Around 4 years ago I went back into the closet. This was at the time of moving home to a new area and a new job.

A recent stirring in the nether region suggests to me it is time to come out again. No one said it has to be a once in a lifetime event. The best part of all is that no one from my new life suspects, it would be a total shocker. Sacrilege I know but there is almost something divine about a second coming!

I know myself so well now. I am older and more confident, resilient to rejection and just plain, “don’t give a sh*t!” This feeling of inner self-worth comes from the security of having a foundation of family and old friends who I came out to more than 30 years ago. In making light of my situation I am not trivialising the ordeal it must be for first timers who will rock their world to the core with the revelation.

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My planning is involving all the things you should never do for a first coming out:

1. It is going to be on a special day, so everyone remembers this is the day he did it (again).

2. High camp and outrageous clothes are a definite.

3. Perhaps a theme, would “The Wizard of Oz” be too over the top?

4.  I’ve spent a lifetime being a friend of … Is this my time to be Dorothy? Though 18 stone of middle-aged hairy arsed womble clutching Toto and clicking his heels may stretch the boundaries of belief.

5. Music, darlings you can’t have a party without music. Coming Out has been immortalised by Divas from old Burly Shassy and Diana Ross to the modern day pretenders to the crown; there is something for everyone.

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6. A soirée for a select few, only those who will be entirely shocked! There is no point in doing this if there isn’t melodrama.

7. A big drunken speech thanking people who have contributed nothing, plenty of gushing.  A coming out event has to have  tissues and tears

8. To finish karaoke with just show tunes. Or is it all just a little to Fay Wray?

On second thoughts it may be too much effort. I might just lay back on the chaise, massage my temples with some soothing liniment and have a quick rub down with a warm pasty.

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