborygmi noises behind you and sporting potential to start with. The immaculate 1973 Crown estate however didn’t. 

    That said, it didn’t stop Eddie Bellringer beating me and the MR2. His times showed commitment at EVERY level. If I’m honest, I got beaten by practically everything out there including Steve Cropley from Autocar magazine in an Mk1 Prius. That said, Alan Bradley from the Motoring Podcast, in his Yaris GRMN, also got beaten by the Crown Estate.

    This was the first Parallel Pomeroy event PR and social media manager, Scott Brownlee and his team had organised and it went very well, even down to the weather. There was however only two Toyota PR team members taking it for the team. Product and technical, Mr Richard Seymour in an iQ and PR student, Mary Nicholls in a Prius. She also beat me in a Prius.  

    Well, let’s not leave you in suspense. Richard in the iQ won. The smallest car with the smallest engine with the impossibility of positioning a car with a cone within the wheelbase won the event. Which went to show that Richard of product and technical either knew his stuff and the iQ or it was a fix? Either way, it’s a long way to fall when you are at the top, I’m wondering what Toyota could put him in next time.

    An MR2 perhaps?

    As for me, it was a blast and a really good day was had by all those who attended. So it is with great thanks to the Toyota GB team for letting me have the MR2 for a few days prior to the event. 

  • This is how you can be a better non-binary ally

    This is how you can be a better non-binary ally

    Six ways we can all become a better ally to our gender non-conforming siblings.

    Not everything is binary… kerplode / Pixabay

    Last year I happened upon this Tweet during Trans Awareness week and it got me thinking…

    Also on twitter, stop assuming people’s pronouns based on their profile pic and your binary stereotypes.

    Read their profile. Check their pronouns. Don’t assume.

    And while you’re there, put your own pronouns in your profile.

    Normalise that shit ✨#TransAwarenessWeek

    — Thal (@thalestral) November 12, 2018

    Let me tell you about my own gender expression before we go on. I don’t think of myself as a “man” because I don’t really fit into what society expects of its men. When I was a child all I wanted to do was be called a girl, wear high heels, my mum’s dresses and sing Petula Clark’s ‘Downtown’ on repeat.

    I was a Grade A queer/trans kid. As an adult I couldn’t admit that to anyone outside my immediate family. I was so shamed by this behaviour – and bullied mercilessly at school when I chose to wear the white, patterned “girls’” socks instead of the regulation grey socks for boys.

    Nowadays, I dress in masculine clothes, I have a boyfriend, I have short hair and people assume that I’m a man and a gay one at that. I enjoy the privileges that, for the most part, that assumed identity affords me. But, it never really feels right when someone refers to me in that way.

    That said, I don’t mind if people use the pronouns him/his or he when they refer to me. Although it does jar me if someone calls me a man. Weird.

    I also don’t mind it if I’m referred to with female pronouns.

    I’m pretty relaxed about the pronouns that are used to describe me.

    But for some, words really matter. So here’s some advice to help us all become better allies to our non-binary, gender non-conforming siblings.

    Open your ears and mind

    via GIPHY

    It seems that we’ve all got our lives set to transmit only. We need more receiving in our lives. So when someone is telling you something about them, listen.

    Leave your assumptions at the door

    via GIPHY

    Someone once wisely told me, “Assumptions are the mother of all fuck-ups” – and they were completely right. How often have you assumed something about a situation only to find that nothing was as you imagined? Pretty often, right?

    Your assumptions are based on your own life experience. It doesn’t take into account other people’s experience. So leave your assumptions at the door and again, open your mind.

    Respect pronouns

    rawpixel / Pixabay

    If a person tells you what their preferred pronoun is, accept it don’t fight it. It’s what they’ve asked you to call them. The decision is effectively out of your hands. It’s the same as when someone tells you their name. You accept it and it becomes part of their identity. Well, pronouns are the same.

    Accept that there are lots of different pronouns

    via GIPHY

    Some non-binary, gender fluid and gender non-conforming folks use a number of different pronouns. Some popular ones are: Zim/Zer and Ze, they/them and theirs or even thon, which was actually added to the dictionary in 1964. They as a singular pronoun has been used for centuries.It’s not particularly new, it’s not trend based, it’s just getting a lot of media attention at the moment.

    Stop normalising gender norms

    via GIPHY

    Blue for boys, Pink for girls… gender stereotyping is all so the 1950s and really doesn’t work for today’s society. No one likes living in a predefined box and we don’t live in a black and white world. There’s a whole rainbow out there.

    Gender norms and stereotypes, when adhered to, just keeps society attached to a patriarchal system that’s almost impossible to climb and doesn’t work for all of us, particularly LGBT+ people. So lets bin it shall we?

    Write your own pronouns

    via GIPHY

    Normalise the conversation surrounding pronouns. Write your preferred pronouns in your social media profiles. As @thalestral says on Twitter, “normalise that shit”.

  • Obituary: Sharon Bottoms Mattes, the woman whose court case changed LGBT+ parenting

    Obituary: Sharon Bottoms Mattes, the woman whose court case changed LGBT+ parenting

    The sad passing of Sharon Bottoms Mattes, 48, in January this year shone a spotlight on LGBT+ rights in the 21st century, and how far attitudes and family law have changed abroad and in the UK.

    jarmoluk / Pixabay

    In what was a terrible example of the injustice to same-sex couples and their children is the American 1994 case involving Mattes, who lost custody of her son after the court ruled that she was an unfit mother because she was in a same-sex relationship. The details of this case are as shocking today as they were at the time.

    In the UK, societal attitudes towards same-sex parents has changed considerably over the past 25 years. Thank goodness, because this has been both to the benefit of couples, children and the emotional welfare of other family members.

    Yet family law is struggling to keep up with what some have deemed to be the ‘modern family’, and unfortunately prejudice and inequality still remains for LGBT+ couples and parents.

    Of course, in the last 25 years so much has changed. Civil partnerships were introduced in 2005. This was followed by same-sex marriage in 2014. This granted the same rights as married heterosexuals. This ended the appalling treatment same-sex couples had received. For those in a civil partnership or same- sex marriage who have a child both parents have parental responsibility. Yet there is still inequality that exists.

    Same-sex married couples, unlike heterosexual spouses are unable to cite adultery as a ground for divorce.

    Since 2005 unmarried couples were given the right to adopt. Equalities legislation passed in 2006 to ensure that there would be no discrimination on the grounds of sexual orientation when going through the adoption process.

    When it comes to surrogacy, same-sex couples can apply for a parental order if they have their child via a surrogate and one parent is genetically related to the child. If couples are not in a civil partnership or married they must be living as partners in an enduring family relationship if they wish to apply jointly.

    Single parents have been able to apply since 3 January 2019. Yet our surrogacy law are dangerously behind when it comes to the needs of modern families, leaving couples vulnerable to exploitation or worse, losing their child.

    It is important that family law keeps up with the needs of families today, and continues to progress so LGBT couples and their families hold equal rights.

    Linda Lamb, Solicitor and Director at LSL Family Law

  • The Good, the Bad and The Ugly. Corsa C 2000 – 2006

    The Good, the Bad and The Ugly. Corsa C 2000 – 2006

    The Vauxhall Corsa C 2000 – 2006

    An irrelevant look at a certain car.

     

    You’ll be glad to have read that this Corsa was only available for six years. In the big scheme of motoring giants, six years is a pretty short notice and they only change the car that quickly if it just so happened to be crap.

    Well, dear reader, your luck is in. They were. There wasn’t much to recommend about the Corsa C and yet, in the UK at least, it was a big seller. From 2002 to 2005 it was always in the top 3 on the sales charts but that doesn’t mean anything. Celine Dion’s Titanic song spent way too long in the charts and that was shit. Thankfully our Cher kept it from being the top-selling single of 98. 

    Speaking of the great white hope of the ocean, one thing Corsa C did well was taking in water. These little Titanic’s of GM were exceptionally good at this, they let water in both at the front by the fuse box (water and electrics are such a good mix) and around the rear lights. Take that Titanic and your single gash!

    This did dampen Corsa C drivers’ spirits. Sorry, I couldn’t resist. Left unchecked, the water would pile in and the mould pile up and out. I’ve seen many Corsa C’s with all the penicillin you can eat on the seats! It’s like infection control on wheels. MRSA, dead in a Corsa C. C-Diff? Don’t make me laugh. Doesn’t stand a chance. You might get Legionnaires disease from all that stagnant water, but only one to six out of 20 die from that, so the odds are pretty good on survival. And remember, Corsa C is packed with antibiotics.

    To understand if your Corsa C has a water problem, you need to drive it with vigour. Here was the problem. It wasn’t very nice to drive. The interiors were pretty much all grey in colour and that sort of summed up Corsa C. 

    Engines were standard units of GM-type (I’m sort of losing the will to type now) but the three-cylinder did have a nice trick up its sleeve. It vibrated through the bloated body causing motion sickness to the point where you either stopped or chundered into the pool of sogginess in the footwell, adding something new to the cesspit that is also called the passengers’ footwell.  

    I suppose if I have to give Corsa C one selling point, it would be the boot opening. It was large and practical for a hatchback-cum-driveway skip. What followed with Corsa D was worse.

    But I’m talking Corsa C and it’s a bad car. Catch the bus.

    Liked this check out:

    Toyota Yaris 1999 – 2005: Good, Bad or Ugly?

    VW Polo 2002-2009: Good, Bad or Ugly?

  • 5 ways to look sexy on a first date

    5 ways to look sexy on a first date

    Columnist Scott Sammons gives us hard-earned life lessons on how to look sexy for a hot date.

    rawpixel.com at Pexels

    In my last article, I wrote about all the things you can do to look about as sexy as the mud-covered posterior of a Rhino (appreciating that other rhinos may find you/that attractive – each to their own). In this article, however, I’d like to share with you some techniques for how to be sexy on a first date, remembering that sexy is all in the mind so this isn’t just about how to make yourself ‘look sexy’ physically.

    Wear something that compliments you

    Free-Photos / Pixabay

    If, like me, you watch Gok Wan and listen to his wise teachings as if he was Jesus Christ reborn (no… just me? OK…) then you’ll know that there are a number of things you can do to dress for you without completely changing your wardrobe and not be you anymore.

    What we wear is often a reflection of our personality, so I am not saying that you should go out and buy totally new stuff just to impress a boy – far from it. But instead, wear things that make you feel comfortable and confident. For me personally, I avoid white tops at the moment because all they do is remind me that I’m carrying 2 children and it’s about time the little buggers came out as they have been brewing for almost 4 years now. Therefore I often wear black, with some sort of jacket/overshirt to reflect my body shape and emphasise what I want emphasising. Regardless of your fashion, if you go out in something that you are comfortable with and feel confident/OK in, then you are in a good position to charm/impress your date.

    Put on those lucky pants

    CREDIT: NYPhotoboy-bigstock

    People say they don’t have lucky pants, but they do. Everyone does. We may not call them lucky pants, we may instead just call them pants that make us feel comfortable or a little bit sexy. For me, it’s a jock. I don’t wear one with the expectation that it will be seen, I’m a ‘top’ after all so all expectations are it’ll be wasted on the majority of people, but when I wear one I feel confident and remotely sexy (emphasis on the word remotely). And then the twins kick and I’m reminded that I’m carrying a male pregnancy. These twins are a wonder to modern science they really are. Also, I’m pretty sure the father owes me A LOT of child maintenance…

    I digress. The point is to wear something only you know is there to help remind you that you are sexy, you can feel sexy, and that sexy feeling is more for your benefit than it is theirs. If it benefits them, all the better! Sometimes that sexy feeling is more about how you feel than what you appear to them.

    You really do need to ensure good hygiene.

    The only thing I’ll mention in terms of physical body appearance is hygiene. There are days when we just feel yucky and no matter what we do we cannot shift it. Having said that there are some basic levels of hygiene that we can all engage with to make a good impression. For example, after a long day, we can often smell a little. Either literally or because it’s been a heavy coffee day and the breath is a little lacking. Small things like a little aftershave or a chewing gum can easily correct it and don’t then play on your, or your dates, minds.

    Anyone who says that hygiene isn’t important and people should accept you for who you are, warts n all, is a liar. As human beings, we all expect basic levels of hygiene (with some mitigating circumstances) so if you rock up smelling like a gym bag and have the breath of a 100 a day coffee drinking smoker then don’t be surprised if your date becomes distracted by it.

    Do something that makes you feel confident before heading in.

    StockSnap / Pixabay

    Have you ever watched the Olympics or other sport and noticed that they often come onto the pitch or competition area and are wearing headphones? (Or are you just perving at the tight costumes they wear – I don’t blame you if so). They are listening to something called ‘an anchor’. An anchor is a piece of music (or anything else for that matter) then when they listen to it, it fills them with the desired feeling.

    In my case, as I’m the author here so I’m going to make this all about me, I listen to a particular remix of Jessie J’s ‘Domino’. Before going on a night out, a date, a ‘hookup’, or whatever I stick that on and I am instantly taken to a memory of being confident “sexy and free”. Therefore if there is something that would remind you of such a feeling, use it. Confidence is one of the sexiest things around but also one of the most elusive things. We can often let our nerves get the better of us and that awkward nervous energy can start to remove what sexiness exists. As a little trick, therefore, give yourself a little confidence and create your own anchor to help you get it.

    Have that one friend that will tell you the truth.

    On most occasions when I am going on a date I don’t tell another living soul. It’s just easier that way as it’s fewer people to explain it to if it goes bad and fewer people poking their noses in on ‘how it went’ before it has even finished. Having said that, however, you should have that one friend you can tell and that one friend you ask their opinion on about what to wear etc. From a personal safety point of view, it’s a good idea anyway, but that friend can also say you look good (adds to the confidence) or recommend some changes to make you look even better (also adds to the confidence).

    And if they are a particularly good friend they can even calm the nerves and offer a friendly slap round the face if the nerves get too much and you talk yourself out of going.

    Above all, do try to enjoy your date. Regardless of everything else. Life is too short to over-analyse your dates and spend your night fretting. What will be, will be. Roll with it and just see what happens.

  • How not to look sexy on a first date

    How not to look sexy on a first date

    Writer Scott Sammons takes us through the basic don’ts (and he’s got four years of experience apparently) if you’re trying to be sexy on a first date… Buckle up.

    Gay couple
    CREDIT: mast3r-bigstock

    For those of you that follow me on social media (@i_scotty in case you’re interested), you know that I am very much a single pringle currently (partly through my own choice) and have been on a number of dates over the last four years now (four years – wow, how time flies!). This means I’ve picked up a few things about how to not look sexy while on a date, plus a few other hints and tips. Namely, because I seem to have mastered the art of not looking sexy recently.

    So fellow singletons (and people that just fancy a laugh) indulge me a little while I take you on some tales of woe on how not to look sexy on a date (followed by another blog post with tips on how to look sexy on a date).

    Do recount details and stories about your ex

    via GIPHY

    There are some cardinal rules on what to do and not do on a date. For example, spending more than five minutes talking about your ex(s) (or talking about them at all) is as far from sexy as you can humanly get. However, it is an easy trap to fall in to. So our first entry for how to not look sexy on a date is to talk about taboo subjects like your ex/politics/the offside rule (but like I know what that is)/your rather itchy and sore piles.

    This wasn’t me I hasten to add, but instead a lovely (albeit eager and inexperienced) young man I once dated. I say ‘dated’, it was one date and this was just one of a number of errors on his part.

    Some of them not his fault I might add, with experience we just learn these things.

    The evening started well enough, a civilised drink in a small pub near where we both live. The conversation went through the usual small talk before, as you do when conversation flows, you start to get on to the more interesting subjects. However, this young man made a bit of jump from one subject (I can’t remember what so we shall say it was food) to the subject of how his ex used to fret and control what he ate on a daily basis. Now I have nothing but sympathy for the guy as it sounded like a taxing relationship but at the same time, he spent a good hour on the subject despite my best efforts to move the conversation on. I’m not saying it’s never to be discussed, but that’s a conversation for a later date, not date number one. So while you should bring up exes on dates at some point, date one is far from sexy! For all sorts of reasons, the ex-factor is never sexy…

    Run to your date because you’re late (and don’t pack an umbrella)

    via GIPHY

    The last time I went speed dating I took a friend with me as he needed cheering up and, as I’ve told him many times, he needed to get out of his own head and just meet people other than those on Grindr. If you’ve not been speeding dating, I highly recommend. A great experience, and even if you find no one you get to meet people and realise you’re not the only one out there thinking that all men must die… sorry, I meant all men are perfectible datable. Silly me!

    This particular event was occurring in London in the evening in a bar somewhere outside Kings Cross. I had been working all day, it was raining and I had to use the sauna known as the Central line in order to get across town. As you can imagine, therefore, I turned up to the said event looking a little bit like a drowned harassed rat that, I suspect, also smelt a little bit as it had been a very long day and I had to run because I was late.

    I appreciate that some men enjoy the ‘manly musk’, and indeed so do I from time to time, but at a speed dating event, it is not the best place to release the locker room level smell. I was, for want of a better word, a real catch…

    To my surprise, I didn’t really get any matches or follow-ups. Not because of my stunning good looks or personality (pfft) but because I looked like someone that had been drowned, whipped, sat on by 100 rugby players after a match and probably smelt like the arse end of a gym bag. Or rather, that’s what I chose to believe otherwise I really am ugly and have an awful personality (don’t laugh, I can hear you from here!).

    Talk about politics and tell me the wonders of why you are right and I’m wrong.

    via GIPHY

    This point is a little political, but it isn’t meant to be per se. Politics is just not sexy to most people so it’s always a risky area to venture in to. If you know me you know that I am a firm advocate of debate, however, there is a limit to this and a long lecture on what you are right and I am wrong is not something that I would consider sexy (or decent behaviour) by any man’s standards.

    This particular date started off well enough (as they all do). I knew that he did have certain ‘leanings’ but I personally don’t think that in of itself is a turn-off. But as the evening went on the conversation kept coming back to his points of view time and time again. One particular view, that of our Transexual brothers and sisters, was particularly interesting. We started talking about the issues they face and the lack of support from the community and he went into a bit of a party political broadcast on why it was all nonsense. As you can imagine by this point, my goal was no longer to find a soul mate but now more to shut down the close-minded gentleman and finish my drink. (I did write another name for him there but I decided to remove it because I’m not a child – but I am thinking it!!). Everyone has different views on all things, and I certainly don’t believe partners should agree on all things (as that’s just boring – personally I find a good debating partner a massive turn on). But when you start ramming your views down your date’s neck shortly after meeting then there is, to be blunt, something seriously unsexy about you.

    Some people may like that, but most of the people I speak to don’t. I’m not entirely sure where I found this one, must have been Grindr as I passed the local conservative club (now that was political…!!).

    Eat that really messy food and share it with half your face.

    via GIPHY

    I like sticky messy food as much as the next man, this may also explain why I’ll never be a clothing model. But on the first few dates maybe having the large rack of ribs, or the spaghetti bolognese, lobster or other hands-on messy foods isn’t a good idea. Get to know the other person first, then maybe on date 3 or 4 you can both be messy and have a laugh about it.

    This ‘sin’ was very much done by me as I really fancied spaghetti, forgetting completely that my method of eating spaghetti resembled that of a cat trying to eat spaghetti. I tried and I tried to be civilised about it, using the spoon and the fork to wrap or cut up the spaghetti but the harder I tried to not come across a grown adult that can’t handle is spaghetti the more I just dug a hole for myself.

    Luckily the guy I was on a date with was fairly humorous about it and I became the butt of a joke or two (adds to the charm of the evening I find) but ultimately I didn’t get a second date and food mishaps can backfire quite spectacularly. Messy food equals a messy date – avoid avoid avoid!

    Flirt with the barman.

    via GIPHY

    Call me old fashioned, but on a date I want to feel a little bit wooed, charmed and something that resembles a smile on your face as you leave. I don’t want to be left waiting, go hungry because you ate before coming (even though we are meeting for dinner) and spend 20 minutes waiting for you on my own at the table because you’ve gone off to the bar to get drinks and spend 15 minutes flirting with the barman.

    Yes, boys and girls, I can safely say that this particular date made even the great Cilla Black turn in her grave as a golden example of how to not look even remotely sexy in the eyes of your date.

    We did eventually eat and there was eventually a sense of ‘charm’ in the air but by this point, it was a case of too little, too late. There are a few things in there that wouldn’t make you even remotely sexy in someone’s eyes – being rude, being late and being about as charming as a dinner with Katie Hopkins.

    Respect, in my book at least, is one of the sexiest qualities in a man. Debate me, respect me and charm me and I’m yours (and people say I’m picky…).

    I’m not going to go into other physical things to do or not to do with regards to looking sexy on a date because everyone finds what is sexy so wildly different. I, personally, think to turn up for a date looking like a fashion disaster hit Popeye the sailor man to be ‘unsexy’. But to others, you could be sex on legs in your badly fitted, camp as tits, slightly over-worn Popeye outfit. Each to their own and who I am to rob someone of that.

    But what I will say is that we all have our dates where we come across as miles away from sexy. And that’s fine, we live and we learn, and ultimately we have a laugh. I now have hundreds of stories to share with my Pussy over a glass of wine (or to bore you all with) as a dull date where nothing happens is about as fun as an episode of Antiques Roadshow.

    So with that I say keep an eye out for the next article on how to look sexy on a date, some tips from a thirty-something serial dater that has tried and tested many a method to share with you (and yet is still single… not really sure how I ended up with this as an article idea).

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  • The Good, The bad and the Ugly. Toyota Yaris 1999 – 2005

    The Good, The bad and the Ugly. Toyota Yaris 1999 – 2005

    The Good, The Bad and the Ugly.

    Embed from Getty Images

    An irrelevant look at a certain car.

    The Toyota Yaris 1999 – 2005

    The Toyota Yaris, the Greek goddesses of charm and beauty. Well not quite. According to Wikipedia, “Yaris” is derived from “Charis”, the singular for Charites. And this thankfully is as complicated as Toyota’s little toaster on wheels gets.

    Her beauty didn’t last long because you might have noticed that almost ALL Yaris’s have a dented panel below the rear bumper. You do wonder if they actually came from the factory like that.

    OK, I’m being unfair and what I am about to write pretty much gives the game away. The Yaris isn’t a bad car. And despite its oddball looks, it’s not ugly either. Here is a car that was miles away from the dull forgettable Starlet that it replaced. You might want to Google “Starlet” because you would have forgotten what it looked like by now.

    Walk around the Yaris and you’ll greet its cutesy looks with affection. Its rounded face and slabby sides were in keeping with the populous of the time in that we were all getting a bit portly. What we needed was to walk more. What you needed was a car that broke down.

    Embed from Getty Images

    The Yaris didn’t break down. You just couldn’t stop the bloody things. So reliable were they, that they won customer satisfaction awards all over the place. Here was a city car that didn’t cost much to buy, cost even less to run and could be abused like no other car. If ever there was a car that made the manufacture absolutely no money in after sales, here it is.

    Getting inside was a doodle too. Big wide doors on the 3 door, or slightly smaller doors on the 5 door, opened up the grey cabin. The driving position was high too. It gave good visuals and speaking of visuals, it also came with a far-out digital pod, slap-bang in the middle of the dashboard. This was a revelation. Digital displays were still alienating customers, others had tried and failed. Toyota gave a 2 finger salute and shoved it in there. It worked. It was crystal clear. You couldn’t wish for anything better.

    Embed from Getty Images

    And the ride wasn’t that bad either for a shopping cart. It all worked well. So you would expect this to be a massive sales flop. A little Toyota with a high driving position that’s easy to get into, surely only the granny brigade bought these. Absolutely not. It was universally approved by all.  

    There is no escaping it, the Yaris is a good car. 

  • Ford: Spending some time with the old gang

    Ford: Spending some time with the old gang

    Heritage is Everything

    THEGAYUK were invited to visit Ford UK’s heritage centre to check out the delights that lay hidden in Dagenham. Finally, the threat of a visit with Charlotte was finalised and l had the pleasure of spending a few hours at the site with the very informative Ivan who oversees the repairs and restorations of the cars.

    Classic cars account for quite a big market in the UK and the world. Indeed you only need to look at the latest car shows to see old bangers being given new leases of life buy some mechanics that to be quite honest are as much of the eye candy on screen as the cars are. I’ll spare their blushes, however, there are three that l professionally stalk on Twitter.   

    It was quite strange driving around the Dagenham site. The place isn’t what it once was with car manufacturing sadly being undertaken elsewhere but you get lost in a vast size of the site, the dreams that were made at Ford, the labour upheavals and who could forget the 1968 strike by the ladies of the sewing room who made the seat covers. Apparently, Vera Sime, Dora Challingsworth and the ladies were quite a handful but their strike action resulted in the Equal Pay Act of 1970.

    So to Ford UK, I go to check out their shed of dreams. I don’t mean to be rude when l call it a shed, the standing joke is that it is just that, found on the outskirts of the Dagenham site. I’d heard about the shed before and only seen pictures of what it was like. Entering the shed took me right back to the ’80s with an Mk2 Fiesta that greets you at the door.

    You then walk around the corner and there are the dreams Ford wished upon you back in the day. It was like looking into a box of Quality Street, all these gems hidden under plastic covers. It’s a sight to be seen and despite there being almost every Ford l grew up with being there, this is only a small part of the show. 

    It was interesting to see The Focus in almost all its generations being tickled with the polish ready for shipping to Germany for the launch of the new 4th generation Focus. Ford Germany don’t have what we have in the UK you might be surprised to know.

    Ivan and his team were more than happy to explain what was going on and despite the backing by the FoMoCo, they too also suffer from what every classic car fan does and that’s lack of available parts. You would have thought Ford could just make them up again, sadly that isn’t the case. 

    Thankfully for Ivan and his team, there is Burton Ford who specialise in Ford replacement parts and a good network globally that can help. And that’s what it all comes down to, enthusiasm and a support network. And it’s that network that has helped Ford GB create an enviable array of its past history and a part that I hope to enjoy over the next year.

    Trouble is, what do I want to savour first?  

    Many thanks to corporate affairs manager, Charlotte Ward and Ivan for the invite and time given.

  • The Good, The Bad and the Ugly: Volkswagen Polo 2002 – 2009

    The Good, The Bad and the Ugly: Volkswagen Polo 2002 – 2009

    The Good, The Bad and the Ugly: VW Polo

    An irrelevant look at a certain car.

    Volkswagen Polo 2002 – 2009

    VW’s Polo has just reached its Mk 6 status and the little Polo has gone from strength to strength, once being the smallest and cheapest way into VW. And then Polo became a proper VW and a new smaller car was available, thus pushing Polo to another stratosphere in VW ownership. It’s all gone well for Polo except.

    Back in 2002, the MK 4 Polo arrived. It was ALL NEW, all sparkly and dull as ditch water. Changing the front indicator was probably as exciting as it could get.

    It wasn’t a bad car, it didn’t necessarily achieve great showroom appeal, but it did sell in vast numbers with most being painted silver. The new colour for the millennium so I am lead to believe. And the Polo did what you needed it to be. It was a small car with large dimensions in as much as it just got fat as was typical of VW’s ethos back then. 

    Polo was well built. It carried the VW traditions quite well. Wasn’t know for falling apart, could take some serious bodily abuse and never see a welders torch. It was what Polo customers wanted. A quality car that stood for something even if it was lacking in entertainment on almost every level. You could also fool people by replacing the VW badge with one from Mercedes because it did look a little like the 2000 – 2007 Merc W203. 

    Sadly, the looks of Polo didn’t really change between model to model. To be honest, you’d have to do more than squint to spot the mild fire breathing 100PS 16v over the more humdrum three cylinder 1.2 with about half the power.

    And it’s this 1.2 engine that brings me here. The little 3 pot petrol was quite energetic in its power propulsion method and didn’t leave you with a strange feeling like that of sitting on a washing machine with a brick in it. It was quite smooth and liked revs. However, It was a ruddy awful engine and not one that I would, in its advancing years, recommend. EVER.

    Piston slap and burnt out exhaust valves are the main culprit and not always on engines with high mileages either. To get the good economy it ran weak and lean. The leaner they run, the hotter they get. The hotter they get, the likelihood is burnt broken bits. Find a Polo running rough and chances are it won’t be a coil pack for £20. It’ll be a new head for £700.

    The Polo 1.2, not a good car. Run for the hills, it’s that bad!