THEGAYUK

Tag: 60 Second Movie Review

Our quick read Movie review format.

  • FILM REVIEW | Once Upon A Time In Hollywood

    FILM REVIEW | Once Upon A Time In Hollywood

    ★★★★ | One Upon A Time In Hollywood

    Brad Pitt star in Columbia Pictures “Once Upon a Time in Hollywood”

    Nutshell – Brad Pitt and Leonardo DiCaprio together for almost three hours and one of them goes shirtless… not enough? Well, this is Quentin Tarantino’s 9th and apparently, his penultimate movie a homage to the last Golden days of Hollywood, set in 1969 with the Manson murders of Sharon Tate & friends washing around in the background. Two hours of fantastically nostalgic beautiful cinematography & set dressing followed by some standard Tarantino blood lust at the denouement making it possibly the directors weirdest film to date. Leo is a fading movie star and Pitt is his stuntman. The former lives in the Hollywood Hills right next to a house just let to Mr Polanski and Ms Tate,

    Running Time – 161 Minutes so bring a cushion – Cert – 18, and yes you get plenty of language and violence for your buck.

    Tagline – ‘The 9th Film From Quentin Tarantino’ yes that is what they are going with to get you through the doors.

    The Gay UK Factor – The two leading men are and have always been gay icons and eye candy ever since we saw the unknown Brad’s abs in Thelma & Louise where he was playing an escort (we should be so lucky) and DiCaprio ‘s hair was wafting in the wind of a certain sinking ship. In many ways, they have never looked fitter than they do in this film and the camera lingers on every part of their body with a gorgeous soft glow throughout especially their (and everyone’s else feet) which has always been a kink of QT’s so heaven for foot fetishists everywhere. Brad Pitt has an elongated shirtless scene which is a distinct highlight and later LDC jumps into the pool to compete for you masturbatory fantasies.

    Cast – Leonardo DiCaprio, Brad Pitt, Margot Robbie (Hugely underused), Emile Hersh, Dakota Fanning plus cameos from Bruce Dern, Al Pacino & Damian Lewis and the very sexy hunks that are Luke Perry & Timothy Olyphant.

    Key Player – This is the writer, director & co-producer show and if you like QT then you have been waiting for his new movie for a while, if not a fan then the weird structure here may not convert you. It is definitely his most beautiful but is it lazy, overlong or indulgent… probably a bit of both.

    Budget – $90 Million and you often wonder how he produces such a fantastic 1969 look right throughout the film so cheaply, simply it looks a lot more expensive. QT films always make money (except the niche Jackie Brown) and at double the cost at the Box Office already then this is a hit but will it out gross Pulp Fiction and Django Unchained we think that running time and confusing word of mouth may halt it?

    Best Bit 1.28 mins; A very tense and languid confrontation between Pitt’s stunt man character and some of the Manson families followers on their derelict ranch home. As this film is not factual you don’t really know where this or other scenes are going and it is all the better for that. Rewriting history could be not big and not clever but it sure works here.

    Worst Bit – 0.40 mins; The Sharon Tate and Roman Polanski scenes are a bit undercooked and feel tacked on although they are of course vital to the film. Sharon has a long drawn out visit to a cinema to see a movie she is starring in which is certainly where the editor’s scissors should have started to maybe bring this marathon movie down under two hours.

    Little Secret – This maybe QT’s ‘9th film’ according to publicity but in fact, he has 22 directing credits and even more writing credits at 30… he has acted in 37 movies but it is difficult to remember any of them as he is not gonna give Daniel Day-Lewis a run for his money. Most of his films are 18 Certificate including this one.

    We checked the most successful 18 movies in History and found that there is only one ‘Horror’ film in the top 20 (Hannibal) the rest are made up of films there sometimes for violence but most commonly for swearing and the number one 18 Cert adult film of all time surprisingly is The Wolf Of Wall Street… no sex, no violence, no horror just Leo DiCaprio’s filthy mouth did his Mum not wash it out with soap enough when he was young.

    Further Viewing – Pulp Fiction, Reservoir Dogs, The Hateful 8, Kill Bill 1 and 2, Inglorious Bastards, Django Unchained you get the idea plus anything by Robert Rodriguez or Chris Nolan, Helter Skelter, The Manson family, The Black Dahlia, Hollywoodland and in fact any film that glorifies Hollywood’s past from Sunset Boulevard right through to La La Land.

    Any Good – Is it Tarantino’s best? No, but it is certainly way ahead of most other movies and a pleasant change to endless sequels and instantly recognisable blockbuster fare. In one word this is Art and it is not about making money although it will do that. Its structure is strange the longest build-up in cinema history slowly VERY SLOWLY introducing us to all its characters as they head into the last 30-minute typical Tarantinoesque showdown which is a major shot to the gut when the style change finally arrives.

    This reviewer is not the biggest QT fan but we enjoyed it more than any of the other eight but it is not for everyone as we said at the top this film is weird. If he directs another film it will be a Star Trek of all things and we hope he does as we cannot wait to see what he makes of a sci-fi franchise but we bet Kirk calls Spock a fucking big-eared c..t at some point as they get beamed up.

    Rating – 74/100

  • FILM REVIEW | Fast the Furious Hobbs and Shaw

    ★★★★ | FAST & FURIOUS : HOBBS & SHAW

    Nutshell – Two huge gay icons get their own spin-off (sort of) from the mega Successful F&F franchise. The cop and villain from the last four movies Misters Johnson & Statham have to chase the latest MacGuffin world killing virus through London, Russia and The South Seas in the biggest stunts of the year.

    Incredible action, but with these two highly likeable stars you get so much comedy to balance it out often aimed at The Stath’s height or The Rocks muscles and everything is a fun competition between these two even bashing heads.

    Running Time – 137 Minutes – Cert PG-12A.

    Tagline – ‘One is fast & the other is Furious but there is a new protagonist in town’

    The Gay UK Factor – With two of the fittest men in movies together for their own extended films this is a gay guy into muscle’s wet dream and the film they have been waiting for all year.

    The eternal mano et-mano posturing throughout here is reminiscent of every bit of gym or locker room banter you have ever heard and they do everything together except fuck. The Rock even goes shirtless for an extended Haka scene and the Stath jokes about him losing his baby oil…

    It could not get any queerer if the stars of Rocketman, Bohemian Rhapsody and Mamma Mia turned up for a lip-sync battle mid car chase.

    Idris Elba also goes shirtless too more than once as do many of the hot macho henchmen.

    Cast – Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson, Jason Statham, Idris Elba on bad guy duties & Vanessa Kirby as the female lead and then we have a new thing in F&F land endless cameos from Helen Mirren, Rob Delaney, Kevin Hart, Ryan Reynolds, etc etc.

    Key Player – This is the perfect double act. The producers saw the chemistry between these two guys in The Fast & The Furious and greenlit this new strand especially as The Rock and Vin Diesel were at loggerheads constantly so a new direction was needed. They are both the ultimate believable action heroes rather than say short arse Tom cruise who both have perfect comic timing that would get them a slot on Live At The Apollo any day of the week.

    Budget – $200 Million and it is all up there on the screen with one massive gravity-defying set piece after another. Worldwide Box office for the first week was 180 Mil and that was without the lucrative Chinese market where this series really cleans up. This is a box office bonus bonanza for Universal Studios being their 5th biggest opening of all time (And most of them are previous entries in this saga) it is also the biggest opening ever of both these two megastars.

    Best Bit – 1.16 mins; There is a tremendous car/bike chase through the busy packed streets of London’s Square mile early on but all the best bits come from the one-liners and they peak in a tremendous corridor fight scene where the stars wordplay hugely tops the great martial arts action with the endless gun-toting goons.

    Worst Bit – 0.28 mins; Jason Statham is 52 years old whilst Vanessa Kirby is 31yo but looks 10 years younger and here we are supposed to believe that they are brother and Sister & that she is an unstoppable fighting machine. It requires more suspension of disbelief and the strangest casting since a tank top wearing Denise Richards was cast as Dr Christmas Jones ‘a nuclear expert’ in James Bond’s The World Is Nor Enough.

    Little Secret – With the exception of the tropical climax and the studio scenes this film is shot entirely on location in the UK from Glasgow to The City Of London via High Wycombe and part of the fun is spotting the many locations you may know well… even the supposed many Russian set scenes are filmed across our fair isle.

    When this was greenlit it so annoyed Vin Diesel that he cut some of Johnson’s scenes in the last F&F film as he was exec producer and then failed to turn up for a days work leaving over 1,000 crew members idle. Idris Elba refused to say a scripted line for his character, calling himself “the black James Bond”. He instead used the phrase “black Superman” not to look too needy that he wanted the 007 job.

    Further Viewing – Fast & Furious 1-8, Need For Speed, The Cannonball Run, All Mission Impossibles, Spy, I Spy, and any mismatched buddy film from The Lethal Weapons to The Rush Hours, Bad Boys, Midnight Run & The 48 Hours movies not Wild Wild West though or anything with the words Jay & Silent Bob in them..

    Any Good – You know what you are getting here and there are no surprises but what you do get is another great chapter if you like this sort of thing and it seems everyone from 11-61yo does judging by its receipts. The surprise is the humour which really works and gives a great 80’s hit movie feel to it. The action is on par but maybe no real wow moment as in previous chapters but this is still great fun and the long-running time flies by.

    Whether this franchise goes down the Hobbs & Shaw route or back to the Vin Diesel ‘It’s all about family’ set-up time will tell but this is now the third longest-running franchise in history just passing Harry Potter and you would not bet on this overtaking Star Wars very soon.

    77/100

  • FILM REVIEW | Rocketman

    FILM REVIEW | Rocketman

    ★★★★ | ROCKETMAN

    Taron Egerton as Elton John in Rocketman from Paramount Pictures.

    The story of Elton John, Is it a musical definitely, is it a biopic partly is it sanitised? No damn way – 25 years of his life from 17-42 years-old, warts and all with added chems and gay relationships.

    Nutshell – Not really a chronological life story nor with chronological music but a celebration of our favourite ivory tickler with the many up’s and just as many down’s. The songs are not sung by Elton but by Taron and the cast which makes it a bit more interesting than the straight Queen lip-syncing in Bo Rhap for example. We get his early none fame days, his breakthrough worldwide and all the drugs, rock n roll and gay sex you could want largely featuring the long relationship with Manager John Reid plus his straight marriage. The story goes up until he finally checks in to rehab in the early ’90s and gets clean for life so no Lion King, David Furnish, Billy Elliott, Princess Di or AIDS campaigning.

    Running Time – 121 Minutes – Cert 15.

    The Gay UK Factor – The costumes, the endless music with many songs turned into ready for the stage musical versions and not skimping on his voyage of sexual discovery including gay kissing so a huge gay appeal indeed. The legendary two bare man ass sex scene has not made the final cut though fingers crossed for the extended or outtake DVDs for fans of Egerton and Madden’s asses. Maybe just as well as the kissing and hugging are enough to get the movie banned in some backward thinking countries alone. Taron Egerton is one great looking guy for anyone’s wank bank and he is fully supported here by the lush Richard Madden and a Jamie Bell looking much hotter than we have ever seen before. A new gay icon has arrived and it is Billy Elliott himself all grown up and as masculine and f**kable as a striking coal miner.

    Cast – Taron Egerton, Jamie Bell, Richard Madden, Bryce Dallas-Howard, Gemma Jones, Stephen Graham fresh from a good throat slitting in Line Of Duty and even unbelievably a low key Keith lemon himself.

    Key Player – A three-way split between the director Dexter Fletcher fresh from his three week stint saving the Oscar sponge Bohemian Rhapsody and doing a better job here. Taron is sensational and he has a great singing voice and most importantly he does his own thing than rather doing an impersonation which was Elton’s request. Finally of course Sir Elton himself whose endless superb songbook could fill four movies and some. There are many favourites here but just as many missing and it truly helps the movie fly by surely demanding repeated viewings.

    Budget – $40 Million – Yet this has already made six figures and is heading for 200K fast. Maybe it won’t make the 800K that the Queen film made last year (and this is the better film) but it is a bona fide hit and Taron’s stock has gone up as fast as Elton’s greatest hits sales have. So get ready for the George Michael film, the Bon Jovi biopic, the Steps & Vengaboys films, How the Weather Girls became big, the biopic of Shakin Stevens and the Chesney Hawks story probably all being green lit as we speak.

    Best Bit – 0.44 mins; When Elt makes his big American breakthrough at the Troubadour club in LA, the singer, band and the entire audience all levitate to ‘Crocodile Rock’ as someone’s star goes stratospheric in one short night and things will never quite be the same again along the ‘Yellow Brick Road’.

    Worst Bit – 1.39 mins; There is nothing that out of step here but ‘Bennie And The Jets’ as a live performance is the weakest link in a very strong chain… maybe because we don’t really like that song in Europe (A number 1 in the US though). ‘Border Song’ goes nowhere but not helped by coming after an incredible version of ‘I want Love’ and do we really need ‘Tiny Dancer’ again when there are so many other hits that could jump straight in (Although frustratingly it’s lyric fits the movie like a glove).

    Little Secret – Over the years in development James McAvoy, Daniel Ratcliffe and Tom Hardy were to play Elton, the singer himself was originally very keen on Justin Trousersnake until he met Taron Egerton. Besides there filming together in the Kingsman sequel Taron also did a lengthy version of ‘I’m Still standing’ in the hit cartoon animal film ‘Sing’ as a giant Gorilla! The film suggests that Elton Hercules John took his first name from a band mate and the last name from John Lennon, in fact, it was inspired by the other sixties singer Long John Baldry… He took the name Hercules from Steptoe And Son’s rag and bone cart horse.

    Further Viewing – Bohemian Rhapsody, A Star Is Born, The Greatest Showman, Mamma Mia’s 1 & 2, Moulin Rouge, Mary Poppins Returns (with a few more ‘fks’ here’), Les Mis, Walk the Line and all Elton’s movie appearances from Pinball Wizard in Tommy through to him co-starring with a certain sexy as fk suited and booted Taron Egerton in Kingsman: The Golden Circle.

    Any Good – Yes, if you are not an Elton fan (what’s wrong with you!) and YESSSS if you like the John Lewis ad botherer from Pinner like a true gay music aficionado. This is great fun and it flies by as you count the hits off and wait in anticipation for ‘Your Song’ the title track or ‘I’m Still Standing’. You will learn a lot about the great man and really enjoy his and Bernie’s company for two happy hours.

    There could even be a sequel in our view there are enough quality tunes that is for sure. In the meanwhile let’s have the soundtrack, the sing-a-long cinema and DVD version and most importantly the hit stage show as this is ready to go with or without Ben Elton’s interference. Of course we all have fave Elton John tracks that we would love to have seen included ours would be ‘Lucy in The Sky With Diamonds’, ‘Sacrifice’ and ‘Nikita’ but there are 25 hits to be going on with here including a brand new song over the end credits which is as good as anything he has done.

    A great night out at the movies with what feels like an old friend – kudos to all involved.

    FOUR STARS

     

    In Cinemas now

  • FILM REVIEW | Avengers Endgame

    FILM REVIEW | Avengers Endgame

    ★★★★★ | AVENGERS ENDGAME

    Marvel Studios’ AVENGERS: ENDGAME..L to R: Hawkeye/Clint Barton (Jeremy Renner), War Machine/James Rhodey (Don Cheadle), Iron Man/Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr.), Captain America/Steve Rogers (Chris Evans), Nebula (Karen Gillan), Rocket (voiced by Bradley Cooper), Ant-Man/Scott Lang (Paul Rudd) and Black Widow/Natasha Romanoff (Scarlett Johansson)..Photo: Film Frame..©Marvel Studios 2019

    Probably the most anticipated film of all time is now the most successful film in cinema history. The immediate sequel to Avengers Infinity War and the climax to the hugely successful decade of Marvel Comics 22 film marathon. After the shocking climax of the last movie with the Avengers losing big time, what next? Who lives and dies this time? And how do they send off the most beloved characters in film history?

    Answer with the best superhero film ever made that’s how!

    Nutshell – The ultimate superhero villain Thanos succeeded in gathering together all six infinity stones which have been spread across all of the decades’ superhero films and with a click of his fingers kills half of the universe including favourites such as Black Panther, Spiderman and almost all of The Guardians Of The Galaxy. How does the world, the universe and the remaining Avenger superheroes cope with the loss and go forward? All seems lost as this is set 5 years depressingly in the future but then…

    This film will make you laugh out loud, cheer, cry and give you loads to talk about through repeated viewings. Simply spine-tingling and incredible at a number of key moments. Believe the hype for once.

    Running Time – 181 Minutes – Cert 12A. A very very long movie but there are 10 years of loose ends and story arcs to tie up and they succeed with each one with pure class.

    The Gay UK Factor – Gay cosplay heaven. Chris’s Hemsworth, Pratt & Evans lead the wank bank possibilities here plus Black Panther, Hawkeye and a superb buff looking Bucky Barnes The Winter Soldier will all make your hole twitch. Chris Evans, unfortunately, shaves his beard off from Infinity ward which is a big shame but at least he does it shirtless. Another jerk-off negative is Chris Hemsworth’s Thor for reasons that become apparent when you see the film but there is a tonne of male flesh squeezing into tight latex for three very happy hours plus more than one reference to Captain America’s ass being the ‘ass of America’ to enjoy too… and it sure is.

    Cast – For the first time ever there are 25 names above the movie title. This is very very star heavy. Robert Downey Jnr has the top slot but with 16 other movie headliners of their own and an army of cameos including Robert Redford, Michael Douglas, William Hurt & Michelle Pfeiffer plus all the usual Marvel suspects you won’t be shortchanged in star power for your hard earned.

    Key Player – This is the new dictionary definition of the word ensemble so no point singling out anyone except Thor and Rocket racoon get all the best funny lines and Hawkeye the best action beats. The real key players are the directors here Joe and Anthony Russo who pull off whichever way you look at it – the fourth Avenger sequel or the 22nd Marvel Universe sequel and make it the best yet. Giving every member of the massive cast something worthwhile to do and tying up so many stories so satisfactorily. The other key player is the God at Marvel/Disney Kevin Feige who oversees all and is the one who decided to make so many different movies linked with each other over so many years and three chapters of the Marvel Universe which comes to a close here so onto Chapter Four in a couple of months with the next Tom Holland Spidey film.

    Budget – $400,000,000 plus – Yes, the most expensive film in history but after four days it had made $1.2 Billion dollars so this was no gamble. Bonus’s all round as it climbs the All-Time Box Office Charts with gusto leaping over Frozen, Fast & Furious and Toy Story by the hour. Marvel now move on to stage four of their universe so expect even bigger budgets and profits to come.

    Best Bit – 2 hr 12 mins; A big turning point in the movie which we will not spoil for you but you won’t miss it just ensure you are not holding any popcorn at the time.

    Worst Bit – 1 hr 49 mins; When you are now bursting for the toilet but there is so much going on you cannot decide when to make a run for it. By the way unusual for a Marvel film but there are no scenes in the credits at all so no need to sit through 10 minutes of CGI and stunt men’s names this time… go to the bar and start the lengthy discussion about what you have just seen instead.

    Little Secret – The film held previews on a Thursday night and two websites crashed and all seats in America were sold in SIX hours flat. Three Cinema chains decided for the first time ever to open right through the night and continue 24/7 to deal with demand.

    It made $60 Million at its previews breaking all records and next day it broke more than the biggest weekend box office ever and so it goes clearing $1 Billion dollars on the 4th day (which only 3 films have done in history). Demand was so high that two tickets in New Jersey were sold for $15,000 for an IMAX showing of the 15 buck movie. This review took a day to write and in that time Endgame made more than any non-Marvel release of 2018 did in its entire run.

    Further Viewing – Really? Well, you need to buff up on all 22 films in the Marvel Universe starting with Iron Man in 2008. Then move on to the DC Universe back through Nolan’s Dark Knights and onto Tim Burton’s Batman’s & Christopher Reeves first two Superman films. Add The Crow and Blade and then ignore all other superhero films like the plague especially anything with the words Fantastic and Four in them.

    Any Good – This is a masterpiece with one jaw-dropping air punching moment after another. Probably the biggest superstar cast ever assembled each with their own moment in the most expensive movie in history and a last hour that will not be beaten this year or possibly for many years.

    Bye, bye Avatar, so long Titanic, Au Revoir Star Wars, Pirates, Bond and Potter the world has a new all-time box office champ and we have no hesitation in giving it five huge stars to boot.

    You hoped it would be great but it is 10 times better than you ever expected. There was the movie world before Endgame and a completely different and better one after. Everything is wrapped up perfectly making an instant classic. Just incredible!

  • FILM REVIEW | Captain Marvel

    FILM REVIEW | Captain Marvel

    CAPTAIN MARVEL – Marvel studio’s biggest female hero makes her debut having to battle some shape-shifting aliens setting up the truly massive Avengers Endgame next month.

    Nutshell – Carol Danvers (Brie Larson) arrives on earth and needs to start piecing together her past to work out what aliens are running amok for and why she has become one of the most powerful superheroes in the universe. Set in the mid-nineties with a young looking Nick Fury & Agent Coulson this has a lot of fun playing prequel elements to the other 20 blockbuster superhero films in the Marvel cannon of the last decade.

    Running Time – 124 Minutes – Cert PG-12A.

    Tagline – ‘Higher, Further, Faster’ Or ‘Everything Starts With a Her(o)’

    THEGAYUK Factor – Possibly the least sexy superhero film ever with hardly any fit men anywhere not even amongst the usual bad guy’s Henchmen as they are all covered in monster latex make-up. Jude Law playing the Captain’s senior officer at the outset is your one hope but he is hardly a gay icon and far too clean cut…..the sort of prissy looking guy that would put on a condom before you gave him a blow job

    Cast – Brie Larson takes the lead here and she is great in the role. She is supported by Samuel L Jackson, Jude Law, Ben Mendelsohn, a welcome return for Annette Benning and this is the very last cameo appearance shot by the recently deceased Marvel God Stan Lee (Not the last to be released as we have two more of them shot for Avengers & Superman films made earlier).

    Key Player – There is a wonderful cat which Fury adopts called Goose which steals every scene and most of the movie. It has one or two surprises too, most of all with Marvel there is always scenes in the end credits and sit right to the end for Goose to have the all-important last word.

    Budget – $82 Million but it made back £153 Million in its first weekend which just shows the continued domination of superheroes at our multiplexes and the wisdom of Disney buying up Marvel a few years back – purely and simply these are pure 100% guaranteed cash cows.

    Best Bit – 0.28 mins; A great fight on and around an urban train with an accompanying car chase in a nineties action movie style is very thrilling. The fact that the enemy in a sneaky way keeps changing shape into different people makes it a very clever little scene.

    Worst Bit – 0.05 mins; The opening 10 minutes on two random planets is very confusing and simply rushed and is about as interesting as a bad episode of Star Trek or trying to get a hard-on with a fit guy after drinking a bottle of vodka. It gets into its groove when the characters eventually get to earth.

    Little Secret – Brie Larson is allergic to cats which she did not mention to the producers at the outset. Captain Marvel’s sidekick turns out to be a cat called Goose which then had to be played in Brie’s scenes by a puppet. Four real cats do all the other scenes in the movie. The first Marvel female superhero film was released on International Women’s Day and the soundtrack is almost entirely female orientated with the likes of Desree, TLC, No Doubt, Garbage and Salt N Pepa.

    Further Viewing – All previous twenty entries in the Marvel universe catalogue, Wonder Woman, The Justice League, All Batmans & Spidermans etc. Basically any movie where the hero is in tight latex or otherwise any of the hundreds of great gay superhero porno’s try Man.com pastiches or Eye Of The Cyclone.

    Any Good – A great lead performance backed by Mr reliable Samuel L. carries this nicely. Your life will not be diminished greatly if you don’t see it but if you do it is perfectly adequate entertainment (after the crap first 10 minutes). It is no Captain America or Deadpool unfortunately but also it is much better than say recent Superman films or… shudder…all Fantastic Four movies. Basically, in a word it is fine no more no less could benefit from some sexy studs though.

    Rating: 59/100

     

  • FILM REVIEW | Aquaman

    ★★★★☆ | Aquaman

    FILM REVIEW for Aquaman

    AQUAMAN – The DC Superhero universe continues the fight back against Marvel with this great musclebound outing. We have had spandex guys everywhere you can imagine from Africa to World war 2 and including outta space so it’s time now to go underwater.

    Nutshell – Land lubber Arthur Curry discovers he is in line to the throne of the underwater kingdom Atlantis. Unfortunately his sexy as fuck half-brother has other ideas, he feels responsible for his mother’s death and the Atlanteans are about to fight back with us surface developers for decades of undersea warfare and now our modern plague of plastic pollution. Cue all-out war and our favourite new hunk of beefcake is right in the middle of it.

    Running Time – 143 Minutes – Cert PG-13. Superhero movies just keep getting longer and longer but it works here.

    Tagline – ‘Home Is Calling’ & ‘He’s Not From Around Here’

    The Gay UK Factor – Jason Momoa is one of the hottest new gay fantasy men out there and here he is topless for the duration. This massive tall muscular stud is heavily tattooed, has sexy scars and great long straggly hair you just want to run your fingers through. He starred in his own Baywatch TV series before heading off to Westeros to be the none English speaking shirtless and bare arsed Dothraki King in Game Of Thrones inducing a huge increase in wanking sock abuse. His Aquaman movie introduction was as small parts in Batman Vs Superman and Justice League where he stole your eye away from a lot of other hot leads but it has all been heading to this his very own two-hour special.

    Cast – We are not sure there was anyone else here besides Momoa as we only had eyes for him but we think we spotted Dolph Lundgren, Willem Dafoe, Nicole Kidman, Amber Heard some guest star appearances as other kingdom monarchs and one of the most underrated sexy men currently acting Patrick Wilson who no gay man would kick out of bed.

    Key Player – James Wan the director keeps the action and key set pieces a coming and turns what could easily be a pile of fantastical dog poop with men riding sharks and seahorses into battle into something believable, current and most of all… fun.

    Budget – $160 Million but it seems to be money well spent as this will dominate the Christmas Box Office as everything else is kiddie blockbusters (Mary Poppins/The Grinch/Spiderman Cartoons) and helped by the major failure of the pretty rough Fantastic Beasts, JK Rowling’s first ever Waterloo and the postponement of the Bond.<

    Best Bit – 1.12 mins; We get a great spell out of the water to undertake a breathtaking downhill rooftop chase with one great stunt after another and serious fingernail chewing jeopardy.

    Worst Bit – 1.25 mins; A fight with a giant mythological creature seems a bit out of place here and more suited to any of a hundred forgettable sword and sandal Sunday afternoon Greek epics which all merge into one. Luckily the scene is short lived and it is soon back to the ocean for the big climax.

    Little Secret – James Wan is, of course, the king of horror making the Insidious/Annabelle/Saw/Conjuring etc movies but don’t worry as he has a different focus here basin this on Raiders Of The Lost Ark and Romancing The Stone but whatever made him decide to include a drum playing octopus no-one will ever know. With this film, the DC universe will cross the four billion dollar mark at the box office in the fastest time ever just six films so take that Messrs Bond, Potter, Tolkien, Sparrow, Vader and especially Marvel.

    Further Viewing – Wonder Woman, The Justice League, Various Spidermans and Batmans and everything from the DC movie universe or the enemy Marvel studio. 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea, Beyond Atlantis, The Meg, The Abyss, Sanctum, Lords Of The Deep but not Finding Nemo or The Little Mermaid.

    Any Good – This works and it so easily might not have. Very fast paced and extremely noisy but it all seems to be in support of the extensive plot. Wholly separate from every other superhero films so no cameos here as it lives entirely in its own domain. It looks great is thoroughly enjoyable and fully launches Jason Momoa to the top of the A-list heading straight at the slightly tarnished Dwayne Johnson crown who has had a very rough year indeed. The Worlds highest paid movie star in history suddenly needs to look over his shoulder for a tatted man with even more muscular and possibly a better actor to boot.

    70/100

  • FILM REVIEW | Bohemian Rhapsody

    ★★★★☆ | Bohemian Rhapsody

    The life and times of Freddie Mercury and his band queen from there humble West London beginnings to storming Live Aid the biggest show the world has ever seen.

    Nutshell – Freddie meets Roger Taylor and Brian May and together latterly with John they create some of the greatest rock music of all time. Their songs still stand the test of time today and include heavy metal, disco, 50’s rock n roll, opera and film themes along the way. The film also focuses on Freddie’s sexuality, his struggles with this and inner band dynamics plus hangers-on form the basis of this excellent rock biopic. Over twenty queen songs spanning the 70s/80s and 90s and then latterly comes the spectre of AIDS to bring the third act’s somber drama.

    Running Time – 134 Minutes – Cert 12A.

    Tagline – The only thing more extraordinary than their music is his story

    The Gay UK Factor – Freddie is about as big a gay icon as there has ever been and his incredible life story is nothing more than outstanding gay folklore. His love live and decadence is fully covered here in all its horny details but the reminder to a modern young audience about how devastating HIV and AIDS was in the pre prEP era of the 80’s and 90’s is the most important factor here. So many gay men gone but should never be forgotten, Freddie was just the brightest star to be extinguished at that time and this movie brings that right home.

    Cast – Rami Malek, Lucy Boynton, Aidan Gillen from Queer As Folk, Tom Hollander, A completely unrecognisable Mike Myers and keep your eyes peeled for Adam Lambert as a truck driver.

    Key Player – Rami Malek is the spit of Freddie, and after five minutes you forget he is an actor. Likewise, Gwilym Lee is a dead ringer for Brian May and this together (The less said about the Bob Geldof lookalike, the better) with the great musicianship helps the biopic feel as real as possible. Of course it is the Queen songbook which is possibly the best that exists besides Abba and the Beatles just when you think you have heard all the best songs there are another half a dozen memory joggers around the corner.

    Budget – $52 Million… opening weekend $50 Million USA alone, so that is a result then, They are still the Champions… of the world, mic drop.

    Best Bit – 0.57 mins; The biggest concert crowd ever at the time was the mega Queen concert in Rio and when the crowd take over one of the bands lesser known songs “Love Of My Life” you will be joining in too.

    Worst Bit – 0.12 mins; The formative Queen band ‘Smile’ (one of them was a dentist) and their songs here are average, to say the least – maybe it is necessary for the structure of the film but speeding through this may have made room for “One Vision”, “Somebody To Love” or “Flash”.

    Little Secret – Partway through filming, director Bryan Singer left the production and replaced by Dexter Fletcher. Singer the director of movies such as The Usual Suspects and X-men started turning up late, leaving early and then strangely disappearing for three whole days. Rami Malek, in particular, pushed for a change of directors. Twentieth century Fox the studio behind. The Wembley Stadium set for Live Aid was one of the biggest ever and was constructed from scratch as of course the Wembley twin towers have long since been demolished.

    Further Viewing – A Star Is Born, any of the Beatles, Elvis or Cliff films, Mamma Mia, Rock Of Ages, Spiceworld, What’s Love Got To Do With It, Can’t Stop The Music, Jersey Boys, Straight Outta Compton, The Pet Shop Boys Movie, Whitney, TGIF but most of all next years Taron Egerton Elton John Biopic Rocket Man which looks incredible.

    Any Good – Go for the music alone it is the very best. This is well put together and the live performances especially the mock-up of Live Aid with four songs alone here is sensational. A very enjoyable, exciting, thought-provoking, tuneful entertainment with a sad twist in the tail.

    73/100

  • FILM REVIEW | A Star Is Born

    ★★★★☆ | A Star Is Born

    The 4th version of this movie is all very up to date but how does Lady Gaga shape up in the ultimate diva battle against her predecessor’s madams Streisand and Garland?

    Nutshell – A well-trodden story of a male superstar whose career is on the skids who falls for a nobody whose star then goes stratospheric. 1937/1954 and then 1976 this exact story has been filmed all very successfully with the first two focusing on movie stars and the last one moving it to the music industry so as Barbra Streisand can belt out her top three hit ‘Evergreen’. The success of the 2018 film depends on the talent on show namely Bradley Cooper… fucking hot as hell and Gaga who is the current queen of our gay stratosphere plus the quality of the songs. With ‘Shallow’ now atop the singles chart and the album alongside it, we very definitely have all three massive ticks in the movies credit column. Yep, this is good stuff indeed.

    Running Time – 136 Minutes – Cert 15. This is a long drawn out affair maybe some of the middle songs could have been ditched.

    The Gay UK Factor – Lady Gaga‘s first full length starring roll including over a dozen new great anthems what could be queerer than that? Well just to make sure that plenty of pink pounds get handed over the cinema counter we get hunky Bradley Cooper topless too for many of the scenes – maybe the first movie ever where you will wank and lip sync at the same time.

    Cast – Bradley Cooper, Lady Gaga, Sam Elliott, Andrew Dice Clay, David Chappelle and far too briefly, Alec Baldwin.

    Key Player – Although this is Bradley’s directing debut and he co-wrote it and starred in it as well as singing adequately many of the songs the movie always comes to life most when her ladyship is on the screen. This is a one-woman show. She is completely stunning and steals every single scene she is in and others sag without her regal presence. Never has a movie been so aptly titled… maybe a Megastar is born here certainly a new triple threat at least.

    Budget – $60 Million and its already made twice that back in just America alone – a bonafide hit plus CD sales, massive DVD sales, merchandise and with touring conglomerate Live Nation finance here this probably even a tour and stage show. This will run and run.

    Best Bit – 0.44 mins; The first time Bradley forces Gaga onto a stage in front of her first big audience is a real showstopper and it’s the fantastic big new number one hit ‘Shallow’ she sings and sings fucking well.

    Worst Bit – 1.25 mins; When Gaga makes it big and starts performing her own music we get a disappointing run of three sub-Ariana Grande type rejected album tracks when the film is crying out for another ‘Poker Face’ or ‘Bad Romance’. This section of the movie is as about as limp and as unfortunate as your cock after 10 pints when Tom Daley out of the blue offers you a booty call.

    Little Secret – Bradley Cooper sang and recorded some scenes live from the Pyramid stage at Glastonbury in 2017 immediately before he introduced the booked act Kris Kristofferson who was the male lead of the 1976 A Star Is Born opposite Streisand. This reboot was planned by Clint Eastwood in 2011 starring Beyonce until she became pregnant then it was Rihanna, Shakira & Selena Gomez; male leads were those well-known singing talents Christian Bale, Leonardo DiCaprio & Tom Cruise. Not only does Bradley write, direct and star in the film but one of his kids appears and the dog is his own hound, Charlie.

    Further Viewing – A Star Is Born 1-3, and musicals like Mamma Mia Here We Go Again, The Greatest Showman, La La Land, Bohemian Rhapsody etc plus Moulin Rouge, My Fair Lady, The Bodyguard, Strictly Ballroom and every romantic musical back to The Golddiggers Of 1933 belting out the ‘Lullaby Of Broadway’.

    Any Good – A stunning directorial debut by Cooper and a film that will make Gaga into a movie legend… it could have been written for her if it wasn’t 81 years old. This just works from start to finish and the 98% new songs (Only ‘La Vie En Rose’ you will recognise) are mainly memorable and downloadable. Well acted, beautifully shot and with an earth-shattering finale and climatic number. Gaga may have just missed out on the Oscar for best song two years ago but she is now the bookies favourite for Feb 2019. This is a great original musical applied to one of the oldest and oft-repeated stories in cinema. Never mind ‘Born This Way’ it appears she was Born to act.

    Rating- 77/100

  • FILM REVIEW | The Meg

    ★★★★☆ | The Meg

    Courtesy of Warner Bros. Pictures

    THE MEG – Sex God Jason Statham takes on the biggest nastiest shark in cinema history in the ultimate muscular monster movie showdown an instant camp & cult classic & he’s never looked hotter.

    Nutshell – Firstly this is a thriller, not a horror and the ultimate progression of The Stath’s career-long mano et mano film genre he has made all his own. A deep sea mission unwittingly releases the biggest beast known to man but a very big fish indeed. Can our hero stop the modern day Jaws from killing his crew and then hitting the nearby popular South East Asian beach?  It’s a non-stop, well thought out water bound action with serious bite, you will feel tense throughout but not scared.

    Running Time – 113 Minutes – Cert 12A. That family-friendly certificate obviously takes a lot of blood and the gore out of the movie – this is not the new Jaws nor sets out to be.

    Tagline – ‘Before Chasing Sea Monsters, Check Your Place On The Food Chain’

    The Gay UK Factor – This is the one we have been waiting for all Summer, Jason Statham topless for two hours in swimming trunks or even less. Slipping on the tightest wetsuit ever seems to show every bulge and muscle ripple he has.  The original 1950’s Kinsey report & test of whether you were gay or not is now officially replaced by this movie. Is there a big shark in it? As we didn’t notice.

    Cast – Jason Statham and no-one else you have ever heard of (Unless you watch endless Resident Evils) but frankly that is all you need, the others are just fish food, except the little dog as we loved him but oh dear he has fallen in the water too so now what will happen?

    Key Player – This is a one-man show. The movie wouldn’t have been greenlit, made and got past its first studio meeting without the hunky star’s signature. The UK’s biggest movie star probably of the last decade just gets action movies made around him like no other actor and they always hit at the box office – Our island should be very proud of the guy who now has a record-breaking six movie franchises to his name. Tom Cruise has one.

    Budget – $130 Million and in one week it has made double that back in profit totally pissing all over the other one man band Summer blockbuster Dwayne Johnson’s Skyscraper. This is the last big hit of the summer and fans are fucking lapping it up big time… but may not want to go back in the water for a bit!

    Best Bit – 0.47 mins; The Stath has to get a GPS tracker attached to the giant killer fish which means he has to swim real close to it. Cue the best heart-stopping scene of the film before the crazy good mad as a box of frogs climax.

    Worst Bit – 0.05 mins; The opening prologue sets the scene some months before the main action and it’s OK but is nothing special. Film reviewers often use the term ‘Roller Coaster Ride’ and it has never fitted better here. Once you get over the initial warm up its non-stop excitement until you breathlessly hit the credits. One more rider please and Scream if you want to go faster!

    Little Secret – Spot the Jaws music used here in the underwater cage scene plus numerous references to all four Jaws films & The Abyss. This was originally meant for George Clooney then when it was offered to director Eli Roth (Hostel and Inglorious Bastards etc) who wanted to cast himself as the hero but as an actor, his biggest role was as Frowny The Clown in a horror film so a star with more box office whoomph was sought.

    Further Viewing – Jaws 1-4, Piranha, The Deep, Open Water, Croc, Lake Placid, Orca, Deep Blue Sea and The Stath’s greatest hits Transporter, Crank. The Expendables, Fast & Furious 8, Spy, The Italian Job, The Pink Panther & of course Lock, Stock & Two Smoking Barrels.

    Any Good – You don’t need a review to know whether this is for you or not. If you like the actor or this type of monster film then this is a really great one. If you want some fun escapism then you will be very happy but if you thought I, Daniel Blake was the greatest movie of all time or worship at the feet of Dame Maggie Smith then move along.

    Rating – 70/100

  • FILM REVIEW | Mamma Mia: Here We Go Again

    MAMMA MIA: HERE WE GO AGAIN – The sequel and a much more accomplished movie to the 11th most successful film of all time. Everyone is back bringing you over 20 Abba songs and a much better story with added Cher class.

    Nutshell – A movie released exactly 10 years after the first film tells us what the characters are doing also a decade on with parallel flashbacks to the origin story of Meryl Streep’s Donna character in the 80s from the first time around. So we get mother and daughter’s stories filled out and then grandmother Cher rolls in but its all about the tunes and we get some huge production numbers right from the outset with a vastly increased budget and Richard Curtis added to the writing team.
    Running Time – 114 Minutes – Cert PG.
    Tagline – ‘Thankyou For The Music Again’
    The Gay UK Factor – Well we only have a couple of lines but this is as gay as Lady Gaga doing a Madonna medley at an Elton John used buttplug auction. It was the gays that took over Abba’s back catalogue about 8 years after they disbanded leading to the stage musical. We have kept them close to our glitter covered hearts since whilst Cher became queen of the gays straight after she climbed on board a battleship with 500 sailors in just her knickers belting out ‘If I Could Turn Back Time’ with a 40-foot cannon between her legs. It helps that two of the young leads in this movie are hotter than Tom Daley’s popper collection also.
    Cast – Amanda Seyfried, Lily James, Meryl Streep, Cher, Dominic Cooper, Pierce Brosnan, Julie Walters, Andy Garcia, Colin Firth plus Benny & Bjorn from the greatest pop act of all time.
    Key Player – This is a love affair to Abba and with the same production team as before much credit also needs to go to the brains behind it all Julie Kramer, Phyllida Lloyd and Richard Curtis. That said there is no question that the breakout performance here is that of Lily James (Baby Driver, The Darkest Hour, Cinderella) playing the young Meryl character she is a great actor and lights up the screen and boy can that girl sing.
    Budget – $70 Million already made double that so, on to week two and the obvious second stage play.
    Best Bit – 1.12 mins; With a great life-affirming opening number ‘When I Kissed The Teacher’ and two great bits at the end one which will make you weep and the other that will make you sing at the top of your voice there is plenty of high points here. Yet when the opening blast of ‘Dancing Queen’ hits at a real key moment you will be flying as high as a bird on the wing. Pure joy in a bottle.
    Worst Bit – 0.18 mins; With any musical, you are going to get a couple of numbers which don’t work even the great Les Mis has that high pitched kiddie song. Here we get a rough as a dog’s ass version of ‘Kisses Of Fire’ but even that surpasses ‘Waterloo’ sung badly in a Napoleonthemedd restaurant sung by TV’s Hugh Skinner (ITV’s The Windsors & BBC’s W1A) and he makes Brosnan sound like Pavarotti on a good day here.
    Little Secret – How popular are musicals at the moment? The Greatest Showman soundtrack just had the longest run at number one of 27 weeks for 51 years since Julie Andrews was spinning around on an Austrian hilltop. Now it’s been knocked off the chart summit by this juggernaut. Through Chicago, Frozen, Les Mis, Beauty & The Beast, La La Land etc. we cannot get enough of musicals and there are many more in the pipeline.
    Further Viewing – Mamma Mia 1, Mermaids, Chicago, Phantom Of the Opera, Grease, Into The Woods, Evita, Dreamgirls, Summer Holiday, Blue Hawaii and the original beach musical classic South Pacific.
    Any Good – If you are a fan you will lap this up if not, then go see the boy’s own Mission Impossible or Dwayne Johnson films instead. This is really great, it is better than the original, partly due to the fact that it can break even further away from its stage origins and also because it can pick lesser known songs which fit better rather than having to be a greatest hits and forcing them into a story whether they like it or not and yes ‘Money, Money, Money’ & ‘Chiquitita’ we are looking at you. This just works, will make you feel joyous for a day or two after you have seen it and many times more when you buy the CD and DVD by the millions.
    This should have been a car crash in all honesty but it is full on Formula 1 massive success.
    88/100

  • FILM REVIEW | Skyscraper

    ★★★☆☆

    | SKYSCRAPER

    The world’s highest paid movie actor in history Dwayne Johnson in a Diehard type update in the world highest building makes sense right? Twice the height of the Burj Khalifa in Dubai to make Tom Cruise’s Mission Impossible building clinging exploits look like that of a pussy, nothing is small here.

    Nutshell – The big man is doing an insurance appraisal on ‘The Pearl’ a new mega-structure which is about to open. Cue a terrorist-induced fire halfway up the skyscraper, The Rock’s family trapped and in ever increasing jeopardy and a heist plot means the muscle mountain has to rip his shirt off and attempt one death-defying stunt after another to save the day or die trying.

    Running Time – 104 Minutes – Cert 12A and thereby we have the film’s biggest problem it is just too short and rushed – many kid’s cartoons are longer than this.

    Tagline – ‘Don’t Look Down’ & ‘The Sky Is The Limit’ – yes not a lot of thought has gone into this one.

    TheGayUK Factor – Dwayne is his usual hot as fuck self and then halfway through he gets a minor injury and the shirt comes off and the muscles and extensive tattoos come out and screw us, it is hot. The 6’4″ superstud has never looked better all those skinless chicken suppers and gym sweat is paying off but then it is back to the plot and the sweat just keeps coming at ya.

    Cast – Dwayne Johnson, Neve Campbell in her best role since her Scream franchise ended, Noah Taylor and Orange is the New Black’s ‘porntache man’ Pablo Schreiber.

    Key Player – Let’s not kid anyone this movie would not exist, be financed, reviewed, watched and enjoyed if it was not for Dwayne’s presence and him saying “yes” to it. The man could get a full-length movie about Theresa May’s sex life, a comedy starring Andy Murray, a gay version of Beaches or an epic entitled Brexit The Movie greenlit. He has single-handedly rescued four massive franchises with The Mummy, Fast & Furious, Journey 2 & GI Joe this is unlikely to be the next.

    Budget – $125 Million but will probably only make a minor profit which is disappointing following Johnson’s huge scoring 2017 with Fast & Furious 8, Moana and Jumanji but maybe forget Baywatch and this year’s earlier giant monkey movie Rampage. At least you have to give him the hardest working man in Hollywood title.

    Best Bit – 0.46 mins; Where the Mrs’ and kids are in the proverbial shit as a bridge across the park halfway up the tower collapses. It is a very well done tense scene we just need a lot more of this kind of peril across the other 90 minutes.

    Worst Bit – 0.21 mins; The villain here is just not evil enough and seems just off the shelf. His motive even less engaging and he also doesn’t have a decent sidekick with some super fighting skills or personal defect, so we get knock-off average goons we don’t care about.

    Little Secret – One of the lead collaborators on the movie is the Architect Adrian Smith who worked on the current tallest building the Burj Khalifa and is now working on the one to surpass it, the Jeddah Tower in Saudi Arabia. The fictional tower in the movie was moved to Hong Kong to take advantage of the now massive South-East Asian film market who love Dwayne’s movies. Dwayne Johnson was a hugely successful football star before a back injury made him switch to wrestling. He went back to wrestling after the Mummy Returns and Scorpion King movies as he thought he would not be a success as an actor. He is now the highest paid one of all time.

    Further Viewing – Diehard’s 1-4 which this movie would simply love to be & isn’t, Towering Inferno, San Andreas, Central Intelligence, Mission Impossible Ghost Protocol, Gremlins 2, Entrapment or any Airport, Earthquake, Poseidon disaster flick of the 70’s.

    Any Good – This is a classic high single concept movie. The action is non stop but Dwayne does not get much of a chance to raise an eyebrow, crack a joke or do all the things we love from the guy. He is always engaging and tries hard but has little support and everything is so rushed resulting in the short running time. If there was only room for many of the scenes to breath and create more tension this would be so much better and raise it above standard 3-star territory which it could so easily have been. It is perfectly serviceable until Dwayne brings us Suicide Squad 2, San Andreas 2, Jumanji 3, Big Trouble In Little China and of course his much anticipated Fast & Furious spin-off with another of our great gay jerk off fantasies Jason Statham. The ultimate cockfight is coming in 2019.

    Rating: 49/100