If that hot guy you hooked up with isn’t getting back to you, chances are you’ve been ghosted.
First of all, what does being ghosted mean?
The process of being ghosted means that a person that you’ve gotten to know well, perhaps over the course of a few weeks or months, suddenly and inexplicably disappears.
They cease all communications with you.
They don’t even seem to have checked their messages.
You can be ghosted in a real-life relationship and in an online relationship. basically they’ve turned into a ghost.
Now sometimes there could be a very good reason why they’ve become ghosts and some may even have a legitimate reason for the disappearing act – perhaps, maybe they actually did die! There’s no way of knowing whether they did, particularly if your relationship was solely online via a private app like Grindr.
And perhaps they already had a partner who found out about the affairs and has ground their partner’s phone into a fine dust – unfortunately, you’ll probably never know.
So how often does ghosting happen on dating apps?
We ran a quick poll on our social media and it turns out is very very common. Around 83% who answered the poll said that being ghosted “happened a lot” and that it happened to them in the past.
So to answer the question, yes, ghosting does happen a lot of dating ups.
We used to say it with flowers — but now the true sign of modern love is a change in Facebook status from ‘single’ to ‘in a relationship’, according to research.
CREDIT: Oneinchpunch-bigstock
A survey asking 2,000 adults about the modern signs of true love found a massive 64 per cent said updating on social media makes a new relationship ‘official’. Having your partner’s photo as your desktop background, using their name for your online passwords and saving their favourite shows to your Netflix account were also named as modern signs of true love.
Amazingly, over a third of adults confessed they would say ‘I love you’ for the first time in a text, instant message or video chat.
The research also found being in constant contact is indicative of a modern relationship – with the average couple texting or instant messaging each other seven times throughout the day. Texting habits were often mentioned amid the list of true love, with 13 per cent who said they’d rather send a soppy text than buy a spontaneous gift for their partner. Sending a text in the morning and night is the done thing if living separately, said a quarter of adults – as well as sending one more when arriving somewhere safely.
Signing greeting cards from both of you, coming home from a night out to be with them and feeling strange having the bed to yourself were all named as modern signs of a serious relationship.
Interestingly, the results showed independence to be important in modern love, with many who said being able to have your own bank accounts and your own friends are signs of true love.
The study found many people look to Facebook to confirm a relationship – as a huge 63 per cent of adults said they’ve only found out about a friend’s new partner because of their profile updates. s well as a change in online relationship status, things are serious with a partner if they’re Facebook friends with your family members, said 19 per cent of adults.
And one in ten said a committed partner would ‘tag’ them on social media to let their friends know they’re on a date.
THE MODERN SIGNS OF TRUE LOVE
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1. Signing greeting cards from both of you
2. Come home to them early when on a night out
3. Not wearing make-up or doing your hair
4. Feeling strange when you have the bed to yourself
5. Updating to ‘In a relationship’ on Facebook
6. Knowing what to order them when getting a takeaway
7. Being in constant contact, through texts, instant messages or calls
8. Texting when arriving somewhere so they know you’re safe
9. Texting goodnight/morning texts if you aren’t staying together
10. Having their photo as your desktop background/phone wallpaper
11. Buying their favourite food when grocery shopping
12. Answering the door to them in pyjamas/trackie bottoms
13. Having your own bank accounts/cash as well as a shared account
14. Your family members ‘adding’ your other half on social media
15. No longer being envious of your friends’ single lives
16. Finding yourself getting them spontaneous gifts based on private jokes
17. Each having your own friends, not just ‘couple friends’
18. Finishing off each other’s sentences
19. Enjoying doing their laundry when they’ve been staying with you
20. Having their favourite shows saved to your Netflix account
21. Tagging them on Facebook when you’re out together/on a date
22. Using his name or birthday for online passwords
23. Wearing one of his t-shirts to bed
24. Leaving a long line of kisses at the ends of texts or messages
25. Going on a diet/cutting out alcohol when they do
THEGAYUK.com conducted a flash poll on social media, asking 200 people from the LGBT+ community whether they felt they could hold the hand of their same-sex partner, where opposite-sex partners could and would hold theirs – and the results are staggering.
Over 80 per cent (85%) of those who answered the poll said that they didn’t feel they could hold their same-sex partner’s hand in public in the UK. Only 15 per cent of those who answered said they would feel comfortable.
Speaking about the findings, editor of THEGAYUK.com, Jake Hook said, “What this poll shows is very troubling. Despite LGBT+ people having almost equal legal rights in the UK, our community still don’t feel that we’re societally equal.
“Gay and bisexual men and women should be able to walk down any street in the UK, where their straight counterparts hold hands and feel that they can do the same without ridicule, attack or comment”.
Percieved safety is getting worse
CREDIT: Depositphotos.com
Seemingly the LGBT+ community is getting more wary of showing public displays of affection on the streets of the UK. In 2018 only 41% said they wouldn’t feel they could hold hands with their partner and in 2016 that figure was 23%.
THEGAYUK.com asked a similar question in October 2018 we asked whether LGBT+ people were comfortable holding hands, 41 per cent said no – 22 per cent were unsure and 37 per cent said they were comfortable holding hands.
In December 2016 – where we asked 166 people if they felt they could hold their partner’s hand in a supermarket. Only 30 percent of people said that felt they wouldn’t be able to, where as 23 per cent admited that they already did hold their partner’s hand in public.
For those of you who read my last article, you’ll remember that I said the main thing to remember whilst dating, is, to tell the truth, and be totally honest. Well, this piece boasts the complete opposite!
5 things you definitely need to do if you’re planning on a One Night Stand
When it comes to the traditional one night stand, or having sex with strangers, none of the honesty or rules of chivalry applies! In fact, you probably stand a better chance of pulling, if you employ full use of your carefree attitude. So guys, when you’re getting ready to go out tonight, make sure the last thing you put on, is your shagger swagger!
The beauty of having sex with a stranger is that it can be completely anonymous, and string free. The best part of a relationship, with the added bonus, that it only lasts one night! For those of you that have never slept with a stranger, are you starting to see the appeal yet?
My advice is to completely invent yourself a pseudonym, build up a whole alter ego, do whatever you like, be whoever you like and do it with whoever you want to do it with! You have to make sure though, that when you’re building up your night-time image, that you have to remember your story! Stick to the lies, you’ll thank me in the morning – never let your secret slip!
Experiment, it’s always fun to try new things! If one nighters aren’t your thing, then honey, pick up your Bible and tighten up your chastity belt, this clearly isn’t the year for you! If you’re thinking of trying it out, then do it – don’t think too much, you might change your mind! If you’re a more seasoned bed hopper though, why not embrace your adventurous side – my motto – if it’s comfortable and slow – you just aren’t doing it right!
In my experience, it’s for the best that you Never Swap Numbers, once you do, you run the risk of (a) if you rocked his world, gaining a stalker (b) having to admit you lied and (c) making awkward conversation because you’re too nice to tell him to leave you alone! If you don’t feel comfortable saying no to giving him your number, and can’t make one up off the top of your head – take his, tell him your phone is dead and discard on the way home!
When sleeping with strangers, it’s a good idea to make sure you watch your level of Intoxication, you don’t want to be so drunk you end up waking up face down in a ditch, with your trousers around your ankles, and all of your possessions gone with the stars! I am going to say though you don’t want to be sober either; you just won’t enjoy yourself if you are! Get yourself to that merry state, and voilà, you’re in for a night filled with filth.
And, as ever, we at THEGAYUK always promote Safer Sex, you can never be too careful! We know that in the heat of the moment, taking the time to roll down your condom is possibly the last thing on your list, but you have to be responsible!
I hope you enjoy your night, have fun, go wild but most importantly, think P.E.N.I.S. – Pseudonym, Experiment, Never Swap Numbers, Intoxication and Safer Sex.
As I always say, don’t be a fool – wrap that tool! If you need any advice, or for more information on sexual health visit: http://www.gmfa.org.uk/sex/ better to be safe, than sorry!
If you’ve ever wanted to try something different in the bedroom, maybe it’s time to try tantric. Greg Mitchell explains
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It seems to me that these days we do everything in a rush, and that includes sex. It’s on tap. Just open up that little app on your phone, and you can be f**king in minutes. Quick and easy. You can even organise a quickie for your lunch hour, and be back in your office with nobody any the wiser about what kind of sausage sandwich you had for your lunch.
Well tantra is something different. Even if you are in a relationship, when was the last time you and your partner actually took time to make love, made an evening of it, an evening of exploring each other’s bodies? So, for Valentine ’s Day, why not try something different? Instead of going for a romantic, and usually rather expensive, dinner out somewhere, followed by a tipsy quickie when you get home before going to sleep, why not have a quick light meal, and spend the rest of the evening exploring and enjoying each other’s bodies?
Here are a few tips on tantric massage to help get you started.
You can make an evening of it, take turns to massage each other. You can make it a prelude to sex or you can spend an entire evening massaging each other. Either way, you will achieve greater intimacy than you normally do. Admittedly it requires a little preparation, but I guarantee you it will be worth it.
Prepping.
Now most of us don’t have a massage table, but I would suggest taking things off the bed, and even out of the bedroom if you can. Why not spread some cushions on the floor and cover them with a duvet, a large sheet and some towels. As you’re going to be doing some massage, then the floor will also offer a firmer surface. If you have a futon, then that would be even better.
Candlelight is an absolute must, scented candles are even better, as are incense sticks (I particularly like Nitraj Original natural Masala incense available from Buddha on a Bicycle in Covent Garden). Music is also very important. There are plenty of massage, new age and tantra albums out there, but I’ve put together my own playlist, which is a mixture of all sorts; selections from chill out albums like Buddha Bar and Café del Mar, classical pieces, and bits and pieces I’ve downloaded from various tantra albums. I put it on shuffle, so I never know quite what is coming next, but the music often dictates the speed of my massage strokes, and even the pressure. My playlist is on spotify and if you are a member, you too can subscribe to my list.
Start off with loose clothing.
So we have now set up the room, we have created a warm, welcoming atmosphere, and it’s time to create the intimacy and the bond that will carry us through the next few hours. It’s best if you start in loose, easy to remove clothing. Stand facing your partner, take each other’s hands and close your eyes. Let the music wash over you and slow your breathing down, taking deep breaths deep down into your diaphragm. Then, eyes still closed start to explore each other’s bodies through your clothes. You will be amazed how sensuous this can feel. Don’t be afraid to touch each other’s intimate parts, but don’t concentrate on them either. Really feel all over each other’s bodies, and finish this section by holding each other closely for a few minutes, enjoying the intimacy and feeling of just being held. Then you can start to undress each other. Again, take your time. This can be unbelievably erotic. Caress each other’s bodies as you take off each item of clothing. Make love to each other’s bodies. Once naked, hold each other again, before lying down and starting on the massage proper.
One thing tantric massage emphatically is not is a rub down followed by a hand job. In fact Joseph Kramer, tantric massage guru, once stated, “The difference between Tao Erotic Massage and a hand job is the difference between banging on a piano and playing Mozart.” Now you are ready to start playing Mozart.
Choice of massage oils is personal.
Good ones are almond oil and coconut oil, but you could equally use baby oil. It can bea good idea to warm it on a radiator before using it, and then pour it into your hands first before rubbing it into your partner’s body. I usually start with my client face down and start on the back, sweeping my hands down to the buttocks. Play with your partner’s body. Remember what feels good for you will no doubt feel good for him too. Try it now. Gently caress one of your arms with your free hand. Doesn’t it feel good? You have magic in your hands. Use it.
Don’t be in too much of a hurry to get to the naughty bits.
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Take your time to get to know each other’s bodies. This is where you get to find those erogenous zones you didn’t know you had before. Also remember that, once you do get to massage the more intimate areas, whether it be the prostate or the genitals, your aim is to make your partner feel good and prolong orgasm, not just to bring him off. Use lots of lube if massaging the prostate, and plenty of oil on the genitals. Don’t just jerk him off. Play with his cock, caress it, massage it. You’ll be surprised at his reactions. Ejaculation may or may not happen. It is not the be all and end all of a massage. In fact, it is possible to achieve a full body orgasm without actually ejaculating.
This is just a tiny snapshot of how you can incorporate something more sensual into your lovemaking, but if any of this has excited your curiosity, then take a look at
Writer Scott Sammons takes us through the basic don’ts (and he’s got four years of experience apparently) if you’re trying to be sexy on a first date… Buckle up.
CREDIT: mast3r-bigstock
For those of you that follow me on social media (@i_scotty in case you’re interested), you know that I am very much a single pringle currently (partly through my own choice) and have been on a number of dates over the last four years now (four years – wow, how time flies!). This means I’ve picked up a few things about how to not look sexy while on a date, plus a few other hints and tips. Namely, because I seem to have mastered the art of not looking sexy recently.
So fellow singletons (and people that just fancy a laugh) indulge me a little while I take you on some tales of woe on how not to look sexy on a date (followed by another blog post with tips on how to look sexy on a date).
There are some cardinal rules on what to do and not do on a date. For example, spending more than five minutes talking about your ex(s) (or talking about them at all) is as far from sexy as you can humanly get. However, it is an easy trap to fall in to. So our first entry for how to not look sexy on a date is to talk about taboo subjects like your ex/politics/the offside rule (but like I know what that is)/your rather itchy and sore piles.
This wasn’t me I hasten to add, but instead a lovely (albeit eager and inexperienced) young man I once dated. I say ‘dated’, it was one date and this was just one of a number of errors on his part.
Some of them not his fault I might add, with experience we just learn these things.
The evening started well enough, a civilised drink in a small pub near where we both live. The conversation went through the usual small talk before, as you do when conversation flows, you start to get on to the more interesting subjects. However, this young man made a bit of jump from one subject (I can’t remember what so we shall say it was food) to the subject of how his ex used to fret and control what he ate on a daily basis. Now I have nothing but sympathy for the guy as it sounded like a taxing relationship but at the same time, he spent a good hour on the subject despite my best efforts to move the conversation on. I’m not saying it’s never to be discussed, but that’s a conversation for a later date, not date number one. So while you should bring up exes on dates at some point, date one is far from sexy! For all sorts of reasons, the ex-factor is never sexy…
Run to your date because you’re late (and don’t pack an umbrella)
The last time I went speed dating I took a friend with me as he needed cheering up and, as I’ve told him many times, he needed to get out of his own head and just meet people other than those on Grindr. If you’ve not been speeding dating, I highly recommend. A great experience, and even if you find no one you get to meet people and realise you’re not the only one out there thinking that all men must die… sorry, I meant all men are perfectible datable. Silly me!
This particular event was occurring in London in the evening in a bar somewhere outside Kings Cross. I had been working all day, it was raining and I had to use the sauna known as the Central line in order to get across town. As you can imagine, therefore, I turned up to the said event looking a little bit like a drowned harassed rat that, I suspect, also smelt a little bit as it had been a very long day and I had to run because I was late.
I appreciate that some men enjoy the ‘manly musk’, and indeed so do I from time to time, but at a speed dating event, it is not the best place to release the locker room level smell. I was, for want of a better word, a real catch…
To my surprise, I didn’t really get any matches or follow-ups. Not because of my stunning good looks or personality (pfft) but because I looked like someone that had been drowned, whipped, sat on by 100 rugby players after a match and probably smelt like the arse end of a gym bag. Or rather, that’s what I chose to believe otherwise I really am ugly and have an awful personality (don’t laugh, I can hear you from here!).
Talk about politics and tell me the wonders of why you are right and I’m wrong.
This point is a little political, but it isn’t meant to be per se. Politics is just not sexy to most people so it’s always a risky area to venture in to. If you know me you know that I am a firm advocate of debate, however, there is a limit to this and a long lecture on what you are right and I am wrong is not something that I would consider sexy (or decent behaviour) by any man’s standards.
This particular date started off well enough (as they all do). I knew that he did have certain ‘leanings’ but I personally don’t think that in of itself is a turn-off. But as the evening went on the conversation kept coming back to his points of view time and time again. One particular view, that of our Transexual brothers and sisters, was particularly interesting. We started talking about the issues they face and the lack of support from the community and he went into a bit of a party political broadcast on why it was all nonsense. As you can imagine by this point, my goal was no longer to find a soul mate but now more to shut down the close-minded gentleman and finish my drink. (I did write another name for him there but I decided to remove it because I’m not a child – but I am thinking it!!). Everyone has different views on all things, and I certainly don’t believe partners should agree on all things (as that’s just boring – personally I find a good debating partner a massive turn on). But when you start ramming your views down your date’s neck shortly after meeting then there is, to be blunt, something seriously unsexy about you.
Some people may like that, but most of the people I speak to don’t. I’m not entirely sure where I found this one, must have been Grindr as I passed the local conservative club (now that was political…!!).
Eat that really messy food and share it with half your face.
I like sticky messy food as much as the next man, this may also explain why I’ll never be a clothing model. But on the first few dates maybe having the large rack of ribs, or the spaghetti bolognese, lobster or other hands-on messy foods isn’t a good idea. Get to know the other person first, then maybe on date 3 or 4 you can both be messy and have a laugh about it.
This ‘sin’ was very much done by me as I really fancied spaghetti, forgetting completely that my method of eating spaghetti resembled that of a cat trying to eat spaghetti. I tried and I tried to be civilised about it, using the spoon and the fork to wrap or cut up the spaghetti but the harder I tried to not come across a grown adult that can’t handle is spaghetti the more I just dug a hole for myself.
Luckily the guy I was on a date with was fairly humorous about it and I became the butt of a joke or two (adds to the charm of the evening I find) but ultimately I didn’t get a second date and food mishaps can backfire quite spectacularly. Messy food equals a messy date – avoid avoid avoid!
Call me old fashioned, but on a date I want to feel a little bit wooed, charmed and something that resembles a smile on your face as you leave. I don’t want to be left waiting, go hungry because you ate before coming (even though we are meeting for dinner) and spend 20 minutes waiting for you on my own at the table because you’ve gone off to the bar to get drinks and spend 15 minutes flirting with the barman.
Yes, boys and girls, I can safely say that this particular date made even the great Cilla Black turn in her grave as a golden example of how to not look even remotely sexy in the eyes of your date.
We did eventually eat and there was eventually a sense of ‘charm’ in the air but by this point, it was a case of too little, too late. There are a few things in there that wouldn’t make you even remotely sexy in someone’s eyes – being rude, being late and being about as charming as a dinner with Katie Hopkins.
Respect, in my book at least, is one of the sexiest qualities in a man. Debate me, respect me and charm me and I’m yours (and people say I’m picky…).
I’m not going to go into other physical things to do or not to do with regards to looking sexy on a date because everyone finds what is sexy so wildly different. I, personally, think to turn up for a date looking like a fashion disaster hit Popeye the sailor man to be ‘unsexy’. But to others, you could be sex on legs in your badly fitted, camp as tits, slightly over-worn Popeye outfit. Each to their own and who I am to rob someone of that.
But what I will say is that we all have our dates where we come across as miles away from sexy. And that’s fine, we live and we learn, and ultimately we have a laugh. I now have hundreds of stories to share with my Pussy over a glass of wine (or to bore you all with) as a dull date where nothing happens is about as fun as an episode of Antiques Roadshow.
So with that I say keep an eye out for the next article on how to look sexy on a date, some tips from a thirty-something serial dater that has tried and tested many a method to share with you (and yet is still single… not really sure how I ended up with this as an article idea).
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Sex, passing gas – even going on holiday are more likely to happen before a partner decides to share their Netflix account!
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New research shows it takes months and months before you reach the “the comfort zone” with a new partner.
A new study of 2,000 coupled up people found that the biggest signs you’ve entered the comfort zone are allowing your significant other to take care of you when you’re sick, not wearing make-up and not shaving your legs or face.
According to the research, it takes an average of seven months for couples to have their first talk about marriage/kids and about six months to introduce a significant other to their parents.
Milestones such as crying in front of your partner, as well as feeling comfortable enough to snore while sleeping next to your partner, also proved to be big tells that your relationship has reached that next level.
The study, conducted by OnePoll on behalf of Mattress Firm, also revealed it takes nearly five months before they’re comfortable showering at the other’s place, nearly six months to get to the point where sitting in silence isn’t awkward and nearly seven months to feel comfortable using the bathroom with the door open.
Sex, passing gas, sharing a bed all come before Netflix!
Sharing shows like House Of Cards will have to wait until at least 7 months according to research! (C) NETFLIX
Surprisingly, the research also found that it takes eight months to share a Netflix account, which is, amusingly, three months longer than it takes the average couple to shower at their significant other’s house.
The results revealed that four in five people say they prefer to sleep in bed with their partner and it takes nearly five months before couples are comfortable doing so.
According to the results, conversation in the bedroom may be a lost art though as only 39 percent of couples say they engage in pillow talk after sex.
And despite annoying habits like snoring and fidgeting, more than half of the couples surveyed report their sleep quality actually improves when sleeping with their partner.
“If you snore, gravity is not your friend, but a slight elevation to your neck and head alleviates some of gravity’s pull and allows for a more open airway,” said Dr. Sujay Kansagra, pediatric neurologist and Mattress Firm sleep health consultant.
Still, most people are happier once the relationship hits the comfort zone as 65 percent of couples sleep in the same bed every night and 70 percent of respondents say they don’t miss sleeping alone.
“While it’s no surprise that more couples sleep better when in bed with their partner, a restful night’s sleep can be a challenge – especially if your partner snores like a freight train, like mine. With an adjustable base, I’m able to elevate his head and quiet his snoring, which has improved sleep quality for us both,” said Michelle Stokely, National Retail Merchandising Manager, Mattress Firm.
Top 10 things couples are most comfortable doing in front of each other
Letting their partner see them/take care of them when they’re ill (73 percent/1,468)
Not wearing make-up (63 percent/1,266)
Crying (63 percent/1,252)
Snoring in their sleep (60 percent/1,208)
Showering at their place (59 percent/1,186)
Leaving the door open while using the bathroom (56 percent/1,117)
Not shaving (55 percent/1,103)
Being naked around the house (55 percent/1,092)
Sleeping in a hair wrap or bonnet (40 percent/804)
Wearing a retainer to bed (34 percent/680)
How long into a relationship it takes on average to first experience things (shortest to longest)
Sex (4 months and 17 days)
Sleep in same bed (4 months and 21 days)
Shower at the other’s place (4 months and 29 days)
Cry in front of partner (5 months and 24 days)
Sit in silence without it being awkward (5 months and 27 days)
Talk about your/her period (6 months and 13 days)
Be naked around the house (6 months and 18 days)
Share a deep secret (6 months and 19 days)
Let your partner take care/see you when you’re sick (6 months and 21 days)
Use the bathroom with the door open (6 months and 24 days)
Pass gas in front of partner (6 months and 25 days)
Talk about marriage/kids (7 months and 1 day)
Go on vacation together (7 months and 7 days)
Share a password (7 months and 17 days)
Share a Netflix/Hulu account (7 months and 24 days)
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In a study conducted by Bloom & Wild chocolate, flowers and even booking a holiday were all found to be “better than sex” why? Because they all cause Oxytocin, the “love hormone” to be released into your system.
The study was conducted by scientists at London Metropolitan University by measuring how the brain reacts to receiving certain gifts. The results found were really interesting.
Oxytocin is naturally produced by the body and is found when people are in happy loving relationships and also from when they have sex. The hormone is very powerful and even has an anti-stress effect.
Couples who are in the first 6 to 12 months of their relationship are said to have the highest doses of the hormone in their system, but it can be replicated by a few other activities.
Researchers reported that subjects showed an average increase of 73pg/ml in the hormone oxytocin (in saliva) after receiving chocolate and 62pg/ml after receiving flowers, proving there are other ways to feel loved, according to Bloom and Wild.
So what are the other five activities that produce a sexy level of Oxytocin?
The study shows that even receiving chocolate creates a high increase in oxytocin the same rise in oxytocin comes from sex meaning that if your partner or even you buy a chocolatey treat it can give you the same feeling as a roll in the hay! (73pg/ml increase)
Flowers
Buying your partner or yourself flowers can also spark the same feeling as love, sex and relationships (our study revealed an increase of 62pg/ml in Oxytocin) and the best bit these are more likely to last longer.
Food
A study by Havas Worldwide revealed 57% of millennials think that food is better than sex the study backs this up by showing chocolate increases oxytocin. This means going for food with your friend won’t ruin your relationship.
Shopping
Retail therapy is even more apparent, the idea of shopping as entertainment or a hobby is a relatively new one — and a lot of the way in which we think about buying products as a pleasurable experience is rooted in the history of retail. This is rooted in the industrial revolution where shopping became more of an event and entertainment. The neurologist David Linden, in his 2011 book The Compass Of Pleasure, explains that the experience of shopping triggers dopamine circuitry in the brain’s mesolimbic pathway, which is a key part of how we experience entertainment and happiness.
Booking a Holiday
According to research, 16% of Brits think that booking a holiday is better than sex, meaning everyone who has booked a holiday in the January sales will get that same euphoric feeling as sex itself!
A feeling of wellbeing increases oxytocin after receipt of any gift.
Dr Una Fairbrother, Head of Biosciences at London Metropolitan University said, “Participants in the study were selected randomly and only their age, gender, and date of birth was recorded, in order to maintain anonymity in compliance with data protection and the Human Tissue Authority.
“Interestingly, the results show that there was a significant increase in oxytocin after receipt of any gift. Furthermore, within this small cohort, the effect of the more desirable gifts, such as chocolate and flowers, was more pronounced, with chocolate being marginally on top.
“Chocolate induces feelings of wellbeing, including an oxytocin response when eaten, thus anticipation is likely to provoke a similar response.”
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I cheated on my wonderful boyfriend with a guy I met on Grindr and now I deeply regret it. I don’t even like the guy I cheated him on with.
(C) BIGSTOCK
The sex was great, but I now feel guilty.
I’m not sure why I cheated on him, but I feel that our relationship has gone a bit stale. We’ve been together for just over 5 years and everything has become very samey. Although we get on really, really well and don’t really argue.
I started looking on Grindr a few months ago, mainly out of boredom and I started chatting to him – we met up for a coffee and then again for a drink one evening at our local. Then one thing led to another.
We’ve only done it once, and the weird thing, despite the guy being really good looking, I don’t really like him. We don’t agree on things politically or socially.
I’m not sure what to do next.
Dr Dannii Cohen answers:
(C) BIGSTOCK
Dear reader,
You might not like to hear what I am about to tell you, but it is the truth:
You are the only one who can fix this situation, and it is not going to be easy.
Step 1. Break up with your Grindr date.
It is clear that you have no interest in him, and are only hanging on to him because you are afraid of dumping him. Why is this? Is he your back up because you are afraid to be alone if your boyfriend breaks up with you? It is clear from what you wrote that you don’t like him – you say so yourself. Let him go, but kindly, as this situation is not fair on him.
Just remember, be kind: he did not ask to be part of your problem.
Step 2: Win back your boyfriend.
You said things have been a little stale: have you ever asked your boyfriend if he feels the same? Chances are he feels comfortable. But it could also be that he feels the same.
Either way, you could try and bring a new dimension to your relationship: plan a few date nights, look for new ways to spice up your sex life (make sure that the both of you enjoy what you get up to as no-one should sacrifice themselves for the others enjoyment), maybe try role-play or something. Do new fun stuff together, cooking classes, theatre or anything you’d both like to try out.
Step 3 Your conscience.
This step should, to all intents and purposes come before step 2, because it’s the biggest step of all: will you tell your boyfriend about what happened? This is entirely on you, but the decision you make has to be made now, and once you make it you have to stick to it and deal with any consequences.
If you don’t tell him and are certain he has no idea about what happened chances are that, if you put in the effort you can save the relationship. But bear in mind that you can’t go back on this if you feel guilt overwhelm you months/years later.
Confessing it asap in a kind, gentle way at the right time, making sure they know how terrible you feel about it could see you forgiven in the long run. Don’t count on things to be rosy immediately, though and don’t rush your partner in his feelings. Let him be the one to say if they’re ready to start again or if he needs a break.
I hope things turn out well for you and your partner.
With love,
Dannii Cohen
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When a new boyfriend buys an extravagant gift, which makes you feel uncomfortable what should you do?
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Dear Dilemmas,
I got together with my boyfriend a few weeks before Christmas, so we haven’t been together long. However, he bought me a laptop as a present, because my old one died – and I really need one for uni. However, I didn’t really think we were doing gifts, so I only bought him a bottle of wine. I’m not sure if he can afford the computer, but I feel like it’s wrong to accept something so big of him.
What should I do?
Toby
Go halves
Dear Toby
It sounds like your boyfriend’s heart is in the right place, but buying you a laptop is probably way too much at this stage in your relationship and maybe this is a really grand gesture on his behalf to show how much he cares. But you say you have a feeling that it’s wrong. Ask yourself why does it feel wrong?
If he knew that you were both “not really doing gifts” and he still bought you an extravagant gift I would worry that this guy doesn’t know boundaries or is trying to buy your affection. It might make me question whether he’s trying to own you – knowing that you can’t afford this item, which is tied to your success at uni. It could put him in a position of power over you.
There’s a couple of options. Firstly, you need to communicate about how you feel – communication is key to any successful relationship and especially in a new one. You can politely refuse the gift and say it’s just too much at this stage in your relationship or you can make an arrangement to pay him a manageable monthly instalment for half of the computer – that way you get to keep it, but you’ll also half own it.
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