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How not to look sexy on a first date

Writer Scott Sammons takes us through the basic don’ts (and he’s got four years of experience apparently) if you’re trying to be sexy on a first date… Buckle up.

Gay couple
CREDIT: mast3r-bigstock

For those of you that follow me on social media (@i_scotty in case you’re interested), you know that I am very much a single pringle currently (partly through my own choice) and have been on a number of dates over the last four years now (four years – wow, how time flies!). This means I’ve picked up a few things about how to not look sexy while on a date, plus a few other hints and tips. Namely, because I seem to have mastered the art of not looking sexy recently.

So fellow singletons (and people that just fancy a laugh) indulge me a little while I take you on some tales of woe on how not to look sexy on a date (followed by another blog post with tips on how to look sexy on a date).

Do recount details and stories about your ex

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There are some cardinal rules on what to do and not do on a date. For example, spending more than five minutes talking about your ex(s) (or talking about them at all) is as far from sexy as you can humanly get. However, it is an easy trap to fall in to. So our first entry for how to not look sexy on a date is to talk about taboo subjects like your ex/politics/the offside rule (but like I know what that is)/your rather itchy and sore piles.

This wasn’t me I hasten to add, but instead a lovely (albeit eager and inexperienced) young man I once dated. I say ‘dated’, it was one date and this was just one of a number of errors on his part.

Some of them not his fault I might add, with experience we just learn these things.

The evening started well enough, a civilised drink in a small pub near where we both live. The conversation went through the usual small talk before, as you do when conversation flows, you start to get on to the more interesting subjects. However, this young man made a bit of jump from one subject (I can’t remember what so we shall say it was food) to the subject of how his ex used to fret and control what he ate on a daily basis. Now I have nothing but sympathy for the guy as it sounded like a taxing relationship but at the same time, he spent a good hour on the subject despite my best efforts to move the conversation on. I’m not saying it’s never to be discussed, but that’s a conversation for a later date, not date number one. So while you should bring up exes on dates at some point, date one is far from sexy! For all sorts of reasons, the ex-factor is never sexy…

Run to your date because you’re late (and don’t pack an umbrella)

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The last time I went speed dating I took a friend with me as he needed cheering up and, as I’ve told him many times, he needed to get out of his own head and just meet people other than those on Grindr. If you’ve not been speeding dating, I highly recommend. A great experience, and even if you find no one you get to meet people and realise you’re not the only one out there thinking that all men must die… sorry, I meant all men are perfectible datable. Silly me!

This particular event was occurring in London in the evening in a bar somewhere outside Kings Cross. I had been working all day, it was raining and I had to use the sauna known as the Central line in order to get across town. As you can imagine, therefore, I turned up to the said event looking a little bit like a drowned harassed rat that, I suspect, also smelt a little bit as it had been a very long day and I had to run because I was late.

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I appreciate that some men enjoy the ‘manly musk’, and indeed so do I from time to time, but at a speed dating event, it is not the best place to release the locker room level smell. I was, for want of a better word, a real catch…

To my surprise, I didn’t really get any matches or follow-ups. Not because of my stunning good looks or personality (pfft) but because I looked like someone that had been drowned, whipped, sat on by 100 rugby players after a match and probably smelt like the arse end of a gym bag. Or rather, that’s what I chose to believe otherwise I really am ugly and have an awful personality (don’t laugh, I can hear you from here!).

Talk about politics and tell me the wonders of why you are right and I’m wrong.

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This point is a little political, but it isn’t meant to be per se. Politics is just not sexy to most people so it’s always a risky area to venture in to. If you know me you know that I am a firm advocate of debate, however, there is a limit to this and a long lecture on what you are right and I am wrong is not something that I would consider sexy (or decent behaviour) by any man’s standards.

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This particular date started off well enough (as they all do). I knew that he did have certain ‘leanings’ but I personally don’t think that in of itself is a turn-off. But as the evening went on the conversation kept coming back to his points of view time and time again. One particular view, that of our Transexual brothers and sisters, was particularly interesting. We started talking about the issues they face and the lack of support from the community and he went into a bit of a party political broadcast on why it was all nonsense. As you can imagine by this point, my goal was no longer to find a soul mate but now more to shut down the close-minded gentleman and finish my drink. (I did write another name for him there but I decided to remove it because I’m not a child – but I am thinking it!!). Everyone has different views on all things, and I certainly don’t believe partners should agree on all things (as that’s just boring – personally I find a good debating partner a massive turn on). But when you start ramming your views down your date’s neck shortly after meeting then there is, to be blunt, something seriously unsexy about you.

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Some people may like that, but most of the people I speak to don’t. I’m not entirely sure where I found this one, must have been Grindr as I passed the local conservative club (now that was political…!!).

Eat that really messy food and share it with half your face.

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I like sticky messy food as much as the next man, this may also explain why I’ll never be a clothing model. But on the first few dates maybe having the large rack of ribs, or the spaghetti bolognese, lobster or other hands-on messy foods isn’t a good idea. Get to know the other person first, then maybe on date 3 or 4 you can both be messy and have a laugh about it.

This ‘sin’ was very much done by me as I really fancied spaghetti, forgetting completely that my method of eating spaghetti resembled that of a cat trying to eat spaghetti. I tried and I tried to be civilised about it, using the spoon and the fork to wrap or cut up the spaghetti but the harder I tried to not come across a grown adult that can’t handle is spaghetti the more I just dug a hole for myself.

Luckily the guy I was on a date with was fairly humorous about it and I became the butt of a joke or two (adds to the charm of the evening I find) but ultimately I didn’t get a second date and food mishaps can backfire quite spectacularly. Messy food equals a messy date – avoid avoid avoid!

Flirt with the barman.

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Call me old fashioned, but on a date I want to feel a little bit wooed, charmed and something that resembles a smile on your face as you leave. I don’t want to be left waiting, go hungry because you ate before coming (even though we are meeting for dinner) and spend 20 minutes waiting for you on my own at the table because you’ve gone off to the bar to get drinks and spend 15 minutes flirting with the barman.

Yes, boys and girls, I can safely say that this particular date made even the great Cilla Black turn in her grave as a golden example of how to not look even remotely sexy in the eyes of your date.

We did eventually eat and there was eventually a sense of ‘charm’ in the air but by this point, it was a case of too little, too late. There are a few things in there that wouldn’t make you even remotely sexy in someone’s eyes – being rude, being late and being about as charming as a dinner with Katie Hopkins.

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Respect, in my book at least, is one of the sexiest qualities in a man. Debate me, respect me and charm me and I’m yours (and people say I’m picky…).

I’m not going to go into other physical things to do or not to do with regards to looking sexy on a date because everyone finds what is sexy so wildly different. I, personally, think to turn up for a date looking like a fashion disaster hit Popeye the sailor man to be ‘unsexy’. But to others, you could be sex on legs in your badly fitted, camp as tits, slightly over-worn Popeye outfit. Each to their own and who I am to rob someone of that.

But what I will say is that we all have our dates where we come across as miles away from sexy. And that’s fine, we live and we learn, and ultimately we have a laugh. I now have hundreds of stories to share with my Pussy over a glass of wine (or to bore you all with) as a dull date where nothing happens is about as fun as an episode of Antiques Roadshow.

So with that I say keep an eye out for the next article on how to look sexy on a date, some tips from a thirty-something serial dater that has tried and tested many a method to share with you (and yet is still single… not really sure how I ended up with this as an article idea).


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