INTERVIEW | Pam Ann is plane filthy
Catching up with our favourite trolley dolly while she is on tour in America, Domenico Sansalone talks to her about everything from safe sex, opening for Cher and her new show at the Theatre Royal Drury Lane in December.
The Gay UK: I have a funny story actually, once when I was flying back from Mykonos to London and you were on the same flight and the attendants were falling all over you it was an Easy Jet flight but they loved you. Does that happen a lot?
Pam Ann: Well I had a f**king smacking hangover because I had come straight from the f**king club and I had these big glasses on right? Yeah I was f**king against the visor against the window. I will never forget that c**t of a flight. He gave me a bottle of water that is as much as they could give me.
TGUK: Well it is Easy Jet you have to pay for everything…
PA: Well no, she gave it to me for free, that was like champagne on BA. But yeah it happens. It happens a lot in Europe and Australia. I fly a lot on Jet Blue, but once you get into middle America, say on Delta, you can go to hell, you can f**k off! They don’t know who I am. They don’t care who I am. I get fisted on those flights! They don’t give a f**k. They lose my bag, they roll their eyes, they throw abuse at me and I am treated like everyone else, so I know what it is like.
TGUK: Amazing! Do you ever notice that flight attendants get nervous when they recognise you and feel like they need to give you better service?
PA: When I am sitting there and they are about to give the safety presentation they know. When they stand in the aisle about to give the safety demo and they kind of freak out when I am sitting right next to them, sometimes they crack up laughing but cause I look at them and take everything in.
TGUK: I read somewhere that you said the whole Pam Ann character was created when you were drunk. But you also said that it was the gays that created you, could you elaborate on how the gays created you?
PA: They didn’t create Pam Ann; they created my whole f**king life and my existence. That’s why I have not got married. I have not had kids. I am a f**king gay man, 99 per cent of my friends are gay so they can take responsibility for everything. My vocabulary is gay, I speak gay, everything is gay. I f**k like a gay so you know, I say they created my whole existence and Pam Ann. It’s their fault so they can take responsibility.
TGUK: We’ll own that! We’re responsible for unleashing Pam Ann on the world. I think that’s something to be proud of…
PA: When I get put into a straight world I start talking about felching and fisting and straight people look at me horrified. They are completely freaked out and when I am in the company of my gays it is just a normal conversation. There are no gasps of horror. You know “Oh, he grinded my arsehole last night” is just a lunch conversation. But in the straight world that is like porn, you know? Thankfully I live in a very open minded gay community. I am very privileged.
TGUK: I saw you at the Bloomsbury Theatre last year and I say that 99.9 per cent of the audience was gay men and then the other 0.1 per cent was female flight attendants…
PA: Annoying s**t faced flight attendants that need their f**king mouths stitched up. Everyone was so into it in the audience, it was just such a good atmosphere and vibe in that room.
TGUK: You are in the US touring right now. Do you notice a difference in the audiences in the States and the UK?
PA: Oh f**k no, they are hysterical here. I mean just see Seattle, that audience was f**king insane. It was on par with shitfaced Glaswegians. No conservative f**king people in Seattle I tell you.
TGUK: Well you know, marijuana is legal there now, right? Gay marriage and pot in the same election.
PA: I mean they are all bohemian f**ked up people up there. That’s why I love them in Seattle. I mean I am going to really great places. In LA they have a bit of a chip on their shoulders, they are a little bit like, prove it. So they can be a little bit more reserved in LA because they all think that they should be on the stage and not me.
TGUK: You have some competition in LA?
PA: A lot, and they all look kinda f**ked up. You don’t know whether they are laughing or they just looking at you straight on cause they’ve got so much plastic surgery.
TGUK: Do you ever change your jokes to localise them for whatever area you are in?
PA: Absolutely, the first hour is improvised about them. That is why the show is 2.5 hours. It’s like a hijack situation! So it is all tailored to them, to every place I go. That’s the best part of my show and what I enjoy the most is winding them up.
TGUK: I was watching a documentary on Joan Rivers and there is one scene where she is in Middle America and someone gets offended and talks back to her and she kicks them out of the room. A lot of what you say is outrageous, have you ever had an incident like that?
PA: Oh f**k yeah. I mean 24 people walked out of my show in Nottingham. To me, that is the kudos, thank you. Goodbye! It’s too much for some of these straight people. I don’t care. Leave. Please leave, you are not nailed to the armrest, you can go. I say that sometimes you can go at any point that you like because I mean really I couldn’t give a flying f**k.
TGUK: It’s really impressive just being on stage for two and a half hours. Do you ever get nervous about forgetting anything or is it just so natural now that you don’t even think about it?
PA: I feel so sorry for people that have to sit through it for two and a half hours. I really do. For me, two hours is probably when I am really on a roll. If you come to a show and its 1.5 hours then I really hate you. Right. So gauge this. If I am on for half an hour, I’m dying. If I am on for an hour, I could be restricted to that time because of the venue. If I’m on for an hour a half I’m not really that into you as an audience and I am on for two hours, we were really into each other. If I am for two and a half hours, I want to f**k your arsehole. So it all depends.
TGUK: There should be a little chart in the programme that you provide with that for your shows…
PA: There should. You know in Seattle, we had two hours. It was rocking; it was amazing. You see I always get nervous, I always think that they might not come. There are times when I have had stage fright and it always stays with you, it never leaves. Like Bill Cosby said once, when you go to an audience and you trust each other, that’s when all the doors open in your head and you think, where the f**k did that come from? You know? But if you come out and you’re nervous, then the doors shut and you go on autopilot.
TGUK: What gigs are you most nervous about?
PA: It is most nerve racking when it means a lot to you. Say the London Palladium which a f**ked up one night. Then the second night, I made sure I didn’t. It’s a mindset, sometimes the expectation is really high that you get nervous but you need to learn how to deal with expectation. That’s why a lot of people never go far because the expectation is too high and it takes them too much out of their comfort zone. So I think nerves come but when you break that barrier, you can build on that. Corporate events f**king scare the living daylight out of my arse. And I hate to do them. I hate doing them, that’s why it costs so much money, because I do not want to do them. So it is very hard to get me to do anything corporate. Booking comedy in an environment they see at the Bloomsbury Theatre and they say I want that and you put that into a hotel ball room with a bunch of corporate people that are mainly heterosexual and they ask “why didn’t it work?”! You know its like, Meryl Lynch asked me to do a gig and this gay guy who was obviously organizing it get on his knees. And the big boss hated me and I ended up running out and they didn’t want to pay because thy were like, “that wasn’t funny” and I’m like, “you c**ts.” I mean nobody wanted to laugh because they were all watching the bosses because they all didn’t want to laugh at something that could be seen a racist in their eyes. So, you’re dealing with that. I pushed the boundaries so if I do corporate events and they say can you tailor it so it is not so this or that, I say yes. But once a raving f**king sailor from the suburbs of Australia… I can be a lady sure. But it’s in your nature; you can’t change a tiger’s spots can you?
TGUK: What was it like working with Cher?
PA: Well that was, if you’re talking nerves that was the ultimate nerve racking experience of my life. I wanted someone to actually push me down some stairs. I was already on the stage. I wanted someone to push me down and break all my bones in my body so I didn’t have to go on. I need that extreme excuse, I was just like so scared, I paced so much my dancer said I wore a hole in the dressing room. I was beside myself scared of that. I used to run compulsively, excessively over my lines. I used to cross them off like I was in a prison cell. Nerve racking, I mean nerve racking. There were 14,500 people in the arena supporting Cher, a gay icon, no one knew who the f**k I was. I was club act from Bromptons, I mean really, don’t forget your roots. Seriously I said to a guy yesterday about agents and managers. He said my agency is grindmyarsehole.com. GMA. Because the biggest gigs I’ve got are with Elton John and Cher were all done from people seeing me at Bromptons or Two Brewers. Just go work in a f**king club. That’s where you get the jobs, you’re not going to get that at an agency.
TGUK: You’re in the US right now but are you planning to come back to the UK to do any shows over here?
PA: Yes I am about to book the Drury Lane. Hot news. It’s huge, I want to do two shows. I’ve booked the 15th of December and I am hoping to book the 8th as well. I am bringing the global alliance back. I’m bringing all the old characters and new characters back. So it’s going to be called “Plane Filthy”. And that hot news off the press, I’ve not told anyone. Its not 100 per cent signed off yet, but you can leak it.
TGUK: Finally, one last question as we know you are about to go on stage. The Gay UK is launching our new safe sex campaign. Can you give some tips on safe sex?
PA: Well to be honest with you, I understand promiscuity because I am promiscuous and have been in the past a lot. I have been unsafe and had unprotected sex so I am no f**king angel. So, for me it’s been trial and error. Sexually transmitted diseases are scary and I have no easy answers so just try and make a f**king effort to do it. I’m not going to say I’m so safe because I have not been, but I am really safe think promiscuity comes from low self-esteem. I’ve had unsafe sex because I have had low self-esteem and self worth so I didn’t care. Because I have done cocaine there is that element of I don’t really care even if I die, I don’t care right now. Once you start to build and work on yourself and go to the gym, get a healthy diet, is when you are going to start to take care of yourself sexually. If I had a cock I would have died in the 80’s. Unfortunately I would have because I would have been a dirty whore. And that’s just the reality of it… I’m not doing really great for your campaign am I?