Some veggies can make for great and super cheap sex toys…
If you are using a piece of veg and you’re by yourself, it is most likely to be safe without using a condom, with a few provisos.
Make sure you wash that thing (let’s call it a vegtoy) good and proper. You don’t want to be putting whatever is on the skin of your vegtoy – like insecticides, bacteria from other people’s hands who have touched it first and well, general dirt from the ground that might be left on the veg.
Once you’ve washed it you’re good to go, after you check that there are no hard edges or pieces that likely to come off.
However, if you’re using it with another person – and you’re sharing the vegtoy, then you should, as with any insertable toy you use in anal play, use a condom. One, it helps protect you from sharing any infections the other person may have but, two, it also helps with keeping the toy clean from, well, let’s face it poop if you’re anally inserting.
Much bigger than you think
Just remember veggies are often much harder and bigger than you think. In all likelihood If you actually saw a penis the size of a Sainsbury’s organic cucumber, you might run from the room screaming, (although we do like a challenge).
So take it slow and use lube.
Another thing to consider is that as certain veg warms up (with your body warmth), a cucumber and definitely a banana will become a bit mushy. If it breaks apart you might have trouble retrieving parts from inside you. If this happens, don’t stress. Smaller parts will eventually come out if you let nature take its course.
A word of warning: Extreme caution must be used when inserting anything into your butt that doesn’t have a handle, a flared base or gives good grip. Many people have ended up in A&E after failing to retrieve a cucumber, banana or carrot lodged in their rectums. A painful experience that can actually lead to death if left untreated.
We would urge anyone who has gotten anything stuck up there to seek medical advice immediately, no matter how embarrassed you feel.
Most if not all dildos come with a flared base. If you’re looking for an inexpensive dildo, check out the range of dildos at THEGAYUK SHOP.
It’s best to use implements that are actually designed for insertion, such as dildos and vibrators.
If you are going to insert a carrot, gherkin, cucumber or banana, make sure you’re relaxed. Some of these veg can be much larger than a penis, so using lots of lube and taking your time is a must. Oh did I say use lots of lube… There are a few types, Waterbased, Silicone and even numbing.
Using food for sex
Using fruit and veg could be a great way to excite and reignite your sex life. Using soft fleshy, non-acidic fruit such as honeydew melons or watermelons can be an exciting way to get new sensations. Simply put a hole in it and thrusting in and out will provide interesting brand new feelings.
Alternatively, you can always use other foodstuffs such as chocolate spreads or even Marmite, who recently brought out body paint.
Oh did I say use lots of lube…
If you’re looking to insert food, why not try a lollipop or ice cubes, which will melt. Use the ones that you can make yourself with a plastic stick. Store-bought lollipops might have a wood stick, which could leave splinters inside you. Ouch!
The resident Agony Uncle for THEGAYUK.com with over seven years of counselling experience with the LGBT+ community.