You don't need a review to know whether this is for you or not. If you like monster films then this is a really great one. If you thought I, Daniel Blake was the greatest movie of all time or worship at the feet of Dame Maggie Smith then move along.

★★★★☆ | The Meg

Courtesy of Warner Bros. Pictures

THE MEG – Sex God Jason Statham takes on the biggest nastiest shark in cinema history in the ultimate muscular monster movie showdown an instant camp & cult classic & he’s never looked hotter.

Nutshell – Firstly this is a thriller, not a horror and the ultimate progression of The Stath’s career-long mano et mano film genre he has made all his own. A deep sea mission unwittingly releases the biggest beast known to man but a very big fish indeed. Can our hero stop the modern day Jaws from killing his crew and then hitting the nearby popular South East Asian beach?  It’s a non-stop, well thought out water bound action with serious bite, you will feel tense throughout but not scared.

Running Time – 113 Minutes – Cert 12A. That family-friendly certificate obviously takes a lot of blood and the gore out of the movie – this is not the new Jaws nor sets out to be.

Tagline – ‘Before Chasing Sea Monsters, Check Your Place On The Food Chain’

The Gay UK Factor – This is the one we have been waiting for all Summer, Jason Statham topless for two hours in swimming trunks or even less. Slipping on the tightest wetsuit ever seems to show every bulge and muscle ripple he has.  The original 1950’s Kinsey report & test of whether you were gay or not is now officially replaced by this movie. Is there a big shark in it? As we didn’t notice.

Cast – Jason Statham and no-one else you have ever heard of (Unless you watch endless Resident Evils) but frankly that is all you need, the others are just fish food, except the little dog as we loved him but oh dear he has fallen in the water too so now what will happen?

Key Player – This is a one-man show. The movie wouldn’t have been greenlit, made and got past its first studio meeting without the hunky star’s signature. The UK’s biggest movie star probably of the last decade just gets action movies made around him like no other actor and they always hit at the box office – Our island should be very proud of the guy who now has a record-breaking six movie franchises to his name. Tom Cruise has one.

Budget – $130 Million and in one week it has made double that back in profit totally pissing all over the other one man band Summer blockbuster Dwayne Johnson’s Skyscraper. This is the last big hit of the summer and fans are fucking lapping it up big time… but may not want to go back in the water for a bit!

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Best Bit – 0.47 mins; The Stath has to get a GPS tracker attached to the giant killer fish which means he has to swim real close to it. Cue the best heart-stopping scene of the film before the crazy good mad as a box of frogs climax.

Worst Bit – 0.05 mins; The opening prologue sets the scene some months before the main action and it’s OK but is nothing special. Film reviewers often use the term ‘Roller Coaster Ride’ and it has never fitted better here. Once you get over the initial warm up its non-stop excitement until you breathlessly hit the credits. One more rider please and Scream if you want to go faster!

Little Secret – Spot the Jaws music used here in the underwater cage scene plus numerous references to all four Jaws films & The Abyss. This was originally meant for George Clooney then when it was offered to director Eli Roth (Hostel and Inglorious Bastards etc) who wanted to cast himself as the hero but as an actor, his biggest role was as Frowny The Clown in a horror film so a star with more box office whoomph was sought.

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Further Viewing – Jaws 1-4, Piranha, The Deep, Open Water, Croc, Lake Placid, Orca, Deep Blue Sea and The Stath’s greatest hits Transporter, Crank. The Expendables, Fast & Furious 8, Spy, The Italian Job, The Pink Panther & of course Lock, Stock & Two Smoking Barrels.

Any Good – You don’t need a review to know whether this is for you or not. If you like the actor or this type of monster film then this is a really great one. If you want some fun escapism then you will be very happy but if you thought I, Daniel Blake was the greatest movie of all time or worship at the feet of Dame Maggie Smith then move along.

Rating – 70/100

About the author: Paul Stag
Estbablished gay writer for a well known monthly magazine Dirty Boyz part of Boyz magazine with about 30 pages published each time. Mainly adult entertainment, fetish, travel, events, film reviews. Also pop culture from movies/TV and music.