THEGAYUK

Tag: Aunty

Welcome to the Internet’s fiercest agony aunt. Simply known as Aunty, she shoots from the hip (and what amazing hips she has) Send her a message with your problems if you dare.

  • PROBLEM AUNTY | My bf’s dad was feeling me up last Christmas

    The B*tchiest Agony Aunt is back… and ready to help with your Christmasy issues.

    *She doesn’t really care

    Dear Aunty,

    Since writing to you last Christmas for advice, about meeting my boyfriend’s parents for the first time, I find myself in an even more desperate situation and in need of your help again.

    Last December 25th I was sat around my boyfriend’s parents’ table about to start our turkey dinner when, what I thought was my bf’s hand stroking my inner thigh, turned out to be his dad’s hand.

    Last December 25th I was sat around my boyfriend’s parents’ table about to start our turkey dinner when, what I thought was my bf’s hand stroking my inner thigh, turned out to be his dad’s hand. I was startled and didn’t know what to do, so I picked up my phone pretending I had a call and made an excuse to leave straight away. I didn’t say anything to my boyfriend as I didn’t want to upset him. This year we’ve been invited back again… Should I tell my boyfriend about what happened last year, or should I make excuses and avoid going?

    Thanks, Gary – Hull

    Dearest Gary,

    I’m sorry to hear you have a “problem”. Now, I say “problem” like this as I’m actually struggling to find what the “problem” is with having someone show you some unexpected attention. I’ve always found it a compliment. When I was a young glamorous star, at an Old Victorian Theatre, I always found XXXXXX XXXXX would often make me feel XXXXXX XXXXXX whilst sucking on a XXXX and his lemon sherbets.

    Of course, I was glad, as it was a great opportunity to meet the others who’d come over from Hollywood that night. There was  XXXXXXX, XXXX, XXXXXXX, oh and XXXXX. What a night that was. There was XXXXXX everywhere!

    So, what am I trying to say? As a young chap, you should be grabbing all experiences in life. Sit, eat be merry and let the games commence. After all, no-one plays Scrabble anymore. It’s all Happy Families and you never know, your boyfriend may well be a seasoned game player and just trying to bring you into the festivities. Cheers, you lucky thing.

    XXXX = (Edited for legal reasons)

    Aunts

    Aunty is an unlicensed, unqualified, drunken lush, who wants to hear from you, and you shouldn’t take any of her advice… Ever. 

  • PROBLEM AUNTY | My drunken family will ruin my wedding

    The B*tchiest Agony Aunt is back… and ready to help with your wedding problems.

    *She doesn’t really care

    Dear Aunty,

    I’m planning a wedding, but fear that it may end up in a terrible mess. My family is known for having a few too many drinks and then getting rowdy and very touchy-feely, whereas my partner’s family is a little more reserved. They are highly religious folks.

    What should I do?

    Corben, Trent

    Dear Corben,

    Sounds awfully exciting. I’d invite the eternally judgemental & pious Jeremy Kyle and accompanying TV crew and sell the rights to the ITV morning team for the ensuing drama that is bound to unfurl at your nuptials.

    Darling if you need an MC I’m available and contrary to popular belief I’m not particularly expensive. I can even do you a deal if there’s a good bottle of Pinot G with my name on it.

    Can I suggest that you ensure that you put the guests most likely to heckle towards the front? There is nothing better than watching the best man die slowly inside as he loses the crowd. Those self-important

    Can I also suggest you put guests who are most likely to wear Nylon towards the fire exits? I once had an ‘incident’ with a Nylon wearer, when I was flicking fag ash mid convo.

    The good news is she’s still alive and much of her body was saved from 3rd-degree burns thanks to the quick thinking stewards who threw a bucket of sand over her.

    As for religious folks, try not to have butt sex in front of them. It tends to upset their blessed little hearts. Instead, try crucifixes on the front lawn. Showing an understanding of their culture will surely put you in their good books.

    Until next time,

    Aunts

    Aunty is an unlicensed, unqualified, drunken lush, who wants to hear from you, and you shouldn’t take any of her advice… Ever. 

  • PROBLEM AUNTY | Are fruit smoothies healthy for you?

    PROBLEM AUNTY | Are fruit smoothies healthy for you?

    The UK’s bitchiest agony aunt answers your questions. This week she has ever eyes fixed on a smoothie maker.

    CREDIT: Jordan Lohan

    Dear Aunty,
    Is it good to have too much fruit juice or smoothies? Some sites say good and others bad. Very confused and feeling unhealthy.
    Ken, Manchester

     

    Dear Ken,
    I know I’m an advice column but I ain’t Dr  bleedin’ Christian! Though, I have heard there’s a lot of sugar in fruit. Which is why I like to take a healthy dose of veg to the body instead.

    It’s renewed my physical energy levels. Experiment with all the wonderful shapes and sizes of veg out there and you’ll soon be living a much more fulfilled life, though I can’t guarantee it’ll be healthy or wholesome!

    Read more of Aunty’s insights.

  • PROBLEM AUNTY: Help My Boyfriend Wants To Try Bondage

    PROBLEM AUNTY: Help My Boyfriend Wants To Try Bondage

    This week a concerned reader from Kings Lynn finds out about his new bae’s interest in light bondage. Aunty responds the only way she knows how…

    Aunty,

    I met a guy online and he seemed my type, funny, smart and was self sufficient. However after a few dates he started telling me he’s into light bondage and would I be into trying?

    I’ve never done this before and am scared it could hurt.

    What I should do?

    Thanks,

    Kev.

    Kev dear,

    Key here is he said “light bondage”. He didn’t say he wanted to lock you up for a week with a live kipper tied to your balls.

    Likely hood is he’ll want to tie your hands, maybe some gentle spanking, and then give you the ride of your life. I’m actually quite jealous. If it doesn’t work out then let me know and I’ll be happy to take your place! Of course, remember to have a safe word to stop the exploring should you get uncomfortable.

    This doesn’t always work though.

    I once had a guy slinged up who kept crying “lemons”.

    I’d inserted four of the bloody things up him before I remembered, that was our safe word and not a request. But I’m sure you’ll be fine.

    Have fun.

    xx

    If you’d like to get in touch for a real honest bit of advice the contact me at: DrunkenLush@TheGayUK.com

  • PROBLEM AUNTY: My Boyfriend Has Pictures Of Other Men On His Phone

    This week the internet’s most vicious agony aunt helps or hinders a reader who finds that his boyfriend has pictures of other men’s penises on his phone.

     

    Aunty

     

    Dear Aunty,

    I’ve been seeing a guy for about 3 months now and the other night I was looking through his phone and found pictures of another guys c**k. Should I talk to him about this or put it down to men being men? Joe.

     

    Dearest Joe

    There’s nothing less exciting in life than men sending each other pictures of their bits and bobs. Yes it’s a dangly bit of flesh, some big, some small, some decorated with silver jewels, but in the end it’s a picture. Nothing beats the feel, the smell, the taste of the real thing and if the new bf is busying himself with pics of others, which may just be fantasies, or more, then it’s time to kick him to the curb and find yourself a man who’ll give you his full, hard loving attention… hopefully over and over again!

     

    Love Aunty xxx

     

    Read more of Aunty’s help

    Want Aunty to answer your question? Send her an email: drunkenlush@thegayuk.com

  • PROBLEM AUNTY: Should I Ask Him To Marry Me At Christmas?

    A reader asks if you should ever propose at Christmas… Aunty’s not impressed.

    Aunty,

    After how many years should you propose to your man at Christmas?

    Rob, Dundee

    Dear Rob,

    Never. Christmas can be depressing enough without someone telling you they want to spend the rest of their life with you. Till death do us part. Forgoing all others? Bugger off. Buy him a gift he’ll really want, like a Playstation 4.8 or whatever the gamers are playing these days.

    I may be without festive cheer at the moment readers as I sit here watching melted snow fall from the sky. Reminding me of years past when I once was a blushing bride. It’s true. Literally hours of planning in my local boozer had gone into the big day. Then, that Christmas Eve, when the church had been decorated to await our arrival, the bells slightly ringing in the breeze and a moist quiver coming over me, he told me. Told me that he had a secret and he couldn’t keep it from me any longer.

    He started tugging away at a wig piece whilst telling me he’s a distant relative of Noddy Holder. This hairy monster was revealed before me and I screamed. Ran out into the pouring rain, casting aside my headdress and flicking my fag ash over passing carollers. I had to leave readers. Imagine the children. My stunning good looks and his hairy elf like existence. It was an act of mercy for the un-conceived. A Christmas miracle if you will. No woman should ever have to go through labour thinking she’s giving birth to an old sheep poking out arse first. So I urge you. Whilst you’re enjoying a few festive tipples, don’t go offering folk your hand in marriage for a free round of vodka-Babychams. Glazed eyes are never best to say “I do” through.

    In case I don’t see you beforehand in Chariots, have a wonderful Christmas and New Year. xx

  • PROBLEM AUNTY: No One Knows I Have A Boyfriend At The Office

    Aunty has sage advice for a man who’s not out at work.

    Dear Aunty,

    My new job has asked me to bring a friend or partner to the office Christmas party, but no one knows I’m gay and have a bf of 8 years. Should I bring him along for fear of what might happen or leave him behind like I have done on many occasions?

    Thomas, Southend.

    Dearest Thomas,

    The office party is a chance for you to let off some steam from the long year of hard work. Trust me when I say, you don’t want any partner, husband or close friends there. It never goes down well once you’re drunk and taking the new office boy over the photocopier! Likewise, after eight years, I imagine the boyfriend is only too glad to have a night off… with a glass of wine… with the next door neighbour… Log fire burning… I’d get home early if I were you!

    Live long and prostrate 

    Aunty.

  • PROBLEM AUNTY | I Sat On Something And Ended Up In A&E

    The vilest Agony Aunt returns and this time a fan is deeply unhappy with the advice she gave, which resulted in him having to visit accident and emergency.

    Dear Aunty,

    Last month you told a guy to sit on as many objects as possible to get into the porn industry. This has to be the worst advice ever given. I’ve been sat in A&E because of a stupid experiment trying to insert something that shouldn’t go there, and I think telling people they should try this is wrong.

    Pete, Location not supplied.

    Dear Pete,

    I had to respond as it’s not often I receive negative feedback for my words of wisdom. Quite clearly thrusting anything backstage is to be done with an air of reasonable judgment. After all, if you think shoving a cactus up your bum is a bad idea, then it probably is. Though you never specified what you managed to get stuck up there, I’m guessing it was something either, rather large, fragile or hot. So for those readers, like Pete here, who need a little leading

    in life, here’s Aunty’s top list of what NOT to clap your Guppy mouth around.

    1) Lightbulbs – This is not a bright idea.

    2) Your own head – Unless using a snorkel.

    3) Elton John’s piano –

    This won’t get you fingered! Now stop being so idiotic and wasting our valuable NHS resources or mine.

  • PROBLEM AUNTY | Is My Cock Too Small For Porn?

    This month Aunty’s bag contains a letter from a reader who wants to be pornstar, but doesn’t quite have the right tools.

    Dear Aunty,

    I want to be a pornstar but have been told that I don’t have the right sized cock. What do you think?

    Perry, Cardiff

    Dear Perry,

    Thank you for the picture you sent me. It took a while to work out what it was at first but after a good magnifying glass over I realised it was your wilting John Thomas. The good thing about pornography is that no matter what you look like or what fantasies you have, there will bound to be a market somewhere for someone like you to fit in. Remember it’s not always about the size you’ve got it’s where you, well, I guess in your case rub it. As you sent the front view only I would assume you see yourself as more of a top figure, however, I would recommend if you want to get into the business, bend over and start sitting on as many people and objects you can find. That’s how I started. I ended up with such good grip down there I could build myself a flatpack Ikea table in just five minutes! I was an internet hit with AuntyAssembles.com

    Aunts xxx

  • PROBLEM AUNTY | Does My Boyfriend Watch Too Much Porn?

    It seems there’s been a few issues with men and sex and porn recently. Personally, the only issue I have is I can’t get enough! But, it’s not all about me so let’s take a look at some of your problems because it’s all about you!

    Dear Aunty,

    My boyfriend is always watching porn and I think he may have a problem. I’ve seen him five times this month watching stuff on his phone and yet we haven’t had real sex for nearly two months. Should I tell him to go get help or tell him it’s me or the porn?

    Larry, Birmingham

    Larry dear,
    Never tell a man it’s his pornography or you, as you’ll never win. Men and pornography go together like one night stands and crabs. Since the dawn of man they’ve been etching images of their manhoods, usually over-inflated I might add, to arouse the masses and share sordid stories. So once the internet was invented, for the sole purpose of sharing pornography, men old and young have been beating away at quicker speeds. The trick here is to embrace technology. Suggest making your own home movie with him being the star. Failing that strap an iPad to your back playing the latest ‘men-with-veg’ series and watch him jump right in there.

    Aunts xx

  • PROBLEM AUNTY | Losing Weight And Dumping My Boyfriend

    Welcome to another month and another of Aunty’s advice columns. Good luck for all those who write into the world’s harshest Agony Aunt.

     

    Dear Aunty,

    I’m a little on the large side and was wondering if you had any top tips for losing some weight before my beach holiday in a couple of weeks?

    With love James.

     

    Dear James,

    Your letter first excited me when you said you were large and I was going to invite you to holiday with me. That was until I realised you were talking about your waistline! I’ve been fooled by that line before. Top tip: cake is not your friend. Neither is the lard you wrap it in before you deep fry it.

    The 40 bottles of coke a day and the evening bag of wine, also a no-no. If you only have two weeks to shed the weight then slap on a Miranda Hart box set.

    This always puts me off my food!

    Aunty XX

     

    Dear Aunty

    I’ve been with my boyfriend for 6 months now and it’s just not working out for me anymore. How do I tell him I no longer want to be with him? I’ve not slept with anyone else but have been tempted. Help!

    Kevin, Manchester

     

    Dearest Kevin,

    When I want someone to leave I usually stop paying them, however, I believe this may be a little different in your case. There are many ways you can get the message across to your ex-to-be.

    Start with increasing your annoying habits. Break wind in bed, be late for everything, forget his birthday, bite a little harder during sex.

    This gradual increase of uncomfortable living will soon have the bf saying enough’s enough and he’ll walk out by himself. Failing this try to get caught boning his best friend or dad, or hamster.

    Aunty XX