It’s curious, we’re told that it’s very acceptable to be gay in Britain today but there’s an undercurrent of unease that still persists.

So, I’m not one of those gays who gets all huffy when anyone who’s heterosexual asks questions about being gay – after all, how do you expect to learn if you don’t ask – and don’t say “Google it”. You can only learn so much from a web search. Sometimes things need a personal explanation. So, here are some of the things that are kinda funny but tragic that have been asked or said to me in recent years.

You can only learn so much from a web search. Sometimes things need a personal explanation. So, here are some of the things that are kinda funny but tragic that have been asked or said to me in recent years.

 

I’m don’t mind…

To be fair my homosexual revelation came as a shock to this particular woman. She may have been edging for a date… who knows. I’m glad you don’t mind. but I wasn’t looking for your disdain or approval.

I’ve been to a gay wedding

How sweet. But it did doesn’t give you brownie points for attending.

I’ve got a gay best friend…

Ask yourself – did you need to put the ‘gay’ in there. You don’t need to prove your gay-friendly credentials to me – just yourself.

My cousin (insert name here) is gay – do you know him?

Yes. We are all linked by gaydar. It’s how all homos keep in touch. It’s got local and international calls and the rates are cheaper than BT.

Are you married – what’s her name?

His name is Graham.

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You guys are so cute together, which one is the woman?

Thank you for the validations. Neither of us is a woman. If you’re asking which role we take in the bedroom we’re going to need a whole lot more wine.

When did you choose to be gay

I dunno when did you choose to be straight? If you’re asking when did realise I was gay – I was 5-years-old. When was I finally admit to myself that I was gay? 20-years-old. That was 15 long, lonely years feeling awkward, alone and afraid.

How do you know you’re gay if you’ve not been with a girl?

Why are you even asking this? Would a gay person ever ask, ‘how do you know you’re straight if you’ve not been with someone of the same-sex? It’s just something you just know.

Why do you always have to talk about dirty things… You seem like a lovely homosexual but…

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This was honestly was said to me. Now bearing in mind I hadn’t even said a word to this older woman. I was standing by a card rack full of “naughty” greeting cards we sell – and one of them says, “My Penis Approves Of You”. Bless her she obviously doesn’t realise that penises are a straight thing too and straight people talk about them as well.(If you’ve ever witnessed a hen party, you’ll know that it’s a common theme! Bravo.)

You don’t seem gay…

Well, I am. You just wait. Give me a spotlight, some Kylie and promises of a unicorn and I will be so gay for you.