THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN – 56 years on from the original we get an almost note for note remake of the most famous Western ever made with big stars and modern day stunt action.
Nutshell – They just don’t make films like this anymore. This is as old-fashioned as a guy using a condom for a shag in a London gay fetish bar or sauna. A town in peril recruits Seven loners to help defend them against a veritable army of bad guys, cue a very extended climax which not everyone is going to make it through in one piece – it feels very dated but that might be its charm and with two massive lead actors it is a worthwhile popcorn guzzler.
Running Time – 133 minutes; Certificate – 12A
Tagline – ‘Justice Has A Number’.
The Gay UK Factor – Two hours of hot men in cowboy gear, it’s like Brokeback Mountain with a lot more sweat and testosterone. There is a massive subliminal gay undercurrent between two of the Mag 7 who always seem just 5 seconds away from slipping their tongues up each other’s mouths and jumping into the ‘saddle’ to explore the reverse cowboy position for a decent shag. The fact that the two guys in question are the hottest men here namely Pratt and Garcia-Rulfo make this virtual Western gay porn.
Cast – The Seven are – Denzel Washington, Chris Pratt (Hot off of Guardians of the Galaxy and Jurassic Park), Ethan Hawke, Vincent D’Onofrio, our newest man crush Manuel Garcia-Rulfo plus two more and Peter Sarsgaard on bad guy duties.
Key Player – Denzel Washington just has that star quality that holds your attention in any scene of any movie and no difference here – and it’s his first time in cowboy gear.
Budget – $90 Million, Not a runaway hit but will turn a small profit we predict.
Best Bit – 1.40 mins; When the bad guys get out their secret weapon and the tables take a major turn for the worse against our team of Seven and their townsfolk buddies.
Worst Bit – 0.45 mins; Still travelling around the Midwest recruiting the allotted number of outlaws/vigilantes but it’s getting a bit repetitive now.
Little Secret – This is a remake of the original Mag 7 from 1960 which itself was a remake of the Seven Samurai from Six years earlier. The ‘So Far So Good’ joke told by Chris Pratt is the same as the Steve McQueen joke in the original. Pratt’s horse was the same talented beast that starred in Spielberg’s War Horse movie.
Further Viewing – This is as generic a Western as you will see so anything from True Grit to Rio Bravo, High Noon, The Searchers, Stagecoach, Unforgiven or even gay cowboy porn like Fisting Ranch Hands or To The Last Man where a bottle of Jack Daniels is used as a dildo!
Any Good – Actually yes it is – there is nothing overly clever here but you will be engaged as the slow build of the film leads to the extended action climax where you really route for all the protagonists some of which probably won’t make it out alive.
Rating – 54/100 (54th out of the last 100 films reviewed with 1 being Gay UK filmatic heaven and 100 being a dud).
