THEGAYUK

Tag: 60 Second Movie Review

Our quick read Movie review format.

  • FILM REVIEW | War For The Planet Of The Apes

    WAR FOR THE PLANET OF THE APES – The third and final part of the revamped ape apocalypse trilogy and this time the humans are definitely the bad guys in an all out battle royale for dominance of the position at the top of the food chain and planetary dominance.

    FILM REVIEW | War For The Planet Of The Apes

    Nutshell – The story of Caeser who we have followed from domesticated scientific experiment to the leader of the ape population in the forests above San Francisco and beyond. After a skirmish where the apes bear insufferable losses they decide on a massive exodus to safer climes. Unfortunately, the humans want the ape threat destroyed for good and a huge new baddie in the burly shape of Woody Harrelson’s The Colonel is in their way leading to the ultimate showdown as the two species go for World War Three.

    Running Time – A bum numbing 140 minutes; Certificate – 12A.

    Tagline – ‘For Freedom, For Family, For The Planet’

    The Gay UK Factor – Unless you are into bestiality or have a thing for bears over at XXL or BRUT hairy men’s clubs then it is down to the humans and luckily there is loads of them and everyone is in uniform. There is a lot of muscle here and it is all sweating and grunting a lot, our top three military men were Chad Rook, Dean Redman and Steve Baran – drop and give us twenty as we will be lying underneath.

    Cast – Woody Harrelson is the main human draw and all the other main actors are green screen/motion capture monkey performers all covered in lycra golf ball suits and digitised out. Lead by Andy Serkis, Tony Kebbell and animal character specialist Steve Zahn.

    Key Player – These are Andy Serkis’s movies and he is almost in every scene here. You start to forget he is a human on a sound stage and get drawn into the incredible emotional arc he goes through here from extreme grief, through anger, leadership, cunning, despair and a trilogy climax that will leave you emotionally wrought.

    Budget – $150 Million the priciest ape film of all time and clearly it has been money well spent judging by its strong Box Office. This title will probably continue somehow in a new direction to keep reaping the cash in.

    Best Bit – 0.15 mins; A great nighttime waterfall fight scene which sets up the events of the whole movie and establishes exactly how much of a total bastard and probably hard shagging top the Colonel is.

    Worst Bit – 0.57mins; The introduction of the biggest new monkey character ‘Bad Ape’ largely for comedy purposes than any plot development is annoying in a poor man’s Gollum sort of way.

    Little Secret – The entire film seems to form a bridge between its obvious predecessors and the original Charlton Heston series of movies from 50 years ago. Names of characters, references to the atomic bomb, production values, the introduction or a de-evolving disease in humans etc all have a purpose in this and pay special attention to the Orang Utang who seems to be the biggest link of all. The attacking soldiers in the big battle here are fully covered from head to toe and the director has indicated that this may be because they are apes which will blow everyone’s concepts apart.

    Further Viewing – There are 8 other ape movies (And a great cartoon TV series) to enjoy or endure depending on which you pick ranging from the superb original in 1968 or alternatively beneath, conquest, dawn, battle, rise or escape basically any verb you choose to put in front of the ‘Planet Of The Apes’ monicker but avoid the Mark Wahlberg one at all costs.

    Any Good – The modern trilogy has been consistently good and this is probably the best yet and the perfect closer to this set of films. We know there will be more probably spin off’s or further tales of other groups but this story is done and Serkis has left the franchise… but as he was a digital character all bets might be off on that.

    Rating – 72% out of 100

     

  • FILM REVIEW | Baywatch, The Movie

    BAYWATCH – The ultimate Millenial Movie. The early 90’s TV phenomenon & biggest show in the World gets a big screen star-studded outing in a pretty rude, very sunny action adventure, fun fest – bring your own suntan lotion.

    Nutshell – Dwayne The Rock Johnson is the superstar lifeguard who has to put up with a cocky new recruit fallen Olympic swimming medalist whilst trying to solve a drug ring threatening to take over his beach. There is lots of male and female flesh on show, plenty of action beats, adult humour and stonking music plus appearances from all the TV show stars. It’s great time wasting fun no more no less.

    Running Time – 116 minutes; Certificate – 15.

    Tagline – ‘Don’t Worry Summer Is Coming’… fans will get it.

    THEGAYUK Factor – REALLY – we mean REALLY???, two of the hottest men on planet earth topless for two hours and backed up by some of the hottest studs in minor roles. The highlight should be a very sweaty Abs and muscle packed strength competition between Dwayne and Zac but actually, we had more trouble getting by Zac’s gorgeous blue eyes – oh they are so deep and blue!

    Cast – Dwayne The Rock Johnson, Zac Efron, Bollywood megastar Priyanka Chopra with added David Hasselhoff and Pamela Anderson of course.

    Key Player – This is The Rocks movie and although it is only partly successful it would really flounder without him. As always he can handle the comedy, action and acting with equal ease and boy is he easy on the eye for those into muscle and wait until you see the huge bulge in his trunks here !!!!

    Budget – $69 Million. It opened disappointedly on $18m but then jumped to $43m – It will clearly make a nice profit but maybe not the cash bonanza hoped for like the similar 21 Jump Street series.

    Best Bit – 0.35 mins; After the muscle-bound face off referred to above we instantly get a quad bike beach chase which is pretty thrilling with a great 360 degree shot it makes you think this movie will be superb….it’s not.

    Worst Bit – 0.42 mins; Anytime when the baddie on screen is a low point – she is about as threatening as Jeremy Corbyn with a nuclear button – we need less of her and more of The Rock.

    Little Secret – The Rock is the tenth professional wrestler to act in Baywatch as the TV series included the likes of Hulk Hogan, Shawn Michaels and Randy Savage. Pamela Anderson really did not want to appear in the film and only agreed to a non-speaking part. All the abusive boy band names Johnson’s character calls Efron’s throughout were given to him by Zac himself including calling him ‘High School Musical’ the film that made Efron famous.

    Further Viewing – Baywatch TV series all 220 episodes between 1989 – 2001, 21 and 22 Jump Street, Snatched, Dragnet, Dukes Of Hazzard, Starsky & Hutch and CHIPS but the last one at your own risk.

    Any Good – The ultimate OK movie – nothing wrong with it but nothing spectacular either, one thing is for certain this should have been better. The characterisation is great and you root for the whole life-saving team so credits for the casting, but why is the baddie so camp like a Joan Collins, Dynasty pastiche. You wont want your money back but you wont be talking about it later either. Disappointing

    Rating – 46% out of 100.

  • FILM REVIEW | Alien Covenant

    ALIEN COVENANT – The Eighth film in the franchise about the acid-bleeding Alien Xenomorph with the original director Ridley Scott back to pick up exactly after the end of the lukewarmly received Prometheus prequel with some repeat characters.

    Nutshell – 10 years after the events of Prometheus and sometime before the original Alien sequence of films a colony ship The Covenant is diverted to a potential paradise planet. Of course, it turns out to be anything but, leading to a turn of events & possible terrifying fate so a big escape is needed in this very noisy much more horror orientated movie than its sister film. It’s in many ways a greatest hits of the other seven films that result in something generally a lot less satisfying as it gets more and more complicated… and there is a third one to come requiring university degrees

    Running Time – 122 minutes; Certificate – 15.

    Tagline – ‘The Path To Paradise Begins In Hell’.

    THEGAYUK Factor – It depends on how much you fancy Michael Fasbender as there are no other potential studs here. Michael does talk an awful lot about fingering, playing with holes etc but you will probably be too worried about what the aliens are up to around the corners to get a hard on.

    Cast – Michael Fassbender and Guy Pearce are back from Prometheus and are joined by Katherine Waterson, Billy Crudup, Danny McBride who has a distinct gay bear thing going on and a bunch of unknown alien acid teeth fodder. There is also an uncredited James Franco here the king of the gays.

    Key Player – Ridley Scott is the ruler of this world and he is in his element here. His set pieces are great but he struggles to really give us anything new and boy does he make it complicated. The big thing missing here is tension.

    Budget – $111 Million the most expensive alien yet and it’s sure to make a profit – we predict it rounding out at about 400 Mill in the bank so, on to number nine..

    Best Bit – 1.38 mins; The big action beat involving an out of control spaceship is top notch and this film works better as an action blockbuster than a horror and yet it was the latter it was aiming for!

    Worst Bit – 0.03 mins; The opening unconnected scene of Fassbender and Pearce in a white room is pure 2001 A Space Odyssey and is a load of b*llocks. Total Prometheus type crap brings on the monsters and the killing.

    Little Secret – Shot on location in Australia and New Zealand using some of the same locations as The Lord Of The Rings Trilogy. In 2015 Scott announced that this would be the second after Prometheus in a new Aliens trilogy for the third one please remember to bring a pen and notepad to sort it all out. The first alien movie since HR Giger whose images created the Alien past away.

    Further Viewing – Aliens 1-7, A couple of Predators, Blobs and The Things a plenty, Interstellar and the recent Arrival, Passengers and last months space horror Life.

    Any Good – This is fine it is no Alien or Aliens that’s for sure but it is way better than Prometheus as at least you get some monster action here throughout the second and third acts. The twist is one of the most obvious of all time but it is still a hugely enjoyable fun movie just don’t expect big scares – are we used to this by now or is it the fact that we just don’t care about any of the crew as there is no Sigourney in her underpants here. A valid addition to the franchise but not a game changer.

    Rating – 58% out of 100

  • FILM REVIEW | Guardians of the Galaxy 2

    GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY 2 – The Fab 5 of the Marvel universe are back after the surprise huge success of part 1 – cue big laughs, huge action and a fantastic 70’s cheese pop hit soundtrack.

    Guardians of the galaxy review

    Nutshell – After saving the universe last time our heroes are now in huge demand as hired troubleshooters across the stars dispatching monsters to the songs of ELO. Groot is now Baby Groot and Rocket the gun-toting racoon is causing havoc left, right and centre. Starlord finds his father, but is everything as it seems? Soon all hell is breaking loose and the universe needs saving all over again. This time with even more comedy in the funniest Superhero film of all time.

    Running Time – 136 minutes; Certificate – 12A.

    Tagline – ‘Anyone Can Save The Galaxy Once’.

    THEGAYUK Factor – Don’t be late as right at the start Chris Pratt gets naked in two shower scenes which are wholly unnecessary except to satisfy his massive gay following that he is very aware of. You will greatly enjoy his buff muscular body and at this rate, we expect him to deliver full naked ass shots in next year’s Jurassic Park and we really hope he has to bend over to pick something up.

    Cast – Chris ‘Mr Muscles’ Pratt, Zoe Saldana, Dave Bautista, Kurt Russell, Sylvester Stallone and the returning voices of Vin Diesel and Bradley Cooper as Groot and Rocket respectively.

    Key Player – It’s a three-way split between whoever produced the great sing-a-long Awesome Mix Tape 2, James Gunn who directed but even more successfully wrote it and Bradley Cooper whose rodent gets all the very best lines.

    Budget – $200 Million which is a whopping sum but after its first week of worldwide release it has made $250 Million and it will make at least three maybe four times that in total – a new money making bandwagon has begun – sequel movies are going nowhere.

    Best Bit – 0.47 mins; Rocket Raccoon takes on a whole army of opponents in a forest with a bunch of ingenious traps that will get any cinema crowd whooping and hollering. When Rocket is on the screen this movie soars.

    Worst Bit – 1.35 mins; The characters here are great the story isn’t. This really hits home at the three-quarter mark when the big bad’s plan is revealed and you A) don’t understand it B. have no interest in it and C) don’t want it resolved by endless blinding CGI.

    Little Secret – They planned a cameo by David Bowie but his death vetoed that, Miley Cyrus, The Hoff and Howard The Duck do make it in. Don’t be late or you will miss Chris Pratt naked and certainly don’t leave early as there are a record-breaking five scenes during the end credits.

    Further Viewing – Guardians 1, Avengers 1 & 2, Thor 1 & 2, Fantastic Four movies if you really have to and everything in the Marvel cannon as all these films intertwine and we are heading fast towards Avengers Infinity War which is two films where the Guardians meet The Hulk, Captain America, Iron Man, Spiderman etc – The biggest movie or car crash of all time coming to megaplexes next year.

    Any Good – Wow, this is great fun, really really great fun, you will laugh, cry, dance, sing and yelp with excitement – go see it now. After last years endless blockbuster disasters, yes Ghostbusters/Independence Day/Batman V Superman and X-Men we are looking at you with Beauty and the Beast & Fast & Furious 8 and now this we could be in for a run of Billion dollar movies through 2017 via Pirates/Aliens/Star Wars/Apes/Transformers/Minions etc – we predict 2017 will be the biggest money making year in a Century of Hollywood movie making; Exciting times.

    Rating – 89% out of 100.

  • Review – The Fate Of The Furious (FF8)

    Review – The Fate Of The Furious (FF8)

    FAST AND FURIOUS 8 – This record breaking, epic edition to the turbo boosted car based action franchise is the most entertaining movie of the last twelve months by a speeding mile.

    © Universal

    Nutshell – Dom (Vin Diesel) goes rogue, for unknown reasons, forcing the rest of our favourite car wrecking posse to chase across the world from Cuba to Iceland via Germany and New York to find out why he has dissed his extended ‘family’, save the world and defeat tech badass Charlize Theron. Jason Statham is now a good guy and there are two megastar surprise appearances that push this over the top to be one of the greatest popcorn movies of all time.

    Running Time – 136 minutes; Certificate – 12A; The ultimate guys movie but with something for everyone really.

    Tagline – ‘Family No More: The Ride Isn’t Over’ – It should be, ‘The best fun you can have with your clothes on’.

    TheGayUK Factor – So, so many hunks, bulging shirts and even bigger trouser bulges. Vin Diesel, The Rock and Jason Statham are three huge gay icons but you get so many other big studs including the hottest piece of new man flesh Scott Eastwood (Clint’s son) who is a pure 11 out of 10 in anyones book. So much testosterone and you just know that there is some ass action between all the motorised mayhem.

    Cast – Vin Diesel, Jason Statham, Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson, Charlize Theron, Scott Eastwood, Michelle Rodriguez, Kurt Russell and loads more big names plus those two great megastar cameos in the third act that will make your chin drop to the floor and get you whooping with delight.

    Key Player – Vin Diesel took over this dying franchise after the appalling number 3 and turned it into a James Bond crossed Heist huge star juggernaut which is starting to look like the most successful franchise of all time. With two more already in the works it should now surpass Harry Potter and The Lord of the Rings in the all time earning stakes – taking it third behind Bond and Star Wars in a fraction of the time and without having to change its stars, style and look along the way.

    Budget – $250 Million. One of the biggest budgets in movie history and it went into profit in just 4 days flat – not so much a gamble as the surest bet for your cash the world has ever seen. Yes, it beat Titanic, Avatar, Jurassic World & every Star Wars in its opening week and we expect it will run and run for months.

    Best Bit – 1.02 mins. So many to choose from but one never before seen set of car stunts invoked by Theron’s bad girl Cypher who remotely takes control of hundreds of cars and makes them speed around corners in unison and then causes it to start raining automobiles from above – sensational stuff.

    Worst Bit – 0.00 mins. For the first time in TheGayUK annals we have great pleasure in saying their truly isn’t a bad bit here.

    Little Secret – Star & Exec Producer Vin Diesel had a massive bust up on set with Dwayne Johnson which resulted in an extremely pointed public tweet where Johnson said he was finished with the series for good. He called Diesel out for being a chicken shit, unprofessional and a candy ass – an urgent 6 hour meeting was called to patch things up… for now.

    Further Viewing – Fast 1’s through 7, all the Bournes, all the Bonds, Ocean’s 11 through 13, Cannonball Run, Monte Carlo Or Bust, Ronin and 25 series of Top Gear plus Clarkson’s new The Grand Tour.

    Any Good – This is a magnificently fun film. When you look up Friday night popcorn entertainment in the dictionary from now on you will see 4 words, Fast & Furious 8. Five was incredible, Seven was off the hook and this is way better, funny, exciting, jaw dropping and so much more. Yes, we are going over the top, but we cannot remember the last time we threw our hands up in the air in the movie theatre and here we did twice, there was even a round of applause at the end. This is the movie of the year period and it’s only April yet.

    Rating – 100 out of 100.

  • 60 Second Film Review | Logan

    60 Second Film Review | Logan

    LOGAN – Wolverine the breakout star of the X Men universe in his tenth and final appearance – pitched as the Superhero film unlike any other and boy did they deliver that.

    Logan review
    Ben Rothstein-© 2017 Marvel. TM and © 2017 Twentieth Century Fox Film

    Nutshell – A few years after the last X-men movie, and Wolverine a.k.a. Logan, is now pretty ancient doing rubbish work. Hiding in the Southern states to finance the medicine an even older Professor X who is on his last legs, as it were, across the Mexican border. They get embroiled with a young girl who needs their help and a cross country chase ensues. This is less a superhero movie and closer to a Jason Statham or Rambo, Schwarzenegger style fight movie – against the odds and it gets very dark indeed.

    Running Time – 135 minutes;

    Certificate – 15; yes that is right this is not kids’ entertainment and closer to a Kick Ass movie.

    Tagline – ‘His Time Has Come’ and maybe others time has come too (spoilers).

    THEGAYUK Factor – Hugh Jackman’s shirt is off an awful lot here and boy is the Aussie hunk looking pumped up and lean in all the right places. Loads of sweaty man on man fight action too as you always get in this genre and it could be the most masculine superhero film ever. No hetero love interest also helps it along here.

    Cast – Hugh Jackman who has made Wolverine his own for 18 long years, Patrick Stewart, the hunky Boyd Holbrook, Richard E Grant old Withnail himself on villain duty and Stephen Merchant gets out of the Office and away from Ricky Gervais for a couple of hours in the Marvel universe.

    Key Player – Jackman does what he always does and does it well but the real star here is Patrick Stewart. This film requires some serious acting rather than action chops and Stewart is one of the best at sucking every drop of emotion out of a scene.

    Budget – $97 million which is cheap for a Marvel tentpole and it made six figures and climbing in its first week so like all superhero films the profits are going to be huge.

    Best Bit – 1.50 mins; At last we get some superhero action and it is thrilling and well worth waiting for although short. Always good to see the baddies who are pretty out there here get their comeuppance in creative ways.

    Worst Bit – 0.45 mins; This is a very long film (The second longest X-men to date) and it sags a bit in the middle with a drawn out casino segment, garage segment and then a farm segment all with valid individual plot points but it really stretches the movie and makes it pretty episodic.

    Little Secret – This is the last film in which Hugh Jackman will play Wolverine. He has cited his age and his skin cancer as factors in him retiring from the role. The first Marvel film to not have an end credit scene and also no Stan Lee cameo. All very different.

    Further Viewing – X Men, X 2, The Last Stand, Origins, First Class, Wolverine, Days Of Future Past, Deadpool & Apocalypse the entire clawed heroes canon plus everything else that starts with the Marvel or DC logo plus every 80’s man against the odds fight film.

    Any Good – Make no mistake this is brutal stuff with gore a plenty and very adult themes. It is a very entertaining movie and truly thought provoking but with the exception of the last 20 minutes in no way is this a superhero movie as we have come to know them. Therefore alter your expectations accordingly to avoid disappointment and then you will love this for what it is… an out and out drama and a fitting climax to Logan Scissorhand’s story.

    Rating – 73% out of 100

  • 60 Second Film Review | XXX: The Return Of Xander Cage

    XXX : RETURN OF XANDER CAGE – The extreme sports turned International superspy franchise returns for the third time. Vin Diesel takes over both sides of the camera to attempt to repeat the Fast & Furious blockbuster reboot/relaunch thing.

    Nutshell – Xander Cage aka Vin Diesel comes back from death to travel the globe sorting out the baddies who are making satelites fall from the sky onto unsuspecting cities but as per usual who are the actual bad guys here? The action two movies ago was incredible and here it goes up and up with each action beat climaxing in some mid-air super stunts in the finale as he saves the world in stunning fashion again.

    Running Time – 107 minutes; Certificate – 12A

    Tagline – ‘Kick some ass, get the girl and try to look dope whilst you are doing it’.

    THEGAYUK Factor – Vin Diesel with muscles pumped up like balloons with buff sidekicks and hundreds of steroid enhanced bad guys this is a jerk off fest for blokes into REAL men sweating around and on each other – it just stops short of deep throat French kissing. The underwater scenes are pure gay porn alone.

    Cast – Vin Diesel, Samuel L Jackson, Toni Collette, Donnie Yen, Neymar Jnr and Ice Cube… true fans will work out what exactly this cast means after the last movie in the triple X franchise.

    Key Player – This is one guys film and it is Mr Diesel – He took over the Fast And Furious Franchise after 4 average films and turned it into the biggest money maker outside of Star Wars and he gives it all and some to hopefully do the same here.

    Budget – $85 Million but struggling to get outside of its home fanbase in the States but it is exactly the sort of film to do big business internationally – Number Four in the series is up in the air at the moment but we think and hope they will go for it big time.

    Best Bit – 0.34 mins; So so much action here its like a Bond film on steroids and the best is a superb motorbike chase on land… and then even better on water and through the surf – very impressive.

    Worst Bit – 1.37 mins; The comedy relief is a techy girl called Becky and boy is she annoying no more than when she is forced into a gun battle that you just want it over and done with.

    Little Secret – The world’s greatest footballer Brazil’s oh so fit as f*ck Neymar Jrn makes his acting debut here and not in just one extended scene but two – more please maybe shirtless next time.

    Further Viewing – XXX 1 and 2, Fast And Furious 5 through 7, The Expendables 1-3, James Bond 7-21 (Stop at Casino Royale if you like action) Jason Bourne 2 and 4 plus all 28 movies starring Jason Statham.

    Any Good – If you like this sort of thing you will love this – it is a true fans only movie. If you want acting, character development, poignant stories move right along… nothing to see here. It is way better than number two and we hope there are more. In the dictionary under Friday night popcorn movie you will probably find this films title alone.

    Rating – 67% out of 100.

  • 60 Second Film Review | La La Land

    60 Second Film Review | La La Land

    LA LA LAND – The Awards vaccum of 2017 and possibly of all time, sings and dances around the Hollywood hills in the straightest musical ever made – but where are the hits?

    La La Land review
    CREDIT: Dale Robinette / Lionsgate

    Nutshell – A very simple girl meets guy tale in and around the modern day Hollywood area of Los Angeles. He wants to open a jazz club and save that brand of music forever, she wants to be a film actress. Cue song and dance numbers, separations and a knock out twist in the last 20 minutes. This is so old fashioned you expect Gene Kelly, Ginger Rogers or Fred Astaire to appear at any minute hoofing around but don’t let that put you off.

    Running Time – 128 minutes; Certificate – 12A

    Tagline – ‘Here’s To The Fools That Dream’.

    THEGAYUK Factor – This is as pure a heterosexual movie as you will ever see so just enjoy the musical set pieces like a good little gay boy and imagine Ryan Gosling stripped naked fingering your organ instead of his loving piano.

    Cast – Ryan Gosling, Emma Stone, J K Simmons and far far too much of John Legend.

    Key Player – Damien Chazelle, he wrote it, he directed it and it is wholly his wonderful vision. He has come so far since Whiplash and 10 Cloverfield Lane. Next up First Man the story of Neil Armstrong setting foot on the moon starring, yep you’ve guessed it Ryan big swinging dick Gosling.

    Budget – $30 Million but already made four times that and it is still a month until its big Oscar night marketing boost – this will be very very big indeed and deserves it.

    Best Bit – 0.02 mins; The opening number is possibly the greatest tribute to LA ever. A huge single track production number set on a gridlocked freeway and the poppiest number on the whole soundtrack. It makes you so happy to be alive.

    Worst Bit – 1.02 mins; When Goslings character is showing for the umpteenth time how much he likes old school jazz in a group recording session where the other musicians want him to play modern music. A lot of the jazz in this wonderful film is very dull indeed and there is a reason old school jazz died out – that’s because it was sh*t.

    Little Secret – La La Land won 7 Golden Globes more than any other film in history beating One Flew Over The Cookoo’s Nest. It is up for 14 Oscars… the most ever equal with All About Eve and Titanic. The opening freeway scene was shot on the same stretch as the famous bus jump from Keannu Reeve’s/Sandra Bullock’s Speed movie – yep they still haven’t finished building it 30 years on.

    Further Viewing – Moulin Rouge, Grease, Tommy, Rent, Dreamgirls, Chicago, Once, Hairspray and any musical from the 50s or 60s on BBC2 in the afternoons.

    Any Good – Yes it is very very good and deserves all its plaudits and awards BUT, and it’s a big but, the songs are at very best average and at time maudling. This is not a jazz revival and there are no hit’s here which is a slight issue for a musical. Never mind the leads are great, it looks fantastic and that opening and closing will stay with you for many months to come.

    Rating – 91% out of 100.

  • 60 Second Film Review | Assassin’s Creed

    ASSASSIN’S CREED – No computer game has ever been made into a successful movie even with 25 years of trying and numerous attempts but at last we have a great…

    Oh no, it’s another turkey.


    Nutshell – Modern day Michael Fassbender is connected to the memories of his rooftop jumping assassin back in the ancient Spain of the Spanish inquisition. Plenty of action both in the past and the present day as the chase is on against the Knights Templar to gain possession of a powerful apple – yep, really a fruit with armageddon possibilities .

    Running Time – 115 minutes; Certificate – 12A

    Tagline – ‘Enter The Animus’ – yes you are reading this review correctly and it will get worse.

    THEGAYUK Factor – Fassbender has his shirt off for virtually the entire second half and boy is he cut or photoshopped to death – maybe for the sequel the pants will go too in a couple of fight scenes. Loads of other fit guys too throughout so forget the silly plot and knock one out of the wrist.

    Cast – Michael Fassbender, Marion Cotillard, Jeremy Irons, Charlotte Rampling and Brendan Gleeson that’s five serial Oscar botherers so what are they doing in a computer game movie? – Oh yes, the money of course.

    Key Player – The Parkour free runners who are central to all the action here do a stunning job and the foot chase scenes are simply incredible.

    Budget – $125 Million but it opened in the States with just $10 mil, no chance it will make its money back and start the much-anticipated franchise.

    Best Bit – 0.58 mins; The all important rooftop chase that this computer game made its name on; and this is an extended very impressive if largely unrealistic huge set-piece action beat.

    Worst Bit – 1.35 mins; With all the best bits early on, boy does this film run out of steam towards the end.  The last couple of fights are nothing like what has gone before and would have been left on the cutting room floor if this was mid-season Game Of Thrones.

    Little Secret – The film features the highest free fall performed by a stuntman in history. The stuntman performed a drop from the height of 125 feet (38 meters), which lasted almost 3 seconds with a 61 mph impact speed. Michael Fassbender did 95% of the fight scenes himself rather than use his stand-in .

    Further Viewing – Computer games made into movies are ten a penny but often are pretty lacking in quality – try Mortal Kombat, Warcraft, Resident Evil, Final Fantasy, Street Fighter, Doom, Super Mario Brothers and the best Prince of Persia and Tomb Raider.

    Any Good – It’s nice to look at and the acting and action early on is great but you just don’t care about anyone and anything going on really. This could have been so much better but having no definitive sides for good and evil, confusing time jumping sequences and the worst ever Macguffin makes this the first disappointment of 2017.

    Rating – 32% out of 100.

  • 60 SECOND FILM REVIEW | Star Wars Rogue One

    60 SECOND FILM REVIEW | Star Wars Rogue One

    ROGUE ONE: A STAR WARS STORY – Completely separate stand-alone Star Wars movie with all new characters telling the story that leads right up to the split second the original classic started back in 1977 when Leia leads the plans into R2D2 and Darth bursts through that door.

    Rogue One Star Wars review
    Rogue One: A Star Wars Story..L to R: Jyn Erso (Felicity Jones) and Cassian Andor (Diego Luna)..Ph: Jonathan Olley..© 2016 Lucasfilm Ltd. All Rights Reserved.

    Nutshell – The Empire is developing an ultimate weapon thought to be a planet killer which we of course we know becomes the Death Star. The Rebels have a plan to stop it which involves stealing its original plans which all goes well until Darth Vader turns up and then people start dying… an awful lot of people.

    Running Time – 133 minutes; Certificate – 12A

    Tagline – ‘Save The Rebellion, Save The Dream’

    The Gay UK Factor – Loads of hot guys in uniforms makes for a good starting place. The second Star Wars in a row to have a female lead but this time we have a very sexy guy at her side in the form of the hottest Mexican you have ever seen Diego Luna playing Cassian Andor and boy does that tight rebel uniform sticks to him in all the right places – we wonder if all the other stormtroopers & rebels are also horse-hung as he appears to be.

    Cast – Felicity Jones, Diego Luna, Adam Tudyk plus some major stars like Forest Whitaker, Mads Mikkelsen, Jimmy Smits and the very f**kable Ben Mendelsohn plus Peter Cushing and others photoshopped in for Seventies memory jerks.

    Key Player – The Star Wars saga has produced the best three robots in cinema history – time to meet number Four. K2SO is a Seven-foot new favourite and this robot seems as though he has been a regular performer down the Comedy Store for ages – you will laugh a lot.

    Budget – $200 Million the second biggest of the year and it is expected to make four times that back at least as there is little competition in theatres at present and it is only 11 months until the next one….Kerching !

    Best Bit – 1.50 mins; Two of the main characters have to climb up a giant indoor tower in a control room under fire in the best action sequence in the movie – all very exciting, time is running out fast and will they both survive?

    Worst Bit – 0.31 mins; With all new characters, it takes a bit of time to get going and there is a lot of introductions and expositions required. This is most apparent in a drawn out prison scene when you have really come to see lazer duels and starship battles.

    Little Secret – The inside of the Death Star was filmed at Canary Wharf underground station outside of normal hours. The most famous scene in the trailer where the lead female character on a platform comes face to face with a Tie fighter is not in the movie at all surprisingly but will be on the DVD release in 2017

    Further Viewing – Star Wars 1 – 7 are basic canon for the enjoyment of this also try Star Trek 1-13, Battlestar Galactica, Independence Day, The Black Hole and a million other spaceship battle movies that have become big-screen staples or anything with loads of sword battles like say Game of Thrones before it became repetitive.

    Any Good – This is very impressive stuff and with a tonne of surprises linked with a multitude of nostalgia and throwbacks to earlier (or later) films. The British director breaks a lot of rules here yet sticks to the standard plot build up of the recent SW movies. This will make megabucks and deservedly so and now we head into the Fortieth Anniversary year with the biggest movie yet on the horizon and one a year guaranteed from now on so it’s good times if you feel the force and bad news if you prefer Poldark, Grantchester and Downton type snore bores.

    Rating – 86% out of a hundred (That’s 10% up from the Force Awakens)

  • FILM REVIEW | Doctor Strange

    FILM REVIEW | Doctor Strange

    DOCTOR STRANGE – The 96th superhero film of the year probably. What can Benedict Cumberbatch do in spandex and with this never ending genre.

    Benedict Cumberbatch Doctor Strange
    Photo Credit: Jay Maidment..©2016 Marvel. All Rights Reserved.

    Nutshell – A surgeon loses his hands in a horrific car accident and goes on a voyage of discovery to the Himalaya’s where he finds superpowers in magic form meanwhile a mystical bad guy attacks two of the three entry sanctums in Honk Kong and London and it’s New York next and then the World is f***ed .

    Running Time – 115 minutes; Certificate – 12A

    Tagline – ‘The impossibilities are endless’

    The Gay UK Factor – Either you think Benedict is the sexiest man alive in which case you will love him in action mode or otherwise you will just enjoy his superb acting chops as usual. No other eye candy or gay sexiness here except the main henchman Scott Adkins who looks as though he would be a great lay… so bring on the fight and chase sequences.

    Cast – Benedict Cumberbatch, Rachel McAdams, Chiwetel Ejiofor, Tilda Swinton, Benjamin Bratt and Mads Mikkelson doing the same bad guy thing he did so well in Hannibal and Casino Royale he is the new Alan Rickman of baddies.

    Key Player – Marvel of course who seem to produce an endless supply of new superheroes many of which we have never heard of before and they all hit. They also a clever at creating new angles each time and twists in the story but keeping to the winning formula. This is the 14th movie in the Marvel Universe.

    Budget – $165 Million which is big but already made that back; now on for some serious profit and a bunch of sequels.

    Best Bit – 1.15 mins; When the hero discovers what will become his trademark cloak which turns out to have a life of its own. It becomes its own character and starts stealing scenes from this point on.

    Worst Bit – 0.35 mins; This is an origin film so we know there will be some discovery and a training montage but this one does drag a bit and makes your feet start to shuffle. It is not helped here with the learning curve being about mystical planes and alternate realities basically, out and out bollocks tbh.

    Little Secret – Benedict was the first choice for the role but had to turn it down due to his stage schedule in Hamlet. Joachim Phoenix was then cast but he went AWOL, so back to Cumberbatch it went. Casting Tilda Swinton as a Tibetan guru is seen as whitewashing the film in a partially racist way by many to placate the vitally important Chinese market who are touchy about anything Tibetan.

    Further Viewing – Surely you can work this out for yourself – every X-men, Iron Man, Captain America, Spiderman, Batman, Deadpool, Antman, Guardians, ad infin..effing..nitum.

    Any Good – Very good indeed there are two major action beats where reality is truly skewed in a sort of Inception/Matrix fashion that makes it unlike any other Superhero movie around. Having a truly great actor in the lead makes it all so believable and he is on top form here. So great characterization, humour, action and a cool story with a better bad guy and evil plan this could be really jumping onto everyone’s fave superhero film lists. The sequel could be incredible but he is in the new Thor next.

    Rating – 21/100 (21st out of the last 100 films reviewed with 1 being Gay UK filmatic heaven and 100 being a dud).