THEGAYUK

Tag: Movie Genre SciFi

  • FILM REVIEW | Solo: A Star Wars Story

    SOLO: A STAR WARS STORY – The second standalone film loosely around the edges of the ongoing 8-movie main space saga. This time we get Han Solo’s origin story, how he met Chewbacca and got his hands on that famous spaceship.

    Nutshell – A young Han Solo is a street criminal who gets involved with a major heist which goes wrong leading into some dramatic twists and some even greater high adventure across many planets as he meets Lando Calrissian, Chewie, the Millennium Falcon & others in a boys own tale way before the rebellion and all we know in the Star War’s universe, so why is it the poorest yet?

    Running Time – 135inutes – Cert 12A.

    Tagline – ‘Never Tell Him The Odds’.

    The Gay UK Factor – The relatively unknown Alden Ehrenreich best known for a minor part in the Coen Brothers’ Hail Caeser takes over the Han Solo role made famous by Harrison Ford in an interpretation rather than an impression of the great man. He is a good looking lad in a sexy ‘Years & Years’ type bend over and suck chavvy way but he is much better to look at and fantasize over than watch as his acting is boring and he wrecks what should have been a great Indiana Jones in space type yarn, but he does look fit and fuckable throughout.

    Cast – Alden (Mr Wooden) Ehrenreich, Emilia (Game Of Thrones) Clarke, Danny Glover, Thandie Newton, Paul Bettany and that Natural Born Killer Woody Harrelson fresh off his superb third Oscar nom for the incredible Three Billboards.

    Key Player – Ron Howard formally of the Happy Days TV show is a great director especially with cerebral fodder like Apollo 13 & the Da Vinci Code series but he is not good at action as we see with the likes of Willow, Backdraft and InThe Heart Of the Sea. Therefore why he was picked for this and accepted we will never know. He tries his best but this was never going to be more than a three-star movie and worse, the writing and casting departments are even bigger fuck up merchants here.

    Budget – $300 Million which is a hefty price tag. It will be the first Star Wars in history to lose money in North America and this franchise does not travel as well as say the Fast & Furious/Transformers & Superhero films do. Therefore a disappointment all around and lessons need to be learnt.

    Best Bit – 0.43 mins; The first heist which is the much-telegraphed roller coaster type train sequence as seen on the posters and trailers works well. It’s exciting and you have no idea what is going to happen next – There is a world war 2 feel to it a bit but the Expendables did this sort of thing a lot better.

    Worst Bit – 1.46 mins; After the final big action sequence we get a prolonged confusing twist heavy epilogue over who has been screwing over who but frankly you won’t care. It is a real bugger’s muddle (whatever that is – probably one of our editor’s sex parties); there is one saving grace by the sudden unexpected appearance of an unadvertised much-loved character from the earlier films but soon you are back to the sodden screwy dialogue like the Handmaid’s Tail with dicks.

    Little Secret – We finally get to find out what Chewbacca’s age is – he is 190 yo which means he is 200 for a New Hope and then through all the other Star Wars films he ages to 234 yo in the Last Jedi so now we have an accurate timeline to the saga. Ron Howard was brought on to direct after the original duo of Lord and Miller had been dismissed for ‘Creative Differences’ i.e. the film was not working. It is estimated that Howard shot 80% of the final film but which scenes no-one is letting on, this film was problematic throughout like a straight guy giving his first blowjob.

    Further Viewing – Star Wars 1 through 9 obviously, Indiana Jones 1 to 4, Romancing The Stone, Von Ryan’s Express, Battlestar Galactica, Thor Ragnarok and anything heisty like say Ocean’s 11 or The Inside Man.

    Any Good – This is a three-star movie and there is nothing bad about it or particularly good either. The problem is that is just not good enough for a Star Wars film. It will be the least financially successful and the poorest reviewed of the saga and it will disappoint fans Worldwide. So what went wrong – to soon after the last one (just 5 months from The Last Jedi), poor casting, wrong director, confused ending probably tied by potential & now unwanted sequels and the existing story arcs of the characters in the original films and on top of that an appalling release schedule squashed between the superior Deadpool 2, Avengers Infinity War and Jurassic World hits. A flop all around that could have been avoided like trying to give your partner the shag of his life after 8 pints….points for effort but overall unsatisfactory and your glad when the floppy thing has run its course.

    43/100

  • FILM REVIEW | Alien Covenant

    ALIEN COVENANT – The Eighth film in the franchise about the acid-bleeding Alien Xenomorph with the original director Ridley Scott back to pick up exactly after the end of the lukewarmly received Prometheus prequel with some repeat characters.

    Nutshell – 10 years after the events of Prometheus and sometime before the original Alien sequence of films a colony ship The Covenant is diverted to a potential paradise planet. Of course, it turns out to be anything but, leading to a turn of events & possible terrifying fate so a big escape is needed in this very noisy much more horror orientated movie than its sister film. It’s in many ways a greatest hits of the other seven films that result in something generally a lot less satisfying as it gets more and more complicated… and there is a third one to come requiring university degrees

    Running Time – 122 minutes; Certificate – 15.

    Tagline – ‘The Path To Paradise Begins In Hell’.

    THEGAYUK Factor – It depends on how much you fancy Michael Fasbender as there are no other potential studs here. Michael does talk an awful lot about fingering, playing with holes etc but you will probably be too worried about what the aliens are up to around the corners to get a hard on.

    Cast – Michael Fassbender and Guy Pearce are back from Prometheus and are joined by Katherine Waterson, Billy Crudup, Danny McBride who has a distinct gay bear thing going on and a bunch of unknown alien acid teeth fodder. There is also an uncredited James Franco here the king of the gays.

    Key Player – Ridley Scott is the ruler of this world and he is in his element here. His set pieces are great but he struggles to really give us anything new and boy does he make it complicated. The big thing missing here is tension.

    Budget – $111 Million the most expensive alien yet and it’s sure to make a profit – we predict it rounding out at about 400 Mill in the bank so, on to number nine..

    Best Bit – 1.38 mins; The big action beat involving an out of control spaceship is top notch and this film works better as an action blockbuster than a horror and yet it was the latter it was aiming for!

    Worst Bit – 0.03 mins; The opening unconnected scene of Fassbender and Pearce in a white room is pure 2001 A Space Odyssey and is a load of b*llocks. Total Prometheus type crap brings on the monsters and the killing.

    Little Secret – Shot on location in Australia and New Zealand using some of the same locations as The Lord Of The Rings Trilogy. In 2015 Scott announced that this would be the second after Prometheus in a new Aliens trilogy for the third one please remember to bring a pen and notepad to sort it all out. The first alien movie since HR Giger whose images created the Alien past away.

    Further Viewing – Aliens 1-7, A couple of Predators, Blobs and The Things a plenty, Interstellar and the recent Arrival, Passengers and last months space horror Life.

    Any Good – This is fine it is no Alien or Aliens that’s for sure but it is way better than Prometheus as at least you get some monster action here throughout the second and third acts. The twist is one of the most obvious of all time but it is still a hugely enjoyable fun movie just don’t expect big scares – are we used to this by now or is it the fact that we just don’t care about any of the crew as there is no Sigourney in her underpants here. A valid addition to the franchise but not a game changer.

    Rating – 58% out of 100

  • FILM REVIEW | Guardians of the Galaxy 2

    GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY 2 – The Fab 5 of the Marvel universe are back after the surprise huge success of part 1 – cue big laughs, huge action and a fantastic 70’s cheese pop hit soundtrack.

    Guardians of the galaxy review

    Nutshell – After saving the universe last time our heroes are now in huge demand as hired troubleshooters across the stars dispatching monsters to the songs of ELO. Groot is now Baby Groot and Rocket the gun-toting racoon is causing havoc left, right and centre. Starlord finds his father, but is everything as it seems? Soon all hell is breaking loose and the universe needs saving all over again. This time with even more comedy in the funniest Superhero film of all time.

    Running Time – 136 minutes; Certificate – 12A.

    Tagline – ‘Anyone Can Save The Galaxy Once’.

    THEGAYUK Factor – Don’t be late as right at the start Chris Pratt gets naked in two shower scenes which are wholly unnecessary except to satisfy his massive gay following that he is very aware of. You will greatly enjoy his buff muscular body and at this rate, we expect him to deliver full naked ass shots in next year’s Jurassic Park and we really hope he has to bend over to pick something up.

    Cast – Chris ‘Mr Muscles’ Pratt, Zoe Saldana, Dave Bautista, Kurt Russell, Sylvester Stallone and the returning voices of Vin Diesel and Bradley Cooper as Groot and Rocket respectively.

    Key Player – It’s a three-way split between whoever produced the great sing-a-long Awesome Mix Tape 2, James Gunn who directed but even more successfully wrote it and Bradley Cooper whose rodent gets all the very best lines.

    Budget – $200 Million which is a whopping sum but after its first week of worldwide release it has made $250 Million and it will make at least three maybe four times that in total – a new money making bandwagon has begun – sequel movies are going nowhere.

    Best Bit – 0.47 mins; Rocket Raccoon takes on a whole army of opponents in a forest with a bunch of ingenious traps that will get any cinema crowd whooping and hollering. When Rocket is on the screen this movie soars.

    Worst Bit – 1.35 mins; The characters here are great the story isn’t. This really hits home at the three-quarter mark when the big bad’s plan is revealed and you A) don’t understand it B. have no interest in it and C) don’t want it resolved by endless blinding CGI.

    Little Secret – They planned a cameo by David Bowie but his death vetoed that, Miley Cyrus, The Hoff and Howard The Duck do make it in. Don’t be late or you will miss Chris Pratt naked and certainly don’t leave early as there are a record-breaking five scenes during the end credits.

    Further Viewing – Guardians 1, Avengers 1 & 2, Thor 1 & 2, Fantastic Four movies if you really have to and everything in the Marvel cannon as all these films intertwine and we are heading fast towards Avengers Infinity War which is two films where the Guardians meet The Hulk, Captain America, Iron Man, Spiderman etc – The biggest movie or car crash of all time coming to megaplexes next year.

    Any Good – Wow, this is great fun, really really great fun, you will laugh, cry, dance, sing and yelp with excitement – go see it now. After last years endless blockbuster disasters, yes Ghostbusters/Independence Day/Batman V Superman and X-Men we are looking at you with Beauty and the Beast & Fast & Furious 8 and now this we could be in for a run of Billion dollar movies through 2017 via Pirates/Aliens/Star Wars/Apes/Transformers/Minions etc – we predict 2017 will be the biggest money making year in a Century of Hollywood movie making; Exciting times.

    Rating – 89% out of 100.

  • 60 SECOND FILM REVIEW | Star Wars Rogue One

    60 SECOND FILM REVIEW | Star Wars Rogue One

    ROGUE ONE: A STAR WARS STORY – Completely separate stand-alone Star Wars movie with all new characters telling the story that leads right up to the split second the original classic started back in 1977 when Leia leads the plans into R2D2 and Darth bursts through that door.

    Rogue One Star Wars review
    Rogue One: A Star Wars Story..L to R: Jyn Erso (Felicity Jones) and Cassian Andor (Diego Luna)..Ph: Jonathan Olley..© 2016 Lucasfilm Ltd. All Rights Reserved.

    Nutshell – The Empire is developing an ultimate weapon thought to be a planet killer which we of course we know becomes the Death Star. The Rebels have a plan to stop it which involves stealing its original plans which all goes well until Darth Vader turns up and then people start dying… an awful lot of people.

    Running Time – 133 minutes; Certificate – 12A

    Tagline – ‘Save The Rebellion, Save The Dream’

    The Gay UK Factor – Loads of hot guys in uniforms makes for a good starting place. The second Star Wars in a row to have a female lead but this time we have a very sexy guy at her side in the form of the hottest Mexican you have ever seen Diego Luna playing Cassian Andor and boy does that tight rebel uniform sticks to him in all the right places – we wonder if all the other stormtroopers & rebels are also horse-hung as he appears to be.

    Cast – Felicity Jones, Diego Luna, Adam Tudyk plus some major stars like Forest Whitaker, Mads Mikkelsen, Jimmy Smits and the very f**kable Ben Mendelsohn plus Peter Cushing and others photoshopped in for Seventies memory jerks.

    Key Player – The Star Wars saga has produced the best three robots in cinema history – time to meet number Four. K2SO is a Seven-foot new favourite and this robot seems as though he has been a regular performer down the Comedy Store for ages – you will laugh a lot.

    Budget – $200 Million the second biggest of the year and it is expected to make four times that back at least as there is little competition in theatres at present and it is only 11 months until the next one….Kerching !

    Best Bit – 1.50 mins; Two of the main characters have to climb up a giant indoor tower in a control room under fire in the best action sequence in the movie – all very exciting, time is running out fast and will they both survive?

    Worst Bit – 0.31 mins; With all new characters, it takes a bit of time to get going and there is a lot of introductions and expositions required. This is most apparent in a drawn out prison scene when you have really come to see lazer duels and starship battles.

    Little Secret – The inside of the Death Star was filmed at Canary Wharf underground station outside of normal hours. The most famous scene in the trailer where the lead female character on a platform comes face to face with a Tie fighter is not in the movie at all surprisingly but will be on the DVD release in 2017

    Further Viewing – Star Wars 1 – 7 are basic canon for the enjoyment of this also try Star Trek 1-13, Battlestar Galactica, Independence Day, The Black Hole and a million other spaceship battle movies that have become big-screen staples or anything with loads of sword battles like say Game of Thrones before it became repetitive.

    Any Good – This is very impressive stuff and with a tonne of surprises linked with a multitude of nostalgia and throwbacks to earlier (or later) films. The British director breaks a lot of rules here yet sticks to the standard plot build up of the recent SW movies. This will make megabucks and deservedly so and now we head into the Fortieth Anniversary year with the biggest movie yet on the horizon and one a year guaranteed from now on so it’s good times if you feel the force and bad news if you prefer Poldark, Grantchester and Downton type snore bores.

    Rating – 86% out of a hundred (That’s 10% up from the Force Awakens)

  • FILM REVIEW | Set the Thames on Fire

    FILM REVIEW | Set the Thames on Fire

    ★★★★ | Set The Thames On Fire

    London is slowly being engulfed by water while two young men attempt to survive in a society that’s gone a bit loony in the new film Set the Thames on Fire.

    Set The Thames On Fire
    CREDIT: Multitudemedia

    Billed as ‘an agony in 3 acts,’ this dystopian fantasy slash black comedy is set in the future where the London we know of today is gone, and there’s water everywhere because the Thames has overflowed, with Monument almost covered half way up in water. There are two levels of society, the rich and the poor, and Art (Michael Winder) and Sal (Max Bennett) fall in the later category. They meet at a cocktail party for the rich – Art is hired to play the piano while Sal, who has just escaped from a psychiatric hospital, gets by on his very good looks.

    The men form a bond, and Art invites Sal to stay with him in his dilapidated flat. The landlord, Mrs. Hortense (Sadie Frost) wants the rent from Art but is satisfied when Sal pays her in sexual favors. The men dream of one day leaving for Egypt, escaping the cruel city that London has become, and even more so to escape the evil and ugly Impresario (Gerard McDermott) who now rules over the kingdom. But they encounter many eccentrics and weirdos in the pocket of the city in which they live; a fortune teller (Sally Phillips) who expresses disbelief in her daughter’s stupidity; a mad transvestite (the excellent and scary Noel Fielding) who is quite deranged and who expects both men to perform sexual acts on him; a magician (David Hoyle); and masked policemen who roam the city and kill on the spot – no questions asked.

    Set the Thames on Fire is a buddy movie where two young men try to survive, and attempt to leave, a city that’s pretty much no longer habitable, with the Thames rearing it’s ugly head. It’s first time director Ben Charles Edwards who brings us a film that’s both different yet compelling. Great turns by both leads and a great supporting cast make this film reminiscent of one of Terry Gilliam’s films (Brazil) where society is not what it is today.

    Set the Thames on Fire is in cinemas from 16 September, on demand from 19 September and on DVD from 26 September

     

  • FILM REVIEW | Star Trek Beyond

    STAR TREK BEYOND – The 13th Star Trek film – remember the odd-numbered ones are the good ones does that all change here?

    Nutshell – The third movie in the rebooted series. The crew set off from the best spaceport in the Universe to help a missing crippled ship in a nebula hence out of contact. They come under attack from a big bad guy who has been planning bigger dirty deeds from afar which soon become apparent and whilst he sets off to destroy said spaceport and all human kind, our heroes are separated, enslaved or worse on a desolate planet that looks like a quarry in Surrey (Actually Vancouver).

    Time – 122 mins; Certificate – 12A.

    Tagline – None. Let’s face it you know what you are going to get by now after 50 years and are either in or out.

    THE GAY UK FACTOR – Chris Pine and Idris Elba in mano et mano wrestling and fighting action as to who gets to live or in our universe loser gets done in the ass by the winner as in Kink.com’s wrestling videos online.

    Cast – Chris Pine, Zachary Quinto, Simon Pegg, Zoe Saldana, Karl Urban with all the regulars plus Idris Elba and Sofia Betella and a bunch or red-shirt cannon fodder.

    Key Player – Simon Pegg has now also taken on writing duties so the humour is upped substantially and it works. Of course he still plays Engineer Scotty, superbly too, and has quietly gone from BBC TV sitcom land to possibly our biggest movie star with this franchise plus two others with the Mission Impossible and Ice Age films plus his own starring comedies like Shaun Of The Dead, Hot Fuzz and Paul, where does he find the time – Nick Frost who?

    Budget – $185 Million, It’s positive reception will mean that it will turn out to be a very profitable little number especially in a Summer of underachievers yes Ghostbusters and Independence Day 2 we are looking at you.

    Best Bit – 0.31mins; The first time the bad guys attack we get a very long, tense and sustained action sequence with real threat as the Starship Enterprise gets destroyed piece by piece before your very eyes….or does it?

    Worst Bit – 1.28 mins; When Kirk goes all ‘The Great Escape’ on a vintage motorbike he finds in space….yes we know! Many critics say this is a great action movie but not a Star Trek film, judge for yourselves of course but this sequence would fit much better in Fast and Furious 8: Vin Diesel in a space quarry.

    Little Secret -Writer Simon Pegg and director Justin Lin made the decision of making Sulu gay as a nod to original actor George Takei, who has since become a prominent LGBT rights activist. After production on the film was completed and a month before the film’s release, Anton Yelchin (Chekov) was killed in a freak car accident. During the end credits, there is a caption “For Anton”.

    Movie Mistake – As the Enterprise gets hacked to pieces and split in two it seems incongruous that the lights, air, gravity seem unaffected. Then the ship starts to flip upside down but still the crew are running along floors and ceilings with gay abandon. Newton’s law of gravity for christsake!

    Further Viewing – Well you have twelve others to go at for starters our fave is number 4 The Voyage Home followed by First Contact; Stargate, Aliens, Battlestar Galactica and anything from that galaxy far away and a long long time ago.

    Any Good – Well yeah, the rebooted formula is well sorted now and the cast fit their parts perfectly. The original story is done and there is no attempts at cameos from Trek characters of the past just a straight forward adventure movie. Like a TV episode three times as long and with 50 times the budget. One of those rare Trek films that would appeal outside of the home fan-base. Number 14 please.

    Rating – 34/100 (34th out of the last 100 films reviewed with 1 being Gay UK filmatic heaven and 100 being a dud).

  • FILM REVIEW | Ghostbusters

    FILM REVIEW | Ghostbusters

    GHOSTBUSTERS – New York is flooded by angry ghosts once again – who ya gonna call ?… The all female reboot that’s who.
    The Ghostbusters Abby (Melissa McCarthy), Holtzmann (Kate

    Nutshell – Thirty-two years after you first heard that legendary song and saw that logo the female Ghostbusters take over with a mega budget and a host of famous cameos plus all the major players (in different roles) from the original films. From the team that brought you recent megahits like Bridesmaids and Spy, means you are in very safe hands with four former Saturday Night Live girls in the lead roles who know how to get laughs a plenty. It has exactly the same tone as the original two movies and is great fun. Bustin’ makes us feel good.

    Time – 116 mins; Certificate – 12A.

    Tagline – ‘Who Ya gonna Call’ & ‘Answer The Call’.

    THE GAY UK FACTOR – If THEGAYUK office was making a Ghostbusters movie we would put Chris Hemsworth in tight T-shirts in as many scenes as possible. We would show several shots of the 6’4″ Aussie muscle hunk with his shirt off and we would close the movie with a three minute private lap dance with the sex god over the credits. Guess what the producers give us exactly all that and more and therefore topping up to our wank bank to the brim.

    Cast – Melissa McCarthy, Chris Hemsworth’s ass, Kristen Wiig, Chris Hemsworth’s pecs, Bill Murray, Chis Hemworth’s cock, Charles Dance, Chris Hemworth’s abs, Ozzy Osbourne, Chris Hemsworth’s thighs and an awful lot more of Chris Hemsworth and some other actors too…

    Key Player – Melissa McCarthy is the current queen of comedy and she leads from the front here in what should be an ensemble piece. She has so many funny lines many of which she ad-libbed. She is on the biggest roll in Hollywood at the moment with twelve straight hits and no misses and it won’t stop here.

    Budget – $144 Million, It will make a profit but won’t bust blocks as may have been hoped for it but a sequel will follow as set-up nicely with the post credit twist.

    Best Bit – 1. 44 mins; The end credits are simply great, with funny comedy clips, outtakes, sequel teasers and that Chris Hemsworth dance routine which caps out the whole movie nicely.

    Worst Bit – 21.00 mins; The big bad is neither very big or very bad and the film really picks up when in Scooby Doo type fashion the evil spirit starts to take over various main cast members and upping both the fun and jeopardy.

    Little Secret – When the movie was first assembled it was a butt clenching 4 hours and 15 mins long so some severe editing was required. As of today its trailer on YouTube was the most hated of all time as fans did not like the idea of the original guys being replaced by gals.

    Movie Mistake – Lots. After the first ghostly encounter when Erin is covered in gloop she hugs Abby who in the next shot has no gunk on her whatsoever, the ghostbusters vehicle Ecto 1 appears in their garage HQ before they have even acquired it in the story and the evil spirit can control a whole army of men and makes them dance but stupidly appear to have no power over the four ghostbusting girls who are obviously the real threat.

    Further Viewing – Ghostbusters 1 & 2, Men In Black 1 & 2, Bridesmaids, The Boss, Heat, Sister Act or anything with Sandra Bullock or Bette Midler in.

    Any Good – Perfectly adequate no more and no less. We have a suspicion that now all the homages to the original is out of the way that the sequel will be truly great. A weird kind of experience where after a neat opening scene, the movie then dips substantially and then gets gradually builds and gets better and better throughout as it progresses to a very lively climax . Giving you a marathon feel rather than a sprint.

    Rating – 51/100 (51st out of the last 100 films reviewed with 1 being Gay UK filmatic heaven and 100 being a dud).

  • 60 SECOND FILM REVIEW | Independence Day : Resurgence

    60 SECOND FILM REVIEW | Independence Day : Resurgence

    INDEPENDENCE DAY: RESURGENCE – The aliens are back to try and take over the world and destroy some more well-known landmarks 20 years after the first campy sci-fi classic. The effects have moved on greatly but has the story gone with it?

    (C) CREDIT: Fox

    Nutshell – Same format almost exactly but everything is a lot bigger and noisier this time. A random bunch of unconnected characters all have their moments just like last time and are all needed in some way to defeat a much bigger threat from outer space. This time the aliens mean business with only one ship but here it lands in the Atlantic ‘Which bit ? a character asks ‘the whole of it as this warship is 3,000 miles across’ is the reply and their plans are even more full on this time, but us humans have some new extraterrestrial help too.

    Time – 121 mins; Certificate – 12A

    Tagline – ‘We had twenty years to prepare….so did they’.

    THE GAY UK FACTOR – The younger Hemsworth brother the hunky Liam for a full two hours in military uniform is the main attraction here. His brother Chris (Thor) has been at the very top of our wank bank for years but his younger sibling has the same Aussie man’s man muscle look!

    Cast – Liam ‘megabulge’ Hemsworth, Jeff Goldblum, Vivian A Fox, Judd Hirst, Bill Pullman basically everyone is back except Will Smith who obviously knew something the others didn’t (and wanted far too much cash – see below).

    Key Player – Jeff Goldblum is pure class, he eats up the screen and brings his much loved puzzled scientist from, The Fly and Jurassic Park films front and centre here as he slowly works out at the same pace as we do what the big bad’s are really up too.

    Budget – $165 Million a full $100m more than the first film now that’s inflation for you and it doesn’t make it a better film one bit. It will make profit as all brands tend to do but it won’t make enough to kickstart a third film which is somewhat trailed here (and was the original plan).

    Best Bit – 0.31 mins; A very tense rooftop hospital rescue which is genuinely nail biting and you won’t guess how the scene ends as it has the movies best twist.

    Worst Bit – 0.33 mins; As London gets demolished instead of Washington DC and New York last time we hit special effect overload as the good guys attempt their escape. Its effects look poor because they are, the scenario does not work at all and it is ludicrously unbelievable, unthrilling and you won’t care about the outcome which is pretty obvious anyway.

    Little Secret – The original film ID1 was the second highest grossing film of all time when it was released behind Jeff Goldblum’s other hit Jurassic Park. Will Smith was due to reprised his role here but Fox Studio turned down his record-breaking fee of $50 Million.

    Further Viewing – ID 1, War Of The Worlds, Mars Attacks, Alien 2, Predator, The Day The Earth Stood Still & V The classic TV series.

    Any Good – ID 2 is fine, no more no less. It is not a classic like the first one and it hugely misses the presence of Will Smith and his ‘Welcome to earth’ one liners. The fault is with the same director Roland Emmerich who this time is simply just phoning it in, this needs a much better story and more threat. We cannot remember a film when less would have been so much more than we have here – the first film was truly superb and had so many great ideas crammed in this one doesn’t and isn’t.

    Rating – 74/100 (74th out of the last 100 films reviewed with 1 being best and 100 being a damp squib).

    ORDER From Amazon | iTunes

  • FILM REVIEW | Teenage Mutant Nija Turtles: Out Of The Shadows

    FILM REVIEW | Teenage Mutant Nija Turtles: Out Of The Shadows

    TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES: OUT OF THE SHADOWS – The sequel to the hit family rebooted franchise now in its 30th year about the four amphibians up against Shredder once again and another old favourite bad guy. This is the seventh full length turtle film to date.

    CREDIT: Paramount/YouTube

    Nutshell – The Turtles are still hiding in the sewer from public view acting as vigilantes with their two human and one rat accomplaces. Their nemesis Shredder breaks free of custody, makes it to Dimension X where he meets Krang the ultimate Turtle enemy. He has a device to conquer earth but just needs two more parts and the amphibians out of the way. A breakneck adventure takes them all to the Amazon and back and along the way the Turtle Power team disintegrates and find a way to become human and leave their amphibian lives behind forever.

    Time – 113 mins; Certificate – 12A

    Tagline – ‘Raise Some Shell….Only One Team Can Save Us All’.

    THE GAY UK FACTOR – It’s a family film but the new love interest for April O’Neil is megahunk Stephen Amell playing the ongoing character of Casey Jones. You may know him as Green Arrow from the hit superhero TV series and he is 10 out of 10 in anyones books with an ass built to be rimmed. Hopefully the shirt comes off in the next film.

    Cast – The worlds hottest babe Megan Fox, Will Arnett, Laura Linney, Will Amell and a heavily made-up and barely recognisable Tyler Perry.

    Key Player – The special effects team as you really forget that the four leads are not real and it makes the film truly entertaining. Even more important is the special effects crew producing two of the top five stunt sequences of the year.

    Budget – $135 Million and in this special effects delight it is all up on the screen. Already profited with $150 million and in the top 10 most successful movies of the year and climbing so bring on the next one.

    Best Bit – 0.14 mins; A great action sequence where ‘The Foot’ on souped up motorbikes set about kicking some cop ass to free Shredder from his prison convoy. The Turtles enter the fray and all hell breaks loose. Simply the best stunt scene of the year so far.

    Worst Bit – 0.18 mins; Our first visit off planet to Dimension X which is fine but the problem is Krang himself. As the ultimate bad guy here in a huge robot suit he just looks like Davros with a headcold and easily defeatable. Shredder alone as seen last time around is the perfect foe and there was no need to steroid up the bad team.

    Little Secret – The fan base goes wide – Director Dave Green has been a huge TMNT fan from childhood; he used to dress up as Donatello.
    Kevin Eastman the creator of “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” universe all those years ago, appears as a pizza delivery guy.

    Movie Mistake – They get it spot on except for April’s reappearing and disappearing black trousers in the Britney Spears school girl spy tracking scene.

    Further Viewing – Any of the many entries in the Turtle Power cannon, Ghostbusters, Transformers 1-5, Men In Black, Any Marvel or DC superhero film especially the Spidermans.

    Any Good – As with other sequels you will have made up your mind on your interest level when you saw the title alone. If already on board then this is a step up from the last one with some clever ideas and great stunt work, if not then nothing new here to bring you on side.

    Rating – 39/100 (39th out of the last 100 films reviewed with 1 being best and 100 being a damp squib).

    Order it from Amazon

  • FILM REVIEW | X-Men: Apocalypse

    X-MEN : APOCALYPSE – The Third, Sixth or Ninth helping from the X universe depending on how you are counting them up and this time it’s the end of the world by missile or metal in the earths core we got confused.
    Photo Credit: Alan Markfield.

    Nutshell – A huge cast of characters come together to do battle with Apocalypse a century’s old mutant from ancient Egypt who is backed with his oh so evil four horsemen one of which is regular Mutant bad guy Magneto. Everyone is back but it all turns into a bit of a confused mess to be honest trying to fit far too much in and so many character arcs. Extensive knowledge of the previous films will greatly help as they are referenced throughout but the real problem here is the bad guys who are pretty undeveloped and seem to be massively pissed at the 21st Century for no real reason we could see and boy is it long leading eventually to a pretty weak and throwaway climax.

    Time – 144 mins; Certificate – 12A

    Tagline – ‘Prepare For The Apocalypse; Only The Strong Will Survive’.

    THE GAY UK FACTOR – As with all superhero films you get a load of very fit muscular guys in tight spandex outfits and this film has more than most so all good there. Our faves are Michael Fassbender who is now odds on favourite to be the next James Bond and Nicholas Hoult who always looks so hot and sexually corruptible. Luckily they both have a lot of screen time and they stand out from every scene they are in.

    Cast – James McAvoy, Michael Fassbender, Jennifer Lawrence, Oscar Isaac, Nicholas Hoult, Rose Byrne and the sexiest new star we have seen for a long while Ben Hardy as Angel plus some famous uncredited cameos.

    Key Player – Michael Fassbender just hogs your attention throughout. In his third appearance as Magneto he could do this in his sleep but luckily this time he has an even bigger character arc to work with. He is now arguably the best actor on the planet and he relishes being a bad guy that you would not want to meet on a lonely dark street or maybe you would ?.

    Budget – A whopping $178 Million which it has just made back largely on the success of the previous titles in the franchise. This will be the least successful X-Men film to date and with no obvious threads as to where to go next so it might get interesting over at Marvel HQ and Wolverine may be getting a phone call.

    Best Bit – 0.10 mins; A great West Berlin sequench of forced cage fighting of mutants against their will that really makes you think you are in for a great movie – you aren’t..

    Worst Bit – 1.50 mins; The last 40 mins is a pretty overpumped uninvolving sequence of action beats that are all lacklustre. Maybe consider leaving early before the Cities of the World are turned to dust killing millions whilst none of the characters really seem that bothered about the death count.

    Little Secret – Although the box office on Apocalypse will be below what was hoped there are already two more X-Men films planned namely X-Force & X-Men: The New Mutants. This is the final part of the ‘First Class’ Trilogy and the future films will concentrate on the new young mutants introduced here.

    Movie Mistake – It all gets a bit questionable when Magneto starts to raise anything metal from the ground but there are so many things which don’t seem affected at all including cars and lorries in the background and then the metallic X-men airplane also seems to be un affected and don’t look to hard at all the English signs in the Auschwitz camp scene either.

    Further Viewing – Any movie with a X in the title or Wolverine, Avengers Assemble, Iron Man, The Fantastic Four, Guardians of the Galaxy and everything starring Fassbender.

    Any Good – It has all the right ingredients but boy does it do very little with the great talent, director and budget. This is without doubt the poorest of the series with too many characters and baddies you won’t register with. See it so as you know what is happening in the ongoing series but tbh this is a disappointment and a missed opportunity.

    Rating – 81/100 (81st out of the last 100 films reviewed with 1 being best and 100 being a damp squib).

  • 60 Second Film Review | 10 Cloverfield Lane

    60 Second Film Review | 10 Cloverfield Lane

    10 CLOVERFIELD LANE – The Man behind Star Wars/Trek & Mission impossible takes on Horror, Thrillers & Sci-Fi & that’s just for starters

    Nutshell – If ever there was a film that the less you know and see of it in advance it is this one. Is it a sequel to the original excellent Cloverfield ?… Well it’s in there somewhere, but with JJ Abrams in the background, who gave us 150 episodes of the ultimate spoiler friendly show Lost before Star Trek and the galaxy far far away there will always be more questions than answers. Part one is effectively Saw like then it hits full-blown Hitchcock for the tense 3 plus hander second section before the third part comes along which is a real barnstorming gobsmacker. Basically three people trapped in an underground bunker after an unknown possible Russian attack. Something for everyone then.

    Time – 102 mins (and you won’t be able to take one minute more); Certificate – 15

    Tagline – “Monsters Come In Many Forms” or do they !!!!!!!

    THE GAY UK FACTOR – No gay angle and nothing really for your cock here so take your straight mates and have a night of quality brain food rather than ogling Messrs Hemsworth, Statham or Reynolds and forgetting the plot.

    Cast – A tight team like a good stage play of John Goodman, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, John Gallagher Jr and oh there is a sex god in it with the voice of Bradley Cooper.

    Key Player – Mary Elizabeth Winstead is so good here and just as well as she is in every scene. She is believable when vulnerable and can switch to funny or fight back mode in a second which happens a lot here. The film would have been bigger with a starrier cast though.

    Budget – $15 million one of the lowest budget American films we have reviewed for a very long time but don’t worry this should make it into the English dictionary under ‘less is more’ and oh that climatic last act… So far it has made back 5 times its budget at $75 million and climbing now that’s a better investment than British Steel.

    Best Bit – 40 mins; Well we couldn’t pick anything from the last act due to spoiling the twists for yourselves. At 40 mins Michelle sees the effects outside of the bunker for the first time creating more questions than answers and then gets trapped in an airlock between two evils.

    Worst Bit – 30 mins; When the three in the bunker start to let their hair down and relax, have fun and tick the days off from their forced ‘two year’ confinement all to the poppy tune Tell Him by the Exciters. They should have used Bette Midler’s version. It lets up the tension probably necessarily but us gay guys love a full on thrill ride with no brakes.

    Little Secret – The petrol station in the film is not Esso or Shell but Kelvin the same as in JJ’s Super 8. It is a tribute to Abram’s maternal grandfather and he puts it in all his projects; In Mission Impossible it is on a letter, in Star Trek the ship is called the USS Kelvin etc etc and we know where it is in Star Wars The Force Awakens but we will let you find that for yourselves – it’s a doozey ! JJ describes this film as the ‘Blood Relative’ of the original movie and in the future they will be linked together in a whole Cloverfield universe with other movies he hopes to make which will be tough as the first one is hand-held camera footage and this is standard filmed action from beyond the fourth wall that we are used too.

    Movie Mistake – There are so many mysteries in this film that you are not sure what is a film mistake and what is deliberate to keep the questions flying around. Should the blood on the ring from the dead girl some years ago be still wet, the appearing and disappearing bandage on Goodman’s leg is it a mistake or the passage of time and the change of daytime to night in the ‘farmhouse’ scene was it deliberate. What is wrong is the ease that a character gets radio messages in one scene but not for the rest of the movie and oh that ever-changing size of spaghetti. Where was the continuity boy, probably off set blowing someone to try and get a walk on part.

    Awards – Not for this one but it will boost Winstead’s career immensely and it is great to have Goodman back. JJ Abrams is probably working on Cloverfield 3 which we will probably get before his next Star Wars outing.

    Further Viewing – Cloverfield, Room, All 53 of Alfred Hitchcocks, Saw’s 1-6, Sleuth and The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. Also Metal Hurlant Chronicles: Shelter Me which has the same plot and even the same character name, and series two of Lost where a guy is staying in a bunker fearing outside contamination with the same end results so now JJ is recycling his own plots and we are starting to feel as though we are trapped in a time-warp on an island with a smoke monster and some polar bears.

    Any Good – If you want a great thriller that is not like anything you have ever seen before although in many ways is this is for you. A great change from all the blockbusters and superheroes but fans of those will appreciate this too. A lot of great talent is behind this film and as the budget is so low these creative genius’ are free to let their hair down and have fun with the story, its set-up and pay-off. Most of all it is so so tense and you will be gripping the arm of your seat so tightly as if you have just got a hold of Channing Tatum’s bulging ‘Magic Mike‘ for the very first time.

    Rating 54/100 (54th out of the last 100 films reviewed with 1 being Gay UK filmatic ejaculatery heaven and 100 being as much fun as watching a winner of the Voice’s mega successful chart career)


    10 Cloverfield Lane Trailer by TheGayUK