This week a reader asks what he should do about a new relationship he’s in with a bi guy, who doesn’t seem to want to have sex.
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I’ve started seeing a guy who says he’s bisexual. He’s not out to his family or anyone else. We met via an app. We’ve been dating, I guess around 2 months.
He came out of a relationship with a girl around 6 months ago and says he wants to now be with a guy.
Although we’ve spent time together and had a few dates, he doesn’t want to stay the night with me or it seems have sex although he tells me he’s not seeing anyone else – man or woman. I’ve not pressured him, and I tell him when he’s ready I’m here.
I’m not sure what to do? Any advice?
Simon Hill, Author of Journey To Fatherhood
“Work Out A Compromise”
You’re not very clear about what you want. Half the struggle in relationships is about being able to clearly express what you want in an open, thoughtful and non-judgmental manner. One of my friends had a boyfriend for 10 years. After four years he felt it was time for them to live together, but he didn’t push it. Six years later (and after ten years in total), he finally ‘laid it on the line’ and the relationship ended. You have to tell your date in a timely fashion what’s important to you and then work out what compromise (if any, depending on level of importance) you can be happy with.
Alex DaSilva, Birmingham Correspondent
“Don’t let it be something that you lose control over…”
It’s very commendable that you’re allowing him space and the chance to ‘self-discover’ while you’re there to support him. You say it’s been two months of dating, and therefore it is very natural that you want to progress with him further, which of course means intimacy. At this stage, you may want to talk about your feelings a little more and hint you are ready for the next stage. Or have an open discussion about what he would like to do if you were to have sex.
It is exciting, and of course for some, a turn on when you meet a guy who has recently come out or has been with girls in the past, it seems to be an attractive feature that some gay men seek or are excited by. Just don’t let it be something that you lose control over, and only accommodates his needs; he needs to accommodate yours, and two months is a great time to do so.
Shuggie Hughes, Coventry
“The key to good sex is communication”
It sounds to me that this guy may not be very experienced in having sex with another guy. On this basis you may have to give him time to explore this aspect of his sexuality. If you think there is mileage in the relationship bear with him but ask! The key to good sex is communication and it may be he is unsure what to do, how to do it. This could be an opportunity for you both to discover some amazing sex. If you don’t talk about though it will never happen.
Andy Elliot Griffith, Shrewsbury,
“Move on before feelings become too strong.”
It’s nice that you’re not pressuring him into anything, because this may well be his first same-sex experience and he could be either nervous or unsure how to proceed. However if he isn’t willing to put in the effort in the relationship, he could very be on the rebound from his previous relationship, having started dating you only 4 months after. Give it another month, if nothing changes, move on before feelings become too strong.
Paul Nicholls-Whiteman, Brighton
“When in doubt, don’t”
‘When in doubt, don’t’. I have lived by that ever since and it has indeed seen me right in so many things.
It seems to me that this guy doesn’t really know what he wants so are you becoming his counsellor? It seems he has an awful lot of issues to deal with and I am not sure if this is really what you want.
You seem to be happy within yourself, you seem to know what you want. Re-read your question if you can answer this to yourself honestly you have your answer. I wish you well.
Daniel Browne, Founder Of Warwickshire Pride
“See how he feels about having sex with another man”
It sounds to me like the person you’re dating is still coming to terms with his sexuality. If he has been in the closet previous to dating you, he may now only be beginning to feel comfortable with who he is. It can be a lengthy (and frustrating) process, but there are things you can do to help. It’s great that you’ve not pressured him and let him know that you are there when he is ready to take the next step. It might be worth sitting down with him to talk about how he feels about having sex with another man. He may not have done it before, so could be feeling apprehensive or even scared. You may be able to help alleviate that though. It sounds like you’ve been supportive so far. You should continue that track.
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The resident Agony Uncle for THEGAYUK.com with over seven years of counselling experience with the LGBT+ community.