THEGAYUK

Category: Comment

  • THE UNDATEABLE GAY | Don’t let a scorned beauty therapist wax your brows!

    THE UNDATEABLE GAY | Don’t let a scorned beauty therapist wax your brows!

    JAMIE. Cor, that name takes me back. I can’t quite remember when he was in my life. Let me just ponder for a moment. I’ve got a feeling it was back in 2015.

    Giuliamar / Pixabay

    That was back in a time when I had quite an addiction to Grindr. At one point, I thought I was going to need therapy to wean myself off the app. I’ve since deleted it as Grindr gets right on my tommys these days.

    But one night, I think it was a cold winter’s night in February 2015, I was just finishing work and I fancied a bit of jiggy jiggy and a glass of wine. So, I turned on Grindr and waited for a ping.

    When I was an avid Grindr user, I would never initiate a conversation. Call it fear of rejection or whatever you like. But just as I was taking a sip of Savvy B, a message pinged up.

    It was a very handsome man, in his late 30s and he lived in Weybridge. My antennae started whizzing around. Oooh, I thought. An older man is just what I need. He’ll be mature and experienced, I thought. And he lived in Weybridge. So I assumed he would be rich, even more appealing.

    Before you could say blow job, Jamie had invited me over to his gaff for a glass of Savvy B. Which we all know is secret code for sex. Well, maybe not so secret.

    Pardon the pun, but when I walked in, he really blew my mind. Along with something else.

    It felt different with Jamie. For anyone not in the know about Grindr, you normally walk straight through the front door and then, more often than not, you head straight to the bedroom.

    But not with Jamie. He already had a glass of plonk waiting for me and told me to take a seat on the sofa. We actually got on really well and I could feel my heart skip a beat as he looked at me as we laughed.

    After two glasses of Savvy B, he came in for the kiss. Obviously, it would have been rude of me not to reciprocate. There was a real passion in the way he kissed me and before you could say anal, he had dragged me into the bedroom. Not that I needed much dragging.

     

    I pulled down his trousers and I nearly fainted. He almost had my eye out. His penis was already fully erect so as it escaped from his flies, it came at my face like a coiled spring. I had to dodge it otherwise I fear I may have been blinded in my right eye.

     

    And I hate to be crude, but my word, it was rather large. I do believe I could have used it as a canoe.

    As I stripped off my clothes, I saw him lean over and open his bedside drawer. When I saw him pull out a pair of handcuffs, I think I turned white.

    Everyone who knows me well, knows my complete obsession and love of the well-known TV show The Bill. But I didn’t know how I felt about being handcuffed to a bed.

    Before you could shout, “Arrest that man!”, he had handcuffed me to the bed and I actually found it quite exhilarating.

    After an hour of passionate lovemaking. I call it lovemaking as, contrary to popular belief, I am really a hopeless romantic. After the deed was done, he released me from the cuffs and I kissed him goodnight. As I drove away, I hoped he would ask to see me again.

    A few weeks went by and we had started to see each other on a regular basis. Although it was only for sex. I become quite accustomed to being handcuffed. I used to scream, Next Time on The Bill!

    We never left the house together or went to a restaurant or anywhere in public actually. It was just sex. But I had started to fall in love with my fuck buddy. Oh shit. What a big faux pas.

    On numerous occasions, I begged him to take things to the next level.

    “Why don’t you take me out for dinner?” He would always fob me off when I asked that question.

    “I’m tired.” Not too tired for sex, I used to think. Not that I was complaining, it was very passionate and I enjoyed it.

    One day, after quite a few months of handcuffed lovemaking, I insisted that I would be round on Monday when he finished work, to cook him a lovely home cooked meal. If he couldn’t take me out for dinner because he was too tired, I would bring the dinner to him!

    I gauged his reaction and considering he’d never tasted my cooking, I could tell he wasn’t keen on the idea. And then he came out with it.

    “I think you want more from me than I want to give you.”

    OH. My face dropped. Obviously not literally. I’ve had far too much botox for that to happen. But you get the picture.

    “But you keep asking me back”, I was ashamed at how needy I sounded.

    “Yes, but I just want sex.”

    Heartbroken. I walked out of his flat, taking my half drunken bottle of Sauvignon Blanc with me. I felt no desire to share my expensive New Zealand wine with that bastard.

    A year had passed me by and Jamie hadn’t entered my thoughts in a while. Until one day, when a message popped up in my inbox.

    “Do you still do beauty treatments? I need my eyebrows waxed please.”

    My first thought. You cheeky bitch. But then, I thought of the money. What did I have to lose?

    I turned up at his flat, armed with my wax strips. I lay him on my beauty couch and got to work on his bushes that housed his eyes.

    Strip after strip, he yelped out in pain. I decided he wasn’t worthy of my usual gentle touch I normally use on my clients. I was quite enjoying inflicting some pain on him.

    “WHOOPS!” I suddenly screamed out. He shot up from the couch and looked straight in the mirror. He looked horrified as the realisation dawned on him that he had a rather large chunk missing from right in the middle of his brow.

    Feigning complete innocence, I pulled my best sorry face that my botox would allow.

    “I’m so sorry. It was a complete accident.”

    Needless to say, he never made another appointment.

  • COMMENT | Accessories

    Now for an article about adding things on, I am struggling for a title for this piece other than “Accessories” which is a bit ironic. Anyway, let’s crack on…

    Ever since man has had wheels, he has had this propensity to add, personalise or make his own, the car that he drives. Now I say he but I could very well say she too. And indeed where I am about to take you, the man was the chooser of the car, the woman did the dishes. 

    I was recently thumbing through Jaguar’s accessory and options list the other week. I was astounded to see £15 jump leads being sold for £126. Even Rimmer Brothers sell “genuine” Jaguar jump leads for £125.12p

    And then I started to look over the other goodies (or lack of) you could get for the Jag and it didn’t stop there. Other manufacturers are also slack in their personalisation of your vehicle. It’s all so ordinarily dull. So I decided to delve back into a time that us old enough to remember haven’t forgotten and look at who did the great extras. We go back, right back to the 1970s. You see a time when men chose the car which is why I said it to start with. Have you never seen Mike Leigh’s Abigail’s Party?

    I have my own list of goodies that I like to add including spotlights, over mats, wind deflectors, and mud flaps if available. I spent many hours pouring lustfully over the accessory brochures in my time. There were things you could get for the Citroën Visa that to this day I still dream off. They were awful! By the time I got my Visa, Citroën had stopped selling these extras so I was never able to dress my own with genuine naffness. And this is probably for the best.

    The French were always good at the accessory. Both Citroën and Renault played on their Frenchness by using French words on their accessory brochures. Citroën had “Accessoire” while Renault were the kings with “Boutique” and my word what a boutique it was.

    You could dress your 70’s Renault up to be the talk of the town either stylistically or in a way that your neighbours would wish for it to be hit by a bus. Renault Boutique had a stripe to suit (or not as the case sometimes was) for your car and the worst culprit would go to the R4. In fact, everything extra they sold for the R4 was vile. 

    Renault did redeem themselves with the Starsky and Hutch stripes on the R17. Citroën, on the other hand, could not and by the 1980s, they had lost the plot. Wheel arch finishers could be bought for the CX. Now those who know will know that the CX didn’t really have rear wheel arches. Well, think again. Those pesky spats that covered the rear wheels could be replaced with a lipped piece of plastic. 

    Not ones to waste money because they didn’t have any and because they didn’t want to be without some accessories, BL with Unipart, demonstrated their collection of aftermarket tat for the Metro with cartoons. Knorr used cartoons for serving suggestions for Aromat. While aromat was the finest MSG available for food, Unipart extras were not. You really could get everything you’d never want for your Metro like cruise control and air conditioning. 

    VW UK was mean to us when compared to VW USA. The humble T2 bus could be got with 2 pieces of chrome and a choice of roof racks. In the US, you could get EVERYTHING. And the Golf was left short-changed too. 1975 Golf had no reverse lights while the Beetle and Bus had them there and ready to go with a bit of wire. Never mind because VW could sell you a pair for the Golf that resembled porch lights that you have outside your front door. 

    The final word goes to the Italians and in particular, Lancia. They offered you the driver much more than a pair of spotlights and a body kit to cover up the rust and stripes to hold it all together. They offered a range of clothing before it was seen as enthusiastic wear. Forget rally jackets, they even sold shirts. Not just any old shirts that you could get in Marks and Sparks, oh no, they had genuine polyester cotton ones. So basically it was exactly the same as Marks and Sparks and the Grantham catalogue. What those two didn’t have was the suave man in Lancia sunglasses and to a 10-year-old Stuart, he was frigging HOT. 

  • COMMENT | Fighting Transphobia and How to be a Trans Ally

    COMMENT | Fighting Transphobia and How to be a Trans Ally

    Writer Simon Sayers-Franklin urges you to think carefully about being an ally to trans people in our community and what you can do to help with the soon-closing Gender Recognition consultation.

    Transgender Flag

    Transgender women ARE women… Sadly this is something that is contested by an increasing number of so called feminists. These vicious groups of Trans-Exclusionary Radical Feminists have made it their business to demonise and hurt trans people at all costs.

    They make the most bizarre claims, ranging from: “Trans women can never be women because they have experienced “male privilege”” to “Any man could pretend to be a trans woman in order to gain access to female spaces with a predatory intent.”

    The activist group, Fair Play for Women, just the other day took a whole page spread in the Metro, a free newspaper which is mostly distributed on public transport and therefore reaches a large audience. Their message not only displayed crude language but an absolute lack of understanding about transgender people and demonstrated a strange obsession with genitals. The ad questions whether “men” should be able to compete in sport with women. Whether “fully intact men” should be allowed to live in women-only prisons and the list goes on. The cost of this vile ad? £45,000. Now, that sort of money does not come from nowhere. These groups have some serious funding coming from somewhere and while we don’t know where it’s from, we can assume they have big sponsors somewhere. Don’t we deserve to know who it is so we can boycott or take appropriate action against them?

    While Ofcom have said they will look into complaints surrounding the ads, we will have to wait and see what their decision is. Judging by the recent outcome of the Ashers Bakery “Gay Cake” legal battle, which did a U-turn on the second appeal, it’s a worrying prospect.

    This ad comes just weeks after a billboard in Liverpool had to be removed within hours, following complaints. The group Standing for Women, had placed a plain, black billboard with white writing stating that “woman” means “adult human female.” Word got out and many quickly tweeted the company who had no idea about the motive behind the ads. The company were deeply shocked and upset. The billboard was quickly removed.

    Standing for Women, reacted with: “As you may have read, the billboard has been deemed transphobic and is being removed in an act of grotesque misogynistic rage. We are seeking legal advice and will make a full statement in due course.”

    We are still waiting for that full statement.

    Sadly, facing such hatred is the norm for transgender people in this day and age. The bullying is relentless and groups like Standing for Women, etc, keep pushing on and nobody seems to help. It’s a heart breaking statistic that almost half of young, transgender people have attempted suicide. This should not be happening and we need to do something.

    I recently met with Dr Adrian Harrop (@DrAdrianHarrop) who is an LGBTQ+ activist and is very passionate about taking a stand for transgender people’s rights and speaking up against these anti-trans groups. He has developed quite a name for himself for doing so, speaking on TV and radio as well as his twitter. The groups paint him out to be a monster but they couldn’t be further from the truth. He is warm, friendly and keen to make a positive change in the world.

    During my chat with Dr Harrop, we discussed the issues faced by transgender people in the modern world with smear campaigns in the media, the government not caring enough to do anything to help and abuse in the streets.

    The comparisons to paedophiles, perverts and sexual predators are no different to the abuse that the gay community faced in the past. It is scarily close to the attitudes of the 80s and early 90s at the height of the AIDS crisis, except now there’s no escape from the constant bullying. Online, anti-trans activists swarm like flies around any remote mention of a trans issue and let rip.

    For lots of us under thirty, we don’t remember a world with such dangerous hostility towards LGB people. We were too young to properly remember the AIDS crisis; we saw the back end of Section 28 in our school life, sex was legal for us sat 16. We have been very lucky to grow up in a world where battles have been fought and won by people who had a much harder time than us. Sadly, a majority of these heroes are no longer with us but we still owe it to them, to continue their fight. While the world is still not entirely accepting of LGB people it is so much easier than it was and now is the time to stand up for our transgender brothers and sisters.

    As cisgender gay men we are very privileged and we must use that to our advantage. Our transgender family have fought along side us for so long. We cannot forget that there is a T in LGBT and we must make a stand and fight alongside these people as they did for us.

    Now, the main question is “How do I become an effective transgender ally?” When we met, Dr Harrop explained how we can effectively help our transgender family. Here are some simple steps to being a trans ally:

    1. Respect and validate people without question. People know themselves better than you do. It’s a fact. Nobody should be made to feel like they need to explain themselves or that they need to validate their existence and their right to be who they are. This would never be expected of any other minority.

    2. Be prepared to call out transphobia. Most people would be confident to call out racism, lots would also be confident to call out homophobia… transphobia is no different. Call that out too whether it’s online or in person. Transphobia can sometimes be difficult to spot but it must be tackled. Examples include small things (which actually have a massive impact on the person receiving the abuse) like misgendering and calling someone by their dead name (their birth name) to more extreme cases where someone’s identity is being questioned with hurtful words and/or violence.

    3. Be supportive. Be kind. Be human.

    4. There is currently a consultation about the GRA (Gender Recognition Act) which involves a long, dehumanising and hurtful process for transgender people to “prove” their gender. If we make our voices heard, we can change this and make life much easier for our transgender family. Filling in the consultation is quick and easy and is a great way to start your journey to being a trans ally.

     

  • COMMENT | Romanian government uses anti gay political spin

    COMMENT | Romanian government uses anti gay political spin

    In Romania over the last weekend, there was a vote on changing the wording of the constitution of the nation where marriage is defined as between two spouses to between one man and one woman.

    Elionas / Pixabay

    The staunch conservative government had elicited the support and involvement of the Romanian Orthodox church and mounted a campaign against gay marriage. Further taking the unusual step of extending the vote from 1 to 2 days to try and get the required number of votes

    Romania is a country that does not recognise gay marriage or civil unions. So whilst the alteration to the constitution would have blocked future changes in LGBT+ civil rights it would have made no difference now. So what was all of the fuss about?

    My friends in Romania, gay and straight tell me the public perception is this has all been a “smokescreen” to divert attention from what is really going on in the government. One of its most powerful politicians, Liviu Dragnea, has been convicted for his part in a fake jobs scam and sentenced to three and a half years in prison. His appeal against sentence was held up for another month at the start of this week.

    Early indications from pre-voting day polls suggested up to 90% of people would cast their vote. A vote for No would have counted as part of the percentage of the overall number of voters. This is important as 30% of the voting population were required to take part to validate the referendum. In response to this the No campaign had promoted an abstention from voting as a way to defeat the vote by reducing the number of people taking part and forcing the Yes campaign to provide all of the 30% of voters required.

    The referendum was not validated as only 20.4% of voters turned out. A massive result for passive resistance!

    What does this mean for the future of LGBT+ rights in Romania? Is there a softening towards a more accepted view, or were the populous just fed up of being duped by the government?

  • Have you ever felt lonely? The results from one of the biggest surveys on loneliness are out!

    Have you ever felt lonely? The results from one of the biggest surveys on loneliness are out!

    “The worst loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself”. —Mark Twain

    CREDIT: bigstock-soupstock

    It’s often said that the modern world is very well connected but a lonely place. We have all these different tools for connecting us more than ever before, but it often feels like we are also further apart and alone than we ever have been before.

    Fair warned before I start, I’m going to talk about a programme on BBC Radio 4, so put your impressions of that to one side for a moment (as I get stick all the time for listening to Radio 4 as a 30 something) we have something that you will find really interesting.

    A survey of more than 55,000 people run by BBC Radio 4’s All in the Mind programme in collaboration with the Wellcome Trust has now given us some fascinating insights into loneliness.

    “16- to 24-year-olds experience loneliness more often and more intensely than other age groups”

    The “Loneliness Experiment” as it’s known, led by Developmental Psychologist Professor Pamela Qualter, was the largest survey of its kind and of the many things it revealed one of the most interesting was that 16- to 24-year-olds experience loneliness more often and more intensely than other age groups.

    The survey revealed that 40% of 16- to 24-year-olds reported feeling lonely often or very often while 29% of those aged 65 to 74 and 27% of people aged over 75 reported the same.

    In an interview given to the British Psychological Society Professor Qualter outlined why she thought young people suffered from loneliness more than others;

    “It doesn’t surprise me though that young people are lonely – they’re at a point in life where they’re trying to work out who they are and what their place is, and that’s hard. It’s a time when you’re very vulnerable to loneliness. One of the things I thought was interesting was our younger sample weren’t just higher on the frequency of loneliness, but also much higher on the intensity of loneliness. That, for me, hints at the fact that maybe this is part of a normal transition. Younger people are working out who they are in the world and are also only possibly experiencing this thing called loneliness for the first or second time. They don’t know that this doesn’t last forever and they’re also trying to develop the different skills to overcome it.”

    Hopefully, some more studies will come off the back of this, especially around the reasons why in the older generations they reported feeling less lonely. Most of us would perceive the elderly to be lonelier but it would appear not. Is that because they have learnt how to combat it or have simply learnt to live with it, therefore it’s not as intense as it is for the young and new to the sensation?

    One of the things that the survey also revealed was that LGBT people also often feel lonelier than others, but only where they feel discriminated against. If, as Professor Qualter suggests, the feeling of loneliness is linked to self-identity and belonging then this makes complete sense. If we feel that we should belong somewhere, but don’t for whatever reason, we can often feel isolated and alone.

    Free-Photos / Pixabay

    As discrimination is very much alive and well both outside and inside the LGBT community this doesn’t surprise me. One of the other results of the survey showed that people had different ways to combat loneliness, one way is to go out and meet new people (even if it’s just an interaction with the local shop assistant).

    This is also the reason why the charity initiative ‘All Together UK’, which won an Attitude Pride Award earlier this year, is vital in trying to combat that sense of loneliness in the LGBT community. It’s not been around that long as is a simple concept. Events, all around the UK, where people can come and meet people they wouldn’t normally have been exposed to, in a relaxed and supportive setting. Whether it’s this, OutdoorLads, your local LGBT charity events or even your local pub quiz night, if it’s a safe space then do consider going along either on your own and make friends or take a friend and see if you can get to know some more.

    While we will never be able to eradicate loneliness, and even the survey says that many people appreciated some ‘alone’ time, initiatives like this and many more are vital for ensuring that everyone feels included and that they are not alone.

    I do recommend listening to the podcast where they reveal the results and explore some of the themes. Loneliness affects us all at some stage and learning a bit more about what it means to be lonely and some of the different ways of coping with it might help you either now or later in life.

  • COMMENT | Dame Judi’s comments are a breath of fresh air

    Let he or she who hath not sinned cast the first stone

    SBuckley-Depositphotos

    What a refreshing breath of fresh air are the comments made by Dame Judi Dench at a Spanish Film Festival in relation to Kevin Spacey. It’s about time common sense prevailed and it is a shame it takes an old lady of theatre now 83, to show some realism.

    We seem to be in an age of pious self-righteousness. I have long been sick of the hashtag MeToo# or however it appears. Don’t do twitter!

    Kevin Spacey, the same as many others with a tarnished reputation, has worked on and contributed to our entertainment a vast amount of work, in all of which they play characters and not themselves.

    What would I like to see? Those convicted lose the right to repeat fees. The fees should be signed over for a period or forever depending on the severity and number of crimes to a charity engaged in work in the treatment of their victims or others of similar crimes. In that way the general public can still enjoy the characters they have created with a clear conscience in the knowledge repeat fees are going to help others.

    There has been a trend of outing big names. Always worrying when so many of those who come forward seem to derive publicity they would otherwise be unable to muster, in the absence of allegation.

    In writing this I have come to realise what I thought at the outset of allegations last year was a good thing may have been exploited by some who are wannabe victims for their own end.

    In many ways, it is the path of the predator to have trust, authority or image that is coveted by the vulnerable. It is a minority who are swayed by their own desire to abuse and hopefully it is a similar or lesser number of the vulnerable who exploit easy targets.

    Whether gay or straight or any other designation there will always be predators and victims. It may not always be clear which is which. What I could do better is not to judge from my armchair.

  • 10 things every single gay man just doesn’t want to hear

    10 things every single gay man just doesn’t want to hear

    To all the single ladies out there, a lot of what I’m about to have a moan about I’m hoping I can get an ‘amen’ for each one. And sorry all those in relationships, you’re lovely and we love you, but this is for us single girls.

    via GIPHY

    Now, if you’ve been single for a period of time certain things start to get under your skin. Most people are just being nice and some are even genuinely trying to help but in almost all cases I’d rather attend the stage performance of ‘memoirs of Nigel Farage’ than hear any more about how single I am.

    With thanks to the lovely people from twitter I’ve collated the 10 things that every single man really just doesn’t want to hear while they are single so please stop, right now, or the pixie gets it…

    1 – “why are you single?”

    via GIPHY

    I get it all the time and it drives me up the wall. I don’t know why I’m single, if I did I wouldn’t be single and I’d probably be the best love counsellor around and could make millions helping those that are single. But I’m not, therefore I could spend hours coming up with this reason or that reason why it’s dinner for one and wine for 3 most nights. Stop asking me that!!!

    2 – “your problem is you’re being too fussy!”

    via GIPHY

    To that, I simply say p**s off. My standards are actually fairly practical. They have to be alive, have at least half a brain cell, can hold a conversation, can laugh, sociable (but that isn’t a must), come with an MOT and full-service history. You are trying to find love you know, dating anyone and everyone is just a fool’s errand so this nonsense that people are ‘too picky’, for most of us is utter tosh. Stop saying it unless you genuinely believe we are being too picky because our list of demands is as long as your arm. THEN, you are too fussy.

    3 – “you’d make a lovely husband for someone”

    via GIPHY

    Thanks, just rub it in some more why don’t you… Who in their right mind thinks this is a nice thing to say to someone when they are single? Just remind me that I’m prime beef still sat on the shelf looking at all the shoppers go straight past to the value aisle. Non-single people, stop it! It’s not helpful and it’s not kind.

    4 – “someone will come along eventually”

    via GIPHY

    Well so will the number 46 bus so that isn’t really helping the situation now is it?

    5 – “ooooh I have a friend who is gay. He’s lovely. You’ll love him!”

    via GIPHY

    NO, STOP IT RIGHT NOW!! Blind dates are the work of the devil. And why is it often (but not always) straight women that do this? You can’t pair gays up like socks, just because they look sort of similar doesn’t mean they are a matching pair. That’s not how it works. I’d be interested to hear from anyone that has actually found love from a blind date arranged by a friend.  Genuinely I want to see if it works because my experience has just been car crash after car crash. (Maybe it’s me…?)

    6 – “oh it’s such a waste that you’re gay (from straight women)”

    via GIPHY

    Sorry ladies your casual homophobia is not kind, sweet or necessary. Stop saying it!

    7 – “can you hurry up and get married, we want to attend a gay wedding”

    via GIPHY

    Is that what I’m reduced to now, a source of entertainment and a reason to buy a flamboyant hat/fascinator because you want to attend a gay wedding? Well, Joan (or whatever their name is), maybe I don’t want to get married. Just because I want a boyfriend doesn’t necessarily mean I’ll get married. So ha! That’s screwed up your plans hasn’t it Joan??

    8 – “I find that if you stop looking, someone will appear”

    via GIPHY

    What is this a ritual to summon Bloody Mary? If I don’t think about dating a date will appear. When has that ever been a successful strategy for anything in life? If I don’t think about the washing up, magically it’ll get done. If I don’t think about the promotion at work, magically they will just give it to me! I get where you are coming from, but strangely enough I don’t spend every waking moment thinking about dating, I have work to do, therefore I’m already doing that and nothing has changed.

    9 – “have you tried online dating”

    via GIPHY

    Have you? Let’s be honest here the options for online dating aren’t good. Grindr is not for dating. Anyone that tries to look for dates on there is on a fool’s errand. It’s for one thing, booty calls. If someone comes off your booty call then great, but dates? No. As for the rest, well they are a little bit hit and miss. Some are good for online conversation and some just Grindr but a different app. I did, however, stumble across ‘hinge’ the other day. That’s not bad as a different kind of dating app. I would recommend. And did you know that Gaydar was still going? Who knew!

    10 – “If I was single, I’d date you”

    via GIPHY

    While this is a nice thing to say, it really doesn’t help. That’s like turning up at a friends dinner party and declaring you’ve already eaten. It’s rude and now I feel like my indoor-outdoor BBQ and finger buffet has gone to waste.

    I don’t say all this a bitter, twisted and lonely old soul (plays small violin), but I say this so that maybe, just maybe, with a little more foresight we can stop these pointless sayings and enjoy life be that single, taken, unhappily taken, polyamorous or whatever.

  • COMMENT | The Best Car I’ve Driven

    COMMENT | The Best Car I’ve Driven

    Motoring journalist, Neil Briscoe, on Twitter recently posted up that the best car he’d ever driven was a Mercedes pagoda. It got me thinking. I get to drive lots of new and old cars and those in the middle. But which is my favourite?

    This is difficult because my driving career spans 26 years and when I look back I could say the 1979 Mercedes 280SL but I was 18 when I drove one of those and compared to my second Citroën Visa, it was powerful and luxurious. Likewise I was also 18 when I first drove a VW Beetle and that’s enough to put you off motoring despite wanting one.

    No, it’s taken me some serious thinking, a little bit of drinking and a thumbing through photos and books to come up with my best car I have ever driven. It’s the Peugeot 104 ZS.

    I’ve had 2 of them. Both 1980 models, both blue and both ZS models. The first was quite the wreck but the second was much better. It wasn’t the best car in the world though. In refinement and luxury departments, it was overshadowed by the likes of the Ford Fiesta and Renault 5. It was rather crude and basic despite having electric windows and alloy wheels. It had rubber mats in the rear, piss poor ventilation and a tiny boot.

    What makes it the best car I’ve ever driven was one fundamental thing: I’d look at it and for unquestionable reasons, I’d dread the drive where I had to go. Yet it always entertained. It’s diminutive size and 1360cc engine with 72bhp was hardly left embarrassing itself in traffic of the day. I also had a comfy luxo barge, Peugeot 504 Ti automatic in the garage at the time too.

    On the motorway, it kept up and beyond despite only having a 4-speed gearbox, it was never tiresome or overly noisy. The 12 CD changer in the boot, 6×9 speakers in the rear side panels and 7” in the doors put pay to excess noise by drowning out the cacophony of mechanical screaming to Kylie Minogue and Duran Duran. 

    It was also one of the last cars I have owned where I’d just jump in it late at night and head for the roads in the dark. I’d be out for hours and hours, yellow Sev Marchal headlights cutting through the worst of the night. I did some stupid things in it and yet I lived to tell the tale. It never once got so out of hand that it ended up facing the other way. Something that could not be said for the Peugeot 205!

    The entertaining also stretched to its ability in the snow. Being a home carer at the time, I needed to get out and about in vile weather and that car was amazing in the snow. Small wheelbase with all the weight over the front wheels certainly helped. Its Achilles heel was its wipers. They were slow.

    So here we are, 2018 and the 1980 Peugeot 104 ZS has to be the best car I have ever driven though probably not owned. Oh crap, now I’m thinking about that one. Be right back…

  • Strange Finds: A photo of Cliff and a severed hand

    Strange Finds: A photo of Cliff and a severed hand

    A photo of Cliff Richard and a severed hand. It’s amazing what you can find when you really start looking.

    Alexas_Fotos / Pixabay

    This is the part where I should be telling you about the prophetic experiences in life that define us and help to clarify who the inner being is, enabling us to individually move forward with a deftness of purpose and in the sure knowledge of mind body and soul. Unfortunately, I lack any of that profundity and this is the anecdotal tale of two physical finds that made me laugh, shocked me and made me smile.

    I was nicknamed years ago by a friend as Tom-The Turtleneck! Nothing to do with a long foreskin, more a proclivity for looking to the floor, in case I found something. Though I never did, but I was a trendsetter as long before mobile phones I was already bumping into other pedestrians and lamp posts, because of not looking where I was going.

    A long time ago, well relatively for me, more than half my life since; I lived with the son of a scrap metal millionaire. It was before I was out and our friendship was nonsexual though, it had its physical aspects as I was discovering my sexuality and he was curious about his. I was 20 and he was 24. His dad’s company had as part of its business, a contract for collecting vehicles for whatever reason, seized by the local authority and also the Police contract for collecting cars involved in road traffic accidents. The latter was a 24/7 365 day per year service. For the pedantic among you once every 4 years it was 366 days.

    The phone alongside my bed had the number the Police control centre would call after hours. It was a small double room with a wardrobe two side cabinets and a window onto an inner courtyard. The room was decorated in a muted autumnal colour. The phone was a slimline trim phone.

    On a wet and windy winters night, it rang out and having taken the details I knew it was a full lift of one vehicle involved in a fatal accident with multiple deaths on the entrance to one of the inner city drive-thru underpasses which travelled below an island on the main ring road.

    It was an inconvenient but common occurrence. These events often happened in adverse weather conditions and in the small hours when either speed or alcohol or both were influencing factors.

    Arriving on the scene alone blue Renault 5 was on its roof around 20 yards after the junction to either go left to the island or straight on under to the city. It appeared the driver had been indecisive and at the last minute changed his mind and hit the inner kerb tipping his vehicle over. He had likely been travelling in excess of the speed limit. Driver and passenger were each killed and their bodies had been removed. The attending officers had completed the required measuring up and were now eager to have the obstacle of the upturned car removed in order they could sweep up and re-open the road.

    Using the crane on the back of the lorry we lifted and secured the car, signed for it and returned to drop it off in the scrap yard. At the yard, there was a specific compound (roped off area) where insurance claims were kept. These cars were retained intact until such a time as any investigator or loss adjuster had made their visits.

    Among the debris of broken glass in any such accident, there was often part of the contents of the vehicle which were not at the time of impact secured. So we always had a rummage through the cars and took things such as cassettes. This was the 1980s and a lot of people made really good mixtapes, especially for cars driven such as ours by a boy racer.

    “My housemate had the torch and he shone it in my direction as I lifted my find from the floor. It was a severed hand, more precisely a partially dismembered left hand”

    I was digging around in the front passenger footwell when I found something heavy. My housemate had the torch and he shone it in my direction as I lifted my find from the floor. It was a severed hand, more precisely a partially dismembered left hand. We screamed, really loud girly screams, I dropped the hand and we each ran back a few steps, before recovering our composure. Thank God for a strong sphincter muscle as I very nearly defecated in my tighty whities.

    Daring each other on as only two blokes can who did not want to appear chicken, we went back to the car, shone a torch on the hand, and then ran to the office in the yard and called Police control to inform them of our find. I am not sure they believed our story of doing an inventory of contents at 3.00 AM, outside in the middle of the night in the pouring rain, but they sent a unit to collect the hand.

    My second find is less gruesome. At the turn of the century, I took over a restaurant. The previous incumbent had amongst his businesses had been involved in house clearances. He had left an eclectic mix of furniture boxes and bags.

    In one of the bedrooms, there were black bags filled with photographic slides. I can imagine these were once boxed and catalogued but now they were the disrespected memories of a business and a life that had ceased. They were broken and in disarray. They had been left as they were rubbish and he had been too lazy to clear them away because they had no value.

    In one of the bags, there was the sound of glass clanging on metal. Inside the box I found a biscuit tin. The lid had not been removed for years and it was firmly shut. When I finally managed to lift it, inside were more photographic slides, all broken into many pieces.

    On the base of the tin was something turned face down? I delved in and lifted 10 7×5 black and white photographs. They were each stamped proof and were images taken at a wedding. It was a top hat and tails affair. The style of the time suggested it was in the early 1960s.

    The recurring theme in each of the images was one individual. It was not the bride or groom. When I got to a photograph of this person alone, holding aloft a drink, I recognised him. It was Cliff Richard.

    This was a pleasant discovery. I am not a fan, but on a scale from severed hand to photographs; I rate it highly.

    You may be wondering what happened to them. Nothing I still have them. On the back is the address of the studio, but it has gone and so has the street, so I could not return them to the owner. It is probable that the wedding party got their copies and possibly so did Cliff. I think these were just keepsakes from a day when a photographer met a celebrity.

    In 2000 on the street where the restaurant was located a film crew with a boy band were making a music video. It created much interest on the day. The producer had lunch in the restaurant. He offered me £250 for the one with Cliff on his own holding a glass. He said it might have been taken before he met Billy Graham and became a born-again Christian and as such might be one of the last images of him with an alcoholic beverage. This felt invasive and disrespectful, I don’t want to hurt or offend anyone and I did not feel selling them would be in the best interest of Cliff Richard or in keeping with the wishes of the photographer, who must have known they had a value but kept them for approaching 40 years.

    This has been written because someone prompted me about finds recently and I had not taken them out of the drawer where they are kept for years. In the past when people had come to dinner they had been a talking point until I moved and they became forgotten. I suppose one day after I am gone someone will be going through my belongings and wondering, ”Who are the people in these photographs, they are not his friends or family”, and they will be thrown away as just the memories of another old man.

  • COMMENT | When I Grow Up, I’m Going To Drive

    Something popped up on Twitter recently. An advert for a 1980’s Peugeot 305 GTX diesel estate.

    About 18 years ago I’d promised myself one of those. It won’t happen now though. I don’t need another diesel on the fleet and l certainly don’t need another old car with the ever-increasing difficulty in getting parts when l have three others.

    You see, I am a bit of a motoring pervert. I’m realistic and as a child, my dream-car choices of car reflected this. Despite them being new at the time, they were cheap. I’m a realist you see and it’s probably why I never ended up with a coke habit because, let’s face it, coke is expensive! A Lamborghini is expensive. A Morris Ital estate isn’t.  

    So I thought about those other cars I’d promised myself and picked the top five that I won’t buy.

    Morris Ital Estate

    In 1980 I didn’t know the Ital was in actual fact a Morris Marina. To me, the Ital looked great. It wasn’t. It was a Marina and those were dreadful. The Ital was an end of life crisis revamp for the Marina to buy British Leyland sometime before the replacement was available. Judging by the number of model designation changes that the Ital went through, it didn’t work. They were just desperate to sell it like Ital design studio were to distance itself from the project. 

    I won’t buy one now. I know what it is but a little part of me shall always have a little soft spot for an estate. A little bit, like a fingernail clippings worth.

    Austin Ambassador

    WHAT THE F**K AM I DOING! The Ambassador. Another rehash from BL to buy some time. This time, around two years. The Ambassador wasn’t a bad car. It was the Austin Princess that we should have got in the first place. In that, I mean a hatchback. Why the Princess was a saloon is a question flat earthers really should be spending their time wondering about. 

    I won’t buy one now. I like them though. I think they still look rather good but not in Vanden Plas guise. That chrome trim on the bonnet looked stupid. A bit like the name really. This Ambassador wasn’t really spoiling us at all.

    Austin Montego Saloon

    Now, this is the dirty secret I have held until recently. Andrew Ryan on Twitter ( @andrewryan100 ) recently posted a huge factoid on the Montego. Kept me enthralled and the fire for the Montego was re-lit. The styling of the car was always a joy to look at so don’t get me looking at that three-piece rear window. It was like a bay window for a car and no other car out there had one. I like bay windows. It’s a suburban thing I suppose. A place for nic-nacs like a nodding dog or box of tissues!

    I won’t buy one now. The trouble with the Montego was that it wasn’t that well built, every one I looked at as a child always had mis-match alignment between the headlights and bonnet and a dashboard was rather bland.   

    Renault 17

    These always looked like they were fun. The 17 was the elegant sex pest to the frumpy 15. The rear side windows, covered with louvres, popped inwards. The quad headlights were surrounded by an extension of the bumper. They looked amazing. To top it off, you could get them with an electric folding roof. This was 70’s Europe and such things were frivolous craziness that your grandmother, who’d still wave her ration-book at you, would not approve. Matchbox toys got involved and made a small model of one.  

    I won’t buy one now. This really is a sad moment that I admit that I won’t but I did get to drive one from a guy I started dating. The car wasn’t quite what I expected and as for the date, that wasn’t either. 

    Visa GTi

    I started my driving career with a Visa. And I progressed steadily through the many engine changes including the 2-cylinder and the diesel. I even had a convertible one too. Trouble was, insurance for a young man back then on a GTi was impossible or expensive. And then you had the fuel economy. I was used to the high 40s and beyond with the diesel. The GTi couldn’t do that.

    I won’t buy one now. Most have rusted away sadly or their thin bodywork has gone all crinkly and out of shape. And to be honest, I have had five of them and you can have too much of a good thing. 

    So there you go, 5 cars I’ve hankered after for all these years that are not going to happen. That said it does mean I am not ruling out a VW 411 or Lancia Beta coupe. Watch this space. 

  • COMMENT | As suicide amongst LGBT+ teens remains high, more needs to be done to stop bullying

    COMMENT | As suicide amongst LGBT+ teens remains high, more needs to be done to stop bullying

    This week is Suicide prevention week, a chance to be informed of how to prevent a friend or loved one from taking their life. Advice that, sadly, is much needed in the LGBTQ community.

    According to statistics from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, one in four LGBTQ teens tries to take their own life, and far too many succeed.

    One in four! With most recent tragic victim 9-year-old Colorado boy Jamel Myles fresh on our minds these figures now have a face, and we need to think of ways to stop adding to this count.

    Over the last few months more terrifying statistics have been released: According to the Metropolitan Police, the number of homophobic hate crimes being committed in London has doubled over the last five years. But not just there, searching through online reports homophobia is on the rise around the world (in every walk of life) and so is the bullying of queer youth – apparently even by teachers in several cases.

    The first thing that needs to be done is more attention to bullying prevention, as this is where it starts. These are dangerous times to be young and “different”. With bullying seemingly legitimised by the internet, media and politics adults feel they have the right to point, judge and hurt; whether through social media or verbally. This behaviour rubs off on young children and teens, leading them to judge others the same way.

    “It is horrifying to know that bullying has become even more vicious and unrelenting since the 1990s, especially since the “invention” of online bullying. It is a horrific idea that these days the harassment just continues at home, in what should be the safety of your bedroom”

    Bullying has always been around amongst children, of course. I too was a victim; different, mixed raced and shy I was an easy target. It too drove me to try and take my life, my mother saved me, and for that, I’ll always be grateful. This was in the 1990s, and it is horrifying to know that bullying has become even more vicious and unrelenting since then, especially since the “invention” of online bullying. It is a horrific idea that these days the harassment just continues at home, in what should be the safety of your bedroom.

    What is needed is more help and support for young LGBTQ teens: an appointed counsellor (preferably LGBTQ themselves) in every school would be a step in the right direction. Children and teenagers talk easier if they feel the person is “like” them or “gets” them. Educating teachers about bullying and other problems LGBTQ teens face is important too.

    More bullying prevention and a zero tolerance against bullying and discrimination are also very important. Far too often the bully gets validated in his or her behaviour with alarming future consequences.

    Bullying leaves lifelong scars that can be damaging. It can cause a crippling lack of confidence, PTSD, internalised homophobia and lots of other mental health issues. Protecting LGBTQ and other bullied children now is protecting their future. Protecting LGBTQ and other bullied children GIVES them a future!