THEGAYUK

Tag: 60 Second Movie Review

Our quick read Movie review format.

  • FILM REVIEW | Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom

    ★★★★☆ | Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom

    FILM REVIEW | Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom

    JURASSIC WORLD: FALLEN KINGDOM – The fifth entry in the dinosaur theme park saga and the second since its hugely successful reboot where it became the 4th biggest earner in world cinema history so big claw prints to follow indeed. This time we get a movie in two distinct halves and endless breathless action throughout – We like very much. This movie certainly has a bite that Michael Crichton would be proud.

    Nutshell – When the volcano on Isla Nublar looks set to erupt and terminate all the dino’s forever a rescue mission is organised by our two former heroes but skulduggery is afoot and the big lizards have their own ideas too and when some get back to our world in the UK the prehistoric shit really hits the fan.

    Running Time – 128inutes – Cert 12A.

    Tagline – ‘The Park Is Gone’ & ‘Life Finds A Way’

    The Gay UK Factor – Two hours of Chris Pratt looking dirty, dishevelled and sweaty as hell like your fantasy local builder, scaffolder or gardener wank fodder this is very easy on your eye as the man just wreaks of masculinity with an incredible sense of humour. Pure husband material but he does not write back! Unlike most of his other films, there are no shirtless or naked ass shots (Passengers we are talking about you). There are a bevvy of musclebound thugs throughout which will help your Summer sap to rise – these villains seem to have a recruitment policy as if you are as fuckable as hell you can become my henchman, go figure.

    Cast – Chris (Future Husband) Pratt, Bryce Dallas Howerd, Jeff Goldblum, Toby Jones, Rafe Spall & James Cromwell but the stars are the dinosaurs as always.

    Key Player – J A Bayona is Spain’s top director and he hails from the horror world with the likes of films such as The Orphanage. He brings this experience heavily into this movie wherein the first half he gives us the standard huge non stop action big set-piece sequences this franchise demands including that volcano eruption but in the second half we get very fresh one location horror almost gothic type tight set of sequences based on the infamous claustrophobic ‘kitchen sequence’ from the original movie over two decades ago.

    Budget – $170 Million much cheaper than the previous one but it is a better film for that. Currently, it has hauled 7 times its budget so a great investment all round and it’s on to Jurassic Park/World 6 the climax of this trilogy.

    Best Bit – 0.36 mins; When the volcano erupts all hell breaks out in a wonderful elongated action sequence which starts suddenly underground and ends claustrophobically underwater probably the best since Spielberg was in charge.

    Worst Bit – 0.05 mins; The opening action sequence is fine but it has absolutely nothing to do with the plot. It seems added purely so as we have an action beat before we get 15 minutes of set-up. In the eighties, all action films like say, Lethal Weapon, had to have an action beat every 8 minutes regardless of plot we have a throwback here.

    Little Secret – This film has the most dinosaurs of the franchise and of any film in history so your little nephews and nieces will be happy. Of course, dinosaurs developed from birds so many here should have feathers and be much brighter and varied colours but we seem to find brown, grey and green lizards scarier so that’s what we get on the screen. Raptors should have wings but directors think that claws are scarier so again that’s what we get and dinosaurs cannot roar as they have birds voice boxes but we want our T Rex’s to sound like monsters so that what Hollywood gives us. Part 3 of this new trilogy is rumoured to be called Jurassic War with weaponized dinosaurs – surely not! We will find out in 2021. The post credit scene here was actually filmed in London Zoo so don’t rush off to the exit to soon.

    Further Viewing – JP 1-3 and JW from 3 years ago, Godzilla (any of them), King Kong 1,3 or 4 (never ever consider 2), BBC’s amazing Walking With Dinosaurs, Nightmare At The Museum, The Land That Time Forgot and any of the millions of Dino movies but stop short of Barney, The Land Before Time or One Of Our Dinosaurs Is Missing.

    Any Good – Pure Summer multiplex entertainment at its best. More ideas than the last one that seems to be going somewhere and a clever structure. There are a couple of massive hints as to huge new directions later on in this film which should if handled correctly take this series off in fascinating new action-packed directions. Regardless this is not to be missed if you like straightforward Saturday night popcorn entertainment and there is nothing wrong with that as we don’t need Ken Loach, Kurosawa, Scorcese or Subtitled Slovakian war refugee movies all the time.

    Rating – 74/100

  • FILM REVIEW | Solo: A Star Wars Story

    SOLO: A STAR WARS STORY – The second standalone film loosely around the edges of the ongoing 8-movie main space saga. This time we get Han Solo’s origin story, how he met Chewbacca and got his hands on that famous spaceship.

    Nutshell – A young Han Solo is a street criminal who gets involved with a major heist which goes wrong leading into some dramatic twists and some even greater high adventure across many planets as he meets Lando Calrissian, Chewie, the Millennium Falcon & others in a boys own tale way before the rebellion and all we know in the Star War’s universe, so why is it the poorest yet?

    Running Time – 135inutes – Cert 12A.

    Tagline – ‘Never Tell Him The Odds’.

    The Gay UK Factor – The relatively unknown Alden Ehrenreich best known for a minor part in the Coen Brothers’ Hail Caeser takes over the Han Solo role made famous by Harrison Ford in an interpretation rather than an impression of the great man. He is a good looking lad in a sexy ‘Years & Years’ type bend over and suck chavvy way but he is much better to look at and fantasize over than watch as his acting is boring and he wrecks what should have been a great Indiana Jones in space type yarn, but he does look fit and fuckable throughout.

    Cast – Alden (Mr Wooden) Ehrenreich, Emilia (Game Of Thrones) Clarke, Danny Glover, Thandie Newton, Paul Bettany and that Natural Born Killer Woody Harrelson fresh off his superb third Oscar nom for the incredible Three Billboards.

    Key Player – Ron Howard formally of the Happy Days TV show is a great director especially with cerebral fodder like Apollo 13 & the Da Vinci Code series but he is not good at action as we see with the likes of Willow, Backdraft and InThe Heart Of the Sea. Therefore why he was picked for this and accepted we will never know. He tries his best but this was never going to be more than a three-star movie and worse, the writing and casting departments are even bigger fuck up merchants here.

    Budget – $300 Million which is a hefty price tag. It will be the first Star Wars in history to lose money in North America and this franchise does not travel as well as say the Fast & Furious/Transformers & Superhero films do. Therefore a disappointment all around and lessons need to be learnt.

    Best Bit – 0.43 mins; The first heist which is the much-telegraphed roller coaster type train sequence as seen on the posters and trailers works well. It’s exciting and you have no idea what is going to happen next – There is a world war 2 feel to it a bit but the Expendables did this sort of thing a lot better.

    Worst Bit – 1.46 mins; After the final big action sequence we get a prolonged confusing twist heavy epilogue over who has been screwing over who but frankly you won’t care. It is a real bugger’s muddle (whatever that is – probably one of our editor’s sex parties); there is one saving grace by the sudden unexpected appearance of an unadvertised much-loved character from the earlier films but soon you are back to the sodden screwy dialogue like the Handmaid’s Tail with dicks.

    Little Secret – We finally get to find out what Chewbacca’s age is – he is 190 yo which means he is 200 for a New Hope and then through all the other Star Wars films he ages to 234 yo in the Last Jedi so now we have an accurate timeline to the saga. Ron Howard was brought on to direct after the original duo of Lord and Miller had been dismissed for ‘Creative Differences’ i.e. the film was not working. It is estimated that Howard shot 80% of the final film but which scenes no-one is letting on, this film was problematic throughout like a straight guy giving his first blowjob.

    Further Viewing – Star Wars 1 through 9 obviously, Indiana Jones 1 to 4, Romancing The Stone, Von Ryan’s Express, Battlestar Galactica, Thor Ragnarok and anything heisty like say Ocean’s 11 or The Inside Man.

    Any Good – This is a three-star movie and there is nothing bad about it or particularly good either. The problem is that is just not good enough for a Star Wars film. It will be the least financially successful and the poorest reviewed of the saga and it will disappoint fans Worldwide. So what went wrong – to soon after the last one (just 5 months from The Last Jedi), poor casting, wrong director, confused ending probably tied by potential & now unwanted sequels and the existing story arcs of the characters in the original films and on top of that an appalling release schedule squashed between the superior Deadpool 2, Avengers Infinity War and Jurassic World hits. A flop all around that could have been avoided like trying to give your partner the shag of his life after 8 pints….points for effort but overall unsatisfactory and your glad when the floppy thing has run its course.

    43/100

  • FILM REVIEW | Deadpool 2

    DEADPOOL 2 – The foul-mouthed superhero is back in an improvement on the very good first film upping the laughs and story twists – the fourth wall is not just broken as destroyed making the viewer part of the movie throughout.

    FILM REVIEW | Deadpool 2
    Just how good is Deadpool?

    Nutshell – Our hero fails to kill one villain on a mission resulting in tragic personal consequences. A successful suicide attempt follows but he forgets he is the superhero that cannot die which sets everything in motion. Introduced to the X-men he meets a boy with fiery powers who has a murderous future ahead of him triggering a Terminator time travelling super villain to come back in time to change things – that’s just for starters then it gets complicated, funnier and more exciting by the minute.

    Running Time – 119inutes – Cert 15 – this superhero film is definitely not for your young nephew.

    Tagline – ‘Prepare for the second coming’ and ‘ From the studio that killed Wolverine’ – underlining this is the superhero franchise with the comedy chops.

    The Gay UK Factor – Really??? This movie stars Ryan Reynolds, the sexiest man on the planet not called David Gandy (He has been on top of the sexiest man alive polls). The trouble here is that a lot of the time he is covered face and all in his coverall superhero neoprene outfit and most of the rest of the time to fit with the storyline his face is disfigured. You do get some normal straight shots of Mr Reynolds but you do have that voice throughout so this is a movie to listen to as much as watch and let your imagination run riot…just imaging Ryan Reynolds sitting on our faces for two hours and you will get the picture.

    Cast – Ryan ‘time to get off my face’ Reynolds and some other people… well you get Josh Brolin, TJ Miller and appearances from Brad Patt, Matt Damon, Nicholas Hoult and James McAvoy.

    Key Player – Well, we would like to write more about Ryan Reynold’s ass, abs and bulging lycra but credit should also go to the superb writing team of Rhett Reese, Paul Wernick and … Ryan Reynolds, is there no end to the man’s talent. Also, the director David Leitch who just gets everything right here in that rare thing a sequel that is a great improvement on the original. Leitch is new to directing after formally being Hollywood’s top stunt guy for such films as The Matrix, 300, Wolverine, XXX, Troy and the Jason Bourne films so you bet the action here is fierce.

    Budget – $110 Million less than half that of Infinity War and this is a better film – Already it has made over $630 million in just a few days and that’s just from the gay members of the Ryan Reynolds fan club, so lockdown for Deadpool’s 3 through 10. It is the third biggest grossing movie of the year and climbing just edging out The Greatest Showman and that bird with the beard singing “This Is Me” repeatedly.

    Best Bit – 0.47 mins; A prison convoy assault by our heroes and his buds and boy does it go spectacularly wrong in a fashion that only the Deadpool franchise can pull off.

    Worst Bit – 0.41 mins Nothing very bad here at all but you do get the slight deja vu feeling when the Terminator back in time plot to change the future kicks in. Also with Josh Brolin playing the bad guy in Marvel’s Avenger’s Infinity War last month do we need him playing a different villain here… does the studio not have a release calendar?

    Little Secret – Marvel main man Stan Lee rarely does not appear in this movie. The film was shut down for two days after the death of a stunt woman in the motorcycle chase. We are also promised a wonderful extended cut with an added hour that we cannot wait for but most of all throughout Deadpool makes many references to his pansexuality and the appeal of guys and with the characters of Warhead and Yukio we get the first LGBTQ couple in Marvel history. So this is the gayest superhero film yet.

    Further Viewing – With 19 Marvel films to pick from as well as the DC Universe and many others also you may consider the best of Ryan Reynolds naked and topless go straight for Blade Trinity or his gayest roll is The Nines.

    Any Good – Absolutely – this is better than Black Panther, Infinity War, Wonder Woman and Guardians 2 making it the best superhero movie of the last year. It is so on the money from the first minute to the incredibly funny mid credit scenes. There are countless great pop culture references, superb action sequences and a laugh every 30 seconds. Pure Friday night entertainment, this is what all cinema should be like, just don’t take the kids.

    82/100

  • FILM REVIEW | The Greatest Showman

    THE GREATEST SHOWMAN – The already award-winning musical of the original showman PT Barnum celebrating the birth of show business itself with all original songs including the best new gay anthem in 30 years… and it is now climbing up the pop charts.

    Nutshell – The greatest entertainer of all time in a classic rags to riches story of how he discovered that ‘freakshows’ and different people were of interest to the paying public if presented with fantasy and imagination and how he gave them all respectability. It goes from bankruptcy to the most famous three-ring circus shows of all time in Victorian era New York. With 11 songs that will be new to your ears which is unusual in this Mamma Mia, Chicago, Disney Musical era but many of them soon grow on you especially the big set piece ones. The movie Hugh Jackman has waited his whole life to make.

    Running Time – 105 minutes – PG.

    Tagline – ‘From The Writers and Producers Of La La Land‘.

    THEGAYUK Factor – Well it is a musical to start with and visually spectacular a la Moulin Rouge and this is about outsiders with public taste campaigning against them like black trapeze artists, midgets and bearded ladies with a good-looking penniless orphaned hero. It all comes together in the incredible new gay anthem “This Is Me” which will replace “I Am What I Am” from La Cage Aux Follie as the ultimate gay anthem from a musical in no short space of time. This movie is as gay as Kylie in drag belting out “It’s Raining Men” as she enters the Big Brother house.

    Cast – Hugh Jackman, Michelle Williams, Zendaya, Rebecca Ferguson and the king of the abs fresh from The Baywatch beach Zac Efron.

    Key Player – The three men here Justin Paul, Benj Pasek  who together wrote all the numbers and Jackman who carries most of them off with aplomb. There is not really a bad tune here and all 11 have now entered the pop charts with the gay anthem getting the highest spot straight in the Top Ten even before it started picking up awards.

    Budget – $84 Million but it looks a lot more expensive maybe some good CGI. Brokeven in seven days and like all musicals, it tends to find its real home on DVD and TV with repeat viewings – this is the first money spinner of the New Year.

    Best Bit – 0.59 mins; The big set piece showstopping number “This Is Me” which has already won The Golden Globe for Song Of The Year and will now be the surefire Oscar winner in a few weeks time. The film’s misfits belt out these great gay-friendly lyrics and boy does it build, as Alex Zane announced on Sky it is the first key change ever that made him weep. Download this song now before every drag queen in the land gets their hands on it.

    Worst Bit – 0.05 mins: There is a lot to get through here and this leads to a slightly rushed finish and more annoyingly a mega rushed jerky beginning which simply does not engage. The rest is pure heaven.

    Little Secret – Barnum’s American Museum was so popular that crowds stayed too long and he could not squeeze new paying punters in so he tricked them with signs saying “This way to the Egress” which the audience thought was a new attraction not realising it means exit until they found themselves outside on the street. In January 2017, the Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey Circus announced that their doors were closing forever, due to decreased attendance and protests by animal rights activists. Their last shows were in May 2017 they did not last to see the opening of this movie.

    Further Viewing – Moulin Rouge, La La Land, Les Mis, Hugh Jackman’s warm-up musical, The School Of Rock, Hairspray, Phantom, Dreamgirls, Fame and Into The Woods if you must.

    Any Good – The Golden Globe and now the BAFTA nominations don’t lie this is a great piece of film and a labour of love for the main star. Will the songs become evergreen favourites? Well, we hope so and they are a lot better than the 11 dirges in La La Land. If it starts picking up Oscars watch that soundtrack sell big time as already it is beating Sam Smith and Ed Sheeran. Jackman is ace and Efron learned his singing craft down at the High School Musical so you are in good hands here. If you like musicals this is a great addition and you don’t get many nowadays if not then stick with The Darkest Hour, Jumanji or Star Wars who will all happily take your money off ya instead.

    Rating – 70% out of 100.

  • FILM REVIEW | Jumanji: Welcome To The Jungle

    JUMANJI: WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE – A modern version of the book and 22-year-old Robin Williams family favourite movie original now in up to date computer game stylee featuring studs The Rock and Nick Jonas.

    Nutshell – Four very different teenagers get zapped into the former jungle board game, now all modern and digitised to the hi-tech gaming world. They have to work through the levels and team up to escape meanwhile their numbers of lives are diminishing fast. The key is that the avatar characters they are in the game are entirely different and even the opposite sex from the ones they are in the outside world. Comedy chaos is the obvious result as the wildlife and baddies attack in ever increasing numbers of mayhem. Pure family fun with added sweating bulging man muscle.

    Running Time – 119 minutes

    Certificate – 12A.

    Tagline – ‘The Game Has Evolved’.

    THEGAYUK Factor – This is so good as you get two of the hottest men around from opposite spectrums. For the muscle and masculine fans, you get the largest man on the planet Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson and also the sexiest young pop star around the oh so doable Nick Jonas. Both show tonnes of skin and they sweat all the way through.

    Cast – Johnson and Jonas lead the eye candy, but you also get the comedy genius of Jack Black, the UK’s very own Karen Gillan who has done so well for herself since stepping out of the Tardis plus Kevin Hart, Bobby Cannavale and Flight Of The Conchords Rhys Darby.

    Key Player – Jack Black steals yet another movie. Here in the game, he is a geeky middle-aged man but he is inhabited by a sexy mobile phone addicted brainless school slutty girl, and this is manor from heaven for our favourite short-assed comedy genius.

    Budget – $90 Million and it is all on the screen. By New Years Day it had already made twice that back in the USA alone – worldwide over $350 Million, so obviously this is the family film that everyone wanted who is not into the activities in a galaxy far far away. Hopefully, we will get loads of sequels with Dwayne topless in all of them.

    Best Bit – 1.17 mins; Not an action scene but proof that the winning factor here is the characters chemistry. The slutty airhead girl has to teach the virgin geek girl how to flirt with two guards to cause a much-needed distraction, and it is the best comedy sequence by far, and you will scream at the transformation – think Sandy in the final sequence from Grease done for comedy value.

    Worst Bit – 1.22 mins; The big action sequence with a dangerous helicopter chase with very dodgy King Kong style CGI and highly unrealistic pieces helicopters cannot fly sideways even in video games guys!

    Little Secret – This is not shot in Africa but the same Hawaii locations as many of our favourites such as Jurassic Park and the TV series Lost and it looks like it. There are endless references to the Robin Williams’ character and the first film and no doubt that will increase in the inevitable sequels. Rather than the obvious Guns and Roses welcome song being used as the theme tune the leads offered to sing it instead which is not new for Jack Black and Jonas but is a new venture for Johnson, Hart and Gillan. Of course, this is the second film starring The Rock called Welcome To The Jungle so be careful if searching online for it.

    Further Viewing – Jumanji, The Legend Of Tarzan, Tomb Raider, Romancing The Stone, Tron, Raiders Of The Lost Ark, The Jungle Book, George Of The Jungle basically anything with the word Jungle…

    Any Good – That Box Office does not lie. A lot of it will be from good word of mouth. This should have been a CGI car crash but due to the characters outside the game picking the opposite character types in the game which is a comedy masterstroke seeing The Rock as a wimp and Hart as the sidekick etc. we get a hilarious action adventure, and the casting is spot on. This film won’t change your life but you will be an awful lot happier from seeing it, and boy Dwayne’s body just seems to be getting bigger and hotter. Just imagine that shagging you in bed.

    Rating – 71% out of 100.

  • FILM REVIEW | Daddy’s Home 2

    DADDY’S HOME 2 – The relatively unwanted sequel to the standard 2015 family comedy but STOP PRESS, shock horror this is really good – hell has just frozen over and pigs are landing at Heathrow & Gatwick.

    Nutshell – The modern family two fathers one mother is ramped up a notch by the arrival of the stars two hugely different dads in Mel Gibson and John Lithgow and obviously comic mayhem soon follows. Now what makes this so much better than the original is the decision to make it a full on Christmas movie. It is happy, funny, entertaining and hugely engaging only diminished by association with its average predecessor movie which may put of some. As a standalone this is great.

    Running Time – 100 minutes; Certificate – 12A.

    Tagline – ‘More Daddies, More Problems’

    THEGAYUK Factor – The muscle hunk Marky Mark Wahlberg himself just oozes sex appeal and here he plays the hard real man to Ferrell’s weaker boy which is hot. Mel Gibson has the DILF thing down for sure and reeks of someone here who probably bats for both sides but best of all you get everyone’s favourite WWE wrestling sex god John Cena known in true horny fashion as The Marine.

    Cast – Will Ferrell, Mark Wahlberg, Mel Gibson, John Lithgow, John Cena’s ass, John Cena’s bulging packet, John Cena’s huge muscles, John Cena’s massive chest and some women actors too.

    Key Player – This is the boys’ film, Wahlberg is Exec Producer and Ferrell is the main Producer and they just do these movies for fun apparently which is infectious as that is what comes out of the screen. Everyone seems to be having a laugh rather than there for the paycheck Cumberbatch, Affleck or Hardy style.

    Budget – $69 Million way up on the first film and boy was that a good move with it making its costs back in two days and now sailing way over $100 million and off towards the top 250 grossing films of all time list at a rapid rate of knots.

    Best Bit – 1.02 mins; The destruction of a live model nativity scene and post-fight is a real hoot and great set-piece but this movie is much more about small jokes than big slapstick moments. Do people really dress up as nativity statues – that’s a new one on us.

    Worst Bit – 0.33 mins; A snowblower goes haywire and destroys a never-ending set of outdoor Christmas lights and then property and vehicles just like the motorbike in the original. Too slapstick and overlong and a bit childish here in a film where the kids are away getting pissed on eggnog and shooting guns.

    Little Secret – Mel Gibson plays Mark Wahlberg’s father. although he is only fifteen years older than him cue greying up Gibson’s hair and softening Marky Mark’s but who cares. Originally the two dad’s were going to be Chevy Chase and Robert De Niro which would have been about as successful as a Trump presidency or Prince Harry getting the stag-do he actually wants.

    Further Viewing – Daddy’s Home 1, All four of the Meet The Focker‘s canon, The Anchormans , Blades Of Glory, Elf and Mel Gibson’s previous comedic roles in The Lethal Weapons and What Women Want as he has great comedy timing – who knew Mad Max had a budding Robin Williams, Jim Carrey in him all along.

    Any Good – This won’t win any Awards in the next 3 months of the trophy season but it is just truly great fun and a very happy film with loads of great Christmas music and may even see Band Aid back in the charts for the 5th time. A massive step up from a film that originally just got lucky with a clever release date counterbalancing a Star Wars film two years back. It’s now a winning franchise to follow and one of the biggest and nicest surprises of the year as it should have been a shit cash in but instead, it delivers on every level and some.

    Rating – 74% out of 100.

  • FILM REVIEW | The Justice League

    THE JUSTICE LEAGUE – The biggest superheroes in the DC Universe come together Avengers Assemble style as earth is under a massive alien threat yet again and the Marvel lads are all on their hols but can Batman, Wonder Woman, Aquaman, The Flash & Cyborg be able to work together and are they in time…

    FILM REVIEW | The Justice League

    Spoiler alert the answer is No!

    Nutshell – After the death of Batman in the previous film, sacrificing himself saving humankind, Batman is inspired to recruit a reluctant team of superpowered latex clad buddies to deal with an unprecedented outer space threat. The Justice League is formed and after the destruction of Wonder Woman’s island paradise and Aquaman’s submerged home the global chase for three all-powerful MacGuffins is on, watch out for the big surprise guest appearance.

    Running Time – 120 minutes; Certificate – 12A.

    Tagline – ‘Justice For All – You Can’t Save The World Alone’

    THEGAYUK Factor – OMG it’s full of great looking guys in hot fetish gear. Led by the fittest guy ever from Game Of Thrones Jason Momoa who is a new gay icon – for us muscle lovers – as Aquaman and his outfit is stunning and boy does it show his ass off along before the many times he strips down to swim. We cannot wait for his stand-alone movie which will be two straight hours of pure Grade A handy shandy material. Add the bulging spandex crutches of Ben Affleck, Henry Cavill, Ezra Miller and Ciaran Hinds and you get one horny film with the bonus of the new queen of camp Gal Gadot and her ring of truth which only makes us think of Momoa’s ass once again.

    Cast – Affleck, Gadot, Momoa, Cavill lead the league but we also get Jeremy Irons, Diane Lane, Connie Nielsen, JK Simmons and Amy Adams playing the least sexy Lois Lane – ever – for your ticket price plus another huge star at the end of the final credits.

    Key Player – The saviour of the DC universe Wonder Woman holds all the attention here and always draws your eye line from the sleep-inducing Affleck’s Batman, he is about as entertaining as finding sand on your favourite dildo. She saved the Bat Vs Supe’s film with just 3 scenes, her own film is the second biggest moneymaker of the year and she is top dog in the League by far.

    We have no idea why we loved this film so much… oh so much…

    Budget – An absolutely massive $300 Million which is less than many countries earn in a year – its a cliché but most of it is on the screen with very big production scenes maybe more should have been spent on the script though, which brings a whole new meaning to the word formulaic.

    Best Bit – 0.21 mins; When Aquaman strips off for the first time showing his many tatt’s and boy does he take his time otherwise the battle and chase of Wonder Woman’s Amazonian tribe on horseback is by far the best action beat.

    Worst Bit – 0.19 mins and 0.34 mins and 0.48 mins…..; Basically every time the Flash comes on the screen, he is weak, his scenes are weak and he is less Premier League and more like Southern Conference League up against everyone else here and anyway Superman is faster so whats the point of him? He probably suffers from premature ejaculation too.

    Little Secret – Already there is a hugely successful big budget gay porn version out of this Justice League from Men.com where Batman rodders Superman, Cyborg gives a good going over on the The Flash, Wonder Woman is played by a drag queen and Aquaman humps every guy in the film repeatedly… sign me up. It is already controversial for adding other characters like The Green Lantern everyone’s least favourite superhero (Thanks, Ryan Reynolds) and also the only black character in either the Avengers or League teams is… oh dear – played by a white porn star – racism in gay porn so what’s new?

    Further Viewing – Really!!! With over 50 films featuring the superheroes above just go to Google and type in stretched spandex over bulging crutch movies and whilst you are there just search for Marvel or DC Comics and you will have two weeks worth of identical movies to watch with everyone saving the world each and every fucking time in just under two hours.

    Any Good – This is a very expensive perfectly adequate film, you will smile, laugh, get excited and be entertained throughout, the trouble is it is just so damn generic and we have seen it all so many times before. A magical object is hidden on earth that can now destroy us all and good guys/bad guys with whatever powers they need to survive 50 rounds of unrealistic fighting and nobody ever seems to get injured or hospitalised. It’s all about as realistic as a Donald Trump promise to protect LGBT+ rights. Do stay right to the end of the credits as the last secret scene is well worth the 10-minute screen scroll wait and it gives a huge clue as to where we are all going next as if six superheroes in one film weren’t enough?

    Rating – 62 out of 100.

  • FILM REVIEW | Paddington 2

    PADDINGTON 2 – Your second favourite bear after that hairy muscled gay bloke you met in the darkroom at XXL or Brut is back for a sequel and this time he falls foul of the law and is eating porridge rather than marmalade sandwiches.

    Nutshell – The most polite Peruvian ursine returns and is in a battle with Hugh Grant’s baddie for a special book with a hidden treasure trail that Paddington needs as a very special family present. Things go amiss when he gets framed for theft and is sent to prison for 10 years which is a long time in bear years, can he escape, find the book & treasure and save the day in probably the happiest film of this and any year?

    Running Time – 103 minutes

    Certificate – PG

    Tagline – ‘Free Paddington’ and ‘It Takes A Bear To Catch a Thief’.

    THEGAYUK Factor – This is probably the most perfect family movie ever so nothing “gay” here… move along. This is the movie to take your Mum to or your little nephew but you will probably enjoy it the more than any of them. If you want gay smut just wait 7 days for the Justice League as there is hoards of it there.

    Cast – Hugh ‘Downton Abbey’ Bonneville, Julie ‘Acorn Antiques’ Walters, Hugh ‘Four Weddings’ Grant and every other major Brit you can think of such as Joanna Lumley, Brendon Gleeson, Jim Broadbent, Ben Miller, Michael Gambon etc etc plus Peter Dr Who’ Capaldi for good measure.

    Key Player – Ben Whishaw as the voice of Paddington is perfect you cannot imagine anyone else doing it now he has the friendliest tones imaginable and can make you care, laugh or cry with just a simple turn of phrase.

    Budget – $80 Million. The first film was a huge surprise hit making $250 Mil worldwide – this with pre-brand recognition will make a lot more as, whisper it quietly, this is an even better movie. The first film is the biggest money-making independent family film of all time expect that record to have gone well before Christmas here.

    Best Bit – 1.14 mins; There are three very sad and dark sequences here and the last one is a real doozy and it comes right after some great laughs and a huge action sequence and it will hit you like a sledgehammer – superb filmmaking, taking your hankies.

    Worst Bit – 1.27 mins; There are two sequences in the final credits the first one is a Hugh Grant song and dance number that is just screaming for a much hookier better song. The only hiccup in this whole enterprise – rare for a sequel indeed.

    Little Secret – The creator of the character and books Michael Bond was told that the sequel had been greenlit on his 90th birthday. He sadly died at 91 on the exact same day as the last day of shooting, he never saw the finished film but adored the first one and we know he would love this even more. He published the last ever Paddington book in April of this year… that is active in your old age.

    Further Viewing – Paddington 1 obviously, Mary Poppins, The Railway Children, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, Labyrinth, Witches, any quality British family film of the last 50 years or any of the 10 great Muppet movies.

    Any Good – It is so rare for a sequel to be better than its predecessor as there are so many traps and issues with sequels. We rate this alongside the great step-ups like Aliens, Terminator 2, The Two Towers, Star Trek 4, Return Of The Jedi and Fast & Furious 5. Let’s make it simple, this is marvellous, perfect entertainment for everyone, very funny, great action and an instant classic… with fur on to be watched with a smile on your face for years to come. Be prepared to be taken back to your childhood in spades.

    Rating – 94% out of 100.

  • FILM REVIEW | Thor Ragnarok

    THOR RAGNAROK – The Third official Thor film stays largely in outer space this time and is all the better for it and this time he has the Hulk for company too.

    Nutshell – Our hero loses a battle against his evil Sister Hela and is imprisoned across the galaxy with evil brother Loki (What a family!) on a gladiatorial planet where his next opponent is a truly p*ssed off Incredible Hulk his former Avenger mate. He has to escape the inescapable planet, travel 100,000 miles and defeat the uber b*tch to save his home planet of Asgard but he is way too late and whose side is Loki actually on?

    Running Time – 130 minutes; Certificate – 12A.

    Tagline – ‘No Hammer, No Problem’ yes the big hunk of spunk loses his massive weapon for the whole of this movie.

    THEGAYUK Factor – Chris Hemsworth taking his shirt off over and over again here and his body is better than ever. This Aussie studfukka is top of most guys wank bank list just ahead of his equally hot younger brother (see below) and you get Idris Elba too here in a very very tight top.

    Cast – Chris ‘Come to bed eyes’ Hemsworth aided and abetted by a bunch of superstars including Tom Hiddleston, Cate Blanchett, Mark Ruffalo, Idris Elba, Anthony Hopkins, Jeff Goldblum, Benedict Cumberbatch now that is one serious cast and a huge load of hot talent.

    Key Player – The whole cast of Guardians Of The Galaxy‘s 1 & 2 who have added humour to the Marvel Universe without getting cheesy. The massive success of those 2 movies since the last muddled Thor film are present in the ingredients here; this film is so funny and comes out like Guardians 3 and that is a very good thing indeed…now if we can only get the Guardian’s Chris Pine and Hemsworth in the same film we will never watch gay porn again.

    Budget – $180 Million as there is no such thing as a cheap Marvel or DC Comic film these days as they all make huge amounts of cash (Unless they are called The Fantastic Four). This will make as much as any of them and set up next May’s Avengers Civil War which could easily be the biggest film of all time.

    Best Bit – 0.49 mins; The big gladiatorial battle been Thor and Hulk finally kicks off and boy is it good and with real threat as Hulk is a real bad boy here. The battle looks really nasty and Thor seems like a real gonna. Don’t be late as the pre-credits action scene in Ragnaroks hell-like dungeon is just as good.

    Worst Bit – 0.14 mins; The pointless and overly stylised appearance of Doctor Strange (Benedict Cumberbatch) is just unnecessary and comes over like showboating by Marvel studios which sometimes seem a bit cameo happy.

    Little Secret – On the subject of cameos in one scene where we get Matt Damon, Sam Neill and Chris Hemsworth’s hot sexy little brother Liam Hemsworth all appear. Thor’s hammer is smashed here and he doesn’t get it back and won’t it is gone for good. The original Hammer destruction scene was meant to be in New York with Brisbane standing in and can be seen in the trailers but the director changed it to a random field at a later date in re-shoots which is what makes it into the film.

    Further Viewing – Guardians 1 & 2 and anything else from the Marvel universe to start with but as this is the comic book film set entirely in space it also reeks of the Star Wars prequels too which is definitely no bad thing so try The Phantom Menace, Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith also.

    Any Good – This is a very good Marvel film and a step up from Wonder Woman and Doctor Strange and it is also the best Thor chapter yet. You get Thor with sexy long hair and even sexier short hair all for your £8 ticket price. Yet It is the humour that makes it special of course there is a tonne of action and visual effects but Thor sure owes those Guardians a drink or two.

    Rating – 80% out of 100.

     

    Pre-Order from Amazon | iTunes

  • FILM REVIEW | Kingsman: The Golden Circle

    KINGSMAN: THE GOLDEN CIRCLE – The camp as Christmas Jason Bourne/James Bond piss take is back for number two with big laughs, endless extreme bloodshed and more anal sex jokes again.

    FILM REVIEW | Kingsman: The Golden Circle

    Nutshell – Eggsy and the sexy as fu*k Merlin (The shaggable Mark Strong) go on the run after Julianne Moore and her henchmen totally destroy the Kingsman spy organisation. So it’s off to Kentucky in the USA to meet the even bigger and better Statesmen organisation of great looking spies like Channing Tatum and Halle Berry, cue car chases galore, gadgets, robo attack dogs and the kidnap of Elton John via Glastonbury, The Alps and Cambodia in the sequel twice as explosive as the first.

    Running Time – 141 minutes;

    Certificate – 15.

    Tagline – ‘Reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated
    The Gay UK Factor – Taron Egerton – fit, Mark Strong – masculine, Pedro Pascal – Hairy Latin stud, Channing Tatum – Uber fit and loads of other thugs and good guys that no-one would kick out of bed – this is a true wank fest.

    Cast – Egerton, Strong, Pascal and Tatum are backed up by Colin Firth (didn’t he die in the first one?), Keith Allen, Julianne Moore, Halle Berry, Michael Gambon, Jeff Bridges and Elton John with a real major part so plenty here to keep you occupied – how big will the cast be in part three and will Bennie and Jet the Robodogs be back?

    Key Player – Matthew Vaughan the director and man behind Kick-Ass, The X-men, Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, Eddie The Eagle etc is a master at mixing light content with bouts of extreme gore and action and he has the perfect vehicle here. He also writes the film here alongside Jane Goldman (Mrs Jonathon Ross) and their endless invention is here for all to see and boy is it giving the fans what they want.

    Budget – $104 Million way up on the first film and its cash registers are ringing like crazy making that back in just 5 days so it is off into the land of mega profit from now. This is a big hit and some.

    Best Bit – 1.31 mins; A breathtaking assault on an Alpine mountaintop stronghold climaxing in a truly stunning cable car sequence one of the best action beats of the year and it even beats the opening London Taxi fight/chase which is as good as any sequence of the Summer but the film just gets better as it goes on .

    Worst Bit – 0.21 mins; Julianne Moore as the bad guy who has a thing for Grease style 1950’s Americana and her HQ is a Fonzie/Happy Days style diner is just not nasty enough even though she does have a mean trick of putting her enemies through a burger mincer – she is a bit like a fourth division Bond villain when we needed a nasty as f*ck Blofeld type.

    Little Secret – There just having fun here but this movie stars a mega five Oscar winners in Firth, Berry, Moore, Bridges and Elton the latter for The Lion King. The original film length was over 3 hours 40 minutes which would have made it the longest blockbuster of the Millenium and beating Titanic/Avatar & any Lord Of The Rings film until the Studio insisted on cuts. This is Elton’s 21st acting credit and by far his biggest, he has starred in everything from SpiceWorld, Tommy and Bob The Builder in the past but here he gets to kick butt instead of shagging it.

    Further Viewing – Kingsman 1, James Bond circa Roger Moore, Spy, Austin Powers, The Bourne Identity, Kick-Ass, Carry On Spying and The Johnny English films.

    Any Good – Matthew Vaughn said if you didn’t like the first one you are gonna really hate this one and likewise we believe the converse is just as correct. More of the same just bigger and brasher all in all not as good as the number one but isn’t that normal with sequels.

    Rating – 69% out of 100.

  • FILM REVIEW | It

    IT – The big horror movie of the year is here as we welcome back Stephen King‘s homicidal shapeshifting sewer dwelling killer clown so what does this mean for the larger world of scary movies?

    FILM REVIEW | It

    Nutshell – From the original 80’s blockbuster book through the very popular two-part TV series in 1990, our favourite grinning red helium balloon fan is once again crawling out of the gutter to terrorise a new raft of dysfunctional kids. Set in classic small-town Stephen King’s Ville, this hugely anticipated thrill-fest sees the youngsters slowly work out why their town is the world’s hotspot for missing kids and decide that Pennywise needs to have that fu*king smile wiped off his smug face once and for all.

    Running Time – 135 minutes; That is the longest butt-numbing horror film we can ever remember.

    Certificate – 15

    Tagline – ‘You’ll Float Too” & “It Comes In Many Forms” is the best they could come up with really?

    THEGAYUK Factor – All the heroes are kids and the villain is a murdering bugger so unless you jerk off to clowns playing with balloons then save the man gravy for the muscle studs in the upcoming Kingsman, Thor, Jumanji and Bladerunner.

    Cast – Bill Skarsgard plays Pennywise and his most famous appearance to date is in the unsuccessful Atomic Blonde. Everyone else are newbies – this is not a star vehicle as the book and concept take that role, that will change with the adult sequels.

    Key Player – Stephen King probably the world’s most famous writer, whose books have been turned into classics like The Shining, The Green Mile and Stand By Me but just as many right wank rags such as The Mangler and The Dark Tower which make us shudder for all the wrong reasons.

    Budget – $35 Million and so far it has made back a whopping $189 Million and climbing, parts 2 and 3 are already in the works expect that budget to start going way up and returns to fall as severe disappointment kicks in.

    Best Bit – 0.07 mins; The keynote scene of a young lad losing a toy boat down a large water drain and coming face to face with the never-blinking clown of everyone’s nightmares and then it gets really nasty.

    Worst Bit – 1.45 mins; Basically anything in the last third is not brilliant and sometimes laughable. Nothing is quite as scary as that opening scene and as the CGI takes over and the baddie turns up everywhere and in every shape, this becomes as realistic as a steroided muscle mary’s stuffed jockstrap – this could have been so much better.

    Little Secret – Bill Skarsgard was on set for the whole 32 week schedule but did not go in front of the cameras until the 18th week. Yes the clown is in it that little! This is the original story where the kids’ “The Losers Club” face Pennywise for the first time, they then have to face him again as adults hence the first sequel due 2019. Jessica Chastain is up for one of the parts and they also want sex gods Chris Pratt and Jake Gyllenhaal too.

    Further Viewing – The Shining, Thinner, The Green Mile, Pet Semetaries 1 & 2, The Stand, Carrie, Christine, Children Of The Corn, The Mist, The Running Man; basically any of the 43 King adaptations you can find but maybe not that last Arnie one.

    Any Good – This is so similar to the original film and book that the first question is why bother and no Tim Curry this time. Its problem is that it is just not scary and so very very long. It was truly anticipated and the box office should lead to a wealth of new big-budget horrors next year and beyond and not just the cheapie Saw, Purge, Paranormal & killer dolls we have had to suffer lately. Just expect huge diminishing returns and disappointment to this franchise.

    Rating – 48% out of 100.