Around 4 years ago I went back into the closet. This was at the time of moving home to a new area and a new job.

A recent stirring in the nether region suggests to me it is time to come out again. No one said it has to be a once in a lifetime event. The best part of all is that no one from my new life suspects, it would be a total shocker. Sacrilege I know but there is almost something divine about a second coming!

I know myself so well now. I am older and more confident, resilient to rejection and just plain, “don’t give a sh*t!” This feeling of inner self-worth comes from the security of having a foundation of family and old friends who I came out to more than 30 years ago. In making light of my situation I am not trivialising the ordeal it must be for first timers who will rock their world to the core with the revelation.

My planning is involving all the things you should never do for a first coming out:

1. It is going to be on a special day, so everyone remembers this is the day he did it (again).

2. High camp and outrageous clothes are a definite.

3. Perhaps a theme, would “The Wizard of Oz” be too over the top?

4.  I’ve spent a lifetime being a friend of … Is this my time to be Dorothy? Though 18 stone of middle-aged hairy arsed womble clutching Toto and clicking his heels may stretch the boundaries of belief.

5. Music, darlings you can’t have a party without music. Coming Out has been immortalised by Divas from old Burly Shassy and Diana Ross to the modern day pretenders to the crown; there is something for everyone.

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6. A soirée for a select few, only those who will be entirely shocked! There is no point in doing this if there isn’t melodrama.

7. A big drunken speech thanking people who have contributed nothing, plenty of gushing.  A coming out event has to have  tissues and tears

8. To finish karaoke with just show tunes. Or is it all just a little to Fay Wray?

On second thoughts it may be too much effort. I might just lay back on the chaise, massage my temples with some soothing liniment and have a quick rub down with a warm pasty.