There are only two real players that could be Top-of-the-Pops in this years General Election come May 7th. Let’s not beat around the Mulberry, burnt orange soft grain leather weekend bag, Ed Miliband or David Cameron will be residing at number ten whatever the result.

The chart-topper will probably have to share a piece of the action with a lesser party, embarking on yet another coalition. Either way, Ed or David will hold the majority of clout.

The UK would obviously be a more harmonious, Telly-Tubby-like place to live if the Green Party were elected. Everyone would do away with cars and annual travel cards and walk, cycle or skip to work come blustery showers and cheek-freezing winters. Plus we’d purr like kittens in our boudoirs at night, safe in the knowledge if we were threatened by a nuclear attack the country could do sod all in defence. Not practical, unless the Greens send the other countries with nukes seductive sonnets, on recycled paper of course, convincing them to disarm their missiles as well.

Nigel Farage – what a guy. Spitting Image would have gone to town, three major cities and punched not only the air but a couple of Boeing 747s to make a latex puppet of him. Although, he’s doing the muppet thing quite well on his own. This is the chap, back in December last year, that defended comments made by former UKIP activist Kerry Smith. Kerry called gay party members “disgusting poofters”.

Nick Clegg should be aware that liberal, open-minded and generous-hearted Carol Vorderman was out the Countdown door when her time was up.

Attitude Magazine’s May issue asked Farage, “Where do you think we should be turning our attention next in terms of LGBT rights?”. Nigel poetically answered: “Is there anything? You tell me”. Clearly Farage, and matters relating to the LGBT community spend as much time together as Sam-Cam and Justine Thornton (Miliband’s trouble-and-strife).

So, is it the Reds or the Blues who will win the pink votes?

The Same-Sex-Marriage Act was passed during the Conservatives reign. But the Blues didn’t give same-sex couples the same inheritance and pension rights as heterosexual couples.

The gay marriage act didn’t stand a hope in Heaven without the Liberal Democrats help, or Labour MPs like Ray Collins and Waheed Ali. They propelled the Same-Sex-Marriage Act through the House of Lords. 128 Tory MPs voted against gay wedlock, only 117 voted for rainbow confetti affairs.

David Cameron gives the perception he’d be happy to hang out with lesbians and have a cheeky wiggle down at XXL. The Cams would no doubt be scintillating company on your table at a homo wedding – they’ve probably been to loads. Is it a case of wolf in wool tailor-made suit worth £3500? How genuine are the Conservatives as a whole for gay rights?

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The Reds passed the Civil Partnership Bill and scrapped Section 28, and in doing so equalised the age of consent, fertility treatments, adoption rights and allowed gays in the armed services to come out.

Let’s not brush under the silk Isfahan rug that Cameron voted against the annulment of Section 28 in 2003. Furthermore, the Tories were the only major party in the last game of ‘I Want To Be Prime Minister’ with the same amount of gay policies as UKIP in this year’s election. Zero.

Ed Miliband told Attitude, “I’m determined to be a warrior against injustice and for great equality”. Ed just might be able to pull-off chest armour, a leather skirt and a plumed helmet. Labour hasn’t had the reluctance over the year for flying the rainbow flag like the blues.

Michael Cashman has been appointed the rainbow superhero on LGBT issues worldwide for Labour. Where’s the Tories’ pink MP?

Who’s most likely to support gay Soho, fight for equality around the globe and perhaps lower the cost of Hermès? One of these parliamentary-plonkers will be chief. I’m voting for the reds in my constituency.
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Vote clever team.

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Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you'd like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.