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Tag: 60 Second Movie Review

Our quick read Movie review format.

  • FILM REVIEW | Now You See Me 2

    NOW YOU SEE ME 2 – The sequel to the surprise hit magicians turned thieves movie from 2013. This time the bad guys from episode one are after revenge but nothing is what it seems.

    Nutshell – The Four Horseman magician team are in hiding after the events of the first movie. An attempt to bring down a ‘Steve Jobs’ type character goes badly wrong and they escape down a builders shoot in New York and come out the other end in Macau, China into the hands of a new techno wizz kid wrong’un! Who is the bad guy?, Who’s on the good side? It all turns in on itself many times like a coiling reptile with big set pieces, reveals and high drama like the best magic should with the years starriest cast.

    Time – 129 mins; Certificate – 12A

    Tagline – ‘Reappearing June 30th – You Haven’t Seen Anything Yet’.

    THE GAY UK FACTOR – Dave Franco the youngest of the horseman is just so damn cute and hot we just want to make magic babies with him all day and night. If you can watch this movie and not think about his ass all the time then you are better than us. As an added bonus Harry Potter himself Daniel Radcliffe turns up and boy is he starting to look a real hottie – Expelliramus, the boy has become a man

    Cast – Well known as the biggest starriest cast of the year with Jessie Eisenberg, Woody Harrelson, Mark ‘The Hulk’ Ruffalo, Michael Caine, Morgan Freeman, Franco, Ratcliffe and the sexiest thing to ever come out of Devon the Divergent star Ben Lamb

    Key Player – This is Jessie Eisenberg’s film, The Social Network star has turned into an actor that draws the eye away from everyone in all the movies he is in. He is a true star here.

    Budget – $90 Million mostly in star wages but only made 65 mil back. A huge chunk of the film is located in China matching the current trend from films such as Transformers etc to directly target the huge Asian box office which may help this film’s figures.

    Best Bit – 0.58 mins; A break in to a high-tech facility which requires an extensive slight of hand set of tricks with a single playing card involving all five magicians.

    Worst Bit – Two huge problems firstly Isla Fisher is greatly missed as the female horseman and Harrelson’s twin character here does not fit and really annoys in every scene he is in and as for his hair and facial hair ? – it’s just some rubbish casting.

    Little Secret – Isla Fisher had to be replaced and the story rewritten due to pregnancy.

    Movie Mistake – Lot’s; The Dallas skyline is used for the second safe scene supposedly in China, The FBI’s GPS seems to be on the blink and pointing at all sorts of places in London rather than Greenwich as it should be and as for the Dave Franco doing the public street three card trick in Covent garden at the same time as hypnotizing a key character in Greenwich well now that is real magic!

    Further Viewing – Now You See Me 1, The Illusionist, The Prestige, Harry Potter and the Goblet Of Fire, Hugo, Legend and The Great Houdini.

    Any Good – Well it is all pretty confusing and don’t even consider it if you have not seen the first film. Basically this just isn’t as good as the original which was fresh, fun and exciting this seems like a straight forward repeat film without the fizz – a magic trick that just doesn’t really come off.

    Rating – 66/100 (66th out of the last 100 films reviewed with 1 being Gay UK heaven and 100 being pants)

  • FILM REVIEW | The Secret Life Of Pets

    THE SECRET LIVES OF PETS – Is this the best film of the year? A modern animation film with as much appeal for adults as kids – just like Pixar used to be with added heart and more laughs per minute than Mrs Brown’s Boys or Ab Fab.

    Nutshell – A group of pets have one hell of a day when their owners are out at work. Centred largely around two dogs that via a chain of events get themselves lost across New York and then fall in with some very bad animals indeed. The rescue is on from another hound in love. He meets, an overweight cat, some birds and a rodent and it is pure happiness from start to finish.

    You will laugh in the first thirty seconds and still be splitting your sides 90 minutes later.  Let’s make it simple; this is a classic and a must see. In this depressing Summer. This film is the tonic we all need and then some. Bloody fantastic.

    Time – 90 mins; Certificate – U

    Tagline – ‘Ever wonder what your pet’s do all day?’.

    THE GAY UK FACTOR – Don’t be sick, if you’re into animals in that way move on now. This is simply the best fun you can have with your clothes on.

    Cast – Voice cast of quality rather than pointless star names for the sake of it. Albert Brooks, Kevin Hart, Louis CK, Dana Carvey and Steve Coogan.

    Key Player – Cinco Paul, Ken Daurio and Brian Lynch the three writers that give us a fresh, fun, laugh out loud, thrilling and exciting story that all this year’s live-action blockbusters have failed to do.

    Budget – $75 Million only opened in a couple of European territories but we expect it to make over $150 million and climbing in a month then there are DVD sales, TV Deals, toy sales and a million other memorabilia marketing possibilities after all this is the team behind the Despicable Me series and look what they did with that Minions brand.

    Best Bit – 0.01 mins; Which is when you first realise how good this movie is going to be but we could have picked any of the 90 minutes right through to the superb Bill Withers song climax set piece.

    Worst Bit – There isn’t one. There we said it. Maybe if you don’t like snakes, there is a dark sequence in the middle that will leave you squirming.

    Little Secret – 2016 will go down as the best year for animation in history ironically in a year that has been largely rubbish for live action. With Zootropolis, Kung Fu Panda, Angry Birds, The Jungle Book, Ice Age and Finding Dory plus more to come all hitting really big the animated Oscar race will be cutthroat we presumed it was a shoe-in for Zootropolis, but now it is probably handing the trophy over to these furry critters.

    Movie Mistake – There is never any mistakes in animation just loads of opportunities for fun inserts, and here we have a lot of references to characters from the studios megahit Despicable Me series as well as posters on buses etc. for their forthcoming movie releases like Sing – never miss a chance for a few subliminal advertising guys.

    Further Viewing – Monsters Inc, Toy Story 3, Babe, Finding Nemo, Shrek, Zootropolis, The Jungle Book, The Lion King and anything else from Disney/Pixar or Dream Works with four legs.

    Any Good – Well Yessss! Hopefully, by now you will have got the message that this is unmissable. If you own a pet of any sort or love animals, then you will get even more out of this. Take your niece, your nephew, the noisy kid from next door but whatever you do go and see the most lovable group of animals since Mowgli set foot in the jungle or Babe learnt how to herd sheep.

    Rating – 6/100 (6th out of the last 100 films reviewed with 1 being Gay UK heaven and 100 being pants)

     

     

     

  • 60 SECOND FILM REVIEW | Independence Day : Resurgence

    60 SECOND FILM REVIEW | Independence Day : Resurgence

    INDEPENDENCE DAY: RESURGENCE – The aliens are back to try and take over the world and destroy some more well-known landmarks 20 years after the first campy sci-fi classic. The effects have moved on greatly but has the story gone with it?

    (C) CREDIT: Fox

    Nutshell – Same format almost exactly but everything is a lot bigger and noisier this time. A random bunch of unconnected characters all have their moments just like last time and are all needed in some way to defeat a much bigger threat from outer space. This time the aliens mean business with only one ship but here it lands in the Atlantic ‘Which bit ? a character asks ‘the whole of it as this warship is 3,000 miles across’ is the reply and their plans are even more full on this time, but us humans have some new extraterrestrial help too.

    Time – 121 mins; Certificate – 12A

    Tagline – ‘We had twenty years to prepare….so did they’.

    THE GAY UK FACTOR – The younger Hemsworth brother the hunky Liam for a full two hours in military uniform is the main attraction here. His brother Chris (Thor) has been at the very top of our wank bank for years but his younger sibling has the same Aussie man’s man muscle look!

    Cast – Liam ‘megabulge’ Hemsworth, Jeff Goldblum, Vivian A Fox, Judd Hirst, Bill Pullman basically everyone is back except Will Smith who obviously knew something the others didn’t (and wanted far too much cash – see below).

    Key Player – Jeff Goldblum is pure class, he eats up the screen and brings his much loved puzzled scientist from, The Fly and Jurassic Park films front and centre here as he slowly works out at the same pace as we do what the big bad’s are really up too.

    Budget – $165 Million a full $100m more than the first film now that’s inflation for you and it doesn’t make it a better film one bit. It will make profit as all brands tend to do but it won’t make enough to kickstart a third film which is somewhat trailed here (and was the original plan).

    Best Bit – 0.31 mins; A very tense rooftop hospital rescue which is genuinely nail biting and you won’t guess how the scene ends as it has the movies best twist.

    Worst Bit – 0.33 mins; As London gets demolished instead of Washington DC and New York last time we hit special effect overload as the good guys attempt their escape. Its effects look poor because they are, the scenario does not work at all and it is ludicrously unbelievable, unthrilling and you won’t care about the outcome which is pretty obvious anyway.

    Little Secret – The original film ID1 was the second highest grossing film of all time when it was released behind Jeff Goldblum’s other hit Jurassic Park. Will Smith was due to reprised his role here but Fox Studio turned down his record-breaking fee of $50 Million.

    Further Viewing – ID 1, War Of The Worlds, Mars Attacks, Alien 2, Predator, The Day The Earth Stood Still & V The classic TV series.

    Any Good – ID 2 is fine, no more no less. It is not a classic like the first one and it hugely misses the presence of Will Smith and his ‘Welcome to earth’ one liners. The fault is with the same director Roland Emmerich who this time is simply just phoning it in, this needs a much better story and more threat. We cannot remember a film when less would have been so much more than we have here – the first film was truly superb and had so many great ideas crammed in this one doesn’t and isn’t.

    Rating – 74/100 (74th out of the last 100 films reviewed with 1 being best and 100 being a damp squib).

    ORDER From Amazon | iTunes

  • FILM REVIEW | Teenage Mutant Nija Turtles: Out Of The Shadows

    FILM REVIEW | Teenage Mutant Nija Turtles: Out Of The Shadows

    TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES: OUT OF THE SHADOWS – The sequel to the hit family rebooted franchise now in its 30th year about the four amphibians up against Shredder once again and another old favourite bad guy. This is the seventh full length turtle film to date.

    CREDIT: Paramount/YouTube

    Nutshell – The Turtles are still hiding in the sewer from public view acting as vigilantes with their two human and one rat accomplaces. Their nemesis Shredder breaks free of custody, makes it to Dimension X where he meets Krang the ultimate Turtle enemy. He has a device to conquer earth but just needs two more parts and the amphibians out of the way. A breakneck adventure takes them all to the Amazon and back and along the way the Turtle Power team disintegrates and find a way to become human and leave their amphibian lives behind forever.

    Time – 113 mins; Certificate – 12A

    Tagline – ‘Raise Some Shell….Only One Team Can Save Us All’.

    THE GAY UK FACTOR – It’s a family film but the new love interest for April O’Neil is megahunk Stephen Amell playing the ongoing character of Casey Jones. You may know him as Green Arrow from the hit superhero TV series and he is 10 out of 10 in anyones books with an ass built to be rimmed. Hopefully the shirt comes off in the next film.

    Cast – The worlds hottest babe Megan Fox, Will Arnett, Laura Linney, Will Amell and a heavily made-up and barely recognisable Tyler Perry.

    Key Player – The special effects team as you really forget that the four leads are not real and it makes the film truly entertaining. Even more important is the special effects crew producing two of the top five stunt sequences of the year.

    Budget – $135 Million and in this special effects delight it is all up on the screen. Already profited with $150 million and in the top 10 most successful movies of the year and climbing so bring on the next one.

    Best Bit – 0.14 mins; A great action sequence where ‘The Foot’ on souped up motorbikes set about kicking some cop ass to free Shredder from his prison convoy. The Turtles enter the fray and all hell breaks loose. Simply the best stunt scene of the year so far.

    Worst Bit – 0.18 mins; Our first visit off planet to Dimension X which is fine but the problem is Krang himself. As the ultimate bad guy here in a huge robot suit he just looks like Davros with a headcold and easily defeatable. Shredder alone as seen last time around is the perfect foe and there was no need to steroid up the bad team.

    Little Secret – The fan base goes wide – Director Dave Green has been a huge TMNT fan from childhood; he used to dress up as Donatello.
    Kevin Eastman the creator of “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” universe all those years ago, appears as a pizza delivery guy.

    Movie Mistake – They get it spot on except for April’s reappearing and disappearing black trousers in the Britney Spears school girl spy tracking scene.

    Further Viewing – Any of the many entries in the Turtle Power cannon, Ghostbusters, Transformers 1-5, Men In Black, Any Marvel or DC superhero film especially the Spidermans.

    Any Good – As with other sequels you will have made up your mind on your interest level when you saw the title alone. If already on board then this is a step up from the last one with some clever ideas and great stunt work, if not then nothing new here to bring you on side.

    Rating – 39/100 (39th out of the last 100 films reviewed with 1 being best and 100 being a damp squib).

    Order it from Amazon

  • FILM REVIEW | X-Men: Apocalypse

    X-MEN : APOCALYPSE – The Third, Sixth or Ninth helping from the X universe depending on how you are counting them up and this time it’s the end of the world by missile or metal in the earths core we got confused.
    Photo Credit: Alan Markfield.

    Nutshell – A huge cast of characters come together to do battle with Apocalypse a century’s old mutant from ancient Egypt who is backed with his oh so evil four horsemen one of which is regular Mutant bad guy Magneto. Everyone is back but it all turns into a bit of a confused mess to be honest trying to fit far too much in and so many character arcs. Extensive knowledge of the previous films will greatly help as they are referenced throughout but the real problem here is the bad guys who are pretty undeveloped and seem to be massively pissed at the 21st Century for no real reason we could see and boy is it long leading eventually to a pretty weak and throwaway climax.

    Time – 144 mins; Certificate – 12A

    Tagline – ‘Prepare For The Apocalypse; Only The Strong Will Survive’.

    THE GAY UK FACTOR – As with all superhero films you get a load of very fit muscular guys in tight spandex outfits and this film has more than most so all good there. Our faves are Michael Fassbender who is now odds on favourite to be the next James Bond and Nicholas Hoult who always looks so hot and sexually corruptible. Luckily they both have a lot of screen time and they stand out from every scene they are in.

    Cast – James McAvoy, Michael Fassbender, Jennifer Lawrence, Oscar Isaac, Nicholas Hoult, Rose Byrne and the sexiest new star we have seen for a long while Ben Hardy as Angel plus some famous uncredited cameos.

    Key Player – Michael Fassbender just hogs your attention throughout. In his third appearance as Magneto he could do this in his sleep but luckily this time he has an even bigger character arc to work with. He is now arguably the best actor on the planet and he relishes being a bad guy that you would not want to meet on a lonely dark street or maybe you would ?.

    Budget – A whopping $178 Million which it has just made back largely on the success of the previous titles in the franchise. This will be the least successful X-Men film to date and with no obvious threads as to where to go next so it might get interesting over at Marvel HQ and Wolverine may be getting a phone call.

    Best Bit – 0.10 mins; A great West Berlin sequench of forced cage fighting of mutants against their will that really makes you think you are in for a great movie – you aren’t..

    Worst Bit – 1.50 mins; The last 40 mins is a pretty overpumped uninvolving sequence of action beats that are all lacklustre. Maybe consider leaving early before the Cities of the World are turned to dust killing millions whilst none of the characters really seem that bothered about the death count.

    Little Secret – Although the box office on Apocalypse will be below what was hoped there are already two more X-Men films planned namely X-Force & X-Men: The New Mutants. This is the final part of the ‘First Class’ Trilogy and the future films will concentrate on the new young mutants introduced here.

    Movie Mistake – It all gets a bit questionable when Magneto starts to raise anything metal from the ground but there are so many things which don’t seem affected at all including cars and lorries in the background and then the metallic X-men airplane also seems to be un affected and don’t look to hard at all the English signs in the Auschwitz camp scene either.

    Further Viewing – Any movie with a X in the title or Wolverine, Avengers Assemble, Iron Man, The Fantastic Four, Guardians of the Galaxy and everything starring Fassbender.

    Any Good – It has all the right ingredients but boy does it do very little with the great talent, director and budget. This is without doubt the poorest of the series with too many characters and baddies you won’t register with. See it so as you know what is happening in the ongoing series but tbh this is a disappointment and a missed opportunity.

    Rating – 81/100 (81st out of the last 100 films reviewed with 1 being best and 100 being a damp squib).

  • FILM REVIEW | Captain America Civil War

    FILM REVIEW | Captain America Civil War

    CAPTAIN AMERICA : CIVIL WAR – Every Superhero you have ever heard off in one big motherfrigging fall out and take down.

    Photo Credit: Zade Rosenthal..© Marvel 2016

    Photo Credit: Film Frame.© Marvel 2016

    Nutshell – The third pure Captain film asks the basic question are you Team Captain or Team Iron Man. Half of Marvel’s finest decide, after a recent accident, that they should be governed and regulated whilst the other half think they should remain free agents. Old favourites return, new heroes are introduced and all hell breaks loose in the many action scenes leading up to the ultimate Superhero showdown of all time.

    Time – 147 mins; Certificate – 12A

    Tagline – ‘Whose Side Are You On’.

    THE GAY UK FACTOR – Are you serious ? More hot men in Spandex than you will see in a whole season of the Tour De France. Our favourite Chris Evans who plays the lead is just a great horny looking guy that draws your eye from all the other hunk talent on show and he has an ass to die for plus great biceps in close up in the key helicopter sequence.

    Photo Credit: Film Frame..© Marvel 2016

    Photo Credit: Film Frame.© Marvel 2016

    Cast –  Captain America/Chris Evans, Iron Man/Robert Downey Jnr, Scarlett Johansson/Black Widow, Paul Rudd/AntMan, Tom Holland/Spiderman, Jeremy Renner/ Hawkey, Paul Bettany/Vision plus William Hurt, Marisa Tomei and Martin Freeman.

    Key Player –  Falcon comes off best he just swoops around disposing of the bad guys with pure cool and he has a mega-cool drone called Redwing which in the comics was a real (Falcon) bird.

    Budget – No surprise that this cost a lot – $250 million. This is of course safe territory it covered its costs in just six days. It is now heading for the top after chart toppers of 2016, Zootopia and The Jungle Book to become the biggest movie of the year, we guess it will finish up making about $800 million.

    Best Bit – 1.30 mins; The two team-ups have been building for a while but when they finally come face to face in a German airport you get the best scene of the year so far.

    Worst Bit – 1.35 mins; It is not bad just an obvious plot twist so that the tiny Ant Man can pull his weight fighting other superheroes equally it seems shoehorned in to even the teams-up.

    Little Secret – This is the longest ever Marvel film and the 13th in the studio’s master plan. Chris Evans suffered a severe arm injury in the helicopter sequence but the close up muscles are all him with no photo shop whatsoever on his massive wanking arm.

    Movie Mistake – In the final fight Iron Man’s helmet keeps appearing and disappearing similar to the windscreen that Captain smashes in the big vehicle chase.

    Awards – Nothing between now and October is going for awards this is going for cash and lots of it.

    Further Viewing – Captain America 1 & 2, Avengers 1 & 2, Spiderman’s 1 through 3, Ant Man, Thor, 8 Batmans, 7 Supermans and maybe a few more superhero films for good measure.

    Any Good – Abso-damn-lutely. This is real boys own stuff and maybe the best Marvel film yet. This is well plotted with endless superb action a great cast, funny lines and a script Christopher Nolan would be proud of. See in IMAX or 3D if possible.

    Rating – 7/100 (7th out of the last 100 films reviewed with 1 being best and 100 being a damn squib).

     

    Order from Amazon Prime | Amazon | iTunes

  • 60 SECOND FILM REVIEW | The Jungle Book

    60 SECOND FILM REVIEW | The Jungle Book

    THE JUNGLE BOOK – Live action version of Disney’s 50-year-old classic and boy does it look good.

    ©2016 Disney Enterprises, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
    ©2016 Disney Enterprises, Inc. All Rights Reserved.

    Nutshell – Rudyard Kipling’s book was adapted into the 1967 cartoon movie classic which was Walt Disney’s last film before he died. It turned into a perennial favourite thanks to its great jazz tunes tastefully reprised here and superb story and entertainment value. Here we have just one actor Mowgli and an array of computer generated characters, phenomenal backgrounds enlivened by the obligatory list of superstar voices. There is a lot of action here throughout the film to appeal to the modern audience coupled with some great comedy and boy does it work on every front big time. A movie for kids, big kids and everyone else that just wants a good honest fun commercial thrill ride with a heart of gold.

    Time – 106 mins and man is it crammed from opening chase to closing showdown;

    Certificate – PG it’s a family movie of course – it will become a TV holiday staple.

    Tagline – ‘The Legend Will Never Be The Same’ – This follows Disney’s successful run of reproducing its animated standards in live action format. We have had Alice In wonderland, Cinderella, Snow White & last month’s The Huntsman and Maleficent (Sleeping Beauty) and every one has been massively more successful than the original so expect the same here.

    THE GAY UK FACTOR – Don’t be silly, there is nothing here for your willy or libido, yes there are bears, giant phallic stakes and mano on mano action but get your head out of the gutter this is pure clean fun. Just switch your Scruff off and put your Grindr on mute and relive your childhood you can visit the gay bar on your way home for your jollies.

    Cast – Debutant Neel Sethi as boycub Mowgli, then the stars step in – Bill Murray as Baloo, Scarlett Johansson as Kaa the snake, Idris Elba as villainous tiger Sheer Khan, Ben Kingsley as Panther Bagheera, Christopher Walken singing as ape supremo King Louie and so on through Gary Shandling, Lupita Nyong’o, Sam Raimi and even the director himself Jon Favreau.

    Key Player – ‘Trust in me’ everyone is superb with one exception see below but the movie is dominated by Bill Murray’s Baloo. He is funny, sad, heroic and just what you want him to be. He was allowed to ad lib through his scenes and unusually for an effectively computer generated cartoon he was able to do voices acting alongside the other characters in particular Mowgli and it so works probably only been bettered by Robin William’s Genie in Aladdin.

    Budget – We are in big bollocks territory here with a mega budget of $175 million. No worries though – after 2 weeks it had made over $300 million and it still needs to open in many territories so a lot more moolah to come for this one – it will make a big stack of Rupees and it could surpass Batman v Superman to become the biggest hit of 2016 so far.

    Best Bit – 0.51 mins; There are so many great set pieces and they get everyone just right. Therefore you could pick the exciting first chase by Sheer Khan through the grasslands involving a ‘tribute’ stampede or you could pick the sad moment when Baloo has to lie or the excellent moment when Mowgli becomes the hero of the Elephants. All superb but you will really feel the true magic when you see a little boy floating down a stream banging out the beat to a very familiar tune on a big bears chest where you will be heading straight back to your childhood with the biggest of smiles on your face as if Tom Daley’s Speedos have just fallen off mid dive.

    Worst Bit – 0.02 mins; The very live looking animals take some getting used to when they start speaking – it just seems weird but you soon accept it and then along comes Bagheera the panther. Ben Kingsley is a great actor and has a very distinctive voice but it is so posh and Oxbridge that coming out of a wild animal or a big cat just seems as wrong as Donald Trump’s haircut.

    Little Secret – There were two Jungle Books in production at the same time with this and the forthcoming Jungle Book Origins (plus a Tarzan film too). Disney won the race and is raking in the cash but as we have seen with two asteroid movies at the same time, two volcano movies, two Truman Capote movies or two Terrorists taking the White House films etc it does not mean that the film that comes out second suffers it just has to make sure it is damn good. This was Gary Shandling’s last movie he finished – one month before he died.

    Movie Mistake – So so many but in a kid’s film does it matter. The animals are all over the place as the film is set in the Indian jungle but we seem to have species from around the globe. African Elephants ? Sumatran orangutans ? Chinese Wolves ? Himalayan Bears ? Peccary’s and Red Eyed Frog’s from whole Continents away and so it goes on. The snake Kaa is 5 times larger than any Indian species ever found and King Louie is even more out of proportion roughly 10 times bigger than any monkey ever. The scars, wounds and bee stings on Mowgli appear and disappear so often that we lost count.

    Awards – Nobody has ever won for voice work alone so it won’t happen for individuals and it won’t get nominated in animated categories as it doesn’t fit the criteria so just prizes for the excellent technical team possibly.

    Further Viewing – The Jungle Book (1967), Babe, Scrooges, Alice In Wonderland, The Lion King, The Jungle Book (1994), The Jungle Book 2, next years Jungle Book Origins, Greystoke : Lord Of The Apes, Disney’s Tarzan, The Legend Of Tarzan (Out this Summer), Tarzan Of The Apes...

    Any Good – Of course it is. Disney is getting really good at delivering these live versions of animated classics and this was probably the most sacred cow and the hardest to do as the cast are almost all animals. Jon Favreau the director delivers big time with every minute put to good use and so much great action and suspense. It looks so damn good too and kids will watch the DVD over and over again and with so much going on that adults will like that won’t drive you as crazy as multi repeats of say Frozen or The Lego Movie.

    Rating – 15/100 (15th out of the last 100 films reviewed with 1 being Gay UK filmatic ejaculatery heaven and 100 being as much fun as a Tottenham Hotspur Premiership Victory party)

     

  • 60 SECOND FILM REVIEW: Eye In The Sky

    EYE IN THE SKY – Real Time Thriller, Real decisions behind fighting war long distance by drone & huge moral issues.

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  • 60 Second Gay UK Film Review | Eddie The Eagle

    60 Second Gay UK Film Review | Eddie The Eagle

    Eddie The Eagle – The true story of the ultimate underdog sporting hero in the feel good film of the year.

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  • 60 SECOND FILM REVIEW | Batman V SuperMan

    60 SECOND FILM REVIEW | Batman V SuperMan

    BATMAN V SUPERMAN : DAWN OF JUSTICE – Endless muscles in tight spandex fighting for dominance

    CREDIT: Warner Bros
    CREDIT: Warner Bros

    Nutshell – For once all the opinions and advance reviews are spot on. It is overlong, extremely confusing and although fine just not as good as you want it to be. DC comics set out to do a Marvel ‘Avengers’ and launch a huge network of films off the back of this movie which features no fewer than 7 separate superheroes all due their own films with an incredible 10 movies depending on this one’s success. Following directly on from ‘Superman’s’ Man Of Steel movie the two main protagonists both believe the other is simply plain bad news for planet earth and set out to make Metropolis or Gotham one superhero lighter. Legendary Superman baddie Lex Luther really starts screwing things up along the way and Supes has his usual love interest Lois Lane but Batman does not and in all that tight leather one starts to suspect he bat’s for our team.

    Time – Holy bat haemorrhoid’s a ring punishing 151 mins; Certificate – 12A so no real violence here

    Tagline – “Who Will Win” or ” The World’s finest have arrived” take your pick

    THE GAY UK FACTOR – If you are into leather there is a tonne of it, tight spandex with bulges even more. Henry Cavill was recently voted fourth sexiest man on the planet and here we see him climbing into the bath-tub with a naked Lois Lane but he keeps he clothes on – damn you kid friendly cinema ratings we were hoping for the Cavill cock or at least an ass shot.

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    Cast – Four Oscar winners all running on automatic here. Ben Affleck as the Bat has two statuettes but not for his acting, Kevin Costner, Holly Hunter & Jeremy Irons won’t get more awards here. Henry Cavill probably the worst actor on the planet not called Sam Worthington, Jesse Eisenberg (The Social Network) with all the best lines like a good baddie should have, Amy Adams (Enchanted) as Lois Lane & Laurence Fishburne (The Matrix)

    Key Player – Gal Gadot, fresh from lighting up all the best Fast and Furious films this Israeli actress and super model only has 16 lines but Dame Judi Dench style steals the whole movie from the guys and when she turns up as Wonder Woman at one point one of the new franchises to be going forward the movie truly flies.

    Budget – $250 million one of the biggest budgets in movie history and at least you can say the majority of it is up on the screen. A few less characters and therefore less paycheques would have made a better more coherent film. It has made $170 million so far so looking OK in a sort of Waterworld way where it makes money but due to expectations everyone sees as a flop

    ALSO READ: Someone just made the Batman V Superman trailer gay and we love it.

    ALSO READ: Homophobe calls himself Batman before exposing his penis.

    Best Bit – 1.58 mins; When at last the two superheroes meet and start to duke it out so that they can save the life of another major character orchestrated by Luther. The idea that Batman with his earthly powers does not stand a chance against the alien strength of the world spinning Superman should be a problem but oh no this is a fair fight when who wins is always in doubt and keeps you on the edge of your seat.

    Worst Bit – 49 mins; When Wonder Woman breaks into lex Luther’s computer and discovers a handful of other superheroes such as The Flash, Cyborg and Aquaman all with their movie franchises to come but it’s when this film really starts to get unnecessarily confusing – one film at a time please guys. They are all due to form a part of the legendary Justice League hence the subtitle here ‘Dawn Of Justice’

    Little Secret – Ben Affleck stated in a interview that he had asked if he could have the batsuit when filming was complete. The producers said yes, but that he would have to pay $100,000 in order to keep it. Affleck quickly changed his mind and asked if he could just take a picture with it instead. This is the first Batman film ever to be released outside of the lucrative Summer blockbuster period and the first to be filmed in 3D. Matt Damon, Joachin Phoenix and Bradley Cooper were all sought for the Lex Luther part. This is the 10th Batman film in 75 years but the 16th for Superman.

    Movie Mistake – Quite a few we could mention the ever changing coffin lid at a key funeral, the movie script pinned to Clark Kent’s suit when he climbs into the bath etc but there is such a major goof that it just jars. After the two heroes have a very long nasty bone crunching fight where Batman’s cowl is smashed; the bat then flies off to beat up another bunch of thugs without any evidence of muscle strain! But what’s this? – The Bat is in a completely different batsuit and with no broken cowl yet only a couple of minutes had passed and in that time he had to get from Gotham to Metropolis as well – now that’s super powers or just truly crap continuity.

    Someone at the Daily Planet needs to check the spelling of the word ‘Mourning’ too.

    Awards – Maybe for effects, stunts and technical teams and Golden Raspberries for poor acting from Affleck and especially Cavill and maybe for director Zach Snyder who spent all that cash on a 3 star film and who certainly needs to find a decent editor to cut some scenes out.

    Zach you are risking 10 movies here on a gamble you may have lost.

    Further Viewing – Man Of Steel, The Dark Knight, Avengers Assemble, Alien V Predator, Iron Man 3 & Captain America Winter Soldier the best comic book movies and the recently released Gay porn parody of Batman V Superman from Men.com where Supe’s injects some serious kryptonite into a doubled over gaping bat hole or bat cave as it were… oh we mean ass!

    Any Good – Well it is fine, no better no worse, you won’t be asking for your money back and you will probably check out all the MANY films that will follow from this, in fact most of it’s problems stem from the fact that it is trying to set up a whole cinematic universe that will run and run for a decade rather than concentrating on this plot. Affleck is fine and although no Christian Bale, is worthy to continue in the black cape whereas Henry Cavill who is actually a Brit is at least very easy on the eye and gets to wear the tightest gear; He wants Bond but please Mrs Broccoli please don’t do it. The action is fine without being memorable, the early part is clever picking up from the previous Man Of steel film neatly and as for that solo Wonder Woman project well that can come as soon as it wants.

    Rating – 72/100 (72nd out of the last 100 films reviewed with 1 being Gay UK filmatic ejaculatery heaven and 100 being as much fun as watching The Green Lantern film in a double bill with the stinking Fantastic Four movie in wet underpants and an overtight cock ring.

  • 60 SECOND Movie REVIEW | Grimsby – The Biggest Penis You’ll See On Film – FACT

    60 SECOND Movie REVIEW | Grimsby – The Biggest Penis You’ll See On Film – FACT

    FILM: Grimsby

    Sacha Baron Cohen as Nobby in THE BROTHERS GRIMSBY.
    Sacha Baron Cohen as Nobby in THE BROTHERS GRIMSBY.

    Nutshell 

    This is a very adult comedy action spy movie rather than a spoof which we have seen before. A chav footie hooligan (Cohen) finds his long lost brother who is the UK’s top secret agent/assassin. After wrecking his latest operation they both go on the run across Africa and South America in an attempt to save the world from destruction by shoving things up their asses, sucking each others bollocks and getting covered in a lot of ejaculate. Very funny and very rude and mega sexy Mark Strong stops Armageddon with a dildo up the chuff so what is there not to like.

    Time 

    A tight jam packed 83 mins; Certificate – 15

    Tagline

     “MI6 Has a Brand New Tool” or “One Secret Agent, One Complete Idiot”

    THE GAY UK FACTOR

    Mark Strong the thinking man’s Jason Stathan get’s covered in cum not once but twice and this ain’t gay porn is he trying to tell us something.

    Cast  

    Sascha Baron Cohen, Mark Strong, Rebel Wilson, Sacha’s wife as always in his movies Isla Fisher, Benidorm’s very own Johnny Vegas, Ian McShane (Lovejoy), Ricky Tomlinson from The Royle Family and Cold Feet’s own John Thomson and many other cameos plus two Oscar nominated actresses in Penelope Cruz and Gabourey Sidibe.

    ADVERT

    [adinserter block=”1″]

    Key Player

    Like with Borat, Bruno, Ali G, The Dictator etc this is Sacha’s show period. If you like his humour you are quids in if not then give it a miss. He goes a bit over the top here with a 90 minute Liam Gallagher impersonation which does not really hit the mark but not only acts, he is in charge of the screenplay, his misses is the leading actress and other family members take charge of things like music and so on.

    Budget

    $35 million likely to gross just over 20 million – oh dear so not a Borat size hit then – trouble is for the International market is it is SO English – Jokes about Manchester United fans for example ?

    Best Bit

    0.48mins; Whilst escaping from a gang of gun toting thugs the brothers have to find a quick place to hide in the middle of the African bush. We won’t tell you what happens but it is one of those scenes that the whole film will get remembered for like Sharon’s snatch in Basic Instinct, the orgasm scene in When Harry Met Sally or ‘I am your father’ from Empire Strikes Back, yes it is that legendary a sequence.

    Worst Bit

    26 mins; Sascha Baron-Cohen sucks poison from Mark Strong’s bollocks for a very very long time in front of Grimsby Town footie fans.

    Little Secret

    None of the film was shot in the Lincolnshire fishing port of the title as the film crew never went further north than Essex. All the ‘Benefit Street’ type look that was used for the Grimsby scenes were planted around Grays and other Essex estates massively to the chagrin of the folks of Grimsby who feel as though they have been misrepresented. Cohen did visit Grimsby for research but thought the town that has appeared in such movies as Atonement was not right for this one, or maybe he got scared.

    Movie Mistake 

    So many bearing in mind the above filming location switcheroo. The very opening scene involving the purchase of a mattress supposedly in Grimsby town centre is then wheeled on a trolley passed many signs saying Grays which is in Essex 5 counties away which is one very long walk akin to a Sports Relief charity fundraiser. Then there is the Essex train station and so it goes on.

    Awards

    Not a chance in hell but wasn’t made for that purpose purely to provide a bunch of belly laughs to the Cohen faithful of the last two decades who won’t be disappointed.

    Further viewing 

    The Dictator, Ali G The Movie, Kinsgman of the secret service, Spy, The Life of Bryan and anything by the South Park lads

    Any Good 

    Definitely if you like Sacha’s output you will laugh out loud repeatedly. If you are not in the right mood you may find the whole thing a course James Bond lite farce with knob jokes and Cohen just doing his usual schtick. His character is pretty unloveable and probably his most hard to like to date but Mark Strong is a great straight man and the supporting cast he has put together is top notch. We are not expecting a sequel but if they did make one we would be there for sure.

    RATING

    68/100 (68th place out of the last 100 films reviewed with 1 being Gay UK filmatic Heaven and 100 being as much fun as a Matt LeBlanc presenting a British car show outside the Centotaph).