Category: Just For Fun

The vilest Agony Aunt returns and this time a fan is deeply unhappy with the advice she gave, which resulted in him having to visit accident and emergency.

Dear Aunty,

Last month you told a guy to sit on as many objects as possible to get into the porn industry. This has to be the worst advice ever given. I’ve been sat in A&E because of a stupid experiment trying to insert something that shouldn’t go there, and I think telling people they should try this is wrong.

Pete, Location not supplied.

Dear Pete,

I had to respond as it’s not often I receive negative feedback for my words of wisdom. Quite clearly thrusting anything backstage is to be done with an air of reasonable judgment. After all, if you think shoving a cactus up your bum is a bad idea, then it probably is. Though you never specified what you managed to get stuck up there, I’m guessing it was something either, rather large, fragile or hot. So for those readers, like Pete here, who need a little leading

in life, here’s Aunty’s top list of what NOT to clap your Guppy mouth around.

1) Lightbulbs – This is not a bright idea.

2) Your own head – Unless using a snorkel.

3) Elton John’s piano –

This won’t get you fingered! Now stop being so idiotic and wasting our valuable NHS resources or mine.

This month Aunty’s bag contains a letter from a reader who wants to be pornstar, but doesn’t quite have the right tools.

Dear Aunty,

I want to be a pornstar but have been told that I don’t have the right sized cock. What do you think?

Perry, Cardiff

Dear Perry,

Thank you for the picture you sent me. It took a while to work out what it was at first but after a good magnifying glass over I realised it was your wilting John Thomas. The good thing about pornography is that no matter what you look like or what fantasies you have, there will bound to be a market somewhere for someone like you to fit in. Remember it’s not always about the size you’ve got it’s where you, well, I guess in your case rub it. As you sent the front view only I would assume you see yourself as more of a top figure, however, I would recommend if you want to get into the business, bend over and start sitting on as many people and objects you can find. That’s how I started. I ended up with such good grip down there I could build myself a flatpack Ikea table in just five minutes! I was an internet hit with AuntyAssembles.com

Aunts xxx

It seems there’s been a few issues with men and sex and porn recently. Personally, the only issue I have is I can’t get enough! But, it’s not all about me so let’s take a look at some of your problems because it’s all about you!

Dear Aunty,

My boyfriend is always watching porn and I think he may have a problem. I’ve seen him five times this month watching stuff on his phone and yet we haven’t had real sex for nearly two months. Should I tell him to go get help or tell him it’s me or the porn?

Larry, Birmingham

Larry dear,
Never tell a man it’s his pornography or you, as you’ll never win. Men and pornography go together like one night stands and crabs. Since the dawn of man they’ve been etching images of their manhoods, usually over-inflated I might add, to arouse the masses and share sordid stories. So once the internet was invented, for the sole purpose of sharing pornography, men old and young have been beating away at quicker speeds. The trick here is to embrace technology. Suggest making your own home movie with him being the star. Failing that strap an iPad to your back playing the latest ‘men-with-veg’ series and watch him jump right in there.

Aunts xx

Dear Aunty,

I’m a little on the large side and was wondering if you had any top tips for losing some weight before my beach holiday in a couple of weeks?

With love James.

Dear James,

Your letter first excited me when you said you were large and I was going to invite you to holiday with me. That was until I realised you were talking about your waistline! I’ve been fooled by that line before. Top tip: cake is not your friend. Neither is the lard you wrap it in before you deep fry it.

The 40 bottles of coke a day and the evening bag of wine, also a no-no. If you only have two weeks to shed the weight then slap on a Miranda Hart box set.

This always puts me off my food!

Aunty XX

Dear Aunty

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 6 months now and it’s just not working out for me anymore. How do I tell him I no longer want to be with him? I’ve not slept with anyone else but have been tempted. Help!

Kevin, Manchester

Dearest Kevin,

When I want someone to leave I usually stop paying them, however, I believe this may be a little different in your case. There are many ways you can get the message across to your ex-to-be.

Start with increasing your annoying habits. Break wind in bed, be late for everything, forget his birthday, bite a little harder during sex.

This gradual increase of uncomfortable living will soon have the bf saying enough’s enough and he’ll walk out by himself. Failing this try to get caught boning his best friend or dad, or hamster.

Aunty XX