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  • INTERVIEW | Coming Out to the kids – Paul’s Story

    Here at THEGAYUK this month it’s all about Coming Out. We’ve spoken to two parents about their experiences of Coming Out to their children. Both of these parents were concerned about the impact of telling their story on themselves and their family and asked for their identities to be protected. So throughout this article pseudo names are used for both the parents and the children.

    The second is Paul, a 51 years old father from London, England. Paul has two now-adult children his son David, 25 years old and his daughter Janet, 23 years old.

    Tell us, how did you Come Out to your children?

    It’s very complex. My ex-wife, the mother of David and Janet, and I had been unhappy for about 5 years. I had met somebody who at the time was just a friend, but he wasn’t the reason my ex-wife and I separated. It was actually she who said: ‘Look I think it’s time we separated.’

    I didn’t protest too much, as I knew we had both been unhappy, and I had the support of someone else – who happened to be male. I moved out of the family home and went and stayed with him. I rented a home on my own, and we saw more of each other, then a year later we bought a house together. We wanted somewhere big enough for the children to come and stay. It was very important for me that I could see David and Janet.

    The children were gradually introduced to him as a friend. It always crossed my mind – do I tell David and Janet that he was my partner or do we just go on? David and Janet just accepted him and they liked him, they felt included and it felt like a family unit. They were happy because they felt loved and that’s what children want.

    Over time, our circumstances changed, we had a series of stressful events happen to both of us. We lost the house and ended up renting a small house. We just grew apart and eventually split up. I got a lodger in to help pay the rent. This lodger also happened to be gay. He had a boyfriend and all was good.

    Then about a year later, I met this chap who was twenty-seven. I had dated one or two other men before, around my own age, but the lodger didn’t like this chap and tensions resulted in my asking the lodger to leave. I gave him his month’s notice. David at this time was travelling abroad and Janet was at university.

    The lodger left without paying me his final month’s rent, which came as no particular surprise. But then I noticed he’d stolen something – a DVD player. I texted him asking him to return the item but got no reply

    The Police came, took my statement and made contact with the lodger, and it was then that the lodger texted Janet, my daughter, along the lines of:

    “you’ll want to know your dad’s the stereotypical gay, get c*ck at any cost and has had a string of over 60 boyfriends. I would think twice about sleeping under your dad’s roof because he’s a psychopath who’s likely to stab you.”

    The lodger contacted all my friends on Facebook and told them the same things. I had to get a harassment order, but by that time the damage had been done.

    I didn’t know any of this until I got a call from my ex-partner who said: ‘You’ve got a real problem. Janet knows everything.’ The ex-partner explained what had gone on.

    I didn’t have any contact with any of them: David, Janet or my ex-wife for three weeks, it was horrendous. I didn’t know what was going on in their heads. It was awful.

    My ex-wife eventually invited me round to dinner to break the ice; things are much better now.
    What were you worried about before you Came Out?

    The opportunity for me to tell them in my time was taken away from me in really brutal circumstances – and I still feel very bitter when I think about it. I have always been worried that my children may judge me, and that it would somehow make me less of a parent. I had always had a brilliant relationship with both my children, and didn’t want that destroyed.

    How old were your children when you Came Out to them?

    David and Janet were 24 and 22 when my ex-lodger decided to tell them about me. I still haven’t been able to discuss any of this with them.

     

    Has it made you closer to your children?

    I’ve always been a very hands-on dad. When they were younger I was probably the principle parent. I was the one who always went to parents evenings, took them camping, we used to do a huge amount together. We have always been close.

     

    Have any of your children told their friends or partner about your sexuality?

    When Janet told her friends, they were really sweet. A lot of them said: ‘Oh I always knew your dad was gay. Don’t worry about it.’

    David, my son, has gay friends. He’s very non-judgemental.

    I’m very proud of both of them.
    Have they spoke to you about how they felt when you Came Out to them?

    When it all happened Janet was very bitter and angry. She felt I’d lied. She felt that she’d been stuck with this problem while David was travelling.

    Janet has said since that they knew that I was gay, and that my ex-partner and I had been a couple as well. It was the shock in the way that they were told.

    David’s response was very touching and moving. He was still away travelling when it all happened and his response was: ‘Just make sure that dad is happy.’

    David has met my new partner, introduced as a friend. But I have no doubt that he will have put two and two together.

    They’re fine now but we’ve never talked about it properly. I think it will come to a point where I have to talk about it with them. I don’t know what they are thinking and that’s the difficult thing. But they talk a lot about my ex-partner. It’s almost as if they think that that’s acceptable but I’m not sure that anything else is yet.
    Did you access any sources of support before or after Coming Out to them?

    I had two sets of counselling: one from the GP and one from GMI Partnership. GMI Partnership offers sexual health and sexuality counselling and is run by volunteers. I had an amazing woman counsellor there who helped me enormously.

    I still find it difficult at times. I don’t call myself a ‘gay dad.’ I’m just a dad.
    What advice would you give to other parents thinking about Coming Out to their children?

    That’s a really difficult one because everybody’s experience is bound to be different. I still haven’t found my own particular answers.

  • FEATURE: X Factor’s Sam Callahan Naked

    Well, well well… it seems all our Christmases have come early. Whilst doing some, erm research on young X Factor hopeful Mr Callahan, we came across this little video of him skinny dipping for charity.

    Before the bright lights of X Factor a playful Sam Callahan promised to get naked for his debut single Crazy, which was in aid on the Teenage Cancer Trust, the YouTube video starts with Sam in the tub…

    It’s a 4:30 AM start, but Sam and his team move to the park, where he disrobes and gets butt naked for the cameras.

    It seems as though Sam is no stranger to getting naked in front of the camera, as he strips and enters the near freezing waters.

    With just a hat to hide Sam’s modesty, he climbs into the water.

    Sam remarked that the water was indeed ‘cold’

    Sam shows off his perfectly formed abs.

    Triumphant, Sam Callaham emerges from the waters. Wet and cold – but with a smile on his face.

    Sam Callahan goes head to head with the other boys in this evenings episode of The X Factor to win a place in the all important Judges’ Houses stage.

     

  • World’s largest pasta firm, Barilla, in hot water “won’t include gays in our ads”

    World’s largest pasta firm, Barilla, in hot water “won’t include gays in our ads”

    Barilla, one of the world’s largest pasta makers is facing a boycott today after its Chairman, Guido Barilla, said it would never use a gay couple in any of its adverts.

    Barilla, the world's biggest pasta manufacturer
    ©-jovannig-Depositphotos

    The company which was founded in 1827 and reportedly made €3.9b in revenues in 2010 has come under fire today after its chairman Guido Barilla, gave an interview to La Zanzara Radio24.

    He was answering a question regarding the lack of gay families in the company’s advertising. He suggested that gay couples would never been used saying,

    ‘ Our family is a traditional family,’ he added that he,

    ‘wouldn’t do an ad with a homosexual family not because I disrespect gays – they have their right to do whatever they want without disturbing others – but because I don’t think like them and I think that the family we try to address is anyway a classic family’.

    Barilla then went on to suggest that if gay people didn’t like the company’s value, they could ‘eat another brand’.

    The BBC are reporting that the gay rights group Equality Italia have called Barilla’s comments ‘offensive provocation’ adding,

    ‘We accept the invitation from the Barilla owner to not eat his pasta’.

    To read the full translation click here

    Aurelio Mancuso of Equality Italia urged for a boycott of the company’s pasta, sauces and other snacks.

    On Thursday the company’s press department released a statement called: ‘Guido Barilla’s Clarification on gays’.

    The statement reads,

    ‘With reference to remarks made yesterday to an Italian radio program, I apologize if my words have generated controversy or misunderstanding, or if they hurt someone’s sensitivity’.

    ‘Boycott Barilla’ became a trending topic around the world yesterday as thousands of users took to Twitter to complain about Barilla’s comments.

    One Twitter user wrote @RonGunzburger wrote,

    ‘Count me in for the #boycottbarilla! Lots of pasta brands out there. I don’t need to buy from an anti-gay bigot.’

    None of the UK’s big four supermarket’s stock Barilla’s pasta.

  • OPINION | Why don’t we come out?

    Over this month you will have no doubt read many articles and stories about how people have come out. Across the gay community, it is the one thing we all have in common; we all have a story to tell.

    Some are happy stories that strengthen relationships and make the ties that bind closer. Others have had negative effects on relationships for various different reasons. My personal experience was generally apathy. I had a lot of “yes, I know” and “oh, is that all?” I’m not exactly a stereotype either, I don’t like girls aloud, I’m not fashionable or into male grooming. I’m fat and a geek.

    Even working as a counsellor with LGBT clients who have not had a positive reaction, I have never come across anyone that has regretted doing so. Most are upset and hurt that they have been rejected but proud that they have found the strength to say proudly and honestly who they are.

    So what stops us from coming out? How do we rationalise this away? Here are a few things that may prevent people from my personal experience and work with clients.

     

    Fear of change

    Fear of change is probably being the biggest blocker for most changes, Whether or not we are looking at coming out, changing career, moving or ending a relationship. No matter how unhappy people are the fear of taking the leap into the unknown is enough to stop them.

    Change is scary but without it nothing will ever be any different. I remember waking up the morning after coming out to my parents and regretting it. I was scared because I did not know the rules anymore. I knew how to lie and manipulate the truth so they never found out. I did not know how to be open and honest with them. But in the longer term guess which option was less stressful and frustrating.

     

    They know anyway

    My rationale was always that I was 90% sure that my parents knew anyway, they had stopped asking about relationships and dating. It was the big pink elephant in the room that was not referred to. The 10% left was doubt because I had never discussed it and avoided the topic of conversation. The counsellor that I was working with at the time challenged me that if I was so sure why wasn’t I having the conversation. She was right; this was a very subtle form of denial. If we can avoid the situation then it does not need to be dealt with.

     

    Timing and circumstance

    Of course everybody has the right to do things at their own pace and circumstances. My fear of being outed was always around the fact that I felt it was my human right to have this conversation when I was ready. I had been confused as to what my actual sexuality was. When I was younger there were not a lot of positive role models around that I could identify with. To be a gay was to be effeminate and less of a man. That was how you were perceived and that didn’t fit with me. I was not confident in my sexuality or ready to have that discussion. Once I admitted to myself that I was gay, I knew that the conversation would need to happen

     

    They will hate me for lying to them

    I was 32, gay and hadn’t come out to my parents. I felt that I had gone past a reasonable amount of time where I could tell them. Aside from not telling them about my sexuality, I had close relationship to them. I was afraid that they would feel betrayed. The issue of me being gay no longer felt like a concern, the issue of me being a liar was very much present. When I came out to my parents I asked them if they felt this way, my dad had said it was my business and had I chosen not to tell them so he respected my privacy.

    So when it finally came down to it, all my reasons were blockers and negative thoughts. None turned out to be legitimate concerns. I appreciate that this will not ring true for everyone and I can’t tell you that it is an easy path to choose.

    But I can tell you this, I didn’t realise the weight I was carrying till it was gone. I respected myself a lot more for having been completely honest about the person I am and it has been the most liberating experience of my life. I know who I am now and so does the world.

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, it’s management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • Hillingdon’s First Support Group For LGBT People With Mental Health Issues

    Hillingdon Mind has recently employed a dedicated LGBT project coordinator whose sole role is to develop a support service for LGBT adults with mental health problems in the borough of Hillingdon.

    Support services that are to launch in early November will consist of a social group meeting once a week, trips and other enriching activities decided by members on a quarterly basis. There will also be a mentoring and buddying system that will aim to support those most in need.

    “Lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people are more likely to suffer mental health problems due to social isolation and prejudice attached to those identities, if we add to it the stigma attached to mental health, we have a very vulnerable group. I am pleased that Hillingdon Mind recognises it.” – Lukasz, LGBT Project Coordinator

    The project is still in its infancy, but Lukasz is already receiving enquiries. If you would like more information you can contact him via mobile: 07415151185 or email: lgbt@hilligdonmind.org.uk or visit Hillingdon Mind’s website for more information: www.hilligdonmind.org.uk/lgbt

  • NEWS: Terrence Higgins Trust Launches Its First Ever Supper Club At Home

    For more than 10 years, the HIV and sexual health charity has hosted its annual Supper Club, a glamorous dine-off at which dozens of London’s top restaurants donate a private table for Terrence Higgins Trust supporters. Last year, around 500 guests took part in more than 40 dinner parties, with tables at Gauthier Soho, Galvin La Chapelle, and The Square. (more…)

  • INTERVIEW | Coming out the kids – Linda’s Story

    Here at THEGAYUK this month it’s all about Coming Out. We’ve spoken to two parents about their experiences of Coming Out to their children. Both of these parents were concerned about the impact of telling their story on themselves and their family and asked for their identities to be protected. So throughout this article pseudo names are used for both the parents and the children.

    The first is Linda, a 55 years old mother from Glasgow, Scotland. Linda has two now-adult children her daughter Julie, 37 years old and her son Darren, 34 years old.

    Tell us, how did you Come Out to your children?Mine had a whole load of baggage built in; my relationship with my adult children was affable but inevitably affected by their marred childhood. And it was, thanks to a violently bipolar father, and a mother who must have appeared to pay more attention to him than to them.

    Difficult to cite diversionary tactics, although this was often true; he was perfectly capable of inflicting cruelty on them to make me suffer; obvious confrontation gave him power. Not the whole story, of course; I admit that I was a dutiful and pragmatic parent, rather than the sort of warm, cuddly mother that my own mum was.So after my husband’s death and my subsequent ecstatic love affair with my beautiful partner, it became apparent that I would need to tell the kids.

    I dreaded it.

    I prepared. Rehearsed. Lost sleep. Imagined worst-case scenarios. But it had to be done; I’m gay, whatever their reaction, I told myself; and I can’t keep it secret forever. This was at a moment when diplomatic channels were open and the climate looking propitious for the announcement, but that almost made it worse, in that there was so much more to lose.

    Things will always be tricky. But these things have to be worked at, and at least hailing frequencies are open.
    What were you worried about before you Came Out?

    I feared yet another barrier to add to the issues they already had with their father and me as parents.
    How old were your children when you Came Out to them?

    Julie was 29 and Darren was 27.

    Has it made you closer to your children?

    No, we’re not closer. I’m on good terms with both, but there are always underlying reservations.

    Neither of them is homophobic, but bear in mind that even liberal children can be shocked to think that their parents actually have sex – eeeeeew! – let alone a form of sex with which they may not be too familiar!
     

    Have any of your children told their friends or partner about your sexuality?

    I told Julie my daughter’s partner. He was totally cool with it. Darren my son presumably told his wife.

    Both children’s partners have always been supportive and affectionate. I have no idea whether my children have told their friends; possibly not, since my being a lesbian has never been considered a suitable topic for conversation with them.
    They wouldn’t hide it if asked, but as I don’t present as particularly butch and visit rarely, I’d be surprised if anyone would be that interested.
    Have they spoke to you about how they felt when you Came Out to them?

    As I gather from other people, individual children will take it differently, and so it proved. The elder, Julie claimed that it had been a matter of conjecture for some time, and that the news was neither a bombshell nor any big deal.

    The younger Darren operates on two levels: a saying level and a thinking level. Once I made it clear that my partner was not a 70s-style, aggressive, possessive, stuff-it-down-your-throat stereotype, the saying level was cautiously satisfied. Unfortunately, despite an outwardly liberal stance, I believe that his thinking level may have sustained another degree of separation.

    Did you access any sources of support before or after Coming Out to them?

    No. I cope with my own sh*t, apart from sharing (some of) it with my partner. I internalise. I also write, which is an excellent form of therapy!

    What advice would you give to other parents thinking about Coming Out to their children?(a) Do it.

    (b) If geographically possible, do it by stealth.

    Condition the kids to being used to seeing you with your friend, introduce the partner to family occasions, Christmas dinner etc., till the assumption of partnership is subliminally planted. Then mention something in passing that will leave them in no doubt, and move on, as if it were a given.The big, dramatic announcement is something I would avoid, if I had to do it again!
    Of course, if you’ve discovered your sexuality but don’t have a partner, telling the kids that you’re just off down to the leather bar or lesbian singles night could be a mistake…

  • Texan Gay Man Badly Beaten After App Hook Up

    A 24 year-old man from Springtown, Texas has ended up in hospital after a hook up on the MeetMe app went terribly wrong.

    Arron Keahey was beaten and brutalised by an 18-year-old suspect, after meeting up with him an hour after the two men struck up conversation on the MeetMe app.

    Keahey said to ABC News8 reporter Steve Stoler that he was ‘ambushed almost immediately’ after his arrival at the 18-year-old’s address saying,

    ‘He started getting all frustrated and talking all angrily,” Keahey said. “I don’t remember anything after that.’

    Police in North Texas are currently investigating the attack after Brice Johnson called 911 to say that he had ‘found Keahey outside his house in the trunk of a car.’

    The police later arrested and charged Johnson with aggravated assault, causing serious bodily injury and are treating it as a ‘possible hate crime,’ however as the victim doesn’t remember the attack and Johnson is also saying that he remembers very little about the incident.

    Keahey has broken facial bones, nerve damage and has lost some teeth. He will require corrective cosmetic surgery for his injuries.

     

    A spokesperson for the MeetMe app has said,

    ‘Safety is MeetMe’s top priority. To ensure that our 1 million daily users have a safe and enjoyable experience online, we employ a variety of human and technological filters that include real-time review of every image posted to the site and a zero-tolerance policy for interactions that violate our terms of service.

    ‘As this tragic incident illustrates, offline meetings can carry significant risk – which is why MeetMe prominently displays safety messages to every user of our mobile apps and logged-in users of our website see reminders at the bottom every screen about the dangers of meeting people they don’t know.

    ‘In addition, MeetMe created and operates the website www.socialsafety.org as a resource to help users and their families stay safe online and links to it from throughout MeetMe’s website and app.’

     

    To watch the news report click here.

  • Gay Couple To Join Channel 4’s Sex Box

    A gay couple take part in a sex experience in front of live studio audience for a Channel 4 progamme that aims to look at the sex lives of normal Britons.

    Three couples, which includes an engaged couple who were childhood sweethearts, a gay couple who have been together for 3 years and couple in their 20s.

    A spokesperson for Channel 4 said that the gay couple had wanted to take part in the show because it was a brilliant opportunity to show how ‘normal’ gay sex could be.

    Mariella Frostrup is to host the new show for Channel 4, which aims to reclaim sex from porn by ‘exploring how the ever-increasing consumption of pornography is distorting people’s expectations of sex and ultimately damaging the sex lives of Britons.’

    The show is to be recorded in front of a live studio audience, who like TV audiences will not see any sex or nudity.

    After each couples’ time in the box, they will talk with Frostrup and a panel of sexperts, which includes psychotherapist, broadcaster and author Phillip Hodson, sex, body language and relationship expert Tracey Cox and internationally syndicated sex columnist Dan Savage

    Sex Box presenter Mariella Frostrup said: “Ten years as the Observer’s Agony Aunt has given me plenty of insight into what an important role sex plays in our lives but also how difficult we find to talk openly about it to each other. The sex we see on screen, in magazines and increasingly online bears little relation to the real experiences of real people. I’m delighted to take part in this attempt to have a frank conversation about an essential element of all our lives. ”

    The actual Sex Box is a completely sound proofed box – however the walls are opaque, so audiences or the production crew will see little.

    Dan Savage said: “Many people have an easier time speaking honestly about sex with their friends – or with anonymous strangers online – than they do with their partners. But honest, fearless communication with the person (or persons!) with whom you actually have sex is central to creating successful long-term relationships. Sex is that important.”

    The show is to be broadcast on the 7th October.

    The Campaign for Real Sex Season starts on 30 September at 10pm with Porn on the Brain.

  • MUSIC REVIEW | Work Bitch

    ★★★★ Work Bitch | Last weekend when I awoke from the coma I had slipped into due to consuming copious amounts of wine  I came across the new single of the one and only Ms Britney Spears! My Sunday had just gotten a whole lot better.

    (more…)

  • COLUMN | Do the hustle

    For someone who has often led a colourful life, I can be incredibly naive at times. I blush a lot too, due to having fair colouring. Naivety can be sweet but it can also get you into a lot of unexpected trouble. One such example is Amsterdam. Naive people should steer clear of Amsterdam.

    I think it was around 2004 that I went there with my ex partner for a long weekend. For someone who’s in a couple and doesn’t much fancy smoking or eating dope, a lot of the usual delights are a little less than appealing but I went for the architecture and culture, honestly. We flew over and I was bemused to take my first ever budget airline flight. The in flight catering was mini tubes of Pringles, which tickled me and the stewardesses were wearing sweatshirts.

    I loved Amsterdam straight away. The hotel was roomy, if a little dated, the architecture was indeed beautiful and I really liked the giant phallic statue in Dam Square. The people were colourful and seemed laid back and cool, although we did get offered cocaine quite a lot as we walked about. It must have been something about the way I walk. We strolled about along canals, took in the Van Gough Museum and the Anne Frank House and had leisurely coffees outside. It was heavenly. It was autumn time and the leaves were turning brown and the canals looked romantic and picturesque. We did a little boat trip and were generally wholesome, mostly.

    I was perturbed by the bicycle riding epidemic. As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve never mastered riding a bike and think of it as witchcraft. There were many witches about. The trams were good fun though and full of fascinating looking eccentrics and oddballs. I quickly learnt never to stop and look at a map. This invariably summoned up a beggar who would initially behave as if he was performing a great public service and offering directions, followed by a request for cash, once he’d lulled you into a false sense of security.

    Being an inveterate people watcher, I loved the red light district at night. I found it utterly fascinating and was intrigued by the prostitutes with their tidy little cubicles and hygienic sinks and paper towels. I do like things clean. There seemed to be a definite pecking order with the prettier girls in tiny bikinis getting the more prominent windows and the gigantic Jabba the Hut types getting the more obscure ones. I’m not sure if there was a sliding scale of pricing or not. I didn’t like to ask. Equally intriguing were the men walking in and disappearing behind drawn curtains.

    We decided to try the Sex Museum, thinking it would be amusing and of course it was. We tittered at the antique sex toys, the Victorian porn (men had some fantastic moustaches in those days) and the gigantic penis in the entrance hall. The door with a warning to put off the easily offended puzzled me. On climbing the steps, walking in and spotting the pictures of a woman being remarkably overfriendly with an Alsatian, I realised that I do actually have some boundaries and am, amazingly, still capable of being offended. I scuttled out fast.

    I decided it would be fun to tour a few of the gay bars and had printed off a little guide. There were some amusing sights and a few which made me regurgitate a little. Lots of the bars had back rooms where men go to have sex. Naturally I peeked in. I can’t tell you what I saw as the hypnosis and the electro-shocks to the head have erased the grisly memories. It wasn’t pretty, is all I’m saying.

    There were two bars close together on the map, one advertised as a transvestite bar and another as a “hustler bar”. The transvestite bar was very friendly. I love a bad transvestite and was sadly disappointed to see a bevy of leggy beauties. Move along, nothing to chuckle at here. The bar man was a six foot Japanese boy in a long blonde wig and silver lame frock. I think he may have been 5 foot 2 without his heels and beehive hairdo. He was very chatty and kept a huge variety of items in his bra. They were having a little singsong and naturally, as the drink flowed, we were obliged to join in.

    I asked my ex what he thought a hustler bar was. He thought it was something to do with cowboys so I expected maybe a few chaps in chaps. I later recalled that that’s a rustler, not a hustler. I wondered if it was something to do with pool, thinking of the Paul Newman film. We were both wrong.

    The bar was long and narrow with a motley collection of dodgy looking older men perched on stools. The room went silent as soon as we entered and everyone stared at us. There was a moment a bit like the scene in “American Werewolf in London” when they enter The Slaughtered Lamb pub.

    Undeterred we headed to the bar for alcohol. At the end of the long bar was a raised platform with a pinball machine and couch and I was gratified to see a pool table. I felt vindicated and as ever, loved being right. I was wrong, of course. At the back of the bar was a curtained off doorway which I took to be the toilets. There were several youngish Eastern European blokes lolling about in provocative poses, languidly playing at playing pool, bending over the pinball machine or stretching out on the sofa. There were two free seats on the settee so I whispered to my ex that I was going to get us a seat on the platform.
    His hand shot out with lightening reflexes and grabbed my wrist: “That’s where the prostitutes sit.” He hissed. It dawned on me then what a “hustler” was and I blushed at my naivety. I’d almost put myself up for sale and I expect the lack of bids would have been embarrassing. I can just see myself now, the oldest prostitute, sitting alone on the couch, as the last boy was lead behind the curtain to the private rooms. We didn’t stay long. I hate to be upstaged.

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