THEGAYUK

Category: Worth A Read

  • OPINION | Celebrity Big Brother: I feel I’ve been watching a long-running pro-Tory commercial

    Big Brainwashing. Why does Big Brother want us to love dangerous Ann Widdecombe?

    Yes, I admit it: I’ve been watching Celebrity Big Brother for the first time in years. Hearing it was the Year of the Women I was intrigued. Hearing that there were, to be frank, political discussions hooked me. Little did I know what was in store.

    Well, about that whole Year of the Women debacle I can be short: they never meant it did they? If they did the selection would have been better. (Almost) all of the women selected were lovely and admirable in their own way, but were they the perfect choice to represent the whole of womanhood?

    Not according to the audience who voted three out in the first week and another three in last Tuesday’s eviction. But even ignoring that: the year of the women basically ended when the men entered the house … or even before that: the moment Ann Widdecombe entered and opened her mouth.

    The reason why she was ever asked to represent in “The Year of the Women” is questionable, as she has always made it blatantly clear she is no supporter of the female sex.

    She even admittedly left the Anglican Church to become a Catholic because she did not like their decision to accept women vicars.

    On her first night in she revealed she was basically against fighting for female rights or equal payment and victim blamed rape victims.

    She then upset trans contestant India by misgendering her, even though she was corrected several times by both India and other housemates.
 She later also branded Prince Harry’s fiancee Meghan Markle “trouble”, saying the actress’s background and attitude made her “uneasy”.

    Which for other contestants should have been enough to be voted out first, if you think about it. But not this time. No-one seemed to even bat an eyelid, and the media reported it as if the comments came from a funny old aunty, not a former Tory politician and media personality who still has quite a lot of influence: she still writes books and columns and is often wheeled out to defend unpopular Tory policies.

 Then Courtney Act (or Shane Jenek) entered the house, and things got even worse: the Ru Paul’s Drag Race contestant was met with eye roles and disapproving looks from the start. Every conversation about gay rights or feminism was met with contrary statements tuts or more eye roles. Even when the other girls talked about things that had upset them or made them uneasy she refused to show any empathy.

    Things got even worse once Courtney struck up a firm flirty friendship with Andrew Brady. This friendship with Brady was labelled “disgusting” by Ann, and their funny play fights were what made her choose the pair as the ones to be up for eviction. She thought their actions were sexual claimed they had “brought the whole house into disrepute” and then upset Brady by suggesting his mother and grandmother would be upset by it.

    Strangely it was not Ann who was edited as the bad guy in this, but according to the media, it was Andrew for being so upset he called her the c-word. Sure, not the nicest thing to call someone, but when pushed past the breaking point in a place like that tempers run high. The fact that a lot of housemates had admitted to feeling restricted by Ann’s constant judging, her eye-rolls and facepalming seems forgotten or ignored – even by most housemates themselves.

    This was not the first time Big Brother and the media twisted events to let Ann get off scot-free. Year of the ‘bad editing’ and year of the ‘feeble excuses’ would have been a better label. Or … year of protecting the sexism and homophobia apologist … Because frankly, that is what I feel I have been watching.
 Actually, I don’t know WHAT I’ve been watching beyond a long-running pro-Tory commercial. 

Several housemates have claimed that Ann seems to get a favourable treatment where edits are concerned. (The edit CBB chose to make of a conversation Andrew and Shane had during a very late night ‘Live from the house’ broadcast compared to what was shown on the official CBB show seems to support this.)

    Also, the way the show went out of their way to create another non-existent homophobic row to deflect from Ann was a clear indication of how protective they are of their ‘star’; John Barnes was edited to look homophobic in a conversation with Courtney.

    Even though the poor man, who had very intellectual LGBT rights conversations on the show, was obviously talking about what older straight men usually think about gay men. The media did pick up on this in a big way, even though Courtney expressed on camera what a great conversation she had with John.

    Meanwhile, more and more people in and around the house became “protective of Ann”; she was so entertaining and funny. She was harmless; it was pantomime, she was close with bisexual Amanda Barrie; it was all a joke.

 A strange long-running joke then. A joke who wrote a column to support conversion therapy.
 A joke who voted against: Gay adoption, Equalising the age of consent, Repealing Section 28, Civil partnerships, Equality Act, Making it easier for lesbian couples to access IVF.

    She is also against abortion and once agreed with the view that even in case of women who get pregnant because of rape, a life is still a life.

    She calls herself “a defender of the unborn”.

    In the recent past, she even supported capital punishment and a move to shackle pregnant prisoners in hospital.

 Looking up the housemates online before going in Courtney might well be surprised by the views of Ann and had every right to ask her about it.

    When she was a member of the House of Commons, she was a representative of us, the people so she should be willing to debate and admit what she did and why. There is no need to protect her from this; she chooses to appear on reality TV time and time again.

    She chose to go in this house, knowing that there would be debate and made herself a target by goading people like Courtney and Andrew by constantly eye rolling everything they did. She clearly revels in upsetting and placing small ticking bombs that she keeps kicking until they explode, but when they do she blames the injured party for being ‘too sensitive’ and then shuts down, expecting her protectors to finish the job. A neat political trick.

    It is remarkable that a person like this is hailed as a “loveable granny” in edits. For most of the time, this series was the “Ann” show, where housemates seemed to always chat about how “funny” and “adorable” she was. Sometimes this continued on into the Bit On The Side studio, where after a while people even forgot to add the, “I don’t agree with her views”, disclaimer that they’d added at the start.
 There is the strange feeling of it being ‘the year of the conservative’ where the housemates and audience alike are sucked into her views and being to repeat them.

    Quietly, Ann trained everyone in the house to look at her for approval… once she achieved that, she made the correlation that she was like Mum or Grandmum. She gave rewards and punishments. Then gradually escalated the levels of what they weren’t allowed to do, thus shutting out everyone who had anything bad to say about her. To disrespect/disagree with Ann would be like doing that to your own loved ones and made the person questioning the rules seem wrong and vindictive. And if you do a Twitter search it seems as if it’s working. Ann is hailed for her views and convictions by a good many people.

    The main excuse Ann apologists seem to use is ‘she’s old, and people were like that back then.’

    Excuse me? Were they really?

    Pardon me, but Ann Widdecombe is 70, not 101, She is not from the pre-war or Victorian age. She is my mum’s age; a woman who fought for equality for women, race and LGBT. If she heard someone like Ann back then, she’d clipped her around the head.
 Ann Widdecombe grew up in the ‘Swinging 60s’, she is younger than Mick Jagger and most of the Rolling Stones, younger than the remaining Beatles. She is as old as Marianne Faithfull – who was raised a convent girl but became a poster girl for bisexual liberation.

    These were the decades of protesting, feminism and sexual liberation – she might not have been part of it, but she can’t pretend she never heard of it. She certainly can’t brainwash people into believing that her attitude was the norm back then amongst her peers.

    The worst thing is seeing other LGBT members make those excuses for her, sucked in by the “funny old lady” act. No Amanda, Wayne, Rylan, Biggins, Russell Grant – this was not the norm back then. Shame especially those who are her age: why shame your whole generation?
 People like Elizabeth Taylor, Joanna Lumley, Barbra Streisand and most of the cast of Grace and Frankie are her peers as is Barbra Windsor.

    All these people believed and still believe in gay rights and general equality, even the nuns in the original Call the Midwife books were more open-minded than she is.

    What the heck Amanda especially; how difficult is it to understand that gay people did not have the right to marry in the very recent past and that this was because of people like Ann who voted against that. Be friends with her if you must, but don’t say that she and her opinions had nothing to do with your rights! Even on the show Widdecombe still insisted: “Marriage is between a man and a woman.”

    She uses her status to create her own little pantomime in which she is the star, knowing that this will continue to give her a stage to present her dangerous opinions… It’s a trick card Donald Trump played as well during the elections.

    It has nothing to do with how ‘things were back then’, as this was clearly not the case amongst her age group; it has to do with a narrow-minded woman who enjoys being the villain when it suits her, knowing it keeps her in the media. She uses her status to create her own little pantomime in which she is the star, knowing that this will continue to give her a stage to present her dangerous opinions. It even seems to make her popular with every generation. It’s a trick card Donald Trump played as well during the elections.

    Like Trump, Ann too showed she is still vindictive, placing Maggie Oliver up for eviction because of past political clashes. Maggie – who everyone expected to go far was barely seen during her time on the show. “I was talking about police, zero hour contracts, poverty and homelessness and those conversations haven’t been showed,”

    She came out of the house saying Ann had ‘no compassion for the homeless or poor’ and is a ‘misogynist’.

    “I don’t hate Ann,” she said. “She’s a powerful woman, and I believe that she is a misogynist.
 She’s playing a very clever game. She is very intelligent, but emotionally she is not. 
My views on politicians are widely reported, and Ann has proved every comment and stereotype that I have made about people in positions of authority. 
I don’t believe [her lack of empathy] is her fault, she has lived a privileged life.

    Emotionally she has never evolved. Politically she is very smart, but she has lived in a world of men. She has shown that in the fact she is quite vocal on her views about women.”

    In a way, this is bigger than Big Brother as this is a small window into the state of the world right now. It reveals how easily people give up their own opinions and freedom and how much intolerance towards those that fight for equality there still is.

    The catchphrase of this year’s Big Brother is “respect your elders”. Of course, you have to have respect for those that came before you; so many people fought for your right to exist and a lot of the freedoms we have now. But when someone is disrespectful or hurtful to you – judging you before they have even met you. You are allowed to voice your opinion. No-one is allowed to belittle or hurt anyone, no matter who they are and what their age is.

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • Body shaming: Do you even know what it is?

    Recently you may have seen me talking more and more about the culture of body shaming in the media and the wider gay community.

    Are a hairless body and a six pack the route to happiness?

    I started talking about it because I have suffered from body confidence issues and these have started to affect my personality. We all get our confidence (large or small amounts) from somewhere and mine have definitely been harder to muster since I started comparing my own body shape to that of the ‘picture perfect’ man. Some of the engagement I have had with people has been quite useful and has led me to some conclusions.

    Firstly, there is a lot of confusion out there as to what exactly ‘body shaming’ is and what harm it can bring. And secondly a surprisingly high number people I’ve seen will state one moment they are against it, but the next moment share content they have just said they were against. Both seem to stem from that lack of understanding as to what exactly body shaming is and how it can fuel negative thoughts in people, like those associated with body dysmorphia. I, therefore, wanted to share some of my own personal thoughts and experiences on this and encourage you to find out exactly what body shaming is and how it could be negatively influencing you without you even realising it.

    I’ll start by saying that if you are perfectly happy in your body shape, regardless of what this might be, then most of this will pass you by. And this is by no means saying what you are doing and how you live your life is wrong, far from it. If you have found body confidence regardless of your body shape then treasure it. I for one will never try to take that from you as I know how precious that can be.

    However, put simply, body shaming is the promotion (usually in the media but not always) of one particular body shape over another by saying that you can only really be happy, content and ‘a good gay’ if you are toned, slim, hairless and what is otherwise referred to as ‘body perfect’. If you speak to most experienced health professionals they will tell you there is no ‘perfect’ body shape but there are ideals based on your health, exact body makeup and metabolism. Everyone is different, with different capabilities, biologies, restrictions and environments to say a six pack is the best thing for every living soul is ludicrous.

    Can we ever be truly comfortable in our own skin?

    Therefore, if you are someone (a young teenager for example) that often gets their ‘injection’ of gay life from the media and all you are told is how wonderful the body beautiful people are you are going to naturally compare yourself to them and automatically feel bad that you are not one of them. That is basic human psychology that we all do in one form or another. If someone has something that I believe I want, I will compare it to what I have and judge the gap.

    Many of us spot this and have taught ourselves to either not accept that this is what we want or we have come to believe that a six pack is not the ideal body shape. Therefore, when we see these articles we just dismiss them. But if you are someone with strong body confidence issues to the point of body dysmorphia, these messages just add fuel to the fire.

    One gay magazine which I can’t really name, did a survey this year on body confidence and of those who responded 84% said that they felt under intense pressure to have a ‘perfect body’. There was a really good article by Nick Arnold from BBC3 on “How being a gay man can make your body issues worse”. I recommend reading!

    But is the ‘gay media’ solely to blame for it, or are we as a community also responsible? We’ve all done it, I will be one of the first people to go and buy a magazine if it has a half-naked Harry Judd on it. But that is just me adding fuel to the flame as that purchase adds to the value of what is traditionally called “sex sells”. Fact is we, currently, just don’t rush out to buy magazines that have articles on things that remind us of ourselves. Instead, we buy and promote these ‘dream boys’ and dribble over them.

    I’m not saying we need fewer images of Harry Judd (good heavens no) but what I am saying is that in order for people to find their body confidence we do need to expose ourselves to a wider range of body shapes and change our language from ‘happiness = six pack’ to ‘happiness = comfortable in your own skin’. I recently put a picture of my own body out on my twitter (against the wishes of my body confidence inner voice) in order to educate myself and others about this issue. I am not an ‘ideal body shape’ as mentioned above, I carry extra weight, things wobble that probably shouldn’t and the chest hair is currently in need of local council attention. But I did it, and I received some amazing feedback both positive, and indeed some negative.

    My advice to you if you are suffering from any form of body dysmorphia or lack of body confidence is to speak to someone about it and remember that the voice in your head is not the leading authority on everything. You can be wrong, so maybe the voice is wrong about this too.

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • Should the word “faggot” be removed from Fairytale of New York?

    Should the word “faggot” be removed from Fairytale of New York?

    And the bells are ringing out…

    Every year it becomes a talking point amongst some in the gay community, but are the lyrics to “Fairytale of New York” offensive? We asked our readers… It sparked a lively debate, to say the least.

    Most people who commented on our question, said no – and that they weren’t offended by the song. Here are some of our favourite comments to the question: “Should the lyric “faggot” be removed from Fairytale of New York?”

    No. People need to chill out before we have to remove half of the English dictionary as one person or another finds something offensive – Ben

    No, it’s attitudes that need to change not great Christmas songs, when did the idiots start running the asylum??? – Paul

    I’m sick of people getting offended over ridiculous things. If you offended by the lyrics to this song you need to have a serious word with yourself – Gary

    It should be changed. I also opt that the sky should be permanently replaced with a pink viscous gunge because that makes sense too – Dillion

    Anyone with a decent understanding of the English language knows that the word has two meanings: 1 A savoury dish made from pork and 2 A bundle of sticks or twigs, no I didn’t look it up! – Graham

    It was a phrase from the age. If we erase every offending word from songs, the world would be a very sanitised place. Somewhere I personally wouldn’t want to live. – Derek

    No, it shouldn’t. People need to stop being so touchy. If anything ita a reminder of how far equal rights have brought us. I love that line. – Angela

    I’m gay and not offended. As much as I’m glad attitudes towards a lot of things are changing it’s going to get to the stage where you can’t say anything in case of offending someone. – Robbie

    Why remove a word calling someone a spicy meatball?
    In seriousness though, a word is only as powerful as the meaning you give it. If you motion to get it removed, you’re part of the problem, because you are the one giving it negative connotations. We need to take words back, you’ll never change attitudes by doing things like this – it just alienates people and makes the words even more negative. Like telling a toddler not to say “fuck”. – Evelyn

    I think it should be removed. Just as every song or rap that uses the n-word should be removed. Also fuck, arsehole and every other swear word or slur.  Oh, we can’t do that because songs everywhere would lose meaning and expression? – Sam

    I don’t think so I don’t like the word but it’s re-writing history which is more offensive. It’s a song and reflects reality just as with any creative medium. People saying it’s past tense to be insulted by the word live in a different world. I live opposite a school and I don’t know which is worse the homophobia coming from the kids or the parents hanging about the gates. – Jamie

    I’m gay, and a dj…. and when I play it in a gay bar… I turn the sound off for that line and the WHOLE room sings it with glee at the top of their voices… point proved lol… so it’s not us moaning! – Matt

    Leave it alone! If you had to start erasing things that upset people half the 20th Century would have to go! It was a sign of the times and something for people to look back and learn from. – Andrew

    No. I still giggle hysterically when I hear the song played uncensored in shops at Christmas. It was a song of its time, we cannot rewrite or delete history. – Jamie

    • some comments were edited for clarity or grammar.

     

  • COLUMN | I had to choose: The Internet or The TV

    COLUMN | I had to choose: The Internet or The TV

    Preconditioning

    Around 4 years ago, in reduced financial circumstance, I was faced with making a decision. Television licence or Internet and telephone. I elected for the Internet.

    AlexAntropov86 / Pixabay

    Ditching the television meant I had gained a freedom. As an outsider of the accepted norm looking in, I gained an insight into the pointless and nonsensical world of some of the people I knew. Those whose lives are dominated by a list of commitments to television schedules or recording programs to watch later.

    The power of the ‘soap‘ is an incredible force and I don’t mean the one used to wash your hands and face. What an addiction. Do ‘soaps‘ have a responsibility for the failure of relationships and the malaise of people? In everyday life, we are not usually met in our communities by the same number of disasters, murders, intrigue, sexual deviants, aeroplane crashes into communities or de-railed trains as an opportunity to change the cast, the scenery or the location.

    Is it surprising people get bored with their everyday lives? The values not reflected in these shows to a greater extent seem to be those of honesty, integrity, common sense, and continuity of moral and social responsibility.

    Reality television creates people whose existence is carved out of being a celebrity by virtue of being on reality TV. A self-perpetuating career. The only other attributes I see regularly on news feeds and social media is an age between early 20s and mid-30s, some appeal to members of the same or opposite sex or both and a propensity for attracting tabloid attention.

    A proportionate amount of LGBT+ content and it being valid was missing when I ditched the TV. I have easily redressed the balance with access to the amount of LGBT+ relevant information I have had access to since.

    When I grew up there was only ever heterosexual TV content and only men and women kissed in a relationship context, promoted and only informing about heterosexuality.

    The law in the past had been very careful about the amount of LGBT+ content and times of it being broadcast. Was I abused by the state as child? When I grew up there was only ever heterosexual TV content and only men and women kissed in a relationship context, promoted and only informing about heterosexuality.

    Should I be starting a claim for compensation against the BBC, ITV or the state for disadvantaging and attempting to pre-condition me?

  • COMING OUT: Don’t feel you are the only one out there because you are not

    I find this quite easy now. I find it quite laughable really. December will be 25 years after the event I look back on as my coming of age and l look at it now with fondness. It would be another three years before I finally told someone.

    It hurts me when I read stories of young and old who just couldn’t accept who they are; their peers couldn’t accept who they are, families at war because of it, the reliance of substances or the tragic loss of life when it becomes too much. That is tragic and sad. No one wins.

    When I think back, my coming out story is quite dull. I was raised in a loving family. Your typical 2.4 family of father, mother and older sister. We had a cat. In actual fact, we inherited the cat. From the outside and inside we were just your average family. My parents worked, my sister and I were “latchkey kids” as they said in the 80s. Quite dull really except for a grandmother who smoked about 80 a day and would be ever so slightly inspirational to me as I got older. A tidy home is a happy home she once said. It’s true. Also, I was too busy with my cars to be into finding a girlfriend she once said. She probably knew my secret.

    From the moment I saw Lewis Collins in The Professionals something clicked and I then liked real men. That was around the age of five. Perhaps it was the screaming cock rocket that was his Ford Capri that did it for me. Or the Ladybird book where all the vehicles had faces on and the leatherman on the motorbike filled me with excitement. I wasn’t quite sure what it was, but there was something strange, and at that age, it didn’t seem odd at all.

    It wasn’t until one day in the summer of 1987 while walking across the field at school that I saw him. Danny. He’d left that year. I’d seen him around school. Highlighted hair (hardly masculine, give me a break though as this was 87!) and as far as I was concerned, a bad boy. He smoked. That weekend was the first time I masturbated. I honestly thought I was going to piss myself. I grabbed hold of my penis as hard as I could. I couldn’t leave my bedroom because my mother was outside on the landing hanging clothes on the dryer. I used the wastepaper basket.

    The masturbation continued for years. Bros came and went, Wet Wet Wet were hot until they grew their hair long and Curiosity Killed The Cat looked filthy. I loved thumbing through my sisters Just Seventeen magazine for visuals. Sorry.

    It all got a bit out of hand when I left school and started work. I was a naïve boy with big glasses and a greasy complexion. I’d managed a few experiences, but they would hardly go down in the annals of fun. This was pre-internet, and porn was reduced to old Razzle magazines full of lady bits so when I saw the penis of an older man I didn’t quite know what to do with it.

    I managed to reach 17. I’d passed my driving test and had some wheels. I was free to roam. I wouldn’t park the car in the nearest cruising ground. It was a bright blue Citroen Visa, and there wasn’t another around for miles.

    I crashed that car sevens months later. Bought another and then it all became too much. Knock knock. Who’s there? A breakdown and I don’t mean mechanical.

    It all came to a head.

    I needed help.

    Years of making new year’s resolutions NEVER to wank over a man again had got the better of me and the emotions, and inner torture exploded. Keeping this queer secret from all around me, my best mate, the new friends I made after school all and in work got the better of me. I turned to eating to control things.

    Being a gawky lanky teen, I managed to get my weight down to 7 stone. I know when I need to take back control because I turn to food. I remember breaking down in front of my doctor. I was in love with a friend. I hated work. I was dissolving in my own hatred for myself almost to the point of loathing my own existence. I didn’t really care anymore. If it wasn’t for being able to drive away for hours on end who knows what would happen.

    Music was a life saver. Karen Carpenter’s words always helped during my school years. At the time of it all going off for me, Right Said Fred’s “Up” and Erasure’s ‘Chorus’ album offered solace. One particular song from the Erasure album can still reduce me to tears. Music is amazing. If you find a song that means so much to you, own it. Enjoy it. One day it will be your guiding light. It will offer you laughter and sanctuary when you need it.

    So there I was, sobbing my heart out to my doctor. My family doctor who just sat there. He didn’t even offer me a tissue. This was the doctor who would also ram his finger up my rectum many years later when I had a fissure tear. I’m sure if it wasn’t a tear then, it was afterwards but that story is for another time perhaps.

    I had a referral to see a psychiatrist. Being the NHS, the referral time felt lengthy. The time came, and I had my first appointment. On that day my new car (another Citroen Visa for £350) had just lost all gears. It was December 23rd, 1992. I sat there talking to a man who seemed less interested in what I was saying and more concerned by everything around him including the magnolia painted walls.

    A few more appointments were had until I met with another psychiatrist. She listened to me, and at the end, she said seven words; “I really don’t know why you’re here!” You might think that harsh when I had struggled to come to terms with my homosexuality for the past six years but it really wasn’t. I needed to hear that. I walked out of the consultation room and never went back. I started to own it. I got me back. That Christmas morning while listening to Madonna’s Erotica album, I was under my new car putting a massive 17mm bolt back onto the gear linkage. The road to recovery was beginning. That turning point has never left me.

    It would be another three years before I told the first person and even then I told them I was bisexual. Laying across his parent’s dining room chairs, I came clean. But this didn’t alter our friendship. He just said “oh”. I soon realised that people were accepting. If they couldn’t then I could choose to leave them. And that’s what I did with some. I had become stronger in more ways than I now realised. I soon left the three groups of friends I had made during my growing up phase. At this time, however, I was not alone anymore. I had made gay friends and started to worship Kylie in her rightful place, the church of a nightclub.

    It was a slow process. Nine years in total. From that moment in the school field to coming out. Much had happened. Much I won’t divulge – never kiss and tell. That’s just tacky. But always remember that you are not alone. There are many of us out there. Just look at the classic car show at the NEC in November. The Gay Classic Car Club might have had a stand, but its members’ cars were darted around on other stands over five halls. We gays get about.

    There will always be those who won’t accept it, and you need to be strong and honest and leave them behind. There will come a time when you look back like I am now 25 years later and say, “I did good”. You might even find those you left behind make contact via social media platforms, and I guarantee you you’ll sit back and be relieved that you moved away from them. It was hard at first and filled with fears of isolation. I got over it though. I climbed that wall that turned out to be no higher than a low wall with a gated driveway in it. Ok so no wall was climbed, I just opened the gate and walked in.

    If I hadn’t taken control of it, it might have turned out differently. So don’t feel you are the only one out there because you are not. Get street smart, take control and own your destiny. It didn’t feel like it back in the 90s, but it sure does feel like I did that now.

    And now I am left with people who like me and more importantly, I really love them. They accept me for who I am, evil bitchy queen comments and all. Hindsight is a beautiful thing. If I had been given it back then and shown where I would be 25 years later would l have done anything differently? Not a chance. Well perhaps somethings I would tweak a bit and maybe not get involved with one or two people but those experience and situations make you who you are and you, yes you, are beautiful no matter what they say.

    In all this time there was one person who knew everything. I told my cat everything. Drying my eyes on his fur. He was my soulmate. And it’s to him, Ruffles, which I dedicate this heartfelt story too. The cat I told EVERYTHING too.

  • COLUMN | Homophobic banter is still prevalent at work, even in 2017

    In the last couple of weeks, I have given up my job. I have arthritis in my feet, ankles and knees – the condition has impacted on my ability to work for years.

    As a publican, I ran a rough pub. I was ‘out’ with my sexuality, and it was commonly accepted I could deal with troublemakers, having a smart mouth and if that failed, ‘a brick in my handbag mentality’ to wade in and split up fights. I was known for standing. I never sat when the premises was open, so no one saw the vulnerability of me not being able to stand again or the difficulty I had in walking after a short rest.

    Unfortunately, like so many other publicans I lost my premises because of the economy and the cultural changes brought about by social media, among other factors.

    I had a 6-month stint stacking shelves on the night shift in a supermarket until the knees gave in. I was never ‘out’ with anyone I worked with at the supermarket. It was a small group with a cross-section of ages.

    “The workplace banter was focused on sex and sexuality, the derogatory aspect of which were gay remarks”

    While working there I observed the cleaners. The GP had told me to stay active. The cleaners either pushed around or sat on cleaning machines. When shopping I always took a trolley, it concealed my disability and made the perfect walking aid.

    I applied for and got a job managing the cleaning in a supermarket. The machines are motorised, so both an aid to walking and effortless to use. The surface of a store is even underfoot and level; the best combination for me to walk on. It is underpaid and antisocial hours, sometimes with split shifts. Again I never disclosed my sexuality. In this setting it mattered less as I discovered in society, I was less than who I was and more of what I do. In six months of employment, some of the staff neither spoke to me or acknowledged my existence.

    The area manager responsible for maintaining the standard by auditing the cleaning routines was supportive of my health as was the person I worked with on most days. Even with their support, it became too much for me. I had a lot of absences.

    The commute to work was around 30 minutes in duration. I left my home at 4.30am six days per week. A couple of Thursdays ago I fell on the way to my car in the morning. Fortunately, I was between two vehicles and did not end up on the ground. Twisting my right knee on the way down caused it to swell and the arthritis in it to flare up.

    Now I find myself filling in forms and making applications for alternative work, where I will not have to stand so much. I feel I come with an amount of ‘baggage.’ I am disclosing the disability as it has an impact on what I can do and there is legislation in favour of employing someone with a disability.

    Sexuality – Now that’s a different question. I will never deny who I am, but that does not mean I have to pro-actively promote it either. On applications to large national companies and local authorities, I disclose my sexuality. They have policies in place and training about diversity. On applications to smaller employers, I don’t.

    I shouldn’t feel my sexuality is a barrier to getting a job, but I am a realist and know that is not the truth. I used to stand up for who I am, a sort of ‘I am who I am’ mindset, but lately I just seem to have lost my ‘homo mojo.’

  • What’s it like to have a doctor check your balls for lumps?

    Oh no; not a third bollock! I had found a lump!

    Nothing significant but it was a lump on my right testicle. I had woken one morning stretching, raking, scratching, checking and there it was. I did nothing, well not precisely nothing I kept checking every day to see if it would just go. It didn’t. After about a week I knew I should see a doctor just to be safe.

    Having recently moved into a new area I had yet to register with a surgery. I lived in an apartment in a large converted Victorian house, halfway up a hill. At the foot of the hill was the nearest clinic. Registering as a new patient seemed to be a good idea, so I filled in the form when I went to ask to see a doctor. There were no appointments, but I could sit and wait to see the duty doctor. I was told the duty doctor for today was the GP I had just registered for and I would be his first patient on his first day.

    It was the summer of 1992, a hot August day. I sat in the waiting room, worried about sweating in the heat and wondering if this was the best time to be here. How long would I have to wait? Long enough to be considered of dubious personal hygiene? I hoped not. I wanted to be cool and calm, but I just felt hot and sweaty.

    Surrounded by seniors, some with quiet dignity, an old lady with her head to one side. “Earache,” the old man accompanying her said sharply as he looked across at me. Oops had I been staring? Small children, some running around, others looking very sorry for themselves and clinging to their parents.

    “Tom Driver to Doctor F……..”, the loudspeaker announced. I followed the instructions the receptionist had given me and went up the stairs to the door on the left. I knocked and almost immediately heard back “Come in.”

    Deep breath and in through the door and shocked, absolutely stunned! Sitting in the chair, formally attired, smiling back at me was a young man who was the spitting image of England Rugby Union Captain Will Carling. “Tom isn’t it? Do take a seat.”

    Take a seat? I wanted to run out of the door. This man was wank fantasy material incarnate, and I was going to tell him I had a lump on my right bollock!

    Pleasantries over and I had made my disclosure, while mumbling, looking away and staring at the floor. “Well, we better have a look then. Stand up and drop your trousers and underwear.”

    Mentally I was in agony dreading what would happen if my cock reacted during the examination. In my head, I was watching the Salvation Army marching band and old ladies knitting while reciting “Bromide in the NAAFI tea keeps the cock at half-mast or lower.”

    In the time I had been having these thoughts and thinking of what excuse to offer should he excite me, the doctor had got on his knees in front of me. Oh My God, focus on the matter in hand, IN HAND, he has my balls in his hand fondling squeezing and checking. He reached to his desk and took from it with his right hand the instrument they use to look into mouths and ears (Otoscope). With his torch in his right hand and the lump exposed by his positioning of my testis with his left, he shone the light. I thought; ‘he really wants a good look’. Then he got up, and I heard him say “All done, pull them up.”

    I had to ask, “What were you doing?” He explained to me that he shone the light because cellular tissue is denser than fatty tissue. Having this knowledge and the fact the light shone into and through the lump indicated it was not cellular (potentially cancerous) and was most likely a polyp, a lump of fatty tissue the body would probably reabsorb over time. I was told to keep an eye on it and if it changed, itched or grew to come back. I thanked him and left.

    On the stairs, on the way down I stood back to let an elderly couple pass on their up. It was the old lady with the earache who was his next patient. I smiled, knowing where the instrument he would use to examine her had just been.

     

    If you are concerned about lumps on your testicles, you should make an appointment with your GP as soon as possible.

    THEGAYUK.com has teamed up with The Naked Rugby Players to help raise money and awareness for testicular cancer with the Balls To Cancer charity, through their Naked Rugby Calendar 2018. To buy a copy click here.

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • COLUMN | I got knocked down, but I got up again

    COLUMN | I got knocked down, but I got up again

    It is my birthday today. I am 55. I thought I would share with you why I have started to write.

    DariuszSankowski / Pixabay

    My dad died in the summer this year. He had been diagnosed with dementia in the early part of 2016. As a family, we first recognised the signs in December 2015. My sister and mother committed him to a care home in April of this year. His last connections to memory through his environment were taken away from him, and it accelerated his rate of decline. He died before the end of June.

    He had vascular dementia. The support received from the Alzheimers charity who help, inform and signpost carers and families coping with all forms of dementia was priceless. They gave us an indication of what to expect and even an optimistic prospect of the journey taking 6-8 years. They warned it would be difficult and was not the same for everyone.

    In a matter of around 18 months this illness called dementia ravaged my dad and robbed him of his vocabulary, then his speech, it took his dignity leaving him doubly incontinent, he lost his place in time, and in the end, he lost his life.

    I have led a very full life. It has been a cross between a roller coaster ride and a series of car crashes. In my current circumstance, I have nothing, having filed for bankruptcy in January 2014. I live in social housing and because of series of debilitating illnesses can only work part-time. In my life, I have been a very heavy social and private drinker. I would describe myself as a functioning alcoholic.

    There is damage to my short-term memory. I have had to put in place strategies to ensure, I switch off the cooker, lock the door and take the right medication at the appropriate time. The issue with my short-term memory is likely to have arisen because of years of alcohol consumption.

    My fear is that of losing my memory entirely. Currently, I am no more than the sum of its content. So I started to write about me, about my thoughts, beliefs and recently about my love of cooking. Initially, it was just going to be a file saved on my computer.

    I decided to share it all because I live a solitary life. In writing, and some of the stuff I write being published I no longer feel alone. In the last couple of months, writing has become more than a repository of who I am. It has developed into a passion and a pleasure. It is a new journey that is a positive in my life. I needed a hobby, and this has become a very welcome distraction, through which I have recalled and re-experienced aspects of who am and explored my connection to the world I live in.

  • COLUMN | Boys will be boys even when they are men

    From cave man drawings to the selfie…

    Since man was a cave dweller and drawing on walls he has had a fascination with his penis and images of it.

    It is a route to pleasure unknown in childhood and stirs new and exciting emotions and experiences. It can be a source of pride and proof of manhood. Hardly a surprise then that men take pics of their dicks!

    One of the current extensions of this is self-promotion, using the image as a tool to attract praise, attention, and get some action. There is a problem. Once an image is shared, it is no longer under the control of the person who took the pic. It can subsequently be shared among a peer group or wider audience if the owner is a person of celebrity or later becomes one.

    An image can become a monster if it is used to manipulate, exploit, or expose someone.

    The only safe dick pic to share is a head and shoulders shot one a man called Richard, ie Richard Madeley of Richard and Judy fame. Sharing his image shouldn’t get you into trouble.

    It is not only the male and not only men who take these pics. Whether teenagers take these pics of their volition or not the images can still be used against them and are inappropriate.

    Should mobile phone manufacturers include a software app that has image recognition to prevent inappropriate images being sent or received as part of a parental control package? Such an app could, for instance, send a copy of the image to a parents phone for approval prior to dispatch or prior to the intended user being able to open it.

    A campaign could be mounted by some of those who are in the public eye and have fallen from grace because of either something they shared before they were known or from a momentary lapse in judgement.

    Sad to say but, sometimes we need protecting from ourselves. I dread to think what I trouble I would have got into if these options were available to me when I was a teenager!

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • COMMENT | Gay Media… Do better

    COMMENT | Gay Media… Do better

    Gay Times never should’ve hired Josh Rivers…20 days.

    That’s how long Josh Rivers lasted as editor-in-chief of Gay Times, Britain’s oldest and arguably most prestigious gay men’s magazine. Yesterday, the magazine suspended him following a Buzzfeed article which exposed bigoted and offensive tweets Rivers sent between 2011 and 2015 in which he attacked just about every marginalised group you can imagine.

    “I’ve just seen a girl in the tightest white tank & lord help me if she’s not pregnant, she should be killed. #gross” reads one tweet. “I wonder if they cast that guy as the ‘The Jew’ because of that fucking ridiculously large honker of a nose,” he tweeted in 2011. “Look here, tranny. 1) you look like a crackhead 2) YOU’RE A TRANNY & 3) your wig doesn’t deserve a mention. Avert your eyes, honey,” he said in a transphobic post.

    These are just the tip of the iceberg. While he did apologise, it clearly wasn’t enough. Following a public backlash, Gay Times sacked Mr Rivers today, effective immediately.

    The saga of Josh Rivers begs a lot of questions. Previously Gay Times’ marketing manager, Mr Rivers was promoted to editor despite having no discernable journalistic experience. A Google search on Wednesday turned up a negligible web footprint for any journalist, let alone the editor of one of Britain’s premier lifestyle magazines.

    This was part of the magazine’s “reboot,” an attempt to diversify their staff, output, and appeal beyond white gay men. Mr Rivers, who is multi-racial, was to head this reboot and make the magazine more appealing and relevant to a wider audience.

    Obviously, that failed. Instead of finding a bright young writer or editor to take the magazine in this brave and laudable new direction, James Frost – the man who bought Gay Times back in March – hired a bigot with a Twitter history to rival Donald Trump’s in the breadth of communities he’s insulted.

    “To every single person who is hurt, offended, and disappointed: I’m sorry,” Mr Rivers said in a tweet on Wednesday. “The tweets are horrible. They are abhorrent. They are ugly. They are so hateful. These tweets from my past show a deep self-loathing that I’ve worked hard to overcome.”

    This apology did little to placate many in our community, including me. I tweeted at Mr Rivers that “I’m just curious what you’ve done that shows you’ve changed and repudiated these horrible views.” Mr Rivers never responded.

    He should have. I firmly believe people deserve second chances. We’ve all had messy politics before. People grow and change as they mature. I wouldn’t want some of my opinions as a 17-year-old to be held against me at 31.

    But here’s the crux of the issue. Mr Rivers wasn’t 17 when he sent these tweets. He’s my age, which means the bulk of his offensive tweets were sent when he was about 25. 2011 wasn’t 1911. He should have known better. That he didn’t shows, at best, a stunning lack of judgment and at worst a strain of hatred and bile that shouldn’t be tolerated in a locker room, let alone on Twitter and certainly not in the pages of a national magazine.

    The issue is further complicated by the fact that the only way we know Mr Rivers disavows his old tweets is by his most recent tweet. He’s gone radio silent since Buzzfeed published its piece, and as I said, he has little web presence to go on. It’s hard to judge his sincerity because we don’t have a body of work to read. He’s as green as they come, which really begs the question – why was he promoted to editor in the first place? How did Mr Frost and Gay Times not know about Mr Rivers’ past? Buzzfeed found these tweets with little more than an advanced Twitter search. It’s clear nobody did their due diligence before Mr Rivers took the helm.

    That’s beyond unfortunate, especially given the circumstances. Trying to diversify Gay Times – and gay media in general – is a noble goal, and many (including me) were excited that a Black and Minority Ethnic gay man was at the helm of one of our most notable publications. Gay media has for too long been dominated by fit young white men, and it’s high time that we include more voices more regularly.

    For their part, Gay Times sought today to assure readers that even though Mr Rivers has been sacked, the magazine plans to continue with its rebranding. In a statement, Gay Times promised that it “will relaunch on 30 November, with what is quite possibly the most significant overhaul in its 33-year history.” Articles by Mr Rivers will be removed, but the “new-look magazine will feature submissions and significant contributions from the far reaches of our wonderful and diverse LGBTQ community.”

    What this “overhaul” will look like is anyone’s guess, though. If the debacle of Mr Rivers’ hiring-and-firing shows us anything, it’s that this diversification of gay media is off to a rocky start and will be harder than perhaps initially thought. Without announcing an interim editor-in-chief, it’s unclear what the future holds for Gay Times.

    Hopefully the magazine will again be helmed by a BME editor, preferably one with journalistic experience who has been thoroughly vetted before being hired. But it’s also important that all gay media, not just Gay Times, continue to bring in diverse writers, photographers, editors, and staff.I’m interested to see how Gay Times (and gay media generally) proceeds after this.

    Whatever happens, though, we need to not let this set us back on our road to including move voices. Mr Rivers is one man who should never have been given the job he had, but he’s not the only gay BME writer. There are hundreds of talented young BME LGBT people ready to take his spot. Hopefully, Gay Times will hire one of them – preferably one who doesn’t have such a checkered past.

     

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.

  • COMMENT | Move the first brick and the wall of silence tumbles like a House of Cards

    Move the first brick from a wall of silence and it tumbles Like a House of Cards, like the world of Kevin Spacey must be doing right now.

    Anthony Rapp spoke out, feeling empowered following the allegations made against Harvey Weinstein. Rapp’s claims against Kevin Spacey may have unleashed the gay parallel.  Now young men are queuing up, to make disclosure of encounters of predatory behaviour and grooming.

    The Old Vic where Kevin Spacey was artistic director 2004-2015 has set up a confidential email address and is using external advisers.

    It seems the qualifying criteria of being a man under 30 could mean many may have been approached who have yet to come forward, though there is already a steady stream of allegation across 2 continents.

    Will this torrent stop at just Harvey Weinstein and Kevin Spacey or are there other actors and perhaps even female actors who are not sleeping too well at the moment waiting to be contacted by the press to rebut an allegation of predatory or abusive behaviour against them.

    In the UK, we have seen the fall from grace of many a celebrity following the Jimmy Saville allegations and subsequently operation Yew Tree. Is there a need for a similar in-depth investigation into the glitzy underbelly of the American movie world to protect child actors, to protect women, and to protect men?

    The boundaries of decency and morally appropriate behaviour seem to have been crossed. In a world where there is a blurring of the boundaries between fantasy, and reality and life plays out like a “soap opera” is it time for the law to take definitive action and draw the line?

    Opinions expressed in this article may not reflect those of THEGAYUK, its management or editorial teams. If you’d like to comment or write a comment, opinion or blog piece, please click here.