It’s been a year since me and my first boyfriend broke up and I’m still can’t get over him. We were together for 2 years and unfortunately, it really didn’t end too well. One day he just said it wasn’t working and that he wanted to move on. Up until that point, I thought that we and our relationship was doing well. I did notice in the last month that he seemed more distance and we weren’t having as much sex as we were in the beginning, but I just put that down to being together for 2 years.
The break up came out of the blue and he moved out almost immediately. I was really shocked by it. I begged him and pleaded with him to come back and talk to me. He actually ended up blocking me after a month or so and I’ve been left here, feeling like complete shit.
I feel broken by the experience and very alone. I feel like I’ve alienated myself from my friends and I’m sure they are done with my talking about him. They say I should move on. But I feel completely stuck.
I have met with other guys, had a few dates, but nothing sticks because I keep thinking about him.
Is it normal to not be over an ex after a year?
Tomas
Dear Tomas,
I feel your pain. Breakups are never easy, whether you’re the breaker or the breakee and without a doubt, your ex did a horrible thing to you, by not explaining his actions. I really do feel that if you’re going to break up with someone, you have to be completely honest with them. I think it helps with closure.
By not telling you, he’s still in control of you, because it’s led you, understandably down a path of fixation, wondering and abandonment and by blocking you, without engaging with your questions, he’s still controlling the narrative. Which you can, and will change.
Let me say, it’s completely normal to not be over someone you’ve loved after any period of time and the time it takes for someone to get over an ex, will be different for everyone, you just have to trust that over time your pain will subside and there’s no schedule to follow.
He has scarred you and scars stay with us for life, but will diminish slowly over time and fade, but if we’re wise we can use that scar to remind us that everything eventually heals and what you’re left with is fresh, new skin, which is stronger than what it replaced. Healing is truly remarkable, but you have to let it happen and stop picking at the scar, no matter how itchy or tempting it is to reveal the renewed skin underneath. You have to let the process happen and one day the scab will fall away.
Dealing with heartbreak is just the same. Give yourself time, don’t beat yourself up and reach out to people and talk. If you think your friends have had enough ex chat then why not try an LGBT+ helpline like Switchboard.
We asked readers and our writers their top tips on how to come out. Remember, that everybody’s experience is different and not all these tips will work in your particular circumstances, but we liked the following top tips.
1) Only come out if it is what you want to do.
If you feel pressured into coming out, remember that it has to be your decision. It is a big decision to make in your life and the most important thing is that you feel comfortable with what you are doing.
2) Treat it like a bandaid and just tear it off.
Quick and almost painless. Just tell them, quickly, confidently and get it over with.
3) Don’t approach the situation like you’re about to announce you’re terminally ill.
Body language and the tone of your voice will play a massive role in how people react to what you’re saying.
4) Do it the way you most feel comfortable!
I told my Dad by letter, but my friends mainly face to face…it just got easier the more I did it.
5) Speaking to a helpline, like Switchboard – first.
If you’re not sure what to say. Talking with a counsellor or helpline can help you find the words you need to describe what you’re feeling.
6) Talk about someone else’s coming out.
If you’re not sure how to bring it up, casually talk about a celebrity’s recent coming out like Tom Daley or Charlie King and gauge the reaction before going any further.
7) If you don’t get the reaction you expect, don’t be put off.
You will get some negative reactions, but that is their problem not yours. The amount of positive reactions will far outweigh the negative ones.
8) It’s not an all or nothing deal.
You don’t HAVE to tell everyone all at once. Start off with one person and let it grow organically from there.
9) Don’t apologise.
10) There is no right or wrong way to come out.
It should be a tailor-made experience, as individual as you are.
11) Don’t come out
If you think that doing so is going to put your life in danger or make your living situation a living nightmare. Living with homophobic or transphobic parents or guardians could put the roof over your head into jeopardy by coming out. It’s so unfortunate, but for many it’s an outcome that sees them living on the streets. Work towards living independently, where it can be “your house, your rules”. In the meantime, find your tribe – your people, the people you feel most comfortable with -at school, at work, online. Share stories, be yourself with them and try to carve out an authentic life, until you’re able to be free.
This article was first published in 2014 and has been updated. We’ll continue to update it with more tips and advice as we get it.
If he has a profile photo and you are meeting through an app, right-click the image and do a google image search it to make sure it is him. It will be very clear, quickly if the picture is a stock photo.
Name check
If you have a forename and surname back to the search engine and check out social media accounts, Twitter, Facebook and Instagram.
Web trawl
Your research could mean you will be able to cross-reference the image to make sure it is current. Find out about his hobbies. Read his posts and find out about likes and dislikes. Check out his family and friends.
There may be professional profiles enabling you to look at the work play contrast.
Chat with him before a date
CREDIT: Ryazan / BIGSTOCK
Is the guy a big drinker? If so go for a meal unless you are thinking of loosening him up and getting into the sac.
For a meal, you may already know where he likes to eat or perhaps a favourite food. Coffee or Cognac? All this insider information could make you look intuitive and compatible. Just remember if he knows all there is about you too, it is time to smile at each other and reveal you are both members of Stalkers Anonymous!
“STOP THE BUS!” You will have a foot in the door and established a rapport with these cheats, but now it is time to interact.
First Date Advice
Best advice for a first date is listen and learn. You already know about yourself, so give the guy some time to tell you about him. Wait and see if he wants to learn about and ask about you.
If he loves puppies and brought you flowers (did I mention a small gift as an icebreaker) is attentive and smiles a lot, brushing aside questions about himself, he could be a keeper.
Get Out Clause
Have an out option in case he is not for you and the thought of spending another minute with him is hell on earth. I usually have a text ready to send and a friend primed to call me if I am bored, frightened or falling into the whirly pits of despair with a guy on a first date.
Don’t get caught out with the dreaded 5% battery warning. Make sure your phone is fully juiced and that you have a charging cable and an extra battery pack. Having an UBER account (if they operate in your area) on your phone with an up-to-date credit card is also essential.
Let someone know
Letting your flat/housemates, or friends or family know you’re out for the night is a good policy to have. Write down the address of the place you are going. Also, let your date know that you’ve let other people know that you’re out with them.
Falling in love can be magical. Falling out of love can suck.
Here are 10 telltale signs to look out for:
Cute Habits Turn Into Annoying Pet Peeves
All those sweet enamoured things they used to do, like holding open doors for you or putting their arm around your waist when you walk, slowly but surely become mind-numbingly infuriating. The little things that used to make you swoon now make you groan. More so, you find yourself actually looking out for these little ticks that fuel your anger and frustration rather than turning a blind eye.
You Seek Out Conflict
Picking fights used to be this grand, scary event that you’d mentally prep yourself up for beforehand. Now? Not so much. Bickering and arguing are practically the bread and butter of your relationship. The slightest of inconvenient occurrences can feel like the heaviest of set-backs. Did he forget to tell you he was seeing his friend tonight? Of course, he did, he’s so inconsiderate. Sound familiar?
Other Couples Highlight Your Insecurities
Double dates or group hangs just remind you of what’s missing in your relationship. You can feel the palpable envy in the air when a couple who can’t keep their hands off each other begin sucking face in front of you. It’s a gut-wrenching feeling to realise the infamous spark is gone and it feels better to stick your head in the sand than have your nose rubbed in it. Chances are if you’re jealous of another couple, it’s because they have something you don’t.
A Future With Them Is Unrealistic
Planning stuff together a week in advance makes you iffy. Thinking about a long-term future plan with a picket fence and kids makes you nauseous. It’s just not realistic to daydream about backpacking together or lounging on a matching set of towels together and still have it be fun. Or even tolerable. If that much time away, with only the two of you, makes you shiver then what’s the point in being with someone?
Saying Empty “I Love Yous”
Once more, with feeling. Three words that tingled your spine the first time you dared to whisper them into his ear. Your friends made such a big deal out of it. Truthfully, when you mumble them into the phone now it’s more out of habit or courtesy than love. They ring hollow, devoid of the fiery passion they once held. If they say it back in the same monotonous tone, odds are they’ve probably fallen out of love too.
A Relationship Just Isn’t What You Need Right Now
Perhaps other priorities have risen, be it a new career opportunity or needing to take care of a sick relative, and the sad yet honest answer is simply what’s written on the tin. A relationship isn’t your priority or necessarily even what you need. We all know how we love to think we know what’s best for ourselves. But it can be a bitter pill to swallow and admit. Maybe you rushed into things. Maybe you didn’t consider what you wanted out of the relationship. Maybe you don’t need to be in a relationship right now and that’s okay if you communicate it to your partner and not let it fester up and snowball.
You Care About Them… As A Friend
Attraction is important in a relationship. It’s not everything but it does play a pivotal role. If that attraction were to burn out, what’s supposed to be left is mutual respect and trust… right? So where do the distinct lines of friendship and relationship end? Attraction is a pretty good indicator. If you’re lucky enough to have a partner that ends up feeling like both a friend and a lover, congrats, but if it leans towards platonic (and let’s be honest, you know when it does) rather than romantic then that’s pretty self-explanatory.
The Thought Of Breaking-Up Isn’t Heart-Breaking
A long time ago, losing your significant other would absolutely crush you. Three to four months of mourning, minimum. Ice cream and tears galore. What springs to mind when you think about it nowadays is… meh. Not only do you find yourself caring less and less if you’re with them or not, seeing them doesn’t make your heart pitter-patter anymore. It wouldn’t shatter if he left for good, either, and if that’s the gospel truth well then that’s a pretty darn good sign.
He Doesn’t Satisfy You Anymore
There are plenty of things to do to spice up your sex life. Whole books are written on the topic. But if your relationship is suffering its very own mid-life crisis, it’s very likely that what used to be there isn’t anymore. Perhaps that’s where the jealousy of other couple stems from; sex is no longer pleasurable or as exciting or fun as it used to be. Tearing each other’s clothes off used to be common practice. If you’ve scheduled out a mandatory coitus sesh every Sunday night, and the thought of snacking afterwards is the only driving force to your climax, then it’s a pretty clear indication that the love part of your love-making is existentially dead.
You’ve Fallen For Someone Else
The ultimate sign that you’ve fallen out of love: being in love with someone else. Of course, this last sign only applies to monogamous couples. To have someone’s undivided devotion is wondrous. What can end up stinging the most, however, is finding out the hard way that’s not the case. People don’t like hearing it but there’s no easy way around telling someone you’re in love with someone else. Coming to terms with it yourself is a good starting point.
If any of these ten signs ring true, maybe you have a few things to consider. If not, cherish your love (or your singlehood!) and let’s all agree that love is simultaneously the biggest mystery and wonder of the world.
Last week I came home from a trip away for business. When I got back to my flat, my partner was out at work so I decided to go to bed for an hour for a nap. However, when I pulled back the sheets, I found an almost perfect outline, in fake tan, of another guy, on my side of the bed.
I share that bed with my BF. We’ve been in a relationship for five years. I feel so angry because clearly he’s had another guy over whilst I’ve not been there.
I’ve been suspecting he’s been cheating on me. It feels like he’s been secretive recently and spends a lot of time on his phone and he gets cagey when I ask him about it. Finding the tan print feels like all the proof I need. I’m about ready to pack up my bags.
James, 32
Dear James,
Before you pack up those bags, I’d urge you to have a conversation with your BF. Five years with someone is a lot to throw away over something you don’t have 100 per cent of the facts.
Facts first, actions later.
It’s completely understandable why you’ve jumped to the conclusion about the fake tan marks and who they might be from, but there may be a perfectly reasonable explanation. He may have had a friend over for the night, strictly platonic, they may not even be from another man, but a girlfriend of his… So ask your partner about what you’ve found.
Speak calmly and try not to be too confrontational. See what his response is. You’ll know whether his reply is bullshit or not and if your gut feeling is still telling you to leave, then pack those bags and leave.
The warning signs
CREDIT: monkeybusinessimages-bigstock
Spending lots of time on the phone, being secretive and acting cagey are some of the signs that a guy could be cheating on you, but also not.
The problem is, these are also some of the signs that a person’s mind is somewhere else, but it might not be another man (or woman). It could be about work, it could be about money, it could be stress, it could be he’s worried about a friend or a family member. You just don’t know until you sit down and speak with him.
Unfortunately, sometimes our darkest fears of being cheated on turn out to be true but that doesn’t necessarily mean we have to chuck everything away. You can, if you want to, work through your problems. Relationships can be salvaged, you have to be honest with yourself about what you want.
I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 3 years. Over the past few weeks we have been rowing constantly. He hadn’t been with any guys before me and felt that he’d missed out on a lot. He says he loves me but needs more. He’s suggested that we have an open relationship and that we’re both free to go with other men. I’m not interested in sleeping with anyone else. I’m not sure if it’s what I want from a relationship but I’m afraid if I don’t agree to it, he’ll just cheat on me and leave anyway? If I do agree to it, he might meet someone else.
Jack
Hi Jack,
It sounds like there is a lot happening for your relationship right now. All relationships, family sexual or romantic, go through changes and have to adapt along with the people in them. As part of this we need to renegotiate the terms and what we want from them. Although this may sound very cold and logical, of course, isn’t when it comes relationships.
From what you say. It sounds like your boyfriend is still exploring his own sexual identity, you were the first person he slept with and has been faithful to for the past three years. He is keen to experience sex with other guys but he still wants the security and intimacy that he obviously gets from being with you.
(C) BIGSTOCK
The good news is you are both talking clearly about what you want. The channels of communication are very much open. You’ve discussed opening the relationship and the ramifications but has he said specifically what he’s missed out? It may be worth seeing if there is a specific aspect of sex that he wants to experiment. It may be something that you may want to try.
It sounds like from your letter that you are not keen on the concept of an open relationship and that you would have insecurities about where it would lead. However you have also not dismissed the concept outright. This needs to be given equal weight in your discussion. As much as he has the desire to change the relationship, it’s ok if you don’t want to.
It feels like it would be a good decision for you to talk clearly about the practicalities of it. Would he tell the men that he is in an open relationship? Will you discuss who, where and when? Would you do this before or after? In terms of the guys he will be meeting, would they just be one-off encounters? Safe sex is also a vital part of this discussion. From doing this it will help you to make a decision based on fact and not from fear.
As I said earlier, all relationships will change and adapt. The discussion about opening the relationship is fluid. It may be the case that you try being open. If it doesn’t work for you, then you can always bring this back to the table, you can always discuss closing the relationship again. Open relationships aren’t for everyone; they require a high degree of trust and understanding. Hopefully, it gives both partners what they need to feel fulfilled.
Have you got a dilemma you’d like our writers and experts to answer? Click here
Dating apps like Grindr are basically an integral part of the gay dating world. It’s the source we love to hate when looking for a hookup or love online.
Hello hello hello… hi hi hi.
Dear god man, take the hint stop message me I don’t want to talk.
Torso is the window to your stomach
(C) BIGSTOCK
Look if you can’t show your face, I have to question whether I can be seen with you. Come on, it’s 2020 come out and show your face.
Otter looking for love
I’m an Otter looking for a bear… I’m a Chicken looking for a pug… On some dating apps you might feel like you’re in Animal Farm, or being put in a tiny box defined by the amount of body hair you have.
3 ft away.
This man is currently behind you, wearing a mask and asking whether you like scary movies. Honestly though I love seeing how far away I can run away from you…
Call Me Maybe Not
Those pesky pesky men who say they’re up for a relationship and then refuse to call… Those shady shady rag stains.
Fancy a shag?
Apps are an amazing way to get your end away and quickly…
Trades Descriptions.
That photo you’ve been using for the last 50 years is not fooling anyone.
Time Goes By So Slowly…
Often gay dating apps go on photo browsing alone and it can be so time-consuming as you scroll through 100s of men. A bit like the Tupperware catalogue, but with more plastic. Wouldn’t it be better for the app to work out who is going to be a good fit before showing you a bunch of people?
Better Leave Right Now.
Whatever happened to being able to just chat with someone and get to know him? Bring back the days of getting to know someone over hours of chats where you find out people are more like onions with layers rather than just bananas.
Premium.
Nobody is impressed with the fact that you have a premium account; in fact we’re actually thinking “you tosser”.
Well, what if ‘she’ wasn’t a she at all? For too long, the male victims of domestic violence have been just as ridiculed and silenced as women.
I was nineteen years old, and the only care I had in this world was whether I could afford to go out drinking three nights that week or just the one. I had a lovely little life, a full-time job in a shop, money coming in, and good friends until I went on a night out in Manchester. It’s so melodramatic to say, but it’s true – that night changed my entire life. That night, I met a guy, who I will call He/Him. He was cheeky and confident and broad, and I fancied the pants off him. I ended up back in his bedroom with a group of his mates, all chilling and listening to music until I ended up dropping off to sleep. Nothing happened, and in the morning he took me back to my friend’s house. I left Manchester later that day, and we vowed that we would keep in touch.
We visited each other once, maybe twice, before I decided I was going to spend the weekend with him in Manchester. There was a party at his place that weekend, and we were all dropping ecstasy like it was going out of style. In fact, a few years later it did go out of style, giving way to an assemblage of other drugs. The next morning I woke up next to him without any memory of the night before, how I’d gotten into bed, or how I was undressed. I should have known there and then. He told me, without an ounce of indignity, that we’d had sex while I was talking to two women who lived in the bedroom wall.
I laughed.
Laughed.
I was nineteen. I can’t recollect what my thoughts on this were at the time, but apparently I saw nothing wrong in this. Now, over a decade later, I know what word I would use to describe this event.
I don’t know what possessed me. I was having a good time, and I felt freer than I’d ever felt in my life, and I remember saying to him, “I don’t want to go home”, he said “Well, don’t.”
I didn’t.
I called my parents and informed them I wasn’t going to come home, and that I’d come back to collect my things. I had absolutely no thought in my mind of what this would do to my Mum and Dad, left in Liverpool wondering what their young son was up to in another city.
The relationship continued to be fun, and I took more and more ecstasy, replacing alcohol almost completely on nights out. I hadn’t noticed the subtle ways in which he’d already begun to control me: “you don’t need to work, I can look after you”, “don’t wear that, wear this”, “what if you did your hair like this instead”. I got a job anyway as a supervisor in a now-defunct clothing store in Stretford Arndale. The job didn’t last long because of what happened next.
We were out on a Sunday afternoon in a pub near the house. His friends were there, laughing and joking, and he said something sexual about me. I was mortified, because it was in front of everyone, and they all thought it was normal. I don’t remember what he said, but I remember feeling not just embarrassed, but defenceless. I excused myself and went outside to call my Mum. I explained to her that I wasn’t enjoying Manchester any more and that I wanted to come home.
After I finished the call, I turned around and there he was – the angriest face on a man that I think I’ve ever seen. I didn’t know what he had to be angry about, and I was about to go back inside when he started shouting. I didn’t know what else to do so I ran off toward the house. I wasn’t used to confrontations. He chased after me, caught me on the main road, bashed my head five times into the metal poles of a fence, and stood over me shouting more abuse.
Crying, I somehow managed to get to my feet and start running again. I thought I was being clever by taking some back roads toward the house, but these only led back onto the main road where he was waiting. He pushed me to the ground, I remember my jeans ripping, my front teeth scraping the floor, and him shouting “What? What are you looking at?” to two by-passers. They didn’t stop to help. The next part is a haze. I think one of his friends caught up and dragged him off toward the house. I followed some time after. I got to the mirror in the bathroom and saw blood all over my face and head. His friend told me to “wipe it off, he can’t see the blood on you”. I told him he was going to have to look at what he’d done.
Then, he did something very clever. He came downstairs, took one look at me, started crying, took a knife from the kitchen and went out. Well, that was it. How could I leave a man, clearly emotional, on the streets with a knife, scared that he’d hurt himself. Needless to say, after hours of looking, I found him back at home. Unharmed.
The next day he apologised. He apologised the next day after each occasion, even after the time he put me in the hospital with suspected broken ribs. They weren’t broken, and I was released with a few pamphlets on domestic violence. I threw them in the bin on the way to the police station to give a false statement to the kindest man I’d met. He told me there was no need to lie, there was no need to do anything but tell the truth and be happy again. I told him it was just two lads fighting, and in the morning he was released.
Domestic violence isn’t just physical, we all know that; it’s the deliberate emotional and psychological demolition of a person.
I was one of those people. I was smacked about and strangled and kicked, and had knives to my throat, but I was also told I couldn’t have dinner if I questioned his love for me, that I’d need to “think of what it would do to the relationship” if I learned to drive, or got a job again, the threats that his slightly-dodgy brother would do something to me, my friends or my family if I left.
There was one last comment, the final straw that broke the proverbial camel’s back, one tiny little comment that made me think ‘you are never going to change.’
He was talking to his friends in the living room about his ex-boyfriend, who once had sucked water up the hoover that he’d spilt, probably in a rush to do it before getting a smack for being clumsy. And he said, I can hear it now clear as a bell: “He got a hiding for that, I can tell you.”
It clicked. I wasn’t the only one. I wasn’t the first, and I wasn’t going to be the last. But right then I decided that I wasn’t going to be the one right now.
Now, I’d left multiple times with the help of friends. But a good friend of mine at the time came all the way from Liverpool to collect me and take me back. I packed my small amount of belongings and I left. You might think this is the end of the story, but it’s not.
For months, I used to call and text and really long to go back to what I knew. I was beyond any level of damage that I, or my friends, knew how to handle. I’d go out every night drinking and not want to go home, I’d meet men and want them to hurt me. I felt nothing until I felt pain.
Over ten years later, I sit writing this as a man looking back on a boy he used to know. I feared for that boy’s safety, and more than that, his life.
He didn’t ask to be a victim of domestic violence, but he chose to survive it. He grew up, and he learned his own worth. True, the wind still blows the dirt and dust and uncovers some ancient archaeological history of that period in his life, but in the main he’s healthy and happy. Those who’ve lived through violent relationships are survivors only in the sense that they are no longer in that situation. You can’t, however, survive a memory that is always with you. You live alongside it. It’s your ghost.
Over a year ago… I was in an ex’s bedroom, and we had an argument. He turned nasty, and his voice and face completely changed, I thought: “this is it. This is it all over again.” He didn’t hit me, and instead, he looked concerned. It took me a while to realise I was freezing cold and shaking all over. Now, before this, I’d always thought of myself as stronger than ever. But this was a reminder that I am not healed.
In the years since then I’ve heard ridiculous questions, “why didn’t you just leave? Why didn’t you hit him back? You’re a man too, so it’s not really domestic abuse, is it?”
Well… you try leaving someone who has made you feel like they’re the only person you can depend on. You lift up your hands and make them into a fist against someone you know you’re physically no match for, and you feel like you love. You try having your food taken off you, being beaten for having a smart mouth, and being told you can only do certain things and speak to certain people. Trust me, it really is domestic abuse. It’s no less of a crime, no less of a heart-breaking, world-shattering situation to have been in just because I’m a man too.
All of the black eyes and cuts and bruised bones he gave me during those twelve months are healed, but the psychological and emotional scars are too deep to heal completely. I’m always questioning: am I a survivor yet or not? ?️?
This article was taken from Issue 20 – download our magazine app now and never miss a future issue and was very published on our website in May 2016. It has been updated with new and relative links.
How is your 3-way game? Stats show that most gay men and lots of gay couples have had a threesome at some point, and obviously, with lockdown restrictions hindering the hookup scene, we were interested to discover that you can actually still get the feel of a threeway, even when there’s just the two of you.
The premise is actually pretty simple, in the video, the couple uses Calvin’s realistic dong (although it could be any dildo, (check out the range from THEGAYSHOP) to simulate a spit roast scenario, with the real guy at the front and a dildo attached to a fuck machine at the back.
Okay, okay, a fuck machine is the expensive but more realistic option – as the machine does the thrusting, much like a real person. However, if a machine like that is out of your price range, most dildos come with a suction pad on the base, so you can attach it to a wall or mirror if you want to get very kinky – and your bottom can do all the work – a pretty good work out too!
So, it’s no secret that many gay guys in relationships are also in open relationships or semi-open relationships and many of them use dating apps, such as Grindr to introduce a third/fourth/fifth into their love lives.
Falling in love with the wrong person can be a difficult and painful thing to experience. For members of our community, this can be even hard because unrequited love is always the worst. I know many of you out there will have been through this at least once in your life. I’ve been through it too, on more than one occasion. You could say that I’m a masochist. I put my heart through that much trauma I’m surprised I’ve not given myself a heart attack.
The first one was very traumatic. It lasted for about four years, and ultimately it cost me a lot. I lost close friends. I lost my integrity, and it also took a real toll on my mental health. I’ve always been honest with you; this time, I’m going to be brutal. For some, this will be a difficult read, but I think for some of you, you’ll be able to relate and if this helps one person to understand that this is a normal part of life, then I’ve achieved what I wanted to when I started writing this.
It seems to be a rite of passage for gay men to fall in love with straight men and there is undoubtedly a social stigma that comes with it, that should it ever become public knowledge, is difficult to shake. People don’t seem to grasp that you cannot help who you genuinely fall in love with, it’s not a choice you make, it’s a feeling you struggle with for months, sometimes even years and it sends you into a spiral that you have no control over. You’re made out to be a predator because it was always you that initiated everything. The other person hasn’t done anything wrong. You are a walking devil.
When you are in the thick of it you think about that person every single day; there is not a day goes by where you feel your life could be so much different. A part of you in your head tells you to grow the fuck up and move on, put him out of your life, and deal with it. But it’s your heart that overrides that situation, hanging on every word they say. Over analysing a simple text message, seeing how many ways you can take it, has he dropped a hint that maybe he feels the same way about you? You drive yourself insane. It did me.
It’s been a long, and difficult road to get over that guy. It’s not been easy. It’s difficult to watch people around you fawn all over them and boost their ego, while you are wanting to scream across the room, screaming inside because you what they’re doing is breaking your heart. Your heart races a thousand beats per minute. They just don’t see it, or do they? Are they thriving off the attention they’re receiving? Are they playing a sick game with you; that twists and turns your insides, and manipulates your head without you comprehending?
The hardest part is covering. You do your best to hide in public when you’re around your friend, you laugh off the jokes that deep-down inside is tearing you apart. You watch them play their games, and you just want to scream stop. The worst thing about it is that people can’t see inside your heads. They can see this smooth and sometimes icy exterior. They don’t know your hurting inside. You try to tell your “close” friends about it, but they don’t seem to understand, they just see the blatant front they’re putting on. They don’t honestly believe that someone is capable of doing these things you’re telling them. You start to see these people in a different light. People become blindsided. They only believe what they want you to see.
You try to block it out with new relationships, but in the end, you end up committing self-sabotage, because you know that deep down inside that this person is nothing compared to the guy you want but can’t have. You mess around and hurt perfectly lovely guys because they’re not him. You can’t shake what you feel for him, something else comes and smacks you round the face that proves you are still in fact madly in love with them; or at least you think you are.
In the end, you don’t blame them for feeling that way. They don’t want you to change their opinions about them. You’re made to feel like an outsider. People who you thought were close, best friends even, you look at them differently. You don’t know how to deal with it. You want to run. Run far away as possible. When you’re in the grasp of an obsession, sometimes it’s the only possible escape. The strength comes from staying and fronting it out. When you’ve mastered this, then you can begin to say to yourself that you’ve got this. It’s at this point you can start to reclaim control.
Looking back now, this was a period of my life when I desperate to be loved, and this went on for four years until I got truly over him. I’ve not had any interaction with him for about five years now. It’s times like these when I re-evaluate the past and my life. I start to think about how I’ve changed. If I saw this guy again, five years on, and being the more developed and mature person, I am now, what would I say to him? I guess I would say; ‘Cheers; I learned from that experience, and It’s made me a more resilient person’. I have come through this experience, and I’ve closed the door on this part of my life, and going forward in my life, it’s going to make me a more well-rounded person, and it’s going to impact my relationship with men.
FILE PHOTO: When the lines between friendship and romance become blurred, hearts and minds can be hurt. Photo by Helena Lopes on Pexels.com
Straight men are an enigma for gay men. We want what we can’t have, and we go through periods of having feelings for people we shouldn’t. These feelings aren’t just a one-time thing. They can come out of the left-field sometimes. About a year ago, I reconnected with an old friend that I’d not spoken to for a very long time, and certain feelings have started to resurface. There’s a certain sexual tension between this new guy and me, and we’ve made out on a couple of occasions when we’ve been drunk. It’s unrealistic for it to be anything more than this, and I know this. The rational part of my brain understands and accepts this, it’s the other side that sometimes has a louder voice. We have to learn not to listen to that side as much and focus on living in a present state of rationality. I think the more I’ve grown as a person, the stronger I’ve become, and I see things in a completely different light.
I look back on this saga with mixed emotions. Hindsight is twenty-twenty. I look back with a sensible, level head that I’ve got now thinking “Wow, Al; you were an absolute IDIOT”. Why did I waste the best part of a year on a guy that was not even worth my time; get some self-worth and some self-respect? Why did I do it? I guess I could say I was young. Frontal lobes aren’t developed. I had zero self-esteem. Maybe a part of me didn’t see that I was worth more? Perhaps I was yearning from the attention and acceptance that I couldn’t see everything with clarity. I also look back and think; this guy really did a number on my head – but; in the long run, it probably did me a huge favour. It’s made me stronger.
I now know what I am worth and what I want in a relationship and a romantic partner. I don’t want somebody who is going to give me the run-around, fuck with my head and always hurt me; and nobody should settle for this. We are worth more. So if you are in a similar situation to the one I’ve been in, then give yourself the time to heal and remember your worth, because you are ten times the person that he will ever be and remember; you will get over it, and you will be a much more resilient person for it.
