Once again it’s my annual review of the Oscars looking at who should win against who will win at the Kodak Theatre in barmy Hollywood on March 4th, 2018.
Will this year’s Call Me By Your Name feature in Paul’s Oscar predictions?
As always the top twenty movies of the last year are wholly absent from the nominations and there is such a wide chasm between what the critics ejaculate over and then win trophies as to what people actually want to go and see, buy popcorn and snuggle with a hot guy in the back row.
If you are a true movie fan, read on and see what the Oscars should be like if they gave statuettes to people and films folks have heard off and those with a gay bent.
BEST PICTURE – Should Win: Paddington 2 The highest rated movie in IMDB/Rotten Tomatoes history because every single critic loved it…
Will Win: Three Billboards Outside Ebbing Missouri if the aged voters can put up with all the swearing ‘f*cks’ and ‘c*nts’ throughout, (it is f*cking good though)
BEST ACTOR – Should Win: Chris Hemsworth’s member in bulging spandex in Thor Ragnarok or Arnie Hammer The Man From Uncle and Lone Ranger kissing a bloke and seeming to love it…
Will Win: Gary Oldman for the Darkest Hour well that is good make-up for ya.
BEST ACTRESS – Should Win: Gal Gadot for busting everyone’s balls in the megahit WonderWoman or Emma Watson who with Beauty and The Beast became the biggest box-office female earner of all time and she is British…
Will Win: Frances McDormand who is very good in an Oscar-baiting way in Three Billboards.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR – Should Win: Dwayne Johnson’s speedos in Baywatch and Jon Hamm’s tight jeans in Baby Driver or possibly Hugh Grant in Paddington 2…
Will Win: Sam Rockwell in a career-best performance in Three Billboards with the best character arc of all time.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS – Should Win: Keela Settle for her Top 10 charting great gay anthem showstopping song ‘This Is Me’ in The Greatest Showman…
Will Win: Laurie Metcalf in Ladybird but we preferred her on TV in Roseanne.
ANIMATION – Should Win: Johnny Depp’s acting in the appalling Pirates 5.….
Will Win: Coco, yes the incredible out of this world Coco…..is it the best-animated film in history?… quite possibly.
Best Foreign Language Film – No such thing according to my dictionary but if so it should go to T2 – Trainspotting 2 as we could not understand a bloody word…
Will win: the Swedish film nominated but there is a Russian nominee, and we all know how they like to fix results in their favour!
Costume Design – Should Win: Baywatch great tight beach gear on Dwayne Johnson and sex god Zac Efron.
Will Win: Unfortunately Victoria and Abdul which is the filmic equivalent of sleeping tablets.
Directing – Should Win: Edgar Wright for the hit of the summer Baby Driver.
Will win: Guillermo Del Toro for the monster shagging under the sea in The Shape Of Water.
Editing – Should Win: Baby Driver as it was just so cool.
Will Win: Dunkirk possibly the most overrated film of the year and boy did it do very poor business overseas.
Makeup & Hair Styling – Should Win: War Of The Planet Of The Apes by a mile.
Will Win: The Darkest Hour (Yawnnnnnn !).
Music – Should Win: Beauty And The Beast or The Greatest Showman both great musicals BUT…
Will Win: Dunkirk purely because of who the composer was. No more WW2 movies for a bit, please.
Original Song – Should Win: “Days In The Sun” or “Evermore” from Beauty And The Beast…
Will Win: This Is Me The new great Gay Anthem from The Greatest Showman still climbing the charts one month on and a trophy will help it gain eternal popularity.
Sound Mixing – Should Win: Thor Ragnarok, Marvel’s hit of the year and third biggest film ever.
Will Win: Star Wars The Last Jedi.
Visual Effects – Should Win: The genuinely incredible record-breaking Fast And Furious 8…
Will Win: Blade Runner 2049 now officially one of the year’s biggest flops.
Adapted Screenplay – Should Win: Call Me By Your Name, and it will win too – simply the best gay film since a couple of cowboys f*cked on a mountain without any douching facilities.
Original Screenplay – Should Win: Baby Driver …
Will Win: Get Out which was a very clever little profitable movie.
The Gay Oscar Film of the Year – Baywatch for the sex appeal, Wonderwoman for the camp and Call Me By your Name for taking the LGBT+ film world forward.
Stunt of the year – Arnie Hammers tonsil cleaning scene with his hot younger lover in Call or 15 separate sections of Fast and Furious 8 THE action movie of the year and the second biggest earner worldwide and boy was The Stath funny.
Hunk Of The Year – In a year where we had Zac Efron on the beach, pure hot man roles for Arnie Hammer, Chris Hemsworth and Chris Pratt the award goes to…..drum roll… Hugh Jackman who bowed out from Wolverine in Logan after nine movies and even more years with his shirt off showing an eight pack and sweating muscles which has been a work of pure gym and eating dedication for a decade.
Lifetime GAYUK Achievement Award – Superstud and man mountain Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson the former wrestler with a body to die for and die under started the year with the astonishing Fast and Furious 8 and finished it in the number one slot with Jumanji Welcome To The Jungle knocking Star Wars for six after just a fortnight and giving it a bloody nose or sore ass becoming the Winter surprise hit of the year.
Obituary of the Year – The Transformers franchise – what a f*ck up, Celebrity cameos Beckham in Robin Hood, Sheeran in Game Of Thrones, McCartney in Pirates, Ade Edmondson in Star Wars… please please make it stop; Also the end of TV movie reboots as Baywatch and CHIPS suffer, and many other careers go pear-shaped (Tom cruise in the terrible Mummy!) as huge blockbusters bomb like never before….The Great Wall, Dark Tower, Pirates 5 and Assassins Creed to name some of the biggest bombs of 2017.