Shock horror younglings, gay men in their 30s do exist, I am one of them. And here is my helpful tongue in cheek guide to traversing the minefield of being classed as over the hill by anyone who’s under 25.
1. It creeps up on you faster than you think.
When I was but a wee gay nipper myself back In the early 2000s I never thought 30 would happen. But time marches on, and suddenly I was 30 before I knew it. There’s only 52 Saturday nights to be had in a year, and those goes shockingly quickly. In just a few short years, you too will be a bitter old queen writing articles about how to cope being in your 30s.
2. Beauty fades, dumb is forever
Here’s a tip for you, you aren’t going stay looking the same for the rest of your life, and let’s face it, getting surgery or fillers will make you end up looking like a permanently shocked shop mannequin, or Madonna. So for the love of god, please teach yourself some skills that don’t involve how to get into a pair of skinny jeans.
3. You WILL lose those luscious locks.
I still feel a slight pang of jealousy towards the young gays who can have any hairstyle and colour they want, I used to do it myself, but these days I’ve only got 12 hairs, and three of them are my husbands. But there is a high chance that by your 30s you too will either be bald, or balding. So make the most of your hair while you have it, but once you start losing it, shave that stuff off and grow a beard, or invest in some really ridiculous wigs.
4. You have to become fabulous
In order to stay relevant on the gay scene, you will have to become hilarious and fabulous. One liners will have to actually be witty, and you need them to distract from your gnarled old face and rapidly vanishing hairline, you will have to become a talking point but luckily, by your 30s you should have met a group of people who put up with your crazy notions of “good music” and who will sit with you and judge everyone else.
5. Nightclubs will become a chore
Not only do hangovers last a lot longer, attempting a death drop could result in breaking a hip, and you’ll also find yourself resenting the fact that you can no longer tell when one song ends and another begins. You also don’t want to have to deal with the drama that young gays manage to get themselves into. While in your youth you could cope with the crying friend, the horny friend and the throwing up friend all in one night, once you’re past 30, most of the time your find the expression “oh for f***s sake, what now?” will become a staple of your vocabulary when dealing with the 18 year olds.
6. It becomes a lot harder to maintain your figure.
That skinny twink body of yours you so love, yep that’ll go the way of your hairline once you get past 25, and it becomes a lot harder to maintain it without taking out a pact with the devil. That whole pizza and cheesy chips you managed to cram down after a night out, will now stay on your hips unless you run a marathon or rig up a home liposuction device using a funnel, a hose and a Dyson.
7. Hookups in their 40s become a viable option.
When you’re 20, the idea of hooking up with a guy in his 40s might seem like a terrible idea unless he’s rich, has a heart condition and you really like loud indoor fireworks. But in your 30s you realise a guy of 40, could only be 5 years older than you and they are the only ones paying you attention on Grindr anymore.
8 And on the subject of hookups…
In one’s youth, you can be ready for a hookup at the snap of a finger and with pretty much anyone. you’d meet a guy in the club, go back to his place and be careful not to wake up his parents. Even an invitation of “can you meet now?” on Grindr is ok, because you know your feet won’t ache if you walk a mile. Past 30, if someone were to ask “meet now?” You’d have to think about whether you can be bothered to travel that far and whether it’s worth having to have another shower for what could potentially be a lacklustre blowjob.
9. Popularity isn’t everything
The wisdom of old age makes you understand popularity doesn’t mean a goddamn thing if the people who hang around with you wouldn’t piss on you if you were on fire, they’d most likely Snapchat it and try to go viral, so they too can become a vapid attention seeking whore. But fear not young gay, by your 30s the people who have stuck around are the ones who will have your back and most likely be able to provide bail money.
10. You can still have a f**king good time
It’s not all doom and gloom, by your 30s you’ll have found yourself, and find the whole idea of the gay scene infinitely amusing and you can appreciate it a lot more. You’ll have met so many different types of people that hardly anything will be a surprise, but you’ll have enough experience not to care. You’ve loved and learned and become a better person for it, so strap on your safety belts, it’s still a hell of a ride.
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