THEGAYUK

Author: Paul Stag

  • How gay are the music charts?

    Really effing gay it seems that’s for sure

    Madonna
    CREDIT: Denis Makarenko / Bigstock

     

    What do Abba, Kylie, Scissor Sisters, Elton, Jason Donovan, Streisand and Musical Theatre have in common? Read on.

    The official chart company have just published the list of the biggest selling album for each year from 1956 up until today and basically it seems you really have to appeal to the pink pound if you want a really big seller. Abba come up tops three times, Adele twice and loads of other very gay friendly artists are among the chart champs of the last 60 years even Su Bo make the list.

    Unbelievably 11 of the list are from musicals and musical theatre so nothing gay there then. There is no room for any macho rock, hip hop, r&b, rock and roll or homophobic reggae. Basically if you don’t fit with the G-A-Y party Crowd, a pride float, the Royal Vauxhall Tavern dancefloor or on Gaydar radio then you ain’t gonna get those multi-platinum discs.

    Gays just have more spare cash and we LOVE to spend it on our music. Therefore no Rolling Stones, AC/DC, Beyoncé, Rihanna, U2, Dance acts or any closet queer punk rockers.

    1956 Carousel – OST, yep we have no idea either

    1957 The King & I – OST (We could dance all night and year)

    1958 My Fair Lady – OST, Where does it rain

    1959 South Pacific – OST Some truly enchanted twelve months

    1960 South Pacific – OST YEAR TWO (Still with musical theatre – where’s some Cliff?)

    1961 GI Blues – Elvis Presley Soundtrack, Wooden Heart and 10 other poor fillers

    1962 West Side Story – OST altogether “I feel pretty, I feel pre….”

    1963 With The Beatles – Beatles (At last a studio album)

    1964 Beatles For Sale – Beatles, predictable

    1965 The Sound Of Music…It’s the biggest one of all!

    1966 The Sound Of Music…Yeah AGAIN!

    1967 Sgt Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band – Beatles, enough already buy some Motown

    1968 The Sound Of Music …Still Going stronger than anyone else Four years on.

    1969 Abbey Road – Beatles (Not a tonne of competition in the Sixties)

    1970 Bridge Over Troubled Water – Simon & Garfunkel, because Clive Dunn never made an LP

    1971 Bridge Over Troubled Water – Simon & Garfunkel still sailing on silver bird

    1972 20 Dynamic Hits – K-Tel Various Artists (Remember K-Tel records and Ronco!)

    1973 Don’t Shoot Me I’m Only The Piano Player – Elton John back when he was into girls

    1974 Carpenters Singles ’69-’73, How did they beat the Wombles and the Goodies?

    1975 Best Of The Stylistics, bet you didn’t see that coming

    1976 Abba Greatest Hits, My My…..

    1977 Arrival – Abba including Dancing Queen, Money,Money, Knowing Me etc

    1978 Saturday Night Fever – OST and the whole world hit the dance floor.

    1979 Parallel Lines – Blondie….We want more disco…..aagh Freak Out

    1980 Super Trouper – Abba still feeling like number ones

    1981 Kings Of The Wild Frontier – Adam & The Ants, unplug the jukebox

    1982 Love songs – Barbra Streisand, hello…Duran, Soft Cell, Spandau, Wham, Human League?

    1983 Thriller – Michael Jackson….obviously

    1984 Can’t Slow Down – Lionel Richie……Where is Queen?

    1985 Brothers In Arms – Dire Straits……No seriously where is Queen?

    1986 True Blue – Madonna still no Queen but at least our goddess has finally arrived

    1987 Bad – Michael Jackson looking in the mirror, buy some George Michael for chrissake !

    1988 Kylie – Kylie Minogue got lucky over at SAW.

    1989 Ten Good Reasons – Jason Donovan Mr Pete Waterman still unstoppable (# love U Sonia)

    1990 But Seriously – Phil Collins…Never has an album been more accurately titled

    1991 Stars – Simply Red…this is not going to be pretty

    1992 Stars – Simply Red…again, now you are just taking the piss

    1993 Bat Out Of Hell 2 – Meatloaf, what happened to the first Bat?

    1994 Crossroads: Best Of Bon Jovi, the decade of dance and rave ….eh, no!

    1995 Robson & Jerome – Robson & Jerome win the Blur vs Oasis battle

    1996 Jagged Little Pill – Alannis Morrisette now isn’t that Ironic

    1997 Be Here Now – Oasis just goes to show you can fool all the people all the time

    1998 Talk On Corners – The Corrs…..So the store was sold out of Spice Girls CDs?

    1999 Come On Over – Shania Twain, That impresses us

    2000 1/Beatles – How many times can you buy the same old songs?

    2001 No Angel – Dido, sorry I fell asleep

    2002 Escapology – Robbie….love him especially naked…?

    2003 Life After Rent – Dido, yep she really was that big….we raise the White Flag

    2004 Scissor Sisters – Scissor Sisters, now what happened to them?

    2005 Back To Bedlam – James Blunt….music’s loss is the army’s gain

    2006 Eyes Open – Snow Patrol….alternatively you could have just bought the Chasing Cars single

    2007 Back To Black – Amy Winehouse. Pass the hairspray

    2008 Rockferry – Duffy, come on Beyoncé, GaGa and RiRi you must try harder

    2009 I Dreamed A Dream – Susan Boyle, gay guys love their mum’s

    2010 Progress – Take That, a man band to masturbate too

    2011 21 – Adele, thank god I survived that patchy first album

    2012 Our Version Of Events – Emeli Sande well we were a bit busy with the Olympics

    2013 Midnight Memories – One Direction… yep still wanking to hot boy bands

    2014 X – Ed Sheeran so talented…

    2015 25 – Adele just beating sales wise those difficult second albums by PSY and Conchita Wurst.

  • FILM REVIEW | Mechanic Resurrection

    MECHANIC RESURRECTION – The sexiest man alive is back in the sequel to his 2011 actioner which itself came from the 1972 original- testosterone level turned up to 11.

    Nutshell – Jason Statham returns to one of his many movie franchises. Retired and in hiding (so far so Jason Bourne) he is forced to travel the world to commit three impossible assassinations to rescue the love of his life (shame it is not a guy – surely this guy must be in the closet). From Rio to Thailand to Sydney and beyond mayhem and incredible stunts is the the ultimate outcome.

    Running Time – 98 minutes; Certificate – 15.

    Tagline – “Four Continents, Three Kills; They Hired Him, They Betrayed Him, They Will Pay”.

    The Gay UK Factor – The Stath gets his shirt off in all his films but here he goes mad. Basically there are very few scenes here where he actually has his clothes on so not so much a movie for your wank bank as a movie that will entirely destroy your right arm. Jason turns up as a prisoner, security guard, repairman, soldier, in a suit, swimming trunks etc etc in a 2016 version of the Village People with added chest hair.

    Cast – Jason Statham, Jessica Alba, Tommy Lee Jones, Michelle Yeoh and a endless line of muscle hunks to get sweaty with in mano et mano action for the whole duration.

    Key Player – These movies are star vehicles, basically if Jason wasn’t in it then it would simply not be made and here he has one of his biggest budgets ever in a film which is wholly tailored to his strengths – number one of which is his huge schlong – clearly visible on the beach and in the underwater scenes – then of course there are the gratuitous lingering ass shots.

    Budget – $40 Million, These films never make their money back at cinemas but from DVD and TV and this bigger production than normal will be no different.

    Best Bit – 0.20 mins; Where you get the start of 15 straight minutes of the Sath’s nipples on a Phuket beach.

    Worst Bit – 1.32 mins; The big surprise twist or reveal at the end is pretty pathetic and a real let down – let’s just say this is no Usual Suspects or Sixth Sense knock out blow – he should have got his prick out instead now that would have been a closer.

    Little Secret – If you are ever in LA, Jason works out quietly and sweats like mad at the Gold’s Gym right by LAX airport so make sure you make that your gym of choice for your trip and join the queue to see him naked and soaped up in the open showers.

    Movie Mistake – The watch which is so key to the story is missing from Jason’s wrists in thousands of scenes throughout the film – very strange for such an important macguffin. Hey Ho this is his application for the part of Bond with two sequences even filmed in former Bond famous locations.

    Further Viewing – Seeing as Jason holds the world record for the most number of Movie franchises ever with eight you are spoiled for choice. Try Spy, The Transporter 2, Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, The Expendables 3, Crank 2 and Fast & Furious 7 or any film with a number in it.

    Any Good – As Formulaic as ever with the only new thing here being the huge globetrotting going on (the location scout deserves a pay rise) and of course the increased Statham flesh count. A movie for straight guys to live out and hide their gay fantasies and for gay guys to freeze frame for years to come.

    Rating – 74%

  • FILM REVIEW | Suicide Squad

    SUICIDE SQUAD – A team of badguys are moulded into the ultimate bad-ass superhero team in DC Comics keystone answer to the Avengers.

    Nutshell – The US Government decide that the best way to deal with any future superhero nasty fukkas from outer space is to form there own band of super villains and blackmail them into action. First job to save the world from a real bitch on heat, roll into the mix of all the future household names we get appearances from Batman, Superman, the Joker and other comic faves.

    Running Time – 123 minutes; Certificate – 15.

    Tagline – ‘Worst Heroes Ever’ ‘Justice Has A Bad Side’.

    The Gay UK Factor – There is some serious machismo going on here for two guys that have testosterone coming out of every part of their pecs and glutes. Joel Kinnaman uniformed throughout in military fatigues as Rick Flag the military officer put in charge of the squad is matched by squad member Aussie sex god Jai Courtney as Boomerang. If they f**k in the sequel then it could become the biggest film of all time.

    Cast – Will Smith, Jared Leto, Margot Robbie, Viola Davis, Jai Courtney and most notably the world’s leading supermodel Cara Delevingne plus celeb cameos.

    Key Player – Mr Summer Blockbuster himself the most bankable star in Hollywood a certain Will Smith. He gets some genuinely funny lines and just looks and feels like a superhero with his new shaved head putting everything to good use he learned in Hancock. There are film stars and then there is Willard Carroll ‘Will’ Smith Jnr.

    Budget – $175 Million which was money well spent as already made quarter of a billion back at the Box Office and more importantly it has many future franchises dependent on it which are all green lit now.

    Best Bit – 0.48mins; So many great little sequences and action beats but when the writing is so solid that the best sequence is the first macho posturing meet with all the great word play when the squad meet their military bosses.

    Worst Bit – 1.25 mins; The elephant in the room here is does this film need the Jokers involvement? With so many previous great screen appearances it is hard to get Heath Ledger and Jack Nicholson out of your mind and Jared Leto misses by a country mile. Yes he has some great Ledger type lines but he has nothing really to do with the plot here.

    Little Secret – Jared Leto got so immersed in playing The Joker that he sent his fellow cast members “Joker-like” presents: a live rat to Margot Robbie, bullets to Will Smith, sticky Playboy magazine to Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje and a dead pig and some anal beads and used condoms to the crew….we’ll take the anal beads thank you.

    Movie Mistake – Rick Flag’s hair length continually changes throughout the movie showing clearly the number of re-shoots that are here or maybe the director was still hoping to get his first choice Tom Hardy back from The Revenant. How does Harleyquin get into a lift, wave goodbye to the squad for them all to be waiting for her at the top when the lift doors open?

    Further Viewing – Endless Batman films, Superman films, Avengers films, Guardian films we are not short of superhero movies now or anytime in the near future judging by this, Captain America and Deadpool’s haul.

    Any Good – This is a very cool film indeed. From the opening scene to the post credit stinger, through clothing, visuals and music we are deep in indie territory here hanging with the kids in school everybody thinks are cool. Yes it is a great film, to some people it will be the movie they have waited for all their lives to others it wont even be the best superhero film of the year. We believe this is the start of something pretty big though.

    Rating – 79% ????????

     

  • FILM REVIEW | Jason Bourne

    FILM REVIEW | Jason Bourne

    JASON BOURNE – The 5th film in the saga of the memory loss super-spy and former FBI agent. Matt Damon is back after the Jeremy Renner misfire

    CREDIT: universal pictures
    CREDIT: universal pictures

    Nutshell – Picking up where the third movie left off and completely passing over number four this time coming staight out of the headlines with a massive wikileaks style hack story. Our hero gets dragged back out of hiding (again) to defeat those nasty plotting American war mongerers. This time he heads to Athens, Berlin, London Paddington and Las Vegas and the action is pretty non-stop with superstar Brit director Paul Greengrass back in charge of the mayhem (The only reason for Damon’s return)

    Time – 123 mins; Certificate – 12A.

    Tagline – ‘You Know His Name’ a play on the James Bond Casino Royale ‘You Know My Name’ tag.

    The Gay UK Factor – Don’t be late arriving as the hottest scene is right at the start when we get Matt Damon in a shirtless illegal underground fight club with plenty of sweat, muscle and blood for your right wrists attention.

    Cast – Matt Damon. Tommy Lee Jones, Alicia Vikander, Scott Sheperd, Vincent Cassel and franchise regular the truly gorgeous Julia Styles.

    Key Player – The British Superstar director Paul Greengrass who is unbeaten in making great exciting hit blockbuster movies straight out of the headlines. From Bloody Sunday to United 93, from Green Zone to Captain Phillips plus two pevious Bourne movies he is able to make the Stephen Lawrence case, 9/11, The Irish Troubles, The Somali Pirates etc into pure thought provoking entertainment and here he does it again with whistleblower Julian Assange – this movie might not be shown in the Ecuadorian Embassy!

    Budget – $120 Million but it’s already made $160 Million with a lot of legs left in it yet – a bona fide deserved hit where Hollywood does what it is best at and that is simply repeat what has worked before ad-infintum. Matt Damon is awaiting the phone to ring for number six surely.

    Best Bit – 0.36mins; There is a stunt in the final sequence which could go straight up against the opening chase in TMNTurtles as the best action clip of the year. As we are not into spoilers then the second best bit is a very tense possible death scene of a major character at the end of the Athens chase.

    Worst Bit – 1.02 mins; The upside of Bourne films is their realism but the problem with this is that we often expect a lot more than real life from our Hollywood entertainment. The bad guy here and the threat factor is not that huge in an era where we are used to world threatening bond villains or nasty geezers out to blow up the world – computer threat of secrets from a guy in a suit is a bit passe.

    Little Secret – The Las Vegas car chase sequence took five weeks to shoot and at the end the sequence wrecked 170 cars – They were only allowed to film on the strip between midnight and 5AM. They could not film the Greek scenes there as the taxes were too high due to that country’s financial woes so they mocked up Tenerife to look like Athens instead.

    Movie Mistake – A lot of car trouble, a number of times in the Las Vegas car chase you can see no driver in the vehicles, during a huge crash no airbags are deployed and four times the vehicles pass Bally’s and Paris Casinos on the strip which probably shows us how little access they actually had over the busy Vegas streets. Also why no-one noticed that the Audi Bourne hires in London has the steering wheel on the left side we will never know.

    Further Viewing – Four Bourne films and 25 Bond movies to begin with. Also Kingsman, The Ipcress File, Bridge Of Spies, Mission Impossible, Spy Game, The Third Man, 24 and Spooks.

    Any Good – Yes this is ace and worthy of the original trio that went before it. The action is spot on and the directing is out of this world. Matt Damon looks great and has this character locked down now. The others have great sequences but this is probably the best all round movie of the franchise.

    Rating – 70%

     

     

  • FILM REVIEW | Star Trek Beyond

    STAR TREK BEYOND – The 13th Star Trek film – remember the odd-numbered ones are the good ones does that all change here?

    Nutshell – The third movie in the rebooted series. The crew set off from the best spaceport in the Universe to help a missing crippled ship in a nebula hence out of contact. They come under attack from a big bad guy who has been planning bigger dirty deeds from afar which soon become apparent and whilst he sets off to destroy said spaceport and all human kind, our heroes are separated, enslaved or worse on a desolate planet that looks like a quarry in Surrey (Actually Vancouver).

    Time – 122 mins; Certificate – 12A.

    Tagline – None. Let’s face it you know what you are going to get by now after 50 years and are either in or out.

    THE GAY UK FACTOR – Chris Pine and Idris Elba in mano et mano wrestling and fighting action as to who gets to live or in our universe loser gets done in the ass by the winner as in Kink.com’s wrestling videos online.

    Cast – Chris Pine, Zachary Quinto, Simon Pegg, Zoe Saldana, Karl Urban with all the regulars plus Idris Elba and Sofia Betella and a bunch or red-shirt cannon fodder.

    Key Player – Simon Pegg has now also taken on writing duties so the humour is upped substantially and it works. Of course he still plays Engineer Scotty, superbly too, and has quietly gone from BBC TV sitcom land to possibly our biggest movie star with this franchise plus two others with the Mission Impossible and Ice Age films plus his own starring comedies like Shaun Of The Dead, Hot Fuzz and Paul, where does he find the time – Nick Frost who?

    Budget – $185 Million, It’s positive reception will mean that it will turn out to be a very profitable little number especially in a Summer of underachievers yes Ghostbusters and Independence Day 2 we are looking at you.

    Best Bit – 0.31mins; The first time the bad guys attack we get a very long, tense and sustained action sequence with real threat as the Starship Enterprise gets destroyed piece by piece before your very eyes….or does it?

    Worst Bit – 1.28 mins; When Kirk goes all ‘The Great Escape’ on a vintage motorbike he finds in space….yes we know! Many critics say this is a great action movie but not a Star Trek film, judge for yourselves of course but this sequence would fit much better in Fast and Furious 8: Vin Diesel in a space quarry.

    Little Secret -Writer Simon Pegg and director Justin Lin made the decision of making Sulu gay as a nod to original actor George Takei, who has since become a prominent LGBT rights activist. After production on the film was completed and a month before the film’s release, Anton Yelchin (Chekov) was killed in a freak car accident. During the end credits, there is a caption “For Anton”.

    Movie Mistake – As the Enterprise gets hacked to pieces and split in two it seems incongruous that the lights, air, gravity seem unaffected. Then the ship starts to flip upside down but still the crew are running along floors and ceilings with gay abandon. Newton’s law of gravity for christsake!

    Further Viewing – Well you have twelve others to go at for starters our fave is number 4 The Voyage Home followed by First Contact; Stargate, Aliens, Battlestar Galactica and anything from that galaxy far away and a long long time ago.

    Any Good – Well yeah, the rebooted formula is well sorted now and the cast fit their parts perfectly. The original story is done and there is no attempts at cameos from Trek characters of the past just a straight forward adventure movie. Like a TV episode three times as long and with 50 times the budget. One of those rare Trek films that would appeal outside of the home fan-base. Number 14 please.

    Rating – 34/100 (34th out of the last 100 films reviewed with 1 being Gay UK filmatic heaven and 100 being a dud).

  • FILM REVIEW | The Legend Of Tarzan

    FILM REVIEW | The Legend Of Tarzan

    THE LEGEND OF TARZAN – The eternal story of the jungle hero brought up by apes who turns into a 6’4″ plus sweaty almost nude muscle man is back.

    Legend Of Tarzan
    CREDIT: Warner Bros

     

    Nutshell – The story has been filmed so many times over the last 98 years and here he gets his biggest budget yet in both an original story and an adventure involving diamonds and nasty Euro villains. Starting in England as the grown up suited and booted Lord Greystoke we get to flashback to the loss of his parents, the adoption by gorillas and how he met Jane before his Lordship whips his clothes off to start swinging through the jungle in the main plot for a bit of revenge, rescue the missus and to sort out some international political shenanigans and save the day. Thank goodness here he can communicate with the animals as he sure needs there help big time.

    Time – 110 mins; Certificate – 12A.

    Tagline – ‘Human…Nature’.

    THE GAY UK FACTOR – Well you have to wait 30 minutes until you get to see a nipple thereafter it is 90 minutes of rippling sweaty muscle running, jumping and wrestling with other buff men. Tarzan is played by Alexander Skarsgard the hottest piece of Swedish blonde manhood you have ever seen. If you want more check out the new gay porn parody Tarzan from Men.com starring porn superstar Diego Sans with his 10 incher stumping every man up the butt who steps into his jungle like an ape on heat and banging his chest and letting out his infamous shout when he cums the choice is yours !.

    Cast – Alexander Skarsgard (Zoolander 2), Margot Robbie (The Wolf Of Wall Street), Christoph Waltz (Spectre), Jim Broadbent (Moulin Rouge), Ben Chaplin (Cinderella) and Samuel ‘I’ve had it with these motherf***ing snakes on this motherf***ing plane’ L. Jackson.

    Key Player – Christoph Waltz is the only stand out in a sea of beige here. A great scene stealing actor ever since Tarantino launched him into the big time a decade ago and here he adds another complete bastard to his run of Nazi’s in Inglorious Bastards or his Blofeld in the latest James Bond.

    Budget – $180 Million, One of the biggest budgets of the Summer but we are looking at a merely break-even film here, so no profit, no sequel and no franchise…..oh dear!

    Best Bit – 0.50 mins; Tarzan and buds swing on vines onto a fast-moving train which is a very entertaining but unnecessary action set-piece.

    Worst Bit – 0.20 mins; Basically the whole first act is slow going, get your kit off man and fight something so we watch those muscles move and smell those pits.

    Little Secret – The 6’4″ actor had to get his bod in shape twice as the cast had to return 8 months later for re-shoots. He said, “We have an outline already for the sequel in which Tarzan gains weight. Tarzan remains hairy and does not have eight pack abs. It has no action and Tarzan eats cake, lots of cake. I wrote it.”…..no worries there is no sequel wanted here.

    Movie Mistake – The bad guys death right at the end has a couple of hideous errors check them for yourself as we are not into giving spoilers here.

    Further Viewing – The International Movie Database lists over 200 Tarzan films over the last 98 years so when done with those try The Jungle Book (2016), Fitzcarraldo, Romancing The Stone, Congo & even George Of The Jungle.

    Any Good – Not really considering that budget. There is plenty of action and a heavily CGI’d finale which hardly engages but the acting is so phoned in and the editing is appalling jumping back in time as and when and leaping the main story onwards with an unexplained blur – you will switch off before the end after all the whole cast except Waltz do. Decent wanking material though.

    Rating – 81/100 (81st out of the last 100 films reviewed with 1 being Gay UK filmatic heaven and 100 being a dud).

  • FILM REVIEW | Ghostbusters

    FILM REVIEW | Ghostbusters

    GHOSTBUSTERS – New York is flooded by angry ghosts once again – who ya gonna call ?… The all female reboot that’s who.
    The Ghostbusters Abby (Melissa McCarthy), Holtzmann (Kate

    Nutshell – Thirty-two years after you first heard that legendary song and saw that logo the female Ghostbusters take over with a mega budget and a host of famous cameos plus all the major players (in different roles) from the original films. From the team that brought you recent megahits like Bridesmaids and Spy, means you are in very safe hands with four former Saturday Night Live girls in the lead roles who know how to get laughs a plenty. It has exactly the same tone as the original two movies and is great fun. Bustin’ makes us feel good.

    Time – 116 mins; Certificate – 12A.

    Tagline – ‘Who Ya gonna Call’ & ‘Answer The Call’.

    THE GAY UK FACTOR – If THEGAYUK office was making a Ghostbusters movie we would put Chris Hemsworth in tight T-shirts in as many scenes as possible. We would show several shots of the 6’4″ Aussie muscle hunk with his shirt off and we would close the movie with a three minute private lap dance with the sex god over the credits. Guess what the producers give us exactly all that and more and therefore topping up to our wank bank to the brim.

    Cast – Melissa McCarthy, Chris Hemsworth’s ass, Kristen Wiig, Chris Hemsworth’s pecs, Bill Murray, Chis Hemworth’s cock, Charles Dance, Chris Hemworth’s abs, Ozzy Osbourne, Chris Hemsworth’s thighs and an awful lot more of Chris Hemsworth and some other actors too…

    Key Player – Melissa McCarthy is the current queen of comedy and she leads from the front here in what should be an ensemble piece. She has so many funny lines many of which she ad-libbed. She is on the biggest roll in Hollywood at the moment with twelve straight hits and no misses and it won’t stop here.

    Budget – $144 Million, It will make a profit but won’t bust blocks as may have been hoped for it but a sequel will follow as set-up nicely with the post credit twist.

    Best Bit – 1. 44 mins; The end credits are simply great, with funny comedy clips, outtakes, sequel teasers and that Chris Hemsworth dance routine which caps out the whole movie nicely.

    Worst Bit – 21.00 mins; The big bad is neither very big or very bad and the film really picks up when in Scooby Doo type fashion the evil spirit starts to take over various main cast members and upping both the fun and jeopardy.

    Little Secret – When the movie was first assembled it was a butt clenching 4 hours and 15 mins long so some severe editing was required. As of today its trailer on YouTube was the most hated of all time as fans did not like the idea of the original guys being replaced by gals.

    Movie Mistake – Lots. After the first ghostly encounter when Erin is covered in gloop she hugs Abby who in the next shot has no gunk on her whatsoever, the ghostbusters vehicle Ecto 1 appears in their garage HQ before they have even acquired it in the story and the evil spirit can control a whole army of men and makes them dance but stupidly appear to have no power over the four ghostbusting girls who are obviously the real threat.

    Further Viewing – Ghostbusters 1 & 2, Men In Black 1 & 2, Bridesmaids, The Boss, Heat, Sister Act or anything with Sandra Bullock or Bette Midler in.

    Any Good – Perfectly adequate no more and no less. We have a suspicion that now all the homages to the original is out of the way that the sequel will be truly great. A weird kind of experience where after a neat opening scene, the movie then dips substantially and then gets gradually builds and gets better and better throughout as it progresses to a very lively climax . Giving you a marathon feel rather than a sprint.

    Rating – 51/100 (51st out of the last 100 films reviewed with 1 being Gay UK filmatic heaven and 100 being a dud).

  • FILM REVIEW | Nice Guys

    THE NICE GUYS – Bad cop, meaner sidekick in 70s set LA based film noir mystery thriller … and boy is it funny.

    Nutshell – Ryan Gosling’s ex-cop bumps into Russell Crowe’s hard case alcoholic hard nut investigator in a buddy movie where they simply hate each other. There is a dead porn star called Misty Mountains a femme fatale with a problem that goes right to the top. Slapstick, action, plot twists all laced with the Seventies feel of a Blaxpotation movie and Boogie Nights. The music is great, the story superb and the laughs between the two leads are plentiful.

    Time – 116 mins; Certificate – 15

    Tagline – ‘Nice Pair….They’re not that nice’.

    THE GAY UK FACTOR – Two of the sexiest men alive Gosling and Crowe going full mano et mano for the duration. This is masculine men ripping on each other and beating one another up rather than off for the duration. If you like either of these two guys you will truly love this and the film is about the porn industry too.

    Cast – Russell and Ryan, Angourie Rice and the gorgeous Kim Basinger.

    Key Player – Shane Black the director. A true pet project from the Iron Man director and writer of all the Lethal Weapon films, The Last Boy Scout and Last Action Hero. This guy knows buddy films as he in effect invented them and this is his masterpiece of the genre.

    Budget – A relatively modest $50 Million with stars of this calibre but period films always cost a lot so that money would be quickly mopped up. No problem as it got into profit in under two weeks and there is a lot more money on the way for this one.

    Best Bit – 1.05 mins; The secret is the interplay between the two leads and it is best shown in a comedy masterclass inside a toilet closet.

    Worst Bit – 1.10 mins; The unnecessary dream sequences the first one leading to a car crash just don’t fit with the films tone – who needs giant bee’s etc ?

    Little Secret – The project was initially proposed as a TV series but was re-tooled as a film after the pilot seemed to be going nowhere – good decision.

    Movie Mistake – As with all period pieces there are so many – both the Earth Wind & Fire songs in the club were not released when the movie was set and the song “Get Down On It” was 5 years later. Posters for Blondie who weren’t even formed then and TV shows and films such as London Calling did not exist in 1977 when this was set.
    Further Viewing – Lethal Weapons 1 through 4, Hot Fuzz, Men In Black, Hollywood Homicide, In Bruges and most of all the Rush Hour series.

    Any Good – This is pure cinema marmite if you like the tone it will be one of your favourites of the year if not you will just enjoy it as a decent well acted comedy thriller..

    Rating – 67/100 (67th out of the last 100 films reviewed with 1 being best and 100 being a damp squib).

  • FILM REVIEW | Absolutely Fabulous The Movie

    FILM REVIEW | Absolutely Fabulous The Movie

    ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS : THE MOVIE – The good time girls of PR and fashion are back to expand the hit TV show in possibly the gaiest film ever made.

     

    Nutshell – 25-years after the show debuted we finally get the movie version we wanted. Picking up in real-time the WHOLE cast of major and minor characters are back all a bit older but just as funny this time round. Edina Monsoon (Jennifer Saunders the writer) has lost all her money and desperately needs new clients which leads to a tragic accident resulting in both Edina and walking drug cabinet Patsy Stone (Joanna Lumley having to go on the run to the South of France to do a bit of goldigging with an old flame played by Barry Humphries and ‘hilarity ensues’ in this cameo heavy laugh out loud pop culture juggernaut.

    Time – 91 mins; Certificate – 15.

    Tagline – ‘It’s A Huge Great Bloody Movie, Sweetie’.

    THE GAY UK FACTOR – So wonderfully camp Ab Fab makes Pride and Priscilla look like Rocky and Rambo by comparison. With early cameos from a Spice Girl, Lulu, Graham Norton, Rylan Clark, Dame Edna and Biggins it wraps itself in the gay flag with sequins on from the get go. Later it even goes to the Royal Vauxhall Tavern with a sing-a-long from a hundred drag queens led by La Voix and Jodie Harsh so this is gayer than Ricky Martin doing Louie Spence in the front row of an ABBA reunion show with Kylie holding the lube and we just love it.

    Cast – Basically everyone – All the main cast Jennifer Saunders, Joanna Lumley, Julia Sawalha, Jane Horrocks, June Whitfield, Kathy Burke etc plus endless cameos (see above) plus Kate Moss, Rebel Wilson, John Hamm, Jerry Hall, Joan Collins, Dawn French, Gaultier, Hilton, Tempah, McCartney and a hundred others.

    Key Player – Joanna Lumley has been gifted by Saunders with all the best lines for years and she does not just deliver them with her usual style she now basically lives inside Patsy’s skin making one of the most recognisable gay icon characters in history and this is her ultimate high-heeled platform to entertain.

    Budget – $20 million but it will make back a fortune. When TV comedy hits on film like The Inbetweeners or Alan Partridge it runs and runs as opposed to flops like The Harry Hill or Bad Education movies so the cash will rightly flow. The difference here is that this one will score overseas too especially in North America.

    Best Bit – 0.20 mins; When you get a great scene where the PR guru’s are in full mode planning a lavish event lead by Kathy Burke on powerhouse form closely followed by the star-studded hugely funny red carpet which is so fast paced that you want it to last a whole lot longer.

    Worst Bit – 90.00 mins; Nothing wrong with the film at all and it keeps the tone and laugh quotient high throughout. The big disappointment is the soundtrack which could have been a gay classic and a CD to treasure for years but nothing that exciting or inventive here so give iTunes a miss unless you really want an average version of Kylie rehashing “Wheels On Fire” and some French ballads.

    Little Secret – Dawn French in an attempt to get the film kickstarted bet Jennifer Saunders £10,000 that she wouldn’t have a movie script for Ab Fab finished by the end of the year (2015). Dawn lost when the script was delivered but later found that after page 35 there was nothing typed other then Blah, blah, blah. June Whitfield btw turned 90 during filming – go girl!

    Movie Mistake – TBH we were laughing so much that we didn’t notice any real bloopers. There was some average stunt scenes where obviously vehicles have no drivers in them or are male stunt drivers but who really cares, just enjoy.

    Further Viewing – All the camp classics like Bruno, Priscilla, Mamma Mia, Spice Girls The Movie, Pride, Too Wong Fu, Bridesmaids or anything starring Bette Midler or Judy Garland.

    Any Good – Never has a movie been so more appropriately titled. Yes it is very good, very funny and will deliver exactly what you are expecting. Basically if you are reading The Gay UK you have either already seen this or will be planning to very soon and there is not a single reason we can think of to make you change your mind. So time to smuggle in the Bollie and the nibbly little bits into your local multiplex and have a right good laugh, sweetie, darling.

    Rating – 15/100 (15th out of the last 100 films reviewed with 1 being Gay UK filmatic heaven and 100 being a dud).

  • FILM REVIEW | Now You See Me 2

    NOW YOU SEE ME 2 – The sequel to the surprise hit magicians turned thieves movie from 2013. This time the bad guys from episode one are after revenge but nothing is what it seems.

    Nutshell – The Four Horseman magician team are in hiding after the events of the first movie. An attempt to bring down a ‘Steve Jobs’ type character goes badly wrong and they escape down a builders shoot in New York and come out the other end in Macau, China into the hands of a new techno wizz kid wrong’un! Who is the bad guy?, Who’s on the good side? It all turns in on itself many times like a coiling reptile with big set pieces, reveals and high drama like the best magic should with the years starriest cast.

    Time – 129 mins; Certificate – 12A

    Tagline – ‘Reappearing June 30th – You Haven’t Seen Anything Yet’.

    THE GAY UK FACTOR – Dave Franco the youngest of the horseman is just so damn cute and hot we just want to make magic babies with him all day and night. If you can watch this movie and not think about his ass all the time then you are better than us. As an added bonus Harry Potter himself Daniel Radcliffe turns up and boy is he starting to look a real hottie – Expelliramus, the boy has become a man

    Cast – Well known as the biggest starriest cast of the year with Jessie Eisenberg, Woody Harrelson, Mark ‘The Hulk’ Ruffalo, Michael Caine, Morgan Freeman, Franco, Ratcliffe and the sexiest thing to ever come out of Devon the Divergent star Ben Lamb

    Key Player – This is Jessie Eisenberg’s film, The Social Network star has turned into an actor that draws the eye away from everyone in all the movies he is in. He is a true star here.

    Budget – $90 Million mostly in star wages but only made 65 mil back. A huge chunk of the film is located in China matching the current trend from films such as Transformers etc to directly target the huge Asian box office which may help this film’s figures.

    Best Bit – 0.58 mins; A break in to a high-tech facility which requires an extensive slight of hand set of tricks with a single playing card involving all five magicians.

    Worst Bit – Two huge problems firstly Isla Fisher is greatly missed as the female horseman and Harrelson’s twin character here does not fit and really annoys in every scene he is in and as for his hair and facial hair ? – it’s just some rubbish casting.

    Little Secret – Isla Fisher had to be replaced and the story rewritten due to pregnancy.

    Movie Mistake – Lot’s; The Dallas skyline is used for the second safe scene supposedly in China, The FBI’s GPS seems to be on the blink and pointing at all sorts of places in London rather than Greenwich as it should be and as for the Dave Franco doing the public street three card trick in Covent garden at the same time as hypnotizing a key character in Greenwich well now that is real magic!

    Further Viewing – Now You See Me 1, The Illusionist, The Prestige, Harry Potter and the Goblet Of Fire, Hugo, Legend and The Great Houdini.

    Any Good – Well it is all pretty confusing and don’t even consider it if you have not seen the first film. Basically this just isn’t as good as the original which was fresh, fun and exciting this seems like a straight forward repeat film without the fizz – a magic trick that just doesn’t really come off.

    Rating – 66/100 (66th out of the last 100 films reviewed with 1 being Gay UK heaven and 100 being pants)

  • FILM REVIEW | The Secret Life Of Pets

    THE SECRET LIVES OF PETS – Is this the best film of the year? A modern animation film with as much appeal for adults as kids – just like Pixar used to be with added heart and more laughs per minute than Mrs Brown’s Boys or Ab Fab.

    Nutshell – A group of pets have one hell of a day when their owners are out at work. Centred largely around two dogs that via a chain of events get themselves lost across New York and then fall in with some very bad animals indeed. The rescue is on from another hound in love. He meets, an overweight cat, some birds and a rodent and it is pure happiness from start to finish.

    You will laugh in the first thirty seconds and still be splitting your sides 90 minutes later.  Let’s make it simple; this is a classic and a must see. In this depressing Summer. This film is the tonic we all need and then some. Bloody fantastic.

    Time – 90 mins; Certificate – U

    Tagline – ‘Ever wonder what your pet’s do all day?’.

    THE GAY UK FACTOR – Don’t be sick, if you’re into animals in that way move on now. This is simply the best fun you can have with your clothes on.

    Cast – Voice cast of quality rather than pointless star names for the sake of it. Albert Brooks, Kevin Hart, Louis CK, Dana Carvey and Steve Coogan.

    Key Player – Cinco Paul, Ken Daurio and Brian Lynch the three writers that give us a fresh, fun, laugh out loud, thrilling and exciting story that all this year’s live-action blockbusters have failed to do.

    Budget – $75 Million only opened in a couple of European territories but we expect it to make over $150 million and climbing in a month then there are DVD sales, TV Deals, toy sales and a million other memorabilia marketing possibilities after all this is the team behind the Despicable Me series and look what they did with that Minions brand.

    Best Bit – 0.01 mins; Which is when you first realise how good this movie is going to be but we could have picked any of the 90 minutes right through to the superb Bill Withers song climax set piece.

    Worst Bit – There isn’t one. There we said it. Maybe if you don’t like snakes, there is a dark sequence in the middle that will leave you squirming.

    Little Secret – 2016 will go down as the best year for animation in history ironically in a year that has been largely rubbish for live action. With Zootropolis, Kung Fu Panda, Angry Birds, The Jungle Book, Ice Age and Finding Dory plus more to come all hitting really big the animated Oscar race will be cutthroat we presumed it was a shoe-in for Zootropolis, but now it is probably handing the trophy over to these furry critters.

    Movie Mistake – There is never any mistakes in animation just loads of opportunities for fun inserts, and here we have a lot of references to characters from the studios megahit Despicable Me series as well as posters on buses etc. for their forthcoming movie releases like Sing – never miss a chance for a few subliminal advertising guys.

    Further Viewing – Monsters Inc, Toy Story 3, Babe, Finding Nemo, Shrek, Zootropolis, The Jungle Book, The Lion King and anything else from Disney/Pixar or Dream Works with four legs.

    Any Good – Well Yessss! Hopefully, by now you will have got the message that this is unmissable. If you own a pet of any sort or love animals, then you will get even more out of this. Take your niece, your nephew, the noisy kid from next door but whatever you do go and see the most lovable group of animals since Mowgli set foot in the jungle or Babe learnt how to herd sheep.

    Rating – 6/100 (6th out of the last 100 films reviewed with 1 being Gay UK heaven and 100 being pants)