What’s it like to go to a sauna for the first time?

Well, it’s quite liberating if l am honest. Admittedly this wasn’t a sauna in the UK. It was one we found on a trip to Milan, Italy and Il have only every tried it the once.

If what had gone on was an indication of what Brexit would be to the UK then I can tell you we would have got f*cked by the Italians, fingered by the French and the British would have stood around talking.

However, at the time of the event, there was no such talk of Brexit.

During the evening I had done wonders for Britain in the EU. Let me explain. It’s quite daunting at first. I am/was at the time still quite naive.

It was the year 2000. I had only been out for about 4 years and was on a little paid for jolly by a well known UK pizza company with an ex-boyfriend and good friend, his partner and a friend who you could quite easily smother with a pillow because he made all sorts of random noises at night time.

Having spent the day at Alfa Romeo (I write about cars, give me a break) and lusting madly after the Alfasud, we headed to a sauna in the evening. You would think that the language barrier would have been difficult for a Brit who could order a Big Mac and fries in French and nothing in Italian. Well, think again.

The language of sex is simple. Point, pull and force. You point to the person within the area you are in. You pull them to a private room and you force them onto your cock. In this case, the young Italian man had the upper hand. He was cute, we spoke not one word of understandable language and we had sex.

He waved his erect penis at me in the private room that was no more than a toilet cubicle with a medical type examination couch in and we did the deed, hooded for safety. Later that evening I caught up with the Brits. In this case, the ex in the hot tub. He had suggested we start something off to get it rolling. I then stopped him to say I had already been involved in something. So off to the steam room we head.

A French man is standing nearby. His English isn’t too bad. In fact, it’s quite good, better English that any I have heard on the Jeremy Kyle show.

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“I like to finger” in any accent is pretty much the same. Outside the steam room, he fingers and all of a sudden a strapping Italian man lifts up his towel and pushes my mouth over his hard cock.

I reciprocate and perform oral sex on the man of no name. The event comes to an end and we all go our separate ways home.

England, France and Italy. It was an event as you can see I still have fond memories 17 years later. I am yet to step into one again. I think it would be quite hard to match this. I did try a men-only club in London recently, however, it just wasn’t the same. I am (we hope) taking the Fiat X1/9 to Italy in October and passing through Turin.

Who knows but I’d quite like to revisit a foreign sauna again.