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CAR REVIEW | Auto, Erotic?

While we all like to think we’re not swayed by fancy cars, there’s no doubt the right motor can aid access to the pants of others. Whether it’s through first impressions or a well-placed mattress in the back, here’s my top 10.

Aston Martin
With most of this list I’ve had to specify a single model, with Aston Martin pretty much any car they’ve produced will do the job. Helped no doubt by the James Bond effect, they have been consistently voted one of the coolest brands out there while there’s arguably no such thing as an ugly Aston. Even though they are ridiculously expensive new, they somehow manage to not make you look like a cock behind the wheel. This makes it all the more likely you’ll be getting cock if you’re seen driving one.

VW Camper (T1 or T2)
If you’re thinking of a campervan, chances are you’ll think of one of Volkswagen’s old school rear-engined models. Although you can buy a new one, it’s the 50’s, 60’s and 70’s models that have the most appeal with their retro looks and easy going nature. If you’re not sold on the styling, there’s always a freezer for your poppers and a fold out bed for whatever happens afterwards. Just remember, if the van’s rockin’ don’t come knockin’.

Alfa Romeo 4C
After years in the wilderness, Alfa has produced a car that is quite simply sex on 4 wheels. From the gorgeous ‘tele-dial’ wheels to the sensuous lines of the carbon fibre bodywork, it’s comfortably one of the best looking cars currently available at any price point. That it costs a relatively low £50k shouldn’t matter as numbers will be limited, ensuring not everyone with the funds can get hold of one. Only the most acrobatic amongst you will be able to get up to anything inside, thankfully carbon fibre doesn’t dent.

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Citroen DS
When it was introduced back in 1955, the DS was a sensation delivering the kind of styling previously seen in science fiction to the common man. Not only did it look space age but there was plenty of tech under the skin too. Those stunning looks will get the attention of your intended conquest while there’s a big rear bench between the rear doors if you keep their interest. Should things get a little too kinky, there’s a big boot to dispose of the body.

Jeep Wrangler
It was a toss up (if you’ll pardon the pun) between this and a Land Rover Defender when it came to picking a macho retro 4×4. Ultimately the Wrangler’s relative rarity sealed the deal, not that I was at all swayed by being lent one (see elsewhere in the issue for my review). Not only do they look great but you really can drive pretty much anywhere to find a secluded spot. Heavy duty rubber floor mats mean the clean up operation is pretty easy too.

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Jaguar E-Type
Frequently described as the most beautiful car ever made, the E-Type is still a stunning shape today. A meaty straight 6 and later a V12 made sure the car went as well as it looked too. While being classy, it also sports one of the most phallic bonnets every created, its rounded tip stretching far into the distance from the cockpit. The coupe is a bit cramped for getting up to much mischief but there’s always the soft top version for alfresco action.

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Tesla Model S
With a Tesla, you can have your cake and eat it. Not only do you appear to care for the environment thanks to zero emissions when in use, the all-electric Model S is also seriously fast. In other words, you can still have motoring fun without pissing off any environmentally conscious targets and therefore attracting a whole new demographic. Boss of Tesla Elon Musk was apparently an inspiration for Robert Downey Jr’s portrayal of Tony Stark in Iron Man, that coolness does trickle down to both car and driver which can’t hurt either.

Rolls Royce Phantom
For some people, there’s nothing more attractive than extravagant displays of wealth and nothing quite says ‘I’ve got more money than some third world countries’ than the big Roller. True, the Bugatti Veyron and a few other hypercars may be pricier but do they have built in champagne coolers? No. Do they have carpets thick enough to dull the noise of even the loudest lay you piledrive into it? No. Nor will they have room in the back to do, well, pretty much anything. Just make sure the chauffeur’s partition is closed before things get too messy, unless you like that kind of thing of course. If you’re seriously fugly, this is probably your best bet.

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Fiat/Bertone X1/9
The problem with mid-engined supercars is that they do suggest you might be compensating for a shortfall in the trouser department. If you do want a vehicle that’s Italian, has the motor in the middle and is an open 2 seater but doesn’t make people think you’re hung like a hamster, the X1/9 is the car for you. At 3.8 meters long it’s shorter than a Ford Fiesta and powered by a dinky 1.3 or 1.5 litre lump. The shrunken supercar look makes for a cute classic that definitely turns heads.

Koenigsegg Regera
If you must have a supercar to attract attention, you might as well make it one of the rarest and most bonkers. Koenigsegg will only build 80 Regeras and each one is a technical tour de force with an 1100 bhp V8 and 3 electric motors. 0-248 mph allegedly takes under 20 seconds, crazy numbers for a road car. If pure speed doesn’t impress then you can open the doors, bonnet and entire rear section of the car via your smartphone. If you like ‘em superficial and easy then this is the car for you.

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