THEGAYUK

Category: Comment

  • THE UNDATEABLE GAY | Goes To India

    PART ONE

    I remember exactly where I was when my best friend, Tullene phoned me and told me she wanted me to accompany her to India. I was happily minding my own business outside M&S in Barnes, the quiet leafy suburb of London. Well, it was quiet until I got this phone call. I mean, I screamed in shock. India has never been on my travel map wish list.

    My instant answer was no. I’d heard horror stories about the dreaded Delhi belly. And as an IBS sufferer, I didn’t quite think this was the ideal holiday destination for one who already has a weak stomach constitution. And secondly, being gay in India is illegal so that thought made me sh*t my little gay IBS pants.

    But as everyone who knows me would say, I am spontaneous and like to grab life by the balls (pun intended). I gave Tullene a very big yes answer. You only live once. I should go, even at the risk of getting the shits and being arrested for being a sausage smuggler.

    And I am quite partial to an Indian. And I’m not just talking about a curry.

    As we boarded our Virgin Dreamliner (only the best darlings), I checked I had all my drug supplies. My friends often call me a pharmacy. I have a pill for every occasion or eventuality. I checked each one off. Paracetamol. Pepto Bismol. Immodium. Mosquito repellent. Multibionta. Dioralyte. Anti-sickness pills. Lucozade.

    Our Dreamliner touched down and my stomach was turning quicker than a washing machine’s spin cycle. It was my first trip abroad where I was genuinely nervous. We stepped outside the airport doors and we breathed in the air. And soon wished we hadn’t. The air down a sewer would have been fresher.

    As we waited for our taxi, a man picked up our luggage. Oh, how friendly. Helping us like this. He put them on top of the taxi for us and our driver strapped them to the roof. With a piece of rope that I could have used as dental floss. I took a deep breath (forgetting about the lack of fresh air) and prayed our luggage would make it.

    Now, for anyone who’s not ventured to India. Let me give you some advice. Don’t be fooled by these lovely men who help you with your luggage. Because as I went to shut the taxi door, the fake porter grabbed the door and start demanding money. I tell you, it’s lucky I’ve built up the muscles in my wrists over the years. As it meant, I won the battle of the taxi door, managed to pull it shut and told the driver to pedal it!

    Does anyone else love the taxi drive from the airport to your hotel? I love the opportunity to take in the sights. Little did we realise the driving standards and speed of India. It’s impossible to take in the sights. I’m telling you now, people swerve in and out of traffic, beeping their horns. Tullene and I held on for dear life and the only sight I managed to take in was Tullene’s armpit.

    I’d never been so happy to see a red traffic light in my life, as it meant we had a little respite from the lunacy of the roads. That was until a Hijra woman stuck her hand through the taxi window, begging for money.

    Anyone who knows me and Tullene will know our habit of laughing when we get nervous or scared. Which was exactly our reaction to this predicament. Obviously, she thought we were mocking her and reached for my spiky hair which she managed to grip. Well, that sure stopped us laughing…

    TO BE CONTINUED…

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • How not to make a good impression on your first date

    I’ve been on a few dates in my time (with a few more to come I suspect) and the more you go on the more you learn about dating and what a bloody minefield it can be. Don’t get me wrong I’ve had some fantastic dates and met some fantastic people. I was taken up the Shard for one of them (one of the better ones, and no pun intended) but my god have I also had some bloody awful ones.

    Do you remember a couple of years ago I reviewed the speed dating event “28 gays later”? Well, when I went back (after a 2-year relationship in-between) I took a friend with me and he did everything right and I did everything wrong. He is now with the guy he met that night about to move in together, and I still have my wine and I can’t even have a cat as I rent.

    Picture the scene, it’s a cold and wet February evening, I am currently in London Bridge running late from meeting a client and I need to get to Old Street for the speed dating event sharpish. As usual, the tube is being a pain so for part of the journey I am stuffy and hot on a packed tube train and the other half I am cold and wet in the horrible winter weather running from station to bar. By the time I turn up at the venue I look like a drowned and beaten rat that not even a mother could love let alone 26 random strangers (27 minus my friend). I was not feeling it that night but not wanting to let my friend down I rolled with it, put on a brave face and greeted 26 gay men for 3-4 minutes each with the usual “hi, I’m Scott, I do X and I’m from Y. What a horrible evening it is. And who might you be?”.

    On reflection, I looked like I didn’t want to be there and that most definitely came across. An injection of humour on my part wasn’t really helping and I allowed my facial expressions to come through when certain men were, shall we say, rather interesting. When the cards came through at the end of the evening of who had chosen who I expected to get very few and low and behold I got very few. I did, however, get the incredibly camp sailor fashion man. He wasn’t for me as I sense he is still trying to find himself but none the less a tick in the box is a tick in the box, right? (I appreciate I am scraping the proverbial barrel here).

    That night I learnt a valuable lesson about dating and that impressions and attitude is everything. If your head isn’t in the game, get out of the game.  I’ve also learnt the hard way that lads, there are certain things that you should also not do on a date if you want to win the other person over.

    To me, a date is an opportunity to sell yourself, see what the other person is selling and see if there is a connection there that is worth exploring. If, for example, you rock up late, have already eaten even though it’s a dinner date, spend 20 minutes talking to your waiter friend then treat the person to a cheap dinner 3 hours later, I think you can safely say that the other person won’t feel any sense of romance. And yes, I was the poor sap that starved for 3 hours thinking we were going for dinner when apparently, we weren’t. Luckily, I was fed cocktails, for which I was eternally grateful as it dulled the pain. We joke about it now but afterwards, I made it very clear dates = romance and that date lacked anything that remotely resembles romance.

    A question that always seems to come up on dates is the question about ‘the ex’. And it can come up very easily. A throwaway question like ‘so how comes a handsome man like you is single’ can very easily lead into a dilemma of what to say about the ex (if anything at all). If this happens to you, don’t see this as an opportunity to wave the ‘my ex is a twat banner’ and get on your soapbox. Yes, this poor soul has not heard your war story before but on the early dates is not the place for war stories really. If I see that ex-banner or soap box coming out you will get shut down. We all have baggage, but no one wants to hear about your war wounds on the first date, maybe on future dates with wine and a good old-fashioned bitching session. But not date number one guys, it’s not pretty.

    Another thing to avoid is the “I don’t know’ response. Even before the date has been confirmed, responding to someone’s question about where you may want to go with an ‘I don’t know’ is one of the most off-putting things going. If you are indecisive that’s absolutely fine, but say that or at least convey what you are not in the mood for. That ‘meh’ sort of response just gives the impression you couldn’t care less, which for the nervous of you out there, simply isn’t true. Do pluck up the courage to give the soul you are with a little rope that they can work with. He wants to impress you so he needs something to work with!

    They say first impressions are over rated, and to these people, I say phooey. First impressions are everything. If you’ve turned up to a nice dinner date in a nice restaurant wearing your best and the other person appears to have made no effort at all, that’s an instant alarm bell. It’s a date for Christ sake, make an effort! It’s not tea at your mum’s, or a dirty burger at 1 AM, it’s meant to be ‘an occasion’. Something to remember and tell the family about. Or am I over complicating it? Well maybe I am, but if you want something that lasts and actually means something, then why not expect decent standards? Since when was that a bad thing? The key is to ensure you tell your date this. Make it clear in your charming way that it is a nice dinner and a nice evening. If they don’t get the hint after that then well at least you tried.

    So, some parting advice for you gentlemen. And I do say this with the appreciation that I am currently very much single so cannot say these strategies have bagged me “the one”. When going on a date make sure you have;

    • Brushed your teeth or at least got a mint to hand

    • Are prepared for it and ready to listen and ask questions

    • Dressed appropriately

    • Are in a flexible mind, so if you do turn up stuffy and wet you can turn it into a conversation point and maybe add a little humour

    • Have some standard questions in your mind. There is nothing wrong with playing 20 questions, just make sure it flows and works with the conversation

    • Put the past out of your mind, it’s your date, not your ex’s

    • Have everything with you, including your wallet!

    • Remember your manners, even if there is no connection there you were brought up to be polite and enjoy company

    And remember, if all else fails, have a strong cocktail and say “fcuk it, it’s something to tell my friends when I get home” (and it beats at indoors, watching Corrie).

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • MOTORING | Group B Rallying Child’s Play

    Group B rally cars were fearful monsters of rallying when you had formula 1 power raging through the woods and villages all over the world. A succession of accidents finally killed the Group B section of the sport off with the final blow coming in with the tragic death of Henri Toivonen driving a Lancia Delta S4 on the 2nd May 1986.

    During the heydey of Group B, radio controlled manufacturers were quick to monopolise on the consumers’ lust for Group B machinery and no company did a better (or worse) job than the Tamiya plastic corporation.

    Over the years of 1983 to 1987 and starting with model number 58036 and the launch of the game changer in rallying, Tamiya released the Audi Quattro in July 1983. In total Tamiya released 4 group B rally cars. So pull your aerials up and charge your racing packs as I run you through these four classic gems. I’ve also included links to the Tamiya videos on Youtube.

    Audi Quattro

    This was quite a fitting replica of the car it displayed. Like the original, Tamiya’s Quattro was also heavy. This was the companies third attempt at making an off-road chassis. In making it a true off roader with the ability to withstand true rallying abuse, the delicate electronics were all encased in a water tight tub. Great you might be thinking but the SRB chassis of the Sand Scorcher et al was much better at this and it also had proper go-anywhere suspension.

    Tamiya endowed the Quattro with swing arm front and trailing link rear axle with suspended transaxle. This encased a clutch system that never slipped because you could’t put any more power through it other than the Mabuchi RS 540 motor. Tamiya said it was powerful. We who drove the car back in the 80’s begged to differ. The advert that played on a loop in Beatties toy shops sold us a fat bloody lie! It didn’t have 4 wheel drive and due to its lack of get up and go, it didn’t need it either.

    All this was not damped in anyway by coil springs only all round. For want of a better word, the rears were adjustable depending on road surface. It was a crude make do system of adjusting a collar.

    The box chassis was limited to its surface choices. Most off-road tracks other than mild dust would render the vehicle stuck in the mud. On bumpy ground it was truly horrendous by the way it bounced around like an excited 4 month old puppy. The body coming off its rear clip system was common.

    It wasn’t very good at being an off road rally car. Unlike the Audi, this effort from Tamiya wasn’t going to win any races. In fact I don’t remember anyone in my local park winning with a Quattro!

    Where it did wonders was with the body and the details. Tamiya still are the kings of details. Now forgiving it the elongated front wheel arches and squashed body (it actually looked more like the Sport Quattro S1) it was a delight to detail with a complicated decal set of Audi Quattro colours. It even had the option of fitting the 6 spotlights to the front. The tyres were road going life like Michelin TRX’s that never seemed to wear out. This was also the only Tamiya to be piloted by a woman and to celebrate this Tamiya even made a new mould for the little driver included that was to be Michèle Mouton.

    Opel Ascona


    Hot on the heels of the Quattro was the next release, the Opel Ascona.

    Again this had the awful box chassis with no off road ability but stranger still was the decal livery of the lesser known Akai team Ascona when Rothmans Racing was more dominant on the rally scene. It took me several years many moons ago to even find a picture of the Akai car.

    They chose Walter Röhrl as their driver of choice for this model but with no name mentioned on the side. Walter and Opel took second place in the manufactures trophy being beaten by Audi.

    That may have been a result to Audi but to the model builder Opel had the last laugh. The body for the Ascona was and still is one of the nicest to look at. It is far better proportioned than the Quattro.

    Lancia Rally 037

    This car has been cruelly quoted as Tamiya’s third truck. That’s not fair you say when you handle the lovely styrene injection moulded body. You can even wire up the front and rear lights and for added joy, the 4 spots on the front can also be illuminated.

    You spend ages on the body. It’s a thing of beauty with detail and apart from the rather large wheel arches, it all looks quite smart. Even the tyres are those lovely Michelin TRX types as fitted to the Quattro and Ascona.

    You then mount the body onto the chassis and stand back aghast at the true truck like stance this elegant coupe has. The body sits high on the new space frame chassis. The wheels protrude the width of the vehicle and it all looks a bit comical.

    The chassis really was an upgrade though. Tamiya had done a lot of development in making this a proper off-roader. It spawned the much-loved Frog. The Frog had hop up parts like oil filled rear shock absorbers and a differential as standard. The basic chassis has never been out of production since 1983’s release as the Subaru Brat. Out of the box the Lancia came with coil springs and a solid rear diff which made off roading great but wet corners interesting. Everything was suspended individually and despite its light weight design, this was one indestructible chassis. There was also a belly pan available and other people made upgrade kits for various bits.

    What it did was go fast when you changed the Mabuchi RS 380S motor to the RS 540 or better still one of the hotter motors Tamiya offered. The Lancia was a true weapon compared to the other two now lame ducks fighting for a slow and steady finish. What it also did with speed was to disintegrate that elegant body into a thousand pieces. The chassis might be rally tough, however, the body is quite like a real Lancia with the ability to shed bits here and there. One wrong turn and you’re reaching for the gaffer tape to put it back together.

    Tamiya did re-release the shell mounted to a better TA03RS chassis and while they were at it they also amended their wheel arch faux pas. It wasn’t a patch on the original.

    Toyota Celica Gb B


    Like Group B itself, this was to be Tamiya’s swan song to the rally with this technically advanced if somewhat flawed Toyota Celica. This was a violently fast machine.

    The scale was not like the others. This was 1/12th scale. The others were all 1/10th. This made the Celica a more delicate creature but my word what a chassis. If you liked scaled precision then this was for you. A mid mounted Technigold motor that in itself would look great next to the Queen’s crown jewels. It also had adjustable timing. Drive was transmitted through 3 differentials to the 4 wheel drive layout.

    The suspension was also a work of art. Adjustable rear suspension for 3 handling characteristics and 3 different damper rates and double wishbones and an anti-roll bar at the front. It sounded great. It read fantastically. You assembled the kit with joy. You then discovered the oil filled shocks were the worst in the world and would leak oil, the rear wishbone mounts for the shock absorbers would break and that Technigold motor would strip the cog that fed the rear gearbox. It might have worn a Toyota badge but it lacked every ounce of Toyota reliability.

    On and sort of off road it was a hoot. Very fast and if it stayed in 4WD, it would keep up with most things in a straight line. It’s cornering prowess with off-road or tarmac tyres left a lot to be desired. I did race one for a while at Crystal Palace with no wins to my name but only a handful of retirements. It certainly gave you sweaty palms.

    Oh well, there is always the body. And this was again a delight to make with details galore. This was one of the last where you had to paint all the bits. Soon after they started using stickers for most of the details. The fine art was about to be lost but in the mean time, you didn’t know this so you enjoyed the painstaking HOURS it took to paint not just the shell but also the 2 drivers in the blow moulded cockpit.

    Soon after they started using stickers for most of the details. The fine art was about to be lost but in the mean time, you didn’t know this so you enjoyed the painstaking HOURS it took to paint not just the shell but also the 2 drivers in the blow moulded cockpit.

    The old Tamiya stuff is still the best. With nostalgia so ingrained in us and with a crazy support of radio controlled clubs out there you can’t not get the support or parts you need to buy to maintain and enjoy any one of these group B monsters. For my money I’d have to go for the… all 4 of them. The Quattro and Ascona have beautiful drivetrains that make for a beautiful sound. The Lancia is a gem of detail even if it does look like a truck and the Celica has a chassis made of fine architecture l could just lick.

    Choose your retro car to suit your needs. Choose it to suit your favourite manufacture but more importantly choose it to be enjoyed to the max. After all group B was all about taking it to the max!

  • COMMENT | The real backlash is against the LGBT community, not the National Trust over rainbow uniform

    Oh the trolls are out today. Can you feel them?

    The National Trust’s ill-advised policy of punishing its volunteers to backroom duties if they don’t feel comfortable wearing the rainbow symbol is incredibly damaging. Not to the National Trust but to us. The LGBT community.

    “PC Gone Mad”

    “When you have to force your ideas on people it never works out”.

    Just spend a moment in the comment section of any of the national papers who’ve run this story and you’ll see, it’s not the National Trust that’s being lambasted but the LGBT community. Sure the National Trust may have taken a hit when a couple of hundred angry people ripped up their membership cards – but the lasting damage is on us.

    This has fueled the bigots and they are out in force, bemoaning that the LGBT community is once again being recognised. There are the usual cries of “why do they have to have a pride/month/day/rainbow… etc etc. They are moaning that this policy was forcing LGBT politics down their throats.

    When you have to force your ideas on people it never works out.

    “Forcing people out of roles that they love doing isn’t going to win them over – in fact, I’ll bet that it will just further entrench their feelings”

    I truly believe that you don’t win the battle for acceptance by punishing those who don’t: get us, agree with us or just plain despise us. Forcing people out of roles that they love doing isn’t going to win them over – in fact, I’ll bet that it will just further entrench their feelings – double down on them – and for all the lookie loos reading about this story it just gives them another reason to spew their vile tirades.

    Embracing or Excluding?

    If the purpose of wearing the lanyards was to ensure that LGBT visitors felt comfortable visiting a National Trust site, it’s failed. It’s not the staff or volunteers we have to worry about its the fellow guests – if the comment sections are anything to go by.

    An NHS trust recently embarked on a similar rainbow lanyard experiment to promote a pro-LGBT environment, but it was perfect in its execution. Only those who wanted to wear it – did – and as a result, they wore it with pride – it was about letting patients know that there was a friendly face, someone they could trust. That’s what the Rainbow symbol is about.

    Not forced politics and thought policing.

    Handled right this could have been the perfect opportunity to embrace the LGBT community, instead all this has done has excluded staff – and in the process made the LGBT community the scape goat.

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • COMMENT | Is Gay Twitter just too darn cliquey?

    What is it about that phrase “apply for membership” that is simultaneously repugnant and intriguing? It’s like my personality splits instantly; one-half goes “urgh” and walks away, the other is halfway through typing an application form detailing why it is I would be great for this club and frantically trying to find ‘cool’ photos to upload to Instagram.

    But those clubs make money from being exclusive; “Gay Twitter™”, however, does and should not.

    So why, oh why, are gays still trying to syphon themselves off from the rest of life? Why do people include an ACTUAL TRADEMARK after ‘Gay Twitter’? These are all questions I ask myself as I scroll through my Twitter feed each morning.

    My issue is with some of the influential members of ‘Gay Twitter’ and the damage I feel they’re doing to what we strive to keep an open, encompassing community.

    But, still, my issue isn’t with the idea of the name ‘Gay Twitter’ itself; that’s just the title for a demographic of Twitter users, really. My issue is with some of the influential members of ‘Gay Twitter’ and the damage I feel they’re doing to what we strive to keep an open, encompassing community.

    Looking for inspiration, guidance and I’ll be honest some networking opportunities, I started following a few of the editors, sub-editors, contributors etc of certain successful flagship LGBT+ publications on Twitter. While I was expecting to be inspired as a wannabe-editor, I’m continually disappointed by what I can see is just one big clique. “Unfollow them!” you say? Why? I’d have nothing to write about.

    I watch these intelligent, prominent writers spend all day @ing each other in tweets; usually about an in joke and/or anal sex. And when their followers try to chime in? Oh, don’t expect a response unless you’re someone they have/want to/are going to shag. Didn’t we grow out of that somewhere after GCSEs? Haven’t we gays all had enough of feeling left out of a social group when we were at school?

    What upsets me the most is that some of these are the people running the publications that I looked up to when I was desperate to get out of small town life and be one of them. For example, Gay Times has a print readership of 170,000 people; 869,411 web page views and a social media following reaching into the millions*.

    That’s millions of people in their sphere of influence that they’re either peacocking in front of or ignoring completely.

    Now don’t get me wrong, the beauty of Twitter is that it’s an unfiltered stream of consciousness and it’s your own personal account but they cannot deny that they’re in the public eye (hello? You have a big blue tick next to your handle!) These guys are writers after all; write something that young gays will look up to! When there’s so much out there with the potential to damage young minds and yet, even more, channels for them to reach out through, how about show the next generation how to be dignified LGBT+ people by tweeting something that doesn’t involve you being a bitch? How about using your high profile for charitable good, or to highlight issues from the community? I’d love to hear a voice that isn’t just cynicism and sycophantism.

     

    ‘Gay Twitter’ needs a wakeup call: engage, inspire, broaden some knowledge – because the elitism is hurtful.

     

    The private members’ clubs I get: being exclusive is literally their business, it’s in the title. But ‘Gay Twitter’ needs a wakeup call: engage, inspire, broaden some knowledge – because the elitism is hurtful.

    While I’m at it, dear publishing Lords, give me a man topless on the cover of a gay lifestyle magazine who doesn’t have abs! But that rant is for another day when I haven’t eaten a Five Guys straight after the gym.

    *Gay Times Publishers Statement July 2015

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • 12 Essential Points For Putting On A Pride Event

    So I thought I would write a little piece about the ups and downs and pitfalls of organising a Gay pride event.

    How to organise a successful pride

    I doubted writing this piece for a while as I know it will cause an uproar and probably outrage but I feel like I need to write something to get these feelings out.

    No one really tells you what goes into putting on an event, like a pride, what ever the scale and size of it.

    It’s our towns first event in 20yrs. I look back now over the last 7 months and reflect on all the struggles we have had within the gay community alone.

    The local community, local councils and emergency services have been very supportive of the event and want the event to take place but we have come up with more resilience from within our own community it is a very small community here in my town but it is getting bigger as the years have gone on.

    So I thought I would put together a checklist of 12 points to organising any type of event so someone in the future who thinks of putting an event on may have an idea of what to expect

    1. Build a strong team of more than 5 people to share workloads, depending on size of event and have plenty of meetings to cross reference where everyone is. Set up a WhatsApp group. Set up a Facebook Chat.

    2. Take the time and plan well in advance

    3. Seek guidance and advice from other Pride events or the UKPON

    1. Apply for all licences and permits within timeframes

    2. Include all emergency services in plans and details, get contact details for all chiefs or commanders of police, fire, ambulance

    3. Use online networks & websites to get details of local charities & organisations that might like to get involved.

    4. Get social. Set up online accounts, social medias & websites before launching advent, get dates, times and addresses confirmed before going live. Build a database of contact details for everyone.

    8. Artwork! If you have budget get artwork, logos and advertising done well in advance

    9. Infrastructure! Secure all bookings of toilet hire, stage hire, stalls, security, music acts, and any other main essentials with online form and deposits.

    10. Love the volunteer. Build a strong base of volunteers that will help on the day these are the most important people that will be helping on the day to make your event a success

    11. Contact at all times. Keep people informed and keep in contact with everyone whether it’s stall holders, security teams, volunteers, stage crew basically anyone that is going to be involved

    12. Don’t be a crazy train wreck by the end. Give your self 4 weeks before the date of event to have everything done signed and in place so the last few weeks aren’t a crazy mess

    Lastly, enjoy the event and if anything comes up, deal with it calmly and quickly.
    And remember there are plenty of people out their to ask for help and advice and guidance

    From my personal experience, I have learned that try not to let people’s opinions and comments reflect on the importance of putting on any type of event as you are going to criticism and hate and negativity especially from the gay community in small towns.

    I think in bigger towns and cities that have gay scenes and community it’s not as bad but I wish anyone the best of luck in putting on their event and remember if you need any advice or help just ask.

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

     

  • FORD MUSTANG | Just Call Me Mustang Sally

    Ford put on quite a show recently to a few motoring journalists for the launch of the 2017 Mustang Convertible. Not only was there a play in the new pony car but a polo match and tuition on how to play it albeit thankfully not on the horse and a day at Goodwood festival of speed.

    First up though was the excitement for the new Mustang that was then halted by the presence of a 1977 Mk2 Capri 1.6 L. Mustang does something to the inner you and l suppose if I was American it would do more but the Capri really was the car they said you’ve always promised yourself. And being British it stirred me up the wrong way. Thankfully Charlotte Ward from Ford Heritage entrusted me with the keys and I was able to satisfy those pangs with the joyous sound of a 1.6 pinto engine doing nothing but making noise when you pushed the pedal to the metal.

    Noise with motion was not a problem in the new Mustang with its V8 thundering under the bonnet. Motion was there in abundance. Sometimes too much was there. Even with all the traction control, you could still have some fun. You could also turn it off too but this is really only for legends. Come to think of it there were many different setting even down to a ‘track’ setting. I kept it as it was and cruised. The roads around Goodwood are not great for sideways action. As a thundering toy, I liked what I saw.

    The route took us to watch the Jaeger-LeCoultre Gold Cup polo courtesy of Guy and Charlotte from the Cowdray polo academy. As an animated fan, Guy was able to enthuse with abundance about polo, the skills needed, what made a good polo horse and the players. A gentle sport it is not and Charlotte showed off her skills at brownie making. Diet or not, I hit those hard.

    Dinner was interspersed with what can only be described as a perfect accompaniment to wine tasting five different wines and champagnes by Wiston with husband and wife team Richard and Kirsty Goring providing ample joviality per bottle per course. A lot of fun, even if we were lead down the wrong path by Richard who during the quiz asked questions he and Kirsty had not mentioned. An uproar ensued.

    Sunday was filled with a trip to Goodwood. Having never been before I can only express that it is far bigger than I thought it would be and quite overwhelming. There is just so much to see both on and off the track. This was after all The Festival of Speed.

    THEGAYUK hopes to get hold of a new Mustang for further examination so watch this space and a look around the heritage fleet too.

     

  • JOURNEY TO FATHERHOOD 7: Walking through the woods

    Looking back at what I have published in this column, I realise that it’s now been two years since my first article (2015); and indeed it’s been five years (2012) since I started this process. I can remember being told at the time, “you’re in your mid-thirties (by my mother and others) why can’t you wait till you’re a bit older?” Well, little did I know that it would take five years from when my ex and I started to investigate to actually having a child. On the flip side, ironically, I now have conversations about the discrimination I will face being an older parent, as most new mums are in their 20s and I will be 40.

    So, I am the proud bearer of good news! In my last column I finished by saying that I hope to report back, with news of a successful transfer and indeed I can. It’s not twins, but an embryo transfer took place back in March and having been grown a bit in the laboratory beforehand, the embryo has developed into a foetus. According to my pregnancy app, this week it is the size of a typical chicken breast and about 5oz in weight, developing its fingerprints and has recognisable features. The nervous system is developing and my baby’s ears have developed so that s/he (we don’t know the sex yet) can hear.

    Two weeks ago I sent my surrogate a voucher and a list of classical music to download and play through some tummy speakers. My parents have also recorded nursery rhymes, which we will send to my surrogate shortly. My surrogate, however, enjoys hip hop and rap, so I may well have a MOBO music lover in my son or daughter!

    We are also heading ‘through the woods’, as the first trimester (week 12) completed six weeks ago, and the ultrasound imagery taken at the time suggests no abnormalities of the foetus. I now have an expected date of arrival in early December 2017.

    In some ways I feel really disconnected from the whole process. I am a whole continent away from my surrogate and all of those things (good and bad) that other new dads experience aren’t happening for me. It’s almost like a surreal dream. I speak with my surrogate once a week and we are connected on Facebook, but the emotional build up and the build up with family and friends is not happening for me. So I feel strangely disconnected.

    Part of this disconnection is down to me and my circumstances. The tangled lives that we lead, mean that mine is not as well prepared as it could be. Having agreed not to come out to wider family and in the area where my parents live when I was 18, (I’m only really out in London), my parents and I have been having conversations about how we explain my situation in their local community, to their friends and to my wider family (cousins, aunts, uncles etc). The fear that I feel is immense.

    It’s like I’m coming out all over again. That carefully edited and compartmentalised part of my life which is my parental home environment where I grew up, is suddenly in peril. Here’s my current thinking: Having already come out once and the world is very different from where it was 22 years ago when I was 18, I’ve said: we won’t lie, there is no secret girlfriend in the states, I haven’t been deserted by the mother and I am gay and going through surrogacy. It’s mainly because I can’t lie and build lie upon lie, upon lie. With a child in my arms to care for and look after, it’s too much to think about a back story every time. As a result, this was the topic of some debate for a week or two between me and my parents.

    The West Country is not a liberal place. My local MP voted against gay marriage and only last year I was verbally discriminated against in my workplace in the local office in Reading, because I’m gay. I’m seriously starting to question if moving back here (because of the support of parents and family) will be the right decision. Only at the weekend the daughter of a neighbour talking to one of her friends across the street said, ‘my mum says he’s funny’ and she didn’t say it in a ‘ha ha, he makes me laugh’ kind of way.

    So, I’ve agreed with my parents that following my 40 birthday, I will come out (again!) to my wider family and explain at the same time that I will become a dad. What will be, will be: ‘Que sera sera’. To add to this I need to hold down a job and continue to battle through the surrogacy process.

    Speaking of discrimination one my female friends who strongly supports me, suggested that I contact the National Childbirth Trust ‘The UK’s largest charity for parents’. She had taken ante-natal and parental courses with them and is a huge fan. In this sense I’m like any other parent to be, I know nothing and could do with some help. So I went to the website https://www.nct.org.uk – they advertise stuff like a first 1000 days parent support. I found a course and applied. Within about 15 minutes I had a reply from the local co-ordinator. Bubbly and excited, we exchanged e-mails discussing local courses, costs, etc. Until about the fifth e-mail, “whose your partner?” was the question. ‘Um I don’t have one, I’m a gay dad to be going through surrogacy’.

    The tone of the response was muted and effectively said, ‘I’m not sure that the course we have discussed is right for you. You’re welcome to attend but we think that a one-on-one session in your home would be “what people usually offer”’.

    I noted a change of tone from first person to third person. I have to say I feel really, really let down. Why do I need a special course at home? I’d like to turn up at the course I chose, be welcomed and accepted as a new parent to be. Instead, through the carefully worded language, it’s being suggested that I can join in but it’s better at home because that’s ‘what people usually offer’ – people? Who are ‘people’? I look forward to being continually being discriminated against. I’ve yet to decide if I will try to continue with the NCT.

    In a couple of week’s time, we will start the legal process for a pre-birth order in the states to hand over rights to the baby from the surrogate to me before birth. I now also need to think about writing a Will and engaging a UK solicitor – I have one in mind. I was under the impression that there is now single parent, ‘parental orders’ but having spoken to a friend who is also a single dad he seemed to think that they were not in use yet. A single parent parental order will be much easier than getting an effective legal decision or the onerous journey of adoption.

    That’s my journey to date, I will update you all closer to December.

     

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  • THE UNDATEABLE GAY | The Great Shave Off

    My hair is hanging on by a root. Pun intended.


    The fate of my hair follicles were unfortunately decided as soon as my mum chose my dad to procreate. And in recent years, I’ve seen my hair fading away quicker than a Katie Price single out of the top 40. So I decided it was time to take action.

    But when I do shave, I must give up the fake tan. Otherwise, I fear I will end up looking like a Malteser that’s had half its chocolate bitten off. And I think I better start providing men with sunglasses when I perform oral sex. For fear of dazzling their eyes, with light reflecting from my bald spot. Or I could just turn the lights off. Mmmmm.

    I’ve debated in my head whether I should shave my hair for a while and embrace the baldness. But I’m scared. Anyone who knows me well, will know full well how vain I am and what an important part of my appearance my signature spiky hair is. This is a BIG deal for me.

    So when I had the idea to shave off my hair in aid of charity, this started to make it feel much less daunting. Not only will I be embracing my inevitable baldness, I’ll be raising funds for a good cause. Much less scary.

    And I chose the Albert Kennedy Trust as they do such amazing work within the LGBTQ community. They help gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people who are homeless or living in hostile environments. And as its 50 years since being gay was legalised in England, I thought it was rather apt.

    The Great Shave Off (as I’ve decided to lovingly call it), will take place on Thursday 3rd August, so plenty of time for people to donate money. Please just click on the link at the top of my column and pledge your support for my baldness and the Albert Kennedy Trust. If every person I know, friends, family and readers of my column gave at least a pound, we could raise thousands.

  • PETER TATCHELL | Is the LGBT community being screwed over by city council?

    Has LGBT Pride lost its way? This is a question more and more people were asking in the run up to Saturday’s Pride London parade.

    What began in 1972 as a protest for LGBT rights has now become an overly commercialised, bureaucratic and rule-bound event; which too often reflects the wishes of the city authorities, not the LGBT community.

    The admirable organisers, Pride in London, are being forced to operate with onerous controls and draconian costs. These have been imposed by the Mayor of London, Westminster Council and the Metropolitan Police, who have dictated conditions that mean a mere 26,500 people will be permitted to march on Saturday This is a fraction of the numbers who’d march if it was a free and open event.

    “LGBT organisations have to apply in three months advance,

    pay a fee and get wristbands for all their participants.

    The parade feels increasingly regimented, commodified and straight-jacketed”

    Nowadays, LGBT organisations have to apply in three months advance, pay a fee and get wristbands for all their participants. The parade feels increasingly regimented, commodified and straight-jacketed.

    The city authorities are also enforcing punitive costs for road closures, pavement barriers, policing and security. They cite safety concerns and the disruptive impact on West End businesses if the parade was allowed to be bigger. Commerce comes first, it seems. Pride must not interfere with making money.

    These excuses are nonsense. There are large political marches in central London, such as last Saturday’s anti-austerity demonstration. They are stung for none of the costs forced on Pride and have no safety problems. Equally, no similar restrictions are placed on the numbers at the Notting Hill Carnival, which is many times larger than Pride.

    The way Westminster Council treats LGBT Pride has a whiff of homophobia. It has a long history of perceived anti-gay bias. Some years ago it banned gay venues from flying the rainbow flag.

    Gay club owners have previously told me the council was unsupportive and seemed intent on degaying and sanitising Soho. Manbar felt victimised by Westminster and was forced out of business in 2015.

    Westminster is, of course, run by the Tories – a party that has done a ‘cash for power’ deal with the homophobic DUP in the north of Ireland. I don’t trust them.

    The dedicated, tireless Pride committee is held over a barrel. They might be permitted to increase the numbers on the parade but only if they stump up loads more cash to the council and police. Westminster council seems to think that the democratic right of the LGBT community to use its streets should come at a price. It even demands compensation for the suspension of parking bays!

    Royal Parks is no better. They won’t allow Pride to use Hyde Park. We are being screwed.

    Compared to 20 years ago, Pride has been dumbed down. For many people, it is now mostly a gigantic street party. Big corporations see it as a PR opportunity to fete LGBT consumers with their flashy floats. The ideals of LGBT equality are barely visible. Last year I counted only ten parade groups with a LGBT human rights message.

    It is sometimes claimed that Pride London is the biggest in the world. Not true. London is one of the smaller Prides in major European cities; being eclipsed in size by Berlin, Paris, Amsterdam and Madrid. Sao Paulo attracts three million people!

    In contrast, Pride London has 26,500 marchers and 80,000 spectators on the parade route. Trafalgar Square, the location of the end-of-parade rally, holds 20,000 people and the Soho streets that host satellite events, around 90,000. Many of these numbers are the same people at different locations. This suggests about 200,000 people in total at Pride; certainly not the one million claimed by the Mayor of London.

    This is smaller than earlier Prides in London. In 1997, over 100,000 people marched in the parade. It took nearly five hours to pass through Parliament Square. Close to 300,000 people attended the post-march festival on Clapham Common.

    Pride is, of course, more than the parade. There are 100-plus events over the Pride fortnight, ranging from concerts to films, sports, exhibitions and talks.

    Pride is staged by an amazing unpaid, all-volunteer team. Some corporate sponsorship is necessary. The parade and festival has to be funded. But are the corporates now too dominant?

    If Pride has gone adrift, we are all partly to blame for not being more involved with the organising committee and not standing up to the city authorities. Perhaps it’s time to revert to the LGBT liberation ethos of the first UK Pride in 1972? I was one of the organisers back then. I’ve marched in every Pride London parade since. This will be my 46th.

    1972 was a carnival march for LGBT human rights. It was political and fun; without all the restrictions, costs and red tape that are strangling Pride today.

    Let’s put liberation back at the heart of Pride; reclaim it as a political march with a party atmosphere. No limits on numbers and no motorised floats. This would dramatically cut costs and bureaucracy, and return Pride to its roots. We can still have a fabulous carnival atmosphere. It worked in 1972. Why not now?

    This is an edited version of an article that was originally published in The Guardian: http://bit.ly/2sPIGjL

    For more information about the Peter Tatchell Foundation and to make a donation: www.PeterTatchellFoundation.org

     

  • COMMENT | Can you be Muslim and gay?

    There is a certain taboo within Islam that does not ever get discussed in a positive way.

    You only need to look at recent news in Chechnya to see how gay people are mistreated and abused. Over the past few years there have been increases in attacks on gay people in predominantly Muslim countries, and often people are violently and fatally attacked for their sexuality. Islam paints a picture that it will not accept gay people, and this has been the doctrine of thought for many many years. It is, therefore, a struggle for young gay Muslims, such as myself, to come to terms with our sexuality and faith. I realise the two aspects of my life do not go hand in hand. In fact, the majority of the major religions have no accepting views on homosexuality. From a biological standpoint, I understand this. If everyone was gay then life as we know it would cease to exist. Try as hard as you may two guys cannot reproduce with one another. This lead me to read more about my religion and understand the scriptures that are written in the Quran regarding homosexuality. My hope from this research was to find a way to reconcile the two aspects of my life that were conflicting.

    The Quran relays a story about the people of Sodom and Gomorra. Those that are familiar with Christianity and Judaism will also know of this story. It tells of a place where men were having sex with other men and shunning their wives. God sent the prophet Lot, to these people to show them the error of their ways and persuade them to give up the life of sin. He commented on how lewdness between two men should be punished. The story goes on to state that these people were wiped out as they refused to give up their sinning ways.

    The hadith (which is the sayings and practices of our Prophet Muhammad) states that he cursed effeminate men (Sahih Al-Bukhari, book 72, hadith 774), and that he states that if anyone was committing sodomy (i.e anal sex) that both the giver and receiver should be stoned to death (Al-Trimidhi, book 1, hadith 152). I realise this gives the impression that Islam is a violent and torturous religion, but this is not the case. You have to remember that these teachings and scriptures are thousands of years old and this was a different time. There are also passages that state anal sex is forbidden even if done with a female partner. As a Sunni Muslim, however, I believe in the two major hadiths Sahih Al-Bukhari and Sahih Muslim. Whilst they do not say you have to kill homosexuals, they are grey on the subject as to whether the punishable act is gay sex or shunning women.

    So the religion is somewhat clear on its status with gay people and homosexuality. Therefore as a Muslim, I cannot be both gay and religious? Well yes and no. Religion is something that people hold dear and people use as guides for their lives. Religion teaches us to be good people and respect others. One can argue that being a good person does not mean you have to be religious and I agree. For me personally, my religion has always been with me, and I understood that before I understood that I was gay. So you may ask how I reconciled it with myself. I went through a particularly religious period of my life. I was praying 5 times a day and not giving into lustful thoughts. However, after a while, I questioned what I was doing. One of the ‘solutions’ to being gay that most scholars say is to not think about it and act on your feelings. Pray more and beg Allah to put you on the right path. Purify your heart and your soul will be cleansed too. Things like this, which sound wishy washy but do work for some people. I tried this, and it didn’t work. I still felt gay feelings, which is natural to me as I was born this way. Heterosexual people reading that ask yourself when you chose to be straight, then ask me when I chose to be gay. If you can’t remember or feel you didn’t have to choose, then neither did I.

    Ergo we were both born the way we were. I can still recall meeting a very religious man when I was 12, who is in the bloodline of the prophet Muhammad and after looking at me for a minute stated that I was ‘different’ to my brothers. Maybe he saw that I was gay? Who knows. But I am different and I am ok with that. So prayer was not helping. I did give it up as my thought was even if I do pray and do everything right, I will still be condemned in Islam for being gay.

    My next factor was my personal happiness. A lot of gay Muslims feel pressure from their families to be married. This is especially prevalent in the Asian communities. I feel the pressure all the time. I could tell my family and be disowned (probably – I have heard of very rare cases when parents have accepted it) or get married to a woman and live a lie. This is the same decision a lot of young gay Muslim men (and women) face. I personally couldn’t do that. It would mean sacrificing my happiness and ruining another person’s life. She would deserve a relationship where she is wanted and have intimacy. Recently I was talking to a guy going through the same thing, and he is due to be married. He was saying how he wanted me to be his bit on the side, and I flat out refused. I am not going to hook up with a married person, regardless if the marriage is a sham or not. He was trying to convince me to do the same as it would hurt my parents if I came out. That is true, but it would hurt more if they found out and I lied, had a wedding and got divorced. I value my happiness, and after giving for so long I wanted to be ‘selfish’ for once and think of myself first. Naturally, I have thought about how it would affect my parents, but my understanding is that parents should always want their kids to be happy, so they may come around.

    So I stood with two choices, be religious and be alone, or be happy and maintain a level of religion I am comfortable with. I chose the second option. This means that I will eventually have a gay relationship, but I also hold the five pillars of Islam to heart. I will fast in Ramadan, I will give charity to the poor and needy, I will believe that there is only one God (Allah), I have performed Hajj (the pilgrimage) and I will pray when I want to. Notice none of these pillars, which are the foundation of the religion, state that I have to marry, and that I cannot be gay and do any of them. But I am a realist and realise the religion will not accept me for my sexuality. I just hope that they will accept me for my good nature and kind actions.

    “I am Muslim. I am gay.

    These are two aspects of a more complex me

    I will still continue to be the best Muslim I can,

    and if being gay leads me to eternal damnation then so be it.”.

    I understand that this post is very contradictory, but in my mind, I have separated the two. I am Muslim. I am gay. These are two aspects of a more complex me. I will still continue to be the best Muslim I can, and if being gay leads me to eternal damnation then so be it. I would much rather live a happy life than lying to everyone. Which to me feels like a bigger sin and it has deceit, possible adultery and soul crushing disappointment. I will continue to hope that my good deeds will be greater than my ‘sin’, but I have accepted that they may not be. It won’t stop me from being a good person however; that will never change.

    This is just my way of dealing with it. I am sure others are confused and may have other thoughts. I would be happy to hear from anyone regarding the issues. Also if I have misinterpreted or misquoted the Quran please forgive me. These were my understanding of the scripture.