This week a reader asks what he should do about a straight mate who keeps coming on to him. We asked our community of writers what they thought.
My straight work mate keeps coming on to me… We’ve been hanging around lots and lots and he’s actually pretty cool with me being gay and is often flirty. He was one of the first people I came out to at work. We’ve worked together for over 5 years.
At first it was all in good jest and his flirting just made me laugh, but now it’s starting to actually turn me on and is making me question whether he’s gay or bi?
We’ve been spending more and more time together and we’re planning a lads’ weekend away, which we’ve done before – nothing happened, but I’m wondering whether I should make a move – or ask him whether he actually likes me. He has a girlfriend and she’s a good friend too.
I’m worried if I make a come on and goes wrong it’ll ruin our friendship…
What do you think?
S, Johnson, Wiltshire
Jordan Lohan, Hove
This could go hideously wrong. As attractive and hot an idea it is to get with the straight / not so straight boy, you have your friendship and his girlfriend’s heart hovering above the shitter. Enjoy the fact that he is comfortable enough with you, and his own sexuality to be flirty. Making a move or potentially having sex will complicate EVERYTHING, think of the atmosphere at work- you don’t need that- so don’t mess this up, buttercup. If your feelings are starting to go a little deeper than just fantasising, then you’re going have to suss out if you can actually manage a friendship with him without anyone getting hurt. I would suggest you perhaps opt out of this particular weekend away while you figure stuff out.
Stuart Bird, Surrey
You have answered your own question over his sexuality. You’ve been away before and nothing happened. It could be that he is just very comfortable with himself to be as comfortable with who you are. These men do exist. By coming onto him you push the boundaries of your friendship to another level. If he isn’t gay or bi then you risk a lot more than losing a friend. Work will be disrupted; your friendship will also be lost with the girlfriend.
Tell him you fancy him. Compliments are easier to wiggle out of than coming on. I was going to say go for the easy option and not go on the lads’ weekend and start pulling yourself away. Be prepared for a possible change in your relationship if you do confess. He may become guarded around you and the flirtations stop but it will put your mind at ease as to where you stand. However if he values you for who you are he will take it as a compliment, flirt more and make your life a comfortable hell of fun.
What makes this even harder though is that he won’t be the only straight man in the world you’ll fall in love with. One day you will cheat on your pretend boyfriend.
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Paul Nicholls-Whiteman, Brighton
I have by a simple few words in life. These have stood me in great stead and I found it useful.
If you don’t ask you don’t get.
Apply this to your ‘could he be bi and coming onto me’.
You also say he has a girlfriend and that they are your friends so if you just assume his sexuality you could lose big time.
By being upfront and honest with him you’ll still keep your friendship in tact.
The advice above has been given by our community of writers who have drawn from experiences in their own lives and is should not be considered as professional advice.
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The resident Agony Uncle for THEGAYUK.com with over seven years of counselling experience with the LGBT+ community.