THEGAYUK

Tag: 60 Second Movie Review

Our quick read Movie review format.

  • FILM REVIEW | Jack Reacher Never Go Back

    FILM REVIEW | Jack Reacher Never Go Back

    JACK REACHER NEVER GO BACK – Tom Cruise is back as the loner ex-military guy in the second Reacher film adapted from the 18th book in the hugely successful literary series.

    Jack Reacher review
    CREDIT: Paramount

    Nutshell – Jack Reacher, the ultimate loner with skills, has to go on the run with a female military officer as they are both in the frame for some murders in a Government conspiracy. Jack finds out he has had a daughter all along, and then all hell breaks lose from Washington to New Orleans and the body count goes up.

    Running Time – 118 minutes; Certificate – 12A

    Tagline – ‘Never Give In, Never Give Up, Never Go Back.’

    The Gay UK Factor – Patrick Heusinger is an out and out f***able stud muffin. This Florida-born hunk would not be kicked out of bed by any gay man anywhere in the World, but he does not show as much flesh here as he did in Oscar-winning Black Swan… shame.

    Cast – Tom Cruise, Cobie Smulders who if we were straight would be our ideal woman, Aldis Hodge reprising from Jack Reacher One and Heusinger who has shot to poll position in our crowded wank bank.

    Key Player – Lee Child who writes these books and delivers fully on the intrigue with regular doses of believable action and dialogue that would put Tarantino to shame. He even has a cameo here in the airport scene.

    Budget – $60 Million which is cheap for a Cruise movie and a sequel at that, so it was in profit after just the first week and racing over the $100 million mark, so on with Jack Reacher 3. That is if Tom can be arsed to do it as he is not big on sequels this being the only one he has ever done outside of the Mission Impossibles.

    Best Bit – 0.01 mins; So don’t be late as the opening unconnected set-up scene has such great dialogue it will settle you perfectly into a fun night at the flicks. You may have already seen this diner scene as it is one of the trailers put out for the movie.

    Worst Bit – 1.38 mins; The big Afghanistan reveal is pretty predictable with some serious bloopers, but what is worse it is largely underwhelming. Next time let’s have a bigger back plot or story, please.

    Little Secret – Cobie Smulders spent eight weeks learning several new martial arts so as she could and did do all her stunts in the film; she is one real feisty bitch. Cruise who always claims to do all his own stunts didn’t here, so that’s one for the girls. In the books, Reacher is 6.5″ of pure man muscle Tom Cruise is 5’7″ on a good day so nearer to a Hobbit than a US military tough guy and in his 50s too.

    Further Viewing – Jack Reacher 1, The A-Team, Incredible Hulk, Dirty Harry, Law Abiding Citizen, Man on Fire, Deathwish’s 1 to 5 and basically anything featuring lone vigilantes a true Hollywood staple.

    Any Good – This is so much better than the first film which we can hardly remember tbh, and there is a great prison escape scene which is pure Ethan Hunt . A lot is squeezed in here and there are a few scenes that are wasted we just wished the baddies’ story and plot could have been a bit bigger but it was made up for by casting such a f*ckable chief bad guy with hot henchmen too – we bet they get it on balls deep down the thug gym.

    Rating – 66 %

  • FILM REVIEW | The Magnificent Seven

    THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN – 56 years on from the original we get an almost note for note remake of the most famous Western ever made with big stars and modern day stunt action.

    Nutshell – They just don’t make films like this anymore. This is as old-fashioned as a guy using a condom for a shag in a London gay fetish bar or sauna. A town in peril recruits Seven loners to help defend them against a veritable army of bad guys, cue a very extended climax which not everyone is going to make it through in one piece – it feels very dated but that might be its charm and with two massive lead actors it is a worthwhile popcorn guzzler.

    Running Time – 133 minutes; Certificate – 12A

    Tagline – ‘Justice Has A Number’.

    The Gay UK Factor – Two hours of hot men in cowboy gear, it’s like Brokeback Mountain with a lot more sweat and testosterone. There is a massive subliminal gay undercurrent between two of the Mag 7 who always seem just 5 seconds away from slipping their tongues up each other’s mouths and jumping into the ‘saddle’ to explore the reverse cowboy position for a decent shag. The fact that the two guys in question are the hottest men here namely Pratt and Garcia-Rulfo make this virtual Western gay porn.

    Cast – The Seven are – Denzel Washington, Chris Pratt (Hot off of Guardians of the Galaxy and Jurassic Park), Ethan Hawke, Vincent D’Onofrio, our newest man crush Manuel Garcia-Rulfo plus two more and Peter Sarsgaard on bad guy duties.

    Key Player – Denzel Washington just has that star quality that holds your attention in any scene of any movie and no difference here – and it’s his first time in cowboy gear.

    Budget – $90 Million, Not a runaway hit but will turn a small profit we predict.

    Best Bit – 1.40 mins; When the bad guys get out their secret weapon and the tables take a major turn for the worse against our team of Seven and their townsfolk buddies.

    Worst Bit – 0.45 mins; Still travelling around the Midwest recruiting the allotted number of outlaws/vigilantes but it’s getting a bit repetitive now.

    Little Secret – This is a remake of the original Mag 7 from 1960 which itself was a remake of the Seven Samurai from Six years earlier. The ‘So Far So Good’ joke told by Chris Pratt is the same as the Steve McQueen joke in the original. Pratt’s horse was the same talented beast that starred in Spielberg’s War Horse movie.

    Further Viewing – This is as generic a Western as you will see so anything from True Grit to Rio Bravo, High Noon, The Searchers, Stagecoach, Unforgiven or even gay cowboy porn like Fisting Ranch Hands or To The Last Man where a bottle of Jack Daniels is used as a dildo!

    Any Good – Actually yes it is – there is nothing overly clever here but you will be engaged as the slow build of the film leads to the extended action climax where you really route for all the protagonists some of which probably won’t make it out alive.

    Rating – 54/100 (54th out of the last 100 films reviewed with 1 being Gay UK filmatic heaven and 100 being a dud).

  • FILM REVIEW | Inferno

    FILM REVIEW | Inferno

    INFERNO – First we had The DaVinci Code then Angels and Demons now the fourth Robert Landon story becomes the third Dan Brown film adaption.

    film review of Inferno with Tom Hanks
    Jonathan Prime – (c) 2015 CTMG, Inc. All rights reserved.

     

    Nutshell – Tom Hanks globe trots across Europe once again working out cryptic historical clues in another intelligent adventure from one of the Worlds favourite authors. This time the race is against the clock to save mankind from an apocalyptical plague that a nutter has created who has laid the trail along the descent Dantes legendary inferno.

    Running Time – 121 minutes that fly by; Certificate – 12A

    Tagline – ‘Every clue will take him deeper’, ‘Humanity’s last hope’

    The Gay UK Factor – Mr blue eyes himself and one of America’s finest hunks of manhood Ben Foster struts his sexy as f*** stuff as the bad guy and boy does he fill out a designer suit well and we love a stud who dresses to the left suited and booted.

    Cast – Tom Hanks (looking old) v Ben Foster (looking buff) helped by Felicity Jones, Omar Sy and Irffan Khan reunited after living through Jurassic Park.

    Key Player – Dan Brown, the writer who stopped the world with the DaVinci Code’s reveal about the Last Supper picture and Jesus having a child comes up with more great inventive twists in a great thriller that wraps straight from today’s headlines mixes in great art and historical locations and then adds loads of chases so what’s not to like.

    Budget – $75 Million but the yanks aren’t getting it so not busting blocks there but it is storming museum and cinema walls Internationally making a small fortune so easily making up for America’s lack of class here.

    Best Bit – 0.58 mins; A deadly chase across a museum rooftop which is oh so tense with a stunning final stunt… Does everyone live?

    Worst Bit – 1.40 mins; A very aged Hanks has to start fighting the baddies mano et mano when he would obviously rather be at home watching Country File with a mug of Horlicks.

    Little Secret – Neither Director Ron Howard or star Tom Hanks ever do live action sequels (The exception being Toy story). This trio is their one exception but they see the books as all stand alone projects so don’t count as sequels. So don’t get your hopes up for Forrest Gump 2:Back to the chocolates, Apollo 14, Sleepless In San Francisco or Philadelphia:The PrEP Years.

    Further Viewing – Obviously The DaVinci Code and Angels and Demons then Jack Reacher, The Girl On The Train, The Game, Gone Girl and Insomnia.

    Any Good – It is not as good as the previous two films but they set a very high bar. This is still a very entertaining two hours with not a wasted scene as all the explanation is craftily woven in and out of the action and the big set pieces. Another very clever piece of work from this franchise.

    Rating – 56%

  • FILM REVIEW | Sausage Party

    FILM REVIEW | Sausage Party

    SAUSAGE PARTY – Very adult full length animation movie about life inside a supermarket for the foodstuffs; Think South Park with a lot more sex jokes and liberal use of the c word… and it is making a fortune.

    Courtesy of Sony Pictures - © 2016 CTMG, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
    Courtesy of Sony Pictures – © 2016 CTMG, Inc. All Rights Reserved.paul

    Nutshell – A sausage and his mates start to question that there future may not be all there beliefs and food gods tell them when they are eventually purchased and taken out of the supermarket. On top the desire of the lead character sausage to get inside a female soft bun is all encompassing. Think an 18 cert version of Family Guy or The Simpsons and it is one of the funniest films you will ever see.

    Running Time – 89 minutes; Certificate – 15.

    Tagline – ‘She’s Got Buns, Son” and “Check Out His Package”.

    The Gay UK Factor – Loads of dick jokes, f***ing jokes, used condoms and a load of swearing – you get a f*ck, motherf*cker and a ‘see you next Tuesday’ in the opening minute and it doesn’t let up. There is a Jewish guy and a Muslim guy who obviously hate each other until they start gay ass banging using hummus for lube that would be heard from both sides of the Israeli West Bank. This is 100% boys only humour and the last 10 minutes is a scream with the biggest sex orgy ever put on screen.

    Cast – (Voices) Seth Rogen, Kristen Wiig, Jonah Hill, James Franco, Salma Heyek, Paul Rudd, Michael Cera, Bill Hader, Edward Norton – now that is an awful lot of funny folk.

    Key Player – This is Seth Rogen’s baby and he is involved in all parts of it. If you like his type of humour or indeed any of the adult animated TV shows currently filling the airwaves then this treatise on atheism, religion and unbridled lust is for you.

    Budget – $19 Million, Already made 5 times its budget back and only released in one territory – a bona fide blockbusting hit. Hot Dog this is starting to look like the most profitable movie of the Year – who knew adults would flock to such a gross out cartoon.

    Best Bit – 0.75 mins; You will cheer when the foodstuffs finally turn on the shoppers, which leads to the bad guy’s ass being seriously douched on the way to that massive ginormous orgy.

    Worst Bit – 0.04 mins; There is an opening big number which is trying to be South Park and is not catchy or funny and with no other songs in the movie just seems out of place.

    Little Secret – This is the first CGI film in history to get an R Rating (The next rating is X which excludes it from many cinema chains)….Guess what, it has become the highest grossing R Rated animation in history beating the South Park Movie and it cost absolute peanuts. An average Pixar film like say Finding Nemo or Toy Story costs 100 million to make this came in at less than one fifth and is really busting blocks worldwide.

    Movie Mistake – All the characters are apparently aware of the concept of humans eating, and that they are foodstuffs themselves, yet act horrified when they discover that they are to be eaten later on… big plot hole.

    Further Viewing – Cross them off, Family Guy, American Dad, The Simpsons Movie, South Park: Bigger Longer & Uncut, Meet The Feebles (Except the AIDS stuff), Team America: World Police, Watership Down and even Beavis & Butthead if you must.

    Any Good – Humour is the ultimate marmite. This really has split the reviewers and fans right down the middle. Hopefully, you like us will laugh until your sides hurt or will be wandering what all the fuss is about. Time to suck the sausage, test your gay reflex and see.

    Rating – 22%

  • FILM REVIEW | Mechanic Resurrection

    MECHANIC RESURRECTION – The sexiest man alive is back in the sequel to his 2011 actioner which itself came from the 1972 original- testosterone level turned up to 11.

    Nutshell – Jason Statham returns to one of his many movie franchises. Retired and in hiding (so far so Jason Bourne) he is forced to travel the world to commit three impossible assassinations to rescue the love of his life (shame it is not a guy – surely this guy must be in the closet). From Rio to Thailand to Sydney and beyond mayhem and incredible stunts is the the ultimate outcome.

    Running Time – 98 minutes; Certificate – 15.

    Tagline – “Four Continents, Three Kills; They Hired Him, They Betrayed Him, They Will Pay”.

    The Gay UK Factor – The Stath gets his shirt off in all his films but here he goes mad. Basically there are very few scenes here where he actually has his clothes on so not so much a movie for your wank bank as a movie that will entirely destroy your right arm. Jason turns up as a prisoner, security guard, repairman, soldier, in a suit, swimming trunks etc etc in a 2016 version of the Village People with added chest hair.

    Cast – Jason Statham, Jessica Alba, Tommy Lee Jones, Michelle Yeoh and a endless line of muscle hunks to get sweaty with in mano et mano action for the whole duration.

    Key Player – These movies are star vehicles, basically if Jason wasn’t in it then it would simply not be made and here he has one of his biggest budgets ever in a film which is wholly tailored to his strengths – number one of which is his huge schlong – clearly visible on the beach and in the underwater scenes – then of course there are the gratuitous lingering ass shots.

    Budget – $40 Million, These films never make their money back at cinemas but from DVD and TV and this bigger production than normal will be no different.

    Best Bit – 0.20 mins; Where you get the start of 15 straight minutes of the Sath’s nipples on a Phuket beach.

    Worst Bit – 1.32 mins; The big surprise twist or reveal at the end is pretty pathetic and a real let down – let’s just say this is no Usual Suspects or Sixth Sense knock out blow – he should have got his prick out instead now that would have been a closer.

    Little Secret – If you are ever in LA, Jason works out quietly and sweats like mad at the Gold’s Gym right by LAX airport so make sure you make that your gym of choice for your trip and join the queue to see him naked and soaped up in the open showers.

    Movie Mistake – The watch which is so key to the story is missing from Jason’s wrists in thousands of scenes throughout the film – very strange for such an important macguffin. Hey Ho this is his application for the part of Bond with two sequences even filmed in former Bond famous locations.

    Further Viewing – Seeing as Jason holds the world record for the most number of Movie franchises ever with eight you are spoiled for choice. Try Spy, The Transporter 2, Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, The Expendables 3, Crank 2 and Fast & Furious 7 or any film with a number in it.

    Any Good – As Formulaic as ever with the only new thing here being the huge globetrotting going on (the location scout deserves a pay rise) and of course the increased Statham flesh count. A movie for straight guys to live out and hide their gay fantasies and for gay guys to freeze frame for years to come.

    Rating – 74%

  • FILM REVIEW | Suicide Squad

    SUICIDE SQUAD – A team of badguys are moulded into the ultimate bad-ass superhero team in DC Comics keystone answer to the Avengers.

    Nutshell – The US Government decide that the best way to deal with any future superhero nasty fukkas from outer space is to form there own band of super villains and blackmail them into action. First job to save the world from a real bitch on heat, roll into the mix of all the future household names we get appearances from Batman, Superman, the Joker and other comic faves.

    Running Time – 123 minutes; Certificate – 15.

    Tagline – ‘Worst Heroes Ever’ ‘Justice Has A Bad Side’.

    The Gay UK Factor – There is some serious machismo going on here for two guys that have testosterone coming out of every part of their pecs and glutes. Joel Kinnaman uniformed throughout in military fatigues as Rick Flag the military officer put in charge of the squad is matched by squad member Aussie sex god Jai Courtney as Boomerang. If they f**k in the sequel then it could become the biggest film of all time.

    Cast – Will Smith, Jared Leto, Margot Robbie, Viola Davis, Jai Courtney and most notably the world’s leading supermodel Cara Delevingne plus celeb cameos.

    Key Player – Mr Summer Blockbuster himself the most bankable star in Hollywood a certain Will Smith. He gets some genuinely funny lines and just looks and feels like a superhero with his new shaved head putting everything to good use he learned in Hancock. There are film stars and then there is Willard Carroll ‘Will’ Smith Jnr.

    Budget – $175 Million which was money well spent as already made quarter of a billion back at the Box Office and more importantly it has many future franchises dependent on it which are all green lit now.

    Best Bit – 0.48mins; So many great little sequences and action beats but when the writing is so solid that the best sequence is the first macho posturing meet with all the great word play when the squad meet their military bosses.

    Worst Bit – 1.25 mins; The elephant in the room here is does this film need the Jokers involvement? With so many previous great screen appearances it is hard to get Heath Ledger and Jack Nicholson out of your mind and Jared Leto misses by a country mile. Yes he has some great Ledger type lines but he has nothing really to do with the plot here.

    Little Secret – Jared Leto got so immersed in playing The Joker that he sent his fellow cast members “Joker-like” presents: a live rat to Margot Robbie, bullets to Will Smith, sticky Playboy magazine to Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje and a dead pig and some anal beads and used condoms to the crew….we’ll take the anal beads thank you.

    Movie Mistake – Rick Flag’s hair length continually changes throughout the movie showing clearly the number of re-shoots that are here or maybe the director was still hoping to get his first choice Tom Hardy back from The Revenant. How does Harleyquin get into a lift, wave goodbye to the squad for them all to be waiting for her at the top when the lift doors open?

    Further Viewing – Endless Batman films, Superman films, Avengers films, Guardian films we are not short of superhero movies now or anytime in the near future judging by this, Captain America and Deadpool’s haul.

    Any Good – This is a very cool film indeed. From the opening scene to the post credit stinger, through clothing, visuals and music we are deep in indie territory here hanging with the kids in school everybody thinks are cool. Yes it is a great film, to some people it will be the movie they have waited for all their lives to others it wont even be the best superhero film of the year. We believe this is the start of something pretty big though.

    Rating – 79% ????????

     

  • FILM REVIEW | Jason Bourne

    FILM REVIEW | Jason Bourne

    JASON BOURNE – The 5th film in the saga of the memory loss super-spy and former FBI agent. Matt Damon is back after the Jeremy Renner misfire

    CREDIT: universal pictures
    CREDIT: universal pictures

    Nutshell – Picking up where the third movie left off and completely passing over number four this time coming staight out of the headlines with a massive wikileaks style hack story. Our hero gets dragged back out of hiding (again) to defeat those nasty plotting American war mongerers. This time he heads to Athens, Berlin, London Paddington and Las Vegas and the action is pretty non-stop with superstar Brit director Paul Greengrass back in charge of the mayhem (The only reason for Damon’s return)

    Time – 123 mins; Certificate – 12A.

    Tagline – ‘You Know His Name’ a play on the James Bond Casino Royale ‘You Know My Name’ tag.

    The Gay UK Factor – Don’t be late arriving as the hottest scene is right at the start when we get Matt Damon in a shirtless illegal underground fight club with plenty of sweat, muscle and blood for your right wrists attention.

    Cast – Matt Damon. Tommy Lee Jones, Alicia Vikander, Scott Sheperd, Vincent Cassel and franchise regular the truly gorgeous Julia Styles.

    Key Player – The British Superstar director Paul Greengrass who is unbeaten in making great exciting hit blockbuster movies straight out of the headlines. From Bloody Sunday to United 93, from Green Zone to Captain Phillips plus two pevious Bourne movies he is able to make the Stephen Lawrence case, 9/11, The Irish Troubles, The Somali Pirates etc into pure thought provoking entertainment and here he does it again with whistleblower Julian Assange – this movie might not be shown in the Ecuadorian Embassy!

    Budget – $120 Million but it’s already made $160 Million with a lot of legs left in it yet – a bona fide deserved hit where Hollywood does what it is best at and that is simply repeat what has worked before ad-infintum. Matt Damon is awaiting the phone to ring for number six surely.

    Best Bit – 0.36mins; There is a stunt in the final sequence which could go straight up against the opening chase in TMNTurtles as the best action clip of the year. As we are not into spoilers then the second best bit is a very tense possible death scene of a major character at the end of the Athens chase.

    Worst Bit – 1.02 mins; The upside of Bourne films is their realism but the problem with this is that we often expect a lot more than real life from our Hollywood entertainment. The bad guy here and the threat factor is not that huge in an era where we are used to world threatening bond villains or nasty geezers out to blow up the world – computer threat of secrets from a guy in a suit is a bit passe.

    Little Secret – The Las Vegas car chase sequence took five weeks to shoot and at the end the sequence wrecked 170 cars – They were only allowed to film on the strip between midnight and 5AM. They could not film the Greek scenes there as the taxes were too high due to that country’s financial woes so they mocked up Tenerife to look like Athens instead.

    Movie Mistake – A lot of car trouble, a number of times in the Las Vegas car chase you can see no driver in the vehicles, during a huge crash no airbags are deployed and four times the vehicles pass Bally’s and Paris Casinos on the strip which probably shows us how little access they actually had over the busy Vegas streets. Also why no-one noticed that the Audi Bourne hires in London has the steering wheel on the left side we will never know.

    Further Viewing – Four Bourne films and 25 Bond movies to begin with. Also Kingsman, The Ipcress File, Bridge Of Spies, Mission Impossible, Spy Game, The Third Man, 24 and Spooks.

    Any Good – Yes this is ace and worthy of the original trio that went before it. The action is spot on and the directing is out of this world. Matt Damon looks great and has this character locked down now. The others have great sequences but this is probably the best all round movie of the franchise.

    Rating – 70%

     

     

  • FILM REVIEW | The Legend Of Tarzan

    FILM REVIEW | The Legend Of Tarzan

    THE LEGEND OF TARZAN – The eternal story of the jungle hero brought up by apes who turns into a 6’4″ plus sweaty almost nude muscle man is back.

    Legend Of Tarzan
    CREDIT: Warner Bros

     

    Nutshell – The story has been filmed so many times over the last 98 years and here he gets his biggest budget yet in both an original story and an adventure involving diamonds and nasty Euro villains. Starting in England as the grown up suited and booted Lord Greystoke we get to flashback to the loss of his parents, the adoption by gorillas and how he met Jane before his Lordship whips his clothes off to start swinging through the jungle in the main plot for a bit of revenge, rescue the missus and to sort out some international political shenanigans and save the day. Thank goodness here he can communicate with the animals as he sure needs there help big time.

    Time – 110 mins; Certificate – 12A.

    Tagline – ‘Human…Nature’.

    THE GAY UK FACTOR – Well you have to wait 30 minutes until you get to see a nipple thereafter it is 90 minutes of rippling sweaty muscle running, jumping and wrestling with other buff men. Tarzan is played by Alexander Skarsgard the hottest piece of Swedish blonde manhood you have ever seen. If you want more check out the new gay porn parody Tarzan from Men.com starring porn superstar Diego Sans with his 10 incher stumping every man up the butt who steps into his jungle like an ape on heat and banging his chest and letting out his infamous shout when he cums the choice is yours !.

    Cast – Alexander Skarsgard (Zoolander 2), Margot Robbie (The Wolf Of Wall Street), Christoph Waltz (Spectre), Jim Broadbent (Moulin Rouge), Ben Chaplin (Cinderella) and Samuel ‘I’ve had it with these motherf***ing snakes on this motherf***ing plane’ L. Jackson.

    Key Player – Christoph Waltz is the only stand out in a sea of beige here. A great scene stealing actor ever since Tarantino launched him into the big time a decade ago and here he adds another complete bastard to his run of Nazi’s in Inglorious Bastards or his Blofeld in the latest James Bond.

    Budget – $180 Million, One of the biggest budgets of the Summer but we are looking at a merely break-even film here, so no profit, no sequel and no franchise…..oh dear!

    Best Bit – 0.50 mins; Tarzan and buds swing on vines onto a fast-moving train which is a very entertaining but unnecessary action set-piece.

    Worst Bit – 0.20 mins; Basically the whole first act is slow going, get your kit off man and fight something so we watch those muscles move and smell those pits.

    Little Secret – The 6’4″ actor had to get his bod in shape twice as the cast had to return 8 months later for re-shoots. He said, “We have an outline already for the sequel in which Tarzan gains weight. Tarzan remains hairy and does not have eight pack abs. It has no action and Tarzan eats cake, lots of cake. I wrote it.”…..no worries there is no sequel wanted here.

    Movie Mistake – The bad guys death right at the end has a couple of hideous errors check them for yourself as we are not into giving spoilers here.

    Further Viewing – The International Movie Database lists over 200 Tarzan films over the last 98 years so when done with those try The Jungle Book (2016), Fitzcarraldo, Romancing The Stone, Congo & even George Of The Jungle.

    Any Good – Not really considering that budget. There is plenty of action and a heavily CGI’d finale which hardly engages but the acting is so phoned in and the editing is appalling jumping back in time as and when and leaping the main story onwards with an unexplained blur – you will switch off before the end after all the whole cast except Waltz do. Decent wanking material though.

    Rating – 81/100 (81st out of the last 100 films reviewed with 1 being Gay UK filmatic heaven and 100 being a dud).

  • FILM REVIEW | Ghostbusters

    FILM REVIEW | Ghostbusters

    GHOSTBUSTERS – New York is flooded by angry ghosts once again – who ya gonna call ?… The all female reboot that’s who.
    The Ghostbusters Abby (Melissa McCarthy), Holtzmann (Kate

    Nutshell – Thirty-two years after you first heard that legendary song and saw that logo the female Ghostbusters take over with a mega budget and a host of famous cameos plus all the major players (in different roles) from the original films. From the team that brought you recent megahits like Bridesmaids and Spy, means you are in very safe hands with four former Saturday Night Live girls in the lead roles who know how to get laughs a plenty. It has exactly the same tone as the original two movies and is great fun. Bustin’ makes us feel good.

    Time – 116 mins; Certificate – 12A.

    Tagline – ‘Who Ya gonna Call’ & ‘Answer The Call’.

    THE GAY UK FACTOR – If THEGAYUK office was making a Ghostbusters movie we would put Chris Hemsworth in tight T-shirts in as many scenes as possible. We would show several shots of the 6’4″ Aussie muscle hunk with his shirt off and we would close the movie with a three minute private lap dance with the sex god over the credits. Guess what the producers give us exactly all that and more and therefore topping up to our wank bank to the brim.

    Cast – Melissa McCarthy, Chris Hemsworth’s ass, Kristen Wiig, Chris Hemsworth’s pecs, Bill Murray, Chis Hemworth’s cock, Charles Dance, Chris Hemworth’s abs, Ozzy Osbourne, Chris Hemsworth’s thighs and an awful lot more of Chris Hemsworth and some other actors too…

    Key Player – Melissa McCarthy is the current queen of comedy and she leads from the front here in what should be an ensemble piece. She has so many funny lines many of which she ad-libbed. She is on the biggest roll in Hollywood at the moment with twelve straight hits and no misses and it won’t stop here.

    Budget – $144 Million, It will make a profit but won’t bust blocks as may have been hoped for it but a sequel will follow as set-up nicely with the post credit twist.

    Best Bit – 1. 44 mins; The end credits are simply great, with funny comedy clips, outtakes, sequel teasers and that Chris Hemsworth dance routine which caps out the whole movie nicely.

    Worst Bit – 21.00 mins; The big bad is neither very big or very bad and the film really picks up when in Scooby Doo type fashion the evil spirit starts to take over various main cast members and upping both the fun and jeopardy.

    Little Secret – When the movie was first assembled it was a butt clenching 4 hours and 15 mins long so some severe editing was required. As of today its trailer on YouTube was the most hated of all time as fans did not like the idea of the original guys being replaced by gals.

    Movie Mistake – Lots. After the first ghostly encounter when Erin is covered in gloop she hugs Abby who in the next shot has no gunk on her whatsoever, the ghostbusters vehicle Ecto 1 appears in their garage HQ before they have even acquired it in the story and the evil spirit can control a whole army of men and makes them dance but stupidly appear to have no power over the four ghostbusting girls who are obviously the real threat.

    Further Viewing – Ghostbusters 1 & 2, Men In Black 1 & 2, Bridesmaids, The Boss, Heat, Sister Act or anything with Sandra Bullock or Bette Midler in.

    Any Good – Perfectly adequate no more and no less. We have a suspicion that now all the homages to the original is out of the way that the sequel will be truly great. A weird kind of experience where after a neat opening scene, the movie then dips substantially and then gets gradually builds and gets better and better throughout as it progresses to a very lively climax . Giving you a marathon feel rather than a sprint.

    Rating – 51/100 (51st out of the last 100 films reviewed with 1 being Gay UK filmatic heaven and 100 being a dud).

  • FILM REVIEW | Nice Guys

    THE NICE GUYS – Bad cop, meaner sidekick in 70s set LA based film noir mystery thriller … and boy is it funny.

    Nutshell – Ryan Gosling’s ex-cop bumps into Russell Crowe’s hard case alcoholic hard nut investigator in a buddy movie where they simply hate each other. There is a dead porn star called Misty Mountains a femme fatale with a problem that goes right to the top. Slapstick, action, plot twists all laced with the Seventies feel of a Blaxpotation movie and Boogie Nights. The music is great, the story superb and the laughs between the two leads are plentiful.

    Time – 116 mins; Certificate – 15

    Tagline – ‘Nice Pair….They’re not that nice’.

    THE GAY UK FACTOR – Two of the sexiest men alive Gosling and Crowe going full mano et mano for the duration. This is masculine men ripping on each other and beating one another up rather than off for the duration. If you like either of these two guys you will truly love this and the film is about the porn industry too.

    Cast – Russell and Ryan, Angourie Rice and the gorgeous Kim Basinger.

    Key Player – Shane Black the director. A true pet project from the Iron Man director and writer of all the Lethal Weapon films, The Last Boy Scout and Last Action Hero. This guy knows buddy films as he in effect invented them and this is his masterpiece of the genre.

    Budget – A relatively modest $50 Million with stars of this calibre but period films always cost a lot so that money would be quickly mopped up. No problem as it got into profit in under two weeks and there is a lot more money on the way for this one.

    Best Bit – 1.05 mins; The secret is the interplay between the two leads and it is best shown in a comedy masterclass inside a toilet closet.

    Worst Bit – 1.10 mins; The unnecessary dream sequences the first one leading to a car crash just don’t fit with the films tone – who needs giant bee’s etc ?

    Little Secret – The project was initially proposed as a TV series but was re-tooled as a film after the pilot seemed to be going nowhere – good decision.

    Movie Mistake – As with all period pieces there are so many – both the Earth Wind & Fire songs in the club were not released when the movie was set and the song “Get Down On It” was 5 years later. Posters for Blondie who weren’t even formed then and TV shows and films such as London Calling did not exist in 1977 when this was set.
    Further Viewing – Lethal Weapons 1 through 4, Hot Fuzz, Men In Black, Hollywood Homicide, In Bruges and most of all the Rush Hour series.

    Any Good – This is pure cinema marmite if you like the tone it will be one of your favourites of the year if not you will just enjoy it as a decent well acted comedy thriller..

    Rating – 67/100 (67th out of the last 100 films reviewed with 1 being best and 100 being a damp squib).

  • FILM REVIEW | Absolutely Fabulous The Movie

    FILM REVIEW | Absolutely Fabulous The Movie

    ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS : THE MOVIE – The good time girls of PR and fashion are back to expand the hit TV show in possibly the gaiest film ever made.

     

    Nutshell – 25-years after the show debuted we finally get the movie version we wanted. Picking up in real-time the WHOLE cast of major and minor characters are back all a bit older but just as funny this time round. Edina Monsoon (Jennifer Saunders the writer) has lost all her money and desperately needs new clients which leads to a tragic accident resulting in both Edina and walking drug cabinet Patsy Stone (Joanna Lumley having to go on the run to the South of France to do a bit of goldigging with an old flame played by Barry Humphries and ‘hilarity ensues’ in this cameo heavy laugh out loud pop culture juggernaut.

    Time – 91 mins; Certificate – 15.

    Tagline – ‘It’s A Huge Great Bloody Movie, Sweetie’.

    THE GAY UK FACTOR – So wonderfully camp Ab Fab makes Pride and Priscilla look like Rocky and Rambo by comparison. With early cameos from a Spice Girl, Lulu, Graham Norton, Rylan Clark, Dame Edna and Biggins it wraps itself in the gay flag with sequins on from the get go. Later it even goes to the Royal Vauxhall Tavern with a sing-a-long from a hundred drag queens led by La Voix and Jodie Harsh so this is gayer than Ricky Martin doing Louie Spence in the front row of an ABBA reunion show with Kylie holding the lube and we just love it.

    Cast – Basically everyone – All the main cast Jennifer Saunders, Joanna Lumley, Julia Sawalha, Jane Horrocks, June Whitfield, Kathy Burke etc plus endless cameos (see above) plus Kate Moss, Rebel Wilson, John Hamm, Jerry Hall, Joan Collins, Dawn French, Gaultier, Hilton, Tempah, McCartney and a hundred others.

    Key Player – Joanna Lumley has been gifted by Saunders with all the best lines for years and she does not just deliver them with her usual style she now basically lives inside Patsy’s skin making one of the most recognisable gay icon characters in history and this is her ultimate high-heeled platform to entertain.

    Budget – $20 million but it will make back a fortune. When TV comedy hits on film like The Inbetweeners or Alan Partridge it runs and runs as opposed to flops like The Harry Hill or Bad Education movies so the cash will rightly flow. The difference here is that this one will score overseas too especially in North America.

    Best Bit – 0.20 mins; When you get a great scene where the PR guru’s are in full mode planning a lavish event lead by Kathy Burke on powerhouse form closely followed by the star-studded hugely funny red carpet which is so fast paced that you want it to last a whole lot longer.

    Worst Bit – 90.00 mins; Nothing wrong with the film at all and it keeps the tone and laugh quotient high throughout. The big disappointment is the soundtrack which could have been a gay classic and a CD to treasure for years but nothing that exciting or inventive here so give iTunes a miss unless you really want an average version of Kylie rehashing “Wheels On Fire” and some French ballads.

    Little Secret – Dawn French in an attempt to get the film kickstarted bet Jennifer Saunders £10,000 that she wouldn’t have a movie script for Ab Fab finished by the end of the year (2015). Dawn lost when the script was delivered but later found that after page 35 there was nothing typed other then Blah, blah, blah. June Whitfield btw turned 90 during filming – go girl!

    Movie Mistake – TBH we were laughing so much that we didn’t notice any real bloopers. There was some average stunt scenes where obviously vehicles have no drivers in them or are male stunt drivers but who really cares, just enjoy.

    Further Viewing – All the camp classics like Bruno, Priscilla, Mamma Mia, Spice Girls The Movie, Pride, Too Wong Fu, Bridesmaids or anything starring Bette Midler or Judy Garland.

    Any Good – Never has a movie been so more appropriately titled. Yes it is very good, very funny and will deliver exactly what you are expecting. Basically if you are reading The Gay UK you have either already seen this or will be planning to very soon and there is not a single reason we can think of to make you change your mind. So time to smuggle in the Bollie and the nibbly little bits into your local multiplex and have a right good laugh, sweetie, darling.

    Rating – 15/100 (15th out of the last 100 films reviewed with 1 being Gay UK filmatic heaven and 100 being a dud).