We’ve all seen it, the slight confusion and trepidation on the face of a usually drunk or if not, slightly moronic straight person gearing up to ask a horrifically inappropriate question of us.

You brace yourself for the inevitable, trying to decide whether to answer seriously or to try and be funny. Here’s my handy tongue in cheek guide to tackling the minefield of the curious straight person.

1. “So how long have you been gay?”

Ahahahahaha. Oh wait, you’re serious? Last time I checked, since birth. How long have you been straight? I’m hoping you’re trying to ask, “how long I’ve been out”, otherwise you have my pity. Not the most educated question, but maybe there’s hope for you yet…Oh you have more questions…Oh joy.

2. “How can you not fancy women?”

Quite easily actually, in the exact same way you don’t fancy someone of the same sex, I don’t fancy someone of the opposite sex, and no that doesn’t mean I find women repulsive creatures who must be avoided at all times. I can appreciate a beautiful woman and yes I have woman crushes, but it doesn’t mean I am sexually attracted to them. I’m sure you can see when a guy is good looking, doesn’t mean you’re going to try and find out what underwear he has on.

3. “How do you get to be gay?”

Well I had to collect 50 tokens from the back of Cornflake boxes, fill in an application form, then wait 28 days for it to be processed. Followed by some tests to see if I can do hair, interior decorate and perform a musical number with backing dancers, but it boils down to the swimsuit competition. It’s quite the process really, and once you are a successful gay, you receive a prize of a Parker pen and a toaster.

 

4. “You don’t look gay?”

Don’t I? Damn I’m obviously not trying hard enough. Pass me some heels and glitter, they’ll revoke my gay card and take back that hard-earned toaster if I’m not careful. But honestly, not every lesbian is going to look like KD Lang, and not every gay man is going to look like Freddie Mercury. Everyone is an individual and has their own style…wow, like straight people…Hey why don’t you look like Taylor Swift?

5. “Which one’s the girl?”

Sigh. Really queen?

6. “What’s a twink/bear/cub/otter?”

Honey, if you’re not gay you don’t really need to know what any of those things are. But if you insist, a twink is usually a scrawny, hairless, under 25, little miss attitude boy, a bear is a massive hulk of a man with enough body hair to stuff a sofa, a cub is his dark apprentice, and an otter is a hairy twink…got it? Good. Can we move on?

7. “Doesn’t the sex hurt?”

If it’s a genuine question then I shall answer honestly and say the first time it does come a bit keen, if however it’s just someone being a nob, then my answer is “Have you ever asked your girlfriend that before you tried to stick it in her?” First off the question doesn’t need to be asked anyway, and why do you even need to know unless you’re intrigued to find out.

 

 

8. “Do you know so and so…He’s gay?”

Yes I do, I have the phone number of every gay person on the planet obviously. We all hang out at the annual gay convention and compare handbags and try to find the best way to take over the world with rainbows…No I don’t know him, and I don’t care to either, stop trying to set me up with your “but he’s so lovely” gay buddy

Advertisements
-Advert-

 

9. “Why do you have gay pride marches, we don’t have straight pride ones?”

You do, they are called football matches. But in all seriousness, if you have to ask that question, you’ve already answered it, you don’t need one. You’ve been allowed to get married since forever; you aren’t denied basic rights simply because of whom you are. Gay people have been fighting for so long to get what you have been given so easily.

10. “Isn’t that a gay bar? Am I allowed in if I’m straight?”

Seriously, you actually asked that? You may have to let that large bouncer over there fondle you to cover the entry fee, but after that you’re good to go. We don’t judge you on your dancing, much. Oh and don’t worry, I’m not going to try it on with you, don’t flatter yourself sweetheart. But be warned there’s going to be a lot of skinny jeans and deck shoes with no socks and enough hairspray vapour to class this place as a fire hazard.

11. “Can I join in?”

This is usually the realm of the straight man asking lesbians. For some reason, they seem to believe that all lesbians are deep down still attracted to men in some way. Now I’m not a lesbian expert, but I’m pretty sure they are only attracted to other women. Your dong is not going to change that, so please stop trying, it makes you look really desperate.

12. “But you love Miley Cyrus right?”

No I do not. I find her insipid and a little desperate for attention. Her music is terrible at best, and lacking in any kind of substance and I wish she’d stop sticking your tongue out and getting naked, it’s not big or clever…Yes I like Beyoncé, that’s not the point…sod off!!

 

-Advert-

13. “Will you come shopping with me?”

Why yes I love to spend my afternoons being dragged round clothes stores having to lie to your face about how that dress looks on you. I’ll only come shopping with you, IF I have to go myself and only if you buy literally nothing that takes longer than ten seconds to pick out. I have places to be and toasters to use.

 

 

by Andy Elliot-Griffth | @AndyEG1982