All the latest breaking news on dating when you’re LGBT+. Browse The THEGAYUK’s complete collection of features and commentary on dating.
Stick to my top dating tips, and you’ll find yourself bagging this season’s must have accessory…the summer boyfriend!
So we know about ghosting and we know how to spot a fuckboy, what happens when you put the two together, well, you get something truly hellish. Welcome to Zombie-ing.
Ghosting is where a guy you’ve been chatting to on an app, or even have hooked up with, simply doesn’t return your messages or calls. Not even a tag… After a while, you think to yourself, ‘hmm, okay, it’s done and dusted, it’s time to move on’ – good for you, but with Zombie-ing that bastard, comes back to life, without warning and starts sliding into your DMs, phoning, texting, or Grindr messages you like he was never away.
There you are, watching the latest series of The Crown, yep, we see you Crown Queens, on Netflix, when ping, a DM comes in from a guy you hooked up with before the Coronavirus stopped our collective dating / hook up life back in March… Except as soon as lockdown came into force, he stopped messaging you completely. Yep, he ghosted you. Now months on. He’s back. Like a zombie out of The Walking Dead and he’s wanting your boy brains (okay that metaphor doesn’t work).
Well, according to Cosmo a Zombie is kind of like an upgrade (or actual downgrade depending on your view) from a ghost. Gabi Conti writes, “Ghosting is when someone vanishes and you never hear from them. A true ghost will never reach out to you again in any form. If they do, then congrats: Your ghost has just upgraded themselves into a zombie.”
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Well, we going out on a limb here and going to say that Zombie-ing is happening because he’s bored AF or has run out of other guys willing to put up with his shit. With lockdowns in place all over the world, guys will be finding willing sex partners limiting, so maybe he’s going back over his old flings and seeing who will reconnect.
Well, man, that’s totally up to you, but first, what are you going to get out of this reconnection? You really gotta put yourself first. Even if the D was really, really good.
You should consider what happened in your relationship before he first ghosted you and then remember how pissed you were with him when he did that. Remember that? Yeah, so not cool.
Remember apologies are just words and its actions that really speak, so if he really wants to get back in your good books, make him prove it.
If you’re cool with just a hookup or a booty call (once lockdown is over) then go for it, you’ve got nothing to lose.
Dig deep into your Facebook tagged photos and find a nice when in the sun with a cocktail and a decent backdrop. If you’re stuck for choice, perhaps do what every other Grindr user does and take a selfie in the mirror of your local gym changing room. That way, at least everyone knows you keep fit.
Striking up a conversation via a picture of your penis is like Victoria Beckham singing – sin against nature. Sending a blurry photo of your willy is not going to make anyone think “Let’s go Prezzo”. If you, for whatever reason, have an urgent need to send one, do it after at least a day of conversation and, as with your profile picture, make sure it is the best it could be. I’m talking about the right angle and the right filter – no one wants a photo with dodgy lighting.
“Hello, how are you?” sounds far better than “hey, u alrite?” so make sure to use your best grammar when trying to secure a date or even a bit of fun. No one is going to be enticed to have sex with you when you chat like a 14-year-old on MSN.
“I like my men to be men”; “straight acting guys only; “if I can’t see your eyebrows then I don’t want to see you”. When devising your bio, try not to come across as a wanker. Some gay men decide to be their own enemy and it doesn’t exactly scream, “date me”.
Let’s be honest – most gay dating apps amount to anonymous sex with someone you’ve never met before and don’t really know much about except for the size of their penis so, let’s be clear, condoms, PrEP and regular testing if you’re sexually active are absolutely essential…
This article was first published in August 2015 and has been updated.
Using a dating app like Grindr, discreetly can be important for maintaining your privacy and personal boundaries.
Here are some tips on how to do so:
Remember, discretion is a personal choice, and it’s essential to prioritize your safety and comfort while using dating apps. Trust your instincts and take things at your own pace. If you ever feel unsafe or uncomfortable, don’t hesitate to remove yourself from the situation or report the issue to the dating app administrators.
You can also change the way Grindr appears on your phone by changing the app’s icon on your screen. Find out how here.
So, you’re trawling on Grindr and the very standard convo goes something like this:
Hey
Hey
Horny
Yes…
Into?
That “into” can turn into a bit of a ballache if you have a list of things that you’re into, willing to try or dying to do with someone new, but can’t be bothered to write it out each time. Especially if like us, it’s pretty extensive.
Sure you could just send the standard “wank, suck, fuck” reply, but wouldn’t it be cool to let the guy(s) you’re chatting to know exactly what you’re looking for?
So, we have a suggestion. Introducing The List.
It’s a prewritten list of all your turn-ons and what you’re looking for that’s ready to go at a moment’s notice.
It’s really simple and easy to do, plus it’s a great conversation starter.
Simply open up your phone’s notes app and list those kinks and quirks. You can be as specific as you want or leave a couple of things out, for later conversations. Even if you’re a basic member (like us) you can actually save it as a “saved phrase”. If you’re a Xtra member you can save more than one phrase.
Using The List or saved phrases, firstly saves a lot of time, not having to type it out over and over and secondly, you’re putting it all out there, increasing your chances of a) getting exactly what you want and b) finding someone who’s into the same things as you.
As it is, you shouldn’t really spring fetishes or sexual kinks on a hookup when you’re actually in person, unless it’s part of a wider conversation.
Ideally, you need to lay all of that out before you set off so that the person you’re going to hook up with is informed.
You’re very welcome.
Cold days – Check, Dark Afternoons – Check, Rainy Weather – Check, Mariah Carey has come out of her annual retirement – Check. It can only mean one thing. The big C word is upon us. Nope not Christmas but Cuffing Season.
Cuffing season; refers to the winter months, when people who are usually happily single start to seek a committed relationship.
With the days getting shorter and the nights longer, the temperature dropping and the trees becoming bare, it’s the perfect time for cozy nights in with your loved one, building a relationship. It is the optimal time of year for past partners to creep up on you, too.
One of the problems about Cuffing Season is that it might bring some of your exes out of the woodwork! If an ex-partner is single, they might try to come back to you to spend these cozy nights in with you – which might be nice in the short term but could be highly toxic if you’ve not managed to sort out the reasons you split in the first place!
Clinical psychologist Seth Meyers explains that “our energy levels are lower during the colder weather and we are moodier’” so we have less motivation to organise interesting dates.
“This, coupled with poor winter weather, means we have fewer places to go and things to do. This makes us seek out an easier option, such as a past partner.”
So are you guilty of becoming a cuffer?
In a world where there’s an acronym or term for everything, Ghosting is where a guy you’ve been chatting to on an app, or even have hooked up with, simply doesn’t return your messages or calls. Not even a tag…
That’s right, you’ve put in the time, even gone to dinner and then, without explanation he’s gone into the night, like a ghost. Never to be heard of again.
Bastard.
There could be a number of reasons why a guy might suddenly stop messaging you. Perhaps he wasn’t totally up front with you about his personal circumstances, he could be married or in another relationship.
It could be something you said that really offended him or it could be that he said something that totally embarrassed him, and he’s too ashamed to speak to you again.
The crazy thing about ghosting is that it can happen IRL and virtually. You can be ghosted on dating apps or on social media. On Grindr, we’ve found that ghosting is quite common. In a recent survey, we found that 88% of Grindr users had said that they had been ghosted on the app.
If he’s gone off social media or his dating profile is no longer active, then something even more final could have happened. The problem is that you’ll never know.
The best thing is to be happy for the time you had together and move on. Don’t live in the past, look to the future.
Although they are linked, Ghosting and Zombie-ing are different. Zombie-ing is where your ghost, the one that you thought you’d never hear from again, suddenly comes back to life and starts wanting to hang out again. Let’s face it Zombie’s and Ghosts should be ignored and your attention should be focused on the land of the living.
Stick to my top dating tips, and you’ll find yourself bagging this season’s must have accessory…the summer boyfriend!
First of all, it is no longer 1922, so the traditional conventions of dating have been long withdrawn, as much as we hate to admit it, looks and personality are way down on our summer dating agenda – it’s confidence, style and a cracking smile that 2022 is shouting for.
So, you’ve found the guy you’re after, whether you’ve met him through the steam in the sauna, or stacking shelves in the local supermarket, if he’s caught your attention your already onto a winner! Regardless of what social networking site or app you have met him on (we aren’t here to judge, only to help!) You can guarantee there are ten other blokes chatting him up too!
So, Step 1 – Give Him Your Number.
Play it cool though, if you get a text or a call, he’s interested! If you don’t, move on to the next! It goes without saying though, that if his texts make you smile, he’s a keeper! If the conversation is a struggle – don’t ask him out! Simple.
Step 2 – Planning A Date.
Whilst you’re texting, flirting and sending those dirty pictures – you need to remember, spending too much time getting to know someone, runs the risk of creating a friendship rather than a relationship – my advice, 2 days of flirtatious texting and then ask him out! Don’t be shy! We all like a confident guy, so don’t wait around for him to suggest a date, get in there first!
Step 3 – Play It Cool.
Once you’ve got the date planned, where you’re going, what you’re doing etc – don’t keep mentioning it! You don’t want to look over eager, nobody likes to feel badgered, there’s only so many times you can smile at a text, before you think change the record! (And he may decide to cancel on you!)
Step 4 – First Impression.
Now, this step goes two ways, You have approximately 10 seconds to make your first impression, likewise he has 10 seconds to make it on you – think EASY – Eye contact, Ask how he is, Smile at him, and You must look interested! Even if you don’t really care how his day was, and just want to rip his shirt off – you still need to pretend!
Step 5 – Be Realistic.
A good friend of mine once told me, ‘Don’t say or do anything on a first date, that you can’t keep up’, and I’ve always stuck by that – so I’m sharing it with you guys! We all like honesty, so don’t make out like you’re a Fashion Scout for Vogue magazine, when in fact you work the checkout at Primark, it just doesn’t work, and you’re setting yourself up to fail! Similarly, don’t order a bottle of Moet when all you can afford is three pints of cider and a packet of pork scratchings – he wants you, for you – not who you think you should be!
Step 6 – Don’t Judge A Book By Its Cover.
First dates bring nerves; remember, if you’re smiling, and he’s smiling back, if you’re laughing, and the conversations is flowing easily – then it’s going well, don’t worry that his trainers don’t go with his chinos, give him the second date to fix those problems!
Step 7 – Afterwards?
I always find that asking for the bill is always a clear indication of where the night is heading! Drinks afterwards? A coffee at his? A vodka at yours? Either way – if he isn’t paying, the bill is going Dutch! Don’t be quick to decide! Kissing is definitely allowed on a first date, perhaps some heavy petting – but I would advise against giving it all away, you don’t want to seem easy! And after all, you’re on a date because you like him! Don’t want this to be an expensive booty call!
Step 8 – The Next Day.
Depending how the night went, you don’t want to text too soon! Ideally he’ll text you first, but we don’t live in a perfect world! Late morning, or lunchtime is an acceptable point to send him a text, telling him how you enjoyed the night, and would love to arrange another date! (After all. second dates are where the magic happens!) My advice is stick to the 3S’s – Shower, Shave and Send! You don’t want to seem eager, so get up, make yourself human and then message him, I say no texts before 11 guys, after all – you’re a god! Let him do the chasing.
Step 9 – Social Networking.
If you already have him in your friends list, or he’s following your tweets – keep it at that, don’t be adding him to all of your devices, you need to have somewhere to discuss and vent, without him seeing what you’ve said! Likewise, you don’t want to see what he’s saying about you (it could get messy, and we gays don’t like drama!)
Step 10 – Don’t Be Too Available.
Finally, you need to play hard to get, you may have had the most amazing night, but you don’t want to seem overly eager to do it all again! Planning your second, third, fourth or even fifth date to suit you! Don’t ever let him have the upper hand – you need to be in control!
Most importantly though guys – all of us at TheGayUK promote safer sex! We all like to have fun, and we understand so do you, but never forget, don’t be a fool – wrap that tool! For more information on sexual health visit: http://www.gmfa.org.uk/sex/ better to be safe, than sorry!
Hope this helps guys! I wish you all the greatest of luck in your summer dating – don’t forget to check out our website: www.TheGayUK.com find us on Twitter:@TheGayUK for all things gay!
This article is a republish of previous article and updated.
Dig deep into your Facebook tagged photos and find a nice when in the sun with a cocktail and a decent backdrop. If you’re stuck for choice, perhaps do what every other Grindr user does and take a selfie in the mirror of your local gym changing room. That way, at least everyone knows you keep fit.
Striking up a conversation via a picture of your penis is like Victoria Beckham singing – sin against nature. Sending a blurry photo of your willy is not going to make anyone think “Let’s go Prezzo”. If you, for whatever reason, have an urgent need to send one, do it after at least a day of conversation and, as with your profile picture, make sure it is the best it could be. I’m talking about the right angle and the right filter – no one wants a photo with dodgy lighting.
“Hello, how are you?” sounds far better than “hey, u alrite?” so make sure to use your best grammar when trying to secure a date or even a bit of fun. No one is going to be enticed to have sex with you when you chat like a 14-year-old on MSN.
“I like my men to be men”; “straight acting guys only; “if I can’t see your eyebrows then I don’t want to see you”. When devising your bio, try not to come across as a wanker. Some gay men decide to be their own enemy and it doesn’t exactly scream, “date me”.
Let’s be honest – most gay dating apps amount to anonymous sex with someone you’ve never met before and don’t really know much about except for the size of their penis so, let’s be clear, condoms, PrEP and regular testing if you’re sexually active are absolutely essential…
This article was first published in August 2015 and has been updated.
A new study has found that eyes are the most important feature when it comes to getting hooked up online.
The eyes are definitely the window to a soul-mate – with four in 10 singletons naming them the most important tool in the online dating game.
Although most are dating from behind a screen these days, a poll of 1,000 adults found 43 per cent flirt with their eyes more on a virtual date than they would in real life.
A further 44 per cent feel more comfortable making ‘eye contact’ when dating online – which subsequently increases feelings of attraction and connection by half (49 per cent).
But nine seconds was found to be the optimum time to hold eye contact in order to make a connection, with 52 per cent feeling anything longer comes across as ‘creepy’.
It also emerged that three in 10 make more effort to hold someone’s gaze on camera to make sure their interest isn’t missed.
The research was commissioned by Virgin Media, which has teamed up with body language specialist Adrianne Carter, to offer guidance to singles looking to make lasting connections online.
Adrianne Carter said: “If you can master the right flirting technique using eye contact online, you’re already halfway to getting a second date.
“When we’re separated by a screen, we have fewer cues to rely on to ascertain if we’ve made a true connection with a date, or if they just want to turn us off – literally.
“When we are into someone, our subconscious sees us instinctively mirror their behaviours, looking away from the screen to check we’re holding our date’s interest and gazing back into their eyes.”
The study also found that with digital dating ruling out traditional body language cues that convey interest, more than two fifths of singletons claim facial expressions are more important than ever when flirting, and in working out if dates have potential to progress to something more.
Flirty looks (37 per cent) and a cheeky wink (17 per cent) also ranked as sure-fire ways for daters to tell if a new beau-to-be is into them.
But 22 per cent said looking down could signal a premature end to a budding romance, along with avoiding the camera – or eye rolling.
As well as using their eyes to flirt, 48 per cent of digital daters admitted to deliberately avoiding eye contact if they are uncomfortable.
While 37 per cent of those polled via OnePoll do so as they don’t want to lead them on by appearing too into them.
Virgin Media’s spokeswoman Cilesta Van Doorn added: “When we can’t all be physically close to each other easily, connecting online is more important than ever.
“It’s been fascinating to see the important role the eyes play in helping us to make genuine connections with each other, even when we might be separated by a screen.
“By sharing our digital guide, created with the expert help of Alix Fox and Adrienne Carter, we’re helping people across the UK keep those special relationships as fresh and stimulating as the first time they connected”.
Perfect your online eye gaze
Although you’re behind a screen, eye contact online should be made in the same way it is physically; by looking into the person’s eyes.
Focus on their eyes and face area when you’re on a video date – don’t look into the camera.
By doing that you won’t actually be looking at your date’s face, meaning you’ll miss cues – such as eye flirting and their reactions to questions – and it will be harder to make a genuine connection.
Look, look, and look again
There’s an easy trick you can try to see if your virtual date is feeling your vibe.
Look at their face on the screen and then look away to the left – repeat this three times.
If your date’s still looking at you when your gaze returns to the screen, then they’re interested.
Let’s have a show of hands
Traditional body language indicators of interest aren’t possible on a video date, as you’re usually only visible from the shoulders up.
Alongside our eyes, the way we hold ourselves and the gestures we use convey emotion and aspects of our personalities.
Using lots of open gestures denotes an expressive and open personality, whereas suppressed and contained hand movements indicate a quiet and low-key personality type.
Author Tom Driver and editor Jake Hook give us their top tips on making sure you’re more informed before setting out on a date.
If he has a profile photo and you are meeting through an app, right-click the image and do a google image search it to make sure it is him. It will be very clear, quickly if the picture is a stock photo.
If you have a forename and surname back to the search engine and check out social media accounts, Twitter, Facebook and Instagram.
Your research could mean you will be able to cross-reference the image to make sure it is current. Find out about his hobbies. Read his posts and find out about likes and dislikes. Check out his family and friends.
There may be professional profiles enabling you to look at the work play contrast.
Is the guy a big drinker? If so go for a meal unless you are thinking of loosening him up and getting into the sac.
For a meal, you may already know where he likes to eat or perhaps a favourite food. Coffee or Cognac? All this insider information could make you look intuitive and compatible. Just remember if he knows all there is about you too, it is time to smile at each other and reveal you are both members of Stalkers Anonymous!
“STOP THE BUS!” You will have a foot in the door and established a rapport with these cheats, but now it is time to interact.
Best advice for a first date is listen and learn. You already know about yourself, so give the guy some time to tell you about him. Wait and see if he wants to learn about and ask about you.
If he loves puppies and brought you flowers (did I mention a small gift as an icebreaker) is attentive and smiles a lot, brushing aside questions about himself, he could be a keeper.
Have an out option in case he is not for you and the thought of spending another minute with him is hell on earth. I usually have a text ready to send and a friend primed to call me if I am bored, frightened or falling into the whirly pits of despair with a guy on a first date.
Don’t get caught out with the dreaded 5% battery warning. Make sure your phone is fully juiced and that you have a charging cable and an extra battery pack. Having an UBER account (if they operate in your area) on your phone with an up-to-date credit card is also essential.
Letting your flat/housemates, or friends or family know you’re out for the night is a good policy to have. Write down the address of the place you are going. Also, let your date know that you’ve let other people know that you’re out with them.