Not getting the responses you want from your dating profile perhaps there’s something you’re doing wrong.We asked our readers what where the most common mistakes they found on guy’s profiles on dating sites and hook up apps.
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1) Too Much, Too Soon.
Nothing says, “I’m serious about dating and maybe actually finding love online” than a picture of you, a sling and four of your most intimate friends using a power tool you could dig up pavements with. A bit of showmanship never hurt anyone, but laying it all out like it’s on a butcher’s block doesn’t scream “I’m all about the exclusivity” does it?
2) No Fats, Femmes Or Rice.
I mean just who do you think you are? Say what you like in a man, not what you don’t. Start the conversation positive rather than flood your online space with negativity. Plus don’t be a racist, fatist, internalised homophobic douche.
3) The Game Stops Here.
Don’t play endless games, it’s no longer the 90s. Throw away the dating self-help books that tell you, a) not to call after 6pm, b) not to accept dates the day before, and c) to only ever show him the bedroom after the wedding day. Not only is it a massive waste of your time but let’s be honest it’s time when you could actually be jumping each other’s bones. Playing games is manipulative and no one is looking for a nasty lover, unless of course you’re Janet Jackson.
4) Be Yourself.
Honesty is the best policy. Shane Greene from dating site AllMale says, “Do not try to be something you’re not, just be yourself. The possibility of finding a match online leads some men to detach from what makes them who they are offline. Many men new to online dating “beef up” their profiles with details that aren’t true hoping to somehow be better than they already are naturally.”
This may seem like a cool idea but these men quickly realise they will be attracting men who are interested in their online persona and not who they really are. You want someone who is interested in what you actually are. That requires you to be honest and accurate about yourself from the very start.”
5) I just can’t deal…
No one likes a killjoy – stop complaining that you can’t find at date / don’t earn enough / what a douche your ex is / even your cat hates you. A dating profile is an advert. It’s about selling yourself as someone who is a stable, coherent, fun-to-be- around, loveable guy. Be smart, funny and tell us the good things about you.
6) Spellcheck.
Dear god, does a little spell check hort? If you can’t get the little details right what on earth are you going to be like at the other stuff?
7) Are we dating you or her?
We don’t care if you and your bessie had a crazy night in Blackpool. Take a picture with just you. After all we’re not going on a date with her as well – and if we are, we might need to revaluate this whole thing.
8) Torso To Be Or Torso Not To Be.
If you can’t show your face but you can show your torso/cock/butt then we have to consider your priorities. If you’re looking for love then show your face, your eyes and your smile.
9) Hi-di-Hi!
Come on, be original. First words count so don’t waste them with a “hi” or “hey”. Try adding some vocab, you know, like words. Not sure what to write? Try something like, “hi, nice profile pic – where was it taken?” Or, “Hey, I like your T shirt, where did you get it from?” – get the conversation flowing with open questions, those questions that lead to a conversation, questions that can’t be answered with a “yes” or a simple “no”.
10 )Don’t Fall In Love After Two Days Of Messages.
We’ve all done it, fallen hard for someone we’ve only just met 2 days ago online but have both shared a sunset, sunrise and Lorraine on ITV. Spending hours on hours getting to know someone online is okay, but the magic happens in the real world. As Cher said, it’ll be in his kiss – not his keyboard.
11) Top To Bottom.
Spell it out; you’ve got to make sure you’re compatible with your sexual preferences. If you’re a top – say so, if you’re a power bottom 2.0 then say so. Nothing worse than spending lots of time chatting to someone only to find that you both point north – of course, if you’re both not into penetration then this is cool – but the likelihood is that sex and sexual roles will play a massive part in any future relationship.
12) Don’t Over Share.
Be careful what info you put on your dating profiles and what you tell people before you really get to know them. Personal data, such as home address, bank sort codes and your mother’s maiden name aren’t things you should be sharing with anyone. An online date is just like your bank, they should never ask for your password.
So I’m out in a gay club, dancing the night away in my best new loafers. I’ve a wine in my right hand but no man in my left. Someone get the violins out. It’s Saturday night and the only love in my life is Sauvignon Blanc from the Marlborough estate. But as if Paul Daniel’s just waved his magic wand, a potential date is suddenly upon me like a fly on sh*t.
The music is loud and as my friends will inform you, my hearing is not the best. Many a time I have the television on so loud, the neighbours from two doors down bang away on my front door. Anyway, I struggle to hear this potential beau’s name but my inhibitions have been lost in a bottle of Blossom Hill. So I go straight in for a kiss.
And in the profound words of Cher, it really is in his kiss. Instantly I feel a connection and I swoon. Maybe my long line of frog kissing is finally over, I excitedly decide. From this moment on, we spend the entire evening locked lipped and it reiterates my feelings that no more amphibians may cross my luscious lips.
The end of the evening draws near and I sense mini me getting a little aroused. He thinks he’s going to be getting some action from this nameless man. My future beau walks to his taxi and I presumptuously attempt to join him inside the taxi. But to mine and minime’s dismay, he puts his hand up to signal no entry. Instead he slips me his phone number on a piece of paper. Not what I’d hoped he’d be slipping me tonight.
I wake up with a start and quickly roll over, anticipating a Sunday morning session. My hopes are instantly dashed when my memory kicks in and I remember I ended up in bed alone. I pick my phone up, hazy eyed. I have a text from an unknown number. It’s from a bloke called Simon. Oh my god, so that was his name! The stark realisation hits me that my last attempt at romance was with that tosser from Mulberry. Also called Simon. Not a good omen but I remind myself of my religious upbringing and I promise not to judge a man by his name.
We arrange a date for the following and he suggests a restaurant in Uxbridge, close to where he lives. Judgmental Mark kicks in and I decide he doesn’t have a lot going for him. One, his name is Simon and two, he lives in Uxbridge. But the memory of my Christian upbringing kicks in again, I will not sit in judgment.
The following evening arrives and I find myself with sweaty palms and shallow breathing to deal with. I don’t know what I’m more nervous about, being in Uxbridge town centre or going on a date. And then something hits me like a wet cod around my boat race. I haven’t a clue what Simon looks like as I was so intoxicated, that part of my memory seems to have been erased by Sauvignon.
Fingers crossed he’s not a dog. I walk in and I see a figure stand and wave. I’m no intellectual giant but I conclude this must be him. Not bad on the eye. I wouldn’t kick him out of bed.
The conversation flows between us but unfortunately for my date, so is the Sauvignon blanc. As each glass glides down, my voice raises a decibel. We laugh, we talk, we eat. I really think it’s gone well. This is my future prince. Frogs are a distant memory. Boy, am I delusional. As I ask, “when shall we see each other next?”, he replies deadpan, “once was enough!”
Open mouthed, I get deserted by him at the table. Note to self, avoid Simons.
Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.
Recently the opportunity came up to review gay dating apps. Now being a single pringle ready to mingle I thought to myself, why not? I need to get my lazy butt back out there and this seemed like my kind of thing and I do enjoy a good app (who doesn’t??).
Well I can safely say I’ve been on a little journey boys and girls and let me tell you it’s a maze of nonsense out there.
Ranging from the apps that Cupid would be proud of to the apps that try and fail miserably there are literally countless numbers of apps out there for you to chose from. I’ve gone with a small selection of the ones most people appear to have heard of (or that came recommended to me).
Let’s begin with the usual suspects. Number 1, good old Grindr…
Grindr Xtra
Now if you haven’t heard of Grindr then where have you been for the last five years or so? Love it or hate it the fact is that most (emphasis on most, but not all) gay men have been on it at some point over the last six or seven years. I gave it up for two years when I was with my boyfriend and didn’t miss it but now that I’m single again it does become a little habit. Good or bad, I’ll let you decide.
Grindr sells itself as “the best gay dating app” and yes as far as technology goes it is the simpler of the apps out there. It simply shows 1 profile picture for you, shows you people around you and lets you input basic information about who you are and what you are looking for. I currently pay for Grindr “xtra” (because I’m sad like that) and it basically gets you unlimited blocking capability and a much larger list of guys to view. I’m undecided if it’s worth paying the extra few pounds for. It could be to remove the ridiculous amount of adverts that are on the free version.
Now because it is location based it’s also very handy for those that want “a quick hook up” and nothing more. Hence there are a lot of guys on there that are after one thing and one thing only. On the ‘looking for love’ scale, if you go onto it with low expectations when it does happen (and I know that it has) then it’s a pleasant surprise. Otherwise, I’d recommend it for visiting new areas and seeing who is about or for those days when a booty call is really all you want (and don’t deny that you have those days, because we all know that you do!).
POF
For months I have resisted the urge to join Plenty of Fish because, rightly or wrongly, I saw this type of site as the last chance saloon of singledom. And I don’t think I’m quite there yet… (Famous last words). Now I fully accept that was being prejudiced having that view and I took the plunge some months ago and signed myself up with an account. I’m all about challenging perceptions and all that so why not start with my own? I have to say that I was surprised a little with what you are given. Yes, it’s the same faces on here as there is on Grindr but actually, this is geared up more to those just looking about to see who wants to connect.
Yes, you do get the people that start off all sweet and lovely and then declare that they are horny and “can our date be moved forward to right now”, but actually that’s just men. We can’t really blame an app for what an arse your average man can be.
But actually, if you’re looking for something different then POF could be for you. Unfortunately, the app does load other users that are near you so if you happen to check it while travelling about you may have to disappoint some people that message you thinking you are local when in fact you are just travelling through.
If you are concerned like I was that being on there is “sad” or not something to admit in public then I would challenge you do try it out. You might be surprised at what you see. Again, the app is only as good as what you put into it. Put rubbish in, get rubbish out.
Tinder
Like POF tinder a simpler app designed to “match” people based on their personalities and likes/dislikes. Tinder asks you to complete a survey and provide as much information about you as possible so that it can create a list of possible matches for you and ask you to “like” or “not quite right” profiles that it presents to you.
The traditional features are all there including location-based searches but like POF there are very little opportunities to declare your sexual preferences or put on your profile that you’re horny. Like POF they are still on there but this app is geared up to be very “blind date” matchmaking.
It sounds cheesy but it really isn’t. I’d recommend checking it out as it’s fairly modern in design, appears to be stable and like POF if you put some real effort in you may be surprised with what you get out.
Jack’d
Jack’d is a really odd app as it is very simple to use, a little more functionality that Grindr does (more pictures for example and a “matching” service) but it’s also very basic, very clunky in places and has a habit of presenting you to a lot (and I do mean a lot) of US-based guys. I’d say out of all of the profiles that messaged me during my time on here a good 50% were “non-UK” based. Which is great if you’re looking for a long distance to marry and move to the states with. But for us lowly average gays it doesn’t really do much for your chances.
It also seemed to struggle with logging in quite a lot (more than Grindr anyway which is saying something). Can you see Willam Belli or another drag queen making a song with a reference to Jack’d? No me neither!
As far as “hook up” usefulness, yes like Grindr it is location based so can show the guys around you it doesn’t really sell itself as a hookup friendly app. You will find the same guys on it mind you. Except on this one its long walks and snuggles and on Grindr its long dicks and group sessions. That’s a massive generalisation but you get the point.
Wapo
“Wapo” (what used to be called Bender before someone cottoned on that it really is a stupidly unwise name) apparently is Spanish for ‘handsome man’. Far be it for me to quote trade descriptions at them as I oversell myself but seriously?
In recent years it’s undergone a major overhaul so that now it’s not bad looking. It gives you more functionality than Grindr (ability to view your profile views for example without having to pay for it) but it is slightly temperamental. Not only in my experience but some of the reviews on the app store also give it a scathing report that it is unstable and not very user friendly. On the upside it does let me detail my height in feet and inches (it’s the small things. Oh and I’m 6 foot 3).
Again, most of the people you’ll find on Grindr or Jack’d you’ll find on Wapo but it does seem to be more of a mixed bag. Worth a look and see what you think. I do however think the name is lame.
Hornet
Now hornet seems to be a mix of all the others. It has a very simple setup like Grindr with some added features liked Jack’d (public and private photos, view tracks, add favourites etc) but isn’t quite as ‘tidy’ or as finely tuned as Grindr. The Hornet app is also geared up for those looking for something more as not once does it ask you your “role” or if you are listed as looking for “hook-ups”.
What I also like about Hornet is that it asks you if you know your HIV status and when you were last checked. You can choose not to provide that information as it’s not mandatory but alongside asking you it also encourages you to find out and get checked. As a promoter of good sexual health, this is a big tick in the box for me. An app that seems to actually care…
Booty call usefulness again depends on your profile. Like the others it is location based so if you are anywhere near another user then you’ll show up and who knows what could happen. It doesn’t appear to offer any sort of “matching” service nor does it offer chances to detail your sexual preferences so in the battle between “sex app” vs “dating app” Horney remains decidedly neutral.
Gaydar
For those guys, that like me had a gaydar profile back in the days when it was just a dating website I couldn’t not mention the app they now have. Given all the changes Gaydar has been through lately the app isn’t bad overall. It is reasonably well designed, clear and easy to understand. It follows the same sort of layout as the website profiles and gives you pretty much all the same information as the full website.
As Gaydar is the longest serving gay dating website that I’m aware of, its ‘looking for love’ factor is quite high. The days of sitting on Gaydar just for the chat rooms are long gone. Having a look around online and talking to other people I get the impression that everyone has a profile on there, but not many people actually use it or update it.
This means that Gaydar does have a chance of helping you find love, little to no chance of finding a hook-up and providing you’re in no hurry to find anyone or get a reply to your messages then this is the app for you.
(After this little exercise I decided to completely delete my profile on there… No real reason other than I very rarely got anything from it and I decided it was the end of an era).
Fitlads
Now I’ve always liked the Fitlads main website. Yes, it is basic but functionality wise it offers a lot and some of the guys on there are a laugh. I’ve had many a good night on Fitlads and made a few online friends from it.
But having said that I wouldn’t recommend the app. It’s very basic, not very stable and makes you want to log on to the website to see what it’s trying to present to you. You can search for members, use your location to find other people, message and post on the forums but is pretty much it. Whereas the mobile web page lets you do much more. I mainly use the mobile web page now, to be honest. I may also be the person that subscribes monthly to get access to the porn videos. Far better than storing them on my laptop. ;o) I’d recommend checking out the website www.fitlads.net as it’s a pretty good, albeit basic, site for meeting guys, getting dates and various other things. I think I bought my first sex toy from the Fitlads shop. For that reason, well that reason and others, it will always have a little soft spot in my heart.
If I was to tell you that I was ever so slightly hairy and fell into the category of “otter” would you be surprised? No? Didn’t think so! Well for those that also love the male form with a little bit of hair (or not) then Scruff is the app for you. It’s got all of the functionality of Grindr and Jack’d and is a little more stable and easy to navigate. It’s a little more complex than Grindr as you can have private “albums” and search internationally for people but essentially it is simple to use. Having been on Scruff during my single years I’ve found it to be very handy for meeting guys that not only like the hairier male form but also some real guys that are looking for something more. I’ve got a couple of dates out of Scruff and while they haven’t developed into a relationship (because not everyone has to fall in love with the first guy they meet) I’ve actually made some good friends from it. And yes I have also had some good times from it. As it is location-based and allows for private album sharing it is very “hook up” friendly. But like all the others, it is an app where what you put in is what you get back out again. If you’re after the more masculine man then Scruff is for you. If not, then I’d stick with Grindr.
Recon.
Now I thought I’d throw this one into the mix purely because of my last article about kink in the media. If you are looking for love on here then you will be hard-pressed to find it but that isn’t to say that you can’t. I know a fair few people that have met their partners in a roundabout way through Recon. So don’t automatically dismiss the idea.
Now that being said, Recon is very much aimed at those with a kinkier side to their personality. From the hardcore through to the milder tame stuff. The app, just like the website, is very geared up at the sexual aspect detailing what you are into, what your body is like and what you can be contacted for. The app allows messages, searching based on your current location, editing your profile and searching for Recon events in your area.
We asked our lovely readers whether they thought it was better to meet potential partners online or in real life situations.
CREDIT: bigstock-kalim
Here’s what a select few said:
Daniel Taylor
I met my bf on grindr and still together 2 yrs later
James Gerrie
Met mine online, chatted for 3 months then met in real life. 6 months later moved 450 miles from my home to the city to where I am now and that was over 3-years-ago but realise this isn’t for everyone
Just Jezz Greatrix
Never meet strangers
Josh DjentlemanSmith
You mean people actually date off grindr and gaydar? When did this happen?
Rob Hand
Don’t suppose it matters really where you meet, it’s all down to the person you meet and connect with, most on dating apps are after one thing but same could be said for those you meet in real life! All generally down to the type of person they are
Our colleagues over at NewNowNext recently reignited the 90’s East Coast/West Coast rivalry, fought not over hip hop but homos. While I have nothing but love for American gays (I am one, after all), let’s be real: we all know that British gay men are the best gay men. Here’s just ten reasons why: (more…)
So, here I am. In Soho, waiting at a fondue restaurant. My date is called Simon. He is a buyer for Mulberry. Mmm, now I’m no shallow man but this instantly excites me. He must have a rather decently sized….bank account! Not that finances is an instant winner for me. But it does help. I can’t have anyone wanting to feed from my bank account.
As he enters, I find he is rather pleasing on the eye. A bonus point in his favour. I know people say that looks aren’t everything but I really couldn’t imagine sh*gging someone who looks like the back end of the N7. All red and fumes squirting from every orifice. That is definitely no turn on for moi.
We spark instantly. He talks of mulberry handbags. I have a rather sparse knowledge of mulberry handbags. My friend is a manager for one of their stores at Heathrow. She hardly talks about the brand but I know enough to engage in the conversation. This reminds me of a funny moment we once shared in Mexico. She was talking about handbags but mishearing, she thought we were taking the p*ss out of her. My manager friend turned her head and said, “I know my f***ing materials!”
My mouth, open wide, dropping to my sun lounger, said “what?” Realising we weren’t taking the piss, she continued her conversation. To this day, I have no recollection of why she thought we were being detrimental to her career.
After realising that he failed to find this conversation amusing, I thought I should leave the restaurant. But my mother always taught me, “if you start something, you must see it through.” I could hear her London accent echo through my ears. She was my inspiration to carry on.
We shared a cheese fondue. It was all sticky and gooey. We were dipping bread sticks in like it was a euphemism for what was to come later. And at this point, I really did think the euphemism would come to fruition. We finished our main and we had had a few belly laughs. Belly laughs? Surely that means a second date is on the cards. We ordered a desert. If you stay for dessert, you are bound to be invited for coffee. And one hopes the coffee ain’t going to be at the restaurant table.
Desert of chocolate fondue with marshmallows finished, I suggest we frequent G-A-Y late for a cocktail and a dance. Praying it’s not a cliche, he accepts. As we enter the bar, he goes up and orders me a sex on the beach. Yes, I admit, that is my cocktail of choice. Yes, I admit, I am a slut and hope this engages my date’s brain to adopt this thought process. Unlucky for me, it fails and he doesn’t decide to whisk me off to Brighton beach for a quickie.
As I get over the fact he isn’t going to whisk me off to the beach, I remember that I have purchased brand new UGG boots! Excited to show off my new purchase, I cock my leg up. Well, the bastard doesn’t believe they are real. At his disbelief, I cock my leg higher to show off the UGG logo. One too many sex on the beach and I lose my balance. My hand lands directly in his genitalia region. If it wasn’t for my fake tan, you would be able to see my red-faced embarrassment. I apologise but the frigid kn*b thinks it’s a come on. “That’s a bit forward!” He proclaims. “It was an accident.” I protest. He gets up and leaves the club. Yes, leaving me all on my todd in this club. He obviously isn’t the man for me. Is any man? God only knows.
Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.
When embarking on a new relationship, or even trying to throw a bit of glitter back into your existing one, we find ourselves putting forward ideas for activities we may not have thought about doing previously. Have you ever looked back on anything you once did with a significant other and thought, “WTF?!”.
Perhaps I am a little out of touch with the haze that surrounds you in the beginning of a new relationship. In a moment of excitement, such as the honeymoon phase, deciding what to have for dinner can seem epic and I understand that entirely. I suppose what does not sit comfortably with me are the cliché scenarios that are bound to pop up whilst you first start dating someone.
You may not believe it, as I have only focused on negatives here, but I would refer to myself as a romantic, and one that enjoys being whisked up in a whirlwind. I am just praying for a bit more originality when the time comes. I certainly have some cards up my sleeve in the waiting line. Do you feel like we need a dating revolution? A re-vamp? Or do you favour the more traditional, predictable routes?
It is understandable if the activity was already high on your other half’s interest list, and you made a compromise to do something together, but it’s when you find an old photo and think, “who was it that was into croquet?!”. I think it’s particularly interesting that during the honeymoon phase, a time when we share our own interests with one another, it’s often during this time we like the idea of trying something new and hope to both enjoy it, as it can then become our “thing”.
For instance, one thing that makes me smirk is when we first get together with someone, we may find it a fabulous idea to go and visit a castle in the countryside. Let’s go for a drive in the countryside and walk around a castle. Happy smiley selfies with eroding bricks in the background to follow. Brilliant. I may be a princess but I gave up castles when they finished on the school outing syllabus, aged 9. There are just some things in life that I don’t believe have any benefit to seeing in the flesh over a photograph. Especially where the UK is concerned. A castle’s gift shop is never as grand as you want it to be (other than its prices), and nobody wants a souvenir where that sh** is made ON SITE, and probably went past its use by like yesteryear.
I suppose you are limited by your location and facilities available in some instances, but what I am trying to understand is surely during a time of prime opportunity of getting to know one another, it’s often that we favour distraction and not attraction. I also have a few problems with some of our more traditional date settings too…
The Cinema. Alternatively we could just put a film on at home, and not talk to each other for the next two hours without having to leave the house or spend money on transport and a ticket? Am I the only one that finds the cinema the most unromantic thing ever? Specifically for a date. Paying to sit in a room full of strangers, and essentially watch TV with them, whilst not saying a word to the person you’re actually there with. As for the “whole experience”- If it’s a movie we’re watching then I would rather that experience, be without queues, over priced drinks (and it’s not even alcohol) and breathing in other peoples demon popcorn breath.
Kids at the age of 14 now look about 25 so makes it more annoying when they don’t get asked for I.D and continue to hold the screening hostage to their moronic teenage outbursts. To be fair my friend and I did the same thing at that age when Lord of the Rings first came out. From the moment the movie started playing, we continued to apply minty lip gloss that glared back at the bright screen like beacons and pulled crazy wide mouthed faces every time the screaming horses had a scene.
Picnic. Even the word aggravates me. Picnic picnic picnic. Blergh. I love the idea of a gorgeous summer’s day and arriving somewhere picturesque, slow motion holding a pastel coloured sun umbrella. My silk shawl sliding down my shoulders as I place the wicker hamper down on the tartan blanket. But no- the basket is fricking heavy… okay so the carrier bags are heavy. There is way too much food and EVERYTHING appears to have been marinated in mayonnaise so will have to be thrown away after more than an hour in the heat. Some form of nature; a dog, bee, baby, etc. is going to ruin the ambience and moment of calm and it’s really stressful even thinking about this right now.
“Hey bebe, let’s watch the sun-set tonight”. Unless you’re in an amazing part of the world, or it’s a special day, I’m not going to go out my way to book an appointment with something that happens every day. I would find the whole thing far much more romantic if this scenario was organic and the sun just so happened to be setting with wet sand between our toes on the other side of the planet. Personally, I am more of a sun-riser kinda guy anyway. Maybe now I’m just being a bit difficult.
Is a man of mystery sexy? Or is there something a little bit more sinister going on behind his smoky allure? You may ask or question if mystery is still even achievable with pretty much our life stories being available via a bit of Google and Facebook detective work. But the kind of mystery that I am typing about is that which belongs to a person who face-to-face only gives you glimpses into their soul and small pieces of a puzzle. You may never get all the pieces of the puzzle, and if you do, the final picture will look like a poor man’s Picasso.
Beware the man of mystery. Mr. Mysterious may strike you as intriguing, challenging, perhaps described by others as a tough nut to crack. So if you find that you are beginning to lose yourself in his eyes, and are interested in knowing more about him, then just be careful how much of yourself you are trading in return for their portion regulated control. Every piece of information divulged is surely to be orchestrated and rehearsed. A man who feels at home basking in the air of others uncertainty and gets off on thinking about you thinking about him, is usually the dullest person you will ever encounter. I’m sure that description has just brought someone you know, or have known, forward in your mind.
Mystery is not to be confused with one being shy either. A shy guy will seem socially uncomfortable, perhaps not overly keen on too much eye contact etc. Mr Mysterious, will be quite comfortable in kicking back and resting his feet waiting for you to flock and delve into a conversation with him. Mr Mysterious will maintain eye contact and control any silence in conversation making your brain do the overtime and make you do all the effort. Essentially he cannot be bothered and is used to having things and people served to him on a platter for his perusal.
Mystery is created, because they don’t actually know who they are or have a lot to say about themselves. They are more likely to speak about the present and what is happening in the now. When speaking about the future it is usually sprayed with a rainbow neon finish creating an exciting, colourful, and idyllic end goal. The past is glazed over like it never even happened and you’re likely to only ever see pinholes of childhood and “previous life”. This allows you to imagine, create, fantasise about who they could be, which immediately makes them seem more interesting than what they actually are.
This man may appear emotionally like a broken bird. Do NOT feed the birds. It is you who will end up broken in your quest to fix them, should your nature be of the “fixing” kind, like mine. Although I am sure you had already come to the conclusion that I speak here from personal experience.
The idea of mystery sounds great to begin with, and has always been bigged up by romantics; mysterious eyes, tall / dark / handsome etc. What even are mysterious eyes? What would they look like? To define mysterious in the dictionary, it reads; “difficult or impossible to understand, explain, or identify”. So it would seem that the word mysterious may be used in place of a more creative description that escapes the person paying the “compliment”. Not so sassy. I will literally puke or punch if I’m told I have mysterious eyes. Alternatively, awkwardly challenge them on their choice of words. It’s unlike me to not just sit back and lap up a “compliment”- but for me this expression is an absolute compliment / conversational sin.
Perhaps we perceive mysterious eyes as an attractive attribute, as eyes are commonly linked to the soul, and if they are perceived as mysterious – then it means we are protected, and hidden away from open fire. In our open book society, we may tend to latch onto anything that would suggest we are akin to an enigma or the unknown.
In reality all mystery is, is withheld simple, straightforward information that isn’t very significant at all if it were to be said normally. But the fact that you cannot get to the information makes it seem much bigger than what it really is. When simple information isn’t shared with us we then start to build a complex about what other information may be withheld, which does not set a great footprint for the beginning of any friendship or relationship.
I suppose I personally am at a time in my life where I want life to be as straightforward as it possibly can be. I do want to settle down, and have adopted a zero-tolerance regime when it comes to a time waster. The problem I have with “mysterious men” is that there is never really a commitment from that person. They keep their options open just in case something better comes their way but will use you to their advantage in the run up to the inevitable demise. By never revealing themselves wholly they remain guarded and detached.
And actually, I no longer have the time to try and crack these tough nuts, it is boring. You either want to share that information and yourself with me, or you do not. The great Oscar Wilde once said, “the true mystery of the world is the visible, not the invisible”. Life can actually be very simple if we allow it to be. This is why Mr Mysterious, is not for me.
I never know how to start an article. Do you start off on a good point? A question? A statement or even a show stopper? You want something that grabs attention while at the same time doesn’t scare people or make them think that you’re a bit of a nutter. Having said that, I do like the nutter route therefore this month’s opening statement is “Speed Dating – is it misunderstood?”★★★★
I’ve never been a massive fan of dates let alone online dating.
I normally prefer to meet guys at the end of the night in a club, when I’m a walking disaster, hair all over the place and if I try and eat the face off them like it’s my first meal since fasting for lent and they respond, at least I know they have seen me at my worst and it can only get better! None the less I still have Grindr and log on everyday although more through boredom than a longing for love.
When discussing me getting back in the dating game a wise friend gave me some wise words – “be brave”, easy for him to say his last date was with a Terry’s chocolate orange and The Million Pound Drop. A few weeks ago I decided to follow his advice and go on a date with a guy who asked me from Grindr!
We arranged to meet in Glasgow on the Sunday afternoon for coffee and naturally the night before I decided to prepare with two good pals and 6 bottles of wine. After spending most of Sunday morning hugging the toilet pan, I decided to re-arrange to meet in Wishaw’s prime dating venue for homosexuals, Wetherspoons, at 9pm.
When I arrived 15 mins late him waiting outside looking less than amused he looked exactly like the pictures he had sent and had quite large hands. Great. We go inside he orders a soft drink and I order cider. The conversation is awkward, he tells me the first Canadian he ever met gave him maple syrup and it sticks in his mind, I try and inject some humour and reply “oh the first Canadian I ever met gave me herpes”. Silence, pan face, I smile, more silence until I declare I was joking. He nods his head. I decided since I was off the next day, I was going to make the most of the situation and order another drink. He watches BBC news on the TV as I play on Facebook. He did give me a lift home at the end of the night which saved me £4.25 on a taxi. Every cloud has a silver lining.
Needless to say we won’t be seeing each other again and to be honest I should have known it wouldn’t work when he told me he had never seen Dirty Dancing. At least I’m back on the wagon and in the dating game again. Next time I will however have a check list — Sense of humour a must;big hands a bonus.
I bet you already know where these quotes come from. I am also pretty sure you’ve seen them. Yes, these are common quotes from Grindr profiles. What’s worse is that I imagine you can think of more grindr, gaydar, gayromeo profiles with further offensive and racist remarks on them.
But surely we can discriminate on who we fancy? Of course.
We must have the right to decide what shape, size and colour the dick is we choose to squeeze, suck or sit on? Without a doubt.
And if I want to say what I don’t like then it saves time doesn’t it? Perhaps.
So if I don’t fancy a black or white guy then I have the right to say so don’t I? Maybe.
But there are ways of saying things.
If you in fact only like Arabic men, regardless of your own racial or ethnic identity then why not say so rather than banishing other minorities outright. Equality and Diversity principles do not dictate that you have to be tokenistic in your relationships or sexual exploits but it does support a community where everyone feels included. With the social battles fought by the LGBT community in the past sixty to six hundred years surely we can be slightly more embracing of difference.
Not into camp. Not in fairies, sorry.
This is another angle of exclusion on ‘social networking’ apps frequented by the predominantly gay and bisexual male. Campness is labelled as undesirable, separated from the profile holder. He isn’t into it, he doesn’t like it. If you are camp he doesn’t like you – it’s there for you to read. How does it make you feel?
Maybe you do sprout wings and poop glitter? But that’s who you are – should you change it for the faceless, headless body? No, but it makes you feel badly about yourself and he still hasn’t found himself a date because the butch bull he is looking for actually doesn’t like guys who bully and discriminate.
So in summary, let’s start with the basics: How not to be a racist in five easy steps.
1) Do not use racist language. We all know what they are. No one thinks you’re big or smart or edgy for using them. And being practical, not many guys invite racists round to their houses.
2) Put what you like, what you ARE into.It’s more positive and inclusive and appealing to a wider range of people. Saying you like something, or love something is much more attractive than associating you with ‘No this’, ‘No that’ or other negative concepts.
3) Be polite. If someone messages you that doesn’t give you butterflies in your stomach (or lower) then just say thanks but no thanks. Most people will get the hint, and if they don’t just block them. It’s easier than resorting to a racist rant.
4) Be inclusive.Try not to see people as one dimensional. Not all ethnicities are the same. Look at your arm – it everyone with that similar shade the same as you? Do they eat the same food, socialise in the same way, believe the same as you do just because your skin matches? Of course not, so don’t apply this ignorance to other arm shades.
5) Challenge yourself. How many of your friends are the same as you? Do they all look the same, come from similar backgrounds? Most are probably the same age. How about bringing some diversity to your life? Speak to someone new, someone with maybe a different experience, a different outlook, a different skin colour – they might be able to shed new light on life. How does your coming out experience compare to the Asian guy 200 meters away or the polish guy four roads away, or the twink smiling at you at the bottom of your screen?
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