THEGAYUK

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  • COMMENT | Returning to the Scene of the Crime; why Two-Night Stands aren’t a good idea.

    COMMENT | Returning to the Scene of the Crime; why Two-Night Stands aren’t a good idea.

    A one-night stand is supposed to be just that. One night. One night of half-decent sex with a guy who disappears into the night never to be seen again. I’ve never been a massive fan of the one-night stands; however, over the last couple of years, I’ve had a couple of outstanding ones where I’ve kind of wished it could happen again. You know; the kind of sex that you would rate at least an 8/10. On the flip side though, there’s been a couple which hasn’t been particularly exciting or rememberable. It’s actually these that you remember more; but they’re all for the wrong reasons.

    The first guy on paper was right up my street. Cocky, confident, good kisser and had Geordie accent. The foreplay was excellent; he knew just exactly how to get me going; that was until it came to the deed. I’m by no means a power-bottom, however, I know how to be a good bottom, but if you’ve got a top that doesn’t know what they’re doing, then you’re in a situation that will probably end badly. This guy has watched too much hardcore porn and just attempted to shove it in there. No lube. Just strapped up and went in there. Come on. If you’re going to do it, at least do it properly. Safe to say that it was extremely uncomfortable, and I made him stop until he had lubed up. If it’s going to be successful, then both muscles need to be lubed up properly. These millennial bulls. Young, dumb and well. Attempt number two was no better. I’ll give him credit; he knew how to get me going. That Geordie accent turned me on, and he made the sexiest faces. He even remembered a few of my kinks, which he was more than happy to do.

    The second guy, I don’t know really why I went there for a second time. The first one wasn’t all that great. He couldn’t keep it up, and he wanted to make it all about me. I’m not like that at all. I’m that self-conscious about myself I would rather spend the time pleasuring the other guy and making him feel good – I’m good at that. He didn’t kiss or do anything remotely resembling foreplay, and then to top he expected me to top him then. Oh, dear. This wasn’t thought through properly. Again, on paper, he was my type, but when push came to shove it just didn’t work.

    I usually don’t go back to the scene of the crime more than once, but I thought well maybe they might have changed. How wrong I was. They say a leopard never changes their spots and you really can’t polish a turd.

    Fuck me badly once, shame on you – fuck me badly twice then shame on me. As I said before, I guess I went into the second hook up with a thought that they might be different, and they might have stepped up their game. Oh, how very naïve of me. I often wonder why I went there again. Was it convenience?

    I’m not stupid. I know that not every guy that I meet is going to be a perfect match in the bedroom, and you’re going to meet guys who aren’t quite the right fit, and I’ve accepted that as par for the course. Maybe I’ve become so dependent on casual sex and the need to have some fulfilment; I’ll get anything that I can regardless of who it is. I used to frequent the saunas when they were open after a few drinks, and the horn is particularly strong. I’ve met some great guys in them and had some great times. I must be some kind of masochist to go back to the scene of the crime on more than one occasion.

    CREDIT: kirza-bigstock

    I didn’t used to be like that at all. Sex used to scare the shit out of me, and I guess it all stems back to my first time. Everyone can remember their first time, right? I certainly do. They say that your first time I always the worst – well you weren’t wrong there.

    I remember it like it was yesterday. It was a May bank holiday and I made sure he knew it was my first time and I just really wanted to experiment and see what happens. He was also a lot older than me – he was in his late 30s – maybe early 40s. I was as nervous as hell. What I didn’t know that he was hung like a horse – and there was a lot of girth. I mean a lot. It was like a wall of flesh. I remember going down on him, and I didn’t know what to do at all. I’d only seen someone give head from porn – and that was always so rough and so I kind of thought well that must be what you do – so that’s what I did. Yeah. That wasn’t what you’re supposed to do. Well, not at first anyway. I won’t go into the full details – but I think it’s safe to say it wasn’t a great experience. I remember thinking at the time – well if that’s sex, then I don’t want to ever go through that again!

    So, I didn’t for a long time after that; I didn’t have any form of sexual activity that is beyond making out with someone. Even at university, I didn’t have a lot of sex. When I moved to London in 2010, I thought this is the opportunity to have loads of sex and it just never happened for me. I used to go out clubbing on a weekend with friends, finding a cute guy on the dancefloor; maybe make out with them, but then I’d push them away and leave it there.

    I think that first experience impacted me. For some reason – I developed a fear of sex. 

    Maybe it was PTFD, Post Traumatic Fuck Disorder, but even then, I don’t think my first was all that traumatic. It was awkward and uncomfortable, yes, but traumatic – I don’t think so. Maybe I’d spent so much time watching porn whatever I did was going to be a let-down.

    As I’ve aged and become more confident sexually, I guess I’ve become more reliant on that being a part of my life. In my last column, I wrote about me trying to reinvent myself and part of the way I’ve decided to do that is by cutting out the casual sex. I’ve deleted all forms of dating and hook-ups apps from my phone and over the next few months as I get my life back into order, I’m going to avoid it. I’m not in the headspace for a relationship right now, and I’m certainly not in the place to be sleeping about. I’ve got to focus on me. Analysing it in my head, I’ve come to the realisation that I’ve got an issue with other men – putting them before myself. That’s not healthy, is it? I’m sure I’m not alone in all of this. Intimacy issues are common amongst many people – you’ve just got to work out what you want from it.  

    I need to take a break from other gay men. I’ve said this numerous times before, but I can’t seem to shake it from my head. Being gay is far from easy. You spend all that time as a young gay kid being bullied then when you finally come out of the closet and finally when you head on to the scene; it happens again. You get bullied by other gay men for being a specific type of gay. You’re too tall or too short. You’re too young or too old. You’re too skinny or too fat. You’re too hairy or too smooth. You’re also too fem to be a top, or too masc to be a bottom. All this is coming from a community who keep telling you to be yourself.

    Maybe we’re too hard on ourselves in general? We are all determined to have that romantic love story, but not all of them have to be trilogies. Sometimes a short story will suffice. We can’t spend our lives stuck in the past. The past is like an anchor that is holding us back; we’ve sometimes got to let that go to become who you will be because at the end of the day, the most exciting, the most challenging, and the most significant relationship that you will ever have is the one with yourself. Don’t waste too much time looking over past mistakes. I’m a firm believer that if you’re going to make a mistake in life. Don’t just do it once. Do it a few times, just to make sure you’ve learnt the lesson! By god, I’ve learnt those lessons now. Maybe our mistakes are what determines our fate? Because without them; what would shape our lives?

  • COMMENT | “Straight men are an enigma for gay men. We want what we can’t have, and we go through periods of having feelings for people we shouldn’t”

    COMMENT | “Straight men are an enigma for gay men. We want what we can’t have, and we go through periods of having feelings for people we shouldn’t”

    Falling in love with the wrong person can be a difficult and painful thing to experience. For members of our community, this can be even hard because unrequited love is always the worst. I know many of you out there will have been through this at least once in your life. I’ve been through it too, on more than one occasion. You could say that I’m a masochist. I put my heart through that much trauma I’m surprised I’ve not given myself a heart attack.

    The first one was very traumatic. It lasted for about four years, and ultimately it cost me a lot. I lost close friends. I lost my integrity, and it also took a real toll on my mental health. I’ve always been honest with you; this time, I’m going to be brutal. For some, this will be a difficult read, but I think for some of you, you’ll be able to relate and if this helps one person to understand that this is a normal part of life, then I’ve achieved what I wanted to when I started writing this.

    It seems to be a rite of passage for gay men to fall in love with straight men and there is undoubtedly a social stigma that comes with it, that should it ever become public knowledge, is difficult to shake. People don’t seem to grasp that you cannot help who you genuinely fall in love with, it’s not a choice you make, it’s a feeling you struggle with for months, sometimes even years and it sends you into a spiral that you have no control over. You’re made out to be a predator because it was always you that initiated everything. The other person hasn’t done anything wrong. You are a walking devil.

    When you are in the thick of it you think about that person every single day; there is not a day goes by where you feel your life could be so much different. A part of you in your head tells you to grow the fuck up and move on, put him out of your life, and deal with it. But it’s your heart that overrides that situation, hanging on every word they say. Over analysing a simple text message, seeing how many ways you can take it, has he dropped a hint that maybe he feels the same way about you? You drive yourself insane. It did me.

    It’s been a long, and difficult road to get over that guy. It’s not been easy. It’s difficult to watch people around you fawn all over them and boost their ego, while you are wanting to scream across the room, screaming inside because you what they’re doing is breaking your heart. Your heart races a thousand beats per minute. They just don’t see it, or do they? Are they thriving off the attention they’re receiving? Are they playing a sick game with you; that twists and turns your insides, and manipulates your head without you comprehending?

    The hardest part is covering. You do your best to hide in public when you’re around your friend, you laugh off the jokes that deep-down inside is tearing you apart. You watch them play their games, and you just want to scream stop. The worst thing about it is that people can’t see inside your heads. They can see this smooth and sometimes icy exterior. They don’t know your hurting inside. You try to tell your “close” friends about it, but they don’t seem to understand, they just see the blatant front they’re putting on. They don’t honestly believe that someone is capable of doing these things you’re telling them. You start to see these people in a different light. People become blindsided. They only believe what they want you to see.

    You try to block it out with new relationships, but in the end, you end up committing self-sabotage, because you know that deep down inside that this person is nothing compared to the guy you want but can’t have. You mess around and hurt perfectly lovely guys because they’re not him. You can’t shake what you feel for him, something else comes and smacks you round the face that proves you are still in fact madly in love with them; or at least you think you are.

    In the end, you don’t blame them for feeling that way. They don’t want you to change their opinions about them. You’re made to feel like an outsider. People who you thought were close, best friends even, you look at them differently. You don’t know how to deal with it. You want to run. Run far away as possible. When you’re in the grasp of an obsession, sometimes it’s the only possible escape. The strength comes from staying and fronting it out. When you’ve mastered this, then you can begin to say to yourself that you’ve got this. It’s at this point you can start to reclaim control.

    Looking back now, this was a period of my life when I desperate to be loved, and this went on for four years until I got truly over him. I’ve not had any interaction with him for about five years now. It’s times like these when I re-evaluate the past and my life. I start to think about how I’ve changed. If I saw this guy again, five years on, and being the more developed and mature person, I am now, what would I say to him? I guess I would say; ‘Cheers; I learned from that experience, and It’s made me a more resilient person’. I have come through this experience, and I’ve closed the door on this part of my life, and going forward in my life, it’s going to make me a more well-rounded person, and it’s going to impact my relationship with men.

    When the lines between friendship and romance become blurred, hearts and minds can be hurt.
    FILE PHOTO: When the lines between friendship and romance become blurred, hearts and minds can be hurt.
    Photo by Helena Lopes on Pexels.com

    Straight men are an enigma for gay men. We want what we can’t have, and we go through periods of having feelings for people we shouldn’t. These feelings aren’t just a one-time thing. They can come out of the left-field sometimes. About a year ago, I reconnected with an old friend that I’d not spoken to for a very long time, and certain feelings have started to resurface. There’s a certain sexual tension between this new guy and me, and we’ve made out on a couple of occasions when we’ve been drunk. It’s unrealistic for it to be anything more than this, and I know this. The rational part of my brain understands and accepts this, it’s the other side that sometimes has a louder voice. We have to learn not to listen to that side as much and focus on living in a present state of rationality. I think the more I’ve grown as a person, the stronger I’ve become, and I see things in a completely different light.

    I look back on this saga with mixed emotions. Hindsight is twenty-twenty. I look back with a sensible, level head that I’ve got now thinking “Wow, Al; you were an absolute IDIOT”. Why did I waste the best part of a year on a guy that was not even worth my time; get some self-worth and some self-respect? Why did I do it? I guess I could say I was young. Frontal lobes aren’t developed. I had zero self-esteem. Maybe a part of me didn’t see that I was worth more? Perhaps I was yearning from the attention and acceptance that I couldn’t see everything with clarity. I also look back and think; this guy really did a number on my head – but; in the long run, it probably did me a huge favour. It’s made me stronger.

    I now know what I am worth and what I want in a relationship and a romantic partner. I don’t want somebody who is going to give me the run-around, fuck with my head and always hurt me; and nobody should settle for this. We are worth more. So if you are in a similar situation to the one I’ve been in, then give yourself the time to heal and remember your worth, because you are ten times the person that he will ever be and remember; you will get over it, and you will be a much more resilient person for it.

  • COMMENT | Anyone quoting anything from the bible as fact, is someone we all should be very worried about

    COMMENT | Anyone quoting anything from the bible as fact, is someone we all should be very worried about

    LET’S start from the very beginning! Columnist Aled, from Justaled.com takes us back to the start

    Such a tragic musical reference and yet a modest cliché!

    Turning 30 something this year, really has opened my eyes to most things in my life, in particular my continual and monotonous reimagining that is my single life and the difficulties of dating other gay men in wales.

    This is probably just a situation that I’m personally experiencing due to me being naturally overly fussy and will eventual die a lonely old queen surrounded by Japanese pugs and French bulldogs.

    But isn’t being fussy ok?

    Why should I just date someone for the sake of dating?

    Why settle down with any Tom, Dick or Harry!

    Some have quoted, my mother to be more precise, that beggars cannot be choosers, I’m still not sure if this is an underhanded, and yet viperous comment designed by mother dearest as an indirect but equally direct insult?

    I’m in the early stages of my 30s and have, what can only be described as, a rather eclectic life, and I feel I’m forever seeking a new way or new platform to vent, especially when it comes to my tragic attempt to seeking a suitable life partner.

    I was a considerable a late bloomer when I decided to exit the closet, jump onto the vega bus and enter the fabulous world of all things homosexual.

    During my teens I became a recluse, living in my bedroom, away from my family, almost like a queer version of Harry Potter, forever holding onto my own wand, actually! Exactly like Harry Potter! I also have the scarred forehead to prove it.

    I went to school, came home, and if I wasn’t out with my straight mates! Lads lads! I would be locked away from the world, locking away the truth that was inside of me, a truth that I was not ready or wanting to release to the world.

    I come from a working-class background, with my family, being devout Labour supporters who had very strong views on such things as the traditional male and female roles, moderate racism and of course the dislike, or to be clearer, the ignorance and misunderstanding to homosexuality.

    These are people who lived during the 80s and the AIDS epidemic and not forgetting the horrific propaganda the media created. So naturally, they were under the illusion that all gay men had, or had the possibility spreading the disease through simple means such as touch or possibly a slight graze of the shoulder, thankfully we know we now know better, well I hope we do.

    My family home was like Piccadilly circus, people would come and go by the droves. My parents were and still are popular people in the village as well as my dad has his own business on site, and so we always had friends or customers in the house.

    In my early teens, I remember people conversing in the kitchen about gay men or gay men that they knew of at the time. Poofs, Fairies, Arse bandits were just a few of the terms I had heard being used to describe gay men as well as how dirty and filthy they were.

    “It was Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve,” a man in the house disclaimed.

    “It says in the bible, that man shall not lay with another man”, said a white-haired, white middle-class white pensioner.

    “Oh, he’s one of them” a very common saying, I still wonder what is one of them? What is a them?

    “Your arse is for shitting not for shoving things, like a cock up there, can you imagine having shit on you cock, sweet corn in your J**’s eye,” this was the comments from probably one of the most disgusting human beings I’ve ever met.

    Hopefully, from these wonderfully toxic quotes, you will understand why it became rather difficult to come out in my household.

    A place where I should have felt safe in coming out yet surrounded by some of the most homophobic humans on the planet.

    I must at this stage mention, that these comments were made mostly by the visitors and not of my parents, however, they cannot deny using the terms poof or fairy! To this very day, the word fairy offends me and I will attack you if used… You’ve been warned.

    From my understanding, anyone quoting anything from the bible as fact is someone, we all should be very worried about.

    Quoting passages from the Bible as fact is the equivalent of me going around quoting a chapter from Harry Potter, however I’m pretty sure Harry Potter is by far more factual than the Bible but that’s just my opinion.

    If there were, say a Steve living in the Garden of Eden then maybe Adam could have stayed with him when Eve ate the forbidden fruit. And anyway, if you truly read the Bible, then you would know how much God actually dislikes women, forever portraying them as people who are not to be trusted, devious whores and of course prostitutes.

    I digress, my disagreements with the Bible is an on-going battle, mainly between myself and my mother, the devout Christian.

    For years, people and when I say people I mainly mean the straights, have disagreed with the way the LGBTQ+ community have lived their lives.

    Their dislike and hatred of our community has always fathomed me,

    Why the hate?

    How is the love between same sex couples having an effect on their lives?

    I believe this is the million-pound question which I don’t think, well not in my lifetime, we will ever come to terms with, but I mainly blame ridiculous religious notions and of course those who take the word of God as factual, blabbing about a mystical man in the sky who impregnates a young girl from a far. But like I said, I digress!

    I repressed my sexuality from my teens to my early 20s until one day, one intoxicated and moderately medicated trip to Amsterdam, resulted in a tragically poor attempt to end my life.

    As you see, before your very own eyes, I live, I breathe and of course I’m fabulous.

    In the long run, the attempt was differed by my is who I eventually came out to as being “bisexual”, foolishly what I thought at the time was the first stage of acceptance for a closeted and repressed homosexual, however these were baby steps, for me and of course my family, however mother and father were still yet to find out.

    Don’t forget to check out my latest blog post on justled.com, updated weekly.

  • COMMENT | Taking back the word Queer as an identity

    COMMENT | Taking back the word Queer as an identity

    If you look up the word “Queer” in the dictionary you find two separate explanations for it. The first is the original meaning of the word which is; strange; odd. Then there is the other explanation for it. It’s the other explanation that terrifies many LGBT people. Reclamation is messy. The word Queer holds so much power, in both its pain and its empowerment.

    I remember the first time I was called a queer across the playground at school by somebody who I didn’t particularly like. I still feel the sting in the words. For many, it is a word with so many negative connotations that bring back so many feelings of pain, resentment and hurt, and until very recently it did the same for me. Until I made a conscious decision to embrace it as a positive and a term of endearment.

    To reclaim the word and use it positively and inclusively, you have to accept and recognise the complications of the word. We have to accept that those taunts in the playground or the office happened, and we have to within ourselves accept that this is a word that is going to be around us for a long time. The moment we accept that it gives us the power to reclaim it. Queer is a word we should use with both respect and love

    Gender identity has been a massive talking point over the last few years, with people becoming more confident about living their lives their way and not giving any fucks. I’ve never been a fan of labelling oneself and putting myself in a box regarding the way I look and the way I act. I have always been a flamboyant person, pretty camp and very unique in my fashion taste. I like to bend the rules a little bit. What’s wrong with that? Nothing – it’s an expression, and it’s an extension of who I am. Queer seems to me like a more fluid term that matches the way I view my identity and my persona – which isn’t always a rigid thing.

    “For some, the word queer is just too painful to reclaim. It’s been used to defame and hurt so many times, that it’s hard for people to embrace.”

    It’s important to understand, that it’s not for everybody. For some, the word queer is just too painful to reclaim. It’s been used to defame and hurt so many times, that it’s hard for people to embrace. For a long time, I was very much like that. The number of times that I’ve had that term hurled at me in the street, or seen it used to describe who I was as a lesser human being. It’s about the way we use the word. Embracing the word Queer into the LGBTQ community encompasses a more diverse range of identities and experiences. It allows those who don’t wish to label themselves to feel a part of this family.

    To me, the definition of Queer is now; “describes sexual orientations and gender identities that are not exclusively heterosexual or cisgender”. What is not appropriate, is to still use the word as a slur.

    The gay community has this thing about labels. It’s almost a necessity to put yourself in a box. Whether you’re a top or bottom, a twink, otter, daddy, masc or femme. Labels have become synonymous within the gay community, but what is the difference between identities and labels? Simple; identities are about unique qualities of an individual – which is used to set themselves apart from others whereas labels are often more rigid and defined by stereotypes and expectations.

    [totalpoll id=”120589″]

    Remember, Queer is a label that is adopted by some and rejected by others, and it will probably stay that way, but we need to be more receptive how people wish to identify themselves. I think the younger generation are more tuned to that. I guess I’m in that funny demographic where for some its fine, and for others, it’s a word to be avoided as it still poses problems to some members of our community. It’s icky. I asked a few friends about what they thought about it and a lot of them were very against it because for them it’s so ingrained in them as a slur and it invokes so many unwanted and upsetting feelings.

    It’s also important to remember that some people feel, and I can understand, that queer is going to be a get out of jail card for ignorance if you don’t know somebody’s identity. Ask questions, but never assume. I would rather somebody took the time to ask questions and try to gain some form of understanding, rather than just put me in a box and leave it there. I’ve had the experience of this first-hand over the last couple of years. Outside of the column, and to pay the bills, I work in a very heterosexual industry, and I’m pretty sure for some of them I was one of the first openly gay people that they have met. I’ve had conversations with them, and they’ve taken time to ask questions and understand what makes me tick, and it was appreciated, because not only did they want to understand me, they wanted to expand their understanding. It’s encouraging to see this happen.

    If we are to truly reclaim the word, then we have to start with education. I’ve talked a lot about this in recent columns, but I think it’s essential. Education is the starting and the basis for true equality. If the use of the word queer as a derogatory term is condemned at an early age, and education encourages the use of the word more positively and inclusively then we are halfway there. As the older, more conservative generation dies out and is replaced by a more liberal demographic then we can improve the lives of queer people. There’s always going to be small-minded bigots in the world, and we have to accept that – we cannot change everyone’s minds.

    [totalpoll id=”120591″]

    I think that what I’m trying to say is that we have the freedom and the right to choose how we want to live our lives at the end of the day. If we want to identify as queer or as gay that’s up to us, or whether we wanted to identify as a toaster oven – we have the right to choose, and you have the right to be accepted as that. If I’m completely honest, I guess I’m coming around to the idea of using queer as a way to describe me. I’m not one hundred per cent there yet. But the more I discover parts of myself, then the more of me I understand. The change comes from within, you might not ever feel comfortable reclaiming queer and it’s fine but think about it for a while and you might just change your mind.

  • COMMENT | Here’s why I write a blog

    COMMENT | Here’s why I write a blog

    Justaled.com – Blogging, a millennial therapy!

    Like most of us in life, we all either want to be some sort of writer or have that the urge to release our inner novel to the words and become the next George R.R Martin.

    I was, I must admit, about to suggest, JK Rowling, as my example author, however, as a member of the fabulous LGBTQ community I struggle to accept her idiotic and ridiculous views and notions on the trans community, even though I was and at somewhat, still am a big fan of the Harry Potter series.

    I am not trans myself, however, I fully believe and support my trans brothers and sisters.

    We are who we are, we can be whoever we want to be and we should not need to justify ourselves to those narrow-minded individuals in this world. However, this is easier said and done. But I digress from my initial post.

    I’ve been writing on and off for a few years. I find it’s a great form of self-therapy for me.

    Writing gives me a platform to express myself and to release that internal monologue from inside my mind.

    Since lockdown, I’ve created my blog called, Justaled.com, with the main aim to publish my life and life experiences to the world.

    The blog is designed to be open and honest about the situations that I have personally faced as a single, gay man living in a small village in Wales.

    At this stage, you’re probably wondering, this isn’t very exciting, this is a very standard issue for any gay man in Wales and we have all probably shared the same experiences throughout our lives, but then again, have we?

    The blog started initially as a private journal but having been a performer and working in the Arts, it soon began to slowly transform into a draft idea for a potential one-man play, but still, it was missing something.

    The more I wrote; the realisation became more and more clearer to me.

    I am constantly writing, but nobody is reading my work! and the reason nobody is reading my work is quite simple, my writing doesn’t go anywhere, apart from the inner depths of my hard drive.

    That’s when I thought, during the lockdown, why not publish my story online, in a platform that I can control, and that’s when Justaled.com was born.

    Writing gives me a voice and a platform to express myself.

    ​For those who know me personally, will say that, I am very open, honest and quite frankly a loud mouth sociality, But, when it comes to things such as life experiences, mental health status and matters of the heart I can and have the tendency to bottle these things up.

    I truly have the tendency, like most men, unfortunately, bottle up and keep my issues and feelings to myself until my issues and feelings bottleneck.

    And like a well shook bottle of champagne, my issues and feelings eventually, and of course dramatically, uncontrollably erupt.

    I’m 33, and I have already experienced two nervous breakdowns in my life, one of which I’ve recently blogged about and the other due to bullying in the workplace, another post I’m considering writing.

    I will add at this stage that bullying in any capacity is WRONG and should not be tolerated or ignored, especially in the workplace.

    I idolised the film, The Devil Wears Prada, until one day I worked for a woman who
    embodied the character, Maranda Priestley.

    I want you to imagine Maranda Priestly, assuming you’ve watched the film, but now imagine her 10 times worse, a walking and talking force of negativity, designed to crush and belittle anyone that stood in her way.

    To this day I cannot watch the Devil Wears Prada, and I have promised myself I will NEVER be put in that situation ever again!

    With life and age, I’m constantly learning from my mistakes hence the writing, or to be more precise the blogging of my past and current life events. I truly find it’s a great platform to vent.

    To be quite frank, blogging is a great form of therapy! Plus, it’s cheaper than going to the Shrink!

    Not only is writing a great way to express our emotions and feelings via words but it’s also a great way to be creative and let our mind and imaginations run wild.

    A great friend of mine once told me to start writing, but write about what you truly know the best, and fortunately for me, what I know best is in fact, me!

    I know me, I truly understand me. I think a lot more of us, from time to time need to take the time to focus on ourselves.

    It’s not selfish, it’s not vain but we truly need some ‘me time’. Time to properly reflect on what we need. If someone says its selfish and vain then pfff ignore them, unfriend them or whatever, you seriously don’t need them or their negativity in your life.

    So… to recap from my standard form of ranting, this guest blog post, from yours truly sums up the following:

    ​Get writing, be more open and honest about yourself and your issues, there is nothing to be ashamed about.

    Blogging is a great form of self-evaluating if not a great form of venting. Speaking directly to the gentlemen reading this post, gents its OK not to be OK, just let it out, talk about your issues and feeling, and if you can’t talk, then write them down.

    Nobody needs to see your internal monologue, because quite frankly that’s what a blog is, but then again sharing can equally be rewarding.

    As they say, sharing is caring and your words could be the answers to the questions of another seeking guidance.

    Get blogging!

    Aled xx

  • COMMENT | We need to talk about Chechnya

    COMMENT | We need to talk about Chechnya

    Two terrified boys are forced out of a parked car by members of a gang who taunt them with the question: “Were you kissing?”. A young lesbian is dragged from a car on a road in the middle of the night, a paving stone is dropped on her head. A captured man is heard screaming for them to stop as he is raped. These are just some of the disgusting “trophy videos” which have come out of the Russian province of Chechnya over the last few years made by people who hunt down and terrorise members of the LGBT community.

    We need to talk about Chechnya.  

    These harrowing videos were broadcast recently on BBC Four as part of the documentary “Welcome to Chechnya: The Gay Purge”.

    The first reports of a supposed Gay-Purge in Chechnya surfaced in April 2017, when a Russian opposition newspaper ran a story which reported that since February of that year, over 100 men had been detained, tortured and at least three had died, having been arrested by the Chechnyan Police. The plight of the LGBT people of Chechnya has long been a cause for concern among human rights organisations. Chechnya is a traditionally conservative Islamic society where homophobia is rife, and homosexuality is a taboo subject. It has become more increasingly conservative under the leadership of President Akhmad Kadyrov and his son, the current leader, Ramzan Kadyrov. As the leader of the Chechnyan republic, Russian President Vladimir Putin has empowered local leaders to impose their identification of Muslim values, which Kadyrov has done – to the extreme. It was reported that Kadyrov wanted the LGBT community to be eliminated by May 26th, 2017.

    It’s been reported the police have used entrapment schemes to lure their victims into their traps. Luring them on a date using popular dating apps; beaten and humiliated. They then produce a recording and use this to blackmail money in return for silence. Those arrested have been put through a horrific ordeal. Witnesses have described them as being beaten, tortured by electricity, mocked, insulted and even raped – all to make them reveal the names and locations of other gay people that they know.

    In August 2017, Russian Pop-Singer Zelim Bakaev travelled to Grozny in Chechnya to attend his sister’s wedding. He was reportedly arrested by the Special Rapid Deployment. It’s been widely reported that Bakaev was gay, and this was the reason for his arrest. A video was released in September 2017 supposedly with Bakaev reporting that he was in Germany, but it was apparent that this had been staged. In October 2017, it was reported that Bakaev had died as the result of torture by the Chechnyan police.

    Zelim Bakaev has now been missing for two years and ten months.

    Rescue missions are undertaken by brave activists to get people out of Russia. The Rainbow Railroad is one of the main international organisations that have helped people escape. Working with the Russian LGBT Network to find safe houses and fund their evacuation.

    Homosexuality has always been an issue in Russia. It has been criminalised and decriminalised many times during the state’s history. In 2013, Russia introduced it’s very own Section 28, officially banning propaganda for non-traditional sexual relationships. This law has been openly discriminatory towards the LGBT community and has been seen as one of the reasons why the Kremlin has not been quick enough to respond about the persecution of people in Chechnya. Moscow has openly said they have no reliable information about any problems in the area. A flat-out denial, and a flat-out lie. They hadn’t seen the images that had surfaced on social media.  

    International condemnation was not instant. It took until March 2019 for several countries at the 40thsession of the Human Rights Council, issued a joint statement calling for a “swift, thorough and impartial investigation to the alleged persecution” and accountability for those people. This statement was signed by the United Kingdom, but unsurprisingly not by the United States, who refused to sign on to the statement. From Trump’s administration, would we expect anything less?

    Many celebrities and LGBT activists such as Troye Sivan and Ellen DeGeneres also voiced their condemnation. Germany, Lithuania, The Netherlands and Canada have already offered Asylum to over 150 people. I cannot find any record for the United Kingdom. 

    We need to talk more about Chechnya.

    I’ve said before that the fight for equality still goes on and unfortunately the persecution of our community still goes on. They are being persecuted for being themselves. It’s hard for people living in more liberal societies to get their head around some of the things that are going on in Chechnya. However, thanks to Nationalism and religious fundamentalism, members of our community are continuing to be made scapegoats. As one of the attackers in one of the videos which have surfaced tells the poor scared kid; “All our problems are because of people like you”.

    Not since Hitler, have we seen such top-down oppression and attempt to eradicate a community.

    In a more liberal society, like the UK, many of us haven’t faced persecution like this. For most of us, we live a more privileged life where we can love who we want and be who we want. In Chechnya, openly loving who you want to love can get you killed. Not since Hitler, have we seen such top-down oppression and attempt to eradicate a community.

    We cannot sit back and let this happen, we must stand together with our fellow brothers and sisters. In parts of Europe, politics and society is moving further towards the right, and that is dangerous for our community. We are seen as non-traditionalists – a problem that needs a solution. We are seeing open oppression not only in other parts of Russia, but we are also seeing it in Poland. Certain areas of Poland have declared themselves as LGBT Ideology-Free Zone which effectively signals exclusion for members of the community. It’s not enough for us to sit back and say that “this is what Russia has always been like, we can’t change that”. We may not be able to, but we have a voice as a community to help our leaders see that this is also not right and fight for the cause on the world stage. By doing this we are in effect becoming complicit with those that are targeting us. We need to talk about it more. If we rest on our laurels and fail to respond to the call for action, then we risk rolling back the rights that we have worked so hard to get, and in doing that, we are letting those down who want their freedom. If you do anything this weekend, spend five minutes researching what is going on – because once you do, you will not be able to forget it so easily. ?️‍?

  • Navigating the New Normal, and how the Lockdown has given us the opportunity to break the chain in HIV transmissions

    Navigating the New Normal, and how the Lockdown has given us the opportunity to break the chain in HIV transmissions

    As the end in sight for the great lockdown of 2020, it’s an anxious and nervous time for everybody. We have to figure out safe ways of coming out of our cocoons and start to navigate this new normal that we face ourselves with.

    The so-called “new normal”. Urgh. This phrase has haunted me for the last 15 weeks; I don’t want a new normal – I want the old normal back with the life I had pre-COVID. I want to go back to a nightclub and get hot and sweaty with a crowd of people that I don’t know. Be that anonymous person that I once was.

    Whereas for most of us key workers, we have continued to work throughout the pandemic, we have had the luxury of the of being able to work from home. For me, this means that my bedroom has been turned into a make-shift office. Not an ideal situation for anybody is it?

    Rest bite has arrived this week, however, as I was lucky enough be allowed to move back into the office to continue working from there. I was quite anxious about it all. I hadn’t been anywhere in the last fifteen weeks, so the thought of social interaction was also quite daunting. Two days in, however, and it feels as if normality has been restored in certain ways. Back into the daily commute, albeit with a face covering, and the same old office banter that previously prevailed. Getting up at 6.30 am for the first time in 15 weeks was a real struggle and having to physically dress to something more than a pair of comfy joggers and actually doing my hair to a reasonably presentable state to leave the house. It certainly made me feel a lot better for doing all these things and getting myself back out in the world. The first couple of days has given me a bit of a confidence boost that I need to start getting my life back to some normality; or in-fact this new normal!

    The one thing that I have missed during this lockdown is intimacy. Being the lonely singleton that I am, a weekend isn’t complete without a drunken Grindr hook-up at some ungodly hour. I’ve been scared to do that during the lockdown, and I have made a conscious effort to avoid it. I’m now at a place where I am ready to maybe try something. Dip my toe back in, so to speak.

    During the lockdown, I have had a few conversations with friends about their forays into sexual interaction throughout the pandemic and nearly everybody that I had spoken to had abstained. This got my thinking into whether the lockdown is going to provide the best opportunity to break the chain of infection of HIV within the community.

    The Terrance Higgins Trust and Sexual Health Clinic 56 Dean Street uncovered research that 84% of people were abstaining from sex outside of their immediate household because of the COVID-19 lockdown. The same research also shows that whilst eight in ten people are going to forgo meeting for sex, nearly one in five (19%) said they wouldn’t continue or were not sure as lockdown enters its third month. This survey of over 800 UK adults also found that prior to lockdown; “almost half (42%) would have one sexual partner a month, while a third (35%) would have between two and five partners and 8% usually have more than five partners in that period”.

    Ian Green, Chief Executive of Terrence Higgins Trust, said: ‘This is an incredible opportunity to break the chain on HIV infection and help move us further forward in achieving our goal of ending HIV transmissions in the UK within the next decade. National HIV Testing Week is every November, but we need to act now because this chance won’t wait and won’t come around again.

    ‘It’s estimated that around 7,500 people in the UK are living with undiagnosed HIV, which is bad for their health and means they may unwittingly pass it on. If everyone is able to use their time in lockdown to get tested and know their HIV status, we can ensure something really good comes out of the devastation of the COVID-19 crisis.’

    I reached out to Greg Owen, PrEP Activist and co-founder of the iwantPREPnow website, and he explained; “I think it’s clear from this small data set and from what we know about human nature to establish that this hiatus in sexual activity across our community is just that, a temporary measure. It cannot be sustained, nor should it be. Sex, intimacy, connection and pleasure are basic human needs for most people and I’d like to think we will gradually return to enjoying those things and celebrating them again once restrictions are eased further.

    “Of course, not everyone has managed to adhere to the lockdown instructions, and we need to be mindful of those people too. It’s important we don’t feed into a culture of finger-wagging and shaming. That type of approach has never worked and will never work. We learned that only too well in the darker days of the HIV/AIDS crisis. Instead, we need to encourage people to be honest. Safe in the knowledge that they will not be judged and offer them the support, advice and services they require.

    “It will be some time before we have solid and robust data on what impact the COVID-19 lockdown has had on HIV rates. What we can say is lockdown has provided people with the time and opportunity to test. Not just for HIV but for all other STIs too. It has prompted Terrence Higgins Trust and community organisations and service providers to increase the capacity for home testing, which is a great thing.

    “We might see a spike in STI diagnoses in the coming weeks”

    On the subject of testing and diagnosis, Greg went on to explain; “We might see a spike in STI diagnoses in the coming weeks as clinics begin to re-open and more people step forward to test. We might also see that drop-off and fall as those who haven’t had sex in lockdown start to attend their regular check-ups and return negative results.

    “We’ve made a commitment to end new HIV transmission in this country by 2030. We are well on the way to doing that. We have everything we need to make this a reality. The four cornerstones of this will be regular testing. Treatment for anyone who is diagnosed with HIV, supporting them to become undetectable, which mean they can’t pass on HIV, condoms and finally, making PrEP free and easily accessible to all who need it. This all begins with education. There are exciting times ahead. COVID-19 will pass and we will begin the process of reconnecting.”

    As a community which has been ravaged by the stigma of HIV, this statement is a welcome sign that we are well on our way to ending new HIV transmissions across the country. The COVID-19 lockdown has proven a great time for us to do so. I’m looking forward to seeing the data that comes from it in due course. This lockdown has provided us with a golden and rare opportunity to break the chain in this disease which has had a profound effect on so many of us.

    One thing that the Greg told me, that stuck with me is that we must move away from the culture of blame, finger waging and shaming people for their choices. Gay men especially are often quick to pass judgement. I’ve said this before in previous columns, we need to make a conscious effort to be nicer to others within our community. We are not a pack of bullies. We are an inclusive and friendly community who takes everybody under our wing and looks out for one another. As we come back from the intermission, let’s make that change to be nicer to each other.

    This weekend sees further restrictions of the lockdown here in England. From July 4th, the hospitality industry will re-open and we can finally go for a well-deserved pint. I’m not here to lecture about what you should and shouldn’t do but be mindful that this is an anxious and nervous time for everybody. I am heading down to one of my favourite bars in Leeds on Saturday to see how the new normal presents itself and experience it. I enjoy a bottle of wine as much as everybody else, but I’m nervous too. I want to get my life back to as close to normal as possible.

    We’ve come so far within this pandemic, but still, there is a long way to go. Be safe. Be sensible. Look after yourself and most importantly, look after each other!

  • COMMENT | Why Gay Loneliness and Body Dysmorphia may be epidemics we may never find a cure for

    COMMENT | Why Gay Loneliness and Body Dysmorphia may be epidemics we may never find a cure for

    I’m not sure what I’m trying to achieve by writing this column tonight, but I opened up my MacBook to try to get some feelings that I’ve had for a while on paper whilst they’re swirling around my head. From the start of my writing this column to you guys, I said from the start I wanted to be honest with you. This may be seen by some as being too honest, and to be fair if your reading this – you are very lucky. I’ll probably toy with the decision to post this about a dozen times.

    I’m going to start by linking this to an article from the Huffington Post that I recently re-read about Gay Loneliness. When I read it back in 2017, it had a really profound effect on me. It was like looking into a mirror. The fear of rejection constantly rules my life; I’ve become a people pleaser, and everything that I do is to please other people. I crave acceptance from people, and I think it’s made me incredibly needy. Gay men are primed to expect rejection – it’s almost as if we are constantly analysing social situations for ways that we might not fit into them. Does the rejection we faced in our younger selves intensify and grow even more as we grow up and develop into adulthood?

    Let’s be completely honest, it’s difficult being a gay man, but we make it even harder for ourselves! Will that ever change?

    This was a Sunday night when I reread that article for the first time in 2017, and I started to think and analyse in my head why I had such a strong emotional response to it. I came to the conclusion that I actually hate myself.

    I know the word hate is a very strong word, but at this time, I lack the use of any other word to describe how I feel right now.

    I’ve never really felt happy with the way I’ve looked. I know that being the size I am is putting me at a disadvantage within the gay community. As gay men, we are obsessed with the way we look, and how we present ourselves to the wider community. Most young gay men’s introduction to sex and relationships is from gay porn. All the models and stars of gay porn are toned, with a great six-pack, we see them going at it like rabbits – for young impressionable people, that is what they see as the norm, so they then feel like they have to have that. They have to have the perfect body, and the perfect sex lives.

    I do work out as much as a can. The lockdown has been really hard for me. Within the first week of lockdown, my diet just went completely out the window and I was eating so much shitty food that I piled about half a stone straight back on. I enjoy going to the gym, it gives me a motivation to go and put some effort in. I got myself a personal trainer to help me, and he worked wonders for me for the first couple of months, losing 4 stone in 3 months, which I was really proud of, and it showed in my confidence levels and I could finally start to buy clothes that I knew I’d look good in. Now, it’s the case that I buy clothes that I would like to wear, for the sole purpose that I hope that something will click in my head and it will encourage me to go further to look a certain way so I don’t look like a complete twat whilst wearing them. That’s a pretty bad way to go.

    At the age of twenty-seven, I am yet to experience a long-term relationship. I began at this point to ask the question of what exactly it is. What does that mean? A short-term relationship can be about exploring yourself or trying something new, but a long-term relationship is really about growing closer and closer. That, for me, includes not just daily communication via text, email or in person, but also intimacy.

    I then started to think; well – there must be something wrong with me, right? It’s not normal not to have that in your life – halfway to middle age and you’ve yet to experience that – there’s definitely something wrong with me. I didn’t think there was anything wrong with me to be quite honest. I thought I was perfectly normal, if not incredible, an independent millennial and that I didn’t need another man to satisfy me – or let alone define who I was a person.

    I guess I would say I’m picky when it comes to me. I have a type, many people do, however it seems to me that I don’t fit into those people’s type. It feels that I am sometimes I am constantly chasing a dream I might never reach. I’ve always wanted the drop-dead gorgeous husband, the two kids, the house in Suburbia with a white-picket fence. I’ve always had a thing for older men, a bit of stubble, a cheeky smile, a bit of dad bod, but in good shape with a killer sense of humour and someone that I can spar and have banter with.

    I’ve always hated the term “beauty is in the eye of the beholder”. I guess on some levels I don’t feel beautiful. I don’t feel worthy compared to other people. I know you shouldn’t compare yourself to others but in this community, there really isn’t any choice. We’re always being force-fed information on how we can improve our lives and become better people. How to look better. How to dress better. I guess there is a wall in my head, and I can’t see over that wall. We put walls up to protect ourselves, to block out the pain of rejection, of confusion. It’s easy to build these walls – but even harder to pull down the bricks one by one. Sometimes we don’t want to take down the brick, because for god-knows how long it’s helped and protected us – taking down that brick is like holding a mirror to ourselves and sometimes it’s not nice to look at.

    I think it’s safe to say that the queer community is one of the highest risks group for depression, anxiety and substance abuse. Many members of the gay community have learnt that our little community can be very harsh with each other and with ourselves for trying to fit into one of those boxes. 100 per cent I have had to deal with it myself.

    My size has also had a serious impact on my sex life. I don’t feel comfortable naked, everything just hangs and that makes things difficult in the bedroom for me. I think I developed a fear of sex when I came out of the closet. I didn’t really have anybody teach me what to do. I literally learned how to have sex from watching Gay Porn, which is a really unhealthy thing to do. My first time was a really horrendous experience, and it’s something I don’t want to relive. It’s rare that you come across a guy who is comfortable or attracted to bigger guys – the years of constant rejection really did fuck me up.

    As the lockdown restrictions start to ease and life beings to get back to new normal. I need to get my head into the game. I need to make some positive choices in my life and work out a way of sticking to them. I’ve said every weekend for the last god knows how long that I’m going to quit smoking, and yet every Monday morning, after having my morning coffee is the next thing, I reach for is a packet of cigarettes and my lighter. Is it will power, or a lack of? Is it an addiction? I thought I had a bit of a drinking problem until lockdown happened, and I managed to go 88 days without having a drink, which for me is a huge amount of time. Lockdown should’ve been the time where I made those conscious decisions to change my life and do something about it, and yet all I did was sit around on my arse and eat through copious amounts of Dairy Milk.

    I know I’m not alone in all of this. I know there is a large per cent of the community who struggle from various disorders, such as anorexia, bulimia. Shit, there’s that word I didn’t want to use. Disorder. It’s such a dirty word. Maybe I have an eating disorder myself? I can’t stop eating sometimes. I try to hide it around other people. I’m really self-conscious at BBQ’s or at running buffets about what I put on my plate – because I want to portray something other than the truth to the outside world. I’m a secret eater. I don’t let people see what I shovel down my throat sometimes. We all eat our feelings sometimes, but it becomes so dark you can’t always see the woods from the trees.

    When I set out to write this column today, I didn’t know what I wanted to achieve. I wanted to open up about my struggles and hope that maybe something would click inside me to allow me to want that change; and actually, I think it might have done. I think it’s because I’ve admitted, for the first time, that I have a problem with addiction and food. I am addicted to food. I’ve now got to look to putting this into practice and make the conscious effort to change. Where I go from here, I don’t know; but they do say that acknowledging the issue is the first step to dealing with it.

    As a community how do we fix it? I’m not sure I’ve got an answer for that, but if you are struggling with any mental health issues, be it anxiety, depression, food issues, there is help out there for you. They are there for you to talk to – find a close friend and confide in them, it might seem like a massive step to make, but trust me, you will find things become easier when you do it.

    So here I am. The first step, to the first day of the rest of my life. I’m sure I’m going to fall off the wagon at some point in the future, but let’s just see what happens, shall we? I know that if I want to experience happiness, I need to make that change. It’s all about the journey, right?

  • COMMENT | When lockdown is over, I’m headed straight to a gay bar

    COMMENT | When lockdown is over, I’m headed straight to a gay bar

    Columnist Al Jennings says that the LGBT+ community needs to invest some time and money in its scene or risk losing it forever.

    When you think of a night out in Leeds; you think of the trendy wine bars of Call Lane, Millennium Square for the students, and the rock and punk scene that was evident in the early ’80s. However, Leeds has a fantastic, and diverse LGBT+ nightlife scene which has opened my eyes to some of the greatest nights of my lights.

    I grew up in a conservative East Yorkshire town where there was no reference to an LGBT+ community. It was a pint of snakebite down the local boozer with the lads. As a young, impressionable eighteen-year-old, I was ready for some excitement and to meet like-minded people where I could be myself and find some acceptance. I packed up and headed off to London for university and fully embraced myself in their gay scene, I didn’t know that I had a whole scene on my doorstep I could’ve explored. From London, I moved overseas for a few years, and then back to East Yorkshire and began exploring my opportunities.

    Leeds wasn’t really on my radar. Manchester’s gay village had been well popularised through Russell T. Davies shows such as Queer as Folk and Cucumber, and I began my professional career in Hull. I made a lot of good friends at the time in Hull, and it did have a great nightlife. It wasn’t until I moved to West Yorkshire that I discovered how much of a vibrant and exciting scene Leeds had and how much it could open my eyes, and I could find friendships and relationships that could truly enhance my life.

    Leeds Leeds Leeds

    Embed from Getty Images

    It’s clear that Leeds has got a great reputation for Queer nightlife. The Freedom quarter, that encompasses the Calls and Lower Briggate, is its main hub. A hive of activity with a great host of venues to choose from it, depending on what you are wanting from a Friday night. Whether it’s a few drinks on a Friday night after work in Queens Court or a night of gyrating on the dancefloor to the chart hits of today in The Viaduct then there is something that caters for everybody.

    Ninety-five per cent of my nights in Leeds start in Queens Court. It’s welcoming atmosphere, spacious outdoor courtyard, it provides the perfect place to get together a few friends to chew over the fat of the last week, and catch up on the latest gossip in town. It’s budget-friendly drink prices throughout the week means that a night with friends with a touch of glass, doesn’t have to break the bank. I’d always recommend a visit on a Bank Holiday Sunday to one of their infamous courtyard parties, which brings a little bit of Ibiza to Leeds through their top name DJ sets and incredibly beautiful laser shows.

    After a few drinks in Queens Court, I always find it’s time to pick up the pace and before inevitably ending up in a club, Blayds Bar is always on my list for a great time in Leeds. Hidden away in a back alley just off Lower Briggate, Blayds in a great intimate little venue with lots of charm and appeal. Blayds offers something different every night of the week and includes some great special events. Everybody’s is welcome in Blayds, making it one of the most inclusive in Leeds. Hosted by Drag Queens including Mamma Bear, Blayds caters for all with its collection of chart-hits and the Eurovision Deep Cuts that leave the gays wanting more. You’ll find me on the dancefloor recreating the hair-flips from Fuego most weekends.

    If you’ve not had enough by now, then there is only one place to finish off your night. The Viaduct Showbar is the place to finish off your evening, or even party your way through until the morning. The Viaduct Showbar is undoubtedly the most well-known Gay Bar in Leeds, boasting live entertainment every night of the week thanks to some of the most fabulous and glamourous performers and Drag Queens in the country. With live performances throughout the evening, the DJ’s play the hottest new chart hits and all the classics in-between the fabulous and enigmatic performances.

    Our scene needs us

    During recent years, there has been a lot of press about the closing of LGBT venues all over the country. In November 2016, University College London published a report looking at LGBT+ nightlife in London since 1986. According to THEGAYUK.com, 151 gay bars and clubs in London have shut their doors between 2000 and 2016. A staggering amount. There are many reasons for this, including a rise in business rates and rents – but also, a question that simply gay bars are going out of fashion? Have we reached a point where the pink pound no longer is spent within its community? Have we reached a position in society where our safe spaces are not needed for us to express ourselves and have, we become more confident in ourselves to join the more mainstream nightlife?

    Whilst in recent years Gay Scenes have seen a downturn in footfall, and the closing of bars and Safe Spaces, Leeds really does seem to be bucking the trend, but will it be able to survive the fallout of the Coronavirus lockdown?

    Maybe the community need to remember where they came from and invest in their local venues a little bit more.

    Bars and Clubs are going to have to be inventive and creative to get people back through the doors, and with seemingly a wider acceptance of the gay community, people have been moving away from the scene. Maybe the community need to remember where they came from and invest in their local venues a little bit more. Retaining our safe spaces is essential for many who rely on it as a haven especially for those of the trans community, who are facing a huge amount of prejudice on a daily basis in their normal lives – we must continue to support them and their journey of self-discovery.

    So, when the lockdown ends, and it’s safe to do so – we must take to the dancefloor once again. Show up and show our local business’s our support. Most importantly, hug our friends – we’ve all been in isolation, and I guarantee we’re all a little bit apprehensive but we’re all here for the same thing; to blow all our worries and party like it was 1999!

    I will see you back on the dancefloor, living my best life!

  • COMMENT | Being homosexual is not a commodity you can buy online

    COMMENT | Being homosexual is not a commodity you can buy online

    I saw a homophobic comment on Twitter today that really made me angry and I just couldn’t keep my mouth shut. I had to retaliate. 

    “I don’t mind you lot being gay as long as you don’t promote it to my children.”

    Oh yes, because it’s advertised on big billboards and television adverts. “BE GAY. BUY YOUR SEXUALITY ONLINE TODAY!” We even have Buy one Get One Free sales in some of the supermarkets. I don’t think. The idiocy and bigotry of some people really gets on my goat.

    Have we not evolved enough by now that people cannot see? Homosexuality comes as part of your gene package. It’s not a choice or a bargain you can pick up in Harrods. The sheer fact that there are still many human beings who do not feel brave enough to ‘come out’ proves we cannot choose who we are. You cannot pick your sexuality. If you could, why do we hear these endless heartbreaking stories of people who commit suicide or are in ‘straight’ marriages just because they can’t face their homosexuality?

    As for promoting it to children. I have three nephews. My eldest is almost 18 and we are incredibly close. When he was growing up, we would go to the theatre, football matches and restaurants together. At eight years old, he asked if I was gay. We never lied to him. 

    So he has lived in the knowledge that his Uncle Mark is gay for a decade. He has had a couple of sexual encounters with girls and a girlfriend. We obviously haven’t turned him gay by educating him about different sexualities from an early age. I’ve been surrounded by a football-mad family all my life. And I still can’t stand football. 

    So would this Twitter troll who says we should not promote homosexuality to children for fear we will turn them gay like to stand up please. And admit your statement is ludicrous and unfounded. Otherwise, why are my nephews not gay? Because you can’t choose it, that’s why.

    What we are actually achieving by being honest and teaching children that not everyone conforms to the straight mould is enhancing the world with acceptance. And hopefully saving some of these poor souls who are too scared to accept their own sexuality.

    In fact, I jokingly called myself a poof recently. My nephew and his same age best friend told me off for using such language. “It’s not PC!”, they shouted at me. Now that was refreshing.

    And this is the kind of valuable gain we get from promoting homosexuality to children, Mr Twitter Troll.

  • These are the five most annoying things you can say to someone who is deaf

    These are the five most annoying things you can say to someone who is deaf

    We asked DEAF IDENTITY entrepreneur Luke Christian what the most annoying thing you can say to a person who is deaf.

    Read his interview with us, in which he tells us why it’s not okay to fetishise people are deaf.

    So here are his most annoying AF thing to say to someone who hard of hearing or deaf.

    1. For a deaf person, you have good speech.

    2. Well you don’t look deaf!

    3. Oh you’re deaf? Aw I’m so sorry to hear that!

    4. It turns me on knowing you’re deaf.

    5. Just turn your hearing aids up, I cba repeating myself.


    Luke added, “Honestly, I could go on!”