THEGAYUK

Author: Paul Stag

  • FILM REVIEW | Thor Ragnarok

    THOR RAGNAROK – The Third official Thor film stays largely in outer space this time and is all the better for it and this time he has the Hulk for company too.

    Nutshell – Our hero loses a battle against his evil Sister Hela and is imprisoned across the galaxy with evil brother Loki (What a family!) on a gladiatorial planet where his next opponent is a truly p*ssed off Incredible Hulk his former Avenger mate. He has to escape the inescapable planet, travel 100,000 miles and defeat the uber b*tch to save his home planet of Asgard but he is way too late and whose side is Loki actually on?

    Running Time – 130 minutes; Certificate – 12A.

    Tagline – ‘No Hammer, No Problem’ yes the big hunk of spunk loses his massive weapon for the whole of this movie.

    THEGAYUK Factor – Chris Hemsworth taking his shirt off over and over again here and his body is better than ever. This Aussie studfukka is top of most guys wank bank list just ahead of his equally hot younger brother (see below) and you get Idris Elba too here in a very very tight top.

    Cast – Chris ‘Come to bed eyes’ Hemsworth aided and abetted by a bunch of superstars including Tom Hiddleston, Cate Blanchett, Mark Ruffalo, Idris Elba, Anthony Hopkins, Jeff Goldblum, Benedict Cumberbatch now that is one serious cast and a huge load of hot talent.

    Key Player – The whole cast of Guardians Of The Galaxy‘s 1 & 2 who have added humour to the Marvel Universe without getting cheesy. The massive success of those 2 movies since the last muddled Thor film are present in the ingredients here; this film is so funny and comes out like Guardians 3 and that is a very good thing indeed…now if we can only get the Guardian’s Chris Pine and Hemsworth in the same film we will never watch gay porn again.

    Budget – $180 Million as there is no such thing as a cheap Marvel or DC Comic film these days as they all make huge amounts of cash (Unless they are called The Fantastic Four). This will make as much as any of them and set up next May’s Avengers Civil War which could easily be the biggest film of all time.

    Best Bit – 0.49 mins; The big gladiatorial battle been Thor and Hulk finally kicks off and boy is it good and with real threat as Hulk is a real bad boy here. The battle looks really nasty and Thor seems like a real gonna. Don’t be late as the pre-credits action scene in Ragnaroks hell-like dungeon is just as good.

    Worst Bit – 0.14 mins; The pointless and overly stylised appearance of Doctor Strange (Benedict Cumberbatch) is just unnecessary and comes over like showboating by Marvel studios which sometimes seem a bit cameo happy.

    Little Secret – On the subject of cameos in one scene where we get Matt Damon, Sam Neill and Chris Hemsworth’s hot sexy little brother Liam Hemsworth all appear. Thor’s hammer is smashed here and he doesn’t get it back and won’t it is gone for good. The original Hammer destruction scene was meant to be in New York with Brisbane standing in and can be seen in the trailers but the director changed it to a random field at a later date in re-shoots which is what makes it into the film.

    Further Viewing – Guardians 1 & 2 and anything else from the Marvel universe to start with but as this is the comic book film set entirely in space it also reeks of the Star Wars prequels too which is definitely no bad thing so try The Phantom Menace, Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith also.

    Any Good – This is a very good Marvel film and a step up from Wonder Woman and Doctor Strange and it is also the best Thor chapter yet. You get Thor with sexy long hair and even sexier short hair all for your £8 ticket price. Yet It is the humour that makes it special of course there is a tonne of action and visual effects but Thor sure owes those Guardians a drink or two.

    Rating – 80% out of 100.

     

    Pre-Order from Amazon | iTunes

  • FILM REVIEW | Kingsman: The Golden Circle

    KINGSMAN: THE GOLDEN CIRCLE – The camp as Christmas Jason Bourne/James Bond piss take is back for number two with big laughs, endless extreme bloodshed and more anal sex jokes again.

    FILM REVIEW | Kingsman: The Golden Circle

    Nutshell – Eggsy and the sexy as fu*k Merlin (The shaggable Mark Strong) go on the run after Julianne Moore and her henchmen totally destroy the Kingsman spy organisation. So it’s off to Kentucky in the USA to meet the even bigger and better Statesmen organisation of great looking spies like Channing Tatum and Halle Berry, cue car chases galore, gadgets, robo attack dogs and the kidnap of Elton John via Glastonbury, The Alps and Cambodia in the sequel twice as explosive as the first.

    Running Time – 141 minutes;

    Certificate – 15.

    Tagline – ‘Reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated
    The Gay UK Factor – Taron Egerton – fit, Mark Strong – masculine, Pedro Pascal – Hairy Latin stud, Channing Tatum – Uber fit and loads of other thugs and good guys that no-one would kick out of bed – this is a true wank fest.

    Cast – Egerton, Strong, Pascal and Tatum are backed up by Colin Firth (didn’t he die in the first one?), Keith Allen, Julianne Moore, Halle Berry, Michael Gambon, Jeff Bridges and Elton John with a real major part so plenty here to keep you occupied – how big will the cast be in part three and will Bennie and Jet the Robodogs be back?

    Key Player – Matthew Vaughan the director and man behind Kick-Ass, The X-men, Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, Eddie The Eagle etc is a master at mixing light content with bouts of extreme gore and action and he has the perfect vehicle here. He also writes the film here alongside Jane Goldman (Mrs Jonathon Ross) and their endless invention is here for all to see and boy is it giving the fans what they want.

    Budget – $104 Million way up on the first film and its cash registers are ringing like crazy making that back in just 5 days so it is off into the land of mega profit from now. This is a big hit and some.

    Best Bit – 1.31 mins; A breathtaking assault on an Alpine mountaintop stronghold climaxing in a truly stunning cable car sequence one of the best action beats of the year and it even beats the opening London Taxi fight/chase which is as good as any sequence of the Summer but the film just gets better as it goes on .

    Worst Bit – 0.21 mins; Julianne Moore as the bad guy who has a thing for Grease style 1950’s Americana and her HQ is a Fonzie/Happy Days style diner is just not nasty enough even though she does have a mean trick of putting her enemies through a burger mincer – she is a bit like a fourth division Bond villain when we needed a nasty as f*ck Blofeld type.

    Little Secret – There just having fun here but this movie stars a mega five Oscar winners in Firth, Berry, Moore, Bridges and Elton the latter for The Lion King. The original film length was over 3 hours 40 minutes which would have made it the longest blockbuster of the Millenium and beating Titanic/Avatar & any Lord Of The Rings film until the Studio insisted on cuts. This is Elton’s 21st acting credit and by far his biggest, he has starred in everything from SpiceWorld, Tommy and Bob The Builder in the past but here he gets to kick butt instead of shagging it.

    Further Viewing – Kingsman 1, James Bond circa Roger Moore, Spy, Austin Powers, The Bourne Identity, Kick-Ass, Carry On Spying and The Johnny English films.

    Any Good – Matthew Vaughn said if you didn’t like the first one you are gonna really hate this one and likewise we believe the converse is just as correct. More of the same just bigger and brasher all in all not as good as the number one but isn’t that normal with sequels.

    Rating – 69% out of 100.

  • FILM REVIEW | It

    IT – The big horror movie of the year is here as we welcome back Stephen King‘s homicidal shapeshifting sewer dwelling killer clown so what does this mean for the larger world of scary movies?

    FILM REVIEW | It

    Nutshell – From the original 80’s blockbuster book through the very popular two-part TV series in 1990, our favourite grinning red helium balloon fan is once again crawling out of the gutter to terrorise a new raft of dysfunctional kids. Set in classic small-town Stephen King’s Ville, this hugely anticipated thrill-fest sees the youngsters slowly work out why their town is the world’s hotspot for missing kids and decide that Pennywise needs to have that fu*king smile wiped off his smug face once and for all.

    Running Time – 135 minutes; That is the longest butt-numbing horror film we can ever remember.

    Certificate – 15

    Tagline – ‘You’ll Float Too” & “It Comes In Many Forms” is the best they could come up with really?

    THEGAYUK Factor – All the heroes are kids and the villain is a murdering bugger so unless you jerk off to clowns playing with balloons then save the man gravy for the muscle studs in the upcoming Kingsman, Thor, Jumanji and Bladerunner.

    Cast – Bill Skarsgard plays Pennywise and his most famous appearance to date is in the unsuccessful Atomic Blonde. Everyone else are newbies – this is not a star vehicle as the book and concept take that role, that will change with the adult sequels.

    Key Player – Stephen King probably the world’s most famous writer, whose books have been turned into classics like The Shining, The Green Mile and Stand By Me but just as many right wank rags such as The Mangler and The Dark Tower which make us shudder for all the wrong reasons.

    Budget – $35 Million and so far it has made back a whopping $189 Million and climbing, parts 2 and 3 are already in the works expect that budget to start going way up and returns to fall as severe disappointment kicks in.

    Best Bit – 0.07 mins; The keynote scene of a young lad losing a toy boat down a large water drain and coming face to face with the never-blinking clown of everyone’s nightmares and then it gets really nasty.

    Worst Bit – 1.45 mins; Basically anything in the last third is not brilliant and sometimes laughable. Nothing is quite as scary as that opening scene and as the CGI takes over and the baddie turns up everywhere and in every shape, this becomes as realistic as a steroided muscle mary’s stuffed jockstrap – this could have been so much better.

    Little Secret – Bill Skarsgard was on set for the whole 32 week schedule but did not go in front of the cameras until the 18th week. Yes the clown is in it that little! This is the original story where the kids’ “The Losers Club” face Pennywise for the first time, they then have to face him again as adults hence the first sequel due 2019. Jessica Chastain is up for one of the parts and they also want sex gods Chris Pratt and Jake Gyllenhaal too.

    Further Viewing – The Shining, Thinner, The Green Mile, Pet Semetaries 1 & 2, The Stand, Carrie, Christine, Children Of The Corn, The Mist, The Running Man; basically any of the 43 King adaptations you can find but maybe not that last Arnie one.

    Any Good – This is so similar to the original film and book that the first question is why bother and no Tim Curry this time. Its problem is that it is just not scary and so very very long. It was truly anticipated and the box office should lead to a wealth of new big-budget horrors next year and beyond and not just the cheapie Saw, Purge, Paranormal & killer dolls we have had to suffer lately. Just expect huge diminishing returns and disappointment to this franchise.

    Rating – 48% out of 100.

  • FILM REVIEW | War For The Planet Of The Apes

    WAR FOR THE PLANET OF THE APES – The third and final part of the revamped ape apocalypse trilogy and this time the humans are definitely the bad guys in an all out battle royale for dominance of the position at the top of the food chain and planetary dominance.

    FILM REVIEW | War For The Planet Of The Apes

    Nutshell – The story of Caeser who we have followed from domesticated scientific experiment to the leader of the ape population in the forests above San Francisco and beyond. After a skirmish where the apes bear insufferable losses they decide on a massive exodus to safer climes. Unfortunately, the humans want the ape threat destroyed for good and a huge new baddie in the burly shape of Woody Harrelson’s The Colonel is in their way leading to the ultimate showdown as the two species go for World War Three.

    Running Time – A bum numbing 140 minutes; Certificate – 12A.

    Tagline – ‘For Freedom, For Family, For The Planet’

    The Gay UK Factor – Unless you are into bestiality or have a thing for bears over at XXL or BRUT hairy men’s clubs then it is down to the humans and luckily there is loads of them and everyone is in uniform. There is a lot of muscle here and it is all sweating and grunting a lot, our top three military men were Chad Rook, Dean Redman and Steve Baran – drop and give us twenty as we will be lying underneath.

    Cast – Woody Harrelson is the main human draw and all the other main actors are green screen/motion capture monkey performers all covered in lycra golf ball suits and digitised out. Lead by Andy Serkis, Tony Kebbell and animal character specialist Steve Zahn.

    Key Player – These are Andy Serkis’s movies and he is almost in every scene here. You start to forget he is a human on a sound stage and get drawn into the incredible emotional arc he goes through here from extreme grief, through anger, leadership, cunning, despair and a trilogy climax that will leave you emotionally wrought.

    Budget – $150 Million the priciest ape film of all time and clearly it has been money well spent judging by its strong Box Office. This title will probably continue somehow in a new direction to keep reaping the cash in.

    Best Bit – 0.15 mins; A great nighttime waterfall fight scene which sets up the events of the whole movie and establishes exactly how much of a total bastard and probably hard shagging top the Colonel is.

    Worst Bit – 0.57mins; The introduction of the biggest new monkey character ‘Bad Ape’ largely for comedy purposes than any plot development is annoying in a poor man’s Gollum sort of way.

    Little Secret – The entire film seems to form a bridge between its obvious predecessors and the original Charlton Heston series of movies from 50 years ago. Names of characters, references to the atomic bomb, production values, the introduction or a de-evolving disease in humans etc all have a purpose in this and pay special attention to the Orang Utang who seems to be the biggest link of all. The attacking soldiers in the big battle here are fully covered from head to toe and the director has indicated that this may be because they are apes which will blow everyone’s concepts apart.

    Further Viewing – There are 8 other ape movies (And a great cartoon TV series) to enjoy or endure depending on which you pick ranging from the superb original in 1968 or alternatively beneath, conquest, dawn, battle, rise or escape basically any verb you choose to put in front of the ‘Planet Of The Apes’ monicker but avoid the Mark Wahlberg one at all costs.

    Any Good – The modern trilogy has been consistently good and this is probably the best yet and the perfect closer to this set of films. We know there will be more probably spin off’s or further tales of other groups but this story is done and Serkis has left the franchise… but as he was a digital character all bets might be off on that.

    Rating – 72% out of 100

     

  • FILM REVIEW | Baby Driver

    BABY DRIVER – The surprise hit of the summer, The UK’s very own Edgar Wright takes on the American car chase genre and makes an absolute film classic… all to an endless hit music soundtrack.

    FILM REVIEW | Baby Driver

    Nutshell – Baby is a 22-year-old driver for crime kingpin Doc and he does it all to pounding music to drown out his tinnitus hearing problem and he has been doing it since he learnt to wipe his own butt. He meets a love interest waitress and sees a way-out but escaping his crime world will prove a lot harder than he hopes… cue heists, exciting four-wheel action, plenty of gunplay and huge stunts and boy is it massively enjoyable.

    Running Time – 135 minutes; Certificate – 15.

    Tagline – ‘All You Need Is One Killer Track’

    THEGAYUK Factor – Jon Hamm is well known for allegedly having the biggest appendage in Hollywood and this is his best breakthrough movie. There are many scenes where you get to see this weapon of ass destruction in full view in all the action beats and boy is this one eyed trouser-snake distracting. There are some big firing weapons on show here but it’s obvious who has the biggest ‘gun’.

    Cast – Ansel Elgort stars alongside a mega supporting cast including Kevin Spacey, Jon Hamm, Jamie Foxx, Lily James and Flea from the Red Hot Chilli Peppers & BigBoi from Outkast continuing this Summer of celeb cameos following David Beckham, Paul McCartney and Harry Styles elsewhere.

    Key Player – Edgar Wright does everything here including writing, directing, producing and choosing all the music. The Dorset born cinematic genius from his Spaced/French & Saunders beginnings through Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz, TinTin, Antman & The World’s End has been leading up towards this his whole career – Simon Pegg will have to look for a new buddy now.

    Budget – $34 Million and boy it looks bigger than that on screen. So far in two weeks, it has made three times its costs with many territories still to be released in and this cult film will do mega-business on DVD, download and streaming which it is perfect for – A Hit Hit Hit!

    Best Bit – 0.05 mins; A tour de force of the most complicated very long running shot of all time as the lead walks around several blocks interacting with hundreds of extras all hitting exact beats of a Martha Reeves & The Vandellas Motown classic… very clever indeed and it sets you in the mood for a truly special experience.

    Worst Bit – 0.33 mins; The female lead, a waitress, who becomes the love interest has little presence, no back story and is the only weak link here. You don’t root for her or see what Baby sees in her… maybe a good looking lad like him should forget girls altogether and turn to the dark side… Originally this part was to be played by Emma Stone who bailed for Oscar glory in La La Land instead – good for her but shame for this film.

    Little Secret – Wright had this idea for years and first filmed it in a pop video for the band Mint Royale starring Noel Fielding. Noel appears in the clips at the start of the film and basically every clip on Baby’s TV as he flips through it actually details the final heist. There is so much like that for repeat viewing like all the vinyl records across the floor in the ransacked apartment are those on the film’s soundtrack and on and on the clever touches go here – this movie was not thrown together it was made with love.

    Further Viewing – Drive, Heat, Oceans 11, Snatch, Inside Man, Reservoir Dogs, The Italian Job, Usual Suspects and the greatest heist film of all time The Town.

    Any Good – This is simply f*cking great. Very funny, truly thrilling with more twists than a twisty turny thing and as entertaining as a pub lock-in with Graham Norton, Peter Kay and Lily Savage. In the midst of a sea of summer numbered sequels, this entertaining two hours in your local fleapit is a wholly fresh screenplay turned hip-as-hell movie.

    Rating – 91% out of 100.

     

    Order Baby Driver from Amazon | iTunes

     

  • FILM REVIEW | Pirates Of The Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales

    FILM REVIEW | Pirates Of The Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales – Captain Jack Sparrow is back for the fifth and final time in the search along with everyone else for Poseidon’s Trident which is the only thing that can save him from an army of zombie pirates.

    Nutshell – Orlando Bloom, Keira Knightley and all are back for one final time before setting sail into the sunset – God even Paul McCartney turns up too. The undead Captain Salazar escapes from the Devil’s Triangle which Jack Sparrow had trapped him in. He wants revenge by eliminating every pirate from the earth and Jack’s only hope is an artefact that gives full control over the seas – cue the mother of all chases across land and over and under the sea to tie up all the loose ends of 11 hours of fun films in this hugely successful franchise.

    Running Time – 129 minutes; Certificate – 12A.

    Tagline – ‘Dead Men Tell No Tales’ or ”All Pirates Must Die’

    THEGAYUK Factor – Orlando Bloom is one hot fukka with the second biggest peen in Hollywood to Jon Hamm allegedly but he goes missing for the middle of the film so the eye candy is taken up by young newbie Brenton Thwaites. Pirates are hot and we’re sure they enjoyed each other below decks as you can see in the recently released gay porn version of this franchise ‘Pirates’ from Men.com featuring UK Gay Porn megastar Paddy O’Brian shagging over the yardarm on a real pirate ship.

    Cast – Johnny Depp, Javier Bardem, Geoffrey Rush, Orlando Bloom, Keira Knightley, David Wenham & Kevin McNally.

    Key Player – Ever since the first movie when he was a supporting character these films are all now about Johnny Depp and here he has a lot more funny lines than normal – he also has this character down pat and really carries the weight of this massive movie.

    Budget – $350 Million making it one of the Top 10 most expensive films ever – $90 Million was added due to Depp’s divorce trauma’s, him busting his wrist and having to return to the States and that dog smuggling into Oz problem but it will still make a nice profit worldwide.

    Best Bit – 0.31 mins; A truly great bank heist that fits the tone of these films perfectly although it is ripped hook, line and anchor from the climax to Fast And Furious 5, but hey ho, it still works a treat. Don’t get distracted at the end of the epic stunt sequence at the bridge bit though as there is an awful blooper where six horses suddenly all disappear at once.

    Worst Bit – 0.42 mins; The David Wenham character representing the British Navy is not so much unnecessary but wholly obsolete and somewhat confusing and why does he want the Trident anyway?

    Little Secret – The Pirates’ films are the 9th most lucrative franchise of all time and this is the most expensive to date. After Keith Richard’s from the Rolling Stones as his dad here we get Paul McCartney from The Beatles playing Jack’s Uncle and singing Maggie Mae from the Let it Be Album. This was supposed to be the last Pirates ever but just this week they have announced number 6 and Keira Knightley will be back for the whole thing next time.

    Further Viewing – The Black Pearl, Dead Man’s Chest, At World’s End, On Stranger Tides for 11 hours of Jack madness plus Cutthroat Island, Blackbeard, Treasure Island, Hook and 10 years in the making Roman Polanski’s ‘Pirates‘.

    Any Good – It is basically a carbon copy of the first movie with bigger set pieces and more CGI. As that was the best one of the series and they have upped the humour here then this is definitely a return to form and is very welcome in that it is shorter too. All good fun but nothing really new here to be honest and it will get a bit lost in the midst of a very busy Summer of sequels.

    Rating – 65% out of 100.

     

     

  • FILM REVIEW | Baywatch, The Movie

    BAYWATCH – The ultimate Millenial Movie. The early 90’s TV phenomenon & biggest show in the World gets a big screen star-studded outing in a pretty rude, very sunny action adventure, fun fest – bring your own suntan lotion.

    Nutshell – Dwayne The Rock Johnson is the superstar lifeguard who has to put up with a cocky new recruit fallen Olympic swimming medalist whilst trying to solve a drug ring threatening to take over his beach. There is lots of male and female flesh on show, plenty of action beats, adult humour and stonking music plus appearances from all the TV show stars. It’s great time wasting fun no more no less.

    Running Time – 116 minutes; Certificate – 15.

    Tagline – ‘Don’t Worry Summer Is Coming’… fans will get it.

    THEGAYUK Factor – REALLY – we mean REALLY???, two of the hottest men on planet earth topless for two hours and backed up by some of the hottest studs in minor roles. The highlight should be a very sweaty Abs and muscle packed strength competition between Dwayne and Zac but actually, we had more trouble getting by Zac’s gorgeous blue eyes – oh they are so deep and blue!

    Cast – Dwayne The Rock Johnson, Zac Efron, Bollywood megastar Priyanka Chopra with added David Hasselhoff and Pamela Anderson of course.

    Key Player – This is The Rocks movie and although it is only partly successful it would really flounder without him. As always he can handle the comedy, action and acting with equal ease and boy is he easy on the eye for those into muscle and wait until you see the huge bulge in his trunks here !!!!

    Budget – $69 Million. It opened disappointedly on $18m but then jumped to $43m – It will clearly make a nice profit but maybe not the cash bonanza hoped for like the similar 21 Jump Street series.

    Best Bit – 0.35 mins; After the muscle-bound face off referred to above we instantly get a quad bike beach chase which is pretty thrilling with a great 360 degree shot it makes you think this movie will be superb….it’s not.

    Worst Bit – 0.42 mins; Anytime when the baddie on screen is a low point – she is about as threatening as Jeremy Corbyn with a nuclear button – we need less of her and more of The Rock.

    Little Secret – The Rock is the tenth professional wrestler to act in Baywatch as the TV series included the likes of Hulk Hogan, Shawn Michaels and Randy Savage. Pamela Anderson really did not want to appear in the film and only agreed to a non-speaking part. All the abusive boy band names Johnson’s character calls Efron’s throughout were given to him by Zac himself including calling him ‘High School Musical’ the film that made Efron famous.

    Further Viewing – Baywatch TV series all 220 episodes between 1989 – 2001, 21 and 22 Jump Street, Snatched, Dragnet, Dukes Of Hazzard, Starsky & Hutch and CHIPS but the last one at your own risk.

    Any Good – The ultimate OK movie – nothing wrong with it but nothing spectacular either, one thing is for certain this should have been better. The characterisation is great and you root for the whole life-saving team so credits for the casting, but why is the baddie so camp like a Joan Collins, Dynasty pastiche. You wont want your money back but you wont be talking about it later either. Disappointing

    Rating – 46% out of 100.

  • The big gay ultimate summer blockbuster chart 2017

    It’s the most important time of year in the movie calendar where the studios release their biggest hitters and in three months make the money to keep them going all year.

     

    Jan through March we get the serious Oscar type movies but they don’t make a lot of dosh, May to Sept we get the big-grossing films and in between, we get all the rest. So here we rank in order of who we predict will have the biggest erections and who will be Mr Floppy in what is expected to be the biggest movie season of all time and boy are there a lot of studs around on the big screen this year from Zac Efron to Channing Tatum via Harry Styles and David Beckham.

    20 The Emoji Movie – Expected Box Office 45 million – The Lego movie takes on Angry Birds and will probably underwhelm… majorly

    19 King Arthur – 55 million – Guy Ritchie and David Beckham go gangster in Camelot and miss massively – more saggy balls than golden balls.

    18 Churchill – 70 million – Brian Cox does the big man in a wartime thriller movie rather than Bio. Expect an acting masterclass from Cox and Miranda Richardson

    17 Bladerunner 2019 – 80 Million – 30 years later with Ryan Gosling this time joining an ageing Harrison Ford to up the sex appeal

    16 Valerian & The City Of A Thousand Planets – 95 Million – Cara Delavingne in Luc Besson’s sci-fi action fight fest – a whole new definition of camp has arrived

    15 Baby Driver – 100 Million – Jon Trousersnake Hamm in the star-studded getaway driver actioner. Including Jamie Foxx, Kevin Spacey and members of the Red Hot Chilli Peppers.

    14 The Dark Tower – 105 Million – The franchise starter of the 7 book Stephen King diatribe – but have they got it right? Idris Elba in cowboy gear – where are the tissues?

    13 It – 110 Million – The most anticipated horror of the year – is this clown the new Freddy Krueger? No stars or big name director but this story has grown in notoriety and sequels have already been green lit with Theresa May like confidence.

    12 Dunkirk – 120 Million – Christopher Nolan does History but have we seen this before too many times & only a week after Apes isn’t wise. Tom Hardy looks great here though and this is Harry Styles’ debut so we are in.

    11 Alien Covenant – 130 Million – Our favourite nasty Xenomorph returns for the 8th time with teeth of steel for the blowjob of death. Michael Fasbender runs around and sweats a lot

    10 Baywatch – 150 Million – Zac Efron and The Rock shirtless for two hours so sure to be the gay hit of the Summer – Life’s a beach and then you wank.

    9 Spiderman Homecoming – 170 Million – Yet another Spidey reboot for spandex fans and we have Iron Man, The Vulture & Captain America to increase the bulge level.

    8 Kingsman The Golden Circle – 200 Million – A surprise hit 2 years ago and now Taron Eggerton has a bigger budget & two sex gods Mark Strong & Channing Tatum so hopefully at least one spy will get bummed.

    7 Wonder Woman – 210 Million – This will be the gay icon movie of this year or any other especially if Gail Gadot and Chris Pine get down to it – Finally the DC Comics Universe gets a bona fide hit.

    6 War Of The Planet Of The Apes – 260 Million – The simian franchise goes ballistic in their third movie with a superb baddie as Caesar and the monkeys are forced into real conflict with the humans.

    5 The Mummy – 300 Million –  Tom Cruise in a rare none sequel this year in an action-packed horror with Russell Crowe but Sofia Boutella as the bandaged one steals the film.

    4 Cars 3 – 350 Million – Pixar’s big movie of the year is a guaranteed hit as Lightning McQueen really starts to feel his age but it all ends well of course.

    3 Pirates Of The Carribean Salazar’s Revenge – 420 Million – Johnny Depp puts on the dreadlocks for the 5th and final time and Orlando Bloom is back (Hooray!) with his chest on show throughout.

    2 Despicable Me 2 – 475 Million – A really clever release date and it will be the first film ever to beat Pixar at the Summer Box Office – more Minions and loads of Michael Jackson music which the kids will love.

    1 Transformers The Last Night – 550 Million – Every Transformer film has made the Top 10 films in movie history and this one has the biggest budget yet so will hit like crazy despite the usual critics mauling (They hate these films as it underlines how powerless they truly are). The real guarantee is that it sells big in every territory especially the Far East which is a real problem for Star Wars and Mark Wahlberg

  • FILM REVIEW | Alien Covenant

    ALIEN COVENANT – The Eighth film in the franchise about the acid-bleeding Alien Xenomorph with the original director Ridley Scott back to pick up exactly after the end of the lukewarmly received Prometheus prequel with some repeat characters.

    Nutshell – 10 years after the events of Prometheus and sometime before the original Alien sequence of films a colony ship The Covenant is diverted to a potential paradise planet. Of course, it turns out to be anything but, leading to a turn of events & possible terrifying fate so a big escape is needed in this very noisy much more horror orientated movie than its sister film. It’s in many ways a greatest hits of the other seven films that result in something generally a lot less satisfying as it gets more and more complicated… and there is a third one to come requiring university degrees

    Running Time – 122 minutes; Certificate – 15.

    Tagline – ‘The Path To Paradise Begins In Hell’.

    THEGAYUK Factor – It depends on how much you fancy Michael Fasbender as there are no other potential studs here. Michael does talk an awful lot about fingering, playing with holes etc but you will probably be too worried about what the aliens are up to around the corners to get a hard on.

    Cast – Michael Fassbender and Guy Pearce are back from Prometheus and are joined by Katherine Waterson, Billy Crudup, Danny McBride who has a distinct gay bear thing going on and a bunch of unknown alien acid teeth fodder. There is also an uncredited James Franco here the king of the gays.

    Key Player – Ridley Scott is the ruler of this world and he is in his element here. His set pieces are great but he struggles to really give us anything new and boy does he make it complicated. The big thing missing here is tension.

    Budget – $111 Million the most expensive alien yet and it’s sure to make a profit – we predict it rounding out at about 400 Mill in the bank so, on to number nine..

    Best Bit – 1.38 mins; The big action beat involving an out of control spaceship is top notch and this film works better as an action blockbuster than a horror and yet it was the latter it was aiming for!

    Worst Bit – 0.03 mins; The opening unconnected scene of Fassbender and Pearce in a white room is pure 2001 A Space Odyssey and is a load of b*llocks. Total Prometheus type crap brings on the monsters and the killing.

    Little Secret – Shot on location in Australia and New Zealand using some of the same locations as The Lord Of The Rings Trilogy. In 2015 Scott announced that this would be the second after Prometheus in a new Aliens trilogy for the third one please remember to bring a pen and notepad to sort it all out. The first alien movie since HR Giger whose images created the Alien past away.

    Further Viewing – Aliens 1-7, A couple of Predators, Blobs and The Things a plenty, Interstellar and the recent Arrival, Passengers and last months space horror Life.

    Any Good – This is fine it is no Alien or Aliens that’s for sure but it is way better than Prometheus as at least you get some monster action here throughout the second and third acts. The twist is one of the most obvious of all time but it is still a hugely enjoyable fun movie just don’t expect big scares – are we used to this by now or is it the fact that we just don’t care about any of the crew as there is no Sigourney in her underpants here. A valid addition to the franchise but not a game changer.

    Rating – 58% out of 100

  • Review – The Fate Of The Furious (FF8)

    Review – The Fate Of The Furious (FF8)

    FAST AND FURIOUS 8 – This record breaking, epic edition to the turbo boosted car based action franchise is the most entertaining movie of the last twelve months by a speeding mile.

    © Universal

    Nutshell – Dom (Vin Diesel) goes rogue, for unknown reasons, forcing the rest of our favourite car wrecking posse to chase across the world from Cuba to Iceland via Germany and New York to find out why he has dissed his extended ‘family’, save the world and defeat tech badass Charlize Theron. Jason Statham is now a good guy and there are two megastar surprise appearances that push this over the top to be one of the greatest popcorn movies of all time.

    Running Time – 136 minutes; Certificate – 12A; The ultimate guys movie but with something for everyone really.

    Tagline – ‘Family No More: The Ride Isn’t Over’ – It should be, ‘The best fun you can have with your clothes on’.

    TheGayUK Factor – So, so many hunks, bulging shirts and even bigger trouser bulges. Vin Diesel, The Rock and Jason Statham are three huge gay icons but you get so many other big studs including the hottest piece of new man flesh Scott Eastwood (Clint’s son) who is a pure 11 out of 10 in anyones book. So much testosterone and you just know that there is some ass action between all the motorised mayhem.

    Cast – Vin Diesel, Jason Statham, Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson, Charlize Theron, Scott Eastwood, Michelle Rodriguez, Kurt Russell and loads more big names plus those two great megastar cameos in the third act that will make your chin drop to the floor and get you whooping with delight.

    Key Player – Vin Diesel took over this dying franchise after the appalling number 3 and turned it into a James Bond crossed Heist huge star juggernaut which is starting to look like the most successful franchise of all time. With two more already in the works it should now surpass Harry Potter and The Lord of the Rings in the all time earning stakes – taking it third behind Bond and Star Wars in a fraction of the time and without having to change its stars, style and look along the way.

    Budget – $250 Million. One of the biggest budgets in movie history and it went into profit in just 4 days flat – not so much a gamble as the surest bet for your cash the world has ever seen. Yes, it beat Titanic, Avatar, Jurassic World & every Star Wars in its opening week and we expect it will run and run for months.

    Best Bit – 1.02 mins. So many to choose from but one never before seen set of car stunts invoked by Theron’s bad girl Cypher who remotely takes control of hundreds of cars and makes them speed around corners in unison and then causes it to start raining automobiles from above – sensational stuff.

    Worst Bit – 0.00 mins. For the first time in TheGayUK annals we have great pleasure in saying their truly isn’t a bad bit here.

    Little Secret – Star & Exec Producer Vin Diesel had a massive bust up on set with Dwayne Johnson which resulted in an extremely pointed public tweet where Johnson said he was finished with the series for good. He called Diesel out for being a chicken shit, unprofessional and a candy ass – an urgent 6 hour meeting was called to patch things up… for now.

    Further Viewing – Fast 1’s through 7, all the Bournes, all the Bonds, Ocean’s 11 through 13, Cannonball Run, Monte Carlo Or Bust, Ronin and 25 series of Top Gear plus Clarkson’s new The Grand Tour.

    Any Good – This is a magnificently fun film. When you look up Friday night popcorn entertainment in the dictionary from now on you will see 4 words, Fast & Furious 8. Five was incredible, Seven was off the hook and this is way better, funny, exciting, jaw dropping and so much more. Yes, we are going over the top, but we cannot remember the last time we threw our hands up in the air in the movie theatre and here we did twice, there was even a round of applause at the end. This is the movie of the year period and it’s only April yet.

    Rating – 100 out of 100.

  • 60 Second Film Review | Logan

    60 Second Film Review | Logan

    LOGAN – Wolverine the breakout star of the X Men universe in his tenth and final appearance – pitched as the Superhero film unlike any other and boy did they deliver that.

    Logan review
    Ben Rothstein-© 2017 Marvel. TM and © 2017 Twentieth Century Fox Film

    Nutshell – A few years after the last X-men movie, and Wolverine a.k.a. Logan, is now pretty ancient doing rubbish work. Hiding in the Southern states to finance the medicine an even older Professor X who is on his last legs, as it were, across the Mexican border. They get embroiled with a young girl who needs their help and a cross country chase ensues. This is less a superhero movie and closer to a Jason Statham or Rambo, Schwarzenegger style fight movie – against the odds and it gets very dark indeed.

    Running Time – 135 minutes;

    Certificate – 15; yes that is right this is not kids’ entertainment and closer to a Kick Ass movie.

    Tagline – ‘His Time Has Come’ and maybe others time has come too (spoilers).

    THEGAYUK Factor – Hugh Jackman’s shirt is off an awful lot here and boy is the Aussie hunk looking pumped up and lean in all the right places. Loads of sweaty man on man fight action too as you always get in this genre and it could be the most masculine superhero film ever. No hetero love interest also helps it along here.

    Cast – Hugh Jackman who has made Wolverine his own for 18 long years, Patrick Stewart, the hunky Boyd Holbrook, Richard E Grant old Withnail himself on villain duty and Stephen Merchant gets out of the Office and away from Ricky Gervais for a couple of hours in the Marvel universe.

    Key Player – Jackman does what he always does and does it well but the real star here is Patrick Stewart. This film requires some serious acting rather than action chops and Stewart is one of the best at sucking every drop of emotion out of a scene.

    Budget – $97 million which is cheap for a Marvel tentpole and it made six figures and climbing in its first week so like all superhero films the profits are going to be huge.

    Best Bit – 1.50 mins; At last we get some superhero action and it is thrilling and well worth waiting for although short. Always good to see the baddies who are pretty out there here get their comeuppance in creative ways.

    Worst Bit – 0.45 mins; This is a very long film (The second longest X-men to date) and it sags a bit in the middle with a drawn out casino segment, garage segment and then a farm segment all with valid individual plot points but it really stretches the movie and makes it pretty episodic.

    Little Secret – This is the last film in which Hugh Jackman will play Wolverine. He has cited his age and his skin cancer as factors in him retiring from the role. The first Marvel film to not have an end credit scene and also no Stan Lee cameo. All very different.

    Further Viewing – X Men, X 2, The Last Stand, Origins, First Class, Wolverine, Days Of Future Past, Deadpool & Apocalypse the entire clawed heroes canon plus everything else that starts with the Marvel or DC logo plus every 80’s man against the odds fight film.

    Any Good – Make no mistake this is brutal stuff with gore a plenty and very adult themes. It is a very entertaining movie and truly thought provoking but with the exception of the last 20 minutes in no way is this a superhero movie as we have come to know them. Therefore alter your expectations accordingly to avoid disappointment and then you will love this for what it is… an out and out drama and a fitting climax to Logan Scissorhand’s story.

    Rating – 73% out of 100