When it comes to love, lust and relationships of all forms, it can seem like you’re lost in a darkroom. We all need the occasional nudge, pull or poke in the right direction.
You might run a multi-billion pound conglomerate, command an army-like workforce, or parade your beautifully ripped, baby smooth torso behind a bar while pulling pints in Soho. But when it comes to matters of the heart or ya lunchbox, logic can dwindle away quicker than Nick Clegg’s popularity.
So, you turn to your fruit flies, closest gay chums and family members – your confidants for guidance.
But no one’s perfect, even your bestie can lean you towards a Roberto Cavalli, over-embellished multicoloured-silk shirt when all you really needed was a Tom Ford, classic-fit high-collar stand-barrel-cuffed.
THEGAYUK asked ten gay men and one lady – who says she’s practically a gay man – what’s the worst relationship advice they have ever received. Here’s what our boys, and girl, had to say:
Jack Rigby, 22, Junior Architect
“A hot guy who rode motorbikes asked me out in Uni. Being the blushing virgin I was, I hadn’t a clue how to play the situation. I asked my best girlfriend at the time for advice. She told me to tone it down and act mysterious. I never saw him again.”
Michael Bates, 46, Property Developer
FOLLOW THE RULES
“My memory of the worst relationship advice relates back to a period in the late nineties. There was a book called The Rules, which my straight friends read to help with their relationships. The book gave a series of guidelines in creating a relationship. For example, if a potential partner rang you for a date, then the rule was that you only rang him back after 3 days to confirm. For me ‘The Rules’ was disastrous. Quite frankly, it was ‘a crock of shit’. It taught me that there are no rules. Just be you – just be yourself.”
Roy Hollywood, 53, Music Teacher
SHARE YOUR FANTASIES
“My worst relationship advice: Share your secret fantasies with your partner. Dreadful advice – they’re secret for a reason – keep them bottled up.”
Marc Davies, 29, Advertising
BREAK IT OFF
“Worst advice I ever had was from one of my best friends, who flat out said: ‘break up with him’. This was only a few months into the relationship. I didn’t, and we worked through it. Honesty, and speaking about your problems can fix a lot. Don’t run. We ended up together for over three years. The actual break-up is another story.“
Gregory Gerot, 37, COO Broad Group International Consulting
SEX IS NOT IMPORTANT
“I was having a few issues with my partner. One night outside a nightclub my friend said ‘Darling, I know you love him but you need to have an open-relationship if you want it to work’. I didn’t take the advice. Five years later and we’re still together and happier then ever.”
Adrian Moore, 52, Funeral Director
“The worst advice I received was a few years ago, from an extremely frustrated individual: sex is not that important”.
Steve Braganca, 38, Project Manager
WRITE A LIST OF PROS AND CONS
“I was going out with a really nice guy, but there were a few issues. I was young (and stupid) and was advised to write a pro’s and con’s list about each other and discuss it over a drink. He stood me up and texted later saying the list showed all my negatives and couldn’t be arsed to see me again. Lesson, never write a pros and cons list.”“‘Also, with a different guy, I was advised to ‘play games’ and ignore his calls and texts to make myself appear less keen. It didn’t work, as he became less interested and accused me of playing games.”
Lee Brobson, 24, Optical Consultant
“I didn’t know how to act around my new boyf. My close friend told me to become a drunken mess and go wild so he’ll know what to expect. It didn’t last long – funny that.”
Girish Divan, 39, London Fire Brigade
OPEN UP YOUR RELATIONSHIP
“My boyfriend’s best friend convinced me to propose when I was drunk last year at his birthday.”
Michael Woodhead, 30, MI Web Developer
DATE LOTS OF PEOPLE
“A friend told me to date lots of men at the same time, because it stops you from focusing on one person. If one goes quiet, you’ve got other options. For me, I found this didn’t work. I kept making comparisons, I stopped putting in any effort and never really got to know any of them.”
Nina Bass, 42, Healthcare PR – practically a gay man
ONLY MARRY THEM IF YOU WANT TO TEAR OFF THEIR CLOTHING EVERYDAY
“As I stood meringue-clad facing my imminent husband-to-be at the altar, the kind, rather nasal vicar proffered his number one golden rule for any couple; ‘never go to sleep on an argument.’ Wise words but not what he should have said. He should have asked; are you madly, passionately in love with this man? Does the ground move when he walks into a room? Do you want to rip off all his clothes and run out the church together? Sadly, an acrimonious and lengthy divorce followed.”
We can all learn from the above. Trust your gut, and never propose after a skinful.
I’ve lived in the Old Smoke since 1999 with a career in fashion, fitness and events. I discovered the joys of writing beginning of 2014. Since then I’ve been tapping digits to keys. Subjects include food, theatre, exhibitions, London life and other topics that tickle my taste-buds. Other publications include Timeout, Gay Times and So So Gay Magazine.