THEGAYUK

Category: Grrr

  • OPINION | The “mother” of all questions, who is Tom Daley’s baby’s surrogate mother?

    It’s none of your god-damn business.

    On Valentine’s Day, Tom Daley and husband, Dustin Lance Black announced to the world that they were expecting a baby. The announcement from Dustin (on Instagram – how modern) simply said, “happy valentines, from ours to yours” and included an ultrasound picture of their child.

    It wasn’t long before questions about the child’s mother were being raised, both on social and mainstream media. LBC Radio Tweeted a question on whether it was sinister, while one of its presenters Shelagh Fogarty wrote, “No mention of the womb and the woman or women making this possible. Nice.”

    LBC ended up apologising for the tone of its question and deleting the Tweet.

    Katie Hopkins suggested that the baby was “bought” to fix their marriage…

    Even Richard Littlejohn, Daily Mail columnist whined, “We are not told her identity, where she lives, or even when the baby is due. She is merely the anonymous incubator.

    What an incredibly creepy line of questioning Rich.

    You know what Shelagh, Richard, Katie et al., it’s none of your business who the mother is or indeed whose sperm is used. And you know, it’s not that confusing. There are millions of children in the world without a mother, a father or either, but are raised in a variety of ways. As long as there is love, food, protection, warmth and education children will survive and grow up to be productive members of society.

    Don’t let facts get in the way…

    The simple truth is that we don’t know the facts. You don’t even know the first thing about their relationship. Only what they choose to share.

    Let’s pause for a moment and think about the invasive questions or assumptions being made, especially because these two parents happen to be male. With an opposite-sex couple would you ever dream of asking the parents to be, the intimate conception details – like: Did you use a sperm donor? Did you use IVF? How long did you try?

    Those questions are answers to be offered at the parents’ own will, not questions you have the right to ask.

    You have to ask yourself why on earth do you want to know. How is it going to affect your life? I’d wager… not a dot.

    For all we know, the mother didn’t want to be acknowledged. Maybe she wanted anonymity.

    For all we know, Tom and Dustin aren’t using a surrogate. It could be that they adopted an yet unborn child.

    Stop making your assumptions and just get on with your life.

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • COMMENT | India Willoughby: Attention seeking or something more?

    So we have yet another ‘celebrity’ making noises about the world of LGBT. Except for this time, in a slight change of pace, it’s from one of our own. India Willoughby is one of the contestants (now ex) of the Celebrity Big Brother house and has caused somewhat of a stir with her comments about drag queens.

    Let me start by saying that I don’t watch Celebrity Big Brother (or Big Brother) as, for me, it has lost its way. It started off being genuine and now it’s so convoluted that I would rather watch paint dry. At least you know it is paint on a wall and not some self-interested soul out to get fame and fortune. But I digress.

    This ‘fear’ of drag queens peaked my interest however for two reasons. 1) having spent a lot of time lately learning about the experiences of the Trans community I wanted to know where this came from and 2) what possible reason could acting like a child about it possibly serve? Oh yes, fame and celebrity… silly me!

    There are people in the gay community that are ‘afraid’ of drag queens. But most of them from what I can see aren’t actually afraid of drag queens themselves, but more what they represent. The same applies for those that say they find them in bad taste (each to their own). For me, drag queens represent confidence, attention, fun and ambition. Where they go, especially the ones that perform, trouble always follows (I say trouble, what I mean is fun!) and for some people that can be too much and come across as overbearing. We all have our demons and for some, the thought of being a stage drag queens ‘victim’ is just too much.

    But what happens when that inner demon actually becomes or is something else?

    I’m not a transexual nor have I had any urges to change gender so I can’t put myself in India’s position. But what I can do, is see how her community reacts to her and how her actions make me feel as a member of her wider community.

    In a recent interview on Celebrity Big Brother‘s bit on the side, Paris Lees outlined how some of where India was coming from resonated with her own previous experiences.

    “We went to see the Thai ladyboys, and it was essentially these transgender women dancing about on-stage, and I felt so uncomfortable. It was like, guys, we were on the beach yesterday if you wanted to see a transgender woman dancing around in a bikini.”

    In the various points, Paris raised the two that stood out where that Drag Queens are often seen by most people as Transexual when they are not (namely because there is still a lack of education out there) and India’s transition is still fairly recent therefore such fears may well be bringing up issues yet unresolved.

    I’ve not watched India in precise detail but surely regardless of cause this outburst (and then going to stand by her actions) just makes her another Caitlyn Jenner?

    Is this also a good time to also mention the recent images of her that have appeared with her tweeting about having fun with at least two drag queens (with pictures)? So while I’m willing to believe there are some deep rooted issues there, the fuss and nonsense coming from her to turn everything into an attack on her is nothing short of over the top and will only do more harm to her and the trans community than good.

    As an openly gay man, in order for me to appreciate what it means to be a gay man in today’s world, I have to understand my heritage. Understand what it must have been like to live in fear of going to jail, being killed or getting HIV. The same applies to any members of the LGBT+ community, including India and her trans heritage and family.

    While friends to LGBT+ people are slowing growing they still aren’t huge in number and many of us still face violence, death and isolation. So if we can’t learn to get along with each other then how on earth can we expect non LGBT+ people to?

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • COMMENT | India Willoughby is “undoing the good” of those that have gone before her

    So India Willoughby really has been making tidal waves on social media of late hasn’t she?

    I for one will never understand her. She is out there, in full view and as the woman she wishes to be. So what I don’t get is that she berates anyone who doesn’t quite understand her journey. People still don’t quite understand the concept. She refuses to accept Amanda Barrie’s apology for a start.

    You see the problem I have is that India, like Caitlyn Jenner, can help the trans community achieve so much more in terms of acceptance. They could become if you wish, martyrs to the cause. They could go down in history in changing perceptions. She has this visual presence on TV that can make people sit up and go “oh, it’s just a person FFS. What’s all the fuss about?”

    Instead, they have chosen to publicly ridicule others within the LGBT+ community. For India, she has taken a swipe at drag saying that it “cheapens” the whole trans thing. Trouble is drag and trans are two very different areas. One is where a man uses dick tape to hide his cock and the other has it removed if they go down the gender reassignment route.

    You sit there screaming at the TV wanting her to “grow the f*** up”. If she can’t handle it and use her presence to educate then she needs to step out of the fire. In my mind, she was a beacon of light for the trans community but I fear she will set it back decades with her pissy behaviour and spite.

    I work in a very male-dominated industry and I’ve come across the odd homophobic slur. To be fair I don’t usually raise an eyebrow and waste a breath on them. I am out and proud and should someone have a problem, I will do my best to show that gay men are just men who happen to love men. We don’t actually do anything different in our day to day working lives than our straight counterparts.

    Now as a gay man with an open upbringing I am of the “live and let live” view. If it doesn’t affect me (and when you think about it there isn’t much that affects any of us really) then I’m not going to lose what valuable time I have being alive wasting it on something I don’t really mind.

    India is turning into a self-righteous idiot who is actually undoing any good that those who have gone before her have fought for. So just what is India’s problem?

    Come to think of it, WHAT is her problem?

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • COMMENT | Gay Media… Do better

    COMMENT | Gay Media… Do better

    Gay Times never should’ve hired Josh Rivers…20 days.

    That’s how long Josh Rivers lasted as editor-in-chief of Gay Times, Britain’s oldest and arguably most prestigious gay men’s magazine. Yesterday, the magazine suspended him following a Buzzfeed article which exposed bigoted and offensive tweets Rivers sent between 2011 and 2015 in which he attacked just about every marginalised group you can imagine.

    “I’ve just seen a girl in the tightest white tank & lord help me if she’s not pregnant, she should be killed. #gross” reads one tweet. “I wonder if they cast that guy as the ‘The Jew’ because of that fucking ridiculously large honker of a nose,” he tweeted in 2011. “Look here, tranny. 1) you look like a crackhead 2) YOU’RE A TRANNY & 3) your wig doesn’t deserve a mention. Avert your eyes, honey,” he said in a transphobic post.

    These are just the tip of the iceberg. While he did apologise, it clearly wasn’t enough. Following a public backlash, Gay Times sacked Mr Rivers today, effective immediately.

    The saga of Josh Rivers begs a lot of questions. Previously Gay Times’ marketing manager, Mr Rivers was promoted to editor despite having no discernable journalistic experience. A Google search on Wednesday turned up a negligible web footprint for any journalist, let alone the editor of one of Britain’s premier lifestyle magazines.

    This was part of the magazine’s “reboot,” an attempt to diversify their staff, output, and appeal beyond white gay men. Mr Rivers, who is multi-racial, was to head this reboot and make the magazine more appealing and relevant to a wider audience.

    Obviously, that failed. Instead of finding a bright young writer or editor to take the magazine in this brave and laudable new direction, James Frost – the man who bought Gay Times back in March – hired a bigot with a Twitter history to rival Donald Trump’s in the breadth of communities he’s insulted.

    “To every single person who is hurt, offended, and disappointed: I’m sorry,” Mr Rivers said in a tweet on Wednesday. “The tweets are horrible. They are abhorrent. They are ugly. They are so hateful. These tweets from my past show a deep self-loathing that I’ve worked hard to overcome.”

    This apology did little to placate many in our community, including me. I tweeted at Mr Rivers that “I’m just curious what you’ve done that shows you’ve changed and repudiated these horrible views.” Mr Rivers never responded.

    He should have. I firmly believe people deserve second chances. We’ve all had messy politics before. People grow and change as they mature. I wouldn’t want some of my opinions as a 17-year-old to be held against me at 31.

    But here’s the crux of the issue. Mr Rivers wasn’t 17 when he sent these tweets. He’s my age, which means the bulk of his offensive tweets were sent when he was about 25. 2011 wasn’t 1911. He should have known better. That he didn’t shows, at best, a stunning lack of judgment and at worst a strain of hatred and bile that shouldn’t be tolerated in a locker room, let alone on Twitter and certainly not in the pages of a national magazine.

    The issue is further complicated by the fact that the only way we know Mr Rivers disavows his old tweets is by his most recent tweet. He’s gone radio silent since Buzzfeed published its piece, and as I said, he has little web presence to go on. It’s hard to judge his sincerity because we don’t have a body of work to read. He’s as green as they come, which really begs the question – why was he promoted to editor in the first place? How did Mr Frost and Gay Times not know about Mr Rivers’ past? Buzzfeed found these tweets with little more than an advanced Twitter search. It’s clear nobody did their due diligence before Mr Rivers took the helm.

    That’s beyond unfortunate, especially given the circumstances. Trying to diversify Gay Times – and gay media in general – is a noble goal, and many (including me) were excited that a Black and Minority Ethnic gay man was at the helm of one of our most notable publications. Gay media has for too long been dominated by fit young white men, and it’s high time that we include more voices more regularly.

    For their part, Gay Times sought today to assure readers that even though Mr Rivers has been sacked, the magazine plans to continue with its rebranding. In a statement, Gay Times promised that it “will relaunch on 30 November, with what is quite possibly the most significant overhaul in its 33-year history.” Articles by Mr Rivers will be removed, but the “new-look magazine will feature submissions and significant contributions from the far reaches of our wonderful and diverse LGBTQ community.”

    What this “overhaul” will look like is anyone’s guess, though. If the debacle of Mr Rivers’ hiring-and-firing shows us anything, it’s that this diversification of gay media is off to a rocky start and will be harder than perhaps initially thought. Without announcing an interim editor-in-chief, it’s unclear what the future holds for Gay Times.

    Hopefully the magazine will again be helmed by a BME editor, preferably one with journalistic experience who has been thoroughly vetted before being hired. But it’s also important that all gay media, not just Gay Times, continue to bring in diverse writers, photographers, editors, and staff.I’m interested to see how Gay Times (and gay media generally) proceeds after this.

    Whatever happens, though, we need to not let this set us back on our road to including move voices. Mr Rivers is one man who should never have been given the job he had, but he’s not the only gay BME writer. There are hundreds of talented young BME LGBT people ready to take his spot. Hopefully, Gay Times will hire one of them – preferably one who doesn’t have such a checkered past.

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • COMMENT | Social Media: Is forgiveness a forgotten concept?

    Sometimes people are full of sanctimonious self-satisfying pandering to the masses actions.

    In the name of reasonableness do we not all have a past? I know I have said things in the past I am not proud of. I probably hold opinions now, some would disagree with.

    I loathe being near people who smoke, possibly more than any other person than an ex-smoker! It is those who are reformed who often have the strongest opposite view of the things they have taken part in.

    Life is about growth. We only learn who we are by experiencing life and that includes making mistakes.

    Whether it is an editor, a politician, a member of the local parish council, a film star or a worker at the checkout at the local supermarket, we are all likely to have sinned.

    “Let he or she who hath not sinned cast the first stone.” John 8:7

    Where would we be without forgiveness and understanding of change to promote growth. The best example I can think of where not holding a grudge against past actions would be the Germany of the Second World War, through to reunification and where it is now a strong European power.

    Please give it a rest. It is getting to be more frequent than a re-run on the BBC

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • COMMENT | Kevin Spacey just handed bigots an open goal

    In any other moment, news that Kevin Spacey had come out would be met with worldwide acclaim.

    By Siebbi (ipernity.com) [CC BY 3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons
    He would’ve been welcomed openly, lauded for his bravery and provided a generation of his LGBT fans with another positive gay role model. Instead, Spacey decided to “come out” as a result of being accused of ‘sexual advances’ with a then-14-year-old boy. Criticism within the community was instant and deservedly brutal. But why aren’t the LGBT community not supporting Spacey in this moment? Well, because of history.

    “Gay Men are Paedophiles” has long been the right-wing attack on LGBT people. When Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell was repealed in America,  prominent right-wing leader Bryan Fischer said it would increase cases of paedophilia stating, “we’ve talked about the fact that homosexuals commit sex crimes against children at about 10 times the rate of the heterosexual population…there’s this proclivity toward the abuse of children.”

    The fact is that there has been zero scientific evidence that would back up such a claim doesn’t seem to bother him and his audience lapped it up.

    But how could people believe that? Primarily, in the UK and US, this way of thinking has come from mishandling of LGBT groups around pro-paedophile groups namely, PIE (Paedophile Information Exchange) and NAMBLA (North American Man/Boy Love Association). In the UK, PIE was formed in 1974 by a gay man who was, at the time, in a relationship with a 15-year-old boy. The group, which advocated for the removal of the age of consent, received support from the National Council for Civil Liberties (now known as Liberty) and thus the connection to paedophilia and homosexuality was born. Similarly, with NAMBLA, they were part of the International Gay and Lesbian Association (ILGA) which would, in 1993, achieve UN consultation status (the group lost their status in 1994 due to the NAMBLA association and quickly dis-associated with them). Again, this appeared to align paedophiles and homosexuals. Add in decades of reports of sexual misconduct towards boys of men in power such as Priests and you can easily see the picture that was being painted over decades. That is why LGBT groups have battled for years to avoid even the slightest air of support of this sexual misconduct.

    Then why are we mad at Kevin Spacey? What he has essentially done here is used the accusation of ‘sexual advances’ with a minor to announce he’s a gay man. This opens up the old wound that has been deeply damaging to the community. If allegations against Spacey and, let’s face it, any gay male celebrity are proven to be true, (we must state that these are just allegations, Kevin Spacey denies any recollection of misconduct), then it gives anti-LGBT groups ammunition and opens generations of us to violence, accusations and mistrust. By using his statement to link homosexuality and sexual misconduct with minors, Kevin Spacey has swung open the door to the past, ripped open the healing wounds of the 70s, 80s and 90s and exposed LGBT people to false equivalence.

    You may be sat reading this thinking it’s an over-reaction but you’re wrong. I implore you to search Kevin Spacey’s name and the word “faggot” or “homo” on Twitter and see for yourself people coming up with their own conclusions about gay men as a whole. Minority groups don’t have the privilege of common sense dissociation. When a straight Hollywood exec is accused of rape, nobody questions if all straight men are rapists but if a gay man is found to be a paedophile then, for some, ALL gay men are paedophiles.

    Decades of bigotry, ignorance and hatred have been battled and now Spacey has handed them an open goal yet for him, it’ll mean nothing. Unless further allegations occur, Spacey will likely be able to lie low in his mansion, wait for it to blow over whilst he counts his millions and protects himself with hired security. But the real damage will be felt out here in the real world, beyond the bubble of celebrity. It’ll be felt by the gay school teacher looking to make a difference, the gay Scout Leader looking to enrich lives, the gay social worker looking to keep our young people safe. All that it takes is for a bigot to question their motives. Bigots do not need concrete evidence, they just need tenuous links, fragments of a conspiracy to build upon. And now… they’ve got it.

  • COMMENT | Cyclists: Apart from the Lycra, I just hate them

    Thought I would mention cyclists. I am not one I would like to point out, from the very start. To give balance I am sure there are considerate and road aware cyclists. In fact, I encountered one earlier this week. An elderly lady who pulled over to the side of the road at a point of narrowing to signal me past.

    I travel on country lanes on my daily commute and the vista is a delight to behold. Other road users including tractors, horse riders, car drivers, and I pull over for those who have a more urgent need to get to journey’s end. This is not reflective in my experience of the cyclist.

    I say to men of any age; before dressing in the lycra outfit you have purchased, empty a bag of spuds into it to get some contextual vision into the sight you will become. If you are unfit before mounting, the clothing is not like a superhero costume, it does not enhance your performance. It just makes you stand out as a fool.

    There is something about a man and his fascination with all things phallic that drives a male “old enough to know better”  to shrink wrap his body in Lycra and place on his head a slipstream carbon fibre helmet to complete the image of an erect member. Hardly surprising then that they are complete “d*cks” on the road.

    On my journey home last night I came to a queue of traffic on an A class road. As I got closer to the front, there he was “cycleman”, all in black with a black helmet and on a black bike. In poor visibility and with no lights.

    To add insult to injury this athlete of the highway was proceeding at an earth-shattering 6 or 7 miles an hour. This breakneck speed impaired his ability to turn his head and see what a total nuisance he was being to commuting traffic in tax paying vehicles. The reason for his slow progress, he was holding aloft his mobile device and filming himself.

    Having passed him I looked into my rearview mirror and he was still in the middle of the road ignoring other road users. The only other thing I would surmise about him was, he was a man of small appetite. I deduce this from him having a very small lycra lunchbox.

    On another recent occasion, I was sat in a line of traffic in the town centre with my right-hand indicator on to turn at the next junction. I was in a road position to the right of the lane with a number of other vehicles that were indicating the same intent. At the moment there was a gap in the oncoming traffic enabling my turn to be conducted safely I had to brake hard as “cycleman” came down the outside of the lane ignoring all of the indicators and riding in the middle of the road.

    We live in an age where we are encouraged to be environmentally friendly and considerate. One man on a bicycle may be that – until he has a 2-mile tailback of carbon-emitting traffic he is ignoring behind him.

    As a car driver, I can be held accountable and I am identifiable from my vehicle registration. It could be any road user that makes a note of my number or a camera on the highway if I am speeding, perhaps one on a set of traffic lights if I go over on amber or red, or a dashboard cam of any other road user, finally even a mobile phone cam handheld by a pedestrian can be used to report me or any other licensed road user. I have lost count of the number of cyclists I have seen breaking the law of the highway and failing to show even the slightest amount of courtesy and why should they; as they are totally anonymous and unaccountable.

    A man in Lycra can be a sight to behold, a bulge to indulge, a fetish to crave; until he mounts his machine and becomes just another drain dodger!

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • COMMENT | LGBTQIAPK – Has it all gone too far?

    I am a 55-year-old gay man living in a small market town in Mid Devon. Until I made a move of around 10 miles, four years ago I had always been out and openly gay. I am not anymore.

    I live in a complex where everyone is over 50. Older people I have met here seem to talk about homosexuality as it is defined by the physical act as a preemptive to being disgusted. It is not about being gay which as a term encompasses a lifestyle and personality.

    As a single man, moving to a new place, I did not feel the need to define myself. The people where I live are generally not looking for a partner or to hook up and so my sexuality was assumed by them, and I did nothing to contradict what they thought of me.

    I had known pride in being gay. I am proud of being around during a time of change for gay rights. I am proud to have equal rights. There comes a time though to move on, to integrate and to consolidate.

    I feel every time the “runaway bus” of the acronym LGBT+ adds a letter, it is a “nail in the coffin” of acceptance. It seems that for every step forward a new cause is added and another divide created.

    For me, it is about being gay. I am not the eternal campaigner. I feel every time the “runaway bus” of the acronym LGBT+ adds a letter, it is a “nail in the coffin” of acceptance. It seems that for every step forward a new cause is added and another divide created.

    By inclusion, I am excluded. In the past, I could explain to people I was gay and get their acceptance. Now because of the marketing of LGBT+ and the media, it feels difficult to be a standalone gay as it comes with the baggage of so many deviances as to be abhorrent to an average person.

    After so many years is it not the time to give it a rest? To stop ramming sexuality down the throat of the heterosexual masses. (The pun was intended for effect)

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • COMMENT | Gay men need to stop saying we’re “over hill at 30”

    Over the Hill at 30? What EVAH!

    I chose this subject forgetting what my age was. I snuggled down this evening under my crocheted blanket a friend made while l sipped on a camomile tea and thought about going over the hill.

    The truth is l am. I’m heading towards 43. Bear with me and I might be able to explain it within this rambling.

    You young ones can bugger off. Thirty isn’t over the hill. Thirty is the becoming of age. Your teen years through to the 20s are the ones where you are young, dumb and full of cum and self-exploring with what you actually like, dislike and what you won’t do. Home economics lessons never taught you all you needed to know about life in the kitchen. Who knew a strawberry soufflé could be so erotic while chomping down on an artic roll was not. We experimented. For me, a cucumber was best left as an extra to a Pimms and only good for the eyes you see through and not the one you sit on.

    Heading towards my 43rd year I am plagued by creaking joints, a nerve in my arm that when it flares up I am in pain like I have never known for about 5 weeks and a decade of drinking sports drinks by the litre a day and sniffing poppers, while it hasn’t damaged my kidneys, I certainly wouldn’t be able to sell them on the black market. Occasionally I do wake with a mid-lower backache. My hair thankfully is my own with a flick grey here or there and I am able to cut my own toenails. Just.

    But then there is the other thing that you get when you become 40 and over the hill. That’s contentment. If you have made the right choices, had a shit load of fun on the way but always kept an eye on the long-term outcome, you will find happiness within yourself. That there in itself is an ultimate goal. An undervalued goal too when I have spoken to youngsters about their hopes, dreams and aspirations. If you have to aim low, then do so. You’ll achieve more that way.

    If you are lucky to have someone else, hopefully, it will be with them too. However as l have witnessed, if the significant other doesn’t have their eyes looking forward they can succumb to the all too familiar feelings of failure and ultimately bugger off looking for something that actually might not be there because had they turned around, they would have found it. Moral of the story is, become content as fast as possible.

    So this leaves you in your 3rd decade of life. I wouldn’t go back there again. I’m not bloody stupid. But I wouldn’t want to miss out on anything that I did. I feel I achieved more than enough through that 3rd decade.

    Drinking copious amounts of vodka was quite normal back then. A litre bottle in one sitting was quite the norm. The hangovers were never as savage as they are now. You didn’t do quite as many stupid things as you did in your 20s while fuelled up but you will do more than you will in your 40s. You’ll also be able to afford the better quality vodka and not the cheap tasting battery acid for the all-night offy. Being asked for ID is a thing of the past in your 30’s.

    Being asked for ID is a thing of the past in your 30s.

    You’ve got nightclubbing staying power babes, don’t you forget it. You’ve hit the clubs so many times, you know how to get high on the dance floor without using substances bought and sold in the toilets. You can choose your songs carefully, dance your socks off and then head to the bar when the key changes to something from One Direction. You may find you have a liking for OD later in life. I did with Tatjana “Santa Maria” I can’t stop dancing to it now. Back then l ruddy hated it.

    Beige is a colour you’ll only associate with a Greggs’ pasty and not comfy trousers or a fluffy warm pull-over with roll top neckline. Colours are to be played with. The 30s is about statements and having the experience and balls to go out there and show the world.

    You’ve also had love in the fast lane. If you do find lasting love in your 20s you’ll enjoy it more. 30s love comes with a level of maturity that you don’t have in your 20s. Going for coffee, art galleries and sigh seeing are things to enjoy. You wouldn’t dream of doing them in your 20s and I am not saying that you should. The mature human doesn’t want pissed up teens and 20 somethings ruining a stroll around Hyde Park and the V&A in London.

     

    So cock off with your hiding of age, admit what you are.

    Been there, done that and l tell you, there is nothing to be ashamed of.

    You will, however, disguise your age. Being a mature student I disguised my early 30s by being late 20s. The girls at uni were obsessed with age. Come 40 and you’ll start shouting it from the rooftops that you made it that far. So cock off with your hiding of age, admit what you are. Been there, done that and l tell you, there is nothing to be ashamed of. In truth, the girls I went to uni with are now all in their 30s and settling down having babies. None of them are out drinking like I was so two finger salute to you 20 something youngsters, those in the 30s can handle it more than you realise.

    And why can we handle it at 30? Because we are not over the hill. Our bodies heal just as fast. We have more cash in our pockets, WE have the nicer things. For my generation at least, we lived in different times. With each passing decade, it doesn’t always look like it becomes any easier for you lot.

    By 38 the peak of the hill is getting close and you can see the clouds at the top but you can still cram in a bucket load of life in those remaining 104 weeks of 30. You’re not over the hill yet so what are you waiting for? Go on, bugger off… enjoy yourselves.

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • COMMENT | Are gay guys the worst fat shamers?

    Fat Shaming and Fursecution

    CREDIT: ©-livrakv-Depositphotos

    If there’s one thing that really gets my knickers in a twist, it’s people not being able to accept each other for who they are.

    Gay people still face so much prejudice and discrimination in the world, but there’s an issue that I view as being even more damaging; gays hating on other gays for not fitting an ‘acceptable’ aesthetic.

    Over the years I have noticed a lot of fat shaming and fursecution within the gay community, as I’m sure many of you have. I have even been a victim of it on more than one occasion. Whether you’re online and see profiles stating that potential guys must be slim and hairless or seeing fat shaming on the scene, I believe it to be an endemic problem.

    Personally, I’m a relatively big guy and particularly hirsute. There was a time I hated the way I looked and wished I could be slim and smooth. Then I came to realise that I wanted to be like that to please others rather than to please myself. When it comes down to it, if I really hated the way I look I’d do something about it. I like my covering of fur and having a bit of meat on my bones. My partner likes it too, so that’s all that matters.

    In the past, I have come up against abuse and discrimination from other gay men, mainly on the scene and on apps such as Grindr. One guy told me that I looked disgusting and that the only way I was going to lose weight was if I became bulimic. Another guy on Grindr told me I was a “fat f**king twat” who had no chance. It bothered me at first, but actually, it says more about them than it does about me.

    In magazines, we are fed images of so-called hot guys and they are nearly always slim, smooth men, with toned bodies. Although I sometimes like seeing those images, I believe that the constant feed of these nearly naked men is damaging to people’s self-esteem and potentially feeds the fat shamers and fursecutors.

    It’s not just in the gay world that this problem exists. If I venture into my local town on a Saturday night there will be lots of people mocking others for being overweight or wearing an outfit that’s perhaps a bit tight and unflattering. It’s the same in the summertime when someone chubby takes their top off or wears skimpy clothing. Personally, I think it’s great if people feel confident enough to remove their top or wear an outfit they like, regardless of how it fits. If the way someone looks offends you, look the other way. Or perhaps address the reason why you are offended.

    Scrolling through my Facebook news feed also shows up incidences of fat shaming and fursecution. Whether it’s a larger lady with little clothing on or a man covered in body hair, it is further perpetuating the thought that being overweight or hairy is unsexy and acceptable to be the subject of ridicule.

    I don’t believe that bullying or the shaming of anyone is ever ok, and it concerns me that so many people focus on what others look like instead of concentrating on the bigger issues there are facing us as a community.

    As for what the solution for eradicating this form of bullying is, I don’t have the answer. Perhaps there needs to be body image classes at school or maybe people just need to take a long, hard look at themselves to realise that fat shaming and fursecution need to stop. Either way, we should be supporting and celebrating each other, not continuing with this internal prejudice and discrimination.

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • OPINION | When did gay culture start losing its individualism? When did we all turn into banker w*nkers?

    OPINION | When did gay culture start losing its individualism? When did we all turn into banker w*nkers?

    In his latest book, The Descent of Man, Grayson Perry cleverly charts the misfortunes of masculinity and their repercussions on both the female and, more interestingly, the male sex.

    CREDIT: kunertuscom-bigstock

    Perry himself is not only a Turner Prize winning artist but also a prolific cross-dresser, and he speaks with flair and intelligence as he critiques the prominence of what he calls default man. This tribal identity, which is characterised by a sober dress sense, a steely bravado and an apparent lack of empathy, accounts for only 10% of the population but dominates the spheres of business, politics, sports and the media.

    It’s little surprise, as Perry points out in his book, that majority of those who kill, rape and go to war fit the obtuse criteria and are bred from what he denotes the department of masculinity. Bankers typify default man – they are also renowned for possessing psychopathic tendencies.

    But no longer are these proclivities reserved for straight males, they’re now abundant in the gay community. The most transparent illustration of this is the term ‘straight acting’. This vexatious use of language now adorns the profiles of many, along with their beards, biceps and tangible disdain for all thing considered effeminate. And this isn’t mere conjecture. A recent study found that those who identify as ‘straight acting’ were more likely to agree that feminine guys give the gay community a bad reputation and were also significantly less likely to experience homophobia themselves. It’s not about raising ideological warfare and dictating the gender performance of any individual or subculture. The diversity of men, from twinks to bears, is what makes the gay community such an eclectic collection of personalities and individuals. It is this very cacophony, brimming with colour and verve, that we should be striving to maintain. Instead, we seem to be diluting our eccentricities, losing our individualism and with it what makes us special.

    We need to ask ourselves if this pernicious desire to conform to this ideological stereotype is healthy.

    This issue isn’t the exclusive domain of homosexuals, indeed Perry’s book largely addresses the hetero masses but given that we already know that the gay community experiences increased rates of bullying, substance abuse and mental health issues, these findings are at best regressive and at their worst pervasive and dangerous to the health of gay men. Trying to live up to false ideals never leads to happiness and contentment in the end, even if society seems to applaud and ratify the notion of default man.

    Suicide is the biggest killer of men under 45 in the United Kingdom – something is clearly going wrong.

    To some degree or another we’re all bound by the confines of our biological sex – but what lies ahead in a world of pass privilege is the eradication of gay culture and identity. Is it any coincidence that as our community becomes more hetero-normative equality seems to be finally on the up? The motivations for aspiring to this so called ‘pass privilege’ are not difficult to identify: bullying, stigmatisation and loneliness are all too familiar tropes – but the acceptance of difference, not assimilation into the uniformity of default man is what is needed if we are to move forward in a healthy and progressive manner.

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, it’s management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.