THEGAYUK

Category: Comment

  • Dating apps make men unhappy and provide a platform for racism

    Do dating apps give men body image concerns and lower self-esteem?

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    Glen Jankowski, Leeds Beckett University

    As the dating app Tinder turns five, new research shows men who regularly use the app have more body image concerns and lower self-esteem.

    The research found Tinder users reported lower levels of satisfaction with their faces and higher levels of shame about their bodies. And users were also more likely to view their bodies as sexual objects.

    This is hardly surprising given that Tinder’s “evaluative factors” have the potential to intensify preexisting cultural beauty ideals. The app’s “swipe right to dismiss” facility, along with the limited number of words a user can write on their profile means appearance take centre stage. In other words, the more conventionally attractive your photos are, the more likely you are to be clicked, swiped or hit upon by other users.

    But whether men use Tinder or not, most will report dissatisfaction with some aspect of their appearance. This could be anything from height, body hair, muscularity, skin tautness, shoe size, penis size, facial symmetry, head hair amount and more. Sadly there are few areas of the body men do not find fault with.

    The body beautiful?

    Over the last few decades, boys’ and men’s appearances have come under increasing scrutiny. This is largely because in the 1980s businesses finally started exploiting a relatively untapped market: the appearance insecurities of men.

    To demonstrate – today men are sold anti-cellulite cream for their pecs, hair transplants for their facial hair and “manscara” for their eyes. Then there are the boys’ action dolls that have gained muscle and lost body fat with each successive edition. Add this to the fact that 80% of the men featured in popular media such as Men’s Health magazine are of a muscular body build – with many of these models taking drastic measures in the weeks leading up to photos shoots to make sure they look lean.

    These models also tend to have a full head of hair and symmetrical faces. The same goes for porn sites – where almost all of the men featured are equally ripped and stereotypically “handsome”.

    Love your selfie.
    Shutterstock

    It’s unsurprising then that boys today feel they are growing up in a world which focuses heavily upon their appearance. Of course, this is a problem that has plagued women and girls for decades. And in the way that this has impacted girls for so long, now this pressure is impacting on boys’ well-being. One recent study found almost one in five boys had resorted to diet pills, purging, skipping meals, steroids or tanning products to change their appearance.

    White washing

    But beyond appearance pressures, dating apps are doubly damaging because they often operate in a sphere where sexual racism is commonplace.

    The dating app OKCupid recently analysed sexual racism among 1m of its male site users. The company found that compared to black, Asian or minority ethnic users, white users got more messages. White users were also found to be less likely to reply or match with users of a different race to themselves, and more likely to question interracial marriage.

    Online dating comes with its own rules, preferences and prejudices.
    Shutterstock

    Recent research from Australia also found that 15% of gay men on the dating app Grindr included sexual racism on their profiles. This was more likely to be the case if the profile user was white, and if the user held broader racist views.

    I too have noticed gay men who write offensive terms that specify race preferences on their profiles – such as “Black=block”, “no gaysians” or even “no chocolate or rice”. In its terms and conditions, Grindr bans offensive speech. Which is in part why, three years ago, I started a Twitter account, @GrindrRacism to encourage Grindr to remove offensive profiles. Disappointingly Grindr has often been slow to act though – meaning sexual racism is still present on the app.

    Dating elite

    Of course apps aren’t the cause of racism around sexual preferences. Instead like appearance pressures, users are influenced by what’s going on in wider society. By not tackling those problems in society, however, – for example cracking down on offensive speech – apps can act as enablers for racism and insecurity.

    So while in some ways, these apps have brought our dating lives into the 21st century – where casual sex is more accepted and where gay men can meet other gay men without being imprisoned – in other ways, they also remind me of the 1950s, a time when shops would hang “No Blacks” signs in their doorways and when magazines like Playboy relentlessly objectified women’s appearances.

    The ConversationUltimately given that more people are using dating apps than ever before, they need to work for everyone – not just those who are “attractive” or white.

    Glen Jankowski, Senior Lecturer in the School of Social Sciences, Leeds Beckett University

     

    This article was originally published on The Conversation. Read the original article.

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • COMMENT | A “Sassy Gay Republican” is being dragged over healthcare, but it’s his support for the alt-right which should concern us

    Life comes at you fast and furiously, as one gay conservative recently discovered following a horrifying auto collision.

    A Twitter user who called Alex, who bills himself “Sassy Gay Republican” went viral after establishing a GoFundMe campaign to help pay medical bills he alleges his insurance is unwilling to cover. This in itself is an all-too-common occurrence in the United States, where healthcare is not considered a fundamental right but a luxury.

     

    For argument’s sake, though, let’s assume everything Alex is saying is true, because it provides an interesting news angle into something the gay community needs to reckon with: the growing number of young, white gay men attracted to the far-right and neo-fascist movements.

     


    First, let’s clear something up. Debating Alex’s views on health care misses the wider point and is, in fact, a waste of time. He isn’t a hypocrite. Alex has said he is against state-funded healthcare but has no problem begging strangers online for a handout.

    American conservatives opposed to public health care contend that individuals are responsible for their own medical coverage, and charity (including crowdfunding on sites like GoFundMe) is one way to do that. The argument isn’t that people shouldn’t willingly pool resources to help one another, but rather that they shouldn’t be forced to pool resources through taxation, which is what socialised medicine requires.

    Regardless of what you think about the state’s role in providing healthcare (and I fundamentally disagree with Alex here), but he’s not a hypocrite. This is ideologically consistent.

     


    Yet debating this one point is to miss the forest for the trees. While this whole incident raises a lot of interesting questions – about healthcare, about the role of Twitter in political discourse, about the power imbalance between celebrities and the rest of us (Chrissy Teigan helped this story to go viral) – the most jarring question is why Alex is a Trump-supporting “redhat” to begin with. How did this young white gay man arrive at such a radically different worldview to the majority of our community and why do so many other young white gay men seem to be following down the same path?

    I touched on this earlier this year in an essay for my blog, The Curious American. It largely piggybacks off an article by Laurie Penny which discusses her experiences with Milo Yiannopolous – the standard-bearer for the gay hard right – and his acolytes. Since then, several other pieces have been written on the gay attraction to neo-fascist movements in the US, UK, and Germany. In an article for the New Yorker (which later appeared at The Cut), Maureen O’Connor explains that “gay men are remarkably prominent – if not exactly abundant – in the alt-right universe,” mentioning Yiannopolous, the journalist Chadwick Moore (whom I wrote about for the Independent in February), and “Twinks 4 Trump” founder and Gateway Pundit blogger Lucian Wintrich as standard bearers of this homofascist movement.

    O’Connor, as I did in my essay for The Curious American, links the gay appeal of the “alt-right” (which to be clear is really just doublespeak for far-right, neofascism, and white supremacy) to a hypermasculine yet camp aesthetic. It sounds paradoxical, but it makes perfect sense that hypermasculinists such as Trump would appeal to camp, flamboyant men like Yiannopolous and Wintrich who fetishise “Daddy” (as they call Trump) and Black men (in the case of Yiannopolous).

    In doing so, they knowingly play on the stereotype of Black men as “bulls” who are hypersexual and dominant – a trope that goes back to Jim Crow when Black men were painted as sexually predatory and a threat to white women and white womanhood. Meanwhile, other gay men swoon over the leader of the so-called “alt-right movement” Richard Spencer, who has been held up as a far-right sex symbol by even the mainstream media.

    Still, other gay men are attracted to the far-right movements currently gaining traction in the mainstream because of an innate Islamophobia. Trump and his ilk used the Pulse massacre – in which an American-born Muslim slaughtered 49 people at a gay dance club in Orlando – to stoke Islamophobia within the gay community. It worked remarkably well, not just in the United States, but abroad. As CNN reported earlier this month, many German gay men are turning to the hard-right Alternative for Germany (AfD) party because of anti-Muslim prejudice. The party opposes same-sex marriage, yet that doesn’t matter to their gay supporters who view Islam as a violent, existential threat to themselves.

     

    While ISIS clearly has some medieval views on homosexuality and routinely throws gay men off roofs, this is like comparing Ugandan Christians (who routinely execute LGBT people) to MIke Pence, whose own evangelical beliefs are used to justify his opposition to LGBT equality. In America, the majority of Muslims think it’s fine to be gay – far outstripping their evangelical Christian counterparts.

    In Britain, the picture is bleaker – just over half of British Muslims polled think homosexuality should be illegal while most Christians have liberalised their views on homosexuality since 1990. But when you look at hate crime statistics, most anti-gay violence in the US, UK, and Germany is perpetrated by non-Muslims – complicating the argument that Islam is the greatest threat to Western gays, regardless of polled views.

    Which brings us back to Alex, whose tweets (two of which I’ve posted above) illustrate a deep but unwarranted Islamophobia. Whether this was the primary motivation for him to support Trump, I don’t know. After all, whilst he’s vehemently pro-Trump, he seems to oppose Vice President Mike Pence, who is notoriously homophobic and anti-gay.

     

    This really underscores a key point. Many of these gay men who are fascinated with the alt-right are turned off by traditional conservatism as defined by the Tory Party in the UK, Angela Merkel’s Christian Democrats in Germany, and the Republican establishment in the USA. That is a conservatism that plays on outright prejudices (making opposition to same-sex marriage a key platform, for example) whilst the “alt-right” – while nearly universally opposing LGBT civil rights – feigns acceptance and even borrows from gay culture (with the camp shtick of Yiannopolous and Wintrich and the hypermasculine ideal of others).

    Indeed, Alex himself, in a filmed diatribe released following his viral tweets, says that his sexuality isn’t an issue at Trump rallies. Yet this anecdote isn’t backed up by any polling data currently available: 59% of Trump supporters oppose same-sex marriage according to a Rasmussen poll from June. An NBC/Wall Street Journal poll earlier this month found only 37% of Trump voters back equal marriage.

     

    Alex is but one young man, but he is indicative of a larger trend of white gay men moving to the far right. His sudden viral fame provides an excellent jumping off point not to debate the merits of crowdfunded healthcare but rather to ask ourselves, as a community, why so many of our young men are being drawn to a decidedly anti-LGBT, anti-Muslim movement.

    This is something the wider LGBT community is going to have to grapple with over the coming years, and while I fully recognise I don’t present many answers here, I think it’s time we start talking about why young white gay men like Alex are radicalising, and what it means for the wider LGBT movement. Because right now, these alt-right gay men are driving the entire community towards a head-on collision with fascism.

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • COMMENT | LGBTQIAPK – Has it all gone too far?

    I am a 55-year-old gay man living in a small market town in Mid Devon. Until I made a move of around 10 miles, four years ago I had always been out and openly gay. I am not anymore.

    I live in a complex where everyone is over 50. Older people I have met here seem to talk about homosexuality as it is defined by the physical act as a preemptive to being disgusted. It is not about being gay which as a term encompasses a lifestyle and personality.

    As a single man, moving to a new place, I did not feel the need to define myself. The people where I live are generally not looking for a partner or to hook up and so my sexuality was assumed by them, and I did nothing to contradict what they thought of me.

    I had known pride in being gay. I am proud of being around during a time of change for gay rights. I am proud to have equal rights. There comes a time though to move on, to integrate and to consolidate.

    I feel every time the “runaway bus” of the acronym LGBT+ adds a letter, it is a “nail in the coffin” of acceptance. It seems that for every step forward a new cause is added and another divide created.

    For me, it is about being gay. I am not the eternal campaigner. I feel every time the “runaway bus” of the acronym LGBT+ adds a letter, it is a “nail in the coffin” of acceptance. It seems that for every step forward a new cause is added and another divide created.

    By inclusion, I am excluded. In the past, I could explain to people I was gay and get their acceptance. Now because of the marketing of LGBT+ and the media, it feels difficult to be a standalone gay as it comes with the baggage of so many deviances as to be abhorrent to an average person.

    After so many years is it not the time to give it a rest? To stop ramming sexuality down the throat of the heterosexual masses. (The pun was intended for effect)

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • COMMENT | Gay men need to stop saying we’re “over hill at 30”

    Over the Hill at 30? What EVAH!

    I chose this subject forgetting what my age was. I snuggled down this evening under my crocheted blanket a friend made while l sipped on a camomile tea and thought about going over the hill.

    The truth is l am. I’m heading towards 43. Bear with me and I might be able to explain it within this rambling.

    You young ones can bugger off. Thirty isn’t over the hill. Thirty is the becoming of age. Your teen years through to the 20s are the ones where you are young, dumb and full of cum and self-exploring with what you actually like, dislike and what you won’t do. Home economics lessons never taught you all you needed to know about life in the kitchen. Who knew a strawberry soufflé could be so erotic while chomping down on an artic roll was not. We experimented. For me, a cucumber was best left as an extra to a Pimms and only good for the eyes you see through and not the one you sit on.

    Heading towards my 43rd year I am plagued by creaking joints, a nerve in my arm that when it flares up I am in pain like I have never known for about 5 weeks and a decade of drinking sports drinks by the litre a day and sniffing poppers, while it hasn’t damaged my kidneys, I certainly wouldn’t be able to sell them on the black market. Occasionally I do wake with a mid-lower backache. My hair thankfully is my own with a flick grey here or there and I am able to cut my own toenails. Just.

    But then there is the other thing that you get when you become 40 and over the hill. That’s contentment. If you have made the right choices, had a shit load of fun on the way but always kept an eye on the long-term outcome, you will find happiness within yourself. That there in itself is an ultimate goal. An undervalued goal too when I have spoken to youngsters about their hopes, dreams and aspirations. If you have to aim low, then do so. You’ll achieve more that way.

    If you are lucky to have someone else, hopefully, it will be with them too. However as l have witnessed, if the significant other doesn’t have their eyes looking forward they can succumb to the all too familiar feelings of failure and ultimately bugger off looking for something that actually might not be there because had they turned around, they would have found it. Moral of the story is, become content as fast as possible.

    So this leaves you in your 3rd decade of life. I wouldn’t go back there again. I’m not bloody stupid. But I wouldn’t want to miss out on anything that I did. I feel I achieved more than enough through that 3rd decade.

    Drinking copious amounts of vodka was quite normal back then. A litre bottle in one sitting was quite the norm. The hangovers were never as savage as they are now. You didn’t do quite as many stupid things as you did in your 20s while fuelled up but you will do more than you will in your 40s. You’ll also be able to afford the better quality vodka and not the cheap tasting battery acid for the all-night offy. Being asked for ID is a thing of the past in your 30’s.

    Being asked for ID is a thing of the past in your 30s.

    You’ve got nightclubbing staying power babes, don’t you forget it. You’ve hit the clubs so many times, you know how to get high on the dance floor without using substances bought and sold in the toilets. You can choose your songs carefully, dance your socks off and then head to the bar when the key changes to something from One Direction. You may find you have a liking for OD later in life. I did with Tatjana “Santa Maria” I can’t stop dancing to it now. Back then l ruddy hated it.

    Beige is a colour you’ll only associate with a Greggs’ pasty and not comfy trousers or a fluffy warm pull-over with roll top neckline. Colours are to be played with. The 30s is about statements and having the experience and balls to go out there and show the world.

    You’ve also had love in the fast lane. If you do find lasting love in your 20s you’ll enjoy it more. 30s love comes with a level of maturity that you don’t have in your 20s. Going for coffee, art galleries and sigh seeing are things to enjoy. You wouldn’t dream of doing them in your 20s and I am not saying that you should. The mature human doesn’t want pissed up teens and 20 somethings ruining a stroll around Hyde Park and the V&A in London.

     

    So cock off with your hiding of age, admit what you are.

    Been there, done that and l tell you, there is nothing to be ashamed of.

    You will, however, disguise your age. Being a mature student I disguised my early 30s by being late 20s. The girls at uni were obsessed with age. Come 40 and you’ll start shouting it from the rooftops that you made it that far. So cock off with your hiding of age, admit what you are. Been there, done that and l tell you, there is nothing to be ashamed of. In truth, the girls I went to uni with are now all in their 30s and settling down having babies. None of them are out drinking like I was so two finger salute to you 20 something youngsters, those in the 30s can handle it more than you realise.

    And why can we handle it at 30? Because we are not over the hill. Our bodies heal just as fast. We have more cash in our pockets, WE have the nicer things. For my generation at least, we lived in different times. With each passing decade, it doesn’t always look like it becomes any easier for you lot.

    By 38 the peak of the hill is getting close and you can see the clouds at the top but you can still cram in a bucket load of life in those remaining 104 weeks of 30. You’re not over the hill yet so what are you waiting for? Go on, bugger off… enjoy yourselves.

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • 8 Ways to Survive Being a Sissy

    Performance artist Nando Messias shares some tips on how to survive when you’re an effeminate man.

    8 Ways to Survive Being a Sissy

    For more insights come see Where 4 Roads Meet: Death and the Sissy, showing at Toynbee Studios on the 12th of October. Tickets on sale now. 

    1. Pile on the makeup

    As war paint, like Quentin Crisp, “blinded by mascara and dumb by lipstick.” Don’t listen to the objections. No matter what you do, you will always look like a girl and you will most definitely always stand out. So have fun. As jeweller Harry Winston put it: “People will stare. Make it worth their while.”

    2. Wear a bold perfume

    Choose any of the following: Poison, Opium, Coco, Amarige, Angel or Insolence. Aromatics Elixir if you don’t like florals and Giorgio If you’re on a tight budget. I wear Fracas myself but you can’t have that because it’s mine. Anything with a huge sillage will do the job. Throw caution to the wind and douse yourself with gay abandon. The effect you want is that of an invisible protective shield around you. It might not ward off the haters but it should at least keep mosquitoes away in summer.

    3. Carry stiletto heels

    My strong advice is to wear stiletto heels on all occasions. Failing that, carry a pair in your bag at all times. The thinner the heel, the better. If in danger, run. Mind, you might stumble, so practice in advance. If you choose not to run, you can always use the heels as weapons.

    4. Wear a cape

    This is genuine advice I actually received from a police officer following a bashing I suffered once. “Next time,” he suggested, “wear a cape until you arrive at your destination.” A cape! A mother-fu*king, sodding, cape. As if A CAPE would make me any less conspicuous. Perhaps if I added a top hat and a walking stick, people might mistake me for Count Dracula and then I would fit right in, officer.

    5. Take taxis wherever you go

    Or, even better, hire a driver-bodyguard. You know you deserve one.

    6. Take self-defence classes

    But only in heels and makeup.

    7. Become a recluse

    Refuse to come out. You might become a legend like Greta Garbo or Maria Callas.

    8. Become an artist

    It’s worked for me and generations of effeminate men before me. I went down the performance art route myself and have been warmly embraced by a coterie of fabulous misfits I now call family.

    Somehow I seem to have survived as an effeminate man. Don’t erase your difference. Don’t try to fit into a mould. And whatever you do, stay safe and don’t let the bastards grind you down! Remember Madonna: “and if I fall, I get up again now, I get up again, over and over…”

    For more insights come see Where 4 Roads Meet: Death and the Sissy, showing at Toynbee Studios on the 12th of October. Tickets on sale now. 

    by Nando Messias

    Nando Messias‘ work straddles performance art, dance and theatre. His performances combine beautiful images with a fierce critique of gender, visibility and violence. He has performed at prestigious venues such as Hayward Gallery, V&A, Tate Tanks, Roundhouse, Royal Vauxhall Tavern, Tate Britain and ICA, among other spaces across the UK. He has also worked extensively on the international circuit.

  • Six totally terrible questions to ask gay people

    Ready those eye rolls…

    Which one of you is the girl????

    “Well, we have a rota. I do Wednesdays, Fridays and Sundays. He does the Mondays, Thursdays and Saturdays. On Tuesdays we both take a day off to chop wood.”

    The answer is as stupid as the question. Do these questions deserve sarcasm or genuine explanation? Is it really offensive to have bizarre remarks or questions thrown at you by straight people?

    1) Some of my best friends are gay:

    Yay! I’d shout it loud too if I had some gay best friends. We’re great to have around. We’re behind lots of the most innovative stuff going off in Britain. We design great clothes, produce great comedy, music, films, fiction and theatre. We’re often stylish and witty. We’re may actually be the new master race! Shouldn’t we let them be proud they’re our friends? Most modern women’s fiction characters have a gay best friend. We’re top of the must have list for 2012.

    2) How old were you when you knew you were gay?

    Well, ten out of ten for having an inquiring mind. I applaud this question. Not easy to answer always and it usually gets a stunned silence when I tell them I was 5. I like to quantify it too by explaining that lots of people don’t realise till they’re much older and there isn’t actually a rule. In fact, there’s not actually a need to define yourself as gay or straight or bisexual, unless you really want to or are backed into a corner by a gunman.

    3) So, which one of you two is the girl?

    Now, this is a complicated one. Who can blame them for asking? Do they mean sex or domesticity? Our sex lives are full of possibilities. Of course, we intrigue. People love to know what goes where. We can be as puzzling as a diagram for a flat pack wardrobe. It’s even more puzzling if we have fetishes or a dislike of penetrative sex or a non-conventional relationship. As for domestic arrangements go: sadly the average straight couple still fulfil lots of stereotypical gender roles. Childcare and household duties are still often predominantly female activities. Sure, people wonder which one of us can use the drill and which one can sew curtains. My partner and I are a real puzzle. I like to clean and he doesn’t. I can’t thread a needle and he can sew beautifully. We can, however, both cook well and are both quite nurturing. We can both happily do traditional men’s roles around the house too but power tools scare me. I watched too much Casualty as a teenager. He’s in charge of the drill.

    4) How did you know you were gay?

    Erm. Well, there are these things called men and I quite fancy them. So much so in fact that I want to have sex with them. That was pretty much a giveaway. The rest is history.

    5) So you gays all like Kylie/Musical Theatre/want to come on my hen party wearing a pink Stetson?

    We don’t all fit the clichés. Lots of us do and that’s fine. That’s how stereotypes develop. It’s fine to love Kylie, fine to want to drink Barcadi Breezers whilst wearing a pink Stetson and fine to be able to hum all the tunes to The Sound of Music. It’s also fine not to. I can hum the tunes. The other two are a big fat NO. We’re not all anally retentive clean freaks and we’re not all cute, camp or foppish. Life might be easier if we could all be compartmentalised and fitted neatly into our assigned boxes but it’s much more interesting that we don’t.

    6) Gays are so bitchy. Really?

    Well if you want that I can have a go. Fasten yourself in and I’ll begin.

    Maybe it’s better that people do ask. We should encourage dumb remarks and seemingly stupid questions. I’m a firm believer in there being no such thing as a stupid question. It’s much more dangerous to not ask and remain ignorant. It’s our opportunity to break down barriers and try to dent those stereotypes. We should be on a mission to inform. If we can be bothered. Otherwise, sarcasm helps.

  • THE UNDATEABLE GAY opens his Grindr in India…

    Last time on The Undateable Gay:

    In case anyone has forgotten, I was just about to be scalped by this Hijra woman who thought we were taking the piss. And as if by a prayer being answered, the traffic light turned green and off we zoomed. I breathed a sigh of relief and we finally arrived at our hotel.

    HOTEL HELLHOLE. I sincerely recommend that any visitors to Delhi avoid this establishment at all costs. To call it basic is doing the Sainsbury’s cheap range an injustice. It makes Sainsbury’s Basics look like the M&S Best of British range.

    As we stepped out of the taxi, (yes our luggage was still strapped to the roof, thank god), we were greeted by a couple of prostitutes. What a desirable neighbourhood. Tullene started panicking and I thought I was going to have to give her a slap.

    We were escorted to our room and as I stepped inside, I wanted to step back outside. The curtains were yellow, and the bedding… Well, I can’t even do justice to the bedding by using any English language.

    Desperate for a wee, I strolled into the bathroom and was greeted by a bucket.

    “We’ve got to get out of here!” I screamed.

    Little did I know that Tullene was already outside the door, luggage in hand with the same thought. We checked out of Aura and put ourselves in a tuk tuk.

    “Get us to the nearest IBIS!” We demanded.

    I think a tuk tuk journey is the perfect cure for constipation.

    Should you have that problem.

    If you ever venture to India, there is no other way to travel than a tuk tuk. But I advise you to cling on for dear life. And to say your prayers because they certainly know how to dodge in and out of traffic. In fact, I think a tuk tuk journey is the perfect cure for constipation, should you have that problem.

    After every journey in India, whether it be by car, tuk tuk or even walking, I looked up to the sky and thanked the Lord that I’d survived.

    Finally, in an IBIS, we felt safe. And we had WIFI. I was desperate to get on Grindr. I must confess, I thought they wouldn’t have this app in India because of the fact being gay is illegal.

    But I was blown away, (pardon the pun). In the space of being logged in for five minutes, I had twenty messages. I’m telling you now, my iPhone nearly crashed. My Grindr was pinging off the hook.

    I was being sent picture after picture of the local talent… topless talent and talented cock. I was dripping faster than a Mr.Whippy in Madrid. In my element, I was. I was like Harry Potter in a wand shop.

    I got excited. But then it suddenly hit me like a wet kipper.

    It’s illegal in this country and I bottled it.

    And then one really caught my eye. A very attractive guy, who was staying at our hotel. Not far to go then. I got excited. But then it suddenly hit me like a wet kipper. It’s illegal in this country and I bottled it. I can’t be locked up in an Indian jail, being made to pick up the soap. I’d be the prison bitch.

    Mmm, what a fantasy. Maybe I should get myself arrested.

    And then I came down to earth with a bump. The guy who I’d blown out (not literally) had sent me a message in Punjabi. Does he realise I’m English and not bilingual? Thank god for google translate. My eyes widened as Google told me that he’d called me a gay bitch. What a bitch!

    I switched Grindr off for the night. It was starting to get on my moobs. Tullene was already heavily snoring so I rolled over to go to sleep and I heard rustling coming from the suitcase.

    “Tullene! Wake up. There’s a cobra in the suitcase!”

    To be continued…

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • COMMENT | We need to stop saying “I already knew” when someone comes out

    We Should Applaud Those Brave Enough to Come Out, Not Tear Them Down…

     

    Seeing the trolls was obviously disappointing,but not surprising.

    Discovering that many of the trolls were other gay people was even more disappointing…

     

    With the news that Olympic athlete Colin Jackson has come out as gay, I logged on to Twitter to see what people were saying about it. Although there were some congratulatory tweets and well wishes, the majority of the comments I saw were putting Jackson down and criticising him for only coming out now, having spent years denying his sexuality.

    Seeing the trolls was obviously disappointing, but not surprising. Discovering that many of the trolls were other gay people was even more disappointing, but again not surprising at all. That’s because we live in a world where trolls regularly tear people down online. These days I’m more surprised when someone is nice.

    It’s not just Colin Jackson who has been in the firing line recently. You only have to look at Aaron Carter’s coming out to see an example of people saying hateful things instead of being more understanding and supportive. The same can be said of Barry Manilow’s coming out earlier this year.

    I think the thing that disappoints me most about all the negativity that gay people write about famous people coming out is when they say that they already knew, or it was hardly a secret, or even that they are coming out for publicity. Maybe, just maybe, it’s actually because they now feel comfortable enough to come out. It’s easy to see how difficult it must be for them, given the reactions of other gay people when these famous folks do pluck up the courage to be open about who they are.

    Much of the issue that people are taking with Colin Jackson coming out is that he has denied being gay in the past. That may be true, but that shouldn’t detract from the fact that he now feels able to be open about who he is. I’m guilty of denying my own sexuality in the past due to fear of being rejected and attacked for being gay. I have no doubt that countless other people have also hidden or denied their sexuality for the same reasons.

    The common theme among the trolls tweeting about Aaron Carter was the opinion that he is probably gay and just saying he is bisexual to soften the blow.

    In Aaron Carter’s case, the stigma around being bisexual is huge. The common theme among the trolls tweeting about Aaron Carter was the opinion that he is probably gay and just saying he is bisexual to soften the blow. Others were saying that he is coming out as bisexual to resurrect his career. It’s this kind of biphobia that keeps bisexual people in the closet. That stigma attached to being bisexual is the reason why there is such a lack of bisexual visibility, although the fantastic Bi Pride UK team are about to change that. As the Stonewall saying goes, some people are bisexual… get over it!

    What’s clear to me is that because someone is famous, they are somehow fair game when it comes to mocking and judging them when they come out. However, we need to be mindful that those famous people are human too. They are just like the rest of us and go through the same struggles as we do. We all have our own journey and so do they.

    What I’d like to do is call for more kindness. I applaud Colin Jackson, Aaron Carter, Barry Manilow and anyone else who feels brave enough to come out and be who they are. I just wish other gay people would be more supportive of that. With LGBT+ people facing so much hatred in many countries around the world, we should all be sticking together. This infighting and putting each other down does a disservice to those who fought and continue to fight, for our rights.

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • People need to get over these bisexual MYTHS already

    People need to get over these bisexual MYTHS already

    We’re not bi now gay later…

    You wouldn’t think that in 2018 myths about bisexuality would still exist… but oh boy do they! We asked readers who identify as bisexual what comments gave them complete attacks of the eye roll and oh boy did the myths come rolling in… So listen up peeps – take note – these are the myths that we need to destroy in 2017!

    Why do gay men take the attitude that bi is just a transitional sexual status … the whole “bi now; gay later” attitude?

    Patrick

    That I want to have sex with everyone. Yikes, and ick NO. We’re not sexual Velociraptors FFS.

    Maggie

    That bisexuals only like cis men and women. I’m a bi and trans man, and that tells me is that the speaker doesn’t view me as an actual man, or sees bisexuals as inherently genital focused, or both.

    Cato

    That we get laid than more people.

    Sam

    The idea that we will eventually “pick a side” and become either straight or gay.

    ANON

    That bisexuals are oversexed and can not have a monogamous relationship.

    Dave

    We’re not a god-damned trend. This is our life, respect that.

    Jenny

    You can still be bi- even if you’re in a hetero or gay relationship

    AJ

    We don’t have to 50/50 either way. It’s cool to be 70 more attracted to the same and 30 & the other way… Still bisexual!

    Paul

  • Dear Hopeful Me… Here’s what you need to know about your first love

    Here’s what first love can feel like

    Dear Hopeful Me,

    Now that you’ve accepted which gender you happen to be attracted to, it’s only a matter of time before that four-letter-word starts playing a more serious part in your life. You’ve spent a while pretending that you don’t believe in Love, mostly because your darn low self-esteem has managed to convince you that you’ll never be worthy of it – but it’s coming, and I feel like you ought to know a little about how it’s going to go.

    The first time it hits you it is going to hit you hard and fast. It will follow you home from the club, show its head on some – few and far between – dates, and most certainly be present through the hour-long phone calls night to night. At this point, it’s going to be confusing and terrifying all at the same time, but you’re going to be feeling too happy in the moment to care about this, so you’ll dive in head first. He’ll say it first, and you’ll say it right back – and then you’ll make a habit of saying it as often as possible to ensure he’s still saying it back, right up until he doesn’t that is.

    That’s the first Love, and it’s a bitch – it will break you and hurt you.

    You’ll spend a long time after that Love living like a wounded animal, you’ll limp from day to day simply hoping that something might change. To steal some wisdom from Cat Stevens, “The first cut is the deepest”, and this has never been truer than when it comes to Love.

    Just hold on, Kiddo, you see, the truth is that Love isn’t a once in a lifetime affair – who knows how many times you might experience it in your life, but I can tell you right now that it’s definitely not just the once for you.

    It might take a while to find someone you can trust again, someone who doesn’t mind the scars and the tears in your trust. But believe me, you’ll find him, and he just happens to be well worth the wait.

    There are always going to be outside influences on your Love, PDA will never be as easy as it should be, and sometimes even holding hands might feel like a risk – thanks a lot, 2016 – but those are all the little things that you quickly realise don’t matter at all. You just have to trust your heart on this one – don’t listen to the head and all the overrun thoughts that might plague you. You are worthy of Love. You are entitled to Love. You deserve a happy future – maybe even with a diamond ring, a picket fence, and a few kids if that’s what you choose. Being Gay doesn’t change this – which is definitely something to keep in mind after that first love breaks you.

    You are worthy of Love. You are entitled to Love. You deserve a happy future – maybe even with a diamond ring, a picket fence, and a few kids if that’s what you choose. Being Gay doesn’t change this – which is definitely something to keep in mind after that first love breaks you.

    You are entitled to Love. You deserve a happy future – maybe even with a diamond ring, a picket fence, and a few kids if that’s what you choose. Being Gay doesn’t change this – which is definitely something to keep in mind after that first love breaks you.

    You deserve a happy future – maybe even with a diamond ring, a picket fence, and a few kids if that’s what you choose. Being Gay doesn’t change this – which is definitely something to keep in mind after that first love breaks you.

    Being Gay doesn’t change this – which is definitely something to keep in mind after that first love breaks you.

    It’s hard to know when you find The One – in fact; everyone might feel like The One to you at times, but that’s when you really have no choice but to dive in headfirst. At the end of the day, Love might hurt you, but it’s nothing to be afraid of.

    If it’s now or never, make it now.

    Sincerely,
    Twenty-Five Year Old (Loved, Unloved, and Loved Again) You

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • COMMENT | What about straight victims of homophobia?

    Why is it so often the case that the struggle for equality can feel like one step forward and three back?

    In the UK, equalities minister Justine Greening has announced plans to allow trans people to change their gender more easily, with less intrusive medical assessments, as part of a welcome shake up of equalities legislation. It’ll also be easier for gay men to give blood. This is good news, and updates to the Gender Recognition Act have to be welcomed.

    On the other side of the Atlantic, our American friends have taken a few steps back, after President Trump’s ban on transgender people serving in the military, proving that pointless and nasty political tokenism is alive and well in the west. In-keeping with Trump’s consistency as a president thus far, the legislation is poorly thought-through, with no obvious route to implementation. Hopefully, it will be quickly struck down.We can’t afford to be sanguine about gay rights in the UK, and although most of us agree there is still some way to go, there are areas of disagreement over what to prioritise in moving towards equality. Because of my own experiences, one area I am passionate about is addressing the reality that homophobia affects more than just gay people. Bear with me on this if it’s not something you’ve previously considered. It’s great and right that we can report homophobic abuse to the police and have it taken very seriously (speaking from experience), but the story doesn’t begin and end there. Homophobia isn’t self-contained.

    “…My parents received an ultimatum from one of my siblings:

    boycott the wedding and disown me,

    or have their grandchildren removed from their lives.

    When my husband and I announced our engagement and intention to marry, my parents received an ultimatum from one of my siblings: boycott the wedding and disown me, or have their grandchildren removed from their lives. My parents attended my wedding and are no longer a part of those grandchildren’s lives. Yet my father’s thriving business was taken over by his homophobic child, and their wedding and a deposit for their first home was lovingly paid for out of my parents’ pockets. Prior to my husband and me tying the knot, my parents played a full and active role in that child’s life, and even more so once the grandchildren arrived, who adored their grandparents.

    At first, they tried mediation. Their requests were ignored. They were so desperate to be reunited with their grandchildren that they used their life savings and pursued their last legal option, taking their case to the family courts. There, they found that the organisation Cafcass (Children and Family Court Advisory and Support Service) doesn’t take matters like homophobia into account in assessing what is best for children. As long as children are being looked after at home, then matters like their parents’ homophobic views and actions hold no weight. Similarly, grandparents have few, if any, access rights to their grandchildren. Most cases like this are as a result of acrimonious divorce, and grandparents on one side or the other invariably lose. Ultimately, in this instance, the judge repeatedly commented that she considered it a profoundly sad case and was aware of the gross injustice my parents were fighting, but was powerless even under these circumstances, with homophobic motivations on the other side, to grant my parents direct access, offering indirect access instead.

    Believe it or not, the consolation prize was a better outcome than my parents had been briefed to expect. A different judge may have dismissed it outright.

    Parents get to decide who can and cannot see their children, and bring them up in a homophobic household if they wish.

    One major concern here though: what if a child in such a household is gay? There is a reason suicide rates in gay people is higher than average, and family hostility almost always plays a major part in such tragic cases.

    It is clear to me that my parents are the victims of homophobia which has, in their old age, destroyed their happiness. They have reached the end of the road and now have to accept the outcome. This strikes me as a grievous wrong, and I hope many readers feel the same.

    So what of the indirect victims of homophobia? I would be interested to hear others’ views, especially if anyone has known a remotely comparable situation. Whilst the homophobia my husband and I have suffered from within my family has been hurtful, it has been easy, painless and for the best to simply sever contact with the sources.

    My parents’ suffering goes on. They are the real victims of homophobia here, not me.

    For fear of further reprisals, the author wishes to remain anonymous, but please post your comments below.

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.